A Hollywood Icon passed, and I think it's worth mentioning here as I have hours of my life invested in her films. Where would the Pj geek be without a good movie, a little popcorn, a lot of romance and a little laughter through tears ?
Some of my favorite movies were written and/ or directed by Nora Ephron --may she rest in peace-- my favorite Fall scenes, New York scenes, coffee shop scenes, road trip scenes, and Tom Hanks scenes.
And my favorite actors- Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan, Tom Hanks, Carrie Fisher, Meryl Streep. Oh, and the soundtracks. I can't see Tiramisu on a menu withouth thinking of THAT scene in "Sleepless in Seattle."
So many of the memorable lines and scenes are somehow imprinted in my brain and are a part of my being. I can't go a Fall or a Christmas without seeing certain scenes. Nora raised the bar high on how we see romance. What we want romance to be.
I copied this from an article by Ap writer Christy Lemure 'In Honoring Norah Ephron, here are 10 of her best lines' link at bottom
'The big New Year's Eve speech Crystal delivers to Ryan at the end of "When Harry Met Sally ...." This is vintage Ephron in a nutshell.
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
'The last lines of "You've Got Mail," after all the gesturing and posturing, the sabotage and mistaken identity, they meet in Riverside Park and Ryan finally realizes that Hanks has been her secret email pal all along.
Hanks: "Don't cry, Shopgirl. Don't cry."
Ryan: "I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly."'
Not the caviar Garnish! Oh, Take it to the mattresses!
---(chopped from an article by Ap writer Christy Lemire)
I admit to seeing a therapist because it really helps. SHHHhhhh....there is still something of a stigma attached to seeking mental health care. I see it and hear it all the time as I work in healthcare and have to encourage and promote access to mental health treatment.
Without it, I would go through life on autopilot. Not that this still doesn't happen when I'm working with a therapist. It's like my mental conversation is ..." blah blah blah blah-I want to do this..I want to do that. I'm trying to do this. I'm doing this. I'm gonna do that!"
Then , suddenly , WOMP!!!.
Something she says makes sense a week later and I do a complete 180 degree or 90 degree or 45 degree turn. What the heck have I been doing? No wonder I've been stuck. Sure, maybe I would have gotten there anyway, eventually, 30 years later.
Then there are the big questions: "What is your goal in life? What do you want out of life? What is your Life really about? "
scratches head and goes- Huh?
Seriously, I just stare blankly sometimes.
Flashes. Little flashes of clarity light up my brain on occasion.
The hard part is-keeping those lights lit and really doing something about it.
Clive Owen-in my dream he was slightly younger And somewhat Asian.
It's been a while since I wrote one out. I think of this often though. Here's for today.
1. air conditioning
3. Calamine lotion
5. Work. Getting done with work at the end of the day, rather.
6. My dream about Clive Owen last night.
7. I know it just turned to summer, but it will be fall again soon
8. Watching True Blood
11. My husband making me laugh
12. Downloading two books for $3 on my Kindle and the first one I'm reading already has me hooked.
13. Womped in the head with a moment of clarity today...clarity, where you been?
The word, feeling, mood of the week is Shame. Epiphany type things occur when you actually recognize an emotion, feel it, and make attempts to deal with it. Happiness or anger or sadness sure, but I'm talking about one of the lesser attractive emotions. Major ick stuff.
Food stuffs it down. Being a good little girl stuffs it down. Following your eating plan perfectly stuffs it down. Excelling at work/job/marriage/community might even stuff it down. Temporary fixes. But it eventually becomes this pack that is so stuffed full of shame that it weighs you down and nearly breaks your back.
How do you deal with it? What is the remedy? What causes it? What is the healthy way to process shame? How does your self energy work through the shame stuff? How do you seperate your self energy from being a 'good girl' or a successful dieter or a good ______(fill in the blank)? How can shame be felt, dealt, and released? I mean really, completely released forever AND a day?
Oatmeal Cranberry scones and chichuachua peke mutts do not mix.
