Gratitude List

Lillie and Angel from June 2010 --hunting for kitty poo already after a day at the doggie spa.

---Bad storms again last night. Angel- my emotionally stunted, perpetual puppy, freaks at storms , shakes, and hides under the bed. When I realized she was missing this morning, I looked for and found her using a flashlight to look under the bed. Apparently, I woke her up. It was morning at 9:45 am -past time to go potty and have breakfast. The look on her face was total love , joy, and excitement as if it were a Christmas morning for a little kid. Since I have no kids, this is my baby ..hugs and kisses and warm fuzzy feelings after that.

Lillie -my food addict dog was up and at em- hooting for breakfast by 6:40 am , as usual. Lillis says- Storms? Snorms..... FOOD! I SAY!
By 9:45 am , she is snoring on the sofa.

--Computers and routers that work. I blew up 2 routers last week and had 2 days of transit to the big office for repairs for unrelated computer issues prior to that. So grateful -it now works.

--Three of my favorite Tv shows are back on-brain numbing fun since I can't numb with food........Jackie and United States of Tara on Showtime and The Fabulous Beekman Boys on Planet Green. Now , if only True Blood would come back on..This summer.

--ok, the biggie. Glad Tuesday is finally here--I'm off work to go with hubby to see the specialist for his abnormal tests......Prayers and Positive vibes welcome.

Food porn tapes and Celebrity Dream #21 -Food Addict dream with Ruby as guest star

"The Devils' breakfast biscuit--My true nemesis"--Hardees Cinnamon and raisin biscuit..280 cal, 12g fat, 650mg sodium--don't even think about it!


Dream Guest Star-Ruby from Ruby on Style channel



I've posted that I have very vivid and detailed dreams. As well, as weird and frequent celebrity dreams . No idea why. I've started blogging them (edited versions) for fun- for me and for any one's amusement. Sometimes they even have to do with body image, eating disorder , food addict stuff...and working through these dreams in therapy have helped me understand and recover. This is a good place for me to record the gist of them.

The dreams--they keep coming fast and furious..I may rethink posting some of these--I get few comments on them, so I'm not sure what ya'll are thinking. (Ah YES , I AM probably crazy). Let me know please. I don't mind if you have ideas about the theme or the symbols in the dream. It helps to have a fresh set of eyes....... I'm aware that most people don't dream like this, I've actually had sleep studies ( I use a cpap for sleep apnea), and I am an unusually concious dreamer-the brain waves prove it but the docs just say "it happens" and 'maybe cut down on caffeine', and 'enjoy, it's unique'....

This one was a doozy. But I'll get to that later

Sunday

Weigh in today with just barely a pound lost since last week, which was a bit of a shock to me because I hit close to that low already on Wednesday and would have thought I'd lose between Wed and Sunday. I followed the plan almost exactly except for a little slippage yesterday-actual hunger-ate sugar free pudding, a strawberry, celery , and a half piece of jerky. I wish I could say I'd followed exactly 100%, but I've never been perfect. Just striving to do the best I can. The current food plans I'm following better than any others..it's been nice to let go of control and not count calories. I'm a rebellious teen when it comes to control issues.

Already multi tasking today..we've already been to church this week-clothes washing, clothes drying, dishes washed, dishes drying, more to be washed. Today's plan is to go through the remaining menus for the week and make sure I have the ingredients, shop for them if I don't, and I need a new skillet. Going cheap at Walmart. The one skillet I have is getting worn out.

Shapeware / control top for my loose belly jelly. I'm also shopping for some kind of control top panty or shapeware. I realize now my flabby loose belly shaking like jelly during exercise is the cause of a lot of my pain. Doh. One of the costs of obesity. It will bankrupt you in more ways than one.

The Dream: This is going to be short and not sweet and weird. We were having crazy thunder / lightning storms last night, so there was an intensity to this dream that wasn't pleasant. In the dream, My inner Food addict is trying to decide between places to eat OFF plan in my hometown and whether to travel in one direction or another . One path or another. Symbolic.

This was a dark and stormy dream. A former roomate/ friend of mine who has since passed was alive in this dream and old conflicts were there and unexplained. I was indecisive. (I redream these themes all the time. Also, a mention about level of detail. What I'm dreaming is way more detailed-like a movie than what I'm writing.) Except when it comes to this. Food tapes. Even in dreams my food addict plays recorded tapes of smells, tastes, textures, oral sensations that drive me crazy. The tape player was playing on high volume. Even as I write and opted to post the food porn, the tapes are playing on high.


