Working. A dog at my feet asleep with her chin resting on my big toe. The kitty man asleep on my desk on top of a phone list that I need. David Bowie singing "Let's Dance" on the radio. Yes, David , LET"S! Sips of Diet A & W Root beer while I note the lessening of the itchy ears and throat that the Claritin brings me.
I worry that it's mold. It probably is mold. What will happen if it's mold? How much will it cost?
I don't want to blow that moment of gratitude and peace. My camera. I'll take a photo. Gratitude for the moment before the mold worry came. Fleeting.
Unconscious eating. UE. EWE-female sheep. The phrase of the day ?
I am very proficient in this form of eating. Distractions to use: TV, TV, TV, computer, books, magazine, work computer. Staring out the window is also a favorite of mine.
distraction + eating = hmmmmmmmmm
let me think on this a bit. Lots of food, lots of pounds, numbing effect, near coma like effect, automation, robotic behavior, habit, habit, comfort, habit, butt molded like shape of sofa.
That doesn't sound good. Well, I might as well be a sheep.
STOP , I don't want to do this.
Easy peasy --stop eating with distractions. Stop eating in front of the tv. Stop eating while working. Stop eating unless you are mindful and aware and conscious and really looking at , tasting , experiencing the food.
Stomps feet and pouts--but I wanna watch tv. I wanna read my book. I wanna stare in to space. It's comforting . I've always done it that way. It's homey. It's what I do. It's what I enjoy. It's easy. It's comforting......whine.....
but it isn't working gotta choose. And at least this really hit home finally and all before 8:30 am .
I guess I fit the OWN channel demographics perfectly because so far I'v really liked many of their documentary style shows. Liked might not be a strong enough expression here; More liked hooked and fascinated and even watched a few episodes more than once. I didn't plan on watching any of these. But I found myself relating to these people. ME? relating to a celebrity? not in a stalkerish way, but yea. I got a bachelors in nursing but minored in sociology , psychology, and English lit. In other words, I guess I'm nosy and like to see what makes people tick and how they live . But it all comes down to "Uh, if they are going through that , maybe I'll get through this."
I'm not a country music fan---but Shania Twain's show was more about dealing with grief and betrayal and learning to trust and how to have faith in yourself. Shania is also a little chatterbox and had a tough life as a kid. She sounds very off key and tentative as she struggles with her singing and then absolutely magical when it all comes together. This show is built around an uber roadtrip from Canada to the Southwest and the Bahamas show up too. Pretty scenery. I 'm a new fan and I really like a new song she is releasing which you hear about 30 times in the 6 episodes of the show.
Then the country music duo the Judds-Naomi and Wynonna, and I'm not a fan of their music either. Their show was more about communication , mother daughter relationships, and dealing with abuse issues and a real behind the scenes view of life on a concert tour. Also a scenic bus tour of the US with a therapist on tour along the way. hmmmm Their choice of hair color is amazingly vibrant. Wow. But I did pick up some communication tips and I have to say it has helped. New fan but not of the music. Definitely Folks I'd want to sit on the porch with and have a chat and sip iced tea.
Addicted to Food was just right for a viewpoint of Eating disordered treatment and it mirrored some of the issues I was dealing with at the time. I learned a lot about myself from that one. I think Miss Tenny who runs the ED rehab needs to write a book. More Texas scenery. Interesting bunch of just regular folks.
OWN is now showing two of these docu style shows. One is about Ryan and Tatum Oneal father daughter actors--recovering addicts, well I think Tatum is anyway. I've only seen one episode. Ryan lives in Malibu on the beach, so that is a slamdunk as far as interesting scenery. Dysfunction, recovery from addiction , communication, reconciliation, getting your life back on track. Continues the theme.
But so far the most painful is Finding Sarah about Sarah Ferguson -the Duchess of York as she goes through a journey of self discovery. She is trying to reclaim a sense of her self and a sustainable life and has most of Oprah's team (Dr. Phil and Suzy Orman and Martha Beck)along for guidance. If you are not aware she was involved in a scandal last year that had to do with taking bribes though her reasons don't jibe with the video that is out there. A major fall from grace. (And she had already fallen due to all the hullabaloo that led to her divorce from Prince Andrew years before).
