Don't Got No Resolutions , Just Grateful and Working On Solutions

This is on my fridge.
I spent the last day of 2011 this way--

Morning: lot's of time spent on a heating pad, prayer, yoga, music, reading, journaling, stretching, and saying ouch and limping around a good bit. I woke up with an unexplained hip injury--maybe the aliens abducted me last night and lost the tractor beam for a moment..HA

Day. Visiting with a friend, listening, walking in a park but only a short distance, vowing to live a life of more purpose and health because I ran around this park last year. Shopping and then lunch with a friend.

Afternoon. A healthy dose of Tylenol arthritis-wow much better. A nap. Snuggles with Mr Kitteh and my dogs.

Evening: cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, writing a blog and greeting family and friends on Facebook. A healthy dinner, watching tv and or movie in pjs. Before or at midnight there will be a kiss and a prayer and maybe some Apple cider.

The last day of 2011 was random and kind of an amalgam of 2011 as a whole.

But this is where the hope for 2012 comes in. I didn't binge today. I didn't over eat or obsess about food. I didn't stare at tv . I didn't count calories today but I also wasn't out of control. I listened and gave support to a friend. I exercised my body even though I didn't hit a calorie burn or exceed at a challenge. I talked and asked for support from a friend. I would have liked to spent some of my time differently. And that brings me to 2012.

I'm just grateful for what I have and my hopes are to be a better steward of my life , my health, my gifts. I know that I want my life to have more purpose, peace, better health, hope, joy, self -honesty, self care, and caring for others in a healthy way.

Scale Speaks addendum--And what the doctors and others say .

I'm trying to find what works for me. Eating less calories and moving more --yes. But Dealing with the food addiction / binge eating disorder kinda over rides that. Partly I want that to get better, but I don't want to gain any more weight and want to lose what I just regained. Hard when you start bingeing and can't seem to stop till your sleepy and ready for a nap. A lack of self care here. I'm working on this always.

I saw my primary md this week, we discussed my weight gain, my increased depression and anxiety despite therapy and Prozac , and my binge eating disorder. We talked about solutions. Maybe see a psychiatrist to tweak the meds, continue the talk therapy , continue to find a food plan that will work for me. Maybe not OVER -exercise my 49 year old body as I've done in the past--my joints are complaining.
hmmmm

I saw my GYN doc this week, she suggested I see a weight loss counselor who will hook me up on Medifast--the high protein mixes of bars/soups/puddings/shakes and one meal a day of lean protein and veggies. I kind of rolled my eyes but then thought , maybe completely submitting to a plan where I have little control would help. Following a meal delivery system has worked for me in the past--I lost a good bit of weight on that. hmmmmm

My husband wants me to do Nutrisystem with him in a partnership for mutual support.

My therapist wants me to come up with my idea of a recovery food plan by our next session next week.

HMmmmmm. I'm reading blogs. Rereading my old OA materials. Rereading journals. Looking up what Dr. Oz says who I respect. Reading about some of the other diet thoughts and ideas out there. Rethinking what has worked for me in the past. Researching Meal plans on the internet.


OY!

I know that it all comes down to finding the willingness and desire to want to care for myself and stick to it above how good this will taste or that will make me feel.
Finding the willingness and the "stick to it ness" is the big thing for me.

The Scale Has Spoken: excuses and tenacity

Tenacious
1. Holding or tending to hold persistently to something, such as a point of view.
2. Holding together firmly; cohesive
(defined from www.thefreedictionary.com)

I started posting responses to other blogs today and realized I needed to post something on my own blog. I also changed my photo and my blog description. It isn't easy to admit that you've regained weight. I don't know what my new plan is or my resolutions or goals or whatever. I just know that a large part of me is ready for things to be better and another part wants to eat something really good and tasty. Ultimately, I know which part NEEDS to win if I want to live a life with quality. The thing is, that a life with quality for today is just one that has the food addiction behaviors in check. Weight loss will hopefully be a by-product of that but not become an obsession.

