Spitting out the bones-not a blog about Pirates or is it?

Is that a bone in his hair?

Ahoy mateys!

Saw this movie yesterday...... Seen one, seen them all. But I enjoyed it, And there were mermaids. And Johnny. Nuff said. So, 2 hours for your brain to turn mushy and just chill out. That's all you need sometimes.

Ok, the bony part

At my lunch break today I surfed blogs briefly while checking the online gym class schedule . I only looked at a few, but 3 blogs either through pictures or words just about drove me to food. Why do we do this? I had the stirrings of a major jonesin for a muffin or dessert thing and it took a while to simmer down the coals of that jonesin. (I'm guilty of this too, absolutely, and I might think about this before I blog about it next time.)

Don't need this crap.

Another blog inspired me to work out a little harder and inspired me to push myself on intensity at the gym tonight. I burned up 150 calories on the new bouncy elliptical thing at the gym in less than 15 minutes. Then on to the weight training class where I pooped out after just 40 minutes--either not enough or the right kind of snack before the gym. Fuel gauge on E.

It isn't the blog or blogger's fault, It just is.

Sometimes we are social. Sometimes we talk about having binges. Some days we talk about exactly what we ate and how many times we shook our ass. Sometimes it's about what it took or meant to not have that cookie. Sometimes we crow about losing that certain number of pounds or hitting that number or breaking that plateau. Some days we just show pictures or talk about the grand kids or dog babies. Sometimes we feel like failures and pour our hearts out. Some days we just try to gently nudge someone in the right direction because we understand getting mired down in our own crap. Sometimes we don't understand each other.

'Spitting out the bones' is figuring out what doesn't sit well with you and choosing to stop letting it affect you. If it doesn't make sense or feel right or is a turn off , then turn it off. Shut it down. Stop letting it have an effect on you.

This post is for me and I posted it here for others to read. Maybe someone needs to hear this today or it sounds pissy. If you don't get it or like it, then spit out the bones.

Memorial Day

Small town roadside reminders. Every war from WW1 to the current battles in Afghanistan and the Middle East are represented from this little community . Each cross: a name and a silk poppy and today someone left pink carnations as well. These break my heart, make me proud, and thankful-all in one.

Thank you

It's a Holiday thing and completely off any kind of plan: a food porn blog

Photo off the internet..this is really a table from Provinos..their garlic rolls and the big salad bowl with wooden spoons......

Memorial Day weekend..you're thinking , cook out, hot dogs, burgers, bbq , pool time. Chillin and grillin...watermelon... Sounds good.

After church, My husband says 'Let's go to Provinos. ' We debate. We toggle back and forth between seeing "Pirates of the Caribbean" and going to Provinos. Provinos is really THAT good. The last time we went was Easter, the time before Valentines, the time before New YEArs, um and the time before was my birthday.. a pattern? The food is so good and so decadent that we only go to this place on special occasions apparently.

And there is nothing health conscious or diet worthy on the menu. The ice water with lemons? All thoughts of health and diet and weight evaporate.

Provinos is a little unassuming strip-mall restaurant that is probably one of the better restaurants in the Atlanta metro. Better as in really tasty and consistent good food. The big shots in Atlanta proper probably never heard of Provinos because they all eat at Veni Vedi Vici or Nava. And for us folks in our suburb, Who would eat at a Macaroni Grill or Olive garden when you can have this? There are about 4 locations in Atlanta and I've been to 2. In our neck of the woods, EVERYONE goes to Provinos. The fact that they serve a full meal to you on your birthday for free keeps the place hoppin. The last 4 people who mentioned going out for a birthday to me , had all been to Provinos. It's what you do.

When you hit the interior you are suddenly transported to a bricked faux-outdoor patio -at night in Little Italy. With wood trellises, olive oil cans and wine bottles as accessories. There are even stained glass windows in little cubbys and corners and a full mural that make you feel like your little cute restaurant was built next to a church. Some might say cheesy but it's warm, dark, glows with a nighttime feel, and puts you in the mood. Frank Sinatra is always singing. Cozy, and intimate. As a comparison, I've been to Italian restaurants in New York and Boston and this just has a fun feel to me and easily as good food.