Oh, Fergie. This is one of the most shattered people. She seems so frail and so off track and self-depreciating one minute. Then she's holding her own against Dr Phil and a snooty book editor. I feel really uncomfortable watching her because she sooooo doesn't get what people are telling her and then when she says she get's it ..ahhh? you are just not sure she really does. But then she handles something else with such openness and honesty and bravery. She walks around in unflattering shoes and clothes and she seems like just an ordinary girl. Probably why we all liked her when she was dating and then marrying Prince Andrew and being Weight Watchers spokes person. I have several of her books from the Weight Watcher's days. Prince Andrew sounds like he is truly a prince and really cares for her still. Gotta like Fergie and hope for the best for her. Scenery across the US and Great Britain make this a must see for me.
I'm wondering who is next. Can I handle any more of these? Good grief.
So 40ish, couch psychologist/sociologist here who likes to travel and take roadtrips. Hmmmmmm...Definitely Oprah's demographic.
Sometimes the rule .."It's my blog and I'll post what I darn well want to.." comes in to play.
I just ran across the latest Pride and Prejudice film in rerun. sucked in yet again. Ahhhhh, Mr Darcy. I've seen it a good half dozen times already but the music, the clothes, Mr Darcy. Even silly Mr Collins. My husband rolls his eyes and at least likes Keira Knightly.
May need to re -read the book....... That would be even better.
Then this fine fellow as the original Mr Darcy. Now, a bit more royal in The King's Speech
...And they are making a film of this.....who will play Mr Darcy in this?
not the Sundance catalog but close..pretty close to my pjs tonight--but I love this look.
Pjs=== blue and pink flowery and lace ruffle with white ribbon. These fall in to the category of "Girly girl" and look like clothes from the Sundance Catalog. I ithink they are like 20yrs old though. ...coffee: none, nada. gotta sleep.
Seems to be a Friday thing I like to do a little summary for the week. I'm so full of gratitude that the darn work week is over. If I have to sit at that desk one more minute I'll go postal.
Attitude: tonight at Zumba our usual teacher was out and we had a sub. Not as challenging but still singing and dancing which gives me joy, joy One of the dancing folk in my area of the workout room was in a snit. She didn't like the music , didn't find it to be a physical challenge, and rudely just made a face and waked off the dance floor.
"Get a grip sista..change is inevitable and can be good for ya" is what I wanted to say , but I actually did say to her that I was enjoying the music and it's good to mix it up with different teachers now and then. And it was fun though not as challenging.
--Saw the doctor today , or actually saw the physican assistant because my doc only works part time and is harder to get in for an appointment. This was my physical. I shared about my weight loss and the return and escalation of old eating disorder behavior that hasn't plagued me in as much until recently. Months/ years of deprivation drove me over the edge on that one, and still trying to find my way back. The Ekg must have been good because she didn't have to call me back about it. The nursing assistant got the vein on my the first stick. My height was the same--I seem to be much shorter lately but apparently not. Wt-less than last time, more than when I ran the 3 K in April.
--Earlier this week I volunteered again to make lunches for the kiddies who would have no lunches since schools' out for summer. Now, I consider this a gift because I looked out the window of our church over towards the food bank housed on our property. A family was holding hands and praying over the trunk of food they had just received from the food bank. This wasn't just a little prayer, this was a silent, majestic prayer and they took their sweet time and were obviously truly thankful in the blessings of the gifts from the food bank. I prayed for them too, there on the spot.
--falling asleep at the computer now ..time for sleep, I say. hard to type with my eyes closed. Hard to open my eyes......g'night
I surrender. Won't try it again. I give up. Boxes of cereal are just not something I can handle .
For some reason there is one kind of Kashi cereal -Heart to Heart Warm Cinnamon Oat that isn't a problem . I can buy a box and keep it for more than a month just putting a quarter cup to a handful here or there over yogurt or cottage cheese. The crunchy -smooth combo is what I like.
But ANY other cereal-no. Cereal in milk. NO!...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo. Negatory. Big N-O. The sugar . The carbs. A cereal fog. I just totally forgot. I forget how easy it is to eat.