I must be a believer in "Tough Love"..I had my doctor's appointment today and will see the gyn doc tomorrow. I was in a strong moment of trying to be healthier when I made those appointments just days after Christmas. My food addict part is blushing and shrugging her shoulders. Yes, the culmination of both binge eating disorder behavior and just plain ol sinful eating for enjoyment of the last several months along with the escalation of holiday eating were there on the scale for me to see , and the doctor , and the assistant.

50 pounds more than my lowest of the last few years. I was JUST 20 pounds from my goal weight. Now I'm 70 pounds from my goal. And my goal is still putting me in the lower end of the obese category. A lot of loose skin is what I'm saying.

Already I want to explain or rationalize. I have binge eating disorder. I fell off the wagon. I got to my lowest weight in 30 years and kind of freaked out. I started having intense , bad and abuse -like weird dreams. I was working through things in therapy with an honesty unlike I had ever before. I started having panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I rebounded from the restrictions of dieting. My body was injured from the exercise-which I loved at the time. Stress. Work. Depression. Body image. Husband. Infertility. Life.

In other words, I wasn't using my drug of choice --food--and I started to deal with my stuff. Then, I started using my drug of choice again . Relapse.

I'd lost 135 pounds and it was never, ever a certain amount of weight week by week by week. So when other bloggers say I lose "this " amount of weight every week when I follow the plan" , I would think "what is wrong with me?". Now when I see or hear someone say or a diet plan or guru say --"You will lose between X and X # of pounds each week", I think that maybe that is the potential flaw in the whole weight loss world.( But I still sometimes think I've failed when it doesn't magically work for me. )

Essentially, I know there is more to me and my body and food and weight and emotions and life than losing weight to get to a number on the scale. I almost got there. I do NOT want to regain all of my lost weight. I already feel some of the symptoms I felt when I was at my heaviest. What would it be like if I regained all the weight?

I don't want to find out. I'm in it for the long haul. I would like to be the 80 year old white haired lady getting in trouble at the senior living center for dancing and playing my cool music too loud. U2, New Order, Duran Duran, Coldplay, The Smiths, etc, etc, etc, etc. Of course, that would be in the year 2042 and there will probably be computer chips implanted in our brains by then.

As humans, we are Tenacious. (maybe not like cockroaches). But still tenacious. Clearly , I don't have the answers. I'm still searching. I still get confused between working through issues without using food versus losing weight by eating a certain (amount , type, etc of food). All that other stuff comes in between there.

What I think it is , is this: Facing it and feeling it while Eating less, eating healthier, and keeping moving. Some forgiveness. Some forgetting. Striking a balance rather than always being at extremes, but not being stagnant either.

Well here is my blurt for today. I'll be reading and searching for answers, as always. And working out on my elliptical--soon to be named.

Post Festivus

New Elliptical--put together and worked out on. Ow!. no excuses. I'm so thankful.

Waffle maker--nom. nom....yes it works..now to find protein /high fiber waffle recipes.

Majority of chocolate given to neighbors. The sugar is leaving the house. I'm ready--

The meal: Turkey didn't taste good--AT ALL. It looked beautiful. The thermometer indicated it was the right temp. But it was a little too pink and gooey in some areas.. The sides were better than at Thanksgiving. What to do with that turkey? maybe a soup? tryptophan dog food? ugh. what a waste.

today is another day off, so I'm heading out to see a movie , maybe "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" ( have not read the book) and do a weight workout at the gym. I can't decide if I want to put the time and energy and veggies at risk for a bad turkey soup from a bad turkey.

any thoughts?

Happy Holidays (and what you don't want to do on Christmas eve day)

Hope you all are kind to yourself and others, care for yourself, care for someone else. Get some rest or have some fun or some of all of the above. Remember the good memories of holiday's past and lay the foundations for good holidays of the future. That is it for my wisdom and holiday wishes. Notice there is no mention of "don't eat too much or too little". Happy Holidays whether you celebrate Christmas or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or whatever


Now for a chuckle or some tears ' things you don't want to do on Christmas eve day, IN OTHER WORDS WHAT I'VE DONE ALREADY'.....

1. Look up the houses sold prices in your neighborhood and find that the house down the street sold for $31k, the average sell price is $66k, when you still owe $82k+ on your mortgage and want to move.

