Pjs and Pounds: Food Addict / PJ Geek

Tea, coffee, cocoa on Saturday morning

2012-01-29T00:55:00.008-05:00

(photo from the coffee shop website--the table I sat at today)

Saturday. Yogi Lemon Throat Tea on Way to Nissan. Coffee at the Nissan place waiting on Stubbs -my baby. His first maintenance--I'm waayy attached to my Cube. Later a carwash. Shiny, happy Cube.

(photo from google of my Cube's twin cousin)

Then, I had a lovely Mexican hot cocoa at a lakeside coffee shop this morning after the visit with Doctor Nissan. This is a local coffee place with cool music "chill" from Xm radio and art and comfy sofas. This was formerly a Starbucks. Very groovy and laid back place. This brings out the inner me. Starbucks-what's your problem?

Saw "One for the Money"--the Stephanie Plum books movie. Ehhh. I should have seen "Albert Nobbs" with Glenn Close. I get upset when animals are in peril, so I can't see "Warhorse" , but I love horses and world war 1 films. hmmmm.

Healthy-ish lunch at Chipotle.

Dinner of Grilled cheese on "diet whole wheat bread" and a Little Debbie..oh my.

I just finished the second book in The Hunger Games trilogy. Can we say sucked in?Starting #3. I will pace myself..I just zoomed through that one. I can't wait for the movie in March.

Nursing my 'not sore' but not quite right throat.It's hard to explain. Hot lemon tea again right now as I start my new book. Cozy in my bed under a couple of blankets with a dog at my side and just enough light on for reading.

Not perfect but still wonderous and full of gratitude and little joys.

Foggy Mountain Retreat!

2012-01-23T21:52:00.004-05:00

from google

So today back to the real world after a long weekend women's retreat in the mountains of North Carolina. A weekend where at times I was all over the spectrum. I felt out of place, in the right place, touched, humbled, strong, supportive, weak, out of control, laughing hysterically, joyous, and giving. I did many things-made arts and crafts, made smores from a rock fireplace, wore butterfly wings, slept very well, ate a little too much at times but learned a lesson from that. I played games , sang, and walked in the fog and rain. I drank plenty of hot tea and spiced cider, blew bubbles, prayed, and played charades with a large group of laughing friends who were not playing charades. And I wasn't drinking.

Our speaker, at one point, seemed to veer completely off the topic and addressed a subject that was featured in my nightmare of last week that had plagued me so. I felt what she said was a significant message for me and I felt blessed.

In the end, I learned a lot but was overwhelmed. There was so much to take in, and I was over saturated. I think I'll take away many lessons. One lesson is to just take my time. I can only do so much and that's ok. Better to soak it in slowly than to get flooded over. Another lesson, to lighten up! God loves me.

Back on Track: Getting Prodded In The Right Direction

2012-01-19T12:18:00.005-05:00

After a deviation from my previously scheduled program of becoming a better steward of my life and my health, I am back on track. One day at a time.

I still think an erase button or a reset button would be good. We need an algorithm written that quickly resets us when we get off course.

In my case, the problem was this:

Anxiety and a Bad dream--more fear and anxiety --faith shaken----comfort , numbing, anesthesia, comfort from all the wrong places---lack of hope and depths of despair--until eventually I get tired of sitting in the muck on the bottom of the pond and come up for air to survey the damage and shake off the bad ju ju.

Here's what I need:

Bad Dream--"oh I'm scared and anxious"....deal with it but if all else fails,hit the reset button--back to taking care of myself in the right way.

Meanwhile, God and the Universe kept prodding me along.

Tuesday in the mail came my labs from my recent MD appointment. Still all good. And a leather bound journal from OPRAH with this message -

"We all want to make the most of our lives..to become the highest expressions of ourselves. It begins with your own awakening. There's no better way to find that aha! than by keeping a diary..."

(I think some time last fall I signed up to win a chance on one of her lifeclass shows and this was meant to come to me then.)

Wednesday- I find my mother's obituary on Ancestry dot com. I couldn't remember if her birthday was 01/18 or 01/19. Probably 01/18 since all I wanted to eat all day was breakfast food and that was her favorite meal. I found the obit of a friend who had passed at 38 years old at a time when we had not been on speaking terms. I felt inspired to "Live, dammit. for both of us".

Thursday --I open a package that came Wednesday from my employer-a wellness calendar with pretty pictures, with handy tips and motivational sayings. January-Take better care of you this year.

Got it!

I need an erase button, please

2012-01-17T22:43:00.006-05:00

The highlights and low lights of my last few days. It can only get better. It has to. I'm going to a woman's retreat in the mountains this weekend and it couldn't come a moment sooner.

Friday
My friend's dad's wake----obnoxious woman , who I just met, asked me how much money I make. " That's not something I really go around talking about" and she rolled her eyes. I was proud that I didn't blurt anything out because I'd just poured a glass of scotch thinking it was wine and had taken a big swig. there was chocolate all over the place at this house. foreshadowing.

Saturday
Started off the day forgetful. I left the purse and money at home which I realized while I was in line for coffee at dunkin donuts. $5 bill stashed in glove department. woo hoo. java fix.

First water aerobics class was great. It was 27 degrees outside. The inside heated pool was freezing. Everyone promised me it was never that cold. The jacuzzi spa afterward -- heaven.

Charged up the Kindle and read half of a book.

The rest of Saturday--a blur.

SUNDAY
My husband was acting distant, it was him -not me/us but that always increases my internal stress drive and focus on food.

Went to church alone and teared up.

-Spent $10 at Moe's for grass fed beef steak on a salad. Spent $6 for taco bell for hubby and got twice the amount of food.

-Sunday afternoon is a blur.

-I talked to a friend who makes me seem relatively healthy, mentally and physically . I kept wanting to help fix him . Then I realized I really need to focus on me.

I think we watched The Italian Job

-Downton Abbey on PBS -I watched it twice. Golden (snooze) globes.

Monday

-Maybe the second worst dream / nightmare I've ever had on Sunday night. I couldn't even go in the bedroom after the dream the next day, it felt like there was bad ju ju. We changed the linens and I lit candles. Still shook up on that one. Can't even write it down .

I dream in 3D with HD technology and the bad one's get stuck in my brain in complete detail and effect me for days . Thursday will probably be another dream-focused therapy session. Can I get an erase button ?

-As a result of the dream and the bad ju ju I ate too much and used television as an anesthetic. too many movies, too much tv: The news' replay of the Globes, The Company Men. Somewhere. One Way to Val Halla. The Switch. and several Big Bang Theory episodes for the 2nd , third and fourth time.

Tuesday
Butt numbing work.

Too much thinking.

I'm over the Biggest Loser , 4 ever. Can't even watch 5 minutes.

Sorry this was a downer. But sometimes life is like that. When I look at it as a whole, there was a lot of escape going on and just..nothing... What a waste

Do you ever want to hit erase?

Fear and Freezing in Atlanta

2012-01-12T23:13:00.005-05:00

Fear.

You never realize how crippling it is and how we harness ourselves to it.
It is hard to break away. Almost everything tells you to play it safe.
But when you step away you realize you should have , could have , before.

I attended a Flow class at the gym tonight-a combo Tai chi/Pilates/Yoga. It's been many months since I attended one. Arthritis. Fear about pain and limitations and love handles.

Could I do all of it ? No.
Did I do a perfect Star pose on one foot? Yes, but only on the left side. If I attend another class or start attending regularly depends on how I feel tomorrow night when the muscle soreness hits. If all goes well, a water aerobics class on Saturday - another fear.

I've walked on fire, driven across the country alone a few times, and dangled my feet over the edge of the Grand Canyon. I conquered a fear of public speaking and taught several courses to over a hundred people. I was momentarily strangled by a crazed patient once (Till I pulled a Tai Chi move). As a nurse, I've tried to save the lives of several people with my mind, hands and heart (while my inner soft side wept and hid in a corner).

The Fears sometime seem silly. Sometimes, they are as deep as the Canyon.
Step away from the fear. It isn't easy. But it opens possibility.
It feels good.

Temperature in Atlanta right now--exactly 32 degrees F

I hope this made sense.....to bed now.

Fortune Cookie Says......yep, even God speaks through them

2012-01-11T11:09:00.005-05:00

Yesterday's snack was coffee and a fortune cookie.

YOU CONSTANTLY STRUGGLE FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT.

Aint't it the truth.

That deserved a laugh and a place of honor on my computer monitor. Now , my husband and I usually joke "in bed" after we read a fortune cookie. Yep, that too probably , but I haven't shared this fortune with the man yet.

I had to do a tricky thing which was to go to the grocery store after work. Armed with list in hand , I Krogered with the best of them. My husband wanted Large chocolate Entenmanns' Donuts. They don't do a thing for me, but I could not bring myself to buy them. 270 calories each. I can't enable THAT much ..he needs to do better . I've told him before he needs to get his own drugs.

Ok, but I did buy him the box of 10 small ones...AND...a box of Skinny Cow chocolate crisps (trying to bring him over from the dark side). For myself, I did well though I walked by and fondled the Christmas M and M's candy on sale for 70% off a couple of times. Fondled but did not purchase. I could not find one item at all--carpet deodorizer. Cleaners yes, and they mentioned deodorizing, so I got that.

I get home and get barked at for buying the wrong stuff and for not getting him what he really wanted. Barked is a soft way of saying yelled at. Memories of my OCD mother who would throw a real( I mean REAL) hissy fit , if I bought anything wrong at the grocery store ( like grape jelly instead of jam). He was pissed at me all night, but finally mumbled an apology as I got in bed later.

I ate over it. that's what I do. Arguments, especially over stupid and banal things like this trigger me. I didn't binge . I just ate a little extra this, a little extra that--we're talking around 250 calories. That, in itself, is progress as far as the amount of food and duration and calories. I consciously stopped.

The kicker is that before I ate, I had picked up my meditation book The Upper Room and started to read the meditation for the day to try to not go down that path, but couldn't read it because I was so --angry -hurt-triggered.

I just read that meditation this morning, and Smack me on the head! God, the Universe, and the fortune cookie were all there for me, but I blindly took the wrong path. The meditation that I couldn't read was about being really angry with someone and working through that anger to find peace rather than sitting with the anger and turning to temptation. It was a test and I failed.

But I'm so glad God's there smacking me on the head with little tests, because I know I'm on the right path and he/she's there for me.

Roll Tide!!!! National Champs!

2012-01-10T08:13:00.003-05:00

In light of my last post this is cool. I graduated from the University of Alabama. And we romped on the Lsu Tiger's last night.

ROLL TIDE!

Late To The Party, and Flirted With The DJ Because I Was Being Chased By A Tiger?

2012-01-09T20:01:00.008-05:00

photo from WWF

That almost sounds like a good song title.

It just came to me as whimsy does because I started reading Dave Kessler's book The End of Overeating -like, what 3 years or so after the big wave of fervor over this book. I zipped through part of it on the Kindle last night in no time. Coincidentally, I was eating the last measured cup of a cinnamon sugar popcorn that was a blissful butter/cinnamon/sugar/salt extravaganza that pretty much exemplified what I was reading in the first 4 chapters of the book. Yep, I'm an addict and I have a whole slew of dealers from Kraft to Kellogg's to Hershey's, just to name a few.

It makes sense and I kind of knew some of this , but reading about other people's food fixations and mixed emotions and behaviors made me a feel a little better. Not so weird after all. Better , because I'm in a little better recovery place than I once was. More aware and more willing. Better because my reaction is to assess what I'm eating and work toward reducing greatly the eating of and addiction to processed foods. I got pissed at the food / advertising industry and I want to be defiant. I'm responsible for my actions , but my dealers were spiking the party punch. Better keep reading the book , I think.

Then , last night I dreamed that I was in college, and I had no major. I couldn't remember what my mailbox number was at the student center. I wasn't paying for my dorm room and expected to be locked out. I had forgotten to attend a math class all year long, and realized it was exam time. Also, I remembered it was May and I didn't know what I was going to do or where I would live when the semester ended.(These are all recurring theme dreams for me all crammed in to one which is odd for a 49 year old who already has a degree/career.)

I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm walking across campus when suddenly a zoo full of big cats-leopards, lions, tigers, bob cats, lynx's and car sized Tarantulas are running all over campus mauling and destroying people. People are trying to take cover in buildings but the people in the buildings are trying to block them from entering. The military is starting to send in support , but they are killing as many people as the animals are.

I'm not able to run fast because I'm too fat and my knee/hip arthritis is hurting me. I try staring them down, playing dead , hiding behind trees, praying, summoning "the force", you name it. It works for a while, but in the end I had two big cats lying on either side of me about to take a big ol' bite out of me. I woke up with both dogs in bed-one with her head in my hand and the other snuggled up to my back.

Ha! But seriously, that was a symbolic dream and it just might get discussed with my therapist. I imagine my Cortisol levels were off the charts. I felt pretty crummy and shook up this morning. Fight or Flight all night long. I had no self energy left.

And then I had a thought: "Does this mean I need to be eating the Paleo diet?" For some reason, that cracked me up.

Weekends: The Challenge To Survive The First 2012 Weekend Without Blowing It (and a gush about really good TV).

2012-01-07T00:30:00.015-05:00

“The weekend? What is a weekend?” as said by Maggie Smith playing the snobby Dowager Countess, Lady Grantham in the British Mini Series Downton Abbey (season 2 starts Sunday) and she get's some funny snarkey lines.

The first week end of 2012--ARGGHH!! The highlight for me will be watching Downton Abbey on Sunday night. But, I've got to keep it together folks. I think it's pretty common for weekends to be tough to get through for those of us with food issues or on diets. Weekends have historically derailed near perfect diet / exercise weeks for me in the past.

This was a good ( not perfect) week. My goal/food plan this week was no binges and no food or diet / scale obsessions. Goal met and I lost weight. I have binge eating disorder and restrictive dieting and diet focus escalates that, so I'm just so grateful to have had this good week. Even better it was a good week for my emotions, spirit,and mental wellness. When I say I want balance and peace in my life, this is as close as it gets.

My problem with weekends:
-- lack of structure
-- relief from being stuck to the chair / the computer / desk / phone of work tends to make be exhausted Friday night and then off track.
-- I tend to drink less water.
-- I don't always want to get out of my pjs to go to the gym on Saturday morning.
-- I make lists of all the things I need to do and get overwhelmed and stay home from the gym or a park and then don't get anything done.
---OR, I fill my day with either running around doing fun things and eating out.
---OR, molding my butt to be the same shape of the couch as I nibble through a few hours of television.
-- Sometimes I over-exercise one day and then I'm injured for a day or so.
-- We tend to eat out one or two meals of the weekend, and one meal at a restaurant usually results in a gain every time (just from sodium/fluid retention)
-- Naps after eating out.
-- Sunday night 11 pm comes and I want to hit the rewind button

It's not that it isn't ok to do some of this, but each weekend is a combination of all of the above somehow.

FREE TIME versus ME TIME versus all the things I WANT TO DO, NEED TO DO, DON'T WANT TO DO BUT HAVE TO DO. Inevitably, there will be things I just DON'T do.

And then there's the hubby, my food enabler and dealing with making decisions about food with him .

I'm telling myself now that whatever list I come up with --it just isn't all going to get done. One day at a time and One moment at a time.

Oh, but I will definitely , unless due to personal or world crisis or a loss of cable, watch Downton Abbey season 2 on PBS on Sunday night.

Good weekend to you all.

Resolutions broken yet? Just hang in there, One day at a time.

2012-01-04T07:57:00.005-05:00

I didn't have any but I'm having the best string of"good days" in a long time..meaning no food obsessions or binges, thinking before acting, exercising but not hurting myself, taking a breath, tracking my food.

Praying for Help and BEING WILLING TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

I've been writing A LOT in my journal but mostly tidbits of wisdom I'm finding in books and on the internet and how it applies to me. I'm working on a vision board of some sort.

I checked my weight and it is down several pounds. I don't want to get caught up in that, but it's good to know I'm on the right track.

Fighting the urges one day at a time.

Read This, Not That, --Getting Lost or Found in the New Year

2012-01-01T15:50:00.009-05:00

Sunday afternoon January 1 2012

Getting inundated with "New Year , New You" messages ?

I'm reading a few blogs and on about the fourth blog I see a link to a New York Times magazine article called "The Fat Trap" on the Well Blog by Tara Parker-Pope. I'd never heard of this blog, but saved it to my favorites tab after flipping through a few articles. The columnist Tara Parker-Pope and her blog are described in this way : "... she sifts through medical research and expert opinions for practical advice to help readers take control of their health and live well every day."

The article that grabs my attention is "Why Lost Pounds Come Back" and the description is this. " In this week’s New York Times Magazine, I explore new research that helps explain why most dieters who lose weight end up gaining it all back." But the article to read is really titled "The Fat Trap". I read the article and then started in on the 854 comments though I quickly burned out on them.

The comments are fascinating and offer as much information and 'food for thought' as the article. Some of the comments are from doctors , exercise or diet or wellness experts, weight loss maintainers, frustrated dieters, and skeptics. Many tout the books and plans and gurus that I read and hear about on tv and the Internet. I liked that from all of this I was able to easily find the actual research myself and was reminded about some of the books and blogs I'd come across before. I didn't see much about the addiction / eating disorder / recovery aspects of all of this, but I only got through about 100 comments before my brain hit overload.

In essence, it could be a little bit of a downer to read about the science or to read SO many different opinions. My take away-we are all different. Find what works for me. Expect that what works is going to change and change and change as I age, as my body changes, my perspective changes, my goals and my willingness changes. Clearly, there is so much more to this than about weight loss and body stuff. This is about life and quality of life.

I apologize that my linkey thing doesn't work. You can just go to www.nytimes.com and then click on "Health" and then you'll find it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html

Meanwhile and coincidentally on the television in the background, The Biggest Loser Season 1 (2004) is on as a marathon today on the Halogen channel. Fascinating. I liked the earlier seasons better, and I didn't even finish watching the latest season. I don't know (or care) who the winner was. The new season starts Tuesday and I doubt I'll watch.

What struck me then is this, and that is why I stopped reading the comments and decided to write this post. Ryan Benson who actually was the first season winner after losing 122 pounds makes a comment as they are practicing making healthy lunch choices:

"I know the changes I need to make . And it's a lifestyle-it's not just a diet. I've got to live this way the rest of my life. "

Exactly my view and yet the irony was that I knew the outcome for Ryan. After the show was over, Ryan regained all of his weight. I don't know if he ever lost it again. I know a large percentage of this show's contestants regained their weight.

Clearly, there are no easy answers. I just feel that this connected for me at this time almost as a gift to show me how much we know, how much we don't know and are still learning, and how futile it is to obsess and focus so much on this. But mainly I felt because of ALL of the variables there are, how truly useless and self-damaging it is when I throw in to this diet / weight loss thing my own mix of shame, guilt, regret, anger, and obsession when things don't go the way I want them to.

I know it's old but "One day at a time" is what I need to live by.

Now, I'm shutting off the TV and the Internet and will take a walk or hop on my elliptical just because I want to move. Or continue on the decluttering of my stuff.
Because I can.

Don't Got No Resolutions , Just Grateful and Working On Solutions

2011-12-31T21:07:00.004-05:00

This is on my fridge.
I spent the last day of 2011 this way--

Morning: lot's of time spent on a heating pad, prayer, yoga, music, reading, journaling, stretching, and saying ouch and limping around a good bit. I woke up with an unexplained hip injury--maybe the aliens abducted me last night and lost the tractor beam for a moment..HA

Day. Visiting with a friend, listening, walking in a park but only a short distance, vowing to live a life of more purpose and health because I ran around this park last year. Shopping and then lunch with a friend.

Afternoon. A healthy dose of Tylenol arthritis-wow much better. A nap. Snuggles with Mr Kitteh and my dogs.

Evening: cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, writing a blog and greeting family and friends on Facebook. A healthy dinner, watching tv and or movie in pjs. Before or at midnight there will be a kiss and a prayer and maybe some Apple cider.

The last day of 2011 was random and kind of an amalgam of 2011 as a whole.

But this is where the hope for 2012 comes in. I didn't binge today. I didn't over eat or obsess about food. I didn't stare at tv . I didn't count calories today but I also wasn't out of control. I listened and gave support to a friend. I exercised my body even though I didn't hit a calorie burn or exceed at a challenge. I talked and asked for support from a friend. I would have liked to spent some of my time differently. And that brings me to 2012.

I'm just grateful for what I have and my hopes are to be a better steward of my life , my health, my gifts. I know that I want my life to have more purpose, peace, better health, hope, joy, self -honesty, self care, and caring for others in a healthy way.

Scale Speaks addendum--And what the doctors and others say .

2011-12-30T11:05:00.007-05:00

I'm trying to find what works for me. Eating less calories and moving more --yes. But Dealing with the food addiction / binge eating disorder kinda over rides that. Partly I want that to get better, but I don't want to gain any more weight and want to lose what I just regained. Hard when you start bingeing and can't seem to stop till your sleepy and ready for a nap. A lack of self care here. I'm working on this always.

I saw my primary md this week, we discussed my weight gain, my increased depression and anxiety despite therapy and Prozac , and my binge eating disorder. We talked about solutions. Maybe see a psychiatrist to tweak the meds, continue the talk therapy , continue to find a food plan that will work for me. Maybe not OVER -exercise my 49 year old body as I've done in the past--my joints are complaining.
hmmmm

I saw my GYN doc this week, she suggested I see a weight loss counselor who will hook me up on Medifast--the high protein mixes of bars/soups/puddings/shakes and one meal a day of lean protein and veggies. I kind of rolled my eyes but then thought , maybe completely submitting to a plan where I have little control would help. Following a meal delivery system has worked for me in the past--I lost a good bit of weight on that. hmmmmm

My husband wants me to do Nutrisystem with him in a partnership for mutual support.

My therapist wants me to come up with my idea of a recovery food plan by our next session next week.

HMmmmmm. I'm reading blogs. Rereading my old OA materials. Rereading journals. Looking up what Dr. Oz says who I respect. Reading about some of the other diet thoughts and ideas out there. Rethinking what has worked for me in the past. Researching Meal plans on the internet.

OY!

I know that it all comes down to finding the willingness and desire to want to care for myself and stick to it above how good this will taste or that will make me feel.
Finding the willingness and the "stick to it ness" is the big thing for me.

The Scale Has Spoken: excuses and tenacity

2011-12-28T12:29:00.008-05:00

Tenacious
1. Holding or tending to hold persistently to something, such as a point of view.
2. Holding together firmly; cohesive
(defined from www.thefreedictionary.com)

I started posting responses to other blogs today and realized I needed to post something on my own blog. I also changed my photo and my blog description. It isn't easy to admit that you've regained weight. I don't know what my new plan is or my resolutions or goals or whatever. I just know that a large part of me is ready for things to be better and another part wants to eat something really good and tasty. Ultimately, I know which part NEEDS to win if I want to live a life with quality. The thing is, that a life with quality for today is just one that has the food addiction behaviors in check. Weight loss will hopefully be a by-product of that but not become an obsession.

I must be a believer in "Tough Love"..I had my doctor's appointment today and will see the gyn doc tomorrow. I was in a strong moment of trying to be healthier when I made those appointments just days after Christmas. My food addict part is blushing and shrugging her shoulders. Yes, the culmination of both binge eating disorder behavior and just plain ol sinful eating for enjoyment of the last several months along with the escalation of holiday eating were there on the scale for me to see , and the doctor , and the assistant.

50 pounds more than my lowest of the last few years. I was JUST 20 pounds from my goal weight. Now I'm 70 pounds from my goal. And my goal is still putting me in the lower end of the obese category. A lot of loose skin is what I'm saying.

Already I want to explain or rationalize. I have binge eating disorder. I fell off the wagon. I got to my lowest weight in 30 years and kind of freaked out. I started having intense , bad and abuse -like weird dreams. I was working through things in therapy with an honesty unlike I had ever before. I started having panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I rebounded from the restrictions of dieting. My body was injured from the exercise-which I loved at the time. Stress. Work. Depression. Body image. Husband. Infertility. Life.

