Oscars-so over.

I didn't even stay up for the whole thing. I recorded the last hour as I like to fast forward though as much as possible. I already know the winners--Who woulda thunk Bridget Jones' Mr Mark Darcy also the original Mr Darcy from Pride and Prejudice would be winning awards. I have to admit there are so many award shows now that it all seems redundant. But Anne Hathaway deserves Kudos for keeping things peppy....next..

Work beckons me this morning. ERGH.. Big storms coming to Atlanta today. Fun. Just fun.

Challenge update =still in ..weight loss for last week a whopping 3 pounds.
I'm some where around 129 lbs lost now. Yikes.

Here we go ..a new month..I'm starting a new food journal. We got some new food plans for the challenge that look really doable. Grocery shopping today and a little exercise after work. I did not get every bit of self care stuff done (could not find my favorite nail polish) so today may mean a trip to Ulta after work for some new polish.

Here are some changes I've made on this challenge: I eat less beef, less meat in general, more fish, more veggies, more turkey, more salad, and a lot more berries with cottage cheese. all yum.


Stay safe ya'll

gratitude for today : Dunkin donuts cinnamon and spice flavored coffee (ran out so will buy more), a job, hope

The Oscars, Binges, and Self Care

What do these have in common?

I'm a big movie fan and I've enjoyed watching the Academy Awards-The Oscars since I was a kid. The hype, the clothes on the red carpet, it's live and weird things happen ( naked streakers, Cher's outfits, Marlon Brando's refusal of an Oscar.) When I was in college I had a lot of friends and belonged to a film club. We ran the college movie theater and held Oscar night events. We also showed Charles and Diana's wedding and served wedding cake.


I've been a food addict since I was a little kid too. To skim over years of addiction and "issues", I 'll just say by the time I got out of college I moved as far away from home as I could (to Atlanta) and set up my own little adult life which unfortunately evolved in to compulsive spending and overeating and binges as coping mechanisms. Had already been a binger since childhood, but things escalated as did my weight.

For some weird reason, I got in to a pattern of moving to different apartments, usually to improve finances or commute time, on a regular basis and it always happened around the Academy awards time which is end of Feb / early March. I was always sure to set up my cable to be installed and furniture moved in before the big show. Crazy right? I justified it at that time , just like I justified a lot of things: "I deserve it", "I don't have a boyfriend", "I don't like my job", "I'm lonely", "I'm Fat", "Maybe things will be different", " Maybe it's a new start", " If I can't have this I'll have that" mentality....

.....blah,blah,blah................

Oscar night was a celebration after being exhausted from moving. It felt like a fresh start. Yet, it meant an entire pizza, probably some kind of chips or crackers and cheese, lot's of diet coke (right?), a pint of Haagen daz or Ben and Jerry's ice cream and maybe even a batch of Betty Crocker's Chocolate chip cookies. Binge time. Every year for years and years. Usually by the time the sound editing, special effects, script writing awards came around I was snoozing in a carb brown-out semi-coma only to perk up at the very end to see the best director and best picture. This is how I began my "new life in my new home" year after year.




I'm just gonna skim over this but this is key.

Self Love , really caring for yourself, really believing you are worthy of being nice to yourself and loving yourself is a key to changing your life. Saying No to those forces that drive you to repeat those patterns of using food /drugs/booze/spending as rewards. For me, once I went through a bit of therapy and started taking care of myself with the right and less food and exercise and lost just a little bit of weight..yes, loving myself. Is when I found someone else that loved me.

Marriage, buying a house, and the pattern of moving by Oscar night every year or so ended my own personal Oscar night binges. Unfortunately, my partner in life also likes celebratory meals and eating. While my compulsive spending was healed, the eating had resumed and I had a husband as a partner in crime.

100 pounds up later I started realizing I was basically dying, So I started working on myself, exercising, therapy, and learning that I needed to put me first, love me, take care of me. Still be with my partner but take care of myself and hopefully rub off on him.

Now, I know again that taking care of myself , Self Care, Self love in healthy ways is the key for healing for me. So Oscar nights or football games and even just finales for certain tv shows are no longer binge fests. It's a battle-husband still wants to 'celebrate with food' but he is trying to change his life and is dieting now. I'm not perfect, but it's getting consistently better.

Recently Tammy , one of my favorite bloggers, expressed having difficulty loving her self and making headway in the weight loss battle. I felt impelled to write to her about self care /self love. I didn't get it either for a while, but it seems to have clicked now for me.

