Riding the Waves of Desire

google's photos


Sounds like a romance novel with a woman in a flowing gown with her shoulders bare and a dark haired man ready to savage her lips. (ok, yes I HAVE read too many romance novels)...Bear with me, it has to do with health and weight control and food /diet / weight obsessions.


But I looked at the calendar and realized January 31 is here, and we are officially about to embrace the chocolate month of February. Resolutions by now are forgotten or resolutely clung to by one's finger nails or just firmly hanging in there and not perfect. I didn't make official resolutions, but have , as I always am, working to be a better me-a better steward of my life. I fit the third category-firmly hanging in there and not perfect.

I realized today I haven't shared about this and it is something I use every day many times a day. Often, I actually visualize the metaphor. I read in my internet searching about "surfing over the waves" when one is battling addiction . The metaphor of literally just having wave after wave of addictive thoughts and desires and imagining yourself surfing over it. ( I do not recall where I read this, but I'm sure it would help if you wanted to read more to google it.) This example was in reference to alcoholism , but I think my diet/ food / weight control obsessing is as much addictive and destructive to me and my life as alcholosim is.

I am not a surfer--truly balance challenged, so I've had to adjust it.
I guess I imagine I'm just boogie boarding or floating over the waves. How often they come and the forms are so surprising. Maybe, it is really just becoming a practice of being more wise and taking care of myself and thinking through things. And asking for my higher power to give me a hand a little bit. Which is what I need to do not to respond immediately to my inner "I want it now" child -food addict--strict dieter---worrier and obsessing self.

Today, I have already boogie boarded quite a bit and it's only 9:30 am.

1. I thought about weighing . " I had that killer Pilates class and my abs are just now no longer sore and feel flatter.. I wonder what I weigh?"
There are then many more thoughts about weight, my body, guilt, excitement and then I remember this metaphor. AND that I only weigh on Thursdays for my sanity. That' my rule. Crested that wave.

2. While fixing breakfast this morning, I spy some chocolate with my little eye....."MMMM, chocolate. Dark Hershey kiss." Nope..... nada, NADA!!

I have found that completely restricting drives me to deprivation , drives me to over doing it. they are there . It isn't a sin for me. I've gone years without sugar and then gained a hundred pounds gorging on it. For today, it's there AND I can have it, but once I start having it it will be hard to control . I'd rather savor it with no guilt another time................Crested that one.

3. I became determined to take a water aerobics class tonight. " One more try at that gym and then I'll know if I want to change gyms." ( I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE GYMS but I think I NEED TO CHANGE GYMS) I call my friend who has a free pass I would use and it goes to voicemail..... I think about what I would wear. no swim shoes--I'll have to buy swim shoes! Do I have a towel? Oh, my hair will get wet! It's cold!(these are some of the thoughts)

But then I remember my sore throat. My throat reminds me with a tickle of my sore throat. "Wrong move, girlie. Wait till the throat / cold issues are over. Go to the current gym." Made it through that very tiny swell.

Now, I'm out of the water and on the beach. And very aware how easy it is to slip in to that thinking and that struggle with those waves. So I walk along the water's edge. I have a plan for today and I'm sticking to it and I can float over waves if I need to.

Tea, coffee, cocoa on Saturday morning

(photo from the coffee shop website--the table I sat at today)

Saturday. Yogi Lemon Throat Tea on Way to Nissan. Coffee at the Nissan place waiting on Stubbs -my baby. His first maintenance--I'm waayy attached to my Cube. Later a carwash. Shiny, happy Cube.

(photo from google of my Cube's twin cousin)


Then, I had a lovely Mexican hot cocoa at a lakeside coffee shop this morning after the visit with Doctor Nissan. This is a local coffee place with cool music "chill" from Xm radio and art and comfy sofas. This was formerly a Starbucks. Very groovy and laid back place. This brings out the inner me. Starbucks-what's your problem?

Saw "One for the Money"--the Stephanie Plum books movie. Ehhh. I should have seen "Albert Nobbs" with Glenn Close. I get upset when animals are in peril, so I can't see "Warhorse" , but I love horses and world war 1 films. hmmmm.

Healthy-ish lunch at Chipotle.

Dinner of Grilled cheese on "diet whole wheat bread" and a Little Debbie..oh my.


I just finished the second book in The Hunger Games trilogy. Can we say sucked in?Starting #3. I will pace myself..I just zoomed through that one. I can't wait for the movie in March.

