Winter Gratitude

yummm

It's cold, I'm working and it isn't even 7 am yet and I worked late last night. Perpetually behind. Time to count my blessings.

Christmas music--sometimes I just want the 'classic' music from the 40's and 50's--Bing Crosby or Perry Como or Percy Faith. And sometimes I want to hear Joni Mitchell's "River" or Josh Groban or John Lennon or remember Band Aid's "Do they know it's Christmas?" or especially Bruce Springsteen's "Santa claus is coming to town"....I also love listening to Chritmas music from the Christian music scene--Mercy Me and Jars of Clay.

velvet voice and a cutie

The music is what I most miss when the holidays are over.

Old Velour PJ pants when it's cold

My $12 suede / leather ? pile lined Kmart boots

Heat in my house and particularly the spaceheater in my office.

Good hot coffee with a little more creamer than usual

Kleenex

Burts Bees lips balm

Vanilla lotion from anywhere

There's lots to be thankful for. Happy Wednesday.

cyber monday? Naw.. get my act together Monday while I'm still working all day long

No Black Friday / Cyber Monday for me. Just dropping a quick note. I don't have much shopping to do, thankfully. For me, it's hard to go out and buy a lot of stuff for myself and my husband because we already have so much. For that , I am truly grateful. Now repairs to what we do have is a whole notha story. I'm going to be looking for some new flooring soon. Also, I'm trying out ellipticals at the sporting stores, but they are soooo pricey. Meanwhile, donating cash to the foodbanks-best Christmas gifts you'll give.

I did score some new socks for him and half price cheap suede? or leather? ?boots/house slippers? like UGGs from KMART. I can't see paying the UGG prices. K mart/ Walmart / Target/ Old Navy are good enough for me. When I worked in the corporate world, I bought the pricey stuff. Either way, my toes are warm on this wet and cool Monday . We have the promise and hints of a snow mix for tonight. We nearly hit 80 degrees a few days ago and I wore shorts all weekend..love living in the south.

Relapse?
I'm working to get a little more proactive and responsible about food and exercise..not so much for a number on the scale though the numbers are scarier than in several years. Truly because I hate the guilt , shame, worry, grief, anger, fear, and disappointment in myself. I went to the little neighborhood coffeehouse and journaled this weekend. I read some of my old journals from a few years ago, and I read about relapse. I've exercised more since Thanksgiving day than I have in a couple of weeks and it was probably 40 min to 1 hour a day but not super intense.
My knee is still an issue.

This is a lifelong battle though I wish there were a quick fix. What most sparked my notice from the old journals(and I only got through some of 2007 and 2008) was that my weight loss took off when I buckled down to even just 20 to 30 minutes a day of exercise and simple foods and daily treats. I was losing weight when I was having treats and chocolate. It seems that I had to drop the calories , increase the exercise, and drop the treats along the way to continue to lose weight and that may be when the obsessing about food / diets/ weight got worse.

I also think the obsessing and worrying and diet fixation got worse when I started blogging and really delving in to blogs. Sometimes reading blogs helps, and sometimes it really doesn't. I'm starting to think that some blogs make me more food crazy, some more guilt ridden, some just confused. What is the right way? Paleo, low carb, plan x , plan y, food this or that--it all seems to make sense and then make no sense at different times. Some blogs have helped me just get through the day though. No answers here.

Got sidetracked--So Back to my paper journals, and this is the biggie about my journals, the more I journaled my thoughts and feelings and hunger scale , the better my weightloss. When I just journaled food and exercise, I seemed to be revolving up and down the same numbers.

just trying one day at a time still

discovery starting over tried and true

"How did it go?"

time to hit the gym or at least the floor--my own dogs are still in a trytophan haze--they get all the dark meat of the turkey

Pjs: 'I want coffee' fleece pjs
Coffee: Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla with spiced vanilla rum creamer-delish

No early Black Friday doorbusters for me. I've got the turkey stock simmering on the stove and I'm watching the morning news shows while I check out left over recipes. This can be a dangerous path for me. So I came , I found the recipe I want to use, and I'm done. Food addict that I am, any Food network site or recipe site is a path to the dark side for me. I kind of want to venture in to the world and go shopping but I really don't need anything. I am looking at ellipticals, so maybe check that out. Also, a visit to the gym maybe on the agenda.