And I forget it was my first official binge food-the one I remember crawling out of a crib for to eat sitting on the floor and watching cartoons and The Three Stooges. I'm talking Old school cereal-- Sugar Pops, Raisin Bran, Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks. Now that is some sugar.
I tried Granola a couple of months ago and that was a no go. These days I even have issues with Fiber One and Special K. Tonight I forgot and was swayed by the "Buy one get one free" sales at Publix. It made perfect sense when I was walking down the aisle. Yea, Special K Cinnamon Pecan--(not that I believed it) but the darn box even has a weight loss and a body image exercise on the back of the box....Riight!
I gave it the soap treatment and tossed it. The other box is heading to the food bank tomorrow. I'm trying to make peace with some of the black and white food police thinking and behaviors, but certain standards remain.
No cereal in the house is a basic standard--hard and fast rule...forever more. This post is a reminder of that . Post. Hah! sneaky cereal people.
somebody's Xena photo copied from the internets**** Caliente!
Zumba Warrior Princess---I just like writing that**
Zumba makes me feel happy. I mean really happy. After an hour of booty shaking , grinding, disco dancing, jumping, shimmying, bumping, salsa-ing, skipping, merengue-ing, , doin the hustle, whatevering, -I'm sweaty, high on endorphins, smiling. Big smiles. I managed 2 1/2 classes last week. If they had zumba every day with different teachers I'd go because I've found that it's like an entirely , completely different thing based on the teacher you have. Ours is a cheerleader..she cheers us on ..we have fun..we are burning up. she is dripping wet with sweat when it's over. She's loving it therefore we love it.
And I love the music. I love singing. Some songs are in spanish and I sing what I think they are saying: "caliente! Da roof is on FI ARE!", "wiggle just a little mo".."rose rigu lalala" "Her so amig hersomigo"..?? I stand in the same area with the same people and just flat out apologized once, if I offended them with my singing , but ' by Gawd I gotta sing and dance'. They just laugh. They sing too. Kumbia Kings, J Lo, Beyonce, Ludaris, Usher, Celo, Flo Rida, Black Eyed Peas, Shakira, Pitbull, some unknown latino zumbaish band(to me)
Things I saw or did in Zumba recently: --we square danced to one song --we chug water between dances and wipe sweat off our faces and out of our hair --we had a competition on best booty shaker --we tried striking and holding a pose as long as we could --2 little 4 year old girls were in class with their moms and were loving it and making everyone in class happy just to watch them --One guy in class and loving it --one woman with probably her husband who had never been..he was sweating up a storm. I tried to put the reserves on myself in case I needed to do cpr. --one slightly chubby mom standing and watching her daughter dance and trying to pull her away with bribes of ice cream and this kid wanted to dance, screw the ice cream! --Probably a little 12 yr old obese girl in there dancing and loving it. I was proud of her. --Me -fair , fat ,red faced, singing, 48 and loving it. occasionally, passing gas by accident and feeling embarrassed. how does that happen? --One song has a "cucoooo!" bird sound and months ago only our teacher did it and now the whole class cucoos and strikes a bird pose.. --Our teacher yells out..."next class on Friday!" and some people chant "Friday" and laugh as they walk out. We always talk to each other as we leave..total strangers, best buds for that hour or so ..congratulating, commenting about someones perfume that rose above the sweat smells, how we wanna zumba all night long or at least more that 2 to 3 times a week.
**After I posted this I wanted to add something. When I weighed 345 I wouldn't have had the guts to go to this class and what a shame. I now weigh 220ish and I revel in this class. For some, 220 would be a number they couldn't go to a gym or dance class at. That is so wrong! Live life. Do It. We are all out there just doing our own thing and you'll miss life if you don't try things. Heck , if folks needed to go and just sit in a chair and do the arm movements our class would love that too and just have joy in sharing the fun.
(excuse me while I step up on a soap box (cans of peaches) and try to plant a little seed of inspiration)
So , School Lunch Programs--free or reduced priced school lunches.
