Road Hard Put Up Wet With George Clooney, Sookie Stackhouse, and Madmen...and .Celeb dreams #26-28

George looks good 'Embracing the Gray'

Not a lot going on because my behind is wedged in to the sofa with a cup of strong coffee at my side. We are talking about going out to see Captain America or at least to get some froyo. I'm hurting too bad to go to Zumba. Maybe back to bed. OY!

Food was not spectacular yesterday. Actually , it was till about 4 ish. I got the warm fuzzy and ate a big bowl of cereal..actually 2 small bowls. Last night after a short spin through Walmart and the Taco Bell drive thru, we watched The American movie with George Clooney..kind of a European hit man movie. George barely cracked a smile through the whole thing..I felt so bad for him. "George, hey, buddy, it's not so bad..Take some Prozac or at least St John's Wort." Not the best movie for my mood. Not the best for his career. Not the best for his character either.




Book wise, I 've re-read all of the Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) books in the last 2 weeks except the last 2 which I just bought and downloaded to Kindle. I watch the show and I'm reading the books. I can visualize the actors from the show so well in to their book counterparts that it's hard to separate what was on the show versus what I'm reading. Scary.

Woke up today feeling ROAD HARD AND PUT UP WET..except I wasn't. I think I took my Zyrtec too late and now I'm hung over and with a bursitis thing going on from head to toe. Heating pad, coffee, 2 Aleive, things are starting to become less fuzzy.

I will do self care today. I just don't know what. Yet.

*****Dreams*******
I'm on a roll. These have nothing or very little to do with health or weight loss. But not everyone dreams like this , so thought I'd share. For funs.

Every night another celeb..these are just flash in the pan dreams that have no rhyme or reason...maybe I'd read in a magazine about them or had seen a segment on tv that day and then by night a whole inner mini movie develops...I'm a vivid dreamer and also somewhat lucid in that I'm actually aware I'm dreaming and thinking about what I'm dreaming ..weird but some of you know what I mean. Anyway , I like keeping a record /count of them going since this is whackadoo.

#26 (I saw bits of the trailer for the Oprah show about her season finale and there were bits of Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks in the preview)

Crazy dream about a documentary being filmed about Tom Cruise while he is filming a movie and also undergoing investigation for some kind of child abuse issue. Tom Hanks dropped by to lend Tom support. Tom and Katie, his wife, were very gullible and kept letting reporters in their house who were disguised as film crew or documentary makers who kept getting the scoop on the 'real' Tom and Katie. There was a lot about book cases and Ikea in this dream?

#27 (I read a blog comment that Jillian would be missed on Biggest Loser and Anna Kournikova would be no substitute). (I also dream about NYC a good deal)

Dream is that I'm working in a NYC advertising firm and I happen to be friends and a tennis partner for Anna K. I show up to work in my tennis clothes because of an early morning game. I have to tell my boss I forgot to pack my dress clothes and I live too far from work to go back and change. Boss gives me a lot of grief and thinks I'm lying. Anna pops in to remind me about our next planned game. (IF only real life worked like that, right?)

My boss allows me to take an hour to go shopping. Now we are in a MAD MEN style firm and I go up to a group of secretary's who are all dressed retro and smoking to ask for where to go fast for the proper clothing. Marisa Tomei wearing a powder blue (Jackie O) suit, and gloves and with a great Brooklyn accent and smoking the whole time tells me where to go. Very Mad Menish. I ask if I just tell the cab driver if he'll be able to find it. She says "Shoo erh".. That was it.



#28 (no idea about the genesis of this one)

I'm trying to go up stairs (my old junior high school staircase) and my quad muscles in my thighs are so weak that I can't get my leg to lift. I'm backing up traffic on the stairs. I whine about how I really do exercise and recently ran a 3K. Sandra Bullock is standing at the top of the stairs saying "Really?!"....Damn, Getting judged by Sandy Bullock is no fun.

Again, I will do self care today..at some point.

My weekend...yours?

This is what I posted on another site about this weekend.....

Last weekend--a girls weekend in the North carolina mountains-a trip to a casino( almost one $1000-doh), meals at a Paula Deen restaurant-yum, great coffee and chocolate at the coolest coffee shop I've been to in years in the middle of tourist kitsch but still the coolest, and a river tubing trip of a lifetime.

This weekend-well...catch up on my dvr recordings, go to the gym, clean the kitchen-eh maybe, gotta clean something.

kind of bipolar weekends , ya know?

yeah

blogger ticks me off sometimes --still, it's a good day

I wrote two good comments on a couple of blogs and signed my name on them because blogger said I was anonymous and then the darn things didn't post after all. At least I don't think they did...pooh!

Lunch break here--combo of green peas, mushroom ravioli, and half a small can Chef boyarde ravioli..the peas and mushroom ravioli were leftovers from a meal from my husband and came in a cream sauce..The Chef boyarde just pulled it all together .
also spinach salad and greek vinaigrette ..yum yum. Maybe a strawberry fiber one yogurt for dessert to hold me through a few more hours of work.