So Thanksgiving went well. My Plan worked and I didn't obsess and ate less probably than in the past. I still ate a lot mind you. No carb left behind. I took 2 walks and did about 40 minutes of leg exercises and stretches. I have no illusions that I'll be Losing any weight but keeping things calm in my head and maintained on the scale is my goal. We got our meal from Publix and it was the easiest thing.

I'm still working on my Gratitude list-it's morphed in to including good memories
list too, and my goal is to come up with 100 things. Living a life with thanks and gratitude--keeps the bad feelings away.

I came up with this "What to Do " list for dealing with the holidays but it struck me that this is really a what to do list for every day. I'm adjusting it and this is my plan for today and maybe everyday.

*******WHAT TO DO-post Thanksgiving version********
Write out a gratitude list. I am thankful for many things-put it in black and white.
Write out a guideline or a plan for eating on the day.
Walk the dogs and plan some other exercise for that day.
Take a nap or go to bed early is sleepy.
Journal.
Pray.
Read a book.
One day at a time.
Just Breathe.
I am ok.
Start where you are.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Yes, I'm A Food Addict. Are you? ...and it's tough and it's Thanksgiving week. and what am I going to do about it?.....

For work today , I took a required learning course about substance abuse addiction. Just reading the DSM IV description of addiction and going through a questionnaire similar to the following one made me angry and sad and scared and slightly full of panic. I am no different than a person that snorts, smokes, shoots illegal drugs except that my drug is everywhere and is legal and abundant. It's everywhere and it wasn't mentioned in the course.

I'm addicted to food. I know this. It's not a surprise. I've been living with it, recovering from it, relapsing , recovering , etc etc for over 40 years now. But again hearing it and taking a frigging course about it pushed me to Defcon 4..Red Alert..whatever...It IS THANKSGIVING week !!

I already actually had one family gathering and Thanksgiving meal this weekend. I planned out and wrote out my guidelines for the meal and stuck to it. Eat turkey breast and little servings of only the things I really want, but only small seconds on two things. Don't fill up on bread and Don't over do dessert. I did it. I had a very small roll, less than 1/2 piece of pie. A few too many sausage balls, I admit. Overall, Much less food than I've had in the past. I eat slowly and I savour good food. I felt I was eating too much and was embarrassed because it seemed like I was eating more than anyone else. I was too full afterward. sigh

After working late tonight to finish the required course, I had to go to the grocery store , and I was hungry. I know that is a recipe for disaster, but we really needed some of those groceries . I did fine at the store. But as I made dinner, I had a mini binge of nibbles and nibbles and extra this and that's and even more of that.. My heart beats faster from the food I ate. Too much. I should be calmer since I learned I don't have to cook for anyone on the actual day other than for myself and my husband. I'm going to order one of those grocery store-made holiday meals. Better that than perusing recipes and more shopping.

I remind myself "One Day at a Time" --- "One bite at a time"--
"Start where you are" --"Just Breathe"--"You are ok"

The course recommends that the recovery involves Cognitive Behavior techniques. Learn to define, recognize, and avoid Triggers and the causes of " erroneous thinking " that leads to these behaviors. Get Sober support. 12 step or like therapy. Develop coping techniques to avoid the triggers and behaviors.

The learning course I have to take tomorrow is about anxiety disorder and the final one is on depression. These are topics I know all too well also.

**************** Ask yourself? The Questions*******************

I copied this questionnaire from the addictionsandrecovery.org website. These questions are almost identical to the questions in my course and are what the DSM IV bases the criteria for addiction.

"Answer yes or no to the following seven questions. Of course, change drug or alcohol to food.