2. Lose your glasses with bifocals and have to wear an old pair without bifocals. You never realize how much you really need those bifocals. ERRR

3. Hear from your husband that he needs you to buy a gift for his sister.

4. HAVE to go to Walmart on CHRISTMAS EVE

5. Still have to wrap gifts--all of your gifts still

OK, IT'S NOT EVEN NOON YET. gotta get shakin'

I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A PEACE AND JOY-FILLED HOLIDAY

Thursday Snoopy Love

me likeee.

things that make me go hmmmm and the last one is a doozey

Lillie to the left of me, Trader Joe's bag in the center, Angel in my lap, pjs on my legs, and the kitteh was out of the shot but sitting on the sofa to my right.

1. new photo on blog header is of my cheap Kmart boots and old pjs under my Christmas tree...yeah, pjs are cool
2. After 2 years, our cat figured out what the cat scratcher thing is for.
"No kitteh, it isn't a throne".
3. Cheap k mart boots are no fun to walk in at Target
4. I'm about fed up with 'festive foods of the seasons' and damn chocolate everywhere and ready for the world to settle back in to January NEW YEAR " New YOU" , restart, start over, just do it, "diet mode"
5. Bags of coleslaw mix with chopped walnuts and adding in just a little chopped up fruit such as dried cranberries, or apple,or orange, or celery==my new daily salad
6. This household is set to receive a bundle o' Amazon deliveries tomorrow...where to put it all?
7. Pj geek is very happy that her major Christmas gift , purchased with yearly bonus and saved cash, is being delivered tomorrow. It's a mega Elliptical...not a cheapie one. I test drove several-like 10 or so and just kept coming back to this one. I commit to 10 minutes a day minimum for the first week and then move on from there. My knee is still a little beyatch and limits me. I still plan to keep the membership at the gym-it's time to resume yoga and weight training. But I need more cardio than walking my dogs. I'm also going to try out a gym with a pool that a friend goes to , but it's farther away than the one I whine about driving to now.
8. Yes, cabbage gives you the poots.
9. Time for bed and time to put my tmj bit in and take my meds--tried to skip the valium last night and paid dearly for it with ear pain and jaw pain. I'm working on meditation and prayer and relaxing but the jaw is like a vice.

10. Final hmmmm of the day. My friend, her dad in hospice, and I had a good ol party and laughed and told stories and listened to Christmas music and drank eggnog and southern comfort on Saturday night. We talked about Angels and God and craziness and relatives and joked about scoring medical marijuana. We savored new flavors and old ones. He talked of Christmas and she talked about how they'll manage when she goes back to work in January. I , the nurse, was thinking...ummmm? what? are they for real? but I nodded and smiled. They both wanted hospice, but maybe it's a pretend game when they talk this way. ...He seemed great, had started on pain meds , and had the best sleep in years the night before.

As I thought, he was peaking on Saturday and is today slowly releasing the battle that is life. But he is comfortable and happy and safe.

Why didn't I spend more time with him before then? Why don't we all spend more time with the ones we love or like or even arn't sure about? I knew this lesson and practiced it with my mother-in-law when she was losing her self to Alzheimer's. But it still is never enough. I miss my loved ones who are gone. I may have avoided them at times or screened phone calls or let petty stupidness or my own self involvedness keep us apart. BIG. Big mistake.

Occasionally, I'll be out shopping or driving around or at a bookstore or at Barnes and Nobles coffee shop and an empty feeling hits me. Maybe, I'm earnestly writing in my journal and sipping coffee...alone....And then I think about my animals at home. I'm the center of their world much of the time. More often lately, I usually pick up my pen and journal and leave B N and get home to wagging tails, kisses, smiles, yips, and an indifferent meow from mr kitteh as he rubs against my leg.

Isolating is a pitfall of mine. comfortable . safe. lonely. Totally missing out on the richness of community.

Makes me go hmmmmmmm. Makes me think. Now it needs to make me act.

Things that put the H in Happy Holidays for me this weekend

my santa was real and riding slow on his motorcycle out in the countryside


Not as down as last week..must be partially hormonal as my 'lady time' arrived late after several weeks and 2 pregnancy tests later....


