This is a post I wrote a while back that wasn't at my birthday but was appropriate for a birthday post. I will turn 49 on Saturday. 49 is significant because my dad had a major heart attack at 49, so a lot of this healthy living, exercise , and weight loss stuff is in response to that being over my head for the last many years.
I don't feel 49 at all except when I wake up somedays with arthritis pain and my back and hip and knees hurt.
Saturday , I'll be living the so called pseudo "VIP life" at a casino hotel in Tunica MS with my aunt , my sister and her fiance'. My aunt is the vip ( meaning she is a somewhat high roller), I'm just in the entourage. My honey husband will be at home with the pooches..he's not in to the casino trip thing. We are celebrating my birthday Thursday. Working to keep the healthy living me in control.........Happy birthday to you other Libras out there! See ya in October.
Quick Glance in the mirror Pull out that Remington Personal Groomer-buzz kill the chin hair Check the Clairol Nice n Easy Perfect 10 Light Chocolate Brown -the color is good, gray is gone, looks 'vibrant' But the amount of scalp starting to show through is a concern.
Hot and Sweating, Freezing Cold. Hot and Sweaty , Freezin Cold Tummy aches--go for the soup and toast Next day-Aunt Flo makes her appearance, though a ghostly one Cramps-only an echo of the past So that was what all that was about..well, it has been 3 months Ah, Perimenapause
Left pinkie hurts when I type an A, a Q , a Z. Rt knee hurts from walking and doing squats 2 days ago Back hurts-mostly all the time in some fashion Pop another Aleive
Radio plays REM, U2 , B 52s. Radio plays Mumford and Sons, Kings of Leon, The Decemberists The old bands still make "New " music The new bands sound like the old bands circa 1985 retro
But I slam danced and wore cool clothes once My hair was asymmetrically bobbed with shaved sideburns I danced till 4 am and then suffered abuse at the hands of the bee-hived geriatric waitresses at the Majestic diner like all the other 'after club' goers I still get a chill and sing along to that Til Tuesday song or dance to that song by The Smith's
I still like Ally Sheedy's look in The Breakfast Club I still remember looking like that in the 80's in New York once at the MoMa museum Monet Water Lily exhibit
That is when I felt the most ...me But not really..the me I thought I wanted to be...maybe
My therapist is reading a book about Willpower and psychologists who study willpower and have found that it is like a muscle. We can flex it and use it but eventually it gets exhausted and worn out. It needs to rest. Then start over. I guess.
Apparently researchers did tests where the subjects had to exhibit self control, but before those exercises they were offered chocolate chip cookies to either indulge in or try to exhibit control over. The folks that had to exhibit control to avoid the cookies didn't do so well in the self control exercises. They'd already exhausted their ability to exhibit self control.
We talked about this in relation to how I do well for a while and then slip in to the pit. The pit of eating my favorite things, thinking about food, looking up recipes, watching food network shows, obsessing about baked goods..etc .etc..etc...
It also seems like the more strict and more restrictive I am when I'm exhibiting willpower is relative to how deep is the pit and how long it takes to get out. That pit gets pretty deep at times.
I've been thinking about this for the last couple of days. I just googled it and read in more detail about this. I've also slid in to the pit of sorts in the last couple of days...darn you Hungry girl and Pioneer Woman!
It does explain how I do so well with a diet , then question how well I'm doing with a diet, and get disappointed that it takes a long time for this body to show results (takes longer to see results when you've already lost a bunch). Then the slide in to the pit.
The pit involves intentional enjoyment of foods I'd put on a pedatsal and avoided , then less enjoyment but just rote usage of food, and then the feelings of disgust and demoralization. And then gratefully, the coming awake of that desire to be more and to be better. The climb out of the pit. That will power muscle is rested and flexes once again.
I slid in to the ditch in the last couple of days, but I'm clawing my way out one handful of dirt at a time. Using my muscles.
I heard today that Colin Firth is going to be in North Carolina in Oct to Nov filming a movie. I am going to be in North Carolina in Nov, not filming a movie, but visiting the Biltmore House ( candle light evenings). I have a decent car now and can make road trips. And I know someone who knows someone who is part of the production team.
It's promising but that's a long darn way away.
In Atlanta, we have Billy Crystal filming a movie. If Colin were in Atlanta filming I'd take vacation days to stalk the film sets. Well, in theory I would .
How do you folks in New York and Hollywood do it ?
Well, at least I can go to the Biltmore Estate and day dream.