Hardees Loaded "Omelette Biscuit--650 calories, 44 grams of fat, 1510 gm sodium
Just 8 bites closer to a heart attack

Dream continues-I used to work at Hardees as a teen and worked the breakfast / lunch shift. I lurve the breakfast at Hardees. Hardees breakfast promotes obesity ..there is nothing on their menu that is truly health concious...Not a place I allow my self to go at all. In the dream, I was wanting to have a blow out with Hardees' breakfast foods OR go to Cracker Barrel ("Crack Barrel") and have a huge breakfast. Taste/smell/visual tapes were playing . I then thought of an alternate family owned place that has my favorite roast beef poboy and started playing that tape. In reality, No trip to my hometown goes without a visit for that po-boy. Food addict wanted it ALL!

Suddenly, I'm shopping for satin covered pillows on the side of the road, but I'm worried because a storm is coming. The side of the road pillows are also connected to a large Walmart / grocery store (this sounds like a dream I had the other day ) and there are altercations in the the store with people fighting over the pillows. I see a mutilated body lying in bits near the frozen food. I run to the bathroom . Ruby from the show Ruby is in there .. she fell asleep in the bathroom stall and she is sleeping to avoid it all. I peek in and see her there asleep -noticed all the makeup she wears on her eyes. Even in the dream I'm thinking there is a connection between Ruby not wanting to see reality and perhaps myself.

.....that's about all I can share..more to it...the dream pretty much ends there. unresolved. I've had variations of this same dream many times though Ruby just made her first appearance.

Now, I can relate to Ruby, we are southern girls ..from appearance we could be sisters or cousins though I'm short and she's tall, "reddish hair", overcoming obesity, possible secrets from the past that are not remembered but that altered shaping our selves. I personally think Ruby remembers or knows more than she wants to reveal on the show. Maybe she is blocking a part of her life from herself--trying to keep her eyes shut and hide like in my dream.

I wake up from these dreams scratching my head , feeling guilty because of all the food addiction behavior and pondering what it all means. I have to set my self straight. Disconnect and see what I can make sense of. Disconnect from the food tapes that have played and that are stimulating me even awake to have that Country ham biscuit or cinnamon biscuits.

I took the dogs for a walk this cool morning and noticed the blooming dogwood trees and the azaleas that are starting to pop. Life goes on . Food addict is shut down. I posted the pictures of Hardees food, so I'm putting it out there to help me not cave in .

Anyway, I'm eating taco bell tacos today ..ON the PLAN!

Celebrity Dream #20 Curtis Stone and Cocooning on a rainy weekend

"Yes , Curtis, that tomato looks yummy"

I've posted that I have very vivid and detailed dreams. As well, as weird and frequent celebrity dreams . No idea why. I've started blogging them (edited versions) for fun- for me and for any one's amusement.

Surprisingly, I dreamed about Curtis Stone, the Aussie celeb chef who lately has been on The Biggest Loser and he is on other shows right now too. I did see about 5 minutes of Gordon Ramsey on tv last night and had just read an article about Jaime Oliver another blond chef..But Curtis?

In the dream he was writing a book , he was taking time off from work due to a throat ailment, and we were talking on the phone a lot. We had become long distance friends with just a touch of flirtatiousness even though we are both in committed relationships.

He decides to come to Atlanta to promote his book and goes car shopping with me. I am actually in the real waking world in the market for a new car this summer. So he went with me to test drive a few cars. Honda Fits and Kia Souls. The Honda Fit was decorated with silk flowers--wood storage bins, wood framed photos of nature, and had a convertible version. That was pretty much it for me and Curtis--we were respecting our own relationships, but we had a good time flirting. I'm leaning towards the Kia Soul.

*****************************************************************************
We are in for rain , slightly cool temps, intermittent thunderstorms today in the South. Good cocooning weather. Time to settle in and sort the mail, organize things, watch a movie, take a nap, surf blogworld and other sites, cuddle with the dogs and kitty....and maybe my husband.

I've also had spring fever and was cleaning and washing rugs yesterday in between working. Going to try to spring clean and declutter a bit but the draw to just cocoon is strong. Saturdays are usually when I go out, shop, do a big workout at the gym, go to movies, whatever. Just want to be at home today. Today is Chef Boyardee day and making burgers tonight on the meal plan. I haven't had the Chef or made beef burgers in many months.

I'm sore and aching from working out yesterday and don't know if I'll do anything but a walk today. Usually, if I weight train the soreness hits exactly 24 hrs from the workout. I woke up with butt and legs sore. This isn't looking good and I may have to do an epsom salt soak by this evening. I did do 2 hours yesterday.

Following the food plan perfectly--weighing and measuring and few substitutions, exceeding the fluid amounts yesterday. Today, weight up 1 1/2 pounds over night. I'm telling myself -it is just frigging water retention from the exercise. Better drop by weigh-in tomorrow , or I'll be p'od.