In other words, I wasn't using my drug of choice --food--and I started to deal with my stuff. Then, I started using my drug of choice again . Relapse.

I'd lost 135 pounds and it was never, ever a certain amount of weight week by week by week. So when other bloggers say I lose "this " amount of weight every week when I follow the plan" , I would think "what is wrong with me?". Now when I see or hear someone say or a diet plan or guru say --"You will lose between X and X # of pounds each week", I think that maybe that is the potential flaw in the whole weight loss world.( But I still sometimes think I've failed when it doesn't magically work for me. )

Essentially, I know there is more to me and my body and food and weight and emotions and life than losing weight to get to a number on the scale. I almost got there. I do NOT want to regain all of my lost weight. I already feel some of the symptoms I felt when I was at my heaviest. What would it be like if I regained all the weight?

I don't want to find out. I'm in it for the long haul. I would like to be the 80 year old white haired lady getting in trouble at the senior living center for dancing and playing my cool music too loud. U2, New Order, Duran Duran, Coldplay, The Smiths, etc, etc, etc, etc. Of course, that would be in the year 2042 and there will probably be computer chips implanted in our brains by then.

As humans, we are Tenacious. (maybe not like cockroaches). But still tenacious. Clearly , I don't have the answers. I'm still searching. I still get confused between working through issues without using food versus losing weight by eating a certain (amount , type, etc of food). All that other stuff comes in between there.

What I think it is , is this: Facing it and feeling it while Eating less, eating healthier, and keeping moving. Some forgiveness. Some forgetting. Striking a balance rather than always being at extremes, but not being stagnant either.

Well here is my blurt for today. I'll be reading and searching for answers, as always. And working out on my elliptical--soon to be named.

Post Festivus

2011-12-26T10:50:00.002-05:00

New Elliptical--put together and worked out on. Ow!. no excuses. I'm so thankful.

Waffle maker--nom. nom....yes it works..now to find protein /high fiber waffle recipes.

Majority of chocolate given to neighbors. The sugar is leaving the house. I'm ready--

The meal: Turkey didn't taste good--AT ALL. It looked beautiful. The thermometer indicated it was the right temp. But it was a little too pink and gooey in some areas.. The sides were better than at Thanksgiving. What to do with that turkey? maybe a soup? tryptophan dog food? ugh. what a waste.

today is another day off, so I'm heading out to see a movie , maybe "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" ( have not read the book) and do a weight workout at the gym. I can't decide if I want to put the time and energy and veggies at risk for a bad turkey soup from a bad turkey.

any thoughts?

Happy Holidays (and what you don't want to do on Christmas eve day)

2011-12-24T09:55:00.008-05:00

Hope you all are kind to yourself and others, care for yourself, care for someone else. Get some rest or have some fun or some of all of the above. Remember the good memories of holiday's past and lay the foundations for good holidays of the future. That is it for my wisdom and holiday wishes. Notice there is no mention of "don't eat too much or too little". Happy Holidays whether you celebrate Christmas or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or whatever

Now for a chuckle or some tears ' things you don't want to do on Christmas eve day, IN OTHER WORDS WHAT I'VE DONE ALREADY'.....

1. Look up the houses sold prices in your neighborhood and find that the house down the street sold for $31k, the average sell price is $66k, when you still owe $82k+ on your mortgage and want to move.

2. Lose your glasses with bifocals and have to wear an old pair without bifocals. You never realize how much you really need those bifocals. ERRR

3. Hear from your husband that he needs you to buy a gift for his sister.

4. HAVE to go to Walmart on CHRISTMAS EVE

5. Still have to wrap gifts--all of your gifts still

OK, IT'S NOT EVEN NOON YET. gotta get shakin'

I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A PEACE AND JOY-FILLED HOLIDAY

Thursday Snoopy Love

2011-12-22T12:14:00.000-05:00

me likeee.

things that make me go hmmmm and the last one is a doozey

2011-12-20T23:43:00.005-05:00

Lillie to the left of me, Trader Joe's bag in the center, Angel in my lap, pjs on my legs, and the kitteh was out of the shot but sitting on the sofa to my right.

1. new photo on blog header is of my cheap Kmart boots and old pjs under my Christmas tree...yeah, pjs are cool
2. After 2 years, our cat figured out what the cat scratcher thing is for.
"No kitteh, it isn't a throne".
3. Cheap k mart boots are no fun to walk in at Target
4. I'm about fed up with 'festive foods of the seasons' and damn chocolate everywhere and ready for the world to settle back in to January NEW YEAR " New YOU" , restart, start over, just do it, "diet mode"
5. Bags of coleslaw mix with chopped walnuts and adding in just a little chopped up fruit such as dried cranberries, or apple,or orange, or celery==my new daily salad
6. This household is set to receive a bundle o' Amazon deliveries tomorrow...where to put it all?
7. Pj geek is very happy that her major Christmas gift , purchased with yearly bonus and saved cash, is being delivered tomorrow. It's a mega Elliptical...not a cheapie one. I test drove several-like 10 or so and just kept coming back to this one. I commit to 10 minutes a day minimum for the first week and then move on from there. My knee is still a little beyatch and limits me. I still plan to keep the membership at the gym-it's time to resume yoga and weight training. But I need more cardio than walking my dogs. I'm also going to try out a gym with a pool that a friend goes to , but it's farther away than the one I whine about driving to now.
8. Yes, cabbage gives you the poots.
9. Time for bed and time to put my tmj bit in and take my meds--tried to skip the valium last night and paid dearly for it with ear pain and jaw pain. I'm working on meditation and prayer and relaxing but the jaw is like a vice.

10. Final hmmmm of the day. My friend, her dad in hospice, and I had a good ol party and laughed and told stories and listened to Christmas music and drank eggnog and southern comfort on Saturday night. We talked about Angels and God and craziness and relatives and joked about scoring medical marijuana. We savored new flavors and old ones. He talked of Christmas and she talked about how they'll manage when she goes back to work in January. I , the nurse, was thinking...ummmm? what? are they for real? but I nodded and smiled. They both wanted hospice, but maybe it's a pretend game when they talk this way. ...He seemed great, had started on pain meds , and had the best sleep in years the night before.

As I thought, he was peaking on Saturday and is today slowly releasing the battle that is life. But he is comfortable and happy and safe.

Why didn't I spend more time with him before then? Why don't we all spend more time with the ones we love or like or even arn't sure about? I knew this lesson and practiced it with my mother-in-law when she was losing her self to Alzheimer's. But it still is never enough. I miss my loved ones who are gone. I may have avoided them at times or screened phone calls or let petty stupidness or my own self involvedness keep us apart. BIG. Big mistake.

Occasionally, I'll be out shopping or driving around or at a bookstore or at Barnes and Nobles coffee shop and an empty feeling hits me. Maybe, I'm earnestly writing in my journal and sipping coffee...alone....And then I think about my animals at home. I'm the center of their world much of the time. More often lately, I usually pick up my pen and journal and leave B N and get home to wagging tails, kisses, smiles, yips, and an indifferent meow from mr kitteh as he rubs against my leg.

Isolating is a pitfall of mine. comfortable . safe. lonely. Totally missing out on the richness of community.

Makes me go hmmmmmmm. Makes me think. Now it needs to make me act.

Things that put the H in Happy Holidays for me this weekend

2011-12-19T12:04:00.004-05:00

my santa was real and riding slow on his motorcycle out in the countryside

Not as down as last week..must be partially hormonal as my 'lady time' arrived late after several weeks and 2 pregnancy tests later....

Things that made me very happy or at least smile this weekend

1. Finished my Christmas shopping on Amazon in 10 minutes on Saturday
2. Delivered the rest of the Christmas gifts for my Alabama family to UPS for shipment and only stood in line about 5 minutes.
3. Delivered Christmas gifts to church friends on Sunday
4. Santa riding a motorcycle down the highway
5. I'm a nature buff- I saw wild Turkeys and a coyote on the side of the road (alive) this weekend. and several cows.
6. Went for an impromptu drive in the country through the foothills of the Georgia mountains just to listen to and chill out as I listened to a broadcast of a 1986 concert by The Smiths that was rebroadcast on Siriux XM radio from the Live from the BBC vaults. The same concert that I had front row tickets to in Atlanta that was cancelled that year. Finally , 25 years later I get to hear it.
7. Pulled over and bought roasted peanuts from a roadside stand that mainly sold boiled peanuts and had a little laugh and chat with the southern gentleman that ran the stand.
8. Saw a solid black dog running with an orange in his mouth
9. Played with Star Wars lightsabers with my husband at Target
10. Shared many laughs and qualtiy time with my friend and her dad who is in Hospice. We also had tastings of Vosages Choclate with Bacon --we all loved it. We also drank Wayyyyyyy too much Egg Nog and Southern Comfort whiskey. He drank us both under the table and he was on other drugs too.
11. Slept. A lot.
12. Watched the season ending of Homefront on Showtime.
13. Drove around and found a house with a "nativity scene on steroids" --lifesized statues of everything under the sun in a nativity scene set up. Santa, reindeers, marching soldiers, saints, nutcrackers, snowmen, full religious scenery. ....and more ...I have to go back and slow down again to see more.

I GOTs DOS HOLIDAY BLUUUEESS and a little Duke Ellington

2011-12-16T14:05:00.010-05:00

This is just about my favorite Christmas tune right now. Duke's "toot, toot, toot" isn't bad either. It reminds me of the music from the tv series / movie "Twin Peaks".

Duke Ellington's "Sugar Rum Cherry" played by the US ARMY Blues ...from the " You tube" (There are a whole bunch of cool Us Army Blues videos on line--check them out. I know nothing about adding videos and copyright stuff..I'm just saying)

On a personal basis, All my buttons are being pushed. I'm lit up like an old fashioned switchboard of issues from past , present, and fear of future. Thank God for my therapist and my husband and My GOD who is very present in my life lately and with a sense of humor. His Angels keep steering me away from the fruitcake, seriously . Now the other stuff is around but apparently not as bad for me as the fruitcake...working to clear some of this crap out of my life right now. I'll admit it isn't all being thrown away but much is being given away.

Today is a good day. Each day this week has had tiny moments of goodness. I'm talking ---let's take a bath and wash my hair for the first time in 3 days-- level of depression was my "good" for the other day. And yesterday , I ate a healthy lunch and ran the diswasher. Can't say that the rest of the day was much better. I'm working long hours in the midst of this valley of depression. big fun.

I want to understand how a person can get sooo depressed while they are on Prozac. The holidays bringing up stuff, I guess. From my therapist's point of view it's revealing what my buttons are and that they need to be fixed and we have been having good sessions lately. Now if the bad dreams will just stay the f away.

On a more serious note , one of my best friend's dad just admitted to Hospice and I'll be helping out support him and my friend. THIS actually somehow gives me strength and yet gives them strength. They ask, I'll help, Prayers are needed for comfort for all having to deal with illness and dying at this time of year.

Holiday Magic?

2011-12-13T07:52:00.004-05:00

I'm not especially fond of the song "Feliz Navidad"..It just kind of grates on my nerves for some reason . So yesterday while working, I'm switching the radio stations and I'm tired of the rock station I'm listening to and switch to a station playing holiday songs. Woop--"Feliz Navidad". AH, No. Nope. Switch again . "Feliz Navidad" again on another station. How can this be?

I switched to a pop station I never listen to and within 5 minutes they say "caller 100 wins tickets to the Coldplay concert on July 2--win it before you can buy it"...I start dialing. I'm caller #42. I'm persistent. I'm caller #100. They played my conversation with the Dj on the radio. I sounded very girly and ridiculous. I think the word "awesome" was muttered. Out of guilt, I listened to that station for a few more songs and then switched it again. The funny thing is I won tickets to a Coldplay concert a few years ago on another station . Must be my special talent.

That was fun

Hanged/ Hung ? ovah

2011-12-11T15:37:00.006-05:00

yeah, this is the best google image that I'd already saved on my laptop that expressed how I kinda feel ----like this and in my pjs

TMJ is a bugger . Just imagine JAW popping, tightness, head aches, earaches, neckaches and (if possible ) eye aches. I have a $400 "bit" that I wear at night that the dentist fashioned for me which is supposed to keep you from grinding your teeth. If braces feel anything like this thing, Then I think saint hood should be bestowed on all former and present weares of braces. This "bit" or nightguard or tooth torture trinket is the one that just got made to replace the one I'd lost and have been without for some time. I found the old bit at the bottom of a box of junk the day after I found out that that Health insurance won't pay for the second bit. Grrrrrr.....

Tmj supposedly can be related to sexual abuse trauma. I have no memories of this but exhibit many of the symptoms that maybe something happened. The last couple of nights the weird / abuse type dreams have been playing on my personal mental dream cinema and my tmj has been rampant. The day before these dreams, I had my eyes checked and the eye doctor's office shares a wall with a pediatrician's office and I heard a kid screaming bloody murder. If I hadn't known about the ped's office I would have had someone call 911. It sounded bad. poor kid.

Ok then, back to TMJ- Who knew I was a teeth gnasher? I wake up chewing and chomping and biting all the time. Sometimes I'm eating in my dreams and sometimes I'm fighting off an attacker with a big ol bite. Treatments are: my bit, heat, motrin, I have a healthy rx for Valium and I try to use is sparingly .

Yesterday, Teeth Brushing was a cacophany and I had big plans for the day that I didn't want to cancel--so valium in the am. A dinner out for a special occasion and it was many hours later and I didn't think the valium would still be an issue, so a small glass of red wine in the evening. Later, curled up in pjs around 10 pm hot toddy of Coffee with a splash of Irish Whiskey. I started watching "David Copperfield" in black and white on the dvr. I fell sleep with my head tilted in my hand and lying next to my dog's butt. OWE. My husband rescued me about an hour later.

So church went fine today, grocery store trip fine. And then The headache just hit me 3:45 pm Sunday afternoon. I'm now heading to bed for "Sunday nap".

On a brighter note, I survived a trip to the fancier part of town and even a trip to Trader Joe's -'the devil's 7'11'. On an even brighter Christmas light / fireworks kind of note, my mammogram results came back with no problems at all even though my boob hurts and my eyes are good too.

Life is grand.

A Food Addict's Lessons From The Movie Chocolat

2011-12-07T10:31:00.010-05:00

I give a big thank you to my supporters on my last post. Your 'voices' helped. On Monday I had to drive "IN" to Atlanta from suburbia, and there were no trips to Whole foods or Traderjoes. There were also no trips to any of the bakery type places that lure me with their siren calls of wonders and delights..Panera and Dunkin Donuts that means YOU !! I considered myself in BUCKLE DOWN MODE.

This weekend I'm going back to the same "in town , cool kid " part of Atlanta for an all day holiday house tour and will be challenged once again with not only those places I mentioned, but with an abundance of small artisan type stores and restaurants that abide there. Seriously , there are stores called "Chocolat" and "Chocolate Bar" and "Cacao" and Alon , a french bakery. It is a food addict's dream. It is a struggling and recovering food addict's nightmare. ...or at least challenge.

I've been thinking about that last blog post again , where I wrote about my 5 minute run in to Whole Foods : " And I wanted to jump in and flail about in the artisan chocolate display ". My quote now reminds me of the movie Chocolat. I lurve this movie but I only watch it when I'm in a good place. (Johhny Depp as a gypsy is one of the reasons I love it, but otherwise the actors in the film, the magic , France, chocolate!) I would love to read the book , but I'm not in that good of a place. But the story makes me think about these parts of me that obsess with food, in this case chocolate, and the part that abstains and strictly forbids it so I don't lose control.

I'm thinking of the scene where the Mayor of the town who strictly and morally abstains during the Lenten period from all joys and sinful goodies and imposes that sense of strictness on the town folk. Then a beautiful and mysterious woman chocolatier Vianne sets up shop in the small French Village. Her chocolate / her spirit seems to lure the village inhabitants to the shop, but then the magic happens and their lives are enhanced for the better.

Finally, the moral mayor's anger builds and he's had it with Vianne and her chocolate ways and the changes taking place in his village. He sneaks in and angrily wrecks the special chocolate window display that has been set up for the coming Easter holiday . A fleck of chocolate sticks to his lip and he licks it away. He suddenly is out of control and gorges on the chocolate and weeps and collapses in the window display .

We next see him waking from sleep in horror and guilt and Vianne helping him out of the display. His lapse will be a secret and he is forgiven. The moral mayor is a little less strict, a little more accepting , and more joyous the next day.

I don't have the answers. I don't even know the question. I think what I'm getting at is-- I'm the mayor . Being the strict abstaining mayor is the safer thing. Losing control and flailing in the chocolate is the nightmare worse-case scenario. I know my inner chocoholic wants chocolate, but the savoring of a small wonderful piece not the tasteless engorgement. Something to think about.

And it occurs to me to print out blogs and comments to keep in my pocket on adventures in to Atlanta / wonderland for a little perspective.

What do you think?
( with Thanks to Wikipedia and Google images for helping me share this post)

Friday Food Addict Confessions and a photo of my batwing arms and stuff about chocolate

2011-12-02T12:39:00.006-05:00

addiction
I put a new photo up for the blog page--I like that picture--me posing on the Biltmore estate looking wistfully off at the mountains...Just doesn't work with the colors for the titles. Hmmm..more time this weekend and I may have to take a Christmasey picture to replace it. MAYBE , me in pjs in my Cube car.

The next photo below I like because it helped my body dysmorphic mind to see that I have not gained ALL of my 135 lost pounds back though I feel like it. My back and waist show me this. My arms show the ever present bat wings that I just have to accept and deal with as one who is morbidly obese and has lost a lot of weight...no amount of triceps work has been able to wittle it down and the knife is not an option.......

Confession time...
I'm not down at all. Just Tired and rushed because I have so much work to do.. work calls--this is a quickie fly by during lunch.

Yesterday we had our work "end of year " lunch ( the pc version name because we couldn't call it a holiday lunch or Christmas lunch)...it was pay -your-own-way but get-to-skip-work for a short time and meet-up with the folks I work with but only see at end of year get togethers since we all work at home.

I had a couple of gifts to get and have a boss who is as much of a chocoholic as I am, so I stopped in for a 5 minute run through Whole Foods to get the special holiday Chocolove chocolate bar (and one for me). Oh no--she didn't. uh yeah, I did.

Whole Foods is like a mecca for my inner food addict. Thank GOD!! I live about 25 miles from the nearest WF and Trader Joes. For the most part, I have to avoid them entirely which is a pisser because they do have amazing HEALTHY foods and fruit/veg selections unlike those that our neighborhood chains have. Then the voices in my head of my other parts tell me .."oh, you can do this one thing...go in with a plan and get out fast".

I even once had a trip to Trader Joe's with a nutritionist which was supposed to show me that I could do this and be a ' normal ' person. I had been avoiding Trader Joe's and Whole Food's for my sanity sake. That was my last visit with the nutritionist. I can't handle it.

But I really wanted that Holiday Choccolove bar, I mean, I wanted to get one for my boss. So I had a 5 minute run in to WF. This place frazzles me and hypes me up to no end. I know that the majority of people in this world do not have this problem and this may seem crazy.

It is kinda crazy. It is not safe for me. They didn't have the holiday bar, so I got her another kind and me another kind . And another kind. And another kind. And a half pound of gingerbread. And I wanted to jump in and flail about in the artisan chocolate display. I got the hell outta there. I split the gingerbread with my hubby. I want more.

Most of (my) chocolate is still in the bag and the gifts have been given. I'm telling myself--that's it for chocolate between now and the holidays. (But I know it isn't really going to be that way) The fact that they didn't have the special holiday bar nags at me and I know I'll be in the vicinity of another WF on Monday. I don't think I can handle it. I need someone to reply on here and tell me "No way , jose". I know that for many people Total Abstinence of certain foods is the only way. ARGGGGGHHH!

Thank you, confession over.

Winter Gratitude

2011-11-30T06:36:00.005-05:00

yummm

It's cold, I'm working and it isn't even 7 am yet and I worked late last night. Perpetually behind. Time to count my blessings.

Christmas music--sometimes I just want the 'classic' music from the 40's and 50's--Bing Crosby or Perry Como or Percy Faith. And sometimes I want to hear Joni Mitchell's "River" or Josh Groban or John Lennon or remember Band Aid's "Do they know it's Christmas?" or especially Bruce Springsteen's "Santa claus is coming to town"....I also love listening to Chritmas music from the Christian music scene--Mercy Me and Jars of Clay.

velvet voice and a cutie

The music is what I most miss when the holidays are over.

Old Velour PJ pants when it's cold

My $12 suede / leather ? pile lined Kmart boots

Heat in my house and particularly the spaceheater in my office.

Good hot coffee with a little more creamer than usual

Kleenex

Burts Bees lips balm

Vanilla lotion from anywhere

There's lots to be thankful for. Happy Wednesday.

cyber monday? Naw.. get my act together Monday while I'm still working all day long

2011-11-28T12:58:00.005-05:00

No Black Friday / Cyber Monday for me. Just dropping a quick note. I don't have much shopping to do, thankfully. For me, it's hard to go out and buy a lot of stuff for myself and my husband because we already have so much. For that , I am truly grateful. Now repairs to what we do have is a whole notha story. I'm going to be looking for some new flooring soon. Also, I'm trying out ellipticals at the sporting stores, but they are soooo pricey. Meanwhile, donating cash to the foodbanks-best Christmas gifts you'll give.

I did score some new socks for him and half price cheap suede? or leather? ?boots/house slippers? like UGGs from KMART. I can't see paying the UGG prices. K mart/ Walmart / Target/ Old Navy are good enough for me. When I worked in the corporate world, I bought the pricey stuff. Either way, my toes are warm on this wet and cool Monday . We have the promise and hints of a snow mix for tonight. We nearly hit 80 degrees a few days ago and I wore shorts all weekend..love living in the south.

Relapse?
I'm working to get a little more proactive and responsible about food and exercise..not so much for a number on the scale though the numbers are scarier than in several years. Truly because I hate the guilt , shame, worry, grief, anger, fear, and disappointment in myself. I went to the little neighborhood coffeehouse and journaled this weekend. I read some of my old journals from a few years ago, and I read about relapse. I've exercised more since Thanksgiving day than I have in a couple of weeks and it was probably 40 min to 1 hour a day but not super intense.
My knee is still an issue.

This is a lifelong battle though I wish there were a quick fix. What most sparked my notice from the old journals(and I only got through some of 2007 and 2008) was that my weight loss took off when I buckled down to even just 20 to 30 minutes a day of exercise and simple foods and daily treats. I was losing weight when I was having treats and chocolate. It seems that I had to drop the calories , increase the exercise, and drop the treats along the way to continue to lose weight and that may be when the obsessing about food / diets/ weight got worse.

I also think the obsessing and worrying and diet fixation got worse when I started blogging and really delving in to blogs. Sometimes reading blogs helps, and sometimes it really doesn't. I'm starting to think that some blogs make me more food crazy, some more guilt ridden, some just confused. What is the right way? Paleo, low carb, plan x , plan y, food this or that--it all seems to make sense and then make no sense at different times. Some blogs have helped me just get through the day though. No answers here.

Got sidetracked--So Back to my paper journals, and this is the biggie about my journals, the more I journaled my thoughts and feelings and hunger scale , the better my weightloss. When I just journaled food and exercise, I seemed to be revolving up and down the same numbers.

just trying one day at a time still

discovery starting over tried and true

"How did it go?"

2011-11-25T08:10:00.005-05:00

time to hit the gym or at least the floor--my own dogs are still in a trytophan haze--they get all the dark meat of the turkey

Pjs: 'I want coffee' fleece pjs
Coffee: Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla with spiced vanilla rum creamer-delish

No early Black Friday doorbusters for me. I've got the turkey stock simmering on the stove and I'm watching the morning news shows while I check out left over recipes. This can be a dangerous path for me. So I came , I found the recipe I want to use, and I'm done. Food addict that I am, any Food network site or recipe site is a path to the dark side for me. I kind of want to venture in to the world and go shopping but I really don't need anything. I am looking at ellipticals, so maybe check that out. Also, a visit to the gym maybe on the agenda.