I don't have kids , so it's not really on my radar to think about this. Apparently , in the county I live as many as 67% of the students at one school qualify for and rely on this program. But wait, I was a school lunch program kid back in the day. Yea, my dad died when I was in high school, my mom was disabled, and money was a 'wee bit' tight. I worked a part time job and I wouldn't have been hungry without the program, but it sure helped my mom with our tight financial budget
Ironically for this food addict, my church's main ministry is a food bank for the people of our community and it helps thousands every week. The church houses the food bank on our property and grows a sort of victory garden farmed by volunteers to provide fresh veggies for the clients. We co-host an annual 5k to raise money for food. Every week several people donate time, food, and money. It's a small church, but I can see that we make a difference. The food bank sure makes a difference.
I have a sense of guilt that I'm obese. I'm a food addict who has difficulty with control of food, and yet I volunteer and support a food bank. It seems ridiculous, and yet I can see it probably is a part of a bigger, divine plan. I actually find it easier not to deal with the actual sorting and distribution of food because all that food triggers me. I'm learning that I have a lot of emotion triggered by deprivation, so the ministry of this food bank really touches me. I know many people go hungry and are deprived of many things. I can only focus on what I can try to do something about. And, the fact that when school is out kid's may not eat lunch or even at all kinda pisses me off and makes me weepy. Don't even get me started on some of the elderly patients I would visit as a home health nurse. I ran the 3K at the race this year and donated enough with my sponsorship money to represent a dollar for every pound I've lost and want to lose.
But this isn't about me so let me redirect this. Our pastor told a story at this springs 5K race . During this year's snow storm that shut Atlanta down for a week, people were showing up in the snow and ice at the food bank because their kids were hungry and missing out on their main hot meal of the day- The school lunches. So what happens during the summer time when school is out of session?
Our church is one of many that supports the community food bank in making lunches for some of these kids. One night each week a few ladies at our church get together and create 60 bag lunches from supplies donated by our members. Those 60 bags represent next Friday's lunch and are 60 of the 400 lunches that are going to be served that day . 2000 lunches total for a week. And we need to do more. That's just for a few of the kids at a few of the schools in part of one county. Thursday night, I made about 30 turkey / cheese sandwiches while my partners assembled a pack of chips, cup of applesauce, and cookies in to a bag. I made those sandwiches with love.
It was my first time to volunteer to make lunches and I'll keep doing it through the summer. It doesn't seem like much or enough, and I want to do more. Yes, get out of my comfort zone and do more. So, I wrote this little post. Not to get anyone to donate to our food bank but to put this out there. Plant a seed. You in your own communities either have or need food banks that need to be nurtured.
And I wonder: Why don't all churches grow veggie gardens for the hungry of their community? Why can't park space also be utilized and farmed by volunteers. Couldn't we teach more people to be self sufficient? What about people who have back yard gardens and have excess veggies from say a bumper zucchini crop? Do they donate it to anyone? And the school lunch issues? What about the other county's? The other states?
I get overwhelmed thinking about the big picture. I'd love to hear what other people are doing in their communities or if you have other solutions or maybe want and do get involved. I never feel I do enough for others, and this blog reflects how much I focus on food in my life. I can see that food and real deprivation comes in to a healthier perspective when I look outside of my little world.
(climbs off soap box (cans of peaches) and feels a little better getting that off my chest)
Seems I want to make this a weekly thing. I look forward to all the possibilities of a weekend. Time to be me. I over schedule and hope to squeeze a lot of stuff in . I get only a quarter of what I wanted to do done and then feel guilty. I feel guilty and beat up on my self and 'over promise and under deliver' to myself all the time.
Gotta change That.
Also, Gratitude. Gotta, Gotta Have Gratitude. We are all blessed.
Here it is in no particular order..
1. Spend some time looking at the art of Monet and Renoir and Van gogh in a picture book. 2. Spend time under the magic oak tree in my yard where it's always magically cooler 3. Re-read a Sookie Stackhouse book as TRUE BLOOD starts up again next weekend True Blood's "sookie , eric, bill"--go team eric!