Time to Chill

Helloooo, Big Boy

This is a Braun Immersion blender similar to the one I just found out that I had. This bad boy was hiding in a bottom cabinet , and my husband recommended it versus buying a new one for the milk / frozen strawberry smoothee things on the food plan.

I've got a bad track record with blenders. I worked at Hardees as a teen and had many a strawberry shake explode on my lovely Tan / brown / orange / lime green uniform. Then there are the messes with ones at home. I just had resigned my life to being frozen margarita -smoothee free.

Now I'm back in business.

Frozen strawberries, skim milk, a little artificial sweetener--yum.
Oh , and I had mocha flavored splenda--0 calories..chocolate covered strawberries , kinda.

Celebrity Dream #19-Burgers with Dustin Hoffmann and Adam Richman of Man vs Food

Dustin Hoffman as Tootsie.

I have funny, vivid dreams and I'm often aware that I'm dreaming while I'm dreaming and kind of audit the dream as it goes along. Hard to explain, but it is kinda funny.

Last night my husband was flipping channels and happened upon the show Man Vs Food where Adam Richman, the host gorges on foods and attempts to beat the food challenge of different restaurants across the county. Big portions, big combinations, or ghost chili's are usually involved. Last night, he was just eating a big ol hamburger to show us how outrageous this burger was. I only half pay attention because my inner food addict goes "ooh and aah" at this show and wants to plan road trips to these places. This burger was 1 lb of bacon and 4 lbs of beef and was easily the size of his head and could have fed maybe 8 -10 people.




I then mentioned to my husband that I was making burgers this weekend for the challenge meal plans and he was going to get 2 of the 4 I would make from 1 lb of lean beef (nothing like the show's, in other words).

Cut to the dream. I'm sitting on top of a truck ( ! )and Dustin Hoffman walks up and puts a map on the hood of the truck to look for something. I say "Hi Mr Hoffman, I understand you like Burgers and just want to know where you think the best burgers are?"

He looks startled, but seemed relieved that I wasn't gushing over his career. We talked burgers-I don't remember this very much. My semi aware self who was aware of what I was dreaming was cracking up and thinking 'I'm dreaming this because of that Man vs Food show.' Then the dream changes and I'm at a grocery store from my childhood at a concert. There were more details but eh.. who knows why I dreamed that. I remember I talked to the band after the concert and told them I liked the song "Tuckus".

Wake up. Scratch my head. Tuckus? Tootsie? Adam Richman? Linda Richman from Coffee Talk on SNL ? Tootsie? You be the judge. It's a stretch, but who knows..........

Linda richman on left during Coffee Talk on SNL circa 1990's


I had not thought about Coffee Talk in a while..I miss that.


Anyway, Welcome to Thursday morning weirdness.

Home

Home again working today. Yesterday had to work in the company office while my hard drive was repaired. Just a 1 hour 45 min commute--yeah! Atlanta rush hour :/

Lot's of memories of eating to anesthetize myself (20 yrs of commuting) while driving . On the way home Lot's of thoughts and self talk to not stop for something. Mostly self talk about remembering goals-true desires- not sugary ones.

What was I trying to cover? What was I trying to numb? Couldn't come up with much. Didn't screw up.

Then, a phone call--one of my husband's medical tests is abnormal and he has to see a specialist. Scary. We both know what it could be and that would be super bad-trying to remember to wait, be patient, realize we are not in control.

Real life steps forward. Puts things in perspective. I did not want to react with food. My husband did. Hard situation. Me-off plan by 120 calories.

Today , on plan. new week's meal plan shopped for..exact down to type of fruits.
Comfort through structure.

Extreme Changes Extreme Rewards

Extreme . Yesterday, I ran farther , longer, faster than I ever have--ran walked an 8k. Then rode the bike for 12 miles. Then walked/ran 2 more miles. 3 1/2 hours of actual exercise in a 4 hour period. Done purposefully to experience super long, moderate to high intensity workouts to see if it burns more fat. This was from a suggestion from a marathon runner about improving both fat burn and endurance and running speed. I like long workouts anyway and do a couple of 1 1/2 hr workouts a week already mixed in with shorter 30 min to 1 hr workouts. Not something I could recommend unless you have built up your exercise tolerance or you'll be sick and immobile. It was my stab at a 'last chance workout'. If I didn't have a 'walk in the park ' date with friends I would have done more at the gym where I can get more variety in.

Then I ate roasted salmon and asparagus and sweet potato. First time to make this salmon and it will go in to regular rotation. Drank a lot of water and iced coffee. Happened upon the Bravo show "Bethany Ever After"..It's kind of like a train wreck and I watched 3 episodes on On Demand and then an episode of "HEAVY". My inner thermostat was turned up and my cheeks were flaming red all evening and I wore a summer nightgown to bed. This morning..brrrrr.