Hoping she won't mind but I copied a bit of what I wrote to her ...

"How can you love yourself or do self care? take care of you?

Start with the basics=getting plenty of sleep, putting lotion on your skin, paying your bills on time, buying something for you just because you have always eyed it but never would allow yourself to have it. Self care is taking the time to go to the gym, saying something nice to someone else, just say Hi to someone you've never spoken to that looks like they need that. Could be putting lower fat creamer in your coffee, saying NO, saying Yes, buying a new pack of gum, writing a blog, commenting on some one's blog. choosing the salad with the dressing on the side and eating an apple. Be creative."

There's a lot more to it of course than this. But it's a start. Baby steps.

This weekend my self care plan is this: I'm staying home- no shopping or running around like last weekend. I already have groceries and healthy meals planned. I've got a pedicure planned. Taking care of bills and my messy desk. Perhaps some multitasking with turkey in the crockpot and laundry going during all of that. It's gonna be 66 sunny degrees and the dogs and I are going to spend some time in the back yard and take a nice walk. A little housework, a little computer time, and maybe a movie at home. The husband and I are going to have a short "business meeting" to discuss a couple of house repairs and vacation plans. Probably church and probably some exercise. Sunday night-The Acadamey awards-no binges.

Running The Java Gauntlet With My Food Addict

My little food addict self-Fay has been getting shafted lately and gets pouty. I've mentioned before what works for me is avoiding trigger places and foods. I mean-Really thinking and talking through decisions that involve foods that are "out there". Foods at home are healthy and safe and controlled right now.

Tonight, I really was craving coffee and for a lot of reasons, I agreed to myself to go get a cup of coffee at the brand new local Racetrak gas station on the way to church (they have an uber coffee area and coffee is just 69 cents.)

I wanted JAVA.

I was feeling wimpy. My husband was having MORE work issues. etc....
Whatever, PJ!

I knew it meant going past the bakery cases, the donut / cupcake case, the fresh cookie case, and then to pay you go right past the chips and candy bars. I thought it through . I had resolve. Closed the zipper on the little food addicts say so. Prepared. Just coffee.

Enter Racetrak. Select Cup. Select Decaf coffee and fill cup. Turn to the creamer / sweetener / flavor station to "complete" my Java.

Oh man! right there at the coffee station where there's every kind of creamer and syrup and artificial sweetener, they have brown -sugar cinnamon Poptarts ( right next to Sweet and low :/) I don't look too closely. I don't allow myself to play the mental taste / texture tapes. Those pop tarts and little Fay go Wayyy back.

I sidle up to pay for my coffee...oh Damn, they have bags of mini Reese cups. OMG!

Didn't get any. Didn't get anything but the coffee with a little creamer and sweet and low. Had planned a 100 cal Vitatop for when I got home.
( shhh, don't tell )
Get to church and get asked to see one of the kid's science projects(soda taste test)==right next to the friggin cup cakes. Didn't get one.

But when I got home I thought about that Vitatop...still a choice. I had eaten a little differently for dinner than planned and it would probably have put me just over my calorie allotment for the day. 1200? 1250? 1300?

Fay is right there. "Oh , HAVE IT ALREADY." "Look how good you did. Look at what you have given up? You didn't get all that other stuff. It's healthy, it's high fiber....(eyes wiggle) It's chocolate. " ( Fay sounds like Charlie Brown / Peanuts' Lucy)


NO, I shout back . But then rethink that and sigh. Explaining in a gentle voice (in my head), This is why I'm not doing that. Making big changes and getting big results involves choosing just the right calories for food with the best nutrition to fuel my body. If I'm hungry...really hungry and I have the calories..then yes, I could plan in and eat a treat. But that's not how it is today. Today was a lower carb day and we are not screwing with that and I just don't have enough calories. Sorry.

The thing is, I've been through this scenario many times in different forms. I know while I did well tonight , I might easily screw it up twice over tomorrow or Saturday. That is the struggle. Day to day --one day at a time.

I don't think most people feel like a store or a gas station is like running a gauntlet but I do. Today, I won. I've got to do something about the inner food addict Fay so she doesn't feel she needs to act out. She's been running the show a lot longer than the healthier me has. It isn't always calories in -calories out for me. Whole lotta stuff in between.

Hope this sparks some ideas for your own gauntlet runs.