4. Watch a movie...watched Shrek Forever After last night with my husband and then had a 9 pm walk with the pups 5. Work on organizing / clean up in our bedroom -laundry too 6. Grateful for church which brings me community , and working with the other ladies last night to create school lunches for kids who are not in school in the summer and would not have food otherwise 7. For my work sending me a second monitor for my computer that will help me be even more organized and less ADD while working 8. Duran Duran concert tickets go on sale tomorrow ...and Stevie nicks I still have Duran Duran's RIO album..the actual album
9. blueberries 10 Hmmmmmmm, I'm liking Van Morrisson's music a lot these days...maybe his music..
***BLACK WIDOW ALERT** click on photo for a better view
FUZZY BUT THE CLASSIC RED HOUR GLASS MARKINGS ARE THERE
So, I went to the ladies garden party last night and it was lovely. This yard is like something out of a fairy tale or from my imagination of an English glade. I was looking for fairys and little magical beings under hydrangeas and moss. I have photos but haven't uploaded yet. May share later. Just loverly.
But for me and my hard Georgia clay yard, gardening is hit or miss. I'm more of a 'pot on a patio' gardener. Let's see , I've killed 2 pots worth already. I just can't seem to stay on top of the watering dept.
Herb gardening is the focus right now mainly. I like to pull little bits to add to recipes. Basil, oregano, cilantro..just never got around to getting dill or mint. Cilantro got burned by the sun and is gone gone, but here she was in her shining glory with a little visitor. I don't like Black widows and this one led a good life before it's demise.
My front yard HAD a lovely purple butterfly bush, and the water department just bull dozed her down to put in some new pipes or something. ERGH! I asked them to go dig up another area that has posion oak in it for me since my butterfly bush (with birds nest) is gone. He just laughed at me. I was only 1/2 cup of coffee down at the time. Now it makes no sense.
Zombies are just busting out all over here in the ATL. Atlanta. It's amusing as the news and traffic announcers give us updates on where the zombie filming will be each day for the second season of the television show The Walking Dead . Last week there were zombies in a simulated mass highway traffic accident near the raceway. This week the zombies are near the mall in Vinings. Want some new flip flops and a maxi dress to go with those yummy brains? We have warnings that 'there will be simulated gunfire' near the scene as well. As if we didn't have the real deal gunfire already...in some areas.
And the CDC is in on it too. Check this site out. http://www.bt.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp
It's all in fun. If it didn't take an hour to drive down to where they are filming and if I didn't have a job I'd be there in a flash. Sign me up to be an extra.
Otherwise, a quick update on the weekend. Movie review "Midnight in Paris"..charming little valentine to Paris, art, literature, and the past. Not for everyone. If you are interested, see it soon and don't listen to anything or read anything about it and just enjoy. I didn't know it was about what it is about. And I'm not a fan of Owen Wilson, but I still liked it.
Food was not as good as during the week. Oh, the food tasted good, but my handle on eating for hunger and making the best choices wasn't. I was really bothered by how obsessed my mind is with weight, the cause and effect of eating off of rigid diet controls , and the concern for regaining weight. There's about a dozen other things I could say but won't. But it is a natural concern as I made some not as good choices. Can't do anything about it but recognize it, learn, and keep on. Plan better. DO BETTER. The eating disordered body / weight / worry obsession is more proof that I've lost the balanced approach and need to just keep on with my meal plan and Intuitive Eating.
Oh, And the result of some of those bad choices is an Upset tummy today. Just drinking water with my Prevacid , thank you.
Girl + no coffee = Talk about ya zombie. I had to take a nap for my lunch break and actually slept.
Plan for today: Get through this day . Start a new one tomorrow. Be grateful.
Just now I was writing in my journal today and I realized that to me, looking 'forward to' and having 'gratitude for' are connected. Interwoven. If I don't recognize what I''m grateful for or have an appreciation for all things living, then Am I really living?