Had a nice weight loss since last night. I had fluctuated up a few pounds since last weekend, but followed the food plans, ate at or just under 1200 calories everyday and drank all the fluids. I followed the plan. Wt 213.2. Body is extremely sore and today is a rest day though I'll take a couple of easy walks just to loosen things up and keep the dogs happy.

Rationalization, Fear, and self doubt are my biggest personal traits to overcome. I've wanted to run/walk a 5k for a couple of years, but I don't want to be the last one huffing and puffing in to the finish line. Too many memories of Phys ed through all the school years where as a short 'little' fat girl I always slowed down the relay race and huffed and puffed in to the finish all red faced to snorts and giggles from my class. Now, My legs are very short and heavy from extra skin/fat/flab. My hips, knees, and feet are somewhat arthritic, and I really just can't run fast for long at all. But I like it. It pushes all my emotional buttons too. So, I'm working on improving my speed and actual running amount so maybe I can do a 5k in mid April. Big difference in the hilly course and the flat treadmill though and the pollen count makes this tough. I'm doubting myself. Big chicken. bock bock bock...

More changesMy dietitian announced to me at our appointment Thursday that she was going to stop seeing private patients and would transition me to another dietitian who is also a Diabetes educator. I asked.."Do I really need another dietitian?"..She "What do you think?"...I thought about it and remembered some of the times I've met with her : discouraged or stressed or out of control and she set me right. Over time, doubts or questions or validations were needed because I get overwhelmed with the stimuli and knowledge out there. Many, even Dr Oz's site, recommend I can lose weight based on my statistics if I eat about 1900 calories a day. In what universe? So when I don't lose weight, I beat up on myself. Then I comfort with food. When I do lose weight-I want to reward with food that I normally don't have. I'm sure this is a familiar cycle.

I do need a sane, realistic, knowledgeable sounding board who will make me face my truths. These are eating disorder specialized dietitians, so they are used to dealing with the food addiction / weight loss obsession crazy stuff. Rebuttals and Reflection back to me of reality.

So I agreed . It's a new season in my journey. The last bit of weight I need to lose as well as when I get to my goal weight of 190lbs. I will have reality checks and advice If I should or could go further. I will then need to maintain this weight loss and learn to live in the longterm. *I need to start researching how much weight is removed with skin removal surgery to validate this for myself

Yesterday, I picked a goal reward for reaching that goal-that would be 165 lbs lost. I'll still be techincally overweight / obese, but if I were to have skin removal surgery I would be much smaller. I don't know-maybe high school or junior high when I weighed 190 the last time. Anything lower than that we are talking elementary school..that just seems wrong. I'm not really planning on the surgery. I'm more muscular and phsycially fit then I ever was then, and I'm adjusting to my self image. Time to get there. Time for the true maintenance part of this journey.



Goal Weight Reward: I bought myself a gold/pearl ring as reward for keeping 100 pounds off for a full year. This July will be 2 years for that. This would be my reward for goal weight. I just posed a picture from the Sundance catalog on my mirror as a reminder.
Chimera Necklace
Leather cord weaves through a lapidary’s fantasy of gemstones including kyanite, peridot, rose quartz, Peruvian chalcedony, aquamarine, garnet, carnelian, apatite and prehnite. A handcrafted exclusive with sterling silver highlights.

I likee

Celebrity Dream #18: (and) Diary of a Wonky Weird Friday

I've posted that I have very vivid and detailed dreams. As well, as celebrity dreams. The cast of Mad Men, Johnny Depp, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth in the same dream, and Tom Cruse (before the sofa/Oprah incident)......all good.....some, very good.

This morning............. uh, ok? What?

I woke up in a foggy, allergy kind of state. I'd just dreamed I was on The Biggest Loser but it was on an island like the Survivor show. Bob (as in Bob Harper the less butch Biggest Loser trainer) and I connected and fell in love while exercising in the surf. We were Very happy together . It was love. It was physical. The other contestants were not happy. I was gonna have his baby...They were jealous!?..I got sent home... Then there was something about a kangaroo in a sweater and plaid capri pants that I thought was going to run in to the road. It was much more detailed that this.

........I kid you not.

I woke up and told my husband .

Husband: "that is just wrong on so many levels-ain't gonna happen darlin".