Just Random

Liam Neeson's movie "Unknown"...pretty good..nice twist..had my friend and I talking and asking questions for sometime afterward and we still had more questions. I do like his movie "Taken " very much ..I like those European, thriller, action, killer type things I guess. I still get sad thinking of his wife Natasha Richardson dying recently ( they were both in "Nell" with jodie foster ). My friend didn't know who Liam Neeson was. I can't fathom that, but then I'm a movie nut.


Checking in on the weight losing front--I'm doing the exercise, eating the food , drinking the water -usually over my minimum of 123 oz -I've gotten used to it and want it now. Lot's of fantastic salads and roasted veggies. fruit and yogurt. Roasted veggie / turkey pepperoni flat out pizza ( in place of 2 slices cheese pizza).

Exercise:

The best thing for me over the years regarding exercise is to mix it up. Don't do the same routine things over and over , week after week. Your body gets used to it and says.."Un, unh...keep working girlie this isn't gonna cut it anymore."
So the downside of this is you have to be creative, face fears, sweat more.
So the upside is- you get to be creative, face fears, and sweat more.


My nutritionist always says --you have to either keep changing the Frequency, Intensity, or Time. Having worked with a personal trainer in the past during the first 100 pounds lost, I learned a lot. So I put that to use. Sometimes I take classes: Body pump or Body flow (yoga/pilates/tai chi) or dance classes Zumba or Body Jam. I do the strength training exercises in our challenge-squats, lunges, etc.
Once a week, I do circuits at the gym 10 minutes on a cardio machine alternating 10 minutes weight training machines and up and down a flight of stairs where the different machines are..This is for an hour. This is pretty intense.
Then there are days where I hurt and I just ride the bike or walk on the treadmill or take a rest day. And then there's walking the dogs. running with the dogs. running on my own-slowly. Exercise Tv. I like throwing in a Leslie Sansome walking exercise video in the middle of the day or first thing in the morning.
I just realized yesterday, it's time to shake things up some more. I'm going to take a Step class--high cardio. I think I'm ready. Step classes bring memories of the 80's and 90's and bad knees. But it will freak my body out..so I'm doing it. First one for me is next week.


Heavy--I watched the show last night. I , of course, live closer to this Hilton Head place but don't like it as much. I like that place in Texas and those trainers. I was uncomfortable with this person Debbie and some of the work they were doing with her. It is a sobering and upsetting show.

ok, now for Wayyyyyyy random: I came home last night to my husband watching Apocolypse Island on the history channel about the Mayan calender / end of the world prediction for 12/21/12. This stuff scares me. When weird and facts and science start lining up and pointing to the same thing it scares me. It also makes me wonder if some people will start living life differently, more friviously, spending all their money, eating whatever. hmmmmmm. just wondering.

Not a Fluke

So the scale saying 219.2 was not a fluke..today it says 218.6. I'm not checking again till Thursday which is when I weigh in before seeing the therapist.

Plan : keep on keeping on. one day at a time. plan , plan and then plan. lots of veggies. journal the food. exercise the bootay. live the rest of my life more fully too which does not involve food. keep it all in perspective. drink, drink, pee , pee.

Tricks or treats: Damn Girl Scouts delivered cookies--Husband bought them , not me. I had already turned about 7 of then away with no sales. The last thing we need in this house is a girl scout cookie. Thin mints and Tag a longs. I will admit to eating two yesterday, kicked myself, went to the gym and did a 5k in 58 minutes which is my best time yet. Mostly jogged and then walked another half hour afterward. I'm hiding the rest of the cookies-my husband is trying to diet too. I still just hit 1200 calories yesterday , but at what price?

cookies on a 1200 calorie diet is ...just plain wrong. sigh*

Thanks Body....Finally!

Oh my gosh! I'm watching Daytona 500 as I post this and all the cars are spinning in circles and crashing about ..wow!

Ok, back to my post...Thank you Body for finally giving it up and letting me finally get below 220. It was much easier to lose weight when I was in the 300's. Now it is a fight , less calories, I'm talking LESS calories ..a heck more Sweat and water and hours of exercise. All good for me. I'm not whining. I'm of the mindset that my body is changing more than the numbers are. I just bought a new bra -size 42 (formerly size 56). I'm grateful.