Philosophy..barely passed in college. Uh, anyway, here's the list for today:
1. Looking forward to seeing this movie this weekend. Mostly because I like movies set in France, Art by Vincent Van Gogh, Stars and nighttime scenes, Kathy Bates, Michael Sheen , Rachel Mcadams (those 2 are dating). I think Woody Allen can be hit or miss --I liked Hannah and her Sisters and Annie Hall. 2. Either doing or getting a pedi this weekend. 3. Spending time at Barnes and Nobles with my gift cards . 4. Sleeping. 5. Watching a scary movie at home with the lights off. 6. Zumba tonight and Sunday 7. Running 8. Finding a 5k running program--structure, goals, motivation...open to suggestion
9. No weight gained on another week of intuitive eating. Yes, folks it's true. I've eaten pretty much what I wanted within 1400-1800 calories and haven't gained. Clothes fitting same or loose. Less out of control eating than last week. It's working. Learning that there is gray and it's a lovely color compared to black and white.
10. And Almost always on my list, Claritin or it's generic form. I'm allergic to dust and the cat. Our cat decided he didn't want to go outside last night. When he heard me shout "Outside" which is the last call for potty break outside for the dogs , he went straight under the sofa to hide. My husband pulled him out and he ran straight to the bedroom and climbed up in to the underside of our box springs. Moving the bed around, to pull him out kicked up a little dust storm and the newly discovered house lost and found dept.
"Ooohh , there's my pillow from Sedona!" Claritin this morning soothes the itchy throat, nose, ears, eyes. Get some.
I've been posting itty bits about my jump off the diet - binge cycle. Itty bitty bits because it is like trying to speak a new language and being embarrassed with the way you pronounce things. It's not being sure you are using the words right or that you really understand or trust yourself. Very little it seems. So Far. Now, calories or WW points or fat grams-that language I know and speak fluently.
Thursday is round 3 with the new nutritionist. I'm reading the book "Intuitive Eating" which has been a great resource for me and makes 100% sense to me now. Funny that my last nutritionist recommended this book to me back when I weighed 320 lbs , but I just wasn't ready for it then. I wasn't at this place in my journey. I just passed the ear-marked page which was all I had read back then. I remember it seemed impossible, a fairy tale and a bunch of hooey. " Not for me! Give me rules and black and white. I'm in a hurry here. I want a food plan!"
I know that structure and the planning and everything I did then as far as dieting and exercise was right for me at the time. But it hasn't been working for a while and it becomes more clear to me every day how screwed up I'd gotten with intermittent spurts of rigid, diet control versus being flat out of control with food and then beating up on myself until I was whipped in to submission.
Here's a peep in to this new world for me. I woke up thinking about the scale today. I immediately realized from another part of my brain--"Whoa! obsessed much? and how much do I think about the scale?"...Well, a lot. I tallyed up 3 times by 10 am. 6 times by 4pm. Probably 20 times by now. Haven't weighed. Won't weigh till tomorrow. I know my clothes fit. My size 18 jeans that just started fitting a couple of months ago still fit fine. I wear those when I go out to eat versus elastic wasteband pants, so I'm reminded of what my body feels like at this size. But I'm so aware now of that scale obsession and some of the craziness I've had around it. Damn scale.
I will admit that by not weighing I haven't judged myself as much. I don't 100% trust myself or my body yet. I felt hunger and ate a balanced meal. I wasn't hungry again for another 4 hours. I felt full after eating another time. I wanted ice cream and ate a small scoop. I didn't want french fries with my meal and didn't get them. The meal I always stare at on the menu , I finally had a half portion of. Eh. No biggie. No desire to ever have that again. I did great yesterday and felt free from food addict thinking and behavior. Today was a little different--not as happy and shiny. Monday got a little out of control with one thing and I pinpointed what that was all about. I didn't trust myself and that lack of trust and understanding led to being out of control. Like I said, this is like walking on shifting sand. I'm working on it..just not talking so much about it.
***addendum Thursday AM--blogger comments isn't working again so in reply for Alan. I expect people who are in the diet mentality to not get this. I didn't. I needed a diet to lose weight. And I'm not where society or I want to be weight-wise ( mine doesn't match society's idea exactly). But so many years in to this journey, 2 years of maintaining over 100 lb loss, and having old eating disorder behavior kick in to high gear from diet restriction behavior is enough to make me expand my viewpoint. I would have agreed 100% a year ago that intuitive Eating is a sure fire way to gaining weight back.
One of the ways I stuck with great diet control during my big losing phase was avoiding social functions that focused on food. Church food events at our church are notorious. In the last 4 years I've only been to a couple of the yearly dozens of events because I knew I would be obsessing over the good food. I'd tried and tried but all those goodies were just too overwhelming.