Season 12 started tonight, and I watched it. Now I'm stopping to think- Do I want to want watch another season? My interest has dwindled over the years, that's for sure. I've just kind of skimmed over the last two seasons. Is it because I've lost the majority of my weight and have been maintaining it? Or maybe that I finally realize that weighing every day only leads me to disappointment , or that the number on the scale is not my worth. Sometimes the number on the scale stays the same but I lose a pants size and feel great. Numbers on the scale are a big deal with the Biggest Loser.
When I was starting out on my own personal journey to lose weight at 345 lbs , the show was like a lifeline for me. These were my people. I remember telling my husband that these were the only people on television or even in my own world who really reflected back my own reality, my fears, and pain and connection to food. Not an episode went by where I didn't connect very personally to something that someone said or was going through. That occurred tonight as well-the 50 year old woman whose father died shortly after she went to the ranch.
I recognize that this one television show had a lot to do with motivating me in my own journey. It made me feel ok to branch into a "real" coed gym from the relative safety of Curves. (At 345lb Curves was a big bad bear of a challenge--it's all relative.) It made me strive to work with a personal trainer despite the fear and embarrassment and money.
Knowing that the contestants were getting through the exercises made me feel I could do it. Hearing what Bob and Jillian said to them reverberated in my head as I worked out. I know I pushed past my comfort level because of the show. I still use my imagination to channel Bob or Jillian screaming "LAST CHANCE WORKOUT!" to get me through some workouts.
And I notice that, for the most part, people at the gym do not work out at the intensity of the folks on the Biggest Loser . I've only worked out at that intensity when I've had a trainer yelling at me in my ear or when I've taken Kickboxing classes or in special classes. I think we all miss the boat when we don't have that intensity, and that frustrates me.
But here is where the show irritates and basically disappoints me, because I would love to see them focus on or at least minimally cover so many other things. --How are they initially oriented to the Biggest Loser house and diet and lifestyle? --What they are actually eating, besides Jenny O turkey and Subway? --What, if any , are the stumbling blocks in following the diet and exercise in the first few weeks or along the way? --What, if any , guidance is given to contestants when they are sent home? --How are they dealing with their emotions? Are they having therapy or any formal guidance on processing feelings that they once only knew how to deal with food? --How about the adjustments in body image with the rapid weight loss? --Here is where the show really misses the boat--How these 200+ 300+ 400+ bodies respond to the amount of exercise each day ? The show doesn't really portray what a typical day is exercise -wise. In other words, are they downing Motrin left and right. I think I've seen that them have trainers use heat and ice and taping and massage after workouts. These are things that people need to know so they don't try to bust out a 3 or 5 hour workout on their own before they are physically ready. --Finally, the how to's on supporting and clothing these 300 and 400 + lb bodies? The reality is as you lose hundreds of pounds, you've got to have the right equipment and support or the flab will fly when you try to exercise. This can be painful.
Ok, I could go on and on. These desires come from my own experience as I struggled day to day to deal with these issues. The Biggest Loser has become a reference guide for one way to to lose weight. I want a complete reference guide, I guess and it's just a television show with the distraction of a contest for money.
Will I watch? Most likely. Probably. I feel motivated to get up and get a quick workout in before work tomorrow since I've got plans after work. I've lost and maintained over a hundred pound loss for more than 2 years. Unlike the show's contestants, I did not get off all my medications or get to stop using my cpap machine for sleep apnea. I'm ok with that, because that's the best thing for me. I didn't get a Tim Gunn / Macy's makeover. It's not easy peasey all the time. I'm a work in progress and still want to lose a little more weight. But yes, this television show helped me. Motivation any which way you can.
The new trainers seem fine. My honey, Bob is still there, but I'm gonna miss Jillian.
I missed Talk like a Pirate day....only from a blog sense. I did say a few words and chuckle at a few folks who did miserable pirate speak on the radio. My husband came home from work with a bandanna on his head in true pirate fashion.
I also missed the Emmy's the other night and apparently missed a fabulous Michael Bolton as Pirate performance. I only heard about it on the Kathy Griffin follow-up slam of the Emmy's. Apparently , she had a little tiff with Michael because he was trying to cut in line on the red carpet. So that threw him off his game for his performance. I only saw pictures and laughed hysterically at her story.
Food-good. No binges and no obsessions. Exercise-good. Easing back in to routines and still exercising the back and knees to get them stronger. Weight-have not weighed since last week and will hold off till Thursday. I know the scale will never reflect how good I feel and the string of consistently good days I'm stringing along. My clothes are fitting better so I'm happy.
Gratitude today: laughs, work, snuggling with the dog, good morning kisses. Dunkin donuts coffee.
