Didn't fall off the edge of the planet, but didn't feel like posting anything. Here it is another weekend. When I don't blog it's usually because things are going off track and I'm trying to care FOR my self enough to Take care OF myself. Really care. Nope, I didn't dive in to a box of cookies though I think I've had a cookie or two this this week . I have been journaling and recording food and feelings and exercise and sending an email daily to my nutritionist with my total calories for the day and exercise info. I don't like having to count calories, but keeping in a certain range seems to be a necessity. Getting to a lower range seems to be what is needed for weight loss. I'm a work in progress.
So I will share this tidbit, but not because I want to pick on my husband. He truly does not understand food addiction or obsessive compulsive behavior. Particularly , my issues. He has his own issues with food . We have issues together with food. I call it 'buddy eating'.
I had shared with him that Coffee Heath Bar Crunch Ben and Jerry's ice cream was..WAS..my favorite ice cream and a former binge food. I don't buy it. Though if I happened upon a single scoop of the stuff I would let myself have it as a one time thing because I truly like the flavor and consistency. Plus I would pine for it and obsess. One time things work for me.
But , 'in the ol' days I would go thru a pint in one sitting. I couldn't stop. Several pints a week. More than one a day? can't remember. I just know I had bought out that particular flavor from every grocery store within 5 miles of my apartment. I was rotating where I shopped because I knew the checker people would figure out my secret ..my little size 26 secret. You know, The taste disappears after a while when you eat a pint of icecream at one sitting. Then it's all about the visual. The visual is what sets my addict off.
So last night my husband tells me he bought me a pint of Ben and Jerry's coffee heath bar crunch ice cream as well as Ben and Jerrys strawberry shortcake frozen yogurt for him. You WHAT?!! In my head "You effin' WHAT?!!!!!!!".
.... and then my little addict's voice said ..'oh boy!'
But the caveat was that he had to serve it to me. I didn't want to see it , not even the closed container. He didn't get it but he measured out a serving. oh, and then another.
This morning I counted up the calories and I sent the email to my nutritionist with the fact that I HAD poured soap on the rest of it. (my sure proof method of spoiling food that I don't need to eat. only throwing in the trash without soap is a lost cause). But, I hadn't yet and was on my way to do it and get ready for the gym. I opened the container and looked in. I chipped off a piece of heath bar with my finger and sucked on it. Suddenly, I realized how good it looked and there wasn't that much left. Oh my gosh, look at the way it looks !!!!...and smells............oh I want it. I'll just eat it . what the heck.
it's like a crazy , sped up thought process and a tug of war in my soul. Then there comes a moment of truth. Wow, it's the visual in the container and holding it and the brain remembers and that really cinches the appeal.
NO! that's the damn addict voice.
3 squirts of Palmolive dishwashing liquid and a squirt of water. Lid on. Toss in trash. FREE ^^^ F R E E ^^^
I told him about it later and he didn't get it. He didn't understand at all. I know he was probably hurt. But the point of doing it was to teach him that I can't handle it and he needs to stop doing things like that. I wish he could have been in my head and soul in those moments.
What a great idea! Palmolive and water on food I don't need to eat. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to try to remember the dish soap trick.
ReplyDeleteMy bigger problem is not buying the stuff in the first place, because I will then finish it off in order to dispose of the evidence (as if the evidence was not on my body).
Signed, another eater of pints
PS: My dh isn't an enabler, but he tries to control and then I rebel (even if I have given him permission to control). Are you familiar with Gwen Shamblin's "Weigh Down" diet plan? Her book was very eye opening to me.
Oh I definitely get it. The whole inner conversation. And that is interesting about the visual draw. I think that works on me as well.
ReplyDeleteDear Sister...Your brilliant and honest writing of the B&J story is a totally been-there-done-that understanding for me, even to the eating-buddy thing and the husband not getting it. Mine likes to tempt me with chocolate. He finally stopped bringing it into our house and showing/offering it to me. Now it's more subtle, like showing me a "good ad" or other program on TV that involves chocolate. As you know, those conversations with the addict in me regarding my binge foods are either low key or not even apparent because I've finally programed myself that I do not eat X,Y and Z. That is the biggest benefit of all for me with the OA program... not having those internal, verbal battles anymore. Whew. Part of me has a twinge, though, when I read your post and think how nice it would be to have that "one scoop (in my case) of chocolate-chocolate ice cream" once in a while in controlled situations. Only the sure knowledge that I'd never have the strength to use the dish soap keeps me from it. I'm proud of you for using it, even knowing it would hurt your husband's feelings. Bravo!
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