I don't often share my food because I sometimes get triggered by other blogger's posts about it. But this was healthy and I'm trying to claw my way out of the bucket of bad food habits ( not bad food , just bad habits). Got to recognize the good stuff.

gratitude today : no ants in my coffee, walking the dogs in the shade this morning --once the sun came out-that was all she wrote for that walk, and wisdom in blog world.

Self esteem through weightloss--duh--SHUT UP! critical inner voice

photo from internet of Ramona Flowers from "Scott Pilgrim"..I like the hair.

Self esteem through weightloss. Well, sure, duh!. Well, but not exactly either.

This has been a year of real swings in direction for me and I'm trying to figure it out. I truly did a restrictive diet to get down to my lowest weight 210 this spring, I ran and won a 3K and actually ran most of it, and I bought a swimsuit in a size 18. Being fit and having accomplished that felt great. Felt wonderful. But I'm not quite there right now.

Probably that size 18 would freak out the skinnier folk but that's down from a size 32. It's a triumph for me. And it looks good. And last weekend I wore it floating down a river and riding mini rapids on an inner tube in North Carolina and didn't care.

Then there were times that I've swung in a completely different direction. Regaining weight, having binges, eating unconsciously. Trying to grasp what I should do. Some of this goes along with the restricting. Some of this goes along with experiencing anxiety and fear at depths I hadn't before. Some of it is feeling the guilt and shame and regret of being a food addict and being obese.

When I'm Not eating over it + feeling it = I'm miserable and then I found myself eating over it and feeling miserable over that.

I've got this inner critical voice that knows how to beat me with a hammer. Guilt. shame. Regret. Packs a wallop that one. I'm trying to figure out that critical side of me because it knows the path to my kitchen and every drive thru better than anyone else. The picture above is from my current favorite movie "Scott Pilgrim". I'm thinking of taking that stance and hammer to that inner critic voice and beating the heck out of it. But maybe it's more about love and acceptance. This is probably a huge thing for me to recognize and deal with now.

Another way is just figuring out what works for me. Working on that. It isn't restrictive dieting . It isn't intuitive eating. It isn't Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem or Whatever. It might be one of those things as a tool or parts of one of those things. But not those things totally. I lost the big weight numbers figuring out and trying different things because some of the things I did quit working along the way. Just remembering that yesterday has helped.


Next is exercise. Every year or so I go through a spell where I'm sick or having some kind of issue and can't exercise like I normally do. That's been how it is for me for the last couple of weeks. My river tubing experience last weekend was mindblowing, figuratively speaking , for me and to my body. For my psyche it was a jumpstart. I'm starting back despite the aches and pains and pushing through it. Yesterday, I felt out of breath doing something physical. Joints are hurting and old pains. It was a little glimpse of how it felt to be 300+ pounds.

For me, going to the gym and phsycial exercise gives me tremendous self esteem and joy and is release for pent up anger and fear. I listen to very loud music of all kinds that I only have downloaded to my mp3 players so it's an extra treat to get to the gym to listen to it. It is practicing discipline for me. It's being ok with my body to do this in front of people. It's feeling sweat for the first time several years ago and every time I feel sweat I know I'm working hard enough.

When I was fat and eating uncontrollably I didn't want to get hot and sweaty. Well darn it..We have to to that. That's body maintenance. So sweat is good. Makes a cold shower and a cold glass of water even better.

Ok, Self esteem through weightloss. Maybe. Self esteem through caring for my home, my animals, my husband, my body. Self esteem through being a good worker , coworker, church member, contributer-yep. Self esteem through hearing that critical voice and telling it "ok , I hear you. What's your deal here? Let's turn this in to love and caring. Don't be so harsh. Don't eat over it. Don't eat to ignore it. Just breathe. Just start and go from here. Be present. "

Self esteem through taking care of myself in every way, definitely.

Ants in my coffee

*photo from the internets..someone's not mine.

No joke. Stumbled out of bed and went in to the kitchen.
Started to prepare my coffee maker for the first day's fix of java.
Noticed what looked like coffeegrounds in the water chamber thingeee.
coffee grounds that move.
ants.
EWH! shiver...EWH!
Run to tell my husband (non java man)--"you came in here when I'm half asleep to tell me this? what do you want me to do?"
That coffeemaker is 10 years old.
Personally, I'd say chuck it. It's like having ants on your toothbrush.
What would you do?

I had a fun weekend in the mountains. Food wise--hmmmm.. food wise : I will just say --Paula deen restaurant and Fudge places. I had to sleep most of yesterday to recover. Still not recovered yet. I had weird celebrity dreams with Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks. Very strange. Probably not going to try to post that one. Exercise on the weekend..a whole bunch. Many bruises but a story to tell about my first river tubing experience. LATEZ!