Then it has that sort of Disney magic. By this I mean the tone. The hostess and waitstaff all ask you "how you are this evening?", "what would you like to drink tonight?" "Can we get you some tiramasu or cheesecake for dessert tonight?".
Did you enjoy your dinner tonight?"

Um, ok?, it is just after noon right?

No . You were transported to another time and place. Enjoy.

Then, the meal. Always good whatever you get. Salad, Garlic rolls, and then anything you could imagine. The best. My husband likes the Chicken parm and I like to get something different each time..today Ziti. It was relatively low carb since there were about 6 ziti noodles total in the dish and the rest was garlic, sausage , red sauce, cheese. Low carb not low fat. The Mediterranean diet.

Then , once the last drop of red wine is sipped, the last dollop of red sauce is sopped up with the last crumb of garlic bread ,and then the little bits of garlic are licked off your finger, you realize you have to maneuver out of the booth. You are in a haze of Italian 'tonight'. If Tony Soprano was smoking a cigar by the bar you'd nod or wiggle your ass a little. Then you waddle towards the door. Complete shock, it's mid day with glaring sunlight bouncing off the chrome and glass of cars in this ordinary strip mall parking lot. Smoothee King lurks by the edge of the parking lot. It's like "Wha...!". Fantasy over.

It's hard to beat up on yourself for not following your food plan when you experience such a fine meal and fun companionship. Did you make good choices? Yes and no...sort of.. will the scale show a loss this week? probably by the end of the week but not in the next day or so. What will you eat the rest of the day? hmmmmm don't talk to me about food, but something later and lighter.

Guess we'll grill out tomorrow.

So what are You doing on your weekend?

3 day weekend...YEA..Still not in slug mode, so gonna get things done this weekend. I've started a list and been paring it down.

The basic foundation for me :
--don't get sucked in by the internet or Tv and just ..DWELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLlll
--don't get deer-in-headlights stuck in the immobility of overwhelmedness
--don't bite off more than I can chew ( in every way)
--have fun , don't spend a lot of money

Here's the list of things I WANT to do, and things I NEED to do, and things I know I WONT GET TO

1. go to farmers market this morning
2. go to gym
3. go to grocery store
4. maybe shop for some out door furniture, new purse, more herbs to plant, things I need for my home office update
5. yard work
6. See Pirates of the Carribean
7. Redo home office
8. redo part of the bedroom / vaccum really well/
9. laundry
10. grill out Sunday or Monday cheeseburgers salads / grilled veggies from Farmer's market
11. read, nap, watch movie, dishes, rest
12. Call friend and family
13. sit under the oak tree and soak up the serenity
14. maybe test drive a Honda FIT
15. Art time

If I do 1/3 of this list , I'll be doing good and have a great weekend.
For next week , food is pre planned and ready to go at least through Wednesday. Planning, prepping, having good choices, having treats planned in ---All good.

Whatcha DOIN?

UP and at em'! after celebrity dream #24

That Hair!

Dreamed that I / Sandra Bullock/ Julia Roberts were sort of the same person, lying in a hospital bed , and dying of kidney failure....? Steel Magnolias ?

I was also the nurse and I started yelling at the girl in the bed (me/sandy/juia) to "GET GOING. PULL IT TOGETHER. HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE! DO IT BY GAWD !!!"

Hunh!

So, I woke up at about 5:45 am and decided to just get at it. Since I'm in slug-mode 95% of the time when it comes to cleaning and organizing, I've got a lot to do. It's 7 am and My bathroom is clean (floor/baseboards/sink/tub/everything), dishes are washing, laundry is loaded and ready to go when the dishes are done. That's probably more than I've done in a week. (or 2). (or more).