My email to Allan the challenger guru didn't post correctly this morning, so I just sent it again . If I hadn't dropped down below 220 I was going to bow out of the challenge. I'm in this for the motivation and the accountability and being a part of a group effort. Still want to be in it, but understandable that my results are not remarkable and actually look pitiful. Does not represent time and effort and desire. Kudos to everyone sticking with it and so glad that there are so many people changing their lives for the better.

It's been 30 years since I've been less than 220 !!!!! I've been waiting a while to post this picture. I had come to wonder if my body and mind had set a setpoint a 220 and that I would never see below it.

Dear Body,

Just LET GO. We've danced around 220 for HOW long? Time to move downward. It seems like there is some subtle, inner wizard behind the curtain pulling all kinds of levers and buttons who is trying to run the show and keep things stable and balanced. Whatever I try to do, you fight to keep equilibrium. You try to keep things safe.




So this week has been a bit different . The next 2 days are going to be even more different. I'm in control . The whole of me. The higher self. Not just the body. Not just the little girls inside me-the ones that hide, binge, whine, lie, fight, and pout. We'll gather together and take care of me.

Don't be afraid. Yeah, it's been a while since you've seen a 1 behind that 2. Heck it was a long time since you had seen a 2 instead of a 3 as the first number of your weight. But you made it through that with flying colors. You feel better and move better. You can kick ass and take names. You dance and ride bikes and run.

So hip and back , you hurt after Zumba and Sun salutations in Yoga and Body Flow. That's what heating pads, and lavender scented epsom salt baths, and Advil are for and I'm on it. So foot you have arthritis now, well there's a splint and if needed, new shoes in it for you. Knees, ice packs and more of the above.

Whatever, we all need we will get because we are working together to heal. The Body-Mind, and Spirit. Ready to push through plateau land.

Burn fat burn.


thanks..

odds and ends

-: my collar bones show without me hunching my neck / shoulders forward and my shoulders are getting kinda angular/muscle-y

-0 lifted heavier weights in body pump last night since it's been getting too easy on what I was doing. 45 minutes in my body said ...DONE..We are DONE...no more!
had to finish class early and go to church early and was about falling asleep there.
to bed at 10:05 which is early for me

:/ I dreamed about a dancing elephant jazz musical parade..I kid you not

I want to see that new Liam Neeson movie Unknown--with Madmen's Betty as the ?wife? :)...looks like Taken which I liked " I have a certain set of skills..."
I like Liam.

I'm crushing on timothy olyphant too...have been watching Deadwood for the first time on HBO On demand




I'm eating the food, drinking the water / green tea/coffee, and exercising

Wednesday 's Dear God,

What I pray for today: others in pain, the sick , loved one's of the sick.
The lost and the searching.
Others who need you too.
Guide me , show me the way.
Lead me to hope and faith and knowing.
Thank you, for the blessings in my life.
Forgive me for ...well , you know.
You are the greatest.
In Jesus name, Amen.

Love The One Ya With

Happy Valentines Day....

If you don't have a valentine..be your own.
Love on yourself a little--cup of hot tea, put your feet up. slather on lotion, daydream, paint those toenails, heck get a mani/pedi, listen to music, write a gratitude list, don't do the dishes, heck-do the dishes.
Whatever.
Just do something for yourself whether you got something from a significant other today or not.
Love yourself.
You are a treasure.
And if you have a pet, love them too.
And if you can spread a little love to someone else, then good for you.

Another One Bites The Dust--Things I learned or did this week in the journey to lose weight

For Challengers--week 1 done. french toast for brekkie..yum.
For this challenger-no weight lost and actually all week the scale has been up 1-2 pounds and remains up a pound as in 221. Crikey. 220.0 last Sunday?????
Or in Nell-speak--"Ga'anga?"..translation: guardian angel? What?
What the heck?


100% on the plan..nope But pretty darn close-especailly calorie wise. After, my talk with nutritionist since I'm diabetic-for me a cup of milk or a cup of juice I should substitute a bit. I've pulled out a little food from this meal here or there and added as part of a snack, especially before workouts. Allan doesn't wanna know about this so that's all I'm saying.

All kinds of thoughts come up to figure it out.--well, when I lost the first 100 lbs I would suddenly lose 6-10 lbs in 1 week and then nothing for 3 weeks and then a sudden 10 lbs all in 1 week. Maybe that's what's happening? Maybe it's weights workouts? Maybe it's that those little changes did make a difference? Maybe it's because I got sick this week? Had my period last week? The Moon was full. Blah Blah Blah...