Celebrity Dream #25 Harry Connick Jr to the Rescue!

I feel good today . This is the best I've felt physically all week. I don't know if's just my attitude and spirits are lifted because I'm going on an impromptu girls weekend to the North Carolina mountains or if whatever that was giving me so much boob and joint pain is getting better. Maybe it was the peanut butter and raisin sandwich I had last night.

All I know is " I feel good". And, I leave on Friday after work for a weekend ahead of me with kitschy mountain themes, a casino, shopping, a Paula Deen restaurant , pool time and a float down a river in an inner tube.

Got on the scale ( named 'damn scale') and rolled my eyes at the number and just said to myself "this too will pass and I'll start seeing lower numbers again ". All I want is to be healthy and feel good. A relatively pain free day makes that quite obvious to me.

DREAMS

I've posted that I have very vivid and detailed dreams and have a multitude of repeating themes, places, and situations. I also dream about celebrities and the characters they play. No idea why. Just do. Here's a short version and there is a whole lot left out in order to have this be a somewhat linear story to tell.

It has been a very long time since I had a good celebrity dream. And this one was fun. It's funny as I look back on some of the themes of the dream and where their genesis came from .
-- The Mp3 player--I lost one and then got a new one and then found the old one and now I can't get the computer to quickly load my songs. My Mp3 player is sitting on the desk next to me.
-- Silver SUV--I test drove one a week ago and I don't want an suv but they sure look nice.
-- Harry Connick Jr -I saw a listing for a PBS special for him and I didn't recognize any of the songs. But he sure looks (sounds ) nice.


In the dream I'm working with an old coworker who I have bad feelings toward in real life because she kind of stabbed me in the back. So that I'm' working with her even in a dream is a tense situation (that I'm aware of even in the dream.) For some reason , we are trying to get a VIP client to go to the doctor as we are concerned she may have eaten an MP3 Player. (not as far -fetched as you might think)

Cut to HARRY who is the head of a plumbing crew in the building. When I asked, he talked his crew in to really pulling up the tiles and the plumbing to see if they could find the mp3 player. He sweet talked them in his NAWLINS drawl and he called me sugar "shoogah" when they found it. Success.

So I left the building and couldn't find the beyatch coworker's shiny silver suv but somehow knew she was taking the VIP patient to the doc and would pick me up later . She meant for me to hang out along the street. All day long. I had the proof about the Mp3 player, but she couldn't wait! I don't have her phone number in my cell because, well, I erased it a long time ago, in reality. So I spend the day hanging out at a park near a college campus that is along the road where I'm to be waiting.

Just waiting. And rearranging my purse and my briefcase. People watching. All the girls look like Kate Middelton for some reason.

After some hours I'm getting bored / irritated, but then along walks Harry and he's whistling. Turns out he is a plumber by day , law student by night, he doesn't mention his singing career or his beautiful wife and family . After I tell him the situation , he suggests we go to a corner pub and have a drink and he'll text the beyatch coworker where I'll be when she is ready to pick me up. (don't know how he knew how to text her). But he wanted to make her jealous for mistreating me and he was all close and chummy after that.

Alas, the dream ends here.
But it was a good feeling kind of dream and maybe that set me up for the day .
yeah!

The Food Addict and the Firemen

Currently I'm in between knowing what to do, knowing what's right for me in the food / health / diet / weight loss scheme of things. I'm working on it. I've reinvented myself in this game many times in the last 3-4 years since I hit my topper weight of 345 and started seriously working my way down.

Pj gets close to goal weight and freaks out and now I don't know what to do.

Things I know:
-- gastric bypass or any variation of -not for me
-- loves food-yes
-- lifelong history of abusing food --yes
-- emotional eater and an unconscious eater with no emotions whatsoever--yes, yes.
-- I like exercise and feel empowered , stress relieved, good afterward.
-- Even though I'm reading and working towards intuitive eating. I'm not eating intuitively most of the time, so my shorts are tight and I don't want to get on the scale. Working on it.


Cut to just a short example of the Barrage of commercials and food cues that we get assaulted with daily. Just a reminder to me of the little things that I do that is , I think, on the right track.

So I listen to the radio while I'm working some of the time and when I'm in the car ( ancient car with cassette player still). I hear this Firehouse Subs commercial for their Turkey Bacon Ranch Sub everyday like at least 5 times. It seems like this company focuses on a particular sandwich for a while and that's all you hear about.
But they were started by Firemen and I'm all about Firemen, so it sounds like a place I would want to go to.

Sometimes I turn down the volume and skip that commercial. Today, I was busy and the radio was playing and I heard it like a dozen times till I shut the radio off completely. Then I thought what the heck? Let's check out the website because I want to know the nutritional content and where the closest Firehouse sub place is.