So Thanksgiving went well. My Plan worked and I didn't obsess and ate less probably than in the past. I still ate a lot mind you. No carb left behind. I took 2 walks and did about 40 minutes of leg exercises and stretches. I have no illusions that I'll be Losing any weight but keeping things calm in my head and maintained on the scale is my goal. We got our meal from Publix and it was the easiest thing.

I'm still working on my Gratitude list-it's morphed in to including good memories
list too, and my goal is to come up with 100 things. Living a life with thanks and gratitude--keeps the bad feelings away.

I came up with this "What to Do " list for dealing with the holidays but it struck me that this is really a what to do list for every day. I'm adjusting it and this is my plan for today and maybe everyday.

*******WHAT TO DO-post Thanksgiving version********
Write out a gratitude list. I am thankful for many things-put it in black and white.
Write out a guideline or a plan for eating on the day.
Walk the dogs and plan some other exercise for that day.
Take a nap or go to bed early is sleepy.
Journal.
Pray.
Read a book.
One day at a time.
Just Breathe.
I am ok.
Start where you are.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Yes, I'm A Food Addict. Are you? ...and it's tough and it's Thanksgiving week. and what am I going to do about it?.....

2011-11-21T23:34:00.012-05:00

For work today , I took a required learning course about substance abuse addiction. Just reading the DSM IV description of addiction and going through a questionnaire similar to the following one made me angry and sad and scared and slightly full of panic. I am no different than a person that snorts, smokes, shoots illegal drugs except that my drug is everywhere and is legal and abundant. It's everywhere and it wasn't mentioned in the course.

I'm addicted to food. I know this. It's not a surprise. I've been living with it, recovering from it, relapsing , recovering , etc etc for over 40 years now. But again hearing it and taking a frigging course about it pushed me to Defcon 4..Red Alert..whatever...It IS THANKSGIVING week !!

I already actually had one family gathering and Thanksgiving meal this weekend. I planned out and wrote out my guidelines for the meal and stuck to it. Eat turkey breast and little servings of only the things I really want, but only small seconds on two things. Don't fill up on bread and Don't over do dessert. I did it. I had a very small roll, less than 1/2 piece of pie. A few too many sausage balls, I admit. Overall, Much less food than I've had in the past. I eat slowly and I savour good food. I felt I was eating too much and was embarrassed because it seemed like I was eating more than anyone else. I was too full afterward. sigh

After working late tonight to finish the required course, I had to go to the grocery store , and I was hungry. I know that is a recipe for disaster, but we really needed some of those groceries . I did fine at the store. But as I made dinner, I had a mini binge of nibbles and nibbles and extra this and that's and even more of that.. My heart beats faster from the food I ate. Too much. I should be calmer since I learned I don't have to cook for anyone on the actual day other than for myself and my husband. I'm going to order one of those grocery store-made holiday meals. Better that than perusing recipes and more shopping.

I remind myself "One Day at a Time" --- "One bite at a time"--
"Start where you are" --"Just Breathe"--"You are ok"

The course recommends that the recovery involves Cognitive Behavior techniques. Learn to define, recognize, and avoid Triggers and the causes of " erroneous thinking " that leads to these behaviors. Get Sober support. 12 step or like therapy. Develop coping techniques to avoid the triggers and behaviors.

The learning course I have to take tomorrow is about anxiety disorder and the final one is on depression. These are topics I know all too well also.

**************** Ask yourself? The Questions*******************

I copied this questionnaire from the addictionsandrecovery.org website. These questions are almost identical to the questions in my course and are what the DSM IV bases the criteria for addiction.

"Answer yes or no to the following seven questions. Of course, change drug or alcohol to food.

1.Tolerance. Has your use of drugs or alcohol increased over time?
2.Withdrawal. When you stop using, have you ever experienced physical or emotional withdrawal? Have you had any of the following symptoms: irritability, anxiety, shakes, sweats, nausea, or vomiting?
3.Difficulty controlling your use. Do you sometimes use more or for a longer time than you would like? Do you sometimes drink to get drunk? Do you stop after a few drink usually, or does one drink lead to more drinks?
4.Negative consequences. Have you continued to use even though there have been negative consequences to your mood, self-esteem, health, job, or family?
5.Neglecting or postponing activities. Have you ever put off or reduced social, recreational, work, or household activities because of your use?
6.Spending significant time or emotional energy. Have you spent a significant amount of time obtaining, using, concealing, planning, or recovering from your use? Have you spend a lot of time thinking about using? Have you ever concealed or minimized your use? Have you ever thought of schemes to avoid getting caught?
7.Desire to cut down. Have you sometimes thought about cutting down or controlling your use? Have you ever made unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control your use?

If you answered yes to at least 3 of these questions, then you meet the medical definition of addiction. This definition is based on the of American Psychiatric Association (DSM-IV) and the World Health Organization (ICD-10) criteria.(1) "

***************************************************

I don't know that this has to define me. I didn't post this to be a downer. I posted it for me and for anyone else that chooses to read it that can relate. Heck, for thanksgiving week many folks go overboard with food. But this is different. Essentially, I feel I'm always working towards a solution to the addiction and doing pretty well except when I just give up and over eat and keep eating like tonight. It would be too easy ( too stupid) to just say "oh , screw it and enjoy the holiday food".

This is how I plan to approach the coming turkey day holiday . I'll let you know how it goes.

WHAT TO DO
Write out a gratitude list. I am thankful for many things-put it in black and white.
Write out a guideline or a plan for eating on the day.
Getting a pre-prepared meal or going out to eat to avoid left overs and obsessing on Paul Deen recipes. (or fill in other chef 's name)
Walk the dogs and plan some other exercise for that day.
Take a nap.
Journal.
Pray.
Watch the parade.
Read the paper. Look at black friday ads even though I'm not going shopping.
Read a book.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.
Just Breathe.
I am ok.
Start where you are.

Mid week of week off

2011-11-16T18:30:00.005-05:00

from the internets

Too lazy to pull the memory card from my camera and plug it in to the computer,
But I've got some great photos to share, eventually. The first of the week we took a blink or you'll miss it trip to Biltmore in Asheville and at the end of the week will be an early Thanksgiving with my Alabama family. The highlight of my Asheville trip was a long walk across the hills of the estate.

Food is all over the place but getting better. Still working the One day at a time theme to get me through it all. I've been reading blogs and have been inspired by some and not by others. I will take the inspiration and figure out what will work for me. I am not going to freak out about Thanksgiving. I will be wise.

I had an awesome hot toddy at a tavern in Asheville N.C. Jameson whiskey, water, cloves , lemon , and a cinnamon stick. Halfway through, it hit me hard and I nearly melted and slid to the floor. That's my second drink in November and I had one in October and then before that probably none. I'm not a big drinker. I prefer my calories in bread or chocolate.

But I may have to buy some of that Jamesons.

Tomorrow: dental visit, errands, prep for weekend trip, gym time.

Hot Toddy

2011-11-12T07:58:00.005-05:00

photo from the internet and I may have to track down this article / book whatever for more recipes..

My inner food addict knows how to soothe me--food Food FOOD FOOD!
I work at remembering to stop the automatic reaction and delight in going to food to think of other things to soothe me. Often I don't even know what I'm trying to soothe. I think there's the day to day stuff and worries, but also the 'post traumatic stress' of various other things in our pasts.

Yesterday, was my last work day until 11/21. Having a week off from work is great to unwind and remember how to exist with out that daily grind. From now until the end of the year at work we've got more work and less staff. I worked 12 hours yesterday and was beating myself up the last hour because I could see little opportunities I'd missed in my work but could do nothing about it because of the lateness of the hour.

Going to the gym to Zumba had been my plan all day but rushing through the work was not going to get me there. It was too late to go by the time I finished work and now I was so uptight that I almost felt I was having chest tightness and back pain and just general anxiety.

I just wanted to put the Christmas lights on ( always on the mantle -but only on for cozy times) and watch tv and pet the dog. I sliced up some eggplant, tomatoes, broccoli, garlic, and carrots and spritzed with olive oil to roast in the oven and then thought..hmmmm a a warm drink would be good..not coffee..not tea. A hot toddy.

Many years ago on a Christmas time trip to NYC I experienced my first hot toddy at the Empire diner and became hooked. I live in the South -not big hot toddy country.

Last night I wanted a hot toddy. So I concocted one of cranberry juice, water, Disaronno with a cinnamon stick in a mug. At first it was like cherry cough syrup. Ewwwh.!..then a splosh of brandy and more water and a splosh of cranberry juice. More heat.

OOH. I can do this.
kinda looked like this..

I settled on the sofa, the cat got in my lap. The dog sat beside me frustrated and then got in my lap also. I started sipping. I suddenly realized how uptight and tense I was. I started deep breathing and focused my intention to just relax. 12 hours on a computer and phone with only bathroom breaks and a 20 minute dog walk.

It took half of the toddy and I was smoothed out. Then, cheese ravioli and roasted veggies. Then 3 squares of a Hershey Chocolate bar. I was ready to go to sleep by 9:30, but managed to stay up and watch a Materpiece theater mystery movie on pbs and then went to bed.

I'm not a big drinker , but it's good to remember that there are other things to savor and enjoy to comfort and relax me. The cat, the dog, the lights, the breathing, the toddy, and the good food..it all worked together.

Got any hot toddy recipes?

One Day At A Time

2011-11-09T07:33:00.003-05:00

A park near my house-

One day at a time.
Wise words from the encourager's on my blog and on other blogs I visit and OA literature I read. Thank you .

One day at a time.
I've heard and read it a thousand times. I've said it and written it at least a hundred times.

I forget it on a daily basis.

I let myself get stressed and worried about the future.

Our work schedule for now to the new year was set in stone probably a couple of weeks ago at about the same time we had a massive early retirement wave here at work ( versus the lay offs that happen at this time every year.) In other words we are "doing more with less". Lot's of people take time off between now and the end of the year , so even MORE with less. It's always a stressful time of year work wise which bleeds in to everything. When will I exercise? How will I be able to relax, sleep, enjoy the holidays, keep from gaining a hundred pounds?

I also get very stressed thinking about and experiencing holiday foods / eating.
Just walking through Krogers and seeing the holiday foods, the special cookies and treats, the displays of baking ingredients, etc etc...OY! It pisses me off, because it's there. I shift my eyes away, I hurry through this section or that, I hold my grocery list before me like a shield.

I''m a food addict. I don't go to a certain area of Atlanta, a vacation, a party without thinking about food and planning for it. I try to avoid that too , but sometimes the planning and preparing is better. I'm off next week and going out of town for a short trip. I'm both excited and anxious.

One day at a time ..One day at a time..One day at a time..

For The Record, Stuck

2011-11-06T08:50:00.004-05:00

I've been looking back at my own blogs to see where I was in my head and heart in the past. I do that when I'm struggling, but also because this blog will reach a 2 year anniversary soon. Sometimes, it helps me, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, I'm shocked /surprised/amused/ashamed to see that I'm in exactly the same place.

It's these times I wish I had a blog back when I weighed 345 and was starting out on my journey. I had just looked back to last years blogs and could see the same patterns and thought processes of what I'm going through now. And my weight is similar, but there are differences. Some more road traveled, wisdom gained. But ultimately, the insanity continued since I keep repeating some of the same behaviors over and over without seeing different results.

What are these blogs for? Sometimes, I'm touched when I read other's blogs. Sometimes , I see myself as I am or as I want to be. Sometimes I get pissed off and I bite my tongue and staunch the desire to reply . After reading some blogs that I've read for over 2 years now I see the patterns in their behavior and thinking and the stuck-ness they are in . I see it in mine.

Here's part of a post from November 2009 in the early days of this blog.

I've been thinking of what my intention is for this blog. I've lost now 108 lbs, but I've been circling the 230's for about 3 months now. I think I need this blog as a way to tell me, my own story. I've recorded my weight loss journey in little spiral notebooks..what I ate, thought , drank, exercises, my feelings, my blood sugars, everything. That's a lot of books. And then there are those little Weight Watchers books with my meetings/weights charted and sprinkled with gold stars. There were the nifty little grafts and charts with measurements from a year at Curves. And the little diet sheets and notes that different nutritionists gave me along the way . Some /most of it is in a box, but it's a bit cumbersome to pull out. When I look in the mirror I see me and it's hard to see or judge how big I am . When I see people in public or in magazines or on TV I can't tell if I'm bigger or smaller than they are. I'll ask my husband for confirmation on this. And this isn't new. When I was gaining that weight to get to 345, I didn't realize how big I was.

I have to remind myself that I'm not the same size I was before. When my knees and shins and hips are hurting from exercise I have to remember it is from exercise not just from existing or trying to get out of bed or walk to the bathroom. While at times I feel athletic and full of energy at other I still feel and look big. My clothes were at size 30/32 and now I can wear 18/20 or most 2xls depending on the cut of the clothes.

In the last 3 months that my weight has sort of plateaued I've tried to be more strict, follow my plan one way or another . There have been birthdays, mini vacations, and eating out on occasion. Oh and the beginning of the "Chocolate Holidays": Halloween with Christmas right on it's heels. Even though I don't partake that much I deal with the stress, the deliberations, the talking to myself in my head moment by moment.

I want to go through all the journals to write the history of this journey as much for me as for anyone that would be interested to read it. I've had to change and re- define my plan all along the way . Minute to minute sometimes, so there have been a lot of changes. But rather than cover it all now. I'll just start with this.

My statement or rather my Rule for my weight loss
This is what works for me today . For progress, It may(will) need to be changed. It will be harder to do , be less calories, take more time, take more exercise than I think it will or should. But it is working.

FOOD:
I'm an addict. I have to eat food to live. But I don't have to think about food all the time. Drool at commercials. Obsess. The problem is that when you are trying to lose weight , you have to think alot about......food. In it's barest essence, Food became my comfort, the thing I could reward myself with or console myself, the sure thing, obtainable, comforting, calming, numbing. And it tastes good too.

So I ate my way to 345 and as a nurse this was embarrassing and also terrifying. I know all the things that can happen to a person who is obese and doesn't get healthy . The trials of my patients sadden me, frighten me, and motivate me. When I hear about my alcoholic patient whose brain is essentially dissolving , he can't walk or talk or even think.... and I think..why can't he just stop drinking. Oh , oh yeah, why can't I stop overeating and start getting healthier..........

I am still in this place in a way. I'm not sure what I want as the outcome for pointing out my own insanity. Maybe at a minimum it's just good for me to put it out there and to mark it for posterity when I have another blog anniversary. I'm not satisfied with where I am in mind , body , and spirit. In the last couple of years I have been at times. I want that.

Put up or shut up!....Go for it! ...Just do it!

2011-11-04T11:29:00.003-04:00

Little slogans...mantras...affirmations... I use them.

This week it's been "Put up or shut up" meaning:

PUT UP either put up with the aches and pains and groans and moans and "oh woe is me my weight is climbing" and " oh crap! the holiday food challenge is here!"

or

SHUT UP--shut the heck up and do what works to do something about it. Just doing something feels better than not and putting up with the consequences.

I just popped a Halls Honey lemon throat drop..throat is getting scratchy and I just sneezed a couple of times. The drop has little slogans and this drop said
"GO FOR IT!"

So, Like a mule putting it's head down to pull a too heavy wagon I've been doing it, going for it, shutting up and doing.

But it feels like this sometimes

They came , we gave, asleep by 10:30

2011-11-01T06:55:00.005-04:00

tricked, treated, tired

About 70 mini bags of pretzels and cheese puffs
1 bag of twizzlers
1 bag of starburst
1 1/2 bag of assorted chocolates
--and then my own private stash of mini popcorn and raisins and planters peanuts when we were running out of candy and had about 15 kids show up.

ALL gone by 8:30 ( save 3 twizzlers , 1 popcorn, 1 rasin box)
My husband and I went out and de-Halloweened the front porch and shut down all the lights.
Closed.

Best costume: smurf versus Captain Jack Sparrow

Best personality: The kid dressed up in classic black and white striped gangster outfit including fedora and tommy gun who kept saying in his best Al Pacino "Scarface" accent "I'm Tony Montana!"

Worst costume: the adult mother in naughty French Maid ( or was she a naughty nurse or naughty Alice in wonderland) shopping at Publix with her kids. This was a big, tall woman who did not need to be wearing thigh high stockings, bustier, garters, high heels, mini dress outside of the bedroom. The teenage bag boy and I just looked at each other, no words required though I had to say it "that should not be" and he replied "In front of her kids".

The hubby and I are both so glad the chocolate is gone gone.

October nearly over

2011-10-29T16:25:00.011-04:00

Cold enough to wear layers.
Driving through the country to view and ooh and ahh over the Fall colors.
Breakfast in front of the fireplace at Cracker Barrel.
A visit to the last farmer's market of the season --windy and cold.
Veggies on the cheap--time to roast up some eggplant,squash, garlic, and tomatoes.
Had a random and nice chat with a veteran of the Korean war who was trying to keep his tent from blowing away.
New gloves at K mart. The circulation in my fingers isn't what it once was, so I tend to wear a couple of pairs when I'm out walking the dogs.
A few oohs and ahs at Hobby Lobby over kitschy decorations I'll never buy.
Two Christmas gifts purchased.
A cup of pumpkin spice tea. A scary movie. A sleepy dog in my lap.
Clothes washing, clothes drying.
I stuck to my pledge of buying no socks, candles, pjs or house goods, though I did eye some pjs and fondle some fleece socks.
Darn it..Got plenty of my own--I'm about to sort my giant load of clean socks.
I am a girl of simple pleasures.
Hope you are all finding peace and warmth on this autumn day.

It's Nearly Time For The Great Pumpkin

Hoarders--ish

2011-10-25T18:15:00.004-04:00

I had the day off today and I've spent it at home cleaning. This is monumental. Well, it's actually out of desperation. Having things orderly and cleaned up gives me a sense of peace. Not too peaceful in Casa-Pj.

There are so many things that need to be done. First, I cleaned up part of the kitchen and organized a few things. Part of me wants to just go to the gym and then hang out at the bookstore all day. No..home..peace..self care.

Then, the major clean up began. So overwhelming. I started with the focus on laundry. Dirty and clean laundry clog up the bedroom, living room, hallway, and laundry room in this house. It has to be done.

Here's but a bit of what I did: sorting laundry, resorting laundry in to larger more space efficient boxes, resorting these boxes in order to be washed next to the washing machine. Washed and put up a bunch of laundry. One whole basket of socks!
I'm ashamed to see how many socks we have.

Lunch break and watched a Lifetime movie with Harry Connick Jr and Rene Zellwegger fast forward with the dvr. Ahhhh ..Harry

Then, putting up clean laundry until halfway through I just was over it. So I bagged up 2 large yard size garbage bags of clothes to go to Good Will. Sorted out a box of books to go to the used book store . Bagged up trash and boxes to the garage. Fortified logs to the back fence because the two labs next door were trying to make their great escape in to our back yard. Lot's of sweeping. The Cat box area is immaculate.

At least twice I stopped and curled up in to the fetal position in a ball on the bed (amongst the clean laundry). Here's what I tell myself:

" Oh My God! " " I'm a hoarder. " ......"I need to hire a team of people , but I'm too embarrassed. "..." I can't stand this "........"I give up"..."Can't give up, move to another area and just start doing a little...." " Do 10 minutes" ....This is somewhat tongue in cheek, somewhat not. arrgh.

Another break, I called my sister as her fiance' is in the hospital getting cancer treatments. They had watched an episode of Hoarders and admitted they had some serious sorting , donating, and throwing away to do themselves. I felt a little better. Now if I can just keep up the momentum. OY!

Ok, I'm going to saddle up now and go walk the dogs and start loading up the car with boxes and bags for Goodwill. I skipped the gym today and felt guilty but then realized I was working out somewhat.

Tomorrow, another off day to deliver these goods, doc appointments, and have lunch and wander around Atlanta with a friend.

Here is what I know. I commit to you all , myself, and the universe .

I Will Buy NONE Of The Following For The Rest Of The Year
--Socks
--Candles
--Tote bags or shopping totes of any kind
--Floral anything
--Workout clothes
--PJs--gulp!
--Throws, fleece , blankets, sheets, towels, baskets, mugs, kitchen anything..house anything

AND!!!!!!!!!!

Books--trade in for used or shop amongst my own library. For anything else (other than grocery / household supplies)--shop in my own house first or donate an item to GoodWill before buying new.

Seriously

Mojovation

2011-10-23T09:49:00.006-04:00

Still a work in progress, but -'in progress'.

Involves:

self care. sleep. journaling. coffee. apples galore.

Zumba lite ( first time I've zumbad since the 'great knee incident after the GO GO's concert that involved steroid injections and physical therapy '. continued knee exercises and icing of knees. danced at the DURAN DURAN concert and knees -all good

affirmations. reading Beatrix Potter books. planned treats.

trying on clothes at Old Navy and confirming I'm still an XL not an XXL. watching "The Big Bang Theory". snuggles with the dogs.

following the plan. drinking water and Constant Comment Tea. realizations.

saying no, saying yes, saying maybe later.

saying "I'm ok. I'm a good person." new pjs. short and frequent walks.

still working on it but wanted to say Hey!....I've got a couple of days off this week from work and I plan to do more of the same.

From Halloween to Christmas, I'm in FULL Peanuts mode

Oh great pumpkin..where are you?

2011-10-16T21:14:00.002-04:00

Not much that I want to blog about these days. Working on my mojo.

Living On The Edge----------It's All Relative

2011-10-11T22:35:00.002-04:00

I've been living on the edge off and on for years. I started thinking about this when I was reading my Kindle in the bathtub. It's not that I don't value the Kindle, but I guess I value reading in the bathtub more. That sounds stupid even to me.

I took a look back at living on the edge for me. Overall, I see a theme of disconnection. Disconnection from what I need to be doing or disconnection from what might be best for me. Also, the "Edge" is different over time. It's all relative.

The early years--lying to teachers, climbing trees that were too tall that I had no business climbing, crawling through drainage pipes under city streets, trespassing -on many occasions

The college years -waiting to study for an exam the night before the test, - eating dinner in the cafeteria and sharing a pizza with friends later on while studying, -getting my first credit card in college when I had no business getting one

The just-after-college "St Elmo's Fire" years aka my 20's--going dancing with friends until 4 am after working the 3pm to 11 pm shift and then sleeping in until it's time to go to work again for the next 3 pm shift....Or going out alone to see a band play in the Atlanta warehouse district where skinheads worked as bouncers. Food binges, spending binges, filling out yet another credit card application

The early to mid 30's years--running up multi credit card debt,
leaving a steady job and job security of 9 years to pursue a dream to travel around the country as a travel nurse, eating and drinking in a small Mexican border town--more than once, and the equivalent of on line dating at the time -classified ad dating

And now the 40's-- skipping my vitamins or daily meds, reading my Kindle in the bathtub, not opening or reading the mail until it was weeks old and then dealing with the consequences, falling off the wagon so to speak as far as exercise and food plans.

Quite a difference over the years in what living on the edge means. I can't believe some of the things I've done. I chuckle and cringe and wince and shake my head as I look over this list ( as well as the things I didn't put in this blog.) In other ways, it all seems very "vanilla". I believe in the theory that your mistakes help shape you as well as your struggles and successes.

I have no idea where I was going with this , but I'm posting it any way. Living on the edge.

A Cup of Coffee With Hugh Grant

2011-10-07T22:03:00.005-04:00

photo from the Godiva coffee website

I don't know about every one else, but I sometimes have to bolster myself before going in to the grocery store. I give myself a 'talking to' or as a friend calls it " a come to Jesus" moment. Truth, honesty, hope and strength in a pep talk. I remind myself that the Halloween candy will be out. And that I don't like the way this feels or that looks or worrying about my health . I MUST string along consistently good day day after consistently good day.