"looks that only a mother could love..." photo from google but same color as mine
I've been a wee bit busy lately: working, looking for the title to the car I was selling ( never found it), still sold my Honda, and bought a Nissan Cube. Drove the little fella around. (I think it's a fella-yes, I'm one of those people that considers the personality of the car and names it). The Honda was "Sapphire Spice aka Sapphy Spice-the secret blue car spice girl". Before the Honda was the Ford I named Louie because I bought him in Louisville, Ky.
I felt incredibly sad and mournful driving Sapphy to the guy that bought her. She gave me 13 years. RIP. But he promises she'll get a new paint job and some fixing up and make someone a nice little car. I didn't feel confident in her and was renting cars whenever I had to go out of town.
So , The Nissan Cube.
There are very few of these around here, and I think some of the newer 2012's might have been damaged in the earthquake in Japan. I went through a couple of days of just sitting with the idea because I was a little embarrassed about it. I'd spent actually several months working on this. I did a lot of research and test drives and tried everything from a Honda Fit to a Ford to Kias to Hyundai's and various Suv-crossovers. Weird as it is, it fit me the best as it met the set of criteria that I had felt was most important to me. Spacious feel, Good gas mileage, cost which would allow for more accessories, and good visibility. It already exceeds the expected gas mileage as I'm getting 30 mpg driving around town. It's a 2011 so the price was very good.
Edmunds says of the Cube " car equivalent of a ninja dressed in Hello Kitty pajamas riding on the back of a robot Godzilla." Yea, whatever. ok, Maybe about right.
It feels like I'm driving around either a British Taxi or an ice cream delivery truck or a mini mini-van or a souped up golf cart. Don't have a name for him yet. Many have come to mind: Greystokes, Earl Grey, Lady Grey, Sir Stubbington---Stubbs for short, or Ninji.
We are still getting to know each other, so nothing is really fitting yet. Above all , he makes me smile......and giggle. I think the idea of the Cube is to be like a zen lounge space. Seriously.
weird water ripple effect on ceiling , part of it's nature-zen vibe
Asymmetry is big with the Cube. For me, better visibility is key. This weekend I'll be getting acquainted with my new buddy and listening to his XM radio.
And chances are you might be too fat to be one too.
I'm not too upset about it. Who has time to commute to downtown Atlanta or go to Zombie school (she says flicking her hair and checking the non-existent manicure on her right hand). Humph!
It's no joke. And no, I don't think we need to form a support group over it.
To explain: Atlanta has become the mecca lately for the filming of movies (Zombieland) and television shows (Amc's The Walking Dead) about zombies and even vampires (The Vampire Diaries.) They just filmed part of a movie 10 miles from my house.(where is Johnny Depp? is what I wanna know) We get radio reports about traffic snafus around filming locations and whether to expect gunfire.
They also send out casting requests over the radio. Today I heard twice that they were looking for "emaciated" and "gaunt" people for Zombie extras. Then I heard the more PC version -"very slim" adults. Then I happened to read a magazine article that they were looking for thin people with "long necks...and bulging eyes".
They wanted people that looked hungry.
Ok, I could say soooo many things about this now. But I will shut my mouth in my healthy, rosy cheeks and just be happy that I'm not really zombie material.
I don't have words to adequately memorialize 9/11. It is beyond me. But it makes me think about how I'm living.
This weekend : I stocked up on fresh veggies and salads at the farmer's market and will prep and cook some of it today for the week. This is only a newly acquired habit that I'm instilling in myself. I've read about how others do this in books, magazines and blogs, and It sure worked last week. I'm thinking baked eggplant / tomatoes / squash/ Parmesan.
Kindle love-I'm reading a really good book based in Scotland and France that bounces back and forth in time. Book geek.
Rest and.... I took a nap yesterday and still fell asleep before 11 pm. Did I mention I'm getting very excited about getting my new car on Thursday. Saying good bye to my old car is sad and I feel guilt. Silly.
Food: Last night, I ate a big healthy stir fry of veggies and later baked up a dish of peaches and pears and cherries with pumpkin pie spice. Popcorn while watching movies. Today, whole grain pancake/scrambled egg/ baked fruit compote.
I've mistakenly watched a couple of somber and somewhat frightening movies. Contagion at the movie theater..good movie, scary movie. sad movie. It had me thinking I should stock up on foods, face masks, and hand sanitizer. Maybe, I should consider getting a gun.
Then the movie 127 Hours a true story about the guy stuck in a desolate canyon in the Moab desert with his arm stuck between a rock and a canyon wall. He comes up with a desperate solution in his will to live. But for me, it's more about that he realizes that he isolates himself with his self reliance and self absorption and that yes, he needs and must have connection to others to live.