1.Tolerance. Has your use of drugs or alcohol increased over time?
2.Withdrawal. When you stop using, have you ever experienced physical or emotional withdrawal? Have you had any of the following symptoms: irritability, anxiety, shakes, sweats, nausea, or vomiting?
3.Difficulty controlling your use. Do you sometimes use more or for a longer time than you would like? Do you sometimes drink to get drunk? Do you stop after a few drink usually, or does one drink lead to more drinks?
4.Negative consequences. Have you continued to use even though there have been negative consequences to your mood, self-esteem, health, job, or family?
5.Neglecting or postponing activities. Have you ever put off or reduced social, recreational, work, or household activities because of your use?
6.Spending significant time or emotional energy. Have you spent a significant amount of time obtaining, using, concealing, planning, or recovering from your use? Have you spend a lot of time thinking about using? Have you ever concealed or minimized your use? Have you ever thought of schemes to avoid getting caught?
7.Desire to cut down. Have you sometimes thought about cutting down or controlling your use? Have you ever made unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control your use?

If you answered yes to at least 3 of these questions, then you meet the medical definition of addiction. This definition is based on the of American Psychiatric Association (DSM-IV) and the World Health Organization (ICD-10) criteria.(1) "

***************************************************

I don't know that this has to define me. I didn't post this to be a downer. I posted it for me and for anyone else that chooses to read it that can relate. Heck, for thanksgiving week many folks go overboard with food. But this is different. Essentially, I feel I'm always working towards a solution to the addiction and doing pretty well except when I just give up and over eat and keep eating like tonight. It would be too easy ( too stupid) to just say "oh , screw it and enjoy the holiday food".

This is how I plan to approach the coming turkey day holiday . I'll let you know how it goes.

WHAT TO DO
Write out a gratitude list. I am thankful for many things-put it in black and white.
Write out a guideline or a plan for eating on the day.
Getting a pre-prepared meal or going out to eat to avoid left overs and obsessing on Paul Deen recipes. (or fill in other chef 's name)
Walk the dogs and plan some other exercise for that day.
Take a nap.
Journal.
Pray.
Watch the parade.
Read the paper. Look at black friday ads even though I'm not going shopping.
Read a book.
One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.
Just Breathe.
I am ok.
Start where you are.

Mid week of week off

from the internets

Too lazy to pull the memory card from my camera and plug it in to the computer,
But I've got some great photos to share, eventually. The first of the week we took a blink or you'll miss it trip to Biltmore in Asheville and at the end of the week will be an early Thanksgiving with my Alabama family. The highlight of my Asheville trip was a long walk across the hills of the estate.

Food is all over the place but getting better. Still working the One day at a time theme to get me through it all. I've been reading blogs and have been inspired by some and not by others. I will take the inspiration and figure out what will work for me. I am not going to freak out about Thanksgiving. I will be wise.

I had an awesome hot toddy at a tavern in Asheville N.C. Jameson whiskey, water, cloves , lemon , and a cinnamon stick. Halfway through, it hit me hard and I nearly melted and slid to the floor. That's my second drink in November and I had one in October and then before that probably none. I'm not a big drinker. I prefer my calories in bread or chocolate.

But I may have to buy some of that Jamesons.

Tomorrow: dental visit, errands, prep for weekend trip, gym time.

Hot Toddy

photo from the internet and I may have to track down this article / book whatever for more recipes..

My inner food addict knows how to soothe me--food Food FOOD FOOD!
I work at remembering to stop the automatic reaction and delight in going to food to think of other things to soothe me. Often I don't even know what I'm trying to soothe. I think there's the day to day stuff and worries, but also the 'post traumatic stress' of various other things in our pasts.

Yesterday, was my last work day until 11/21. Having a week off from work is great to unwind and remember how to exist with out that daily grind. From now until the end of the year at work we've got more work and less staff. I worked 12 hours yesterday and was beating myself up the last hour because I could see little opportunities I'd missed in my work but could do nothing about it because of the lateness of the hour.

Going to the gym to Zumba had been my plan all day but rushing through the work was not going to get me there. It was too late to go by the time I finished work and now I was so uptight that I almost felt I was having chest tightness and back pain and just general anxiety.

I just wanted to put the Christmas lights on ( always on the mantle -but only on for cozy times) and watch tv and pet the dog. I sliced up some eggplant, tomatoes, broccoli, garlic, and carrots and spritzed with olive oil to roast in the oven and then thought..hmmmm a a warm drink would be good..not coffee..not tea. A hot toddy.



Many years ago on a Christmas time trip to NYC I experienced my first hot toddy at the Empire diner and became hooked. I live in the South -not big hot toddy country.