Me : "I know. I mean I 'd noticed Bob was looking more tan , more handsome, less gaunt--but, it's Bob" " I haven't even watched The Biggest Loser in a couple of weeks. "


*************************************************

Friday 03/18 Has Officially Begun

07:15 am to 8:15 am :
- Guzzle water, take Claritin. pollen +1 sinuses 0
- Strip naked and weigh. Put pjs back on. Good.
- Feed dogs and kitteh/ Make Coffee / Make Brekkie
- Breakfast-day 6 1/2 English muffin, egg, grapefruit, milk
- Commute to work: this means shuffle in to my home office/ 2nd bedroom and flip on my work computer and then flip on my home computer to tell ya'll about me and Bob.
- Settle down to pray and then eat
- husband comes in and starts talking about Libya
- ME: "I can only handle our life and Japan right now..Don't talk to me about Libya, man."
- He tells me about Libya and I cringe and try to defend Obama
- Turn back to my work computer-My company's website comes up.
I notice the latest drop in the stock--the economy -yeah! :/
I see an interesting story I want to read...then I notice it's clocking
- Click a button or two.. then blue screen
- Click more buttons, then a black screen that talks about HAL error
- Husband : "Oh no , a Hal error. Sorry baby, you are driving in to the office"
- ME : "Open the pod bay doors, Hal" ? from 2001 Space Odyssey??
- Panic, call boss, call IT dept
- I'm going in to the office today , Hardware is having a meltdown.
- Turn to look at computer and named her "Betty" on the spot in hopes this will show it/her some support..she needs a strong, "Mom" kind of name ..she's going in to the ER IT dept and it isn't looking pretty.

08:16 to 09:16 am
- Finish brekkie, bitch and bitch some more
- Try to look on the bright side--I can get computer supplies and take in papers to shred
- Try on clothes, Boss says no jeans. Hubby recommends my "Need coffee" Pjs.
- Damn, I need to buy some business casual clothes-mine are too big
- Pack up Betty in the suitcase, pack my Zumba clothes, coffee, papers, water
- Say bye -bye to the dogs and the kitteh (and the hubby) ..the animals look shell-shocked--"You leaving, mama?"




09:17 am to 10:29 am
- Gas up car and commute. I used to do this everyday , but at rush hour it is double the time. This isn't rush hour..short commute. more water.
- Just thankful the car doesn't breakdown ..she's getting retired this year
- Think about while driving how I'm going to drive past all the fast food/ coffee / bakery joints I like..think about how I'll want a beer or margarita and Mexican food after work
- Not gonna , 'follow the plan' is the mantra

10:30 am to 2:40
- arrive at office, half of the staff are in jeans..I'm in hot, business casual

- discombobulated, can't even use the phones at the office. so much noise. not in pjs...wah wah wah ..Why is my mp3 player at home...I miss the radio..Who is that talking? ..How loud am I talking?...What did I just say?.....
"Paranoia will destroy ya"

- work , work , work.
- Betty (my hard drive) is in triage and is getting worked on --not sure what the outcome is going to be.
- Find out a young patient of mine died unexpectedly. Real life, folks. gulp. Tough one. More work.
- Lunch: couldn't take my stinky tuna salad lunch with me..substituted egg salad , salad and yogurt. water, water.
- work, work work..not easy. most of the shortcuts and templates and files that I need to work is on my hard drive or on stickies taped to my desk at home. I brought what I could but it's hopeless.

2:41 pm

The IT Geek comes to my cubicle to deliver the news. Betty ( my computer , my hard drive, my brain ) is gone...... She'll be worked on and , hopefully , revived sometime on Monday. Another commute and working sans pjs.

Betty!

-----from this point on it's like any other day except I did 10 minutes on the stairmaster after Zumba. Owie.

Right now? Watching Bob, my honey, on The Biggest Loser on cable...




Here's the thing.

I have SO much gratitude that my company embraces the Telework concept. It is so much quieter and productive to work at home. It gets lonely, you feel isolated at times, but it also is awesome. I'm full of Gratitude about my job. My life. Every thing I have is a gift, a treasure. It's hard to not enjoy a hot shower and drink cold water and watch tv with a full belly and realize that so many people don't have these luxury's tonight.

Embrace life.

Happy Dreams

Mixed Messages

There is a Kaiser Permanente insurance radio commercial on right now where the spokeswoman (actress Allison Janney) says that Kaiser wants you to thrive- celebrate your memories with food by cooking that special recipe that reminds you of good times and family....."bake that cobbler in nana's memory"..make that grilled cheese that your sister used to make on your parent's bowling night.

It just seems weird to me. Is it because I live in the realm of food addiction recovery and weight loss and exercise? Weird because I work in healthcare where Obesity is the focus of so much attention by insurance companies and media? If I'm cooking and eating grilled cheeses and Nana's cobbler and trying to recreate other good family/food memories, I'll get fatter. WTF?

I used to eat at Crackerbarrel because it reminded me of my 'country grandma's' house. Southern country food--The calories are unreal. Biscuits and fried chicken. All I'm saying. I only do CB if it's a very rare special occasion now. In the food crazy days, I'd try to recreate meals or good feelings with food. Somthing I work at avoiding now, of eating more mindfully.