The end result for me: I want to embrace life, hear music, move my body, enjoy nature with my animals, organize the messes I've made, and laugh with my husband. Cramming it all in.
Live. It is a blessed gift.
Punctuation, spelling, and grammar rules and guidelines are never followed in this blog. Knowingly. Lazily.
Still here. You know when people don't post much we tend to think it's because they are off track and spiraling downward which is also known as " going through the hand in the cookie box / head in the fridge" phase. Not this time!
Let's see this week: I've been working long hours, and going to physical therapy for the last week, I hope. I've been cleaning up my old car for a trade in ( I'm not big in to cleaning..I get lost in the minutiae of finding scraps from the past. )I've been deciding on which new car to buy and just gave the order last night. I've read and commented on just a few blogs rather than write here. I'm following a food plan and finding it very easy to do for a change.
I'm working hard not to get obsessed with pounds lost but it feels good to feel the results. These are the recently acquired pounds gained over the summer when I got fed up with dieting , was having emotional binge eating, worked with a new dietitian and explored intuitive eating. When I just couldn't handle the fear /reality of regaining any more weight, I made a decision. I always get peaceful when I finally make a decision. So I am following a food delivery system with my husband and it seems to be working for me. I'd lost a good portion of my weight loss following a delivery system-it seems to work for me where making a ton of my own choices does not. I still make plenty of choices and have a good deal of freedom on this system which is why it's working for me now when in the past it may not have.
So just wanted to pop in and give a brief report. For some reason I don't want to give a lot of details. I guess I want something to "stick"..to work.before I share more about it.
Other than that, cooler rainy weather here in Atlanta. We saw our first night time temperature in the 50's--woo hoo. Pumpkin baked good are back at Dunkin Donuts-my delight/nemesis and I have not indulged. Though at some point in the next month or so I will, and I will do so with intention and mindfully and with no guilt. none.
Now, I am going to crack open a can of pumpkin and add it with cinnamon, raisins, and sugar free Maple syrup to my cottage cheese for what I call Punkin Cottage.
Maybe I'll crack open my bottle of True Blood tonight. Hmmm?
+ My dog Angel wants to sit on my lap so she pressed her head against the keyboard and the + sign got posted.
Plus. I'm sitting here trying to think what to blog about. Do I talk about what I'm eating and not eating and how I'm not having binges and I'm losing weight. And I'm only exercising minimally. All true. Yeah!
Do I talk about how I'm at physical therapy on Friday and my knees popped and clicked loudly and my physical therapist said 'I don't like that' and that I have to keep coming back. Then as I'm doing exercises I start getting down about the way my extra loose skin / flesh hangs. I start to go down that path of beating up on myself because I've damaged my body so from my years of compulsive overeating and binges. The damage is done. But 5 minutes later I'm icing my knees and I read in a magazine about stopping negative self talk and not letting yourself go down that path. I perk up. I kind of think those are "God moments" or Angel moments.
$10 dress, though the add says $14. Cool, 1950 's inspired Sundress from the Avenue size 18 /20. Sleep shorts for $7. Even the salesperson looked at me and gave me the look "Wow, what a Steal!". That was a win.
Today: church, wearing my sundress. Veggie prep of all the Farmer's market fruit and veggies I got yesterday. Kitchen clean up. Visit with my sister and her beau with my hubby today as they travel through Atlanta. Tonight True Blood.
Plus Plus Sunday
2015 version: I'm still a geek for coffee, good chocolate, men, pjs, tiny house nation watching but realizing I'm too much of a semi-hoarder, movies, books, more books, cheesy magazines, and sleep. Also a former weight loss / weight related blogger who is in eating disorder treatment and learning to live a healthier , balanced life. Up to 2015 version: I'm a Geek for many things: Food, Pajamas, Coffee, Chocolate, Movies, Books, getting and being fit and healthy, 80's music, and the list goes on and on .....A nurse, a diabetic, I've lost over 130 lbs and have more to go . And I actually enjoy working out.
I chose the names of Ms. PJ Geek and PJ and Pounds because I have happy memories of childhood, coming in dirty and sweaty from playing in the yard. Then taking a bath, putting on a fresh nightgown and feeling all new again . I felt like a princess. Fresh renewal. .........
All names and situations will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, and so I can keep my job. While I am a nurse, I do not intend this to be a blog with specific directions or guidelines for healthcare. And.....though I have a college degree, that was a long time ago ya'll, and I don't remember proper punctuation or grammar.