I just went through and tossed a box of weight loss / Prevention magazines for the recycle bin and put all the diet books I could find on the lowest shelf. I'm tired of this crap. Purging it (out of the way versus throwing away).

I had my second meeting with my new Dietitian last night and I'm going to trust. Sort of intuitive eating but with a food plan .

baby steps.

If I "DIET" and eat too few calories and focus on getting to a weight, I rebound and go through a spurt of binges and then a binge phase. This is not just normal overeating and being an obese person. It's either been one extreme or another and I'm looking for the middle.

Now..time to start work. Scheduled today for repeat 6 month followup mammogram after my dicey one with ultrasound last fall.

That Hair! and Sandy looks about as sleepy as I feel.


4pm update : Mammogram done..boob good.

S'till Tuesday

Pjs: coral pinkish Lane bryant..with pockets.
Coffee: ok , yes it's 11:29 pm but I just finished a few ounces of iced coffee/ 2% milk and I'm bloggin' ( and watching United States of Tara on Showtime)

Wanted to blog because .....I took a bike ride at sunset and soaked up the smell of the neighborhood gardenia bushes in bloom....For real, life doesn't get richer than that.....I had a good day with food , no uncontrolled eating which was a first in several days-Day 1 of one daying it at a time.

Here

I'm here.

Getting back in to the swing of things.

Prayers for Joplin Missouri. I saw the aftermath in Tuscaloosa -both in the hearts and voices of her people and in the rubble. I have photos but do I want to post them? not sure.

Anyway, riding the see saw and tired of it.

Ready for balance and working on it.

Gratitude today: Meditation / prayer, petunias, girly pjs, A new day, air conditioning in 90+ temps

T- town bound this weekend

T as in Tuscaloosa , Alabama to see my sister and to see my nephew graudate from high school, which is a miracle . How many times can you get suspended and still graudate? Could he get expelled between today and Friday and still graudate? These are things I wonder for a reason. ( bad aunt)

T as in Tornado Torn Tuscaloosa-but oddly , the area my sister lives in was completely unaffected. The area she worked in was destroyed and the area where my mother had a house at one time was flattened. I will take photos, maybe. Depends on how it affects me.

I'm taking a boat load of plus size clothing. I always think there must be some people that lost everything that are plus sized that are having trouble finding replacement clothes. My understanding of the situation in the tornadoed areas of Alabama is that people are still missing and gone, complete lives are gone. They are still in need of money/food/cleaning supplies / care packages/ prayers.

T as in Trouble. I've actually kind of avoided traveling to visit my Alabama family for months now because I tend to get off track with eating on or after these trips. The driving long distances, the drama, usually there is yelling or high emotions (nephew/sister). I realized on one of my last visits that it reminds me of the drama of my childhood but with more police activity. Then there is the exposure to restaurant eating and proximity of Crackerbarrel restaurants everywhere.

T for team, /T for tricky. . But family calls, it means a lot to them that I am coming. Other than my husband, I don't have a lot of family and I love them. I am a bit off track right now , in general. I'll do well all day and then eat things that are not on my plan or I'll get in a tizzy and have a mini binge ( raisins, almonds, bowl of cereal). As my husband says, "At least it's healthy food"...oh yeah , but then ice cream -low fat / no sugar.

Trying to find my way. I see a new nutritionist tonight who specializes in Diabetes and Eating disorders. Glad to have a new member to my team. I'm packing up healthy snacks and my plan food which I'll eat for the most part this weekend. The trick is not getting to that place of reacting, or "what the hell?" and just going overboard.

T for treading carefully

Control Issues?: Celebrity Dreams # 22- 23 and 1/2 and at the end Gratitude

Nathan Fillion from Castle and Firefly

I wanted to write a blog ,but didn't want to write a blog. So I wrote this one anyway....just because.

Weight is coming off. My neck and shoulders are getting pretty bony. My tummy and hips and thighs are the same -fleshy. 'Ok, body, balance this stuff out a bit.' ' The neck is as skinny as it needs to be.' Control issues?