Maybe it just is.

Not gonna complicate it. Gonna keep on.
No big Valentine Chocolate extravaganza for the Pj geek here. No big Ribeye/baked potato with all the fixings. No big bowl of ice cream or brownies. And That's ok. Maybe some tilapia/rice/ veggies tonight from Chili's.

Today, I'm planning out to make sure I have what I need and am doing for next week.

This is when it would be easy to give up and fall out and say "SCREW THIS". When you are really going to lose the weight you may have weeks that are just "What the heck?" weeks.

Here's something that happened yesterday that made me chuckle. I am not lying here. Yesterday, I was out for a meeting and errands and didn't get back home in time.. lunch was a burger on the plan.. I really had no interest in a fast food burger, but I was gonna follow the plan. I got a jr hamburger at wendys (normally 230cals) and ate 1/2 the bun and the meat and a little of the ketchup..total calories for that about 150. ( and got sick afterward ) While I'm in the drive thru line, I'm looking at the french fry sign about the natural cut / sea salt fries. Didn't plan to get them ..I got a salad with that burger, but I did entertain the memory of french fries and the taste . Then I looked up at the tag for the car in front of me.
It was a personal tag "Allan1". What, is he omnipotent now? Serendipity.

Some things I learned this week:
1. I went to a meeting that followed Robert's Rules of Orders such as "I motion" , "I second the motion" " Point of information : I have a question.."......I learned : I AM SO NOT IN TO THIS , SO NOT ME! ....and I used to have to lead meetings like this.
2. Strawberries: love them. Strawberries don't love me or my intestines.
3. Pears and Peaches: prefer them baked or microwaved with cinnamon.
4. My heating pad is my friend and should follow me from room to room on occasion.
5. Maybe there are not so many foreign folk reading my blog, but little computer bot terrorists out to get me and my information...:(...I'm so naive.
6. My sister and her fiance' are struggling with his multiple myeloma..pain is a bitch. patience is a virtue.
7. Tried on clothes at Kohls and I am a 1X tops and bottoms. Don't remember ever being a 1 X. Didn't buy anything. Not gonna be a 1X for long.

Exercise for the week Sunday 02/06-Sat 02/12 (earlier in the week I posted what I planned to do )
Sun: jog/walked 40 minutes.
Mon: stood/danced while working 1 hour, Yoga=5 minutes, walked dogs -20 minutes
bike at gym--got in 5 minutes before a class , Body Pump -- 1 hour ( lots of squats, pushups, lunges, heavier weights today--more sweat), Body Jam --20 minutes.
Tues: Dog walk 20 minutes--felt sinus / cold sick today
Wed: stood/danced while working 2 hours, dog walk 20 min, calf raises/ squats
Thurs: 32 minutes run/walk intervals / 23 minutes bike intervals
Fri: 15 min dog walk / run intervals , strength exercises challenge, 15 wt train
Zumba 1 hr, stood and worked 30 minutes
Sat: no exercises

Gratitude: No binges this week. Only 1 teensy compulsive behavior with food and that was a learning moment for me to manage going forward. Did not give in to the damn trigger places that I was in the neighborhood for-I planned and I prayed. Tried on clothes at Kohls and I am a 1X tops and bottoms...Maybe I'm getting out of the fat girl dept soon. Yesterday, temps in the 50's and laid in the sun on a quilt with the animals and listened to music. Thanks God.

Feedjit Live Traffic Feed--thingamij! Hey Europe?

I find this thing fascinating and perplexing. When I first added it to the blog I was excited and amazed everytime someone from another country read my blog. Heck, I 'm fascinated just in seeing people all over the country reading it.

It's fun to see when people google something and find my blog from google. pjs and food is a common google search. Posts I did about Geeneen Roth when she was on Oprah.

Ok, If anyone from Europe or anywhere else who comes to my blog from my September 2010 posts..Please! Where are you linking this from ? I have noticed many , many readers that read that specific post. What the heck?

Just curious.

Anyway. All are welcome. I think and write in my own little way about my own little stuff. This is not Pullitzer prize stuff.

My husband and I ( and all my friends through the years) have always talked and (even think) in dog speak, pirate speak, Austrailian/Scottish/Jamaician/British accents, Nell- speak from the movie Nell, I'm from Alabama and there is a specific Alabama way of talking that leaks through, and primarily movie speak...It leaks through because I can't help it.
I don't want to help it. I don't... have to help it.