Nursing my 'not sore' but not quite right throat.It's hard to explain. Hot lemon tea again right now as I start my new book. Cozy in my bed under a couple of blankets with a dog at my side and just enough light on for reading.

Not perfect but still wonderous and full of gratitude and little joys.

Foggy Mountain Retreat!

from google

So today back to the real world after a long weekend women's retreat in the mountains of North Carolina. A weekend where at times I was all over the spectrum. I felt out of place, in the right place, touched, humbled, strong, supportive, weak, out of control, laughing hysterically, joyous, and giving. I did many things-made arts and crafts, made smores from a rock fireplace, wore butterfly wings, slept very well, ate a little too much at times but learned a lesson from that. I played games , sang, and walked in the fog and rain. I drank plenty of hot tea and spiced cider, blew bubbles, prayed, and played charades with a large group of laughing friends who were not playing charades. And I wasn't drinking.

Our speaker, at one point, seemed to veer completely off the topic and addressed a subject that was featured in my nightmare of last week that had plagued me so. I felt what she said was a significant message for me and I felt blessed.

In the end, I learned a lot but was overwhelmed. There was so much to take in, and I was over saturated. I think I'll take away many lessons. One lesson is to just take my time. I can only do so much and that's ok. Better to soak it in slowly than to get flooded over. Another lesson, to lighten up! God loves me.

Back on Track: Getting Prodded In The Right Direction

After a deviation from my previously scheduled program of becoming a better steward of my life and my health, I am back on track. One day at a time.

I still think an erase button or a reset button would be good. We need an algorithm written that quickly resets us when we get off course.

In my case, the problem was this:

Anxiety and a Bad dream--more fear and anxiety --faith shaken----comfort , numbing, anesthesia, comfort from all the wrong places---lack of hope and depths of despair--until eventually I get tired of sitting in the muck on the bottom of the pond and come up for air to survey the damage and shake off the bad ju ju.

Here's what I need:

Bad Dream--"oh I'm scared and anxious"....deal with it but if all else fails,hit the reset button--back to taking care of myself in the right way.

Meanwhile, God and the Universe kept prodding me along.

Tuesday in the mail came my labs from my recent MD appointment. Still all good. And a leather bound journal from OPRAH with this message -

"We all want to make the most of our lives..to become the highest expressions of ourselves. It begins with your own awakening. There's no better way to find that aha! than by keeping a diary..."

(I think some time last fall I signed up to win a chance on one of her lifeclass shows and this was meant to come to me then.)

Wednesday- I find my mother's obituary on Ancestry dot com. I couldn't remember if her birthday was 01/18 or 01/19. Probably 01/18 since all I wanted to eat all day was breakfast food and that was her favorite meal. I found the obit of a friend who had passed at 38 years old at a time when we had not been on speaking terms. I felt inspired to "Live, dammit. for both of us".

Thursday --I open a package that came Wednesday from my employer-a wellness calendar with pretty pictures, with handy tips and motivational sayings. January-Take better care of you this year.

Got it!

I need an erase button, please

The highlights and low lights of my last few days. It can only get better. It has to. I'm going to a woman's retreat in the mountains this weekend and it couldn't come a moment sooner.


Friday
My friend's dad's wake----obnoxious woman , who I just met, asked me how much money I make. " That's not something I really go around talking about" and she rolled her eyes. I was proud that I didn't blurt anything out because I'd just poured a glass of scotch thinking it was wine and had taken a big swig. there was chocolate all over the place at this house. foreshadowing.

Saturday
Started off the day forgetful. I left the purse and money at home which I realized while I was in line for coffee at dunkin donuts. $5 bill stashed in glove department. woo hoo. java fix.

First water aerobics class was great. It was 27 degrees outside. The inside heated pool was freezing. Everyone promised me it was never that cold. The jacuzzi spa afterward -- heaven.

Charged up the Kindle and read half of a book.

The rest of Saturday--a blur.

SUNDAY
My husband was acting distant, it was him -not me/us but that always increases my internal stress drive and focus on food.

Went to church alone and teared up.

-Spent $10 at Moe's for grass fed beef steak on a salad. Spent $6 for taco bell for hubby and got twice the amount of food.

-Sunday afternoon is a blur.

-I talked to a friend who makes me seem relatively healthy, mentally and physically . I kept wanting to help fix him . Then I realized I really need to focus on me.

I think we watched The Italian Job

-Downton Abbey on PBS -I watched it twice. Golden (snooze) globes.