Control issues, got em. I'm working on this a bit and it is popping up in a lot of areas but centers mostly around food. Will spare you the details and analysis just know that I get it. I'm more reactionary than usual and the control issues are a challenge.

***** must meditate ******

DREAMS

I've posted that I have very vivid and detailed dreams and have a multitude of repeating themes, places, situations as well, I also dream about celebrities and the characteres they play. No idea why. Just do.


For the most part, dreams of the last week particularly have been too personal to blog about and just damn awful. I'm writing them down in a different journal. Not "using" food seems to let the boogie men in to my dreams which makes me wake up and want to use food. Vicious cycle.

But I have had some weird celeb dream fragments mish mashed in there. So here goes. For amusements and weirdness.

Oprah Final Show. I dreamed I was at Oprah's final show and they were going to do a big give away like the favorite things give away. My fellow audience member's and I were getting excited and realized they were about take us into a nearby auditorium to give us t-shirts and start filming us get our gifts. Then Oprah shows up and throws a hissy fit..something wasn't perfect. So they cancelled the t-shirts and gifts and told us it was over . Bye bye.

Say What?!!!!!! Maybe I'm miffed about the Oprah show ending? But I barely watch it?



I dreamed about a haunted plantation during Civil War times and the Actor Nathan Fillion was a ghost/vampire character. I don't even watch anything this guy is or was in (Castle, Firefly) . This was much spookier than it sounds and the dream was about as detailed as an enclycopedia, so this is the mini-cliff note book cover one-line blurb version........... And there were weird decorations that looked like giant pieces of toast and whole grain bread the size of cars. ....just strange. spooked me out.

The 1/2-----I had a dream that I don't remember, but the actor Jesse Eisenberg that starred in the movie Social Networking was in it but just playing as a character. My dreaming editor brain part acknowledged..'hey, that is that actor from that Social Networking / Zombieland movies". But it was just him playing a character standing around in my dream. Liam Neeson (about a hundred different movies ) also appeared in another dream, but that was one of the bad ones.

Where did all those fun Johnny Depp dreams go? Or the good dreams with the cast of Mad Men ? Even that torrid romance dream I had with the Biggest Loser's Bob Harper would be better?

It's all about control. I guess.

***** Must Meditate more*****





Gratitude: Today, I am grateful I bought some Dunkin Donuts coffee On sale at Target to have when I wake up in 5 or 6 hours. I have clean pink pjs on. The weather is cooler for some reason. It's time for me to go to bed ..nite nite.

Metamorphosis in progress

Long one, but cool photo at the end.

I'm going through a lot of changes right now in my thinking and habits because my life -my food/ diet / health life- hasn't been going in the right direction. I'm in a 'new season' so to speak and it's like growing pains with an adolescent. It hurts to go through this. It's not pleasant. You don't know what the outcome or the journey is going to be.

But once you go through it , there is growth and progress and a new outlook. That's how this whole 4 plus year eating / weight loss journey has been.

-periods of struggle / pain/ flying a long la de dah/ struggle/ pain/ la de dah--etc

Butterfly reference here, I guess. Slow, but then, it's my journey.

It's all evolving and I don't want to go through the details because I need to sit with it a bit. So blog wise expect light / life stuff perhaps intermixed with heavy stuff. Rather than blurting, babbling here, I'm journaling about 3-4 plus notebook size pages a day and jounraling my dreams which takes a good extra hour a day. My handwriting sucks. But I need to hand write for certain reasons / plus I'm highlighting some of it in different colors....for me / therapist .

At the beginning of the year , I wrote I was going to DO more about my weight issues than blog about it . So yeah, I remembered that.

But I feel I need to share a little bit here because it might help someone else. It helps me to go back and read my journey. It might help someone to think differently about themselves or keep from reaching in to the cookie box one more time. And if you can't help yourself from sticking your hand in to the cookie box but you are blogging about being frustrated with weight loss then you gotta take a good hard look at yourself. Are you in need of a little metamorphosis ?