My mother was a breakfast freak. Bacon, eggs, white toast, a slice of orange, percolator coffee. Every day. Not a breakfast goes by that I don't think about her.

I'm not perfect but I don't need your mixed signals, Kaiser.

On a more personal level, my neighbor yelled "yoo hoo" across the street at me yesterday to commend me on my weight loss. She couldn't see where I needed to lose another pound and wouldn't I start looking unhealthy if I lost anymore???????????
She was trying to be kind. Granted, I did have on exercise pants that were too big that I'd just decided I was in danger of flashing the gym if I wore them again.

But how the heck does a 5 ft 2 woman weighing over 200 lbs not need to lose a little weight. True , my body is never going to be the prescribed 140 lbs unless I have surgery and cut some of the flab/skin away. But I think we gotta little more fat to burn here. Kinda weird.

perspective

Casino trip was very fun. Won and lost and won and lost well over $100. Folks sitting next to me were winning big time. Always that way these days as I just can't bet max or play $1 slots. Took dramamine and wore my sea bands, I get carsick when my friend drives and driving up and down and around the mountains of North Carolina. I felt pretty stoned on the way home just from that. Food was good, ok, didn't have everything I wanted. I laughed at my plate..salad, baked chicken, apples, broccoli. Not a perfect saint though, a taste of this and that from the dessert area. Truly, not on the plan.


What with the evolving disaster in Japan and nuclear plant meltowns still occurring, beyatching about not losing weight seems kind of ridiculous. But that is no excuse either to let loose and eat whatever. I'm talking about me here folks..not saying anything about ya'll. Need to tell myself this kind of thing.

Weight lost this week.( prior to yesterday's trip): 0. Exercised and sweated quite a lot this week-more than 6 hours. Pushed myself in a few classes. To my knowledge and honestly counting even the measured calories for salad and veg and coffee cream, I didn't go more than over maybe a hundred or couple of hundred calories once or twice. drank the water. Friday I got pissed -why doesn't effort in equal effort out. Maybe it does with a delay factor. Maybe I''m gaining muscle. Maybe....... blah blah blah. This is not a good train of thought for me.

But then watching the latest news, realized I need an attitude adjustment.

Big time.

Working on it..not quite there yet. Regrouping. Getting perspective . Sending up some prayers today.

Following the Plan

I'm not sure why I'm so resistant sometimes, but , well there you have it. See what it gets you sometimes. For folks on the double dog challenge..I'm doing day 22 for the next 2 days. I've got all the food, most is prepped, even the snacks. It seems easier to do 2 days in a row to me. I still switch around the type of protein or type of veggie sometimes. Literally, this is based on what I have in the house.

This plan is not that hard, but my body resists dropping those pounds until the very last minute on Sunday am. Now, here's the problem.

Saturday, I'm going to a little Harrah's casino in the NC mountains complete with buffet--I've got free coupons for everything including gambling money. I'm skipping the free Michael Bolton concert. I'm packing much of my food to take with me is how I'm handling it. They have an awesome salad bar and the coffee is excellent.

Will be channeling my blog/challenge peeps and Allan the challenge guru.

Bottom line this helps. When I'm standing at Kroger in front of the Cinnabon Cinnamon almonds or the butter toffee almonds..I hear Allan saying "It 's not on the plan". I know weigh in is coming and I don't want to disappoint-- myself most of all.

day 22 today and tomorrow:
brekkie: egg whites / veg / fruit
lunch : taco salad
snacks: string cheese and grapes
dinner: fish or chicken , sweet potato , veg
snack: orange, turkey roll ups

spring forward

Fat Tuesday-Fagratitude

Gratitude on Fat Tuesday

- good memories of living in New Orleans
- taking walks
- prayer
- slowly, mindfully eating an orange
- good coffee
- folding laundry
- work
- sisters
- roasted sweet potato
- garbage men
- Claritin
- Puffs tissue
- clean socks
- having the good sense to shut up and listen

130

As in, pounds lost.
don't plan to be here for long.

Ran on treadmill yesterday.
fastest and longest intervals of running yet.
loved it.
felt really good.
body isn't beat up and broken today.
even better.
5k time is still too slow for my taste
working on it.
short, fat legs.

Best movie I've seen in a while..loved it.
The Adjustment Bureau



happy sunday

Weight Loss, Obesity TV Explosion!

(Ruby-at the same park in Savannah where my 'Girl and a Bike' photo was taken)
For those of us that can (barely) pull ourselves away from the Charlie Sheen debacle on tv and twitter, there is somewhat of a weight loss obesity tv THING happening. First, it was Biggest Loser and then the 'wanna be' shows. I was flipping through the tv the other day and saw upcoming tidbits about 3 new shows starting in the next few days. It really gave me pause. Wow..lot's of obesity on tv. Good thing? Bad?

