Sunday, June 3, 2012
Saying How I Really Feel Versus Eating Over it.
Yesterday, I was in a big set up for a binge. But I really felt my feelings. I did something about it. I talked through it. I did not eat over it. I didn't even get to the place where I planned the binge though the empty bubble of anticipation did balloon over my head.
Here's how it went. I'd asked a friend to go with me to see a Coldplay concert I won tickets for several months ago. The concert comes up in about a month. My friend emailed me that she has just taken a very part time job and that she has to work on the night of the concert even though she did get off the entire week that she is going to be visiting another friend . At first I responded 'bummer ,but I understand'. But I realized I actually was a little hurt about it. I told my husband about it and he's like "that's not right. Don't you really feel upset?". After sitting with it a day or so I realized .."yep, I am hurt about it. It hurts that I wasn't chosen first. I wasn't a priority. And now I have to invite someone else. And just a recycle of the old feeling that I really don't have anyone in my life that really likes all of the things I like."
And yet, I do see her side. And I realize that the reality is, She doesn't even know who Coldplay is. (I know, right?) and I'm over it and I'll either ask a couple of other people or go alone. Been there, done that before. Sigh.
But the thing is I finally realized how I really felt. Hurt, not important, a little jealous, sad, isolated. I wanted to isolate and 'take care of myself' over it. But I could see from my behavior and feeling those negative feelings, that taking care of myself would involve a sugar, fat and carb-filled belly, a food coma nap, and Regret. Been here before--repeat repeat repeat.
I was stewing over it. I could see the choices sitting before me, and I was facing my friend. And then , what happened is that I realized this was wayyy old behavior. This reminded me of how I felt at 11 and 15 and 18 and 22 and 28 and 32 and 49 over other situations and in other scenarios. And I looked at it from another angle and another and another.
Because I believe in God and know that I don't look to God for help enough, I did that . It was a bit half hearted that look at God. And then something was already happening that I then realized was God acting through others towards me. Caring for me, a stranger , essentially taking care of me . (And not just one, several.)
And the dark heavy feelings lifted. And I made another choice. I then talked about it with my friend . How I really felt. I didn't want to change her or make her feel bad or wrong. I just needed to acknowledge and say how I felt, what I realized from the experience and that I was working through it. And then not isolate. We spent the day together and had a good time.
See, I've always felt I was a different age than my actual years. When I was younger I felt old and did have to handle things that were well beyond my actual age and level of maturity. Now that I'm older, I'm still learning how to process through things that I would have dealt with at a younger age. Life skills that I've not acquired because it's been easier to erase them with behaviors and thoughts about sedation with food or escape (books, tv, movies.) Even now as I approach 50 I still feel that I don't fit with my age group , at least not entirely.
I'm still growing up is the crux of this and probably always will be. I'm quite ok with this. Do I think I'll never eat over a situation again? Will I always feel and share my true feelings? Hey, I'm realistic and these are baby steps. But I relish this growth.