This year the ladies Garden party is coming around and I wanted to go . No more missing out on life. It's a dinner served in a garden setting--think SouthernLiving styled tables under Oak trees with chandeliers and candles and flowers everywhere. It's fun to get dolled up and float around in the garden in floaty, spring clothes. All I need is a hat.
This year I signed up to bring the veggie tray and I bought the ingredients last night. I start with a Kroger veggie tray and then transfer it to a nicer serving dish with added veggies and cheese. Stocked up at Krogers last night. I'm cleaning up the kitchen and brewing coffee this morning and I mention to my husband that I'll be out tonight.
Hubby "Oh, the garden party is next week." I look at my little girly invite. sho nuff. ME "Darn, We'll be eating crudites all week then. That's a big ooops!."
2 cool points if you can figure out where that phrase is from without using the Internet to search**answer at bottom of post
Saturday am Pjs: One of my husbands' over sized t shirts Coffee: Dunkin Donut French vanilla..what else Breakfast: Protein/oatmeal/cinnamon/walnut pancake, one beautiful luscious perfect strawberry, low fat cheddar cheese stick Whatcha doin: watchin the news, blogging, journaling, planning the day, being a source of warmth for my dog Angel
Paradigm Shift is a concept I learned in my first nursing job when I was trained on Total Quality Management and then had to help train other coworkers and carry it out. From then on at almost every job I've had, I've been put on the quality improvement committees. Find a problem, research the best way to deal with it from the people that really know how to do it, create a plan, carry out and then evaluate in order to tweak it. I'm analytical and also a dreamer , so this is perfect for me.
Since then, I embrace that concept in my life. 'If it ain't working, fix it.' Throw all the issues out there and see what trickles down in to place. Sometimes I don't want to do the 'new thing'. Usually later on, I can't believe I didn't try it before. The willingness to try the new thing is the biggest hurdle. Change is inevitable.
Lotta paradigm shifting going on in Pj Geek world....here are some.
1. My employer is sending me new and additional computer equipment for my home office, so I had to rearrange the furniture to make room for it. I love, love ,love my new set up. It is so much more spacious and functional and aesthetically pleasing. I've been cramped and hunched over and messy since I started working at home. This new arrangement makes perfect sense. It's as if things clicked in to place. Hunh, why didn't I think of this sooner?
2. Hawt! Summertime and it's sticky, hot, and humid in Georgia. I walk my two dogs for exercise and socialization and smellovision for them. We have a fenced in back yard, but this is their favorite thing to do. In summer, I usually walk them a little earlier in the morning or at night. But it's been miserable even at these times. Since I get up at 6:45am and just putter, I decided to try walking them then before we have breakfast. Less people, less other dogs, we see rabbits. My elder dog can tolerate it better. We've started up our metabolisms before breakfast and still have the option of a nighttime walk. While I'd rather be sleeping or staying in pjs, it's a win win for all.
3. The food thing..Intuitive Eating. Work in progress. This is probably the biggest change going on right now for me. I had to hit rockbottom-binges and a panic attack to accept the need to change. You see, I could not have lost over 130lbs without having done exactly everything I've done in the last 4 years. I lost weight having rules, black and white, rigid planning and counting calories and relying on others to tell me what to eat. My food plans adjusted along the way as my body did. I even ate food from 2 different meal delivery systems intermittently because I couldn't always trust myself to choose correctly, prepare correctly, or measure portions correctly. I exercised A LOT. It worked. And I don't think I could have done it any faster.
Since in the last several months when I've been trying to actually "diet" more, my old eating disorder behaviors have started back -plus new ones. I want and need to lose another 30ish pounds and I want it now. But now, after years of focus on this and when I follow a restrictive diet of lower calories, it creates problems. I have actions and feelings of rebellion, rebound eating, and intermittent binges. My body responds by pooping only maybe twice a week, periods stop, and the body isn't happy. I poop out at the gym from not enough energy.