Monday

-Maybe the second worst dream / nightmare I've ever had on Sunday night. I couldn't even go in the bedroom after the dream the next day, it felt like there was bad ju ju. We changed the linens and I lit candles. Still shook up on that one. Can't even write it down .

I dream in 3D with HD technology and the bad one's get stuck in my brain in complete detail and effect me for days . Thursday will probably be another dream-focused therapy session. Can I get an erase button ?

-As a result of the dream and the bad ju ju I ate too much and used television as an anesthetic. too many movies, too much tv: The news' replay of the Globes, The Company Men. Somewhere. One Way to Val Halla. The Switch. and several Big Bang Theory episodes for the 2nd , third and fourth time.


Tuesday
Butt numbing work.

Too much thinking.

I'm over the Biggest Loser , 4 ever. Can't even watch 5 minutes.

Sorry this was a downer. But sometimes life is like that. When I look at it as a whole, there was a lot of escape going on and just..nothing... What a waste

Do you ever want to hit erase?

Fear and Freezing in Atlanta

Fear.

You never realize how crippling it is and how we harness ourselves to it.
It is hard to break away. Almost everything tells you to play it safe.
But when you step away you realize you should have , could have , before.


I attended a Flow class at the gym tonight-a combo Tai chi/Pilates/Yoga. It's been many months since I attended one. Arthritis. Fear about pain and limitations and love handles.

Could I do all of it ? No.
Did I do a perfect Star pose on one foot? Yes, but only on the left side. If I attend another class or start attending regularly depends on how I feel tomorrow night when the muscle soreness hits. If all goes well, a water aerobics class on Saturday - another fear.

I've walked on fire, driven across the country alone a few times, and dangled my feet over the edge of the Grand Canyon. I conquered a fear of public speaking and taught several courses to over a hundred people. I was momentarily strangled by a crazed patient once (Till I pulled a Tai Chi move). As a nurse, I've tried to save the lives of several people with my mind, hands and heart (while my inner soft side wept and hid in a corner).

The Fears sometime seem silly. Sometimes, they are as deep as the Canyon.
Step away from the fear. It isn't easy. But it opens possibility.
It feels good.

Temperature in Atlanta right now--exactly 32 degrees F

I hope this made sense.....to bed now.

Fortune Cookie Says......yep, even God speaks through them

Yesterday's snack was coffee and a fortune cookie.

YOU CONSTANTLY STRUGGLE FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT.

Aint't it the truth.

That deserved a laugh and a place of honor on my computer monitor. Now , my husband and I usually joke "in bed" after we read a fortune cookie. Yep, that too probably , but I haven't shared this fortune with the man yet.

I had to do a tricky thing which was to go to the grocery store after work. Armed with list in hand , I Krogered with the best of them. My husband wanted Large chocolate Entenmanns' Donuts. They don't do a thing for me, but I could not bring myself to buy them. 270 calories each. I can't enable THAT much ..he needs to do better . I've told him before he needs to get his own drugs.

Ok, but I did buy him the box of 10 small ones...AND...a box of Skinny Cow chocolate crisps (trying to bring him over from the dark side). For myself, I did well though I walked by and fondled the Christmas M and M's candy on sale for 70% off a couple of times. Fondled but did not purchase. I could not find one item at all--carpet deodorizer. Cleaners yes, and they mentioned deodorizing, so I got that.

I get home and get barked at for buying the wrong stuff and for not getting him what he really wanted. Barked is a soft way of saying yelled at. Memories of my OCD mother who would throw a real( I mean REAL) hissy fit , if I bought anything wrong at the grocery store ( like grape jelly instead of jam). He was pissed at me all night, but finally mumbled an apology as I got in bed later.

I ate over it. that's what I do. Arguments, especially over stupid and banal things like this trigger me. I didn't binge . I just ate a little extra this, a little extra that--we're talking around 250 calories. That, in itself, is progress as far as the amount of food and duration and calories. I consciously stopped.

The kicker is that before I ate, I had picked up my meditation book The Upper Room and started to read the meditation for the day to try to not go down that path, but couldn't read it because I was so --angry -hurt-triggered.

I just read that meditation this morning, and Smack me on the head! God, the Universe, and the fortune cookie were all there for me, but I blindly took the wrong path. The meditation that I couldn't read was about being really angry with someone and working through that anger to find peace rather than sitting with the anger and turning to temptation. It was a test and I failed.

But I'm so glad God's there smacking me on the head with little tests, because I know I'm on the right path and he/she's there for me.