Things that made me very happy or at least smile this weekend

1. Finished my Christmas shopping on Amazon in 10 minutes on Saturday
2. Delivered the rest of the Christmas gifts for my Alabama family to UPS for shipment and only stood in line about 5 minutes.
3. Delivered Christmas gifts to church friends on Sunday
4. Santa riding a motorcycle down the highway
5. I'm a nature buff- I saw wild Turkeys and a coyote on the side of the road (alive) this weekend. and several cows.
6. Went for an impromptu drive in the country through the foothills of the Georgia mountains just to listen to and chill out as I listened to a broadcast of a 1986 concert by The Smiths that was rebroadcast on Siriux XM radio from the Live from the BBC vaults. The same concert that I had front row tickets to in Atlanta that was cancelled that year. Finally , 25 years later I get to hear it.
7. Pulled over and bought roasted peanuts from a roadside stand that mainly sold boiled peanuts and had a little laugh and chat with the southern gentleman that ran the stand.
8. Saw a solid black dog running with an orange in his mouth
9. Played with Star Wars lightsabers with my husband at Target
10. Shared many laughs and qualtiy time with my friend and her dad who is in Hospice. We also had tastings of Vosages Choclate with Bacon --we all loved it. We also drank Wayyyyyyy too much Egg Nog and Southern Comfort whiskey. He drank us both under the table and he was on other drugs too.
11. Slept. A lot.
12. Watched the season ending of Homefront on Showtime.
13. Drove around and found a house with a "nativity scene on steroids" --lifesized statues of everything under the sun in a nativity scene set up. Santa, reindeers, marching soldiers, saints, nutcrackers, snowmen, full religious scenery. ....and more ...I have to go back and slow down again to see more.

I GOTs DOS HOLIDAY BLUUUEESS and a little Duke Ellington

This is just about my favorite Christmas tune right now. Duke's "toot, toot, toot" isn't bad either. It reminds me of the music from the tv series / movie "Twin Peaks".


Duke Ellington's "Sugar Rum Cherry" played by the US ARMY Blues ...from the " You tube" (There are a whole bunch of cool Us Army Blues videos on line--check them out. I know nothing about adding videos and copyright stuff..I'm just saying)

On a personal basis, All my buttons are being pushed. I'm lit up like an old fashioned switchboard of issues from past , present, and fear of future. Thank God for my therapist and my husband and My GOD who is very present in my life lately and with a sense of humor. His Angels keep steering me away from the fruitcake, seriously . Now the other stuff is around but apparently not as bad for me as the fruitcake...working to clear some of this crap out of my life right now. I'll admit it isn't all being thrown away but much is being given away.

Today is a good day. Each day this week has had tiny moments of goodness. I'm talking ---let's take a bath and wash my hair for the first time in 3 days-- level of depression was my "good" for the other day. And yesterday , I ate a healthy lunch and ran the diswasher. Can't say that the rest of the day was much better. I'm working long hours in the midst of this valley of depression. big fun.

I want to understand how a person can get sooo depressed while they are on Prozac. The holidays bringing up stuff, I guess. From my therapist's point of view it's revealing what my buttons are and that they need to be fixed and we have been having good sessions lately. Now if the bad dreams will just stay the f away.

On a more serious note , one of my best friend's dad just admitted to Hospice and I'll be helping out support him and my friend. THIS actually somehow gives me strength and yet gives them strength. They ask, I'll help, Prayers are needed for comfort for all having to deal with illness and dying at this time of year.

Holiday Magic?

I'm not especially fond of the song "Feliz Navidad"..It just kind of grates on my nerves for some reason . So yesterday while working, I'm switching the radio stations and I'm tired of the rock station I'm listening to and switch to a station playing holiday songs. Woop--"Feliz Navidad". AH, No. Nope. Switch again . "Feliz Navidad" again on another station. How can this be?

I switched to a pop station I never listen to and within 5 minutes they say "caller 100 wins tickets to the Coldplay concert on July 2--win it before you can buy it"...I start dialing. I'm caller #42. I'm persistent. I'm caller #100. They played my conversation with the Dj on the radio. I sounded very girly and ridiculous. I think the word "awesome" was muttered. Out of guilt, I listened to that station for a few more songs and then switched it again. The funny thing is I won tickets to a Coldplay concert a few years ago on another station . Must be my special talent.