Basically. this:

-I've recently learned that , FOR ME , being diet and weight focused and trying to get the weight off faster , while being exactly what I want/need to do , throws me in to extremes and activates my eating disorder and focus on food. Not like I didn't know this because I always have problems following a plan.

-Are all fat folk eating disordered? I don't know, but this one truly is.

-which brings me to control issues. Wow, working on this one ...biggie!

-which brings me to other issues such as whatever the hell this fat is protecting is not feeling protected as I've hit my lowest weight in decades so it's acting out (that's the eating disorder part).

--(while it may seem like it )I don't go in to a lot of details on this. I'm a compulsive over eater/ food addict but have tendencies towards other E. D. things too.

-I'm following a food plan Exactly , as in ..I'm eating what is given to me with no substitutions. Black and white. This or nothing. Super structure is what I actually respond to best though I hate it. (whining food addict there)

-I have to embrace that I can't be black and white when it doesn't suit my health. I've had to add some fruit and veggies on days I exercise at the gym because I run out of gas while working out and start yawning constantly and want to lie down and take a nap. Right in the middle of zumba. It's weird when it happens. I'm diabetic, but it doesn't feel like it's hypoglycemia. It's hard to get home safe when you are not functioning at 100%. I've got to take some kind of supplement or fruit to the gym with me now. I exercise to burn calories and because I enjoy it. I don't like this feeling.

-I'm losing weight though I need to put 'the damn scale' in hiding except for my once or twice a week weigh ins- food / scale obsessing. My body responds very well to lower calories and someone else controlling what I eat. (except I don't poop but every 2-3 days )

-the food plan and the sticking to is activating all the other stuff-control issues, my food addict, my extreme dieter.

-I'm working on Self Care in other ways than with food.

Funny how this all works. Metamorphosis

Right now- coffee, the news on tv, breakfast --in PJS

Blogger withdrawal?

For the Next time blogger goes down and you can't post, create a list of things to do.....

here's what I've been doing:

--last night watch Biggest Loser episodes to get them off the dvr
then ???? shhh and then zzzz catching
--stare in to space and realize you are drooling--
--read old blogs
--Drink a lotta coffee.....get the jitters ..drink a lot of water..lots of cardio dealing with all that that
--What? ???!!
--ride my bike--nearly got run over by a blue pontiac with no direction signals
--work :/
--protect the 2 baby blue jays in the back yard from the kitteh and the dogs
me and the momma bird
--check blogger every couple of hours

habit forming isn't it?

Addicted to food -free therapy

Miss Tennie-eating disorder therapist, club car racer

I'd meant to comment more about this show-on OWN. The show focuses on a group of eating disordered women's 42 day treatment stay at the Shades of Hope Food addiction recovery center in Texas. I'm a sucker for reality shows, the Texas scenery, and 'Miss Tennie' the head guru of the place.

It is not for everyone. For the eating disordered / food obsessed/ food addicted / yo yo dieter--it's free therapy.

Certain scenes or conflicts on the show bring up issues for me or illuminate my own stuff for me. Sometimes I feel like I should be taking notes. Maybe I will.

They are having a Marathon on the OWN network this weekend Saturday 05/21 starting sat 9:30 am est. ...not all of the episodes but the last 4 or so.

One thing it has reminded me about is control. Addicts have control issues. Following a food plan pushes that control button. Since I'm trying to follow a food plan, seeing that scene on the show reminds me of this when I see my own little food addict/ strict inner dieter pop up and want to comment about the plan and change things. Amusing, annoying, challenging.

such as:
"Yea, I want fruit today but there is no fruit on the plan to day."
But fruit is healthy, good for your skin, full of antioxidants.
"But for today it just isn't on the plan. and you need to learn to follow a plan"
but isn't that black and white thinking? are we supposed to have gray..I forget
" Yea, that watermelon is delish but not on today's plan"
Maybe , I'll switch out this for that.?????

See? control issues.