Monday night / Tuesday early am was spent nursing one sick little food addict dog. I may have slept on the floor. For the first time in this dog's life she turned down peanut butter (with a pill hidden inside). To the vet we went by 7 am. Tummy ? Breathing? Heart? hmmmmmmmmm or e. all of the above and more. The vet mentioned her blood had a high level of fat to which I replied "she ate a whole human sized scone". duh.
The other chica peke mutt threw up and looks hung over today Ok , guys that scone went missing on Saturday? Are you eating mushrooms outside? bugs? Cat poo? or e: all of the above and more.
Lil' doggie still sick, but now has a fancy medicine and still feels punky.
Vet can pay his truck payment this month.
Dog mama and dad still worry.
Was the cake worth it? Was the scone I never ate worth it?
What do you think? Pup healing prayers are welcome.
The Wedding was lovely. Think country, old fashioned, farmhouse, old quilts, mason jars, wild flowers, straw fans to keep you cool, a walk down a gravel road to an old country church. Then a recption under a picnic pavilion with twinkle lights, Barbecue, ice tea and lemonade. Simple. Sweet. Music straight from either the 70's like Journey, The Allman Brothers, or a little Michael Jackson, Etta James , and then the classic romantic songs that you usally hear in Woody Allen or Meg Ryan films.
Cake: There was a chocolate grooms cake and bride cake and cupcakes. My husband was having a mood (he's moodier than a teenager sometimes but he was having issues that day). Cake wise, I was on my own. I had a very small piece of the bride/ chocolate cake which was the equal of 1 piece. But I had my cake and enjoyed it too. Done.
What happened earlier in the day and then this morning was just ironic. I've been having apparently the luck asnd good fortune of having my hair cut / colored by my sister for the last several years. The thing about that is I have to drive several hours to Alabama and we visit for the weekend. I've just not wanted to take a weekend trip and it hasn't worked out for us, so I was overdue. My hair was thick and long and dry and tri-toned grayish, brownish, copperish. And, I had a weddding to go to.
So I ventured from the suburbs and went to an old hairdresser from my past in the cooler intown part of Atlanta to get my hair cut and colored. I enjoyed the chatter. I should have realized when I saw the updated salon and the Bumble and Bumble / Aveda hair products that prices have gone up. Sticker shock! I'm still stuttering. It'll be Alabama trips from now on. Even with gas prices it will be cheaper.
While in hip/ cool Atlanta, I stopped by a little coffee shop near the hairdresser for an iced coffee and bought one cranberry oatmeal scone. I'm sort of a scone obsessed person. That's all I'm saying. Therefore it is a rare occasion to be near a place that has real scones plus to actully buy one. It's better for me to remain in a scone -free state of mind. I had a nibble with the coffee, but took it home.
I had to rush home to get ready for the wedding and put the bag on the dining room table. The scone was in a brown bag with the opening folded over and was within the bag of the expensive Aveda hair product I felt I just had to buy. Sucker. When I got home after the wedding, I noticed the bigger bag was on the floor. ooops. I couldn't find the scone bag. This morning I found what remained of that bag--with a big ol' hole in the bag where my food-obsessed dog obviously ate it. Scone-free zone still.
What do you do when you are faced with going to a wedding and considering having or not having wedding cake. And you love cake. Particularly, wedding cake. And the last time you had it was ..hmmmm, let me think. Wow ! 1998 at your own wedding. Birthday cake , sure on occasion , but WEDDING CAKE is a whole different thing.
I started thinking about this back in December the day a family wedding date was announced. It has been looked forward to. It has been discussed in therapy . There is a plan. Other desserts were avoided because I was going to have real wedding cake in June. As the days ticked down to the cake... wedding, it actually has had less importance. Truly.
I've been there done that with the "not having any" approach. I've gone months , years with 'no sugar, no white flour.....". Yep that backfires on me eventually and the regretful comments afterwards are "it would have been better / easier to have just had one piece". And I can have one piece if I'm prepared for it. I can enjoy it and eat it mindfully with the help of a loving husband. So that is the plan.
I'm not going near the cake. I'm not going to drool or hover it, and stalk out just the right piece. I will look at it from afar. Then my husband is going to cut me an appropriate sized piece and bring it to me. The groom's cake? That will depend on what kind it is-that is optional.