There's the 90% part of me that doesn't want to eat off my plan, doesn't want to over indulge , and only wants to eat what I should be eating. But that part has been known to just evaporate entirely sometimes. That's when the 10% part takes over and suddenly wants what she wants and has it. I know in my heart and head that I really don't need something. So the 'talking to' is for reinforcement for that little 10% ( the all powerful) that can really throw off my day.

So today, I had to give myself a talking to before going in to the grocery store. I was trying to avoid the temptations and siren calls of pumpkin bread and muffins and doughnuts at Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks which are right down the street from me (as well as the now 6 other bakery type places also within a mile of my house.)

I'm traipsing through Publix and I've filled up half the cart with fresh veggies and fruit and mini bags of pretzels to give out to the trick or treaters. I'm feeling quite smug and healthy. But I'm just on aisle two now, and I've got the whole store to go. Thoughts of French Vanilla Dunkin Donuts coffee and a Pumpkin muffin are still floating around me. I know better. I want better for me. But the thoughts are there. I admit it.

Then I spot it. A solution. Temptation is erased, or rather subverted.

Godiva coffee. They have "Fall Flavors" --Pumpkin Spice and Caramel Pecan Bark. Something about the Caramel Pecan bark seemed right.
Here's the description: " Inspired by our signature bark, this medium roast coffee has a rich, smooth caramel and toasted pecan flavor with a creamy Godiva milk chocolate finish."

And this coffee erased all thoughts of Dunkin Donuts and baked goods. The only calories will be in a little creamer I add with sweet n low. Head down, I make it through the rest of the store-no problemo.

OH BOY

Just had some. It tastes as good as it sounds. It's the perfect compliment to the movie I'm watching for probably the 14th time Four weddings and a Funeral. Gosh did this movie really come out in 1994?

love the black and white from google images

Sorry, this isn't a giveaway post unless you take away this: that pleasures such as coffee and a good movie can trump obsessing and briefly having 400 to 600 calorie bakery items and all the guilt and shame that goes along with it.

Catfish , Chipmunk, and Paula Deen

2011-10-05T07:59:00.002-04:00

Photo from the internet but the size of the catfish is about right. In the picture below that I took, the swirls of water are giant catfish opening their mouths to catch food. Hard to tell, but it kind of reminded me of piranhas. It freaked me out.

Well, I'm back from the birthday-weekend vacation with family at the casinos in Mississippi--a few dollars poorer, probably a few pounds heavier, but definitely a bit richer for spending cherished time with family. Paula Deen's buffet was visited (not my idea) and I had my 2nd annual birthday Kobe Beef Burger at the fancy steak place. Thankfully, the family agreed with me when I asked to skip the birthday song / cake / ice cream combo. (I might have had a little taste of pecan pie at Paula's earlier.)

Giant Kobe Beef burger and fries?..I could not eat it all.

I saw turtles and catfish the size of labrador retrievers swimming in the river outside one casino. The casinos sit beside or sort of on the Mississippi river, but these were definitely tourist attraction "wild life" since they had catfish food for sale in giant gumball dispensers. You would not want to fall in with one of these muthas.

So, I've been home a couple of days and working and sleeping and catching up on episodes of "The Big Bang Theory" that is on my dvr daily ( Thank you TBS).
My new favorite show that I've never watched and has been on for like 4 or so seasons. Getting back on the diet plan too.

When I first came home, my two dogs kept me busy the first half hour demanding all my love and petting attention. The Cat looked miserable because he couldn't get in there for any love. So he stalked off right then in front of me and caught a chipmunk. He trotted back to me with the live chipmunk in his mouth. Royal Treatment! I had to scramble to get the sliding glass door closed before 'da kitteh' could deposit his catch in the house. I then swooped him up, he dropped the chipmunk; and after a few encouraging words, the chipmunk took off for the hills. Da Kitteh' was pouting and ready for round 2. It was time for a time-out in the garage for kitty, so the chipmunk could get some distance from the house. The dogs were oblivious to all of this.

Yep, definitely home.

Gettin Older - she is a beyatch

2011-09-28T12:48:00.004-04:00

Majestic Diner, Atlanta Ga

This is a post I wrote a while back that wasn't at my birthday but was appropriate for a birthday post. I will turn 49 on Saturday. 49 is significant because my dad had a major heart attack at 49, so a lot of this healthy living, exercise , and weight loss stuff is in response to that being over my head for the last many years.

I don't feel 49 at all except when I wake up somedays with arthritis pain and my back and hip and knees hurt.

Saturday , I'll be living the so called pseudo "VIP life" at a casino hotel in Tunica MS with my aunt , my sister and her fiance'. My aunt is the vip ( meaning she is a somewhat high roller), I'm just in the entourage. My honey husband will be at home with the pooches..he's not in to the casino trip thing. We are celebrating my birthday Thursday. Working to keep the healthy living me in control.........Happy birthday to you other Libras out there! See ya in October.

Quick Glance in the mirror
Pull out that Remington Personal Groomer-buzz kill the chin hair
Check the Clairol Nice n Easy Perfect 10 Light Chocolate Brown
-the color is good, gray is gone, looks 'vibrant'
But the amount of scalp starting to show through is a concern.

Hot and Sweating, Freezing Cold. Hot and Sweaty , Freezin Cold
Tummy aches--go for the soup and toast
Next day-Aunt Flo makes her appearance, though a ghostly one
Cramps-only an echo of the past
So that was what all that was about..well, it has been 3 months
Ah, Perimenapause

Left pinkie hurts when I type an A, a Q , a Z.
Rt knee hurts from walking and doing squats 2 days ago
Back hurts-mostly all the time in some fashion
Pop another Aleive

Radio plays REM, U2 , B 52s.
Radio plays Mumford and Sons, Kings of Leon, The Decemberists
The old bands still make "New " music
The new bands sound like the old bands circa 1985 retro

But I slam danced and wore cool clothes once
My hair was asymmetrically bobbed with shaved sideburns
I danced till 4 am and then suffered abuse at the hands of the bee-hived geriatric waitresses at the Majestic diner like all the other 'after club' goers
I still get a chill and sing along to that Til Tuesday song or dance to that song by The Smith's

I still like Ally Sheedy's look in The Breakfast Club
I still remember looking like that in the 80's in New York once at the MoMa museum
Monet Water Lily exhibit

That is when I felt the most ...me
But not really..the me I thought I wanted to be...maybe

hmmmmmmmmm So, this is what it's like to turn 49

Is Willpower a muscle?

2011-09-25T09:58:00.004-04:00

My therapist is reading a book about Willpower and psychologists who study willpower and have found that it is like a muscle. We can flex it and use it but eventually it gets exhausted and worn out. It needs to rest. Then start over. I guess.

Apparently researchers did tests where the subjects had to exhibit self control, but before those exercises they were offered chocolate chip cookies to either indulge in or try to exhibit control over. The folks that had to exhibit control to avoid the cookies didn't do so well in the self control exercises. They'd already exhausted their ability to exhibit self control.

We talked about this in relation to how I do well for a while and then slip in to the pit. The pit of eating my favorite things, thinking about food, looking up recipes, watching food network shows, obsessing about baked goods..etc .etc..etc...

Indulging.

It also seems like the more strict and more restrictive I am when I'm exhibiting willpower is relative to how deep is the pit and how long it takes to get out. That pit gets pretty deep at times.

I've been thinking about this for the last couple of days. I just googled it and read in more detail about this. I've also slid in to the pit of sorts in the last couple of days...darn you Hungry girl and Pioneer Woman!

It does explain how I do so well with a diet , then question how well I'm doing with a diet, and get disappointed that it takes a long time for this body to show results (takes longer to see results when you've already lost a bunch). Then the slide in to the pit.

The pit involves intentional enjoyment of foods I'd put on a pedatsal and avoided , then less enjoyment but just rote usage of food, and then the feelings of disgust and demoralization. And then gratefully, the coming awake of that desire to be more and to be better. The climb out of the pit. That will power muscle is rested and flexes once again.

I slid in to the ditch in the last couple of days, but I'm clawing my way out one handful of dirt at a time. Using my muscles.

Stalking Mr Darcy..uh, I mean Colin Firth

2011-09-22T23:33:00.003-04:00

I heard today that Colin Firth is going to be in North Carolina in Oct to Nov filming a movie. I am going to be in North Carolina in Nov, not filming a movie, but visiting the Biltmore House ( candle light evenings). I have a decent car now and can make road trips. And I know someone who knows someone who is part of the production team.

It's promising but that's a long darn way away.

In Atlanta, we have Billy Crystal filming a movie. If Colin were in Atlanta filming I'd take vacation days to stalk the film sets. Well, in theory I would .

How do you folks in New York and Hollywood do it ?

Well, at least I can go to the Biltmore Estate and day dream.

Biggest Loser Begins, again, but am I still watching?

2011-09-20T21:57:00.011-04:00

Season 12 Trainers

Season 12 started tonight, and I watched it. Now I'm stopping to think- Do I want to want watch another season? My interest has dwindled over the years, that's for sure. I've just kind of skimmed over the last two seasons. Is it because I've lost the majority of my weight and have been maintaining it? Or maybe that I finally realize that weighing every day only leads me to disappointment , or that the number on the scale is not my worth. Sometimes the number on the scale stays the same but I lose a pants size and feel great. Numbers on the scale are a big deal with the Biggest Loser.

When I was starting out on my own personal journey to lose weight at 345 lbs , the show was like a lifeline for me. These were my people. I remember telling my husband that these were the only people on television or even in my own world who really reflected back my own reality, my fears, and pain and connection to food. Not an episode went by where I didn't connect very personally to something that someone said or was going through. That occurred tonight as well-the 50 year old woman whose father died shortly after she went to the ranch.

I recognize that this one television show had a lot to do with motivating me in my own journey. It made me feel ok to branch into a "real" coed gym from the relative safety of Curves. (At 345lb Curves was a big bad bear of a challenge--it's all relative.) It made me strive to work with a personal trainer despite the fear and embarrassment and money.

Knowing that the contestants were getting through the exercises made me feel I could do it. Hearing what Bob and Jillian said to them reverberated in my head as I worked out. I know I pushed past my comfort level because of the show. I still use my imagination to channel Bob or Jillian screaming "LAST CHANCE WORKOUT!" to get me through some workouts.

And I notice that, for the most part, people at the gym do not work out at the intensity of the folks on the Biggest Loser . I've only worked out at that intensity when I've had a trainer yelling at me in my ear or when I've taken Kickboxing classes or in special classes. I think we all miss the boat when we don't have that intensity, and that frustrates me.

But here is where the show irritates and basically disappoints me, because I would love to see them focus on or at least minimally cover so many other things.
--How are they initially oriented to the Biggest Loser house and diet and lifestyle?
--What they are actually eating, besides Jenny O turkey and Subway?
--What, if any , are the stumbling blocks in following the diet and exercise in the first few weeks or along the way?
--What, if any , guidance is given to contestants when they are sent home?
--How are they dealing with their emotions? Are they having therapy or any formal guidance on processing feelings that they once only knew how to deal with food?
--How about the adjustments in body image with the rapid weight loss?
--Here is where the show really misses the boat--How these 200+ 300+ 400+ bodies respond to the amount of exercise each day ? The show doesn't really portray what a typical day is exercise -wise. In other words, are they downing Motrin left and right. I think I've seen that them have trainers use heat and ice and taping and massage after workouts. These are things that people need to know so they don't try to bust out a 3 or 5 hour workout on their own before they are physically ready.
--Finally, the how to's on supporting and clothing these 300 and 400 + lb bodies? The reality is as you lose hundreds of pounds, you've got to have the right equipment and support or the flab will fly when you try to exercise. This can be painful.

Ok, I could go on and on. These desires come from my own experience as I struggled day to day to deal with these issues. The Biggest Loser has become a reference guide for one way to to lose weight. I want a complete reference guide, I guess and it's just a television show with the distraction of a contest for money.

Will I watch? Most likely. Probably. I feel motivated to get up and get a quick workout in before work tomorrow since I've got plans after work. I've lost and maintained over a hundred pound loss for more than 2 years. Unlike the show's contestants, I did not get off all my medications or get to stop using my cpap machine for sleep apnea. I'm ok with that, because that's the best thing for me. I didn't get a Tim Gunn / Macy's makeover. It's not easy peasey all the time. I'm a work in progress and still want to lose a little more weight. But yes, this television show helped me. Motivation any which way you can.

The new trainers seem fine. My honey, Bob is still there, but I'm gonna miss Jillian.

Arggh?

2011-09-20T07:48:00.003-04:00

I missed Talk like a Pirate day....only from a blog sense. I did say a few words and chuckle at a few folks who did miserable pirate speak on the radio. My husband came home from work with a bandanna on his head in true pirate fashion.

I also missed the Emmy's the other night and apparently missed a fabulous Michael Bolton as Pirate performance. I only heard about it on the Kathy Griffin follow-up slam of the Emmy's. Apparently , she had a little tiff with Michael because he was trying to cut in line on the red carpet. So that threw him off his game for his performance. I only saw pictures and laughed hysterically at her story.

Food-good. No binges and no obsessions. Exercise-good. Easing back in to routines and still exercising the back and knees to get them stronger. Weight-have not weighed since last week and will hold off till Thursday. I know the scale will never reflect how good I feel and the string of consistently good days I'm stringing along. My clothes are fitting better so I'm happy.

Gratitude today: laughs, work, snuggling with the dog, good morning kisses. Dunkin donuts coffee.

My new baby -hip to be square

2011-09-16T22:58:00.009-04:00

"looks that only a mother could love..." photo from google but same color as mine

I've been a wee bit busy lately: working, looking for the title to the car I was selling ( never found it), still sold my Honda, and bought a Nissan Cube. Drove the little fella around. (I think it's a fella-yes, I'm one of those people that considers the personality of the car and names it). The Honda was "Sapphire Spice aka Sapphy Spice-the secret blue car spice girl". Before the Honda was the Ford I named Louie because I bought him in Louisville, Ky.

I felt incredibly sad and mournful driving Sapphy to the guy that bought her. She gave me 13 years. RIP. But he promises she'll get a new paint job and some fixing up and make someone a nice little car. I didn't feel confident in her and was renting cars whenever I had to go out of town.

So , The Nissan Cube.

There are very few of these around here, and I think some of the newer 2012's might have been damaged in the earthquake in Japan. I went through a couple of days of just sitting with the idea because I was a little embarrassed about it. I'd spent actually several months working on this. I did a lot of research and test drives and tried everything from a Honda Fit to a Ford to Kias to Hyundai's and various Suv-crossovers. Weird as it is, it fit me the best as it met the set of criteria that I had felt was most important to me. Spacious feel, Good gas mileage, cost which would allow for more accessories, and good visibility. It already exceeds the expected gas mileage as I'm getting 30 mpg driving around town. It's a 2011 so the price was very good.

Edmunds says of the Cube " car equivalent of a ninja dressed in Hello Kitty pajamas riding on the back of a robot Godzilla." Yea, whatever. ok, Maybe about right.

It feels like I'm driving around either a British Taxi or an ice cream delivery truck or a mini mini-van or a souped up golf cart. Don't have a name for him yet. Many have come to mind: Greystokes, Earl Grey, Lady Grey, Sir Stubbington---Stubbs for short, or Ninji.

We are still getting to know each other, so nothing is really fitting yet. Above all , he makes me smile......and giggle. I think the idea of the Cube is to be like a zen lounge space. Seriously.

weird water ripple effect on ceiling , part of it's nature-zen vibe

Asymmetry is big with the Cube. For me, better visibility is key.
This weekend I'll be getting acquainted with my new buddy and listening to his XM radio.

Too Fat To Be A Zombie!

2011-09-13T21:47:00.007-04:00

And I'm ok with that....... Really.

And chances are you might be too fat to be one too.

I'm not too upset about it. Who has time to commute to downtown Atlanta or go to Zombie school (she says flicking her hair and checking the non-existent manicure on her right hand). Humph!

It's no joke. And no, I don't think we need to form a support group over it.

To explain: Atlanta has become the mecca lately for the filming of movies (Zombieland) and television shows (Amc's The Walking Dead) about zombies and even vampires (The Vampire Diaries.) They just filmed part of a movie 10 miles from my house.(where is Johnny Depp? is what I wanna know) We get radio reports about traffic snafus around filming locations and whether to expect gunfire.

They also send out casting requests over the radio. Today I heard twice that they were looking for "emaciated" and "gaunt" people for Zombie extras. Then I heard the more PC version -"very slim" adults. Then I happened to read a magazine article that they were looking for thin people with "long necks...and bulging eyes".

They wanted people that looked hungry.

Ok, I could say soooo many things about this now. But I will shut my mouth in my healthy, rosy cheeks and just be happy that I'm not really zombie material.

Somber Realizations / Life Stuff

2011-09-11T09:23:00.008-04:00

I don't have words to adequately memorialize 9/11. It is beyond me. But it makes me think about how I'm living.

This weekend :
I stocked up on fresh veggies and salads at the farmer's market and will prep and cook some of it today for the week. This is only a newly acquired habit that I'm instilling in myself. I've read about how others do this in books, magazines and blogs, and It sure worked last week. I'm thinking baked eggplant / tomatoes / squash/ Parmesan.

Kindle love-I'm reading a really good book based in Scotland and France that bounces back and forth in time. Book geek.

Rest and.... I took a nap yesterday and still fell asleep before 11 pm. Did I mention I'm getting very excited about getting my new car on Thursday. Saying good bye to my old car is sad and I feel guilt. Silly.

Food: Last night, I ate a big healthy stir fry of veggies and later baked up a dish of peaches and pears and cherries with pumpkin pie spice. Popcorn while watching movies. Today, whole grain pancake/scrambled egg/ baked fruit compote.

I've mistakenly watched a couple of somber and somewhat frightening movies. Contagion at the movie theater..good movie, scary movie. sad movie. It had me thinking I should stock up on foods, face masks, and hand sanitizer. Maybe, I should consider getting a gun.

Then the movie 127 Hours a true story about the guy stuck in a desolate canyon in the Moab desert with his arm stuck between a rock and a canyon wall. He comes up with a desperate solution in his will to live. But for me, it's more about that he realizes that he isolates himself with his self reliance and self absorption and that yes, he needs and must have connection to others to live.

The end result for me: I want to embrace life, hear music, move my body, enjoy nature with my animals, organize the messes I've made, and laugh with my husband. Cramming it all in.

Live. It is a blessed gift.

Punctuation, spelling, and grammar rules and guidelines are never followed in this blog. Knowingly. Lazily.

Ummmmm--haven't fallen off the planet just visiting the Punkin cottage

2011-09-08T06:42:00.008-04:00

photo found on google search

Still here. You know when people don't post much we tend to think it's because they are off track and spiraling downward which is also known as " going through the hand in the cookie box / head in the fridge" phase. Not this time!

Let's see this week: I've been working long hours, and going to physical therapy for the last week, I hope. I've been cleaning up my old car for a trade in ( I'm not big in to cleaning..I get lost in the minutiae of finding scraps from the past. )I've been deciding on which new car to buy and just gave the order last night. I've read and commented on just a few blogs rather than write here. I'm following a food plan and finding it very easy to do for a change.

I'm working hard not to get obsessed with pounds lost but it feels good to feel the results. These are the recently acquired pounds gained over the summer when I got fed up with dieting , was having emotional binge eating, worked with a new dietitian and explored intuitive eating. When I just couldn't handle the fear /reality of regaining any more weight, I made a decision. I always get peaceful when I finally make a decision. So I am following a food delivery system with my husband and it seems to be working for me. I'd lost a good portion of my weight loss following a delivery system-it seems to work for me where making a ton of my own choices does not. I still make plenty of choices and have a good deal of freedom on this system which is why it's working for me now when in the past it may not have.

So just wanted to pop in and give a brief report. For some reason I don't want to give a lot of details. I guess I want something to "stick"..to work.before I share more about it.

Other than that, cooler rainy weather here in Atlanta. We saw our first night time temperature in the 50's--woo hoo. Pumpkin baked good are back at Dunkin Donuts-my delight/nemesis and I have not indulged. Though at some point in the next month or so I will, and I will do so with intention and mindfully and with no guilt. none.

Now, I am going to crack open a can of pumpkin and add it with cinnamon, raisins, and sugar free Maple syrup to my cottage cheese for what I call Punkin Cottage.

The Stuff of Weekends

2011-09-04T09:49:00.001-04:00

Maybe I'll crack open my bottle of True Blood tonight. Hmmm?

+ My dog Angel wants to sit on my lap so she pressed her head against the keyboard and the + sign got posted.

Plus. I'm sitting here trying to think what to blog about. Do I talk about what I'm eating and not eating and how I'm not having binges and I'm losing weight. And I'm only exercising minimally. All true. Yeah!

Do I talk about how I'm at physical therapy on Friday and my knees popped and clicked loudly and my physical therapist said 'I don't like that' and that I have to keep coming back. Then as I'm doing exercises I start getting down about the way my extra loose skin / flesh hangs. I start to go down that path of beating up on myself because I've damaged my body so from my years of compulsive overeating and binges. The damage is done. But 5 minutes later I'm icing my knees and I read in a magazine about stopping negative self talk and not letting yourself go down that path. I perk up. I kind of think those are "God moments" or Angel moments.

$10 dress, though the add says $14. Cool, 1950 's inspired Sundress from the Avenue size 18 /20. Sleep shorts for $7. Even the salesperson looked at me and gave me the look "Wow, what a Steal!". That was a win.

Today: church, wearing my sundress. Veggie prep of all the Farmer's market fruit and veggies I got yesterday. Kitchen clean up. Visit with my sister and her beau with my hubby today as they travel through Atlanta. Tonight True Blood.
Plus Plus Sunday

Nearly Fall Fly By and any Nissan CUBE OWNERS?

2011-08-31T09:52:00.003-04:00

I haven't fallen off the radar just buzzing past it at warp speed. Here are the highlights:

--Car-I buy new / tried the used thing once and it didn't work for me. On an hourly basis I vacillate between the Nissan Cube or the Ford Focus Hatchback ( see pictures other post) or going out and trying something new again .

If there are ANY CUBE OWNERS OUT THERE, PLEASE SAY SOMETHING! I think in my heart of hearts I want the cube but my head is saying it isn't the better car.

--Health and Eating--going great. Following a plan and sticking to it. I've eaten more fruit and veg in a few days than I do in a week. No screw ups or mishaps. Just eating healthy. Weighing weekly. Working on the not obsessing thing.

--Exercise--Physical therapy twice a week and otherwise bike / walk /weights. I 've set goals to do the 2 sessions of therapy which usually includes some biking. Plus I do two bike sessions at gym and 2-3 weight training for upperbody at gym and I try to stretch daily. something about checking off the little boxes on my plan is a feel good thing.

--FALL---Today, sitting in therapy with first heat and then later ice on both knees I read the Oct edition of Family Circle magazine ( not this cover but similar). I'm a fall girl. Pumpkins, apples, cinnamon, leaves, walks. Have spent a couple of Autumns in Vermont, so my thoughts are with those guys dealing with the aftermath of Irene. I had a small bowl of krunchy fiber cereal with blue berries and then some cottage cheese with baked apple and sugar free maple syrup.. Now I'm drinking hot apple spiced cider tea and imagining it is cool. Come to me, Autumn.

Saturday So Far -more car stuff

2011-08-27T17:46:00.008-04:00

Ford Focus Hatchback.

Saturday

Breakfast: Indulgent and lunch will be better. Prayers for the folks in the path of Irene.

Test Drive Car #1: Ford Focus with my husband. Gosh, it seemed much bigger when I drove it the first time. My husband freaked at the price as he tries to compare everything to what we paid for our current cars . Our 10 and 13 year old base model cars.

Tomorrow we tackle test drive #2 Nissan Cube. Kinda the wackier choice of the two, I know.

Then, Work out--yea!..Bike riding and weight training for an hour. Just 2 sessions of Physical therapy has been amazing. This is the highlight of this day.

