Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Feelin Feelings Feeling

I truly enjoy my time off during weekends, but they do present challenges. Do I have the energy to exercise? Desire to do anything? Go anywhere? Eat the right stuff in the right amounts? Not overindulge those parts of me that wan't to overindulge-food, sleep, laziness, tv. A little is fine, too much is another thing

This was a weekend full of feelings, and it becomes overwhelming when you are an emotion- reactive eater trying not to eat as a response to emotions or to numb out which you've done since you were 5. I take liberty with my ideas of feelings here.

Friday we touched on a few subjects while driving to a destination that brought up...stuff. There are certain topics that I don't seem to say the right things to my husband. Maybe I don't agree with his viewpoint or maybe I'm trying to rally him or help him look at the positives. That just strikes him the wrong way.

Feelings: anger, exasperation, sadness, fear, frustration.

We worked through it but right in time to go to dinner. The gauntlet for me-Cracker Barrel. This restaurant reminds me of my childhood and my grandmothers and plenty of lovely dining experiences with friends and family. I can make good choices and I mostly did, but at the expense of parts of me that have to battle with each other. My favorite dessert there is still like 1000+ calories if shared. I got the fried apples instead. I think I saw a former coworker that hated me. We never made eye contact, but it was weird. Lots of memories came up.

Feelings: excitement, self-judgement, worry, curiosity. But also a sense of fun and pride and calm.

Saturday brought on bad and restless feelings. it was raining and I just didn't want to get up and go to Yoga. I took a nap. I took a walk. While I try to avoid this particular neighbor's grass, my dog is obsessed with the smells there. She pooped on the street corner (on their grass) and I picked it up as I always do. We round the last corner of their house and the tween daughter of this household comes out to tell me they've notice me letting our dog 'go' in their grass and they want it to stop. they pay a lot of money to have that grass. 'It's sod!" !!

Feelings-embarrassment, guilt, anger, anger, revenge, embarrassment, anger. restless, on edge.

(Here we do get in to some eating of chips (single serving bag) and doritoes with an extra piece of cheese. Also, I indulged in 'shopping' at the new farmer's market in our area. I didn't give in to the worst options but it was obsessive looking at all of their stuff. I ate 1/2 of a Lara bar compulsively then tossed it)

Feelings: relief, guilt, frustration, numbed a little bit

Sunday-not so bad. I was worn out emotionally. I still didn't want to go to Yoga. what's that about? I cooked dinner and watched True blood which was kind of hilarious.

Feelings: shame at skipping yoga, happiness at cooking a meal for my husband that he loves--a rare thing. Hilarity at watching some of the one liners in True Blood.

After that weekend, all you can do is write about it. think about it. Plan alternate walking routes if I can drag my dog away from that house. Plan that my next trip to Cracker barrel will probably be in Fall or Winter...nothing sooner. And know that in the past ALL I did was obsessively think of food, shop for food, eat food to numb these feelings.