crazybrain --speaking body image stuff

I'm driving to yoga the other day and look down at my belly and thighs and suddenly I can't go to yoga. What was I thinking wearing this together? Bulges. I want to go home and change. But I want to go to yoga. I am not going to yoga I will be miserable. Hmmm, I want to go to Walmart and buy something for like $7 to change in to because I want to go on to the movie on schedule. I'm obsessed with seeing The Hunger Games for the second time ( my inner 15 yr old is whining). I buy a $7 pair of workout pants size 3x. Technically too big, but I don't want anything tight. I change pants in the car and go on to the movie.

Movie. Ahh, the 15 year old is happy. I eat popcorn ( which I planned to eat) and another treat to replace the Lara bar I couldn't find when I was getting ready. When the movie is over, I'm trying to decide what to do. I'm near a Chipotle's. I like their food, but I'm not hungry. But I'm near Chipotle's. When am I ever near Chipotle's? I am not really hungry. I can take it home. I can eat some here , take some home. But I have to go to Walmart and buy stuff and groceries. I drive past Chipotles.

I drive past about 8 different fast foods--little images pop up as I near them. ??? Do I want this ? or that? or this ? or that? But I'm not really hungry. I'll never make it through a Walmarts. I might get out of control. No Walmarts, not in the right frame of minds. Home.

At home, I think about what I could eat , but I'm not hungry . I just want to eat, so I can eat something yummy. Maybe I'll go to Walmart later. Hmmmmm, I'll read my book outside under the trees.

Wow, I forgot to obsess on food. I'll take a nap. Then, Maybe, Walmarts.

Later the husband is there and he's ticked off about something ( I blurted out a spoiler on a tv show last night). Before I know it , it's 8:30 pm. I start thinking about what I need at Walmart and then what are the possibilities. Nope. I'll get something I don't need. Plus , I'm really not hungry. I am miserable. I don't want to get up. I don't want to deal with the crazy food stuff. I go back to sleep and only wake up to pee my usual 2 times a night. Maybe sleeping through a Saturday night is a waste. Maybe it indicates I'm depressed. Maybe it just reset me and put my brain on hold for a bit.

Next day-it's a new day. I'm not obsessed. And surprisingly, I'm not hungry even though I last ate at the movie. But I eat a healthy breakfast. Later, I'm not too distressed over food choices as we drive past a 100 food places and have to pick a place to get my father in law food at. I make better choices. It's not the healthiest as far as 5 to 6 servings of fruit and veg type day, but it could have been worse. I still wanted ice cream. It was a crap of a day as far as dealing with a depressed person who makes my level of depression seem positively chirpey.

Next day--I remember how absolutely miserable I felt Saturday. I don't want to be that way. I hate the cliche' of starting a change in a diet or food plan on a Monday. I don't like the clothing sizes that feel good. I don't want to go in the wrong direction. I just put a little structure back in my life. But it felt good , safe, normal. Just doing what works and a big clamp down on certain behaviors which should stop some of the crazy brain .

And now , I actually do have to go to Walmart. But I have a list. it's ok.