Nutrition copied from website.
Large turkey Bacon Ranch Sub (on wheat)-- calories 1380 , fat 18 gm , sodium 3780
Medium cal 840, fat 12 gm, sodium 2330

Just for fun, I checked on the tuna salad sub medium with no mayo and cheese 700 calories..

This is bad news. That's all it takes for me to say a big N-O. If I want this combo of sandwich fixings I'll fix it myself.
Even though I beat up on myself for a lot of things, I think I got this right.

Self care today: I've got a lot of aches and pains and it freaks me out. And I'm a nurse which makes it too scary because I know toooooo much. boob, butt, legs hurt and burn. fun. going to the gym and just walk, I said W A L K on the treadmill and then maybe bike a little. I've not been to the gym since last week because of all the pains and stuff. Is the pain because of not going to gym or is the pain pain or is it all in my head? We shall see.

How Low Can You Go! How Low-oh-oh.

--One of the fun songs that we grind to at Zumba

--What happens when you freak out over the diet mentality and then freak out without the diet mentality.

--Shorts tighter, Scale number climbing, Unconscious eating ..and eating...and eating.....Empty , meaningless, mindless, non-intuitive eating.

--a number on the scale, a dress size.

--aches and pains. a pill for this problem. a pill for that problem. and a pill for taking the other pills. just like the old, old 345 pound days.

--It gets pretty damn low. Then you feel like you hit the bottom of the pool and push back up. "Ok, I'll start over on Monday. THAT way I can have x____________ or x__________ , and x________ and x_______ AND THEN...T H E N start over on Monday.

--Low, No, a hundred times NO

--but what?

--Do some self care:
Having menopause time hot flashes? So strip to bra and panties and clean the kitchen while sipping a cocktail of Trader Joes light pink lemonade and Skinny Girl Margarita and ice water for refreshments.

Do about 6 loads of laundry.
Do 2 loads of dishes.
Sweep.
Get dressed and walk the dogs.
Put Anti -dust mite pillowcases on the pillows.
Give Angel, the dog a bath. Laugh.
Shower and wash hair.
Sort laundry.
Eat a healthy dinner.
Eat a not as healthy dessert but not bad of carb smart vanilla frozen yogurt and a Vitamuffin.
Mix up some overnight custard oats and blueberries for breakfast.
Happen upon the Sex and The City marathon on the E network. Oh boy, the episode where Carrie models underwear and trips on her high heels and falls on her arse. Stupid E network cut out the scene where she twirls on the cat walk. Also, funny to watch as Carrie and others smoke in the restaurants and clubs..the old days. Charlotte and Trey and their sex problems. Samantha's short Lesbian phase.

So much better than the movies.

Time for book in the bed --clean sheets, clean pillowcases, clean pjs, clean dogs.

Not low

Warning: spell check was run and I said eff it to spell check and hit post.

the guy in the chair is why I watch True Blood..

I'm feeling kinda yucko. Peassed off...my shorts feel too tight and they probably are. But that's another story..still working on figuring out that one. I thought if I posted a little I would deflate a little and then not dive in to the kitchen..nom nom nom nom

The day starts with a bad dream where my dog went missing and then was most likely "processed" as in 'gone gone' at a local humane society kill shelter kind of place. It was a nightmare.

Work: I knew by 8:20 am at work when my boss kept asking me about this and that and then said "call me" to see why I can't do something this way versus that way that it was gonna be a hard day.

It was a hard day.
food isn't an issue when you are so busy and feeling so behind the 8 ball.

It ended in a flourish and hopefully I saved the day for someone in the end and my transgressions will be overlooked.

And then I had couples therapy with my hubby , which I was late for. Errr....
but it went ok...we luvs each other.

And then a nice chat a church with the folks that make samwiches for the school kids even though the samwiches got made earlier today .

Then, food became an issue..the saviour I wanted. something to think about so I don't have to feel.

I'm thinking cookies, I'm thinkin Captain D's fried food crapola, I'm thinking Pizza, I'm thinking I just want to settle down with a nice episode of True Blood and let my brain (and emotions) congeal.

Bought a small portion of gluten free cookies thinking they will taste like crap , so I won't want them. WRONG!...got a turkey pepperoni pizza at the health food store where I got the expensive crap tasting cookies. Udi's chocolate chip which are excellent, unfortunately. Had 1.

I just thought up a whole buncha nice stuff to do so I can let the anxiety go..that chest pain kindsa arghhh feeling that is all stress .....gonna walk the dogs, feed the dogs, take a shower , put on my ralph lauren looking floral pjs, listen to music, then decide what I want for dinner and then maybe have either a cookie or a healthy choice mocha ice cream bar and very possibly both but that's all

..and that's it..not using food..at some point the hubby will come home and we will laugh about the mirror technique we practised in therapy .

not using food.....breathe breathe

Calling all cars and ice cream trucks ( a little bit about a lotta stuff)

Nissan Cube--Kinda cool , Kinda weird

3rd day of a 4 day weekend.
Tomorrow--I see the DENTIST--Dr. Pam--laughing gas a must.