I have to work and be professional most of the time, so my blog/ my colloquialisms.

Happy Saturday , Ya'll..I'm gowin down to do a little service at the big Overeaters Anony. meeting and it will be like running a gauntlet...I'll be close to all kinds of trigger places that my little food addict wants to visit since we don't normally visit these areas. A wee bit of shopping ( no PJ's!). ( no new books ) though I'm tempted. A visit to my Gym (ah therapy and good music) and home to make some crockpot chicken salsa stuff for tacos.

Damn Valentine Candy! Get thee Away! ( makes sign of cross)

cocka doodle doo

I have a little waddle just like this fella.

No bad dreams except I had a baby rooster hatch from an egg I was going to eat and then I was trying to get it a plate of water and food , but the cat must have got it. Otherwise it was an interesting dream night about cleaning up clutter, family unity, my grandmother's house in the country.

What does that have to do with anything?
Nuthin'
hee hee....sometimes dreams are supposed to be wacky and not demented like the night before.

Saw my therapist yesterday, worked on some emerging stuff. Then went to my second therapist--the GYM- did running intervals for 30 minutes and then intervals on the bike for 20 minutes while listening to music from the 80's. REALLY SWEATED.

I remembered the first time I ran on a treadmill and sweated and how amazed I was..that was just a year + ago. I don't always work myself to the fever pitch that I'm dripping and when I do it feels like a big release and like I'm strong and not to be messed with. It didn't kill me at 300 lbs or at 220ish.

I'm realizing that as I'm losing weight and my body is changing that I don't like some of the ways I look . I feel more vulnerable with my body exposed--my skinny neck specifically. I have a skinny neck and a waddle like the roosters. It makes me feel vulnerable and weird..gonna wear fashionable scarves for a while or turtlenecks just to feel secure. Maybe because I'm at a pivotal weight 220 that I'm been trying to break through to for 30years. Packing on pounds covers up and hides and protects you so I'm feeling like a little baby chick perhaps with a waddle.

Maybe.

eating / exercise/ fluids...all on plan.
TGIF

What the heck?!

I had horrible dreams / oh nightmares and woke up early at like 6:15, so I got up. Been in blogland and gathering some strength ever since. Just a crapola of a dream. I don't even want to write it down and try to figure it out. sick and twisted. Just Scrambled my brain and I'm left going WTF?

I'd rather have another Madmen dream , please or another Timothy Olyphant dream. Gosh, even the Gosselins again.



*********************
I got on the scale and it's up. ???? I guess it's water retention cause I'm doing what I'm sposed to be doing.


Ok, gotta do some self care here. Take care of myself with love and gentleness.

Just eat the food, drink the water, shake the booty.


I'm in the mood for day 2's food today / doing this out of order:
oatmeal/fruit/milk breakkie
turkey sandwich lunch
chicken / baked potatoe / veggie dinner

it is friggin' cold here and Atlanta got a dusting of snow..not sure I can deal with a milk shake for snack but I'll leave that for later

One minute at a time

Gratitude: my dog Lillie snores and likes to keep me company when I get up early like this, fleece blanket on my lap, Jack and Roxie's blogs this morning

Day 3 challenge stuff /Jon and Kate and 8 nightmare

Yesterday, exercise didn't go as planned. Starting getting a sinus/ throat thing/muscle pain thing. So I stayed in and went to bed early.
calories less than 1200--just couldn't eat it all
fluids around 140 (above)


Rn here with many years of nursing experience. This is what I do when I start feeling this way ( not saying you should)
--drink Yogi honey/lemon throat comfort tea
--lavender scented heating pad on neck
--vitamin C
--Ecchinachia
--Aleive
--halls honey throat drops
--sleep

all better today ..could have developed in to something bad...this is my treatment above for the beginnings of a sinus / cold thing and it seems to be working for me..

Watched the Biggest Loser--omg..the chocolate. all I'm saying. But the guy that gorged on 35 pieces of chocolate to make a power move and then looked dumbfounded when he only lost 9 pounds . Ridiculous.

Today: Today is day 3, I'm gonna follow day 3's food , Throat/sinus thing--appears to be gone gone.
Will See the nutritionist tonight so should be interesting.

Oh , I dreamed about Jon and Kate's 8 kids as teenagers ( I don't know why-maybe the sickness leaking out of me)..All I'm saying is Trouble is coming. :)

gratitude: blog people, healing, feeling good

Keep on everyone.