Roll Tide!!!! National Champs!

In light of my last post this is cool. I graduated from the University of Alabama. And we romped on the Lsu Tiger's last night.

ROLL TIDE!

Late To The Party, and Flirted With The DJ Because I Was Being Chased By A Tiger?

photo from WWF

That almost sounds like a good song title.

It just came to me as whimsy does because I started reading Dave Kessler's book The End of Overeating -like, what 3 years or so after the big wave of fervor over this book. I zipped through part of it on the Kindle last night in no time. Coincidentally, I was eating the last measured cup of a cinnamon sugar popcorn that was a blissful butter/cinnamon/sugar/salt extravaganza that pretty much exemplified what I was reading in the first 4 chapters of the book. Yep, I'm an addict and I have a whole slew of dealers from Kraft to Kellogg's to Hershey's, just to name a few.

It makes sense and I kind of knew some of this , but reading about other people's food fixations and mixed emotions and behaviors made me a feel a little better. Not so weird after all. Better , because I'm in a little better recovery place than I once was. More aware and more willing. Better because my reaction is to assess what I'm eating and work toward reducing greatly the eating of and addiction to processed foods. I got pissed at the food / advertising industry and I want to be defiant. I'm responsible for my actions , but my dealers were spiking the party punch. Better keep reading the book , I think.

Then , last night I dreamed that I was in college, and I had no major. I couldn't remember what my mailbox number was at the student center. I wasn't paying for my dorm room and expected to be locked out. I had forgotten to attend a math class all year long, and realized it was exam time. Also, I remembered it was May and I didn't know what I was going to do or where I would live when the semester ended.(These are all recurring theme dreams for me all crammed in to one which is odd for a 49 year old who already has a degree/career.)

I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm walking across campus when suddenly a zoo full of big cats-leopards, lions, tigers, bob cats, lynx's and car sized Tarantulas are running all over campus mauling and destroying people. People are trying to take cover in buildings but the people in the buildings are trying to block them from entering. The military is starting to send in support , but they are killing as many people as the animals are.

I'm not able to run fast because I'm too fat and my knee/hip arthritis is hurting me. I try staring them down, playing dead , hiding behind trees, praying, summoning "the force", you name it. It works for a while, but in the end I had two big cats lying on either side of me about to take a big ol' bite out of me. I woke up with both dogs in bed-one with her head in my hand and the other snuggled up to my back.

Ha! But seriously, that was a symbolic dream and it just might get discussed with my therapist. I imagine my Cortisol levels were off the charts. I felt pretty crummy and shook up this morning. Fight or Flight all night long. I had no self energy left.

And then I had a thought: "Does this mean I need to be eating the Paleo diet?" For some reason, that cracked me up.

Weekends: The Challenge To Survive The First 2012 Weekend Without Blowing It (and a gush about really good TV).

“The weekend? What is a weekend?” as said by Maggie Smith playing the snobby Dowager Countess, Lady Grantham in the British Mini Series Downton Abbey (season 2 starts Sunday) and she get's some funny snarkey lines.

The first week end of 2012--ARGGHH!! The highlight for me will be watching Downton Abbey on Sunday night. But, I've got to keep it together folks. I think it's pretty common for weekends to be tough to get through for those of us with food issues or on diets. Weekends have historically derailed near perfect diet / exercise weeks for me in the past.

This was a good ( not perfect) week. My goal/food plan this week was no binges and no food or diet / scale obsessions. Goal met and I lost weight. I have binge eating disorder and restrictive dieting and diet focus escalates that, so I'm just so grateful to have had this good week. Even better it was a good week for my emotions, spirit,and mental wellness. When I say I want balance and peace in my life, this is as close as it gets.

My problem with weekends:
-- lack of structure
-- relief from being stuck to the chair / the computer / desk / phone of work tends to make be exhausted Friday night and then off track.
-- I tend to drink less water.
-- I don't always want to get out of my pjs to go to the gym on Saturday morning.
-- I make lists of all the things I need to do and get overwhelmed and stay home from the gym or a park and then don't get anything done.
---OR, I fill my day with either running around doing fun things and eating out.
---OR, molding my butt to be the same shape of the couch as I nibble through a few hours of television.
-- Sometimes I over-exercise one day and then I'm injured for a day or so.
-- We tend to eat out one or two meals of the weekend, and one meal at a restaurant usually results in a gain every time (just from sodium/fluid retention)
-- Naps after eating out.
-- Sunday night 11 pm comes and I want to hit the rewind button

It's not that it isn't ok to do some of this, but each weekend is a combination of all of the above somehow.