The Kroger Dunkin Donuts Screw Up . In my previous post , I mentioned that Krogers had the 18 oz package of my favorite coffee on sale for a manager's special of $7.60. I got 2 packages, went back for more, and they were gone. Today, I went to another Krogers and their manager's special was to have the same size coffee on sale for something like $14.95 which was a lower price than the usual $19.95. Whew! I stuck it to the man and didn't even know I did at the time.

While at Krogers I realized I was actually very hungry and I only went in for 4 things. Bad news. I got some "healthy" pretzels. The only real healthy pretzel for me is simply the single serving version. This was too many pretzels. I had much anxiety and was very hungry. Lunch didn't turn out as well as I'd planned. I have no further interest in pretzels. None. But I do have one Pecan Pie Lara bar for a treat sometime this weekend.

Drinking water, flush the toxins, watching Doctor Who marathon and bloggin.

6 pm on a Saturday night, the weekend is half over. I feel I need to rescue my weekend. I can do this.

Good News , Bad News

2011-08-25T07:23:00.003-04:00

Good: I don't know what those managers at Krogers are thinking, but they have my favorite coffee on sale for a manager's special in the extra large 1 1/2 pound container for $7.60. This is about 1/2 off.( I jut saw this advertised for $24 on line while I surfed for a picture to post.) The 12 ounce coffee is nearly $10. I guess 3 pounds isn't enough, I'm going back. I'll have coffee to get me to the new year. I feel like I did when I hit the canned pumpkin jackpot last Fall during the big pumpkin shortage.

More good: Eating right about 80% good / 20% not as good is paying off. Focusing on really getting in there to stop any food binges by feeling feelings and journaling is working. Plus, I started exercising again ( riding the bike, weight training, physical therapy.) Weight is down about 8 pounds. woo hoo

BAD BAD

This stuff is bad news. It gives that Willy wonka experience of really tasting the whole pie , for reals, in a stick of gum. Then a few days later you really crave an apple pie and consider / and do drive thru at Mcdonalds. 2 pies for $1-that is so wrong. Then you are thinking pie, pie, pie. No more of this stuff, addictive. I did result to just oven baking an apple with spices and that is my fix now for this craving while I detox from that gum.

Gym Joy and Car shopping

2011-08-23T21:02:00.004-04:00

Car shopping has been narrowed down to either a Ford Focus Hatchback or a Cube. The Cube is the one I'm embarrassed about. But it's the one that has stuck with me since I drove it a month ago. The Focus is very nice and better , way better, on paper . Gotta figure this out.

But as usual, it now is a waiting game because the hubby needs to go test drive the two choices. Our schedules don't exactly coincide, so this is a problem. But, no way Im going to buy something and then have an issue down the road, and have him say "I told ya so" ( which has, can and will happen).

A trip to the gym brings renewal and hope. Just a little recumbent biking , streching, and upper body weight training. No intensity, no sprints, no sweat. No pain. I enjoyed my music. Muscles were working. Hoping the quality over quantity method rules. Physical therapy session one on Wednesday.

Juiced the joints.

Ihop breakfast or PJ breakfast?

2011-08-21T13:43:00.003-04:00

Pj's: my "Jane Austen" girly , frilly lace nightgown.
Coffee: all gone, Cracker Barrell Pumpkin Pecan Pie flavored-ooh!

Sunday morning joy is lying in bed with hubby-me finishing up my good book on Kindle, Hubby looking at blogs. Here we are chatting with one dog snoring between us. As with almost every Sunday, we consider how good it would be to have pancakes and eggs from Ihop. Whoever puts my idea in place for a 'breakfast in bed' delivery company would make good money and would have a regular customer with us.

After yesterday's day of driving to car places and test driving cars and being no closer to a decision , I had come home to find that I felt sick and had a fever. I really don't want to go out today.

But what about Ihop? click , click the nutritional info on the Ihop site. Now when I get food from Ihop , I always get 2 or 3 meals out of what I get. I usually get the Simple Fit Blueberry harvest pancake breakfast and add extra turkey bacon and then eat half and save half for breakfast for the next day. Sometimes I really want potatoes, like today, so a Country omelet with turkey bacon and hash browns with the harvest grain pancakes. Click Click..the calories came to around 1300. Wow, if I ate that in 2 breakfasts that is still about 700 calorie. Crap. My husband's choices came to 1800 calories. THIS is what derails all the efforts that are made to lose or maintain a weight. Not that it isn't ok to have this, but the less often the better if one is concerned about gaining weight when they can't exercise hard.

My response, "Heck!. ....We are starting a new meal delivery system. We are not gong to have a calorie blow out. I'll make breakfast!"

Aunt Jemima oatmeal pancakes and sugar free syrup, whole wheat / high fiber toast, scrambled egg, turkey bacon. All total , around 440 calories and eaten in PJs. Then the kitty climbed in my lap for a nap because he doesn't feel good either. Calorie crisis averted.

Turtles, Cars , Food, Books

2011-08-20T09:07:00.005-04:00

Scary news stuff about the economy. To be honest I don't like to listen to the news or watch it. That's me, turtle with my head in the shell. I work all day with patients getting cancer and pneumonia and having car accidents. I can only take so much , ya know.

That being said, we got pre-approved for a car loan with a low , low interest rate through the credit union. My little boost to the economy. Things are breaking on my dying Honda, so I had to get my butt in gear. I'm using a car shopping business through the credit union which means I go to the dealer and deal with a rep who is going to dicker with the car shopping business , not me, to get the sale / get me the best price. I've got appointments to go test drive some cars today. Yep, peeling my behind out of the sofa cushions and my eyes from the Kindle.

Knees are sore. The Cortisone is working but not like it did last time. I'm going to go to the gym and pedal the recumbent bike to see what that does. They have one bike on the main level and the rest of the bikes are up a flight of stairs. Stairs are what did the knees in that night after the Go Go's concert, so I hope I can get that one bike on the main level. Maybe I'll buy a trainer to put my own bike Flo on it and just "ride" at home. I'm starting Physical therapy Wednesday.

On the calorie front, I have been making mostly great choices but yesterday slipped up and ate more grease and carb than is helpful. One meal out of many in a week , it makes me feel crappy but it was one meal. I'm considering doing a food delivery system again just to put some tight controls around calorie intake while I can't exercise at my old 4-7 hour a week regimen. It takes some of the spontaneity out of the equation which lately has been my main issue. My husband is wanting to do it too. I'm hoping doing it together will be good. Here we go again.

I'm reading this book.

It is awesome.

I just read the other book. It was awesome. Wow. wow.

Latez..enjoy your day.

Body Love and Knees

2011-08-17T21:32:00.007-04:00

photo off the internet

I keep writing blog posts and not posting them. I've been using my blog as an online journal but not sharing. So these thoughts are a little discombobulated. (love that word)

So, Hey (waving)...

There is a lot out there in blogland these days about self care, self love, body acceptance, and other variations. I've been working to figure out what it all means to me, and for a few years now, trying to do more about caring for myself with self care than through food. A novelty, huh?

Whine. But, food is the sure thing and it's soooooooooo much easier.

I like the phrasing that Miss Oprah and Bob Greene talk about with living your "Best Life" (another recent read). I'm still trying to define what that means for me and it IS coming together. Definitely my best life involves movement, joy, having fun, and not obsessing on the scale. And health. And being Fit--this is key.

Lately, having to go through highs and lows and successes and failures shows me the way. Losing something I had just regained shows me the way. I don't want to lose any thing else. So I'm thanking my body for getting me here and hanging in there. I will love and cherish it. Doesn't mean I'll be perfect, but I'll give it my best shot or at least a better shot.

I had my Ortho appointment on Monday. I started off my little spiel to the doc with "I know you see before you this 230lb woman but you have to know this...." as I recount my weight loss and exercise habits of the last 4 years. Whew! that went well. Xrays done. Arthritic knees, more arthritic. Doh.

So, 2 cortisone shots later , and today they are a little better. I walked the dogs for the first time in many days -just halfway around the block. I just started a new NSAID prescription and I'm trying to schedule some physical therapy. My right knee is a little unstable and wobbly.

Doc says there will maybe be more shots in my future and eventually surgery. Hopefully, that's a long way off and some magical Star Trek technology will be created by then and it will be nothing but a thang. I've been a hundred pounds over a normal weight for my height for nearly 30 years , so I have to accept it and make the best of it.

I'm very blessed, actually.

Moving and grooving and being able to reach all your body parts is a motivator. I will work through the pain to keep moving. Maybe taking it a little slower, less intense at first, maybe less intense from now on. I'll rethink jogging. More elliptical, more biking, get in a pool, walk.

I'm kind of starting over, but with a little more wisdom and confidence. I don't want to wear this body out. When I first joined Curves at 345 lb and 5 years ago, I was was pushing it to complete the workout and even once fell out of a machine right to the floor. Worn out. When I first completed 10 minutes on an elliptical 4 years ago it was a victory. The first time I really sweated from jogging on a treadmill was a surprise. Cut to this year and I was working out 4 to 7 hours a week and had been for a couple of years, because I enjoyed it. And, I needed the endorphins and to rock out to music.

Yeah, I am worried about even maintaining my weight since I can't keep up the 4 to 7 hours and intensity anymore. So my 'Best Life' would also be not to gain any weight, to one day lose just a little more weight, and to keep this body going--movin' and a groovin'.

The blogland topics I mentioned earlier? Self care, self love, body acceptance, and other variations. Appreciating my body for what it has done and can still do is part of that. Some days it might be remembering to take a multivitamin or fishoil or to put lotion on my skin or floss my teeth. Another day is may mean icing my knees or stretching after a workout when I really want to watch another episode of Mad Men. Looking in the mirror and not seeing the flabby wings at my arms or the turkey gobble neck and just saying "thank you, doin' good, we're making it".

Losing something I had just regained shows me the way to define my Best Life.

Beauty Salon Moments

2011-08-14T18:39:00.008-04:00

I usually have my sister cut and color my hair when I visit her in Alabama, but it's been a while and my hair was getting heavy and long. Mid back kind of long, so I made an appointment at the closest salon to my house. When I arrived, they suggested I go in to the bathroom to take off my top and put on a robe to keep my clothes clean and dry. This used to be a moment of fear and disappointment for me because I was always too big for the robes that these salons have. But I told myself , 'just see' . Took off my top and hung it up next to the other top that was hung there . Picked out a nice dark blue robe and there was that moment of "will it fit?"
It fit fine with room to spare..yea!

I get relaxed and sleepy while my hair gets done, so that is always nice. I hear about the new fashion thing with feathers and beads woven in the hair and I'm thinking..Bo Derek? The movie "10"? Then I hear about the little old lady that comes in twice a week that has Alzheimer's who stripped naked while under the dryer last week. OMG. Then, I head back to change back in to my top and ..wait..where's my top?. Absconded! Yep, someone took my Walmart purple Just my Size shirt. How weird? The salon folks figured out who it might be since she had just changed . A 20 something young women who apparently is extremely embarrassed. I was squired away and oohed and ahhed about the shampoos so as not to embarrass her as she goes in the bathroom to take my top off. Turns out she had taken off her shirt, put on my shirt, and then put on the gown. Weird. What was she thinking? And now my little story will be a story told at the beauty salon another time.

Hair cut goes well and I'm less about 4 inches and she's blown it out straight which is cool since my hair is naturally curly and wavy. It stayed nice and straight until I took a shower and then Womp! Curls!...something like the scene in the movie "The Help".......which reminds me,

My friend and I had lunch at Paneras-a cup of lemon chicken orzo soup at 130 calories was wonderful and a half a turkey bacon sammi on tomato basil bread. I heart Paneras. No baked goods. Then to the movie "The Help" and I enjoyed it. I was born in 1962 and lived in Alabama which is the time period and probably identical visually to the location of the movie. I haven't read the book, but I enjoyed the movie. Yet it also , as do many things, made my heart sad and angry and brought up a lot of memories. Now I'm not sure I can read the book. What was very familiar to me, was alien to my friend who is from Ohio so that sparked some good conversations over Froyo. I don't feel old (except my knees), but when I remember things from my childhood it seems like I'm ancient.

Other than all that, this is something of a eh' weekend, but at least I wasn't 'working for the man'. We are on Flea patrol in this household and are taking multiple measures against the buggers. I'm about to vacuum the carpet again.

My ortho appointment is tomorrow. Scared, glad, arggghh..Also,I feel like I have to prepare my little speech for the doc. Ready to get back to my usual life now, please. My knees are hurting pretty bad and walking has been a cautious adventure. This is craziness. I could run and Zumba and do whatever with little to no pain just a few weeks ago. My worrying mind starts projecting bad things when I let it. sigh.

Food wise -things have been good, healthy, lots of fruit and veg and less processed foods. Until Saturday, when I had a sudden chicken biscuit obsession at 6 in the evening....I bombed with carb and fat at dinner (I was freaked out by my knees and seeing people using walkers and projecting.) Sunday -back on track and no biscuits.

Exercise wise: I walked from the parking lot to the movie theater and then afterward I had to be picked up at the door. Walked from the truck to church and back and then in to Publix for milk and a few things. Seriously. That's it. I will be doing some sitting down weight training later or tomorrow. When I was 345lbs I counted grocery store walking as exercise because it truly was for my body.

One day at a time

Thank Gawd it's Friday and Celeb Dream #30

2011-08-12T07:42:00.004-04:00

Yes, thank you , Lord it is almost the weekend, and I say that with complete sincerity. I hit the 40 hrs worked mark sometime yesterday and if I were not salaried I'd be dipping in to overtime today. I'm blessed I have a job, and only one job , and the job that I have.

I gave in and made an ortho appointment for Monday since I at least need directions and maybe some meds and therapy so I can resume an active exercising life again. I've researched pools, and aqua classes sound great. I may have to do it, but the distance to the Ymca (and swimsuit deal) have always held me up. The fact that my body requires a certain calorie burn not to GAIN weight is a factor here of concern. AND , They have Aqua Zumba!

Well , time to pour the first cup of joe, wash some cherries , and decide on the rest of my breakfast and get to work.

Celeb Dream #30 AND Going to Paris Dream combined...I kid you not. this was a good one. Celebs for this included James Franco and Ryan Reynolds and the actor that plays Eric on True Blood . After being worried that I had my ticket and passport, I flew to Paris and had a lovely night at my hotel. After a few days my friend and I were to go on to some country estate for a few days to stay. It's Winter time and my hotel was due to be bombed and I happened to escape because I figured this out somehow. Espianoge. oooh.

I run in to a former friend, Ryan Reynolds, who with all of his gay friends (all the other guys)live in an apartment nearby and agree to give me a place to stay and clothes to wear because I ran out with only a beach towel and a nightgown and my money and purse. (I could only grab a few things before my hotel exploded). But, the hotel didn't explode and I felt very foolish. Everyone thinks I'm a loon (maybe they are on to something). I have a brief near sexy moment with Ryan R. when suddenly my hotel explodes. turns out Ryan and all his friends work for the CIA. People have renewed faith in me. There was a whole lotta other stuff and it's more detailed and weird and dream like. But I can not make this stuff up. My movie and tv and People Magazine / US magazine soaked brain concocts this stuff.

happy friday ya'll

Go Go, Gone

2011-08-10T21:50:00.008-04:00

Busy week at work. Long hard days with cramped hands and neck--computer work. So tired I took a nap at lunch yesterday and actually slept for 20 minutes. Some great and healthy meals and some just average this week. A couple of lapses in to eating out . One emotional snacky binge afternoon. I know clearly why it happened, I managed to get a grip on it and work through it and stop. I have to remind myself that it isn't the end of the world and it doesn't mean I'm a hopeless and total failure. One small glitch.

And other things. A Go Go's outdoor concert under a magical moon. As in the 1980's Go Go's. Something weird about 50+ to 60+ aged women wearing mini skirts, pigtails, and leather outfits. From where we sat, they could have been teenagers. Probably not so much on the front few rows. But, omigosh, they can rock and the music was awesome....their "non hits" are so much better than the pop hits. A little bit of tension on stage between the ladies--hard to imagine it's been 30+ years.

I, on the other hand, at 48 have been having knee / joint problems and after what little bit of dancing I HAD to do and climbing stairs to the parking lot, I could barely walk by the time we got home. Extra aleive, ice packs, and aspercreme and soaks in epsom salts. My knees gave out about halfway through Zumba Friday too. I'm going to baby them and wait to call the ortho doc as a last resort. I have to remind myself it's not the " the end of the world and it doesn't mean I'm hopeless and a total failure. One small glitch." Kinda hard to burn calories when you can barely walk.

So in other words trying not to get too bogged down in the failures and not worry that I'll never Zumba again. Plenty of good getting done most of the time. The Go Go's kinda inspired me, though they rendered me immobile for short time.

The dogs get flea baths and nails done on thursday. I'm just a wee bit closer to the blessed weekend. I think the movie The HELP starts this weekend. I come from a part of Alabama that is probably identical to the setting for this movie, so I'll probably see it. I've held out on reading the book until after I see the movie. I always have less disappointment that way.

Happy almost the end of the week

Going to Paris

2011-08-06T19:32:00.005-04:00

Not in the real world but in my dreams. My new recurring theme dream. Over and over and over. I'm always packing and trying to decide if I want to rent a car now or fly over with one !!( it is a dream folks). I'm obsessed with checking to be sure I remembered my passport and my ticket. And I'm going to Paris in the fall in cool to coldish weather, so I get to pack a few sweaters and knits. Last night I was planning to buy knit leggings and Pjs while in Paris. The reality is if I could spend a week in Paris I would spend most of my time walking along the Seine, people watching, sitting at cafes, eating bread and pastries and cheese and too rich food and drinking wine, and looking at art. Sounds good to me. Calorie free dreaming.

Lunch Lady No More and an update

2011-08-05T06:47:00.005-04:00

My stint of volunteering once a week to make 60 turkey /cheese 'sammiches' And help put together bag lunches is over--Last night wrapped it up. The kids go back to school on Monday and the school system will provide the lunches now. I'll miss volunteering and being a (distant) part of those little lives. Though, I'm glad not to have my hands in a bag of turkey and trying to count up, for the third time, how many sandwiches we'd made.

But I will be buying and donating some school supplies this weekend also. Volunteering, supporting the local food bank, and just thinking and praying for others is good- good to be helping others and less focused on myself.

I got an invite to see the movie "The Planet of The Apes" this weekend. The original movie came out and was big when I was a little kid and then the tv show came along. I've had many a nightmare about those Apes. But the previews of this movie both scare me and give me the same feeling I get when those animal humane society commercials come on. Those sad little doggie eyes. I can never watch. I'm gonna skip the movie. I really need to go test drive some more cars--The Honda is about ready to give up.

My weekend contains driving, NO binges, probably some fro yo, probably the farmer's market and other healthy foods, and some exercises. A long stretching session and a walk are on the agenda. And a little Zumba.

food and weight loss wise I weighed yesterday and plan to only weigh again one more time in August. I'm happy to say that this week and last , I've been back on track with less to almost no unconcious eating and no real binges at all. My weight is up a little but I think if I can keep up what I''m doing and increase my cardio that I'll feel my shorts get looser. At this point, I have about 40 lbs to lose to be at my goal weight.

However, We ate out last night at a family-owned home cooking place and this place and the people and food make me happy. But it's a once in a while thing only. I 'm getting about 3 meals total out of the portions / leftovers. Other than that little lapse in to 'southern country' cooking, I've been focusing on whole foods and lots of fruits and Veg. I've been noticing how processed foods (even healthier ones) make me crave things and want to just keep eating, persuasion to unconcious eating. Less processed foods then. (After I finish up this box of Fiber one brownies)

Simple Spice

2011-08-03T15:05:00.005-04:00

borrowed from google images.

Cinnamon is my #1 favorite spice. Always and forever.
Just bought some new Saigon Cinnamon ..sigh.

Snack: cottage cheese, fresh blueberries and cherries, cinnamon, Kashi Heart to Heart Warm cinnamon oat cereal and a sheet of Cinnamon Graham crackers crumbled on top.

happy

photo from google from , I think, a cherry website

yummier snack for maybe later: Breyers Vanilla carb smart ice milk , cinnamon, cherries

Simple. Doesn't take a lot. Just, focus and taste and eat mindfully

Hello August ...celeb dream #29

2011-08-01T07:38:00.005-04:00

Sunday ended up being a great date day with the hubby--we went to the movies Captain America had a romantic /nostalgic/vintage WWII feel and fun. Both hubby and I enjoyed it. Then a classic burger lunch/dinner at Red Robins-- burgers/sweet potato fries (I eat half and took home half), and fro yo. Sunday night--laundry, changed the linens on the bed, walked the dogs, True Blood. In all, not a bad weekend food wise (meaning no major binge) but not the lowest choices of calories. Hubby says my tush is getting rounder and that means tightening up calorie control. He says when I was at my lowest a couple of months ago that my bum had bones jutting out. How can that be at over 200lbs? One day at a time. All the pain from yesterday , magically gone-just a memory.

August--hot. HAWT!. Temps in high 90's and 100 predicted for this week.

I'm pining for fall already. We broke out a new bottle of pumpkin spice Bath and body works soap.

Celeb dream #29..just had this one a few hours ago. I'm a nurse working in the hospital and the actors John Corbett ( Aiden from Sex and the City ) and Jake Gyllanhaal are doctors that I work with and get along with great. Jake came up behind me and gave me a big bear hug from behind and I couldn't reach him to see for sure who it was. In reality, my cat was sleeping on my back and I couldn't reach him to pull him off me. Also, in reality, my husband is a slightly older and heavier version of Jake G.(and less hair) in this photo..no lie.

Gratitude today for my sweet husband, dreams, simple things, ceiling fans.

Road Hard Put Up Wet With George Clooney, Sookie Stackhouse, and Madmen...and .Celeb dreams #26-28

2011-07-31T13:44:00.006-04:00

George looks good 'Embracing the Gray'

Not a lot going on because my behind is wedged in to the sofa with a cup of strong coffee at my side. We are talking about going out to see Captain America or at least to get some froyo. I'm hurting too bad to go to Zumba. Maybe back to bed. OY!

Food was not spectacular yesterday. Actually , it was till about 4 ish. I got the warm fuzzy and ate a big bowl of cereal..actually 2 small bowls. Last night after a short spin through Walmart and the Taco Bell drive thru, we watched The American movie with George Clooney..kind of a European hit man movie. George barely cracked a smile through the whole thing..I felt so bad for him. "George, hey, buddy, it's not so bad..Take some Prozac or at least St John's Wort." Not the best movie for my mood. Not the best for his career. Not the best for his character either.

Book wise, I 've re-read all of the Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) books in the last 2 weeks except the last 2 which I just bought and downloaded to Kindle. I watch the show and I'm reading the books. I can visualize the actors from the show so well in to their book counterparts that it's hard to separate what was on the show versus what I'm reading. Scary.

Woke up today feeling ROAD HARD AND PUT UP WET..except I wasn't. I think I took my Zyrtec too late and now I'm hung over and with a bursitis thing going on from head to toe. Heating pad, coffee, 2 Aleive, things are starting to become less fuzzy.

I will do self care today. I just don't know what. Yet.

*****Dreams*******
I'm on a roll. These have nothing or very little to do with health or weight loss. But not everyone dreams like this , so thought I'd share. For funs.

Every night another celeb..these are just flash in the pan dreams that have no rhyme or reason...maybe I'd read in a magazine about them or had seen a segment on tv that day and then by night a whole inner mini movie develops...I'm a vivid dreamer and also somewhat lucid in that I'm actually aware I'm dreaming and thinking about what I'm dreaming ..weird but some of you know what I mean. Anyway , I like keeping a record /count of them going since this is whackadoo.

#26 (I saw bits of the trailer for the Oprah show about her season finale and there were bits of Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks in the preview)

Crazy dream about a documentary being filmed about Tom Cruise while he is filming a movie and also undergoing investigation for some kind of child abuse issue. Tom Hanks dropped by to lend Tom support. Tom and Katie, his wife, were very gullible and kept letting reporters in their house who were disguised as film crew or documentary makers who kept getting the scoop on the 'real' Tom and Katie. There was a lot about book cases and Ikea in this dream?

