Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Feel and Deal

Monday mornings are sometimes like I imagine it would be in a confessional with a priest. Except I'm confessing with myself to try to figure out --What Happened? or What didn't happen ? or sometimes, those rare times-- 'Wow, what went sooo well?' I complete my journal of food and exercise, and I figure it out. I record it all on my online food program. What am I going to tell my dietician in our appointment tomorrow? 'don't tell all the truth'--says one voice. Another voice says 'you are not going to get better at this if you don't fess up and figure all of this out'.

Do ya'll have those little voices?

The summary of the weekend's story--It's never a 100% loss, there are always good behaviors mixed with bad not as good behaviors these days. I'm just working on titrating the level of goodness higher. I'm coming up with my game plan to make it all better. Well, to make progress. This works, people. If you knew where I started...if you only knew.

If it doesn't make sense to you --It Makes sense to me.

Tuesday mornings I meet with Meg my dietician via Skype and we peruse my online food / exercise journal. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Mostly the week days are fine with maybe a blip here or there. The weekends are when things can go wonky. I expect her to roll her eyes or sigh, but she never does. We always pull out the successes and work on the plan for the problem areas. I gloss over and we don't delve in to the personal issues so much that might have led me to use old or mindless or destructive behavior. For that I journal, I think, I analyze, I have therapy with a therapist every other Thursday.

One of my journal entries said that on Sunday I didn't want to 'feel or deal'. Interpretation: Feel the emotions, deal with them , or deal with anything else I need to do . Yeah, not on Sunday. I guess partially it's because I am becoming anxious about a situation coming up in our lives and I guess that was on my mind. We had a few cranky words about this or that and went out to eat . It was a planned lunch. I got what I expected to get. I brought home half to eat for dinner.

But when we got home from eating, I just wanted to read my kindle. I read 1 1/2 books. I took a nap. I also didn't want to take care of myself-do household chores that do need to get done. I was kind of 'in the food' since we had eaten out--"really good food" and I had been to the grocery store. I wanted to snack. Being 'in the food' isn't the same as being 'in to dealing with life or feelings'. Instead, I read in bed and snacked and read and snuggled with my dog and snacked and loved every moment of it---then.

It started raining and I felt cozier. In the end, at the end of the day, I didn't like what happened. I didn't like exceeding my calories. I questioned why. Maybe I could have still read and done it better. Absolutely.

This rolls in to Monday and I'm there with the confession , the analysis and the plan to make things different . I haven't had a reading/ snacking day like that in a long while. Those are usually reserved for days that I don't feel good or days that are very cold or rainy. I know this now and I am not worried that this weekend will be the same. It won't.

Some thoughts confirmed and stamped in my book of truths

1. Skinny popcorn---only 39 calories a cup . Yeah, that's all good. I am a single serving only kind of girl. 100 calorie mini bags or no popcorn at all. No big bags of skinny pop. It took me 3 days to go through it which compared to 'the old days' is fine. But it isn't getting me where I want to be healthwise.

2. Be very careful looking at grocery store circulars. Just because they have my husband's favorite cookies BOGO, doesn't mean I have to shop for them.

3. Going out for a meal and getting what I want , but only eating half of it and taking the rest home for another meal works.

4. Having a protein snack or drink after a 2 hr workout when I'm hungry and heading to the grocery store works. (jerky and iced skinny latte)