It will be a beautiful, outdoor wedding in June at an old country farm house. A hot June afternoon in Georgia. I will soak it in. I will enjoy the flowers, the clothes, the people, and the joy in the new beginning. I will have a piece of cake. This is my solution.
If you haven't followed this blog closely , I'll catch you up so this makes sense. I'm nearing 50 and in the throes of perimenopause. I've been having issues with ovarian cysts and pelvic / abdominal pain and having a work up. Because my sister died from ovarian cancer at age 40, I'm a little concerned and considering having a prophylactic surgery to remove my ovaries or go for the whole shebang with a hysterectomy 'all of my woman bits'.
Being a nurse and a virgin to surgery and hospital admissions, I don't take surgery lightly. But, I pretty much hit all the ovarian cancer risk factors without even the family history -obese, infertile, no children, getting older, and cysts on both ovaries. Is it a matter of not if but when? These are the preliminary stages of working this up. I plan to get a couple of second opinions. I'm seeing my GI doc this week as some of my symptoms are related to the gut. I will make a careful and educated decision.
Yesterday, I had another ultrasound (only 1 cyst) and had genetic blood testing done. BRACA--blood teting for genetic traits for breast and ovarian cancer. It was very sobering to list all of the cancer history in my family ( I had to have an extra sheet of paper and I knew i was leaving out a lot of folks still.) The genetic tests costs $3000 and my insurance may or may not pay though I think I have enough family history to sway the decision to approval. If the genetic test is positive then I'm probably having the surgery.
I had just picked up a magazine in the doc's waiting room titled VIM and VIGOR with Mr Darcy on the cover. Apparently, Colin Firth is about 51 and lives a fairly healthy lifestyle and he has a reasonable attitude about getting older. I didn't get to divulge my Darcy fantasy before they called me in for the blood draw. After asking for that extra page to continue listing my family cancer history , I started getting kinda weepy. The nurse said "I'm sorry but we have to charge you for the blood draw and the genetic testing company will see if your insurance covers the lab test." My response was " well I'm taking Mr darcy with me then" and showed her the magazine. She said " go for it."
When I left, as I do when I leave almost every doctors appointment , I want to indulge myself with food. I didn't. I stopped by KMART-cheap stuff but they had what I liked. A new PJ outfit with Betty boop on sale, flip flops, fairy dust fingernail polish, a skirt and shoes for a wedding I'm going to this weekend. ( It seems like going through this process or perimenpause is leading me down a girly / pink sort of path . ) Then I got a breakfast to take home. Yes, it was a fast food breakfast, but I'm getting 3 meals out of that one breakfast and I rarely indulge in fast food. So much food for $7. So , I didn't eat over it. And I have Mr. D right beside me.
Saturday plan (as of Friday night): Don't obsess and don't over eat. A Blueberry scone as a planned treat-I just have to go get one.
To do: Get car serviced, go to Farmers market, yoga at 11 am. Then home and work around the house and walk the dogs.
Well, Saturday got highjacked. That didn't go as planned.
Journal entry 8am:
-"I woke up hungover(from what I don't know), fingers hurt, groggy, sad. Mr Pj not talking to me much-grumpy." We had a wee disagreement last night. We always say we love each other before he leaves for work, but we hadn't resolved it.
So I sat on the sofa and drank cinnamon spice coffee. I explored the internet-I've gotten sucked in to a couple of twitter feeds. I watched a bunch of meaningless reality tv and a creepy movie. I spent some lovely time meditating in the cool air outside with the animals and replaying the issues with Mr Pj and what I coulda , shoulda done differently.
No car service, no Farmers, no Yoga. Homebound and fully highjacked from my planned day.
And the food, my usual means of misguided self care: Breakfast and lunch might have not been Exactly , Perfectly within the calorie range I generally hope to follow, but it was pretty darn close. After that I journaled some more and decided to:
RECOUP THE DAY
Journal entry 2:45pm: "..there are things I need to do. time to recoup the day....."
But first a nap (more escape). I couldn't sleep.