#27 (I read a blog comment that Jillian would be missed on Biggest Loser and Anna Kournikova would be no substitute). (I also dream about NYC a good deal)

Dream is that I'm working in a NYC advertising firm and I happen to be friends and a tennis partner for Anna K. I show up to work in my tennis clothes because of an early morning game. I have to tell my boss I forgot to pack my dress clothes and I live too far from work to go back and change. Boss gives me a lot of grief and thinks I'm lying. Anna pops in to remind me about our next planned game. (IF only real life worked like that, right?)

My boss allows me to take an hour to go shopping. Now we are in a MAD MEN style firm and I go up to a group of secretary's who are all dressed retro and smoking to ask for where to go fast for the proper clothing. Marisa Tomei wearing a powder blue (Jackie O) suit, and gloves and with a great Brooklyn accent and smoking the whole time tells me where to go. Very Mad Menish. I ask if I just tell the cab driver if he'll be able to find it. She says "Shoo erh".. That was it.

#28 (no idea about the genesis of this one)

I'm trying to go up stairs (my old junior high school staircase) and my quad muscles in my thighs are so weak that I can't get my leg to lift. I'm backing up traffic on the stairs. I whine about how I really do exercise and recently ran a 3K. Sandra Bullock is standing at the top of the stairs saying "Really?!"....Damn, Getting judged by Sandy Bullock is no fun.

Again, I will do self care today..at some point.

My weekend...yours?

2011-07-30T10:50:00.003-04:00

This is what I posted on another site about this weekend.....

Last weekend--a girls weekend in the North carolina mountains-a trip to a casino( almost one $1000-doh), meals at a Paula Deen restaurant-yum, great coffee and chocolate at the coolest coffee shop I've been to in years in the middle of tourist kitsch but still the coolest, and a river tubing trip of a lifetime.

This weekend-well...catch up on my dvr recordings, go to the gym, clean the kitchen-eh maybe, gotta clean something.

kind of bipolar weekends , ya know?

yeah

blogger ticks me off sometimes --still, it's a good day

2011-07-28T11:59:00.006-04:00

I wrote two good comments on a couple of blogs and signed my name on them because blogger said I was anonymous and then the darn things didn't post after all. At least I don't think they did...pooh!

Lunch break here--combo of green peas, mushroom ravioli, and half a small can Chef boyarde ravioli..the peas and mushroom ravioli were leftovers from a meal from my husband and came in a cream sauce..The Chef boyarde just pulled it all together .
also spinach salad and greek vinaigrette ..yum yum. Maybe a strawberry fiber one yogurt for dessert to hold me through a few more hours of work.

I don't often share my food because I sometimes get triggered by other blogger's posts about it. But this was healthy and I'm trying to claw my way out of the bucket of bad food habits ( not bad food , just bad habits). Got to recognize the good stuff.

gratitude today : no ants in my coffee, walking the dogs in the shade this morning --once the sun came out-that was all she wrote for that walk, and wisdom in blog world.

Self esteem through weightloss--duh--SHUT UP! critical inner voice

2011-07-27T09:33:00.008-04:00

photo from internet of Ramona Flowers from "Scott Pilgrim"..I like the hair.

Self esteem through weightloss. Well, sure, duh!. Well, but not exactly either.

This has been a year of real swings in direction for me and I'm trying to figure it out. I truly did a restrictive diet to get down to my lowest weight 210 this spring, I ran and won a 3K and actually ran most of it, and I bought a swimsuit in a size 18. Being fit and having accomplished that felt great. Felt wonderful. But I'm not quite there right now.

Probably that size 18 would freak out the skinnier folk but that's down from a size 32. It's a triumph for me. And it looks good. And last weekend I wore it floating down a river and riding mini rapids on an inner tube in North Carolina and didn't care.

Then there were times that I've swung in a completely different direction. Regaining weight, having binges, eating unconsciously. Trying to grasp what I should do. Some of this goes along with the restricting. Some of this goes along with experiencing anxiety and fear at depths I hadn't before. Some of it is feeling the guilt and shame and regret of being a food addict and being obese.

When I'm Not eating over it + feeling it = I'm miserable and then I found myself eating over it and feeling miserable over that.

I've got this inner critical voice that knows how to beat me with a hammer. Guilt. shame. Regret. Packs a wallop that one. I'm trying to figure out that critical side of me because it knows the path to my kitchen and every drive thru better than anyone else. The picture above is from my current favorite movie "Scott Pilgrim". I'm thinking of taking that stance and hammer to that inner critic voice and beating the heck out of it. But maybe it's more about love and acceptance. This is probably a huge thing for me to recognize and deal with now.

Another way is just figuring out what works for me. Working on that. It isn't restrictive dieting . It isn't intuitive eating. It isn't Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem or Whatever. It might be one of those things as a tool or parts of one of those things. But not those things totally. I lost the big weight numbers figuring out and trying different things because some of the things I did quit working along the way. Just remembering that yesterday has helped.

Next is exercise. Every year or so I go through a spell where I'm sick or having some kind of issue and can't exercise like I normally do. That's been how it is for me for the last couple of weeks. My river tubing experience last weekend was mindblowing, figuratively speaking , for me and to my body. For my psyche it was a jumpstart. I'm starting back despite the aches and pains and pushing through it. Yesterday, I felt out of breath doing something physical. Joints are hurting and old pains. It was a little glimpse of how it felt to be 300+ pounds.

For me, going to the gym and phsycial exercise gives me tremendous self esteem and joy and is release for pent up anger and fear. I listen to very loud music of all kinds that I only have downloaded to my mp3 players so it's an extra treat to get to the gym to listen to it. It is practicing discipline for me. It's being ok with my body to do this in front of people. It's feeling sweat for the first time several years ago and every time I feel sweat I know I'm working hard enough.

When I was fat and eating uncontrollably I didn't want to get hot and sweaty. Well darn it..We have to to that. That's body maintenance. So sweat is good. Makes a cold shower and a cold glass of water even better.

Ok, Self esteem through weightloss. Maybe. Self esteem through caring for my home, my animals, my husband, my body. Self esteem through being a good worker , coworker, church member, contributer-yep. Self esteem through hearing that critical voice and telling it "ok , I hear you. What's your deal here? Let's turn this in to love and caring. Don't be so harsh. Don't eat over it. Don't eat to ignore it. Just breathe. Just start and go from here. Be present. "

Self esteem through taking care of myself in every way, definitely.

Ants in my coffee

2011-07-25T07:52:00.003-04:00

*photo from the internets..someone's not mine.

No joke. Stumbled out of bed and went in to the kitchen.
Started to prepare my coffee maker for the first day's fix of java.
Noticed what looked like coffeegrounds in the water chamber thingeee.
coffee grounds that move.
ants.
EWH! shiver...EWH!
Run to tell my husband (non java man)--"you came in here when I'm half asleep to tell me this? what do you want me to do?"
That coffeemaker is 10 years old.
Personally, I'd say chuck it. It's like having ants on your toothbrush.
What would you do?

I had a fun weekend in the mountains. Food wise--hmmmm.. food wise : I will just say --Paula deen restaurant and Fudge places. I had to sleep most of yesterday to recover. Still not recovered yet. I had weird celebrity dreams with Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks. Very strange. Probably not going to try to post that one. Exercise on the weekend..a whole bunch. Many bruises but a story to tell about my first river tubing experience. LATEZ!

Celebrity Dream #25 Harry Connick Jr to the Rescue!

2011-07-21T15:20:00.013-04:00

I feel good today . This is the best I've felt physically all week. I don't know if's just my attitude and spirits are lifted because I'm going on an impromptu girls weekend to the North Carolina mountains or if whatever that was giving me so much boob and joint pain is getting better. Maybe it was the peanut butter and raisin sandwich I had last night.

All I know is " I feel good". And, I leave on Friday after work for a weekend ahead of me with kitschy mountain themes, a casino, shopping, a Paula Deen restaurant , pool time and a float down a river in an inner tube.

Got on the scale ( named 'damn scale') and rolled my eyes at the number and just said to myself "this too will pass and I'll start seeing lower numbers again ". All I want is to be healthy and feel good. A relatively pain free day makes that quite obvious to me.

DREAMS

I've posted that I have very vivid and detailed dreams and have a multitude of repeating themes, places, and situations. I also dream about celebrities and the characters they play. No idea why. Just do. Here's a short version and there is a whole lot left out in order to have this be a somewhat linear story to tell.

It has been a very long time since I had a good celebrity dream. And this one was fun. It's funny as I look back on some of the themes of the dream and where their genesis came from .
-- The Mp3 player--I lost one and then got a new one and then found the old one and now I can't get the computer to quickly load my songs. My Mp3 player is sitting on the desk next to me.
-- Silver SUV--I test drove one a week ago and I don't want an suv but they sure look nice.
-- Harry Connick Jr -I saw a listing for a PBS special for him and I didn't recognize any of the songs. But he sure looks (sounds ) nice.

In the dream I'm working with an old coworker who I have bad feelings toward in real life because she kind of stabbed me in the back. So that I'm' working with her even in a dream is a tense situation (that I'm aware of even in the dream.) For some reason , we are trying to get a VIP client to go to the doctor as we are concerned she may have eaten an MP3 Player. (not as far -fetched as you might think)

Cut to HARRY who is the head of a plumbing crew in the building. When I asked, he talked his crew in to really pulling up the tiles and the plumbing to see if they could find the mp3 player. He sweet talked them in his NAWLINS drawl and he called me sugar "shoogah" when they found it. Success.

So I left the building and couldn't find the beyatch coworker's shiny silver suv but somehow knew she was taking the VIP patient to the doc and would pick me up later . She meant for me to hang out along the street. All day long. I had the proof about the Mp3 player, but she couldn't wait! I don't have her phone number in my cell because, well, I erased it a long time ago, in reality. So I spend the day hanging out at a park near a college campus that is along the road where I'm to be waiting.

Just waiting. And rearranging my purse and my briefcase. People watching. All the girls look like Kate Middelton for some reason.

After some hours I'm getting bored / irritated, but then along walks Harry and he's whistling. Turns out he is a plumber by day , law student by night, he doesn't mention his singing career or his beautiful wife and family . After I tell him the situation , he suggests we go to a corner pub and have a drink and he'll text the beyatch coworker where I'll be when she is ready to pick me up. (don't know how he knew how to text her). But he wanted to make her jealous for mistreating me and he was all close and chummy after that.

Alas, the dream ends here.
But it was a good feeling kind of dream and maybe that set me up for the day .
yeah!

The Food Addict and the Firemen

2011-07-19T17:36:00.009-04:00

Currently I'm in between knowing what to do, knowing what's right for me in the food / health / diet / weight loss scheme of things. I'm working on it. I've reinvented myself in this game many times in the last 3-4 years since I hit my topper weight of 345 and started seriously working my way down.

Pj gets close to goal weight and freaks out and now I don't know what to do.

Things I know:
-- gastric bypass or any variation of -not for me
-- loves food-yes
-- lifelong history of abusing food --yes
-- emotional eater and an unconscious eater with no emotions whatsoever--yes, yes.
-- I like exercise and feel empowered , stress relieved, good afterward.
-- Even though I'm reading and working towards intuitive eating. I'm not eating intuitively most of the time, so my shorts are tight and I don't want to get on the scale. Working on it.

Cut to just a short example of the Barrage of commercials and food cues that we get assaulted with daily. Just a reminder to me of the little things that I do that is , I think, on the right track.

So I listen to the radio while I'm working some of the time and when I'm in the car ( ancient car with cassette player still). I hear this Firehouse Subs commercial for their Turkey Bacon Ranch Sub everyday like at least 5 times. It seems like this company focuses on a particular sandwich for a while and that's all you hear about.
But they were started by Firemen and I'm all about Firemen, so it sounds like a place I would want to go to.

Sometimes I turn down the volume and skip that commercial. Today, I was busy and the radio was playing and I heard it like a dozen times till I shut the radio off completely. Then I thought what the heck? Let's check out the website because I want to know the nutritional content and where the closest Firehouse sub place is.

Nutrition copied from website.
Large turkey Bacon Ranch Sub (on wheat)-- calories 1380 , fat 18 gm , sodium 3780
Medium cal 840, fat 12 gm, sodium 2330

Just for fun, I checked on the tuna salad sub medium with no mayo and cheese 700 calories..

This is bad news. That's all it takes for me to say a big N-O. If I want this combo of sandwich fixings I'll fix it myself.
Even though I beat up on myself for a lot of things, I think I got this right.

Self care today: I've got a lot of aches and pains and it freaks me out. And I'm a nurse which makes it too scary because I know toooooo much. boob, butt, legs hurt and burn. fun. going to the gym and just walk, I said W A L K on the treadmill and then maybe bike a little. I've not been to the gym since last week because of all the pains and stuff. Is the pain because of not going to gym or is the pain pain or is it all in my head? We shall see.

How Low Can You Go! How Low-oh-oh.

2011-07-16T23:50:00.005-04:00

--One of the fun songs that we grind to at Zumba

--What happens when you freak out over the diet mentality and then freak out without the diet mentality.

--Shorts tighter, Scale number climbing, Unconscious eating ..and eating...and eating.....Empty , meaningless, mindless, non-intuitive eating.

--a number on the scale, a dress size.

--aches and pains. a pill for this problem. a pill for that problem. and a pill for taking the other pills. just like the old, old 345 pound days.

--It gets pretty damn low. Then you feel like you hit the bottom of the pool and push back up. "Ok, I'll start over on Monday. THAT way I can have x____________ or x__________ , and x________ and x_______ AND THEN...T H E N start over on Monday.

--Low, No, a hundred times NO

--but what?

--Do some self care:
Having menopause time hot flashes? So strip to bra and panties and clean the kitchen while sipping a cocktail of Trader Joes light pink lemonade and Skinny Girl Margarita and ice water for refreshments.

Do about 6 loads of laundry.
Do 2 loads of dishes.
Sweep.
Get dressed and walk the dogs.
Put Anti -dust mite pillowcases on the pillows.
Give Angel, the dog a bath. Laugh.
Shower and wash hair.
Sort laundry.
Eat a healthy dinner.
Eat a not as healthy dessert but not bad of carb smart vanilla frozen yogurt and a Vitamuffin.
Mix up some overnight custard oats and blueberries for breakfast.
Happen upon the Sex and The City marathon on the E network. Oh boy, the episode where Carrie models underwear and trips on her high heels and falls on her arse. Stupid E network cut out the scene where she twirls on the cat walk. Also, funny to watch as Carrie and others smoke in the restaurants and clubs..the old days. Charlotte and Trey and their sex problems. Samantha's short Lesbian phase.

So much better than the movies.

Time for book in the bed --clean sheets, clean pillowcases, clean pjs, clean dogs.

Not low

Warning: spell check was run and I said eff it to spell check and hit post.

2011-07-14T19:14:00.008-04:00

the guy in the chair is why I watch True Blood..

I'm feeling kinda yucko. Peassed off...my shorts feel too tight and they probably are. But that's another story..still working on figuring out that one. I thought if I posted a little I would deflate a little and then not dive in to the kitchen..nom nom nom nom

The day starts with a bad dream where my dog went missing and then was most likely "processed" as in 'gone gone' at a local humane society kill shelter kind of place. It was a nightmare.

Work: I knew by 8:20 am at work when my boss kept asking me about this and that and then said "call me" to see why I can't do something this way versus that way that it was gonna be a hard day.

It was a hard day.
food isn't an issue when you are so busy and feeling so behind the 8 ball.

It ended in a flourish and hopefully I saved the day for someone in the end and my transgressions will be overlooked.

And then I had couples therapy with my hubby , which I was late for. Errr....
but it went ok...we luvs each other.

And then a nice chat a church with the folks that make samwiches for the school kids even though the samwiches got made earlier today .

Then, food became an issue..the saviour I wanted. something to think about so I don't have to feel.

I'm thinking cookies, I'm thinkin Captain D's fried food crapola, I'm thinking Pizza, I'm thinking I just want to settle down with a nice episode of True Blood and let my brain (and emotions) congeal.

Bought a small portion of gluten free cookies thinking they will taste like crap , so I won't want them. WRONG!...got a turkey pepperoni pizza at the health food store where I got the expensive crap tasting cookies. Udi's chocolate chip which are excellent, unfortunately. Had 1.

I just thought up a whole buncha nice stuff to do so I can let the anxiety go..that chest pain kindsa arghhh feeling that is all stress .....gonna walk the dogs, feed the dogs, take a shower , put on my ralph lauren looking floral pjs, listen to music, then decide what I want for dinner and then maybe have either a cookie or a healthy choice mocha ice cream bar and very possibly both but that's all

..and that's it..not using food..at some point the hubby will come home and we will laugh about the mirror technique we practised in therapy .

not using food.....breathe breathe

Calling all cars and ice cream trucks ( a little bit about a lotta stuff)

2011-07-11T16:54:00.013-04:00

Nissan Cube--Kinda cool , Kinda weird

3rd day of a 4 day weekend.
Tomorrow--I see the DENTIST--Dr. Pam--laughing gas a must.

But today, Allergist appointment. Lotsa shots.
I am "dramatically" allergic to dust mites and mildly allergic to cats and then dogs and then dust in that order. Not giving up my babies , so gonna deal with the dust mites. Not sure about taking long term monthly allergy shots. But I'm going to work on environment and take the meds suggested. Anti-histamines tonight!

I started test driving cars today. My teenage Honda Accord is on Hospice. I don't want to give her up. Blue book says she's worth nothing, but I think she is. I'm tired of renting cars to go out of town and tired of being afraid I'll breakdown if I go 60 mph. I'm going to have to buy 'sumpthin'. Better to buy a car now proactively than to wait till I'm stranded and have to be towed ( that's what happened with the last car). I don't want to spend a lot of money because I also need new flooring and siding for my twentysomething year old house that is worth less than we owe on it. I'll probably have to buy these things in the next year or so. OY!

Saw Tom Hangs (Hanks! yes I did write Hangs) in Larry Crowne today. Cute. (maybe I should get a scooter like in the movie.) Now I'm in the mood to see Forrest Gump again .

Ate too many carbs today. I'm naturally not so talkative with folk face to face is my guess on the lowering of the shields that led to eating carbs. Will balance that out with some veggies and protein later on. For now, I just fast forwarded through the last 2 episodes of Grey's Anatomy and decided to delete the other 7 episodes off the DVR. Just not in to it this year.

So, back to the cars. Many of you drive them.
Even if you never post, please take the time to comment if you have experience with any of these. I trust you people. Even though I don't really know you .
What do yo know about any of these? Any thoughts?

I started with Nissan.
I test drove a Nissan Versa and a Nissan Rogue.
Then, I did not intend to but test drove the Nissan Cube.

I liked the Cube. I really liked it. But it's weird. It's an ice cream truck.

Still for consideration and not test driven yet : The Honda Fit, The Toyota Matrix, Hyunadi Accent hatchback and Ford Focus. I'm tired of Sedans. I'm confused now. I like the Kia Soul's looks but we rented one and it was underwhelming.

Any thoughts?

Soon to go to Walmart to buy dust mite covers for pillows and stuff.

Is it just me? Is the dust mite shaped a bit like the Nissan Cube?

A lil bit of self care....

2011-07-10T22:47:00.010-04:00

Self care. Body Mind Spirit kind of stuff. When I'm taking care of myself I don't need to turn to food. The inner food addict doesn't have to pout or stomp her feet or stare with her nose pressed to the bakery case feeling deprived. Which doesn't mean I'm over indulging or just eating twigs and berries either.

A big part of self care is hushing up that inner critic and not allowing her to bitch at me. Last week, I found myself listening to that inner critic. I was feeling like an outsider and feeling " less than' and beating up on myself when something in me said "Why?" Why are you doing this?"..."Whoa!" .... "Stop it!..stop beating up on yourself" "What is all that about?"

There was a part of me that was relieved to have someone stand up for me. Wait. That was me that stood up for me. Hunh!

So I wanted to blog about it at a bit. I do this on occasion and it's been a while.

---For the last few weeks, once a week, I've made a veggie/ egg/ lowfat cheese crustless quiche kind of breakfast casserole and baked a high fiber-whole oats muffin or bread that involves fresh blueberries of other fruits, nuts or flaxseeds, and cinnamon. Very simple. Not processed. It feels good to allow myself to bake which has the potential to get out of hand. I try to get my husband to eat it but he's in to cocoa krispies right now. So 2 casserole dishes baked at the same time and I've got breakfast and sometimes snacks for several days. Easy peasy. I've had no binges on the baked goods and it feels good to know that and to be able to say it.

---Rather than quick showers though there were some of those too, I took a long bath both Sat and Sun. Sunday was more of a mineral soak with about a half a pound of epsom salts and lavendar for the sore, aching muscles and joints. Heal body heal.

--The sore and aching muscles were the results of putting everything in to my 2 Zumba classes this weekend. Quality over quantity. Total fun and spirit filling. And had another gym visit where I did stretching and biking and running, but that was too much. The joints are screaming. So, I'm not perfect after all.

---read a little bit of Martha Beck's "The Joy Diet" and then a little meditation
I could do with a bit more meditation.

---sat in the shade under the oak trees with the dogs until some pesky ants drove me away

---I chose to eat a veggie burrito for lunch Saturday before leaving the house versus getting out there in the world and being tempted to eat whatever. I'd toyed with the idea of eating at this place or the other, but the burrito hit the spot.
Plus, I wanted to go to one of the new frozen yogurt places.

---I had the yogurt, sampled little teaspoons of several flavors (red velvet cake, praline, reeses peanutbutter). Then ate vanilla with raspberries and strawberries and a teaspoon or so each of caramel and chocolate and chocolate chips. Ate it mindfully and happily in a cool, dark cave like place in a comfy chair and had a little chat with another customer

---I spent some time at Barnes and Nobles reading magazines and books and sipping
iced coffee and nibbled on a raspberry scone. Took some home and then forgot about it. (I used a gift card and purchased a book and a little vintage -like memo pad.) Love shopping with gift cards.

--Drank Lots of water, more Coke Zero than I should have had, and sleep. Plenty of sleep in my pjs.

All the bases covered.

Emotion potion

2011-07-08T07:38:00.005-04:00

**someone's photo found off google
Still itchey but not as bad. Still sinusey but not as bad. It's been 6 days since my last anti-histamine.

I had therapy yesterday. I hate saying breakthrough but sometimes "WOMP" you get hit on the head and realize some stuff. Then the Universe / God decides to flick at you a bit to make sure the lesson was learned.

Bottom line--fear. I've stuffed it down for years. In fact, fear is one of the things that litters my memories of my teenage years due to having more responsibility and challenges to deal with than a teenager should. And connecting some of that to some of what's going on with me now is enlightening. I have a long road ahead to learn to experience and process this fear and all the other emotions that I don't like to deal with ( except with oreos).

After therapy to the church to make ''samwiches' and lunches for the school lunches for kids not in school this summer'. Then to the gym to workout for the first time this week. Too sick before. I read an article about the tornado's in Tuscaloosa in Sports Illustrated and started crying at the gym on the bike. The photos look just like the ones I'd taken the weekend I'd visited my sister. Football season can't come a minute sooner to this football-devoted area.

I love seeing rabbits and throw veggies and fruit in to my garden for the area rabbit to eat. As I drove to the gym I had seen one on the side of the woods near the gym and had thought about what rabbit symbolizes. In Native American lore which is something I've studied , rabbits symbolize fear and overcoming limiting beliefs. On the way out of the gym, I saw that that rabbit was hit by a car. I 'm so soft hearted and that made me sad. But made me wonder as well.

When I arrived home I thought about all the emotion I'd experienced just in the last 3 hours. Not normal for me. I talked with my husband--I tried to explain it. He just listened. I ate the dinner I planned to eat. We watched for the 5th or maybe 8th time the movie "Scott Pilgrim" which is funny and familiar and always makes makes me sing , laugh and say lines along with the actors.

The potion isn't food.

Gratitude: snuggling with the hubs on the sofa, rabbits, blog folks, coffee, therapy, "Scott Pilgrim"

Withdrawal--not a Jane Austen post

2011-07-06T12:10:00.005-04:00

How did they manage in those days?