Last night I wanted a hot toddy. So I concocted one of cranberry juice, water, Disaronno with a cinnamon stick in a mug. At first it was like cherry cough syrup. Ewwwh.!..then a splosh of brandy and more water and a splosh of cranberry juice. More heat.

OOH. I can do this.
kinda looked like this..

I settled on the sofa, the cat got in my lap. The dog sat beside me frustrated and then got in my lap also. I started sipping. I suddenly realized how uptight and tense I was. I started deep breathing and focused my intention to just relax. 12 hours on a computer and phone with only bathroom breaks and a 20 minute dog walk.

It took half of the toddy and I was smoothed out. Then, cheese ravioli and roasted veggies. Then 3 squares of a Hershey Chocolate bar. I was ready to go to sleep by 9:30, but managed to stay up and watch a Materpiece theater mystery movie on pbs and then went to bed.

I'm not a big drinker , but it's good to remember that there are other things to savor and enjoy to comfort and relax me. The cat, the dog, the lights, the breathing, the toddy, and the good food..it all worked together.

Got any hot toddy recipes?

One Day At A Time

A park near my house-

One day at a time.
Wise words from the encourager's on my blog and on other blogs I visit and OA literature I read. Thank you .

One day at a time.
I've heard and read it a thousand times. I've said it and written it at least a hundred times.

I forget it on a daily basis.

I let myself get stressed and worried about the future.

Our work schedule for now to the new year was set in stone probably a couple of weeks ago at about the same time we had a massive early retirement wave here at work ( versus the lay offs that happen at this time every year.) In other words we are "doing more with less". Lot's of people take time off between now and the end of the year , so even MORE with less. It's always a stressful time of year work wise which bleeds in to everything. When will I exercise? How will I be able to relax, sleep, enjoy the holidays, keep from gaining a hundred pounds?

I also get very stressed thinking about and experiencing holiday foods / eating.
Just walking through Krogers and seeing the holiday foods, the special cookies and treats, the displays of baking ingredients, etc etc...OY! It pisses me off, because it's there. I shift my eyes away, I hurry through this section or that, I hold my grocery list before me like a shield.

I''m a food addict. I don't go to a certain area of Atlanta, a vacation, a party without thinking about food and planning for it. I try to avoid that too , but sometimes the planning and preparing is better. I'm off next week and going out of town for a short trip. I'm both excited and anxious.

One day at a time ..One day at a time..One day at a time..

For The Record, Stuck

I've been looking back at my own blogs to see where I was in my head and heart in the past. I do that when I'm struggling, but also because this blog will reach a 2 year anniversary soon. Sometimes, it helps me, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, I'm shocked /surprised/amused/ashamed to see that I'm in exactly the same place.

It's these times I wish I had a blog back when I weighed 345 and was starting out on my journey. I had just looked back to last years blogs and could see the same patterns and thought processes of what I'm going through now. And my weight is similar, but there are differences. Some more road traveled, wisdom gained. But ultimately, the insanity continued since I keep repeating some of the same behaviors over and over without seeing different results.

What are these blogs for? Sometimes, I'm touched when I read other's blogs. Sometimes , I see myself as I am or as I want to be. Sometimes I get pissed off and I bite my tongue and staunch the desire to reply . After reading some blogs that I've read for over 2 years now I see the patterns in their behavior and thinking and the stuck-ness they are in . I see it in mine.

Here's part of a post from November 2009 in the early days of this blog.

I've been thinking of what my intention is for this blog. I've lost now 108 lbs, but I've been circling the 230's for about 3 months now. I think I need this blog as a way to tell me, my own story. I've recorded my weight loss journey in little spiral notebooks..what I ate, thought , drank, exercises, my feelings, my blood sugars, everything. That's a lot of books. And then there are those little Weight Watchers books with my meetings/weights charted and sprinkled with gold stars. There were the nifty little grafts and charts with measurements from a year at Curves. And the little diet sheets and notes that different nutritionists gave me along the way . Some /most of it is in a box, but it's a bit cumbersome to pull out. When I look in the mirror I see me and it's hard to see or judge how big I am . When I see people in public or in magazines or on TV I can't tell if I'm bigger or smaller than they are. I'll ask my husband for confirmation on this. And this isn't new. When I was gaining that weight to get to 345, I didn't realize how big I was.