FREE TIME versus ME TIME versus all the things I WANT TO DO, NEED TO DO, DON'T WANT TO DO BUT HAVE TO DO. Inevitably, there will be things I just DON'T do.

And then there's the hubby, my food enabler and dealing with making decisions about food with him .

I'm telling myself now that whatever list I come up with --it just isn't all going to get done. One day at a time and One moment at a time.

Oh, but I will definitely , unless due to personal or world crisis or a loss of cable, watch Downton Abbey season 2 on PBS on Sunday night.

Good weekend to you all.

Resolutions broken yet? Just hang in there, One day at a time.

I didn't have any but I'm having the best string of"good days" in a long time..meaning no food obsessions or binges, thinking before acting, exercising but not hurting myself, taking a breath, tracking my food.

Praying for Help and BEING WILLING TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

I've been writing A LOT in my journal but mostly tidbits of wisdom I'm finding in books and on the internet and how it applies to me. I'm working on a vision board of some sort.

I checked my weight and it is down several pounds. I don't want to get caught up in that, but it's good to know I'm on the right track.

Fighting the urges one day at a time.

Read This, Not That, --Getting Lost or Found in the New Year

Sunday afternoon January 1 2012

Getting inundated with "New Year , New You" messages ?

I'm reading a few blogs and on about the fourth blog I see a link to a New York Times magazine article called "The Fat Trap" on the Well Blog by Tara Parker-Pope. I'd never heard of this blog, but saved it to my favorites tab after flipping through a few articles. The columnist Tara Parker-Pope and her blog are described in this way : "... she sifts through medical research and expert opinions for practical advice to help readers take control of their health and live well every day."

The article that grabs my attention is "Why Lost Pounds Come Back" and the description is this. " In this week’s New York Times Magazine, I explore new research that helps explain why most dieters who lose weight end up gaining it all back." But the article to read is really titled "The Fat Trap". I read the article and then started in on the 854 comments though I quickly burned out on them.

The comments are fascinating and offer as much information and 'food for thought' as the article. Some of the comments are from doctors , exercise or diet or wellness experts, weight loss maintainers, frustrated dieters, and skeptics. Many tout the books and plans and gurus that I read and hear about on tv and the Internet. I liked that from all of this I was able to easily find the actual research myself and was reminded about some of the books and blogs I'd come across before. I didn't see much about the addiction / eating disorder / recovery aspects of all of this, but I only got through about 100 comments before my brain hit overload.

In essence, it could be a little bit of a downer to read about the science or to read SO many different opinions. My take away-we are all different. Find what works for me. Expect that what works is going to change and change and change as I age, as my body changes, my perspective changes, my goals and my willingness changes. Clearly, there is so much more to this than about weight loss and body stuff. This is about life and quality of life.

I apologize that my linkey thing doesn't work. You can just go to www.nytimes.com and then click on "Health" and then you'll find it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html

Meanwhile and coincidentally on the television in the background, The Biggest Loser Season 1 (2004) is on as a marathon today on the Halogen channel. Fascinating. I liked the earlier seasons better, and I didn't even finish watching the latest season. I don't know (or care) who the winner was. The new season starts Tuesday and I doubt I'll watch.

What struck me then is this, and that is why I stopped reading the comments and decided to write this post. Ryan Benson who actually was the first season winner after losing 122 pounds makes a comment as they are practicing making healthy lunch choices:

"I know the changes I need to make . And it's a lifestyle-it's not just a diet. I've got to live this way the rest of my life. "

Exactly my view and yet the irony was that I knew the outcome for Ryan. After the show was over, Ryan regained all of his weight. I don't know if he ever lost it again. I know a large percentage of this show's contestants regained their weight.

Clearly, there are no easy answers. I just feel that this connected for me at this time almost as a gift to show me how much we know, how much we don't know and are still learning, and how futile it is to obsess and focus so much on this. But mainly I felt because of ALL of the variables there are, how truly useless and self-damaging it is when I throw in to this diet / weight loss thing my own mix of shame, guilt, regret, anger, and obsession when things don't go the way I want them to.

I know it's old but "One day at a time" is what I need to live by.

Now, I'm shutting off the TV and the Internet and will take a walk or hop on my elliptical just because I want to move. Or continue on the decluttering of my stuff.
Because I can.