That was fun

Hanged/ Hung ? ovah

yeah, this is the best google image that I'd already saved on my laptop that expressed how I kinda feel ----like this and in my pjs


TMJ is a bugger . Just imagine JAW popping, tightness, head aches, earaches, neckaches and (if possible ) eye aches. I have a $400 "bit" that I wear at night that the dentist fashioned for me which is supposed to keep you from grinding your teeth. If braces feel anything like this thing, Then I think saint hood should be bestowed on all former and present weares of braces. This "bit" or nightguard or tooth torture trinket is the one that just got made to replace the one I'd lost and have been without for some time. I found the old bit at the bottom of a box of junk the day after I found out that that Health insurance won't pay for the second bit. Grrrrrr.....

Tmj supposedly can be related to sexual abuse trauma. I have no memories of this but exhibit many of the symptoms that maybe something happened. The last couple of nights the weird / abuse type dreams have been playing on my personal mental dream cinema and my tmj has been rampant. The day before these dreams, I had my eyes checked and the eye doctor's office shares a wall with a pediatrician's office and I heard a kid screaming bloody murder. If I hadn't known about the ped's office I would have had someone call 911. It sounded bad. poor kid.

Ok then, back to TMJ- Who knew I was a teeth gnasher? I wake up chewing and chomping and biting all the time. Sometimes I'm eating in my dreams and sometimes I'm fighting off an attacker with a big ol bite. Treatments are: my bit, heat, motrin, I have a healthy rx for Valium and I try to use is sparingly .

Yesterday, Teeth Brushing was a cacophany and I had big plans for the day that I didn't want to cancel--so valium in the am. A dinner out for a special occasion and it was many hours later and I didn't think the valium would still be an issue, so a small glass of red wine in the evening. Later, curled up in pjs around 10 pm hot toddy of Coffee with a splash of Irish Whiskey. I started watching "David Copperfield" in black and white on the dvr. I fell sleep with my head tilted in my hand and lying next to my dog's butt. OWE. My husband rescued me about an hour later.

So church went fine today, grocery store trip fine. And then The headache just hit me 3:45 pm Sunday afternoon. I'm now heading to bed for "Sunday nap".

On a brighter note, I survived a trip to the fancier part of town and even a trip to Trader Joe's -'the devil's 7'11'. On an even brighter Christmas light / fireworks kind of note, my mammogram results came back with no problems at all even though my boob hurts and my eyes are good too.

Life is grand.

A Food Addict's Lessons From The Movie Chocolat

I give a big thank you to my supporters on my last post. Your 'voices' helped. On Monday I had to drive "IN" to Atlanta from suburbia, and there were no trips to Whole foods or Traderjoes. There were also no trips to any of the bakery type places that lure me with their siren calls of wonders and delights..Panera and Dunkin Donuts that means YOU !! I considered myself in BUCKLE DOWN MODE.

This weekend I'm going back to the same "in town , cool kid " part of Atlanta for an all day holiday house tour and will be challenged once again with not only those places I mentioned, but with an abundance of small artisan type stores and restaurants that abide there. Seriously , there are stores called "Chocolat" and "Chocolate Bar" and "Cacao" and Alon , a french bakery. It is a food addict's dream. It is a struggling and recovering food addict's nightmare. ...or at least challenge.

I've been thinking about that last blog post again , where I wrote about my 5 minute run in to Whole Foods : " And I wanted to jump in and flail about in the artisan chocolate display ". My quote now reminds me of the movie Chocolat. I lurve this movie but I only watch it when I'm in a good place. (Johhny Depp as a gypsy is one of the reasons I love it, but otherwise the actors in the film, the magic , France, chocolate!) I would love to read the book , but I'm not in that good of a place. But the story makes me think about these parts of me that obsess with food, in this case chocolate, and the part that abstains and strictly forbids it so I don't lose control.

I'm thinking of the scene where the Mayor of the town who strictly and morally abstains during the Lenten period from all joys and sinful goodies and imposes that sense of strictness on the town folk. Then a beautiful and mysterious woman chocolatier Vianne sets up shop in the small French Village. Her chocolate / her spirit seems to lure the village inhabitants to the shop, but then the magic happens and their lives are enhanced for the better.