I have to remind myself that I'm not the same size I was before. When my knees and shins and hips are hurting from exercise I have to remember it is from exercise not just from existing or trying to get out of bed or walk to the bathroom. While at times I feel athletic and full of energy at other I still feel and look big. My clothes were at size 30/32 and now I can wear 18/20 or most 2xls depending on the cut of the clothes.

In the last 3 months that my weight has sort of plateaued I've tried to be more strict, follow my plan one way or another . There have been birthdays, mini vacations, and eating out on occasion. Oh and the beginning of the "Chocolate Holidays": Halloween with Christmas right on it's heels. Even though I don't partake that much I deal with the stress, the deliberations, the talking to myself in my head moment by moment.

I want to go through all the journals to write the history of this journey as much for me as for anyone that would be interested to read it. I've had to change and re- define my plan all along the way . Minute to minute sometimes, so there have been a lot of changes. But rather than cover it all now. I'll just start with this.

My statement or rather my Rule for my weight loss
This is what works for me today . For progress, It may(will) need to be changed. It will be harder to do , be less calories, take more time, take more exercise than I think it will or should. But it is working.

FOOD:
I'm an addict. I have to eat food to live. But I don't have to think about food all the time. Drool at commercials. Obsess. The problem is that when you are trying to lose weight , you have to think alot about......food. In it's barest essence, Food became my comfort, the thing I could reward myself with or console myself, the sure thing, obtainable, comforting, calming, numbing. And it tastes good too.

So I ate my way to 345 and as a nurse this was embarrassing and also terrifying. I know all the things that can happen to a person who is obese and doesn't get healthy . The trials of my patients sadden me, frighten me, and motivate me. When I hear about my alcoholic patient whose brain is essentially dissolving , he can't walk or talk or even think.... and I think..why can't he just stop drinking. Oh , oh yeah, why can't I stop overeating and start getting healthier..........

I am still in this place in a way. I'm not sure what I want as the outcome for pointing out my own insanity. Maybe at a minimum it's just good for me to put it out there and to mark it for posterity when I have another blog anniversary. I'm not satisfied with where I am in mind , body , and spirit. In the last couple of years I have been at times. I want that.

Put up or shut up!....Go for it! ...Just do it!

Little slogans...mantras...affirmations... I use them.

This week it's been "Put up or shut up" meaning:

PUT UP either put up with the aches and pains and groans and moans and "oh woe is me my weight is climbing" and " oh crap! the holiday food challenge is here!"

or

SHUT UP--shut the heck up and do what works to do something about it. Just doing something feels better than not and putting up with the consequences.

I just popped a Halls Honey lemon throat drop..throat is getting scratchy and I just sneezed a couple of times. The drop has little slogans and this drop said
"GO FOR IT!"


So, Like a mule putting it's head down to pull a too heavy wagon I've been doing it, going for it, shutting up and doing.

But it feels like this sometimes

They came , we gave, asleep by 10:30

tricked, treated, tired

About 70 mini bags of pretzels and cheese puffs
1 bag of twizzlers
1 bag of starburst
1 1/2 bag of assorted chocolates
--and then my own private stash of mini popcorn and raisins and planters peanuts when we were running out of candy and had about 15 kids show up.

ALL gone by 8:30 ( save 3 twizzlers , 1 popcorn, 1 rasin box)
My husband and I went out and de-Halloweened the front porch and shut down all the lights.
Closed.


Best costume: smurf versus Captain Jack Sparrow

Best personality: The kid dressed up in classic black and white striped gangster outfit including fedora and tommy gun who kept saying in his best Al Pacino "Scarface" accent "I'm Tony Montana!"

Worst costume: the adult mother in naughty French Maid ( or was she a naughty nurse or naughty Alice in wonderland) shopping at Publix with her kids. This was a big, tall woman who did not need to be wearing thigh high stockings, bustier, garters, high heels, mini dress outside of the bedroom. The teenage bag boy and I just looked at each other, no words required though I had to say it "that should not be" and he replied "In front of her kids".

The hubby and I are both so glad the chocolate is gone gone.