For me, I've kind of maxed out on interest and drive to watch this topic. I live this every day. When Dr. OZ or Rachel Ray or local news shows do a feature about weight loss, boost your metabolism, the keys to healthy, lasting weightloss...whatever..I find that I actually already know a lot of the info. It isn't new info . It's what I needed and craved when I was in the pre contemplative stage or contemplative stage of realizing my life was a mess at 345 pounds and needed to change it. I was looking for answers and looking for support and understanding. Now 4+ years in to changing my life and health and now at 130 pounds lost, I'm doing it rather than watching it.

That was an interesting thing for me to figure out for myself. So I decided to write about it. Because maybe there are folks that really need information, understanding, support, example on television. (Not that I don't , just seem to be getting it and creating it rather than through tv.)

What is too much, tv network people?

The Amen Solution: Using your brain to be thinner, smarter, and happier. This is a special on PBS that is showing off and on. I happened upon it and watched this morning-thought it was a Christian based program initially. I enjoyed this and did learn and relate. It kinda skims over information so that you will purchase the program material. Interesting science, interesting psychobabble, info we all know and yet an understanding of some of the inner battles with our inner child and the need to get our higher self (pre frontal cortex of our brain ) in the driver seat of decision making. I got this. The info yes..the program material no.
I would recommend this show. There is a book and website.

Ruby . Ruby's 4th season resumes on the Style network Sunday March 6. I like watching Ruby because she lives in Savannah Ga and often films at Tybee Island where my husband and I married, honeymooned, and still vacation frequently. Also, in the initial season she was eating a prepared food program that I was actually eating coincidentally at the same time. We shared a couple of emails back and forth. Apparently Ruby has regained 60 lbs , so this is pretty raw and real stuff. Style is showing some reruns this weekend too.

Too Fat for Fifteen. 2nd season starts on Monday and is also on the Style network. "Inspiring Teens struggle to get fit -and to fit in". I did watch the first season which covered 4 teens at Wellspring Academy, a weight loss boarding school in North Carolina. This show brought up feelings in me. Reminders of what I was like as an overweight teen. I didn't have this kind of opportunity then, but needed it, would have been terrified, and kinda wish I could go spend a week there now or work there. Probably won't watch the new season just because I'd rather work out at the gym . Style is also rerunning this weekend. Probably for teens or parents of teens this is a good show.

Heavy This is on A and E and in the style of the Intervention series about dealing with addiction. I like the format. I want to go to the resorts that these folks go to. However, I'm getting burned out on the show and the attitudes.

I Used TO Be FAT This is an MTV docu-series that chronicles one teen during the final year of high school through summer to starting college and trying to finally get a handle of weight loss and exercise. I somehow seem to have timed my long treadmill workouts at the gym with this show, so I've worked out for an hour and watched. The parents always piss me off and are not always supportive. Cool show. If it's on while I'm run/ walking my 5k on the treadmill I'll watch it.

Heavily Ever After -another new show starting March 6 on TLC is a docu-series about a married obese couple's every day struggle in a regular size world." I haven't seen much about this show, but I've already decided not to watch.

Also coming on OWN, Oprah is going to focus a show inside the Shades of Hope food addiction rehab . That should be interesting. The founder Teeny was featured on Ruby.

There are others "Shedding for the Wedding", "Dance your Ass off" , "Huge", "Mike and Molly" ..I'm sure I missed some. Plenty out there if it may inspire you. Probably more coming.

The Biggest Loser did a lot to show me at 345 and 275 and TODAY that I can work out hard and harder than I thought and not kill myself. So I do see value in these shows.

I work,spend time with the husband, spend too much time on the computer, walk the dogs, exercise at the gym, go to meetings, go to church, read a lot, clean the house -some, spend time in nature-plenty...etc, etc, etc ...I value time like everyone. I'm pickier and choosier with what I watch on tv. Use it wisely.

Spring Sprung

Spring has sprung here in my southern suburbia. Warm days, cool nights,and plenty of rain. Fresh Spring smells and color abound. It always seems too early. Where did winter go? Here in Georgia we know that this is just a tease. We've got more cold weather and maybe an ice storm or another snow coming. But for now, just Spring.

Aunt Flo finally showed up for her visit and I was feeling all sentimental and girly earlier this week, so I took these photos in my neighborhood to share with those in harsher climates. By that very same afternoon everything seemed to have popped and blossomed even more elaborately. It all looked totally different in just a few hours.