Food addict's Other Mother

So this weekend my husband joined me for a trip down memory lane as we journeyed to Alabama to the memorial service of the mother of my best friend from childhood to teen years. During my childhood I thought of her mom as one of 'my other mothers'. The librarian at the town library was another. The choir director, another. Women who raised me up and loved me with either books or music or food. They listened, cared enough to ask questions, encouraged, guided. T's mom was definitly my "food mama".

My husband commented "all your memories focus on food". I mean , we had to stop for the usual hot roast beef po -boy that we get everytime we visit my home town.
"Correction, honey, many, but not all of my good memories focus on food."

During the eulogies at the service several people spoke. Food was mentioned many times and was a big portion of one person's memories of this dear one. I looked at my husband and said "SEE". I didn't feel so weird. I wasn't the only one remembering her for her love and her food.

Later , at an 'after luncheon' my old best friend waxed poetically about the cookies her mom made and the foods that we ate as kids after school at her house. She was all of 84 pounds during high schoool and I was pushing or over 200. Quite a pair. We were both equally food focused though I confess I probably , obviously , ate more.

On the drive home, I thought about that "other mother" idea. I've definitely sought that in my past but also in female bosses, therapists, coworkers. Why? Then I remembered. My own mom who "had issues" had a couple of 'nervous breakdowns' when I was very young and then a pre teen. She was focused on her stuff. And the drama of my older sisters. I was the 'trying to be good girl"..shoving cookies down my throat to feel comfort and love and sedation. I blog about the 'house o drama' and being a food addict since being a little kid, but I forget some of the reasons behind all that.

Food was my 'other mother'. But not really.

Anyway--nuff about that, something clicked since that trip home. I'm taking care of myself . I'm mothering myself or at least caring for my self in other ways than with food. It feels better. It is better. My body and my life require it. Finally, I'm back where I was . Well , not back where I was. But in a different place..moving towards a better place.

For the Muthas

(I watched "On Golden Pond" last night and there was a lot of talk about Muthas)

So for the Muthas, Mothers, Moms, Mommies, Mummies, Mamas, Ma Ma's, Mums, Nana's, and even the Me maws and even those of us that are only dog / kitty mamas

You are so precious. Hopefully, you are getting the love and recognition you deserve today. Remember you are special and loved and more than worthy.

love y'all

Vacation Interrupted

Sometimes things just don't go as planned. Vacation to Hilton Head, South Carolina cut short--we came back after only one night. I was sick and felt awful...still do. My husband just had the feeling it wasn't the right place for us and that we were supposed to be at home. I had mixed feelings because my mind has been about Alabama my home state.

Hilton Head-just weird. It seemed like the Russian Mob or the KGB in disguise ran the hotel restaurant. People either ignored us or chased us through parking lots to try to sell us tourist tours and boat rides. The old adage about Cruises came to mind-literally everyone seemed to be 'newly wed, overfed, or nearly dead'. When the dueling pianos at the restaurant started up we were out of there..skip the wait for the to-go box.

We usually vacation at Tybee Island, Ga where we were wed which is a small island town, Magarittaville-like, laid back vibe. Hilton Head is a resort town , but had the promise of many bike paths. Beach was cold and covered with more jelly fish than I've ever seen in my lifetime. Just not our beach.


Our favorite ' hole in the wall' place at Tybee last year

We had a great trip home and had a voicemail at home from my best friend from grade school through college-her mom had just died-that day. She obviously wanted me there for the funeral services this weekend. My husband's feeling was right. So we
are headed to Alabama this weekend , but will probably avoid my sister in Tornado-torn Tuscaloosa only due to the traffic snafus as they are still working to sort out that area.

The odd thing is that we had thought about visiting my hometown on vacation anyway and I've been wanting my husband to see my old church sanctuary. On our drive home from the beach we had talked about regret that we hadn't gone there after all. Now, we are, and the memorial service is at my old church. Hmmm..coinkydinks.

I'm from a small Alabama town full of charm, history, antebellum mansions, and a certain Southern Gothic weirdness like something from a novel. Should be a trip. a short trip.