But today, Allergist appointment. Lotsa shots.
I am "dramatically" allergic to dust mites and mildly allergic to cats and then dogs and then dust in that order. Not giving up my babies , so gonna deal with the dust mites. Not sure about taking long term monthly allergy shots. But I'm going to work on environment and take the meds suggested. Anti-histamines tonight!

I started test driving cars today. My teenage Honda Accord is on Hospice. I don't want to give her up. Blue book says she's worth nothing, but I think she is. I'm tired of renting cars to go out of town and tired of being afraid I'll breakdown if I go 60 mph. I'm going to have to buy 'sumpthin'. Better to buy a car now proactively than to wait till I'm stranded and have to be towed ( that's what happened with the last car). I don't want to spend a lot of money because I also need new flooring and siding for my twentysomething year old house that is worth less than we owe on it. I'll probably have to buy these things in the next year or so. OY!

Saw Tom Hangs (Hanks! yes I did write Hangs) in Larry Crowne today. Cute. (maybe I should get a scooter like in the movie.) Now I'm in the mood to see Forrest Gump again .

Ate too many carbs today. I'm naturally not so talkative with folk face to face is my guess on the lowering of the shields that led to eating carbs. Will balance that out with some veggies and protein later on. For now, I just fast forwarded through the last 2 episodes of Grey's Anatomy and decided to delete the other 7 episodes off the DVR. Just not in to it this year.

So, back to the cars. Many of you drive them.
Even if you never post, please take the time to comment if you have experience with any of these. I trust you people. Even though I don't really know you .
What do yo know about any of these? Any thoughts?

I started with Nissan.
I test drove a Nissan Versa and a Nissan Rogue.
Then, I did not intend to but test drove the Nissan Cube.

I liked the Cube. I really liked it. But it's weird. It's an ice cream truck.

Still for consideration and not test driven yet : The Honda Fit, The Toyota Matrix, Hyunadi Accent hatchback and Ford Focus. I'm tired of Sedans. I'm confused now. I like the Kia Soul's looks but we rented one and it was underwhelming.

Any thoughts?

Soon to go to Walmart to buy dust mite covers for pillows and stuff.

Is it just me? Is the dust mite shaped a bit like the Nissan Cube?

A lil bit of self care....

Self care. Body Mind Spirit kind of stuff. When I'm taking care of myself I don't need to turn to food. The inner food addict doesn't have to pout or stomp her feet or stare with her nose pressed to the bakery case feeling deprived. Which doesn't mean I'm over indulging or just eating twigs and berries either.

A big part of self care is hushing up that inner critic and not allowing her to bitch at me. Last week, I found myself listening to that inner critic. I was feeling like an outsider and feeling " less than' and beating up on myself when something in me said "Why?" Why are you doing this?"..."Whoa!" .... "Stop it!..stop beating up on yourself" "What is all that about?"

There was a part of me that was relieved to have someone stand up for me. Wait. That was me that stood up for me. Hunh!

So I wanted to blog about it at a bit. I do this on occasion and it's been a while.

---For the last few weeks, once a week, I've made a veggie/ egg/ lowfat cheese crustless quiche kind of breakfast casserole and baked a high fiber-whole oats muffin or bread that involves fresh blueberries of other fruits, nuts or flaxseeds, and cinnamon. Very simple. Not processed. It feels good to allow myself to bake which has the potential to get out of hand. I try to get my husband to eat it but he's in to cocoa krispies right now. So 2 casserole dishes baked at the same time and I've got breakfast and sometimes snacks for several days. Easy peasy. I've had no binges on the baked goods and it feels good to know that and to be able to say it.

---Rather than quick showers though there were some of those too, I took a long bath both Sat and Sun. Sunday was more of a mineral soak with about a half a pound of epsom salts and lavendar for the sore, aching muscles and joints. Heal body heal.

--The sore and aching muscles were the results of putting everything in to my 2 Zumba classes this weekend. Quality over quantity. Total fun and spirit filling. And had another gym visit where I did stretching and biking and running, but that was too much. The joints are screaming. So, I'm not perfect after all.

---read a little bit of Martha Beck's "The Joy Diet" and then a little meditation
I could do with a bit more meditation.

---sat in the shade under the oak trees with the dogs until some pesky ants drove me away

---I chose to eat a veggie burrito for lunch Saturday before leaving the house versus getting out there in the world and being tempted to eat whatever. I'd toyed with the idea of eating at this place or the other, but the burrito hit the spot.
Plus, I wanted to go to one of the new frozen yogurt places.