Emotionally / mentally, there has been more stress and disordered behavior in the last few months than I'd had in the last 4 years. It has a lot to do with control, not trusting myself, and rebounding from trying to restrict at the same time that I'm going through some breakthroughs in therapy and coping with my new body image. and a panic attack....new one. Feelings of vulnerability would be the best way to describe it.
So I sought help from a new nutritionist with an eating disorder focus and Intuitive Eating is the recommendation. I shudder as I hate the name and concept. Buncha Hooey! Not for me. Give me rules and rigid structure.
But I'm about 3 weeks in now and I'm actually still following a food plan but not as rigidly. I plan my food, but with flexibility. She wants me to still eat more calories and I don't trust it yet. I just can't let go of the structure I'd created. The point is the binges and mindless overeating have lessened and almost completely stopped. No panic. A little more of the balance and peace that I wanted my blog and my life to be about originally.
The diet mentality and lifestyle and the food addiction are entrenched in me, so this is a major paradigm shift. Not weighing myself and not focusing on losing weight is foreign. I'm not perfect. I'm learning. I weighed today and my body is starting to lose weight . My body is functioning more normally again. I don't think I could have lost and maintained the loss for almost 2 years now without the structure and path I'd taken before, so this is like walking on shifting sand.
I'm going to make some changes in my blog world to help guide me a bit. I'm going to be blogging more about this and less the traditional focus on weight loss and dieting. I also need to read less blogs that focus on weight loss and diet, so I'm going to change up the blogs on my blog list (and if you want to drop me from yours that is fine too.) No problem. It's going to be tough to wean myself off some of your blogs, but I'll have you guys on my blog reader to check in on once in a while. On the other hand, there are IE /maintenance bloggers and even Dietgirl that are living this lifestyle. Hoping to find more.
**the BRADY BUNCH sang this song --groovy 70's pop culture icons of cheese
Hot in the burbs here, mid 90's and humid. The evening stroll with the pups was less than stellar, as a neighbor's bigger dog was out on the loose scaring my girls and chasing bikers. Superfun.
This morning, I was still pumped with endorphins from the workouts of the night before.. I felt like running. Time to start training for a 5k. I have one staked out for November, but want to get one in between now and then. I like how it felt to be focused with goals , training, and pushing myself. If I can't run it I'll walk it BY GAWD! (true southern accent) So some treadmill time was planned, but first to Office Max for a white bookcase for my office.
Halfway through Office Max , my husband says "You are walking funny. Are you ok? you're dragging your feet?"..About that time , I realized my back was hurting and he was right. I was kind of walking like a marionette. My top half wasn't fluid with my lower half. I guess the workouts of Tuesday night: the bouncey elliptical trainer and the pump class afterward did a number to my spine / back muscles. Without the endorphins, I was outta sync.
Rest day, then. Damn, it's a bother getting old.
Then hubby suggests going out to eat. We do. I make some good choices, some not as good, and part of my meal came home and will be lunch for tomorrow. It's the only way I justify eating out twice in one week. To the husband, "No more!" Then on the way home he wants Brewsters..as in ice cream. I didn't get any. I really didn't want any. I didn't want to spend the calories, I didn't want the full feeling, I had really enjoyed my dinner. And if i did want some, I wanted low sugar or a Skinny Cow fudgebar at 50 cal. He was initially upset that I didn't get any but then accepted it.
Out of sync there too.
I bypassed ice cream. Gotta bottle that feeling and the thought processes that went in to that choice and sell it on an infomercial.
I'm a Geek for many things: Food, Pajamas, Coffee, Chocolate, Movies, Books, getting and being fit and healthy, 80's music, and the list goes on and on .....A nurse, a diabetic, I've lost over 130 lbs and have more to go . And I actually enjoy working out.
I chose the names of Ms. PJ Geek and PJ and Pounds because I have happy memories of childhood, coming in dirty and sweaty from playing in the yard. Then taking a bath, putting on a fresh nightgown and feeling all new again . I felt like a princess. Fresh renewal. .........
All names and situations will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, and so I can keep my job. While I am a nurse, I do not intend this to be a blog with specific directions or guidelines for healthcare. And.....though I have a college degree, that was a long time ago ya'll, and I don't remember proper punctuation or grammar.