Sunday, February 9, 2014

...when you are depressed and enough is just darn enough.....

Retail therapy -I love every color and bought a little package of this today.

Choosing healthy self care versus my food addict methods of self care is my goal and challenge. On weekends, I struggle. When I'm saying "TGIF!" on Fridays at work , I have an inner voice that says "oh crap...another weekend! how am I going to do?" I think it's the lack of structure and the feeling or desire to celebrate not having to work and to just have time to be me. But when I'm me, sometimes I just want to comfort me. Mostly I tend to just eat too many calories and I get depressed. The scarier extreme is the apathetic or depressed place when I want to numb out with foods (tv, sleep, etc). That didn't happen today. woo hoo! I used a lot of different self care techniques.

And let me first add before I tell you about the self care stuff , that I recently really admitted to myself and my 'team'- husband, therapist, and nutritionist just HOW DEEP my depression has been of late. Losing our two pets so close together to illness is a big piece of this. Wrap that package up with guilt for their illness and self doubt on every choice we made. (Our other dog is out of remission from her immune disorder and is back on meds as well).

With the depression came the addict's behavior of falling in to bad habits and that begat the guilt and fear and self loathing that can result which then just perpetuates the depression. I have had moments , minutes, hours where I just wish I could be unconscious. I imagine how much easier it seems that shooting a drug in to me and being knocked out would feel. I know when I'm thinking it how screwed up that is. While, I count my self fortunate that I didn't choose drugs or alcohol to be addicted to, I know that my physical and emotional health can be just as damaged by my abuse of my drugs of choice.

I'm realizing that the antidepressant I'm taking probably isn't working as efficiently or just isn't right for me and I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist about finding the right med for me. I've tried to not use anti-depressants in the past and that is a prelude to a really bad dip for me. My brain chemistry just isn't quite right. Meanwhile, that isn't the only solution but at least I've finally made an appointment which is something I've talked about but not done for about 2 years.


Friday night--I took the veggie tray and hummus and pretzel thins to a Girls' Night and filled up on veggies and fruit and ham. We had cheese and chocolate fondue. I skipped the wine and noted when I felt full and stopped eating early. It was a success.

Our host has 3 cats and I Really Really Miss having a cat. I'm talking it up with my husband who seems to want to put off or not have another cat. :( gotta have another cat-I have had a cat since I was 19. I've been looking at cat adoption sites. oy!

--Breakfast: pumpkin, protein powder, almond milk, and oat pancake

--Exercise: Got my yoga on. Got just 20 minutes of some zumba time in and torched up my metabolsim--my face was purple red.

--Retail therapy : At Ulta (Stila $20 makeup kit and Butter nailpolish and hair thingees) and Old navy (hoodie sweatshirt).

--Publix and bought the makings for crockpot chicken tortilla soup, fruit and cheese and veg and some healthy frozen food for the week.

--I ate several colors of the rainbow in fruit and veg: pumpkin, clementines, red grapes, green apples, black bean with rice and veg, cobb salad, red peppers.....and black bean brownie. I should have pureed the black bean because it tastes like a brownie with bits of black beans mixed in. um, yeah, still ate it.

--Nashville and Olympics(skating and cross country) and Black Sails is what I've watched on tv. Then some blogging. Now bed time.

This is me--not as depressed, not numbing out, just taking care of myself and that little girl that hurts inside sometimes and needs to be taken care of -no guilt and no judgement. one meal at a time.