---I had the yogurt, sampled little teaspoons of several flavors (red velvet cake, praline, reeses peanutbutter). Then ate vanilla with raspberries and strawberries and a teaspoon or so each of caramel and chocolate and chocolate chips. Ate it mindfully and happily in a cool, dark cave like place in a comfy chair and had a little chat with another customer

---I spent some time at Barnes and Nobles reading magazines and books and sipping
iced coffee and nibbled on a raspberry scone. Took some home and then forgot about it. (I used a gift card and purchased a book and a little vintage -like memo pad.) Love shopping with gift cards.

--Drank Lots of water, more Coke Zero than I should have had, and sleep. Plenty of sleep in my pjs.

All the bases covered.

Emotion potion

**someone's photo found off google
Still itchey but not as bad. Still sinusey but not as bad. It's been 6 days since my last anti-histamine.

I had therapy yesterday. I hate saying breakthrough but sometimes "WOMP" you get hit on the head and realize some stuff. Then the Universe / God decides to flick at you a bit to make sure the lesson was learned.

Bottom line--fear. I've stuffed it down for years. In fact, fear is one of the things that litters my memories of my teenage years due to having more responsibility and challenges to deal with than a teenager should. And connecting some of that to some of what's going on with me now is enlightening. I have a long road ahead to learn to experience and process this fear and all the other emotions that I don't like to deal with ( except with oreos).

After therapy to the church to make ''samwiches' and lunches for the school lunches for kids not in school this summer'. Then to the gym to workout for the first time this week. Too sick before. I read an article about the tornado's in Tuscaloosa in Sports Illustrated and started crying at the gym on the bike. The photos look just like the ones I'd taken the weekend I'd visited my sister. Football season can't come a minute sooner to this football-devoted area.

I love seeing rabbits and throw veggies and fruit in to my garden for the area rabbit to eat. As I drove to the gym I had seen one on the side of the woods near the gym and had thought about what rabbit symbolizes. In Native American lore which is something I've studied , rabbits symbolize fear and overcoming limiting beliefs. On the way out of the gym, I saw that that rabbit was hit by a car. I 'm so soft hearted and that made me sad. But made me wonder as well.

When I arrived home I thought about all the emotion I'd experienced just in the last 3 hours. Not normal for me. I talked with my husband--I tried to explain it. He just listened. I ate the dinner I planned to eat. We watched for the 5th or maybe 8th time the movie "Scott Pilgrim" which is funny and familiar and always makes makes me sing , laugh and say lines along with the actors.

The potion isn't food.

Gratitude: snuggling with the hubs on the sofa, rabbits, blog folks, coffee, therapy, "Scott Pilgrim"

Withdrawal--not a Jane Austen post

How did they manage in those days?

Addicted to Food-yep.
Addicted to Benedryl/Claritin-probably. Ok yeah, dammit.

Food is of little interest when one is truly itchy.
Anti-histamines trump food addiction

Going through withdrawal here..ITCHING!
SINUS stuff..ears burning. head burning. eye lids itching? face and everything itching.
SCRATCH SCRATCH

ITCH ITCH ITCH ITCH


Just took a shower with Cetaphil cleanser and even washed my hair with it to try to wash the itchies away. So for the moment back in Pjs.

Pjs: my Jane Austen Pjs ( they look like something that they wear in the movie Sense and Sensibility ( hence photo)


Mid day post here. When I don't get comments on a post it makes me wonder if I seem too wigged out (yesterday's post). I'm not too wigged out. I'm finding my way and feeling feelings and itching a whole hella lot. Not having binges. Just hadn't figured all this stuff out yet. and the interesting thing is......

Food is of little interest when one is truly itchy.

Withdrawing from antihistamines here. Can't really confirm it's a real thing from internet searches. I was pretty sick yesterday . Very itchey today. I have to be anti-histamine free until Monday . Monday I see an allergist for the first time for multiple skin tests to see what all I'm truly allergic too. I'm sure I'm not going to like the results. Yes, the 2 dogs and cat have free reign of they house. Yes, we have carpet. We are messy. We use central air and window unit Acs and ceiling fans. These are just a few of the multi page questionnaire question I've got to fill out.

any hints from fellow allergy sufferers will be welcome.

A call to the allergist office--since I'm such a hard core user I get to take a Benedryl tonight..woooo hoooo.

itch .....scratch.......whine, Aunt flo is also sending telegrams of her imminent arrival...oy..May have to crack open the tequila or rum

sorry ...whineeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
aka the itchy bitchey pj geek

Mid year Update--sort of

I accidentlally posted a post that I just meant to save and then saw I posted it , so I deleted it. Then I read Dietgirl's post so I'm going to repost some of it. I've been trying to write a post for a couple of days now , but didn't know what I wanted to say exactly .

Welcome second half of the Year!...My husband says "Oh we are finally working towards Christmas". We both prefer cooler weather and look forward to fall and the holidays. funny that we live in the hot , steamy south .