I'm actually looking forward to getting back in to my old routines. Food wise-not blowing it out and not where it is when I'm in routine mode. Weight maintaining but I've only checked once. Exercise: too sick to do much but walk the dogs. A stall on the weight loss scene .

WHAT Do You Want?!

This little one here is the spitting image of me..circa 1960's..my little food addict--I affectionately named Fay. No joke , this looks like my kitchen as a kid. This looks like me as a kid. This is what I did as a kid . Yes, that young,
climbing up on the cabinet to get to the cookies and Little Debbies and crackers that my mama put up high to get out of my way. Except I never bothered with a step stool as I opened the bottom cabinet and climbed up the shelves.

This is a photo of a Hallmark card that I found while searching for my husband's birthday card back in December. I'd closed my eyes and said to God "Ok , show me the right card to get". Found this , which is a 'Get well' card in the 'Happy Birthday ' Section. Hmmmmmmm...Tell me there is no higher power. Because I seriously nearly contacted Hallmark to see how they could have gotten my photo. Even my husband agrees. One day I'll post a picture of me as a kid where I'm wearing the same outfit and have the same hair. One day I'll learn to scan this stuff in to the computer. One day I'll make this little one my avatar.

The inner message of this card is also something else: "It won't be long until you're back doing all the things you shouldn't be doing. Get well soon."

Ok, this is a cryptic little card. Don't like that message.

That little kid version of me learned to fixate on food because it was a house -o-drama at home. Cookies and Little Debbies were sweet and there and so good. Something to fixate on--the end reward--good stuff. Ignore the other stuff , protect the feelings, push down the fear / anger / whatever---"Yep, I'll have 9 Oreos with milk please!" But I sneaked and climbed counters and got it myself...because it was the house-o-drama.

Getting down to my lowest weight in decades recently, running the 3K race which has been a fear for me, having the world of fashion open up to me...different things...not sure about it all still. But it shook up that little Food Addict Fay and pushed her in to protector role. It's like hmmmm..is that all there is? Is this what I want? Who am I? Is this how my body is going to be? Do I really want this?
Why not have this?..........fill in the blank? And also, I think that the fat protector suit I had was coming off and the part of me that wanted to protect said GO FOR IT to the foodie food addict. Needless to say I am working on this in therapy.

I'm trying to figure it out. Been eating things I don't normally eat and enjoying them. But they are a double edged sword -feels good going down, will kill ya in the end. I've managed to lose weight by having these things occasionally. But I haven't been able to keep them to occasional lately. The spirit of my little food addict is working the controls these days. But she's forgotten about the #1 aspect of this journey which is improving health , life, and feeling good.

She's ambivalent about certain truths. I forgot to wear my spanx tummy control undergarments to my Pump/ Zumba 2 hr exercise extravaganza Friday and I'm paying the price with pretty bad hip pain / belly pain . The jelly belly has to be contained if I'm gonna play hard and not hurt hard later. I know this. I chose not to take care of it. I'm paying the piper. The consequences of being obese. You lose the weight and everything isn't magic and rosy--you still gotta work at it all.


So I'm heading to the beach tomorrow for a few days. I enjoy spending time at the ocean and it makes me feel closer to God. It's always a time of reflection and deep thinking for me. It's also a time of sunsets, biking, miniature golf, staring at the water, walking barefoot on the beach, reading, having an occasional rare cocktail ...... and having to deal with making food choices. Wont be bloggin much.

I reached out to Allan about the Double Dog Challenge--he is gracious. Obviously , I haven't followed the plan well. I can tell you as a whole I felt so much better physically and in every way when I was following the plan menus. So why the heck I got off? See above plus 'don't exactly know'. But I do know what I NEED to do ; am working to get back to that. My therapist is always telling me to embrace that little food addict protector part and let her know that the adult me is going to take care of things and make the decisions now. Me and little Fay will be chatting.

See y'all

Last year at Tybee Island, Georgia