So I just started cleaning out the fridge and then washing everything inside the fridge, sorting soon to expire items like jello and yogurt and cheese to the top shelf. I throw out old fruit or veg to the birds,rabbits, and squirrels versus in the trash bin--that seems more productive. The scary part was I had salad last night and apparently froze the remainder of the lettuce versus putting it in the frige. ouch! I worry myself sometimes.
Then I decided to weed the front garden which had something that might be poison ivy in it. Those weeds really tick me off . I put on a long sleeve shirt and went at it. Cardio and stretching and weight training and yard work all included. Torched up my metabolism..yeah!..
Husband comes home from work and we make up over our little tiff. And life goes on.
I got the blueberry scone and enjoyed it and froze part of it.
Back on track. But I wasn't really off. I just had body feelings and emotional feelings and kind of , sort of felt them and then covered them up with internet and tv and a little bit of extra food. I think through there was still a little reflection and productive self care going on.
Maybe that's what I should have planned to do in the first place, but I had to get highjacked to see it.
The simple truth is that I'm geeking out on tv, books, and movies right now. I'm not eating badly, mostly. I'm working long and hard crazy hours. I'm doing at least 2 hours at the gym and 2 hours of at home exercise every week. I go to bed early or on time during the workweek but stay up till 2 or 4 am on the weekends (catching up with my shows or reading). God bless the dvr creator and the Kindle creation team.
-Seen : Snow White and The Huntsmen--I really liked it. 4 Stars. I cried. Sometimes tears just fell down my face and I didn't know I was crying. I haven't cried at a movie in a very long time. Crying at movies was the only way my frozen chunk of a heart used to experience real crying. The movie has its little issues, but it is easily as epic and visually stunning as any Hobbit or Potter movie.
-Seen and Reseen a few times: Sherlock the British Tv series that ran recently on PBS. Un-Effing-believable television.
"His brain has more apps than an iPhone"
-Seen: The Mad Men season finale...woops? you mean that wasn't the finale ..wow!...all , I can say is wow. uber season.
-Seen: Game of Thrones finale. Definitely, the finale. Definitely. I just can't let myself read or research ahead to see what happens to Tyrion-the imp (my favorite character).
-Read: "Game of Thrones: A Song of Ice and Fire #1 "
I just finished book 1 and I'm taking a break from the kingdom for a while before I start up book two. Book 1 really heated up at the end though, and I was just a finger touch away from ordering book two on the purple Kindle when I remembered that it took me a solid month to read book 1. I need a break. And for all the Thrones fans "Winter is coming".
-Seen: Girls on HBO. Raunchey, but I love it. It reminds me of my 20's, and visiting NYC and petty 20 something self- absorption. Favorite character: Shoshanna-this actress is also in Mad Men but all of her scenes require re-watching over and over just for fun. The "crackaccident" scene and "the ladies" scene. you tube it. Am I too old for this? My husband hates it and thinks it is bad for me.
-Seen: Nurse Jackie on Showtime. Yep, I have all the cable channels apparently. I love this show too.
-Reading: "The Heart is the Lonely Hunter" by Carson Mccullars...old school. I can't believe she was like 23 when she wrote this ( she was a bit more literary than those 20-something girls in Girls) . I'd never read it before and had bought it at a used book store years ago. I'm in the mood for southern lit.
They filmed this movie in Alabama in the 60's and actually filmed a scene or two in my hometown. I was there and maybe only 4 or so at the time. I do remember the big lights they used. My momma was seen in the film for about 8 seconds wearing a pencil skirt and black cat-eye sunglasses. I was too busy playing on the antique fire truck to pay them any mind. But the seed was planted in my wee little heart for a love of movies.
-Heard: They are filming Amc's The Walking Dead here in the 'country suburbs' of Atlanta as of this week. I was considering a drive out to watch them film but then read that they only film Monday thru Friday when I'm working. Bummer.
-Seen: I caught most of The Smurfs movie with Neil Patrick Harris on cable and liked it. Then saw NPH and his partner being interviewed by Oprah. I heart NPH. The Smurfs were more my husband's generation than mine so he had to school me a bit to understand the Smurf mythos.