Addicted to Food-yep.
Addicted to Benedryl/Claritin-probably. Ok yeah, dammit.

Food is of little interest when one is truly itchy.
Anti-histamines trump food addiction

Going through withdrawal here..ITCHING!
SINUS stuff..ears burning. head burning. eye lids itching? face and everything itching.
SCRATCH SCRATCH

ITCH ITCH ITCH ITCH

Just took a shower with Cetaphil cleanser and even washed my hair with it to try to wash the itchies away. So for the moment back in Pjs.

Pjs: my Jane Austen Pjs ( they look like something that they wear in the movie Sense and Sensibility ( hence photo)

Mid day post here. When I don't get comments on a post it makes me wonder if I seem too wigged out (yesterday's post). I'm not too wigged out. I'm finding my way and feeling feelings and itching a whole hella lot. Not having binges. Just hadn't figured all this stuff out yet. and the interesting thing is......

Food is of little interest when one is truly itchy.

Withdrawing from antihistamines here. Can't really confirm it's a real thing from internet searches. I was pretty sick yesterday . Very itchey today. I have to be anti-histamine free until Monday . Monday I see an allergist for the first time for multiple skin tests to see what all I'm truly allergic too. I'm sure I'm not going to like the results. Yes, the 2 dogs and cat have free reign of they house. Yes, we have carpet. We are messy. We use central air and window unit Acs and ceiling fans. These are just a few of the multi page questionnaire question I've got to fill out.

any hints from fellow allergy sufferers will be welcome.

A call to the allergist office--since I'm such a hard core user I get to take a Benedryl tonight..woooo hoooo.

itch .....scratch.......whine, Aunt flo is also sending telegrams of her imminent arrival...oy..May have to crack open the tequila or rum

sorry ...whineeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
aka the itchy bitchey pj geek

Mid year Update--sort of

2011-07-05T11:43:00.004-04:00

I accidentlally posted a post that I just meant to save and then saw I posted it , so I deleted it. Then I read Dietgirl's post so I'm going to repost some of it. I've been trying to write a post for a couple of days now , but didn't know what I wanted to say exactly .

Welcome second half of the Year!...My husband says "Oh we are finally working towards Christmas". We both prefer cooler weather and look forward to fall and the holidays. funny that we live in the hot , steamy south .

But back to reality, July 5 is the anniversary date for my losing 100lbs and this is the second year of maintaining a 120lb loss. And I need there to be a lifetime more of those anniversaries. I can't go back. But I can't go forward in the way that I got to that 100lb loss. I'm trying to forge a new path for myself that is a bit more balanced--this is more about everthing in life -family , relationships, household cleanliness and order, money, AND food. I got too obsessed with diet and numbers and goals and health and kind of lost sight of everything else. Regarding food: Not so black and white and not so many rules, but I'm a food addict and that doesn't get healed like a blister .

I'm reading several books now and trying to figure out what works for me. When you make mistakes and have set backs along the way, it's difficult to not throw up your hands and look for the next diet or the next right thing to do or call up Nutrisystem (which is on sale this week.) It's been 8 years since my last short romance with Weight Watchers. All the scenarios run through my mind...it's like getting a fix that is supposed to fix it all. It doesn't . It's me that has to work this through and the methods I choose are just tools.

So far in 2011 I started off the year in diet challenges, very focused on getting it done and losing this last bit of weight. Tired of being plateaued in the mid 220's. I did diet down to 210 my lowest weight since I was in high school. But, it was a blind trail on a hike that took a lot of effort and left me bruised and tired and hating the hike--scared to keep hiking and not sure I know how to do it. Really weary.

210 wasn't my goal weight (190 was) but I think I started experiencing what I read about when people reach goal weight and realize that your life doesn't suddenly change or seem different. And it isn't even that I expected it would be so different. I just know I suddenly had more eating disordered thinking and more body image concerns and more rigid rules to live by along with a lot of guilt and anxiety and self-judgment . I was experiencing binges like I hadn't in the last several years. What was I numbing and trying to cover up? I could only guess that being smaller was leading to this lapse in to my old eating disorder stuff.

Ok, maybe being smaller made me feel more vulnerable and brought up stuff from the past . I truly don't know. I think some of it is my body isn't what I thought it would be--the extra skin and flab. I didn't get off all the meds like they do on The Biggest Loser, but then the best thing for my health is to still be taking those meds . I still need to use a Cpap for sleep apnea even though I'm so much smaller. Sure you can wear smaller clothes and you don't feel like you stick out like a sore thumb, but it isn't the People magazine or Oprah show experience that you were expecting.

All of the black and white thinking-no eating after x time, 200 cal for the afternoon snack even though you are going to the gym and won't be able to function after 20 minutes because you don't have the energy. The damn number on the scale becomes so important you find yourself doing extra exercising and thinking about laxatives to get that number to come up on the scale by a certain date. You have trigger places that you want to visit and enjoy but you can't because you might lose control. You feel guilty for thinking or feeling certain things. It goes on and on .

And then when you try to break away from diet life and try intuitive eating or some other plan , you , (I) struggle with that too.

So I had a 3 day weekend and a good deal of it was spent cleaning because I need to be antihistamine free this week for an upcoming allergist appointment. I spent a lot of time reading books, blogs, journaling. My husband and I enjoyed some of our favorite foods. We both recognize we value health so the favorite food thing is ok when done sparingly. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm not jumping in to anything. But just wanted to share where I was.

And I had my physical last week and my labs are even better than ever. I'd pretty much stopped the diet mentality on May 20th. I'd started having binges every few days or so and started seeing a new eating disorder nutritionist around then which was around when I had a little panic attack. So I'd been eating "off traditional diet plans" for about a month when I had my physical. My blood sugar was great, fasting was 93. My Hgb a 1c was the best it ever has been 5.5 . My cholesterol is all perfect. The only issue I have is a little anemia and allergiy / sinus issues. The number on the scale was less than I had been the last time I went though not my lowest of 210. But the scale is creeping up. The scale had already creeped up in the last weeks of my "dieting" because I was eating out of emotions and having unconcious eating and uncontrolled eating. I'm just hanging in that same range. So I don't see trying intuitive eating as being the reason the scale climbs..it's all of the above.

Just wanted to put it out there. We recognize the end of the year and the beginning of the year with goals and resolutions. So here MID YEAR is mine.
"Ditching the diet mentality" but finding a structure of some support while eating along the lines of intuitive eating is what I'm aiming for. Being healthy , being a little smaller than I am but I have no weight set..maybe around 200 or just below and I 'm setting no time line.

Happy MID YEAR!

Flotsam and Tom Cruise ...........and Johnny Depp

2011-07-03T00:14:00.007-04:00

I have a certain weakness for Tom Cruise. A guilty pleasure weakness. I know he can be ridiculous. The weird Scientology stuff , the couch shenanigans on OPRAH over "KATE" Katie Holmes , and he divorced Nicole Kidman for Gawd's sake (I liked them in Far and Away together). Yeah, I've liked him since Risky Business and Top Gun.

He's short. I'm short. I worked with some one who stood next to him once and he was barely 5'5. (I stood in line for a movie when I lived in D. C. next to George Stephanopolis and he's barely 5'2). And I dreamed about Tom once, nothing sexual but in the dream we made a connection. Since then, I'm a somewhat reluctant fan.

Knight and Day has been playing on some sort of cable channel we have and I kept catching bits of it. Tom was looking pretty good, so I watched it today . You know Tom can actually act. And he's hot. And it wasn't such a bad movie. I liked it. But then I liked Johnny Depp in The Tourist , so maybe I'm hopeless. (or man crazy) I'm recording Vanilla Sky on the dvr right now. I've seen it before. I saw a scene of Tom when I set the recorder and he looked so young then. I liked the more mature Tom in Knight and Day better.

I dunno, he looks good here too.

I actually got a lot done today besides oogling Tom, and it makes me feel so accomplished. I cleaned in our bedroom and in the kitchen. I lined and reorganized some of the kitchen cabinets. Specifically, the tupperware / plastic/ cooking utensil area. That's been bothering me and things kept falling because it was
jam packed full. About 39 lids to about 10 containers. How does that happen? I have about a dozen Christmas mugs, so they now have their own top shelf.

Then I shifted piles, threw away junk, vacuumed and shelved books in the bedroom.
Here's the Flotsam part--some of the bits I found:

--$4.23 in change
--A birthday card from my mother to me on my 40th birthday-sweet
--my baby ring
--one green flip flop and one black flip flop--I'm screwed
--a picture of an old boyfriend, a picture of me when I was 30, pictures of my husband and I getting married on the beach
--about 5 inspiration books
--3 Christmas magazines, 2 Magazines with Johnny Depp on the cover, About 6 Real Simple magazines, 2 Country Living and 10 Preventions

-- books I kept -Eat, Pray , Love and DietGirl, and Bridget Jones Diary
--Several Nora Roberts book and others that I threw in the "DONATE" box
--the first month of diet sheets when I weighed 340 lbs back in 2007
--my last Weight Watchers Tracker circa 2002
--about 2 dozen hair thingees: scrunchies, barrettes, headbands
--2 canisters of dust and pet hair in the new vacuum cleaner canister
--a lot of other stuff including one box of magazines for good will, 2 boxes of books for good will, 1 box of clothes for good will, 1 big trashbag, more stuff to go through

I've got a lot of work to do still, but there is a dent in the pile and maybe the HOARDERS Tv show won't think I'm a good candidate now.

Bakerys to the left of me, Bakerys to the right..stuck in the middle again

2011-07-01T09:13:00.006-04:00

I just had that song flit through my sinsus-inflamed head and I can't remember what the real words are or who sings it, but it fits this post perfectly .

Pj here

Pjs for today: Ralph Lauren like-Floral and pin tucked granny gown --I will get dressed today because it is ZUMBA NIGHT!!! sinus pain or not.
coffee: finished 2 cups dunkin d. coffee I've switched over to cold H20 for a while. I may go get some iced coffee later today

I just knocked back some aleive --killer sinsus pressure and headache--I've got an allergist appointment ( my first ever --they are promising many skin tests in about a week and a half--I'm over this)

Have I moaned about all the bakery / coffee-bakery places that opened up near my house? First of all I already have a Dunkin Donuts and a Starbucks within exactly one mile. That's the Dunkin Donuts with mystical - singing - siren voices that waft through the air across the neighborhood and in to my brain. Should I choose to answer those sirens is always the question. Starbucks is not as much of a draw.

Baked Goods are my own personal Kryptonite. If a Paneras or Great Harvest Bread company opens up in my area , I'm doomed.

But a nice little bookstore / coffee shop / pool hall !!? opened up less than a block from my house. A nice shady bike ride away. This is the second one in that location. This would be the third coffee shop on that street in the last few years and all have failed previously. I went in last week and had an iced coffee and a piece of biscotti...home made biscotti that was more like a slightly dry muffin than what I'm used to. but a good dry muffin. The owners greeted me and patted me and thanked me for coming in. I had to help the guy behind the register figure out how to function...you had to be there.

I've had a sad feeling ever since I saw that people were putting money in to redoing this space once again for a coffee shop effort. But since I 've been told I have a gift for bringing in customers to stores ( seriously, it magically happens sometimes and I've been told this by NewAGEY folks), I'm gonna ride the bike up there on Saturday morning, get some coffee and biscotti and sit on the patio outside with my journal and see what I can do.TEE HEEE HEEE..I'll try anyway.

Ok, in the very same shopping center a cupcake place and a bakery 'cakery' opened and about a half mile down the road from there another bakery opened. This is a way-out-from the cool kids in Atlanta-in-the-boonies- middle to lower middle class suburbs where I reside. Houses stay on the market for a year and sell now well below what we paid for them. If this were hip Midtown or Decatur or upscale Buckhead or the side of town where music stars and sports players lived, I'd think they have a chance.

I'm avoiding the 3 bakery places. My special customer-drawing powers will only be granted to the place where people would think to mix a coffee shop-book store -and pool hall. My kinda people.

Snapshot of One Moment of Gratitude

2011-06-29T23:02:00.003-04:00

Gratitude today June 29 2011 1:26 pm.

Working. A dog at my feet asleep with her chin resting on my big toe. The kitty man asleep on my desk on top of a phone list that I need. David Bowie singing "Let's Dance" on the radio. Yes, David , LET"S! Sips of Diet A & W Root beer while I note the lessening of the itchy ears and throat that the Claritin brings me.

I worry that it's mold. It probably is mold. What will happen if it's mold? How much will it cost?

I don't want to blow that moment of gratitude and peace. My camera. I'll take a photo. Gratitude for the moment before the mold worry came. Fleeting.

Angel at my feet always

Unconscious Eating

2011-06-28T14:11:00.005-04:00

(someone off the internet's photo)

Unconscious eating. UE. EWE-female sheep.
The phrase of the day ?

I am very proficient in this form of eating. Distractions to use: TV, TV, TV, computer, books, magazine, work computer.
Staring out the window is also a favorite of mine.

distraction + eating = hmmmmmmmmm

let me think on this a bit.
Lots of food, lots of pounds, numbing effect, near coma like effect, automation, robotic behavior, habit, habit, comfort, habit, butt molded like shape of sofa.

That doesn't sound good.
Well, I might as well be a sheep.

STOP , I don't want to do this.

Easy peasy --stop eating with distractions. Stop eating in front of the tv. Stop eating while working. Stop eating unless you are mindful and aware and conscious and really looking at , tasting , experiencing the food.

Stomps feet and pouts--but I wanna watch tv. I wanna read my book. I wanna stare in to space. It's comforting . I've always done it that way. It's homey. It's what I do. It's what I enjoy. It's easy. It's comforting......whine.....

but it isn't working
gotta choose.
And at least this really hit home finally and all before 8:30 am .

Finding myself a wee bit through the OWN network.

2011-06-27T18:02:00.007-04:00

I guess I fit the OWN channel demographics perfectly because so far I'v really liked many of their documentary style shows. Liked might not be a strong enough expression here; More liked hooked and fascinated and even watched a few episodes more than once. I didn't plan on watching any of these. But I found myself relating to these people. ME? relating to a celebrity? not in a stalkerish way, but yea. I got a bachelors in nursing but minored in sociology , psychology, and English lit. In other words, I guess I'm nosy and like to see what makes people tick and how they live . But it all comes down to "Uh, if they are going through that , maybe I'll get through this."

I'm not a country music fan---but Shania Twain's show was more about dealing with grief and betrayal and learning to trust and how to have faith in yourself. Shania is also a little chatterbox and had a tough life as a kid. She sounds very off key and tentative as she struggles with her singing and then absolutely magical when it all comes together. This show is built around an uber roadtrip from Canada to the Southwest and the Bahamas show up too. Pretty scenery. I 'm a new fan and I really like a new song she is releasing which you hear about 30 times in the 6 episodes of the show.

Then the country music duo the Judds-Naomi and Wynonna, and I'm not a fan of their music either. Their show was more about communication , mother daughter relationships, and dealing with abuse issues and a real behind the scenes view of life on a concert tour. Also a scenic bus tour of the US with a therapist on tour along the way. hmmmm Their choice of hair color is amazingly vibrant. Wow. But I did pick up some communication tips and I have to say it has helped. New fan but not of the music. Definitely Folks I'd want to sit on the porch with and have a chat and sip iced tea.

Addicted to Food was just right for a viewpoint of Eating disordered treatment and it mirrored some of the issues I was dealing with at the time. I learned a lot about myself from that one. I think Miss Tenny who runs the ED rehab needs to write a book. More Texas scenery. Interesting bunch of just regular folks.

OWN is now showing two of these docu style shows. One is about Ryan and Tatum Oneal father daughter actors--recovering addicts, well I think Tatum is anyway. I've only seen one episode. Ryan lives in Malibu on the beach, so that is a slamdunk as far as interesting scenery. Dysfunction, recovery from addiction , communication, reconciliation, getting your life back on track. Continues the theme.

But so far the most painful is Finding Sarah about Sarah Ferguson -the Duchess of York as she goes through a journey of self discovery. She is trying to reclaim a sense of her self and a sustainable life and has most of Oprah's team (Dr. Phil and Suzy Orman and Martha Beck)along for guidance. If you are not aware she was involved in a scandal last year that had to do with taking bribes though her reasons don't jibe with the video that is out there. A major fall from grace. (And she had already fallen due to all the hullabaloo that led to her divorce from Prince Andrew years before).

Oh, Fergie. This is one of the most shattered people. She seems so frail and so off track and self-depreciating one minute. Then she's holding her own against Dr Phil and a snooty book editor. I feel really uncomfortable watching her because she sooooo doesn't get what people are telling her and then when she says she get's it ..ahhh? you are just not sure she really does. But then she handles something else with such openness and honesty and bravery. She walks around in unflattering shoes and clothes and she seems like just an ordinary girl. Probably why we all liked her when she was dating and then marrying Prince Andrew and being Weight Watchers spokes person. I have several of her books from the Weight Watcher's days. Prince Andrew sounds like he is truly a prince and really cares for her still. Gotta like Fergie and hope for the best for her. Scenery across the US and Great Britain make this a must see for me.

I'm wondering who is next. Can I handle any more of these? Good grief.

So 40ish, couch psychologist/sociologist here who likes to travel and take roadtrips. Hmmmmmm...Definitely Oprah's demographic.

Mr Darcy .Mr Darcy. Mr Darcy

2011-06-25T21:55:00.006-04:00

Sometimes the rule .."It's my blog and I'll post what I darn well want to.." comes in to play.

I just ran across the latest Pride and Prejudice film in rerun. sucked in yet again. Ahhhhh, Mr Darcy. I've seen it a good half dozen times already but the music, the clothes, Mr Darcy. Even silly Mr Collins. My husband rolls his eyes and at least likes Keira Knightly.

May need to re -read the book....... That would be even better.

Then this fine fellow as the original Mr Darcy. Now, a bit more royal in The King's Speech

...And they are making a film of this.....who will play Mr Darcy in this?

Attitude and Gratitude

2011-06-24T23:02:00.006-04:00

not the Sundance catalog but close..pretty close to my pjs tonight--but I love this look.

Pjs=== blue and pink flowery and lace ruffle with white ribbon. These fall in to the category of "Girly girl" and look like clothes from the Sundance Catalog. I ithink they are like 20yrs old though.
...coffee: none, nada. gotta sleep.

Seems to be a Friday thing I like to do a little summary for the week. I'm so full of gratitude that the darn work week is over. If I have to sit at that desk one more minute I'll go postal.

Attitude: tonight at Zumba our usual teacher was out and we had a sub. Not as challenging but still singing and dancing which gives me joy, joy One of the dancing folk in my area of the workout room was in a snit. She didn't like the music , didn't find it to be a physical challenge, and rudely just made a face and waked off the dance floor.

"Get a grip sista..change is inevitable and can be good for ya" is what I wanted to say , but I actually did say to her that I was enjoying the music and it's good to mix it up with different teachers now and then. And it was fun though not as challenging.

--Saw the doctor today , or actually saw the physican assistant because my doc only works part time and is harder to get in for an appointment. This was my physical. I shared about my weight loss and the return and escalation of old eating disorder behavior that hasn't plagued me in as much until recently. Months/ years of deprivation drove me over the edge on that one, and still trying to find my way back. The Ekg must have been good because she didn't have to call me back about it. The nursing assistant got the vein on my the first stick. My height was the same--I seem to be much shorter lately but apparently not. Wt-less than last time, more than when I ran the 3 K in April.

--Earlier this week I volunteered again to make lunches for the kiddies who would have no lunches since schools' out for summer. Now, I consider this a gift because I looked out the window of our church over towards the food bank housed on our property. A family was holding hands and praying over the trunk of food they had just received from the food bank. This wasn't just a little prayer, this was a silent, majestic prayer and they took their sweet time and were obviously truly thankful in the blessings of the gifts from the food bank. I prayed for them too, there on the spot.

--falling asleep at the computer now ..time for sleep, I say. hard to type with my eyes closed. Hard to open my eyes......g'night

I Surrender

2011-06-22T22:29:00.007-04:00

I surrender.
Won't try it again.
I give up.
Boxes of cereal are just not something I can handle .

For some reason there is one kind of Kashi cereal -Heart to Heart Warm Cinnamon Oat that isn't a problem . I can buy a box and keep it for more than a month just putting a quarter cup to a handful here or there over yogurt or cottage cheese. The crunchy -smooth combo is what I like.

But ANY other cereal-no. Cereal in milk. NO!...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo. Negatory. Big N-O. The sugar . The carbs. A cereal fog. I just totally forgot. I forget how easy it is to eat.

And I forget it was my first official binge food-the one I remember crawling out of a crib for to eat sitting on the floor and watching cartoons and The Three Stooges. I'm talking Old school cereal-- Sugar Pops, Raisin Bran, Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks. Now that is some sugar.

I tried Granola a couple of months ago and that was a no go. These days I even have issues with Fiber One and Special K. Tonight I forgot and was swayed by the "Buy one get one free" sales at Publix. It made perfect sense when I was walking down the aisle. Yea, Special K Cinnamon Pecan--(not that I believed it) but the darn box even has a weight loss and a body image exercise on the back of the box....Riight!

I gave it the soap treatment and tossed it. The other box is heading to the food bank tomorrow. I'm trying to make peace with some of the black and white food police thinking and behaviors, but certain standards remain.

No cereal in the house is a basic standard--hard and fast rule...forever more. This post is a reminder of that . Post. Hah! sneaky cereal people.

Zumba Warrior Princess!

2011-06-21T07:57:00.003-04:00

somebody's Xena photo copied from the internets**** Caliente!

Zumba Warrior Princess---I just like writing that**

Zumba makes me feel happy. I mean really happy. After an hour of booty shaking , grinding, disco dancing, jumping, shimmying, bumping, salsa-ing, skipping, merengue-ing, , doin the hustle, whatevering, -I'm sweaty, high on endorphins, smiling. Big smiles. I managed 2 1/2 classes last week. If they had zumba every day with different teachers I'd go because I've found that it's like an entirely , completely different thing based on the teacher you have. Ours is a cheerleader..she cheers us on ..we have fun..we are burning up. she is dripping wet with sweat when it's over. She's loving it therefore we love it.

And I love the music. I love singing. Some songs are in spanish and I sing what I think they are saying: "caliente! Da roof is on FI ARE!", "wiggle just a little mo".."rose rigu lalala" "Her so amig hersomigo"..?? I stand in the same area with the same people and just flat out apologized once, if I offended them with my singing , but ' by Gawd I gotta sing and dance'. They just laugh. They sing too. Kumbia Kings, J Lo, Beyonce, Ludaris, Usher, Celo, Flo Rida, Black Eyed Peas, Shakira, Pitbull, some unknown latino zumbaish band(to me)

Things I saw or did in Zumba recently:
--we square danced to one song
--we chug water between dances and wipe sweat off our faces and out of our hair
--we had a competition on best booty shaker
--we tried striking and holding a pose as long as we could
--2 little 4 year old girls were in class with their moms and were loving it and making everyone in class happy just to watch them
--One guy in class and loving it
--one woman with probably her husband who had never been..he was sweating up a storm. I tried to put the reserves on myself in case I needed to do cpr.
--one slightly chubby mom standing and watching her daughter dance and trying to pull her away with bribes of ice cream and this kid wanted to dance, screw the ice cream!
--Probably a little 12 yr old obese girl in there dancing and loving it. I was proud of her.
--Me -fair , fat ,red faced, singing, 48 and loving it. occasionally, passing gas by accident and feeling embarrassed. how does that happen?
--One song has a "cucoooo!" bird sound and months ago only our teacher did it and now the whole class cucoos and strikes a bird pose..
--Our teacher yells out..."next class on Friday!" and some people chant "Friday" and laugh as they walk out.
We always talk to each other as we leave..total strangers, best buds for that hour or so ..congratulating, commenting about someones perfume that rose above the sweat smells, how we wanna zumba all night long or at least more that 2 to 3 times a week.