Finally, the moral mayor's anger builds and he's had it with Vianne and her chocolate ways and the changes taking place in his village. He sneaks in and angrily wrecks the special chocolate window display that has been set up for the coming Easter holiday . A fleck of chocolate sticks to his lip and he licks it away. He suddenly is out of control and gorges on the chocolate and weeps and collapses in the window display .


We next see him waking from sleep in horror and guilt and Vianne helping him out of the display. His lapse will be a secret and he is forgiven. The moral mayor is a little less strict, a little more accepting , and more joyous the next day.

I don't have the answers. I don't even know the question. I think what I'm getting at is-- I'm the mayor . Being the strict abstaining mayor is the safer thing. Losing control and flailing in the chocolate is the nightmare worse-case scenario. I know my inner chocoholic wants chocolate, but the savoring of a small wonderful piece not the tasteless engorgement. Something to think about.

And it occurs to me to print out blogs and comments to keep in my pocket on adventures in to Atlanta / wonderland for a little perspective.

What do you think?
( with Thanks to Wikipedia and Google images for helping me share this post)

Friday Food Addict Confessions and a photo of my batwing arms and stuff about chocolate

addiction
I put a new photo up for the blog page--I like that picture--me posing on the Biltmore estate looking wistfully off at the mountains...Just doesn't work with the colors for the titles. Hmmm..more time this weekend and I may have to take a Christmasey picture to replace it. MAYBE , me in pjs in my Cube car.

The next photo below I like because it helped my body dysmorphic mind to see that I have not gained ALL of my 135 lost pounds back though I feel like it. My back and waist show me this. My arms show the ever present bat wings that I just have to accept and deal with as one who is morbidly obese and has lost a lot of weight...no amount of triceps work has been able to wittle it down and the knife is not an option.......




Confession time...
I'm not down at all. Just Tired and rushed because I have so much work to do.. work calls--this is a quickie fly by during lunch.

Yesterday we had our work "end of year " lunch ( the pc version name because we couldn't call it a holiday lunch or Christmas lunch)...it was pay -your-own-way but get-to-skip-work for a short time and meet-up with the folks I work with but only see at end of year get togethers since we all work at home.

I had a couple of gifts to get and have a boss who is as much of a chocoholic as I am, so I stopped in for a 5 minute run through Whole Foods to get the special holiday Chocolove chocolate bar (and one for me). Oh no--she didn't. uh yeah, I did.

Whole Foods is like a mecca for my inner food addict. Thank GOD!! I live about 25 miles from the nearest WF and Trader Joes. For the most part, I have to avoid them entirely which is a pisser because they do have amazing HEALTHY foods and fruit/veg selections unlike those that our neighborhood chains have. Then the voices in my head of my other parts tell me .."oh, you can do this one thing...go in with a plan and get out fast".

I even once had a trip to Trader Joe's with a nutritionist which was supposed to show me that I could do this and be a ' normal ' person. I had been avoiding Trader Joe's and Whole Food's for my sanity sake. That was my last visit with the nutritionist. I can't handle it.

But I really wanted that Holiday Choccolove bar, I mean, I wanted to get one for my boss. So I had a 5 minute run in to WF. This place frazzles me and hypes me up to no end. I know that the majority of people in this world do not have this problem and this may seem crazy.

It is kinda crazy. It is not safe for me. They didn't have the holiday bar, so I got her another kind and me another kind . And another kind. And another kind. And a half pound of gingerbread. And I wanted to jump in and flail about in the artisan chocolate display. I got the hell outta there. I split the gingerbread with my hubby. I want more.

Most of (my) chocolate is still in the bag and the gifts have been given. I'm telling myself--that's it for chocolate between now and the holidays. (But I know it isn't really going to be that way) The fact that they didn't have the special holiday bar nags at me and I know I'll be in the vicinity of another WF on Monday. I don't think I can handle it. I need someone to reply on here and tell me "No way , jose". I know that for many people Total Abstinence of certain foods is the only way. ARGGGGGHHH!

Thank you, confession over.