But back to reality, July 5 is the anniversary date for my losing 100lbs and this is the second year of maintaining a 120lb loss. And I need there to be a lifetime more of those anniversaries. I can't go back. But I can't go forward in the way that I got to that 100lb loss. I'm trying to forge a new path for myself that is a bit more balanced--this is more about everthing in life -family , relationships, household cleanliness and order, money, AND food. I got too obsessed with diet and numbers and goals and health and kind of lost sight of everything else. Regarding food: Not so black and white and not so many rules, but I'm a food addict and that doesn't get healed like a blister .

I'm reading several books now and trying to figure out what works for me. When you make mistakes and have set backs along the way, it's difficult to not throw up your hands and look for the next diet or the next right thing to do or call up Nutrisystem (which is on sale this week.) It's been 8 years since my last short romance with Weight Watchers. All the scenarios run through my mind...it's like getting a fix that is supposed to fix it all. It doesn't . It's me that has to work this through and the methods I choose are just tools.

So far in 2011 I started off the year in diet challenges, very focused on getting it done and losing this last bit of weight. Tired of being plateaued in the mid 220's. I did diet down to 210 my lowest weight since I was in high school. But, it was a blind trail on a hike that took a lot of effort and left me bruised and tired and hating the hike--scared to keep hiking and not sure I know how to do it. Really weary.

210 wasn't my goal weight (190 was) but I think I started experiencing what I read about when people reach goal weight and realize that your life doesn't suddenly change or seem different. And it isn't even that I expected it would be so different. I just know I suddenly had more eating disordered thinking and more body image concerns and more rigid rules to live by along with a lot of guilt and anxiety and self-judgment . I was experiencing binges like I hadn't in the last several years. What was I numbing and trying to cover up? I could only guess that being smaller was leading to this lapse in to my old eating disorder stuff.

Ok, maybe being smaller made me feel more vulnerable and brought up stuff from the past . I truly don't know. I think some of it is my body isn't what I thought it would be--the extra skin and flab. I didn't get off all the meds like they do on The Biggest Loser, but then the best thing for my health is to still be taking those meds . I still need to use a Cpap for sleep apnea even though I'm so much smaller. Sure you can wear smaller clothes and you don't feel like you stick out like a sore thumb, but it isn't the People magazine or Oprah show experience that you were expecting.

All of the black and white thinking-no eating after x time, 200 cal for the afternoon snack even though you are going to the gym and won't be able to function after 20 minutes because you don't have the energy. The damn number on the scale becomes so important you find yourself doing extra exercising and thinking about laxatives to get that number to come up on the scale by a certain date. You have trigger places that you want to visit and enjoy but you can't because you might lose control. You feel guilty for thinking or feeling certain things. It goes on and on .

And then when you try to break away from diet life and try intuitive eating or some other plan , you , (I) struggle with that too.

So I had a 3 day weekend and a good deal of it was spent cleaning because I need to be antihistamine free this week for an upcoming allergist appointment. I spent a lot of time reading books, blogs, journaling. My husband and I enjoyed some of our favorite foods. We both recognize we value health so the favorite food thing is ok when done sparingly. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm not jumping in to anything. But just wanted to share where I was.

And I had my physical last week and my labs are even better than ever. I'd pretty much stopped the diet mentality on May 20th. I'd started having binges every few days or so and started seeing a new eating disorder nutritionist around then which was around when I had a little panic attack. So I'd been eating "off traditional diet plans" for about a month when I had my physical. My blood sugar was great, fasting was 93. My Hgb a 1c was the best it ever has been 5.5 . My cholesterol is all perfect. The only issue I have is a little anemia and allergiy / sinus issues. The number on the scale was less than I had been the last time I went though not my lowest of 210. But the scale is creeping up. The scale had already creeped up in the last weeks of my "dieting" because I was eating out of emotions and having unconcious eating and uncontrolled eating. I'm just hanging in that same range. So I don't see trying intuitive eating as being the reason the scale climbs..it's all of the above.

Just wanted to put it out there. We recognize the end of the year and the beginning of the year with goals and resolutions. So here MID YEAR is mine.
"Ditching the diet mentality" but finding a structure of some support while eating along the lines of intuitive eating is what I'm aiming for. Being healthy , being a little smaller than I am but I have no weight set..maybe around 200 or just below and I 'm setting no time line.

Happy MID YEAR!

Flotsam and Tom Cruise ...........and Johnny Depp

I have a certain weakness for Tom Cruise. A guilty pleasure weakness. I know he can be ridiculous. The weird Scientology stuff , the couch shenanigans on OPRAH over "KATE" Katie Holmes , and he divorced Nicole Kidman for Gawd's sake (I liked them in Far and Away together). Yeah, I've liked him since Risky Business and Top Gun.




He's short. I'm short. I worked with some one who stood next to him once and he was barely 5'5. (I stood in line for a movie when I lived in D. C. next to George Stephanopolis and he's barely 5'2). And I dreamed about Tom once, nothing sexual but in the dream we made a connection. Since then, I'm a somewhat reluctant fan.