**After I posted this I wanted to add something. When I weighed 345 I wouldn't have had the guts to go to this class and what a shame. I now weigh 220ish and I revel in this class. For some, 220 would be a number they couldn't go to a gym or dance class at. That is so wrong! Live life. Do It. We are all out there just doing our own thing and you'll miss life if you don't try things. Heck , if folks needed to go and just sit in a chair and do the arm movements our class would love that too and just have joy in sharing the fun.

2011-06-19T23:13:00.010-04:00

School Lunch Programs--but schools out for summer? not your usual food/ weight loss blog post

2011-06-18T13:56:00.007-04:00

(excuse me while I step up on a soap box (cans of peaches) and try to plant a little seed of inspiration)

So , School Lunch Programs--free or reduced priced school lunches.

I don't have kids , so it's not really on my radar to think about this. Apparently , in the county I live as many as 67% of the students at one school qualify for and rely on this program. But wait, I was a school lunch program kid back in the day. Yea, my dad died when I was in high school, my mom was disabled, and money was a 'wee bit' tight. I worked a part time job and I wouldn't have been hungry without the program, but it sure helped my mom with our tight financial budget

Ironically for this food addict, my church's main ministry is a food bank for the people of our community and it helps thousands every week. The church houses the food bank on our property and grows a sort of victory garden farmed by volunteers to provide fresh veggies for the clients. We co-host an annual 5k to raise money for food. Every week several people donate time, food, and money. It's a small church, but I can see that we make a difference. The food bank sure makes a difference.

I have a sense of guilt that I'm obese. I'm a food addict who has difficulty with control of food, and yet I volunteer and support a food bank. It seems ridiculous, and yet I can see it probably is a part of a bigger, divine plan. I actually find it easier not to deal with the actual sorting and distribution of food because all that food triggers me. I'm learning that I have a lot of emotion triggered by deprivation, so the ministry of this food bank really touches me. I know many people go hungry and are deprived of many things. I can only focus on what I can try to do something about. And, the fact that when school is out kid's may not eat lunch or even at all kinda pisses me off and makes me weepy. Don't even get me started on some of the elderly patients I would visit as a home health nurse. I ran the 3K at the race this year and donated enough with my sponsorship money to represent a dollar for every pound I've lost and want to lose.

But this isn't about me so let me redirect this. Our pastor told a story at this springs 5K race . During this year's snow storm that shut Atlanta down for a week, people were showing up in the snow and ice at the food bank because their kids were hungry and missing out on their main hot meal of the day- The school lunches. So what happens during the summer time when school is out of session?

Our church is one of many that supports the community food bank in making lunches for some of these kids. One night each week a few ladies at our church get together and create 60 bag lunches from supplies donated by our members. Those 60 bags represent next Friday's lunch and are 60 of the 400 lunches that are going to be served that day . 2000 lunches total for a week. And we need to do more. That's just for a few of the kids at a few of the schools in part of one county. Thursday night, I made about 30 turkey / cheese sandwiches while my partners assembled a pack of chips, cup of applesauce, and cookies in to a bag. I made those sandwiches with love.

It was my first time to volunteer to make lunches and I'll keep doing it through the summer. It doesn't seem like much or enough, and I want to do more. Yes, get out of my comfort zone and do more. So, I wrote this little post. Not to get anyone to donate to our food bank but to put this out there. Plant a seed. You in your own communities either have or need food banks that need to be nurtured.

And I wonder: Why don't all churches grow veggie gardens for the hungry of their community? Why can't park space also be utilized and farmed by volunteers. Couldn't we teach more people to be self sufficient? What about people who have back yard gardens and have excess veggies from say a bumper zucchini crop? Do they donate it to anyone? And the school lunch issues? What about the other county's? The other states?

I get overwhelmed thinking about the big picture. I'd love to hear what other people are doing in their communities or if you have other solutions or maybe want and do get involved. I never feel I do enough for others, and this blog reflects how much I focus on food in my life. I can see that food and real deprivation comes in to a healthier perspective when I look outside of my little world.

(climbs off soap box (cans of peaches) and feels a little better getting that off my chest)

Looking Forward To (some not so much) and Gratitude List

2011-06-17T09:48:00.005-04:00

Seems I want to make this a weekly thing. I look forward to all the possibilities of a weekend. Time to be me. I over schedule and hope to squeeze a lot of stuff in . I get only a quarter of what I wanted to do done and then feel guilty. I feel guilty and beat up on my self and 'over promise and under deliver' to myself all the time.

Gotta change That.

Also, Gratitude. Gotta, Gotta Have Gratitude. We are all blessed.

Here it is in no particular order..

1. Spend some time looking at the art of Monet and Renoir and Van gogh in a picture book.
2. Spend time under the magic oak tree in my yard where it's always magically cooler
3. Re-read a Sookie Stackhouse book as TRUE BLOOD starts up again next weekend
True Blood's "sookie , eric, bill"--go team eric!

4. Watch a movie...watched Shrek Forever After last night with my husband and then had a 9 pm walk with the pups
5. Work on organizing / clean up in our bedroom -laundry too
6. Grateful for church which brings me community , and working with the other ladies last night to create school lunches for kids who are not in school in the summer and would not have food otherwise
7. For my work sending me a second monitor for my computer that will help me be even more organized and less ADD while working
8. Duran Duran concert tickets go on sale tomorrow ...and Stevie nicks
I still have Duran Duran's RIO album..the actual album

9. blueberries
10 Hmmmmmmm, I'm liking Van Morrisson's music a lot these days...maybe his music..

that's it ..happy Friday y'all

Gardening in PJS or "excuse me , but there's a Black Widow spider in my Cilantro"

2011-06-15T12:13:00.005-04:00

***BLACK WIDOW ALERT** click on photo for a better view

FUZZY BUT THE CLASSIC RED HOUR GLASS MARKINGS ARE THERE

So, I went to the ladies garden party last night and it was lovely. This yard is like something out of a fairy tale or from my imagination of an English glade. I was looking for fairys and little magical beings under hydrangeas and moss. I have photos but haven't uploaded yet. May share later. Just loverly.

But for me and my hard Georgia clay yard, gardening is hit or miss. I'm more of a 'pot on a patio' gardener. Let's see , I've killed 2 pots worth already. I just can't seem to stay on top of the watering dept.

Herb gardening is the focus right now mainly. I like to pull little bits to add to recipes. Basil, oregano, cilantro..just never got around to getting dill or mint. Cilantro got burned by the sun and is gone gone, but here she was in her shining glory with a little visitor. I don't like Black widows and this one led a good life before it's demise.

My front yard HAD a lovely purple butterfly bush, and the water department just bull dozed her down to put in some new pipes or something. ERGH! I asked them to go dig up another area that has posion oak in it for me since my butterfly bush (with birds nest) is gone. He just laughed at me. I was only 1/2 cup of coffee down at the time. Now it makes no sense.

RIP little butterfly bush, you will be missed.

Zombiefied in Atlanta

2011-06-13T18:42:00.008-04:00

Zombies are just busting out all over here in the ATL. Atlanta. It's amusing as the news and traffic announcers give us updates on where the zombie filming will be each day for the second season of the television show The Walking Dead . Last week there were zombies in a simulated mass highway traffic accident near the raceway. This week the zombies are near the mall in Vinings. Want some new flip flops and a maxi dress to go with those yummy brains? We have warnings that 'there will be simulated gunfire' near the scene as well. As if we didn't have the real deal gunfire already...in some areas.

And the CDC is in on it too. Check this site out.
http://www.bt.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

It's all in fun. If it didn't take an hour to drive down to where they are filming and if I didn't have a job I'd be there in a flash. Sign me up to be an extra.

Otherwise, a quick update on the weekend.
Movie review "Midnight in Paris"..charming little valentine to Paris, art, literature, and the past. Not for everyone. If you are interested, see it soon and don't listen to anything or read anything about it and just enjoy. I didn't know it was about what it is about. And I'm not a fan of Owen Wilson, but I still liked it.

Food was not as good as during the week. Oh, the food tasted good, but my handle on eating for hunger and making the best choices wasn't. I was really bothered by how obsessed my mind is with weight, the cause and effect of eating off of rigid diet controls , and the concern for regaining weight. There's about a dozen other things I could say but won't. But it is a natural concern as I made some not as good choices. Can't do anything about it but recognize it, learn, and keep on. Plan better. DO BETTER. The eating disordered body / weight / worry obsession is more proof that I've lost the balanced approach and need to just keep on with my meal plan and Intuitive Eating.

Oh, And the result of some of those bad choices is an Upset tummy today. Just drinking water with my Prevacid , thank you.

Girl + no coffee = Talk about ya zombie. I had to take a nap for my lunch break and actually slept.

Plan for today: Get through this day . Start a new one tomorrow. Be grateful.

Looking Forward To and Gratitude List

2011-06-10T08:50:00.004-04:00

Just now I was writing in my journal today and I realized that to me, looking 'forward to' and having 'gratitude for' are connected. Interwoven. If I don't recognize what I''m grateful for or have an appreciation for all things living, then Am I really living?

Philosophy..barely passed in college. Uh, anyway, here's the list for today:

1. Looking forward to seeing this movie this weekend. Mostly because I like movies set in France, Art by Vincent Van Gogh, Stars and nighttime scenes, Kathy Bates, Michael Sheen , Rachel Mcadams (those 2 are dating). I think Woody Allen can be hit or miss --I liked Hannah and her Sisters and Annie Hall.
2. Either doing or getting a pedi this weekend.
3. Spending time at Barnes and Nobles with my gift cards .
4. Sleeping.
5. Watching a scary movie at home with the lights off.
6. Zumba tonight and Sunday
7. Running
8. Finding a 5k running program--structure, goals, motivation...open to suggestion

9. No weight gained on another week of intuitive eating. Yes, folks it's true. I've eaten pretty much what I wanted within 1400-1800 calories and haven't gained. Clothes fitting same or loose. Less out of control eating than last week. It's working. Learning that there is gray and it's a lovely color compared to black and white.

10. And Almost always on my list, Claritin or it's generic form. I'm allergic to dust and the cat. Our cat decided he didn't want to go outside last night. When he heard me shout "Outside" which is the last call for potty break outside for the dogs , he went straight under the sofa to hide. My husband pulled him out and he ran straight to the bedroom and climbed up in to the underside of our box springs. Moving the bed around, to pull him out kicked up a little dust storm and the newly discovered house lost and found dept.

"Ooohh , there's my pillow from Sedona!"
Claritin this morning soothes the itchy throat, nose, ears, eyes.
Get some.

Happy Friday

Hablo Intuitive Eating?

2011-06-08T23:15:00.006-04:00

I've been posting itty bits about my jump off the diet - binge cycle. Itty bitty bits because it is like trying to speak a new language and being embarrassed with the way you pronounce things. It's not being sure you are using the words right or that you really understand or trust yourself. Very little it seems. So Far.
Now, calories or WW points or fat grams-that language I know and speak fluently.

Thursday is round 3 with the new nutritionist. I'm reading the book "Intuitive Eating" which has been a great resource for me and makes 100% sense to me now. Funny that my last nutritionist recommended this book to me back when I weighed 320 lbs , but I just wasn't ready for it then. I wasn't at this place in my journey. I just passed the ear-marked page which was all I had read back then. I remember it seemed impossible, a fairy tale and a bunch of hooey. " Not for me! Give me rules and black and white. I'm in a hurry here. I want a food plan!"

I know that structure and the planning and everything I did then as far as dieting and exercise was right for me at the time. But it hasn't been working for a while and it becomes more clear to me every day how screwed up I'd gotten with intermittent spurts of rigid, diet control versus being flat out of control with food and then beating up on myself until I was whipped in to submission.

Here's a peep in to this new world for me. I woke up thinking about the scale today. I immediately realized from another part of my brain--"Whoa! obsessed much? and how much do I think about the scale?"...Well, a lot. I tallyed up 3 times by 10 am. 6 times by 4pm. Probably 20 times by now. Haven't weighed. Won't weigh till tomorrow. I know my clothes fit. My size 18 jeans that just started fitting a couple of months ago still fit fine. I wear those when I go out to eat versus elastic wasteband pants, so I'm reminded of what my body feels like at this size. But I'm so aware now of that scale obsession and some of the craziness I've had around it. Damn scale.

I will admit that by not weighing I haven't judged myself as much. I don't 100% trust myself or my body yet. I felt hunger and ate a balanced meal. I wasn't hungry again for another 4 hours. I felt full after eating another time. I wanted ice cream and ate a small scoop. I didn't want french fries with my meal and didn't get them. The meal I always stare at on the menu , I finally had a half portion of. Eh. No biggie. No desire to ever have that again. I did great yesterday and felt free from food addict thinking and behavior. Today was a little different--not as happy and shiny. Monday got a little out of control with one thing and I pinpointed what that was all about. I didn't trust myself and that lack of trust and understanding led to being out of control. Like I said, this is like walking on shifting sand. I'm working on it..just not talking so much about it.

***addendum Thursday AM--blogger comments isn't working again so in reply for Alan. I expect people who are in the diet mentality to not get this. I didn't. I needed a diet to lose weight. And I'm not where society or I want to be weight-wise ( mine doesn't match society's idea exactly). But so many years in to this journey, 2 years of maintaining over 100 lb loss, and having old eating disorder behavior kick in to high gear from diet restriction behavior is enough to make me expand my viewpoint. I would have agreed 100% a year ago that intuitive Eating is a sure fire way to gaining weight back.

Healthy Oops , Part deux

2011-06-07T20:54:00.004-04:00

Ants on a Log photo from the internet but mine looked identical...

So when you have a boatload of veggies because you bought a giant tray of fresh veggies plus more for a garden party that you thought was tonight but is actually next week, whadda ya do?

My husband isn't a veggie person but he'll dip carrots in to Ranch , so we are talking .....Still Lot's of veggies for one. The universe says eat more veggies, I comply.

Lunch : Romaine from farmers market with multiple veggies as a salad and left over Hungry Girl turkey sloppy joe slaw...ANTS on a LOG: celery/ peanut butter / raisins for dessert.

Dinner: chicken veggie stirfy including turnips, green beans, broccoli, carrots, red onion and even apple slices..it was pretty tasty--left overs for tomorrow

Breakfast pre-cooked for tomorrow: Veggie frittata and prepped celery / raisins/ peanut butter for snacks for tomorrow

ok, that's about 25% of the veggies

Healthy OOPS!

2011-06-07T08:23:00.004-04:00

One of the ways I stuck with great diet control during my big losing phase was avoiding social functions that focused on food. Church food events at our church are notorious. In the last 4 years I've only been to a couple of the yearly dozens of events because I knew I would be obsessing over the good food. I'd tried and tried but all those goodies were just too overwhelming.

This year the ladies Garden party is coming around and I wanted to go . No more missing out on life. It's a dinner served in a garden setting--think Southern Living styled tables under Oak trees with chandeliers and candles and flowers everywhere. It's fun to get dolled up and float around in the garden in floaty, spring clothes. All I need is a hat.

This year I signed up to bring the veggie tray and I bought the ingredients last night. I start with a Kroger veggie tray and then transfer it to a nicer serving dish with added veggies and cheese. Stocked up at Krogers last night. I'm cleaning up the kitchen and brewing coffee this morning and I mention to my husband that I'll be out tonight.

Hubby "Oh, the garden party is next week." I look at my little girly invite. sho nuff.
ME "Darn, We'll be eating crudites all week then. That's a big ooops!."

"When It's Time To Change You've Got To Rearrange"..yep, Intuitive Eating

2011-06-04T09:15:00.006-04:00

2 cool points if you can figure out where that phrase is from without using the Internet to search**answer at bottom of post

Saturday am
Pjs: One of my husbands' over sized t shirts
Coffee: Dunkin Donut French vanilla..what else
Breakfast: Protein/oatmeal/cinnamon/walnut pancake, one beautiful luscious perfect strawberry, low fat cheddar cheese stick
Whatcha doin: watchin the news, blogging, journaling, planning the day, being a source of warmth for my dog Angel

Paradigm Shift is a concept I learned in my first nursing job when I was trained on Total Quality Management and then had to help train other coworkers and carry it out. From then on at almost every job I've had, I've been put on the quality improvement committees. Find a problem, research the best way to deal with it from the people that really know how to do it, create a plan, carry out and then evaluate in order to tweak it. I'm analytical and also a dreamer , so this is perfect for me.

Since then, I embrace that concept in my life. 'If it ain't working, fix it.' Throw all the issues out there and see what trickles down in to place. Sometimes I don't want to do the 'new thing'. Usually later on, I can't believe I didn't try it before. The willingness to try the new thing is the biggest hurdle. Change is inevitable.

Lotta paradigm shifting going on in Pj Geek world....here are some.

1. My employer is sending me new and additional computer equipment for my home office, so I had to rearrange the furniture to make room for it. I love, love ,love my new set up. It is so much more spacious and functional and aesthetically pleasing. I've been cramped and hunched over and messy since I started working at home. This new arrangement makes perfect sense. It's as if things clicked in to place. Hunh, why didn't I think of this sooner?

2. Hawt! Summertime and it's sticky, hot, and humid in Georgia. I walk my two dogs for exercise and socialization and smellovision for them. We have a fenced in back yard, but this is their favorite thing to do. In summer, I usually walk them a little earlier in the morning or at night. But it's been miserable even at these times. Since I get up at 6:45am and just putter, I decided to try walking them then before we have breakfast. Less people, less other dogs, we see rabbits. My elder dog can tolerate it better. We've started up our metabolisms before breakfast and still have the option of a nighttime walk. While I'd rather be sleeping or staying in pjs, it's a win win for all.

3. The food thing..Intuitive Eating.
Work in progress. This is probably the biggest change going on right now for me. I had to hit rockbottom-binges and a panic attack to accept the need to change. You see, I could not have lost over 130lbs without having done exactly everything I've done in the last 4 years. I lost weight having rules, black and white, rigid planning and counting calories and relying on others to tell me what to eat. My food plans adjusted along the way as my body did. I even ate food from 2 different meal delivery systems intermittently because I couldn't always trust myself to choose correctly, prepare correctly, or measure portions correctly. I exercised A LOT. It worked. And I don't think I could have done it any faster.

Since in the last several months when I've been trying to actually "diet" more, my old eating disorder behaviors have started back -plus new ones. I want and need to lose another 30ish pounds and I want it now. But now, after years of focus on this and when I follow a restrictive diet of lower calories, it creates problems. I have actions and feelings of rebellion, rebound eating, and intermittent binges. My body responds by pooping only maybe twice a week, periods stop, and the body isn't happy. I poop out at the gym from not enough energy.

Emotionally / mentally, there has been more stress and disordered behavior in the last few months than I'd had in the last 4 years. It has a lot to do with control, not trusting myself, and rebounding from trying to restrict at the same time that I'm going through some breakthroughs in therapy and coping with my new body image. and a panic attack....new one. Feelings of vulnerability would be the best way to describe it.

So I sought help from a new nutritionist with an eating disorder focus and Intuitive Eating is the recommendation. I shudder as I hate the name and concept. Buncha Hooey! Not for me. Give me rules and rigid structure.

But I'm about 3 weeks in now and I'm actually still following a food plan but not as rigidly. I plan my food, but with flexibility. She wants me to still eat more calories and I don't trust it yet. I just can't let go of the structure I'd created. The point is the binges and mindless overeating have lessened and almost completely stopped. No panic. A little more of the balance and peace that I wanted my blog and my life to be about originally.

The diet mentality and lifestyle and the food addiction are entrenched in me, so this is a major paradigm shift. Not weighing myself and not focusing on losing weight is foreign. I'm not perfect. I'm learning. I weighed today and my body is starting to lose weight . My body is functioning more normally again. I don't think I could have lost and maintained the loss for almost 2 years now without the structure and path I'd taken before, so this is like walking on shifting sand.

I'm going to make some changes in my blog world to help guide me a bit. I'm going to be blogging more about this and less the traditional focus on weight loss and dieting. I also need to read less blogs that focus on weight loss and diet, so I'm going to change up the blogs on my blog list (and if you want to drop me from yours that is fine too.) No problem. It's going to be tough to wean myself off some of your blogs, but I'll have you guys on my blog reader to check in on once in a while. On the other hand, there are IE /maintenance bloggers and even Dietgirl that are living this lifestyle. Hoping to find more.

**the BRADY BUNCH sang this song --groovy 70's pop culture icons of cheese

Out of Sync

2011-06-01T21:41:00.004-04:00

photo from the internet...artst Mr. Van Gogh

Hot in the burbs here, mid 90's and humid. The evening stroll with the pups was less than stellar, as a neighbor's bigger dog was out on the loose scaring my girls and chasing bikers. Superfun.

This morning, I was still pumped with endorphins from the workouts of the night before.. I felt like running. Time to start training for a 5k. I have one staked out for November, but want to get one in between now and then. I like how it felt to be focused with goals , training, and pushing myself. If I can't run it I'll walk it BY GAWD! (true southern accent) So some treadmill time was planned, but first to Office Max for a white bookcase for my office.

Halfway through Office Max , my husband says "You are walking funny. Are you ok? you're dragging your feet?"..About that time , I realized my back was hurting and he was right. I was kind of walking like a marionette. My top half wasn't fluid with my lower half. I guess the workouts of Tuesday night: the bouncey elliptical trainer and the pump class afterward did a number to my spine / back muscles. Without the endorphins, I was outta sync.

Rest day, then. Damn, it's a bother getting old.

Then hubby suggests going out to eat. We do. I make some good choices, some not as good, and part of my meal came home and will be lunch for tomorrow. It's the only way I justify eating out twice in one week. To the husband, "No more!" Then on the way home he wants Brewsters..as in ice cream. I didn't get any. I really didn't want any. I didn't want to spend the calories, I didn't want the full feeling, I had really enjoyed my dinner. And if i did want some, I wanted low sugar or a Skinny Cow fudgebar at 50 cal. He was initially upset that I didn't get any but then accepted it.

Out of sync there too.

I bypassed ice cream.
Gotta bottle that feeling and the thought processes that went in to that choice and sell it on an infomercial.

Spitting out the bones-not a blog about Pirates or is it?

2011-05-31T21:07:00.005-04:00

Is that a bone in his hair?

Ahoy mateys!

Saw this movie yesterday...... Seen one, seen them all. But I enjoyed it, And there were mermaids. And Johnny. Nuff said. So, 2 hours for your brain to turn mushy and just chill out. That's all you need sometimes.

Ok, the bony part

At my lunch break today I surfed blogs briefly while checking the online gym class schedule . I only looked at a few, but 3 blogs either through pictures or words just about drove me to food. Why do we do this? I had the stirrings of a major jonesin for a muffin or dessert thing and it took a while to simmer down the coals of that jonesin. (I'm guilty of this too, absolutely, and I might think about this before I blog about it next time.)

Don't need this crap.

Another blog inspired me to work out a little harder and inspired me to push myself on intensity at the gym tonight. I burned up 150 calories on the new bouncy elliptical thing at the gym in less than 15 minutes. Then on to the weight training class where I pooped out after just 40 minutes--either not enough or the right kind of snack before the gym. Fuel gauge on E.

It isn't the blog or blogger's fault, It just is.

Sometimes we are social. Sometimes we talk about having binges. Some days we talk about exactly what we ate and how many times we shook our ass. Sometimes it's about what it took or meant to not have that cookie. Sometimes we crow about losing that certain number of pounds or hitting that number or breaking that plateau. Some days we just show pictures or talk about the grand kids or dog babies. Sometimes we feel like failures and pour our hearts out. Some days we just try to gently nudge someone in the right direction because we understand getting mired down in our own crap. Sometimes we don't understand each other.

'Spitting out the bones' is figuring out what doesn't sit well with you and choosing to stop letting it affect you. If it doesn't make sense or feel right or is a turn off , then turn it off. Shut it down. Stop letting it have an effect on you.

This post is for me and I posted it here for others to read. Maybe someone needs to hear this today or it sounds pissy. If you don't get it or like it, then spit out the bones.