-And Finally, True Blood starts up again this coming weekend. I'm a True Blood fan, but the last season wore me out a bit. For the True Blood books' fans, if only Bubba was in this season.
If you notice I don't watch any of the singing and dancing shows or any of the nci fbi csi whatever shows. I avoid the Food network for obvious reasons. There are various things that I get sucked in to that are truly embarrassing and addictive (besides Girls) "Bethanny Ever After", "Don't Be Tardy For The Wedding", "Sister Wives", and "House Hunters".
I know ..Get a life. (Oh, can't wait to see Prometheus!)
Yesterday, I was in a big set up for a binge. But I really felt my feelings. I did something about it. I talked through it. I did not eat over it. I didn't even get to the place where I planned the binge though the empty bubble of anticipation did balloon over my head.
Here's how it went. I'd asked a friend to go with me to see a Coldplay concert I won tickets for several months ago. The concert comes up in about a month. My friend emailed me that she has just taken a very part time job and that she has to work on the night of the concert even though she did get off the entire week that she is going to be visiting another friend . At first I responded 'bummer ,but I understand'. But I realized I actually was a little hurt about it. I told my husband about it and he's like "that's not right. Don't you really feel upset?". After sitting with it a day or so I realized .."yep, I am hurt about it. It hurts that I wasn't chosen first. I wasn't a priority. And now I have to invite someone else. And just a recycle of the old feeling that I really don't have anyone in my life that really likes all of the things I like."
And yet, I do see her side. And I realize that the reality is, She doesn't even know who Coldplay is. (I know, right?) and I'm over it and I'll either ask a couple of other people or go alone. Been there, done that before. Sigh.
But the thing is I finally realized how I really felt. Hurt, not important, a little jealous, sad, isolated. I wanted to isolate and 'take care of myself' over it. But I could see from my behavior and feeling those negative feelings, that taking care of myself would involve a sugar, fat and carb-filled belly, a food coma nap, and Regret. Been here before--repeat repeat repeat.
I was stewing over it. I could see the choices sitting before me, and I was facing my friend. And then , what happened is that I realized this was wayyy old behavior. This reminded me of how I felt at 11 and 15 and 18 and 22 and 28 and 32 and 49 over other situations and in other scenarios. And I looked at it from another angle and another and another.
Because I believe in God and know that I don't look to God for help enough, I did that . It was a bit half hearted that look at God. And then something was already happening that I then realized was God acting through others towards me. Caring for me, a stranger , essentially taking care of me . (And not just one, several.)
And the dark heavy feelings lifted. And I made another choice. I then talked about it with my friend . How I really felt. I didn't want to change her or make her feel bad or wrong. I just needed to acknowledge and say how I felt, what I realized from the experience and that I was working through it. And then not isolate. We spent the day together and had a good time.
See, I've always felt I was a different age than my actual years. When I was younger I felt old and did have to handle things that were well beyond my actual age and level of maturity. Now that I'm older, I'm still learning how to process through things that I would have dealt with at a younger age. Life skills that I've not acquired because it's been easier to erase them with behaviors and thoughts about sedation with food or escape (books, tv, movies.) Even now as I approach 50 I still feel that I don't fit with my age group , at least not entirely.
I'm still growing up is the crux of this and probably always will be. I'm quite ok with this. Do I think I'll never eat over a situation again? Will I always feel and share my true feelings? Hey, I'm realistic and these are baby steps. But I relish this growth.
I'm a Geek for many things: Food, Pajamas, Coffee, Chocolate, Movies, Books, getting and being fit and healthy, 80's music, and the list goes on and on .....A nurse, a diabetic, I've lost over 130 lbs and have more to go . And I actually enjoy working out.
I chose the names of Ms. PJ Geek and PJ and Pounds because I have happy memories of childhood, coming in dirty and sweaty from playing in the yard. Then taking a bath, putting on a fresh nightgown and feeling all new again . I felt like a princess. Fresh renewal. .........
All names and situations will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, and so I can keep my job. While I am a nurse, I do not intend this to be a blog with specific directions or guidelines for healthcare. And.....though I have a college degree, that was a long time ago ya'll, and I don't remember proper punctuation or grammar.