With Midol and Claritin coursing through my system, I took a little walk down the street. I'm no photographer--just a point and shoot gal, and it shows. Yes, a little trespassing was involved. As a true southern girl, I'm used to talking my way through this if need be. My people liked to walk through yards, look at gardens, look at houses. An occasional zap from an electric fence or a run-in with barbed wire go along with the job. As does saying something like "oh, I thought this was the Jones's house..." As does hiding from the man shouting about calling the law. Fortunately, no issues with my trespassing on this day.

If I know what it is, I'll fill you in . Click on the photos for a better view.



"Forsythia" ..these are always the early bloomers. Just out of the picture range was a sinkhole the size of a house surrounded by orange cones. Overhead, the hum of electric power lines. lovely


This , I think, is Quince. My mama had a couple of these. The color is quite unique and this is a fruit bearing bush that bumble bees love.




Tulip tree? click on picture to get a better view.




some kind of cherry tree--must click on to see the buds. 2 days later, these look like mauve fuzzy clouds.



The next two : Bradford Pear tree--no fruit, stinkey smell, ALL OVER ATLANTA, beautiful cloud like trees. Not the strongest of trees, we've had giant pieces fall on our truck and our roof.





As a dewy eyed newly wed, I planted many bulbs in the first year as a new home owner. This is my earliest bloomer. I think this is a Hyacinth. Quite fond of purple.


I'm not much of a photographer or a gardener, but I love nature.
Gratitude: for those that came before me, for nature, for spring.

waffle and pnut butteh--stuffed! yum!

*photo is from the internet though mine looked quite similar.

Kashi frozen waffle toasted with peanut butter and banana slices.! wow ..stuffed...who knew?

..I'm following day 19 of the plan. tuna salad and carrots later, yogurt and more banana, rice / turkey/ salsa concoction and steamed spinach. I had to research how to do that. should be interesting . Apple for later.
yum

not perfect but forgiven

Weird things happened yesterday. I heard on the radio a woman talking about perimenapause and how things that used to not bother you might drive you insane. I didn't really consider it because I couldn't relate to it. I could relate to the randomness of perimenapause. Aunt Flo is "due, technically, maybe" and has been sending little telegrams but hasn't made her appearance. Not good.

Work , work , work. 5 pm.

I was bathed and ready to go to the gym ( I'm weird that way) and was letting the dogs out to potty when I realized how weird it was out side. Hot, still, quiet, fast moving black clouds , eerie. Ah, the predicted storms finally.

My plans were to go by the gym and then to one store to pick up my husband's special diet foods, then grocery, then home. I decided to check the weather. OOOh bad storms heading my way and would be hitting right where I was going by the time I was going. I decided to stay home and ride out the storms and go out later. My dogs panic, shake , have a total dog freak out. Maybe they would be better with me here.

I'm watching the weather and I start getting antsy. Tornado watches and warnings in some parts of Atlanta metro. Severe thunderstorm all over Atlanta metro. When Tornados are coming, the dogs and I camp out in the walk in closet ( no basement). We were not at defcon level 4 yet, so I rode it out in front of the tv.

I got hungry. I grabbed a couple of whole grain pretzel sticks (not on plan). I wanted to eat the whole bag now. I wanted to eat. I wanted tomorrow's lunch not tonight's dinner. I wanted to have Ihop pancakes. I'd settle for that I wanted pretzels. I sat with it. I jumped up and ate 2 more.

My food addict was in charge.

Back when I was a tween, my dad died and my mother was "sickly" and I'd ridden out many a storm or a tornado in a hallway or closet alone while my mother was passed out from sedatives in bed. Since that time it hasn't been a big deal. I think I connected to that fear from the dogs' freakout. I though about that woman on the radio talking about how with Perimenapause things you could tolerate before now drove you insane. Yep, I see it now.

I ate some pretzels. I wanted more. I knew everything in my house that would be good to binge on. But I had to tell the scared part of me "It isn't gonna make you feel better, it's only gonna be worse. Turn it over. Pray. Whatever. Don't eat over it".

I ate the lunch planned for tomorrow. I didn't finish off the pretzels. I stopped eating. I drank a lot of water. I then washed almost every dish in the house and cleaned the floor in the kitchen. When my husband got home I told him I'd had a sort of panic attack and was going to chill. I listened to music lying in bed and relaxed and went to bed early.

I'm the kind of person that is good in a crisis. I get calm and get busy. As a hospital nurse I could whip a back board under a patient that was coding , slap on oxygen, and start cpr before you could pull a crash cart in the room. So this was strange for me. I don't get freaked out usually.

I forgive myself the pretzels. I didn't want to eat pretzels. I wanted to make it go away. .......and I did not like going off my food plan / cal allotment and that my plans were upset for gym and grocery.

not perfect