Knight and Day has been playing on some sort of cable channel we have and I kept catching bits of it. Tom was looking pretty good, so I watched it today . You know Tom can actually act. And he's hot. And it wasn't such a bad movie. I liked it. But then I liked Johnny Depp in The Tourist , so maybe I'm hopeless. (or man crazy) I'm recording Vanilla Sky on the dvr right now. I've seen it before. I saw a scene of Tom when I set the recorder and he looked so young then. I liked the more mature Tom in Knight and Day better.

I dunno, he looks good here too.



I actually got a lot done today besides oogling Tom, and it makes me feel so accomplished. I cleaned in our bedroom and in the kitchen. I lined and reorganized some of the kitchen cabinets. Specifically, the tupperware / plastic/ cooking utensil area. That's been bothering me and things kept falling because it was
jam packed full. About 39 lids to about 10 containers. How does that happen? I have about a dozen Christmas mugs, so they now have their own top shelf.

Then I shifted piles, threw away junk, vacuumed and shelved books in the bedroom.
Here's the Flotsam part--some of the bits I found:

--$4.23 in change
--A birthday card from my mother to me on my 40th birthday-sweet
--my baby ring
--one green flip flop and one black flip flop--I'm screwed
--a picture of an old boyfriend, a picture of me when I was 30, pictures of my husband and I getting married on the beach
--about 5 inspiration books
--3 Christmas magazines, 2 Magazines with Johnny Depp on the cover, About 6 Real Simple magazines, 2 Country Living and 10 Preventions





-- books I kept -Eat, Pray , Love and DietGirl, and Bridget Jones Diary
--Several Nora Roberts book and others that I threw in the "DONATE" box
--the first month of diet sheets when I weighed 340 lbs back in 2007
--my last Weight Watchers Tracker circa 2002
--about 2 dozen hair thingees: scrunchies, barrettes, headbands
--2 canisters of dust and pet hair in the new vacuum cleaner canister
--a lot of other stuff including one box of magazines for good will, 2 boxes of books for good will, 1 box of clothes for good will, 1 big trashbag, more stuff to go through

I've got a lot of work to do still, but there is a dent in the pile and maybe the HOARDERS Tv show won't think I'm a good candidate now.

Bakerys to the left of me, Bakerys to the right..stuck in the middle again

I just had that song flit through my sinsus-inflamed head and I can't remember what the real words are or who sings it, but it fits this post perfectly .

Pj here

Pjs for today: Ralph Lauren like-Floral and pin tucked granny gown --I will get dressed today because it is ZUMBA NIGHT!!! sinus pain or not.
coffee: finished 2 cups dunkin d. coffee I've switched over to cold H20 for a while. I may go get some iced coffee later today

I just knocked back some aleive --killer sinsus pressure and headache--I've got an allergist appointment ( my first ever --they are promising many skin tests in about a week and a half--I'm over this)

Have I moaned about all the bakery / coffee-bakery places that opened up near my house? First of all I already have a Dunkin Donuts and a Starbucks within exactly one mile. That's the Dunkin Donuts with mystical - singing - siren voices that waft through the air across the neighborhood and in to my brain. Should I choose to answer those sirens is always the question. Starbucks is not as much of a draw.

Baked Goods are my own personal Kryptonite. If a Paneras or Great Harvest Bread company opens up in my area , I'm doomed.

But a nice little bookstore / coffee shop / pool hall !!? opened up less than a block from my house. A nice shady bike ride away. This is the second one in that location. This would be the third coffee shop on that street in the last few years and all have failed previously. I went in last week and had an iced coffee and a piece of biscotti...home made biscotti that was more like a slightly dry muffin than what I'm used to. but a good dry muffin. The owners greeted me and patted me and thanked me for coming in. I had to help the guy behind the register figure out how to function...you had to be there.

I've had a sad feeling ever since I saw that people were putting money in to redoing this space once again for a coffee shop effort. But since I 've been told I have a gift for bringing in customers to stores ( seriously, it magically happens sometimes and I've been told this by NewAGEY folks), I'm gonna ride the bike up there on Saturday morning, get some coffee and biscotti and sit on the patio outside with my journal and see what I can do.TEE HEEE HEEE..I'll try anyway.

Ok, in the very same shopping center a cupcake place and a bakery 'cakery' opened and about a half mile down the road from there another bakery opened. This is a way-out-from the cool kids in Atlanta-in-the-boonies- middle to lower middle class suburbs where I reside. Houses stay on the market for a year and sell now well below what we paid for them. If this were hip Midtown or Decatur or upscale Buckhead or the side of town where music stars and sports players lived, I'd think they have a chance.

I'm avoiding the 3 bakery places. My special customer-drawing powers will only be granted to the place where people would think to mix a coffee shop-book store -and pool hall. My kinda people.