Random stuff on day 1 of Phase 5 Challenge

Day 1 of Phase 5--never forget that this is a challenge. I won't always document the specifics of this journey, but thought I might today.

REALLY following a calorie limit and certain fluid goals and exercise guidelines ---any plan that you choose- is a challenge
Challenge of will and challenge of discipline.
Surrender.

For those of you that don't know, this is 1200 calories a day , but not entirely my choice of 1200 calories...hmmmmmmmmmmmm..working on it..had to go to the grocery to stock up on a few things.

Struggles with challenge--well, I'm having a bit. As a Diabetic, this is kinda different than how I eat. The milk and the juice on the plan are issues for me. Also, some of the snacks as straight fruit would be a problem. Some days I have intense workouts that require a carb/protein combo snack prior or else I don't have the energy to get through them and get h ome. Have literally yawned and gotten sleepy and out of energy mid exercises with a trainer when my intake wasn't just right, Ergg. My Diabetes is in great control and latest labs are better than ever, but I don't want to mess with this. I'm gonna run the food plans by my nutritionist and see if she has any input. She's ex Army and a marathon runner--tough and no nonsense. She might just say suck it up and do it or switch out this and that. According to Allan, he doesn't wanna know. This is about all I'm gonna say about that.

Bottom line, I'm motivated by the challenge and Allan , so it's worth giving it a try.

That being said: Tomorrow I'm eating Day 5 and day 6 looks good too. Planned it out and it's all gonna be good.....Some days of the challenge are perfect for me and I will repeat them while I figure this out .



Exercise : The challenge has exercises and I pretty much exceed all of this, but I will make sure to get in the challenge requirements in addition to what I do already. That part takes work.

Here's a week at a glance of exercise for me/ or what I've planned :
Sunday , I mostly jogged /and walked a tiny bit for 40 minutes. Had lots of energy.
Didn't plan to watch the Superbowl and actually did and enjoyed it.

Tomorrow, I'll walk/jog on treadmill as much of a 5k as I have time for as well as dog walks if it isn't raining. (if the hip/ knees cooperate--otherwise elliptical or bike==switching it up makes it all work. ) Then on to an OA meeting..it's a long day.
Helps to have the food planned and prepped.

Today:
stood and danced in place while working at the computer for an hour
(Desk job for 8-9 hrs a day , so it's a nice change of pace and I do this almost one hour per day now)
Yoga=5 minutes
walked dogs -20 minutes
bike at gym--got in 5 minutes before a class
Body Pump -- 1 hour ( lots of squats, pushups, lunges, heavier weights today--more sweat)
Body Jam --20 minutes.

plans for the rest of the week
Wednesday will be walking at home / exercise tv / challenge exercises
Thurday maybe walking at home,yoga at gym, challenge exercises
Friday -walking, Zumba, challenge exercises
Saturday -collapse--maybe something ..play it by ear



.....and then to the grocery store

I get kinda irritated when I see new food products and I try not to look too closely at them because sometimes they get a free billboard in my brain..... food obsession. Damn Pepperidge Farms and their new cookies!

Avoiding certain aisles entirely is what works for me. But then they put the stuff at the end of the beauty products aisle or cookies in the sugar free pudding / jello/ yogurt section.

Dear Kroger, Dear Publix -give me a break, man

A lady in front of me bought 2 shopping carts full of food. She had just joined Weight Watchers and was stocking up. I try not to judge. But, How do you lose weight eating all that white flour , processed food and ice cream?

"And , yes the Little Debbie Swiss cake rolls in my buggy are most definitely ONLY for my husband! for real."

Things I learned today : Sugar free gum makes me hungry. What is the Biggest Loser thinking suggesting that? Water or hot tea makeS me feel full. Yeah!

Gratitude for today-willingness, hope, journaling

220 - FOR THE LAST FRIGGIN' TIME!

Ta DAH! That is right. For the last time.

I'm not sure if my post yesterday revealed what a good place I'm in right now...even before the weigh in. But I really am . Thanks to all of you in blogland for your support. Being able to express your struggles and woes and challenges and effort is a necessary part of healing as far as I'm concerned.

I started my 'for real , doing it this time, and only this time' weight loss journey somewhere around the end of DEC 2007 at 5'2 and 345 pounds. I had many false starts, eating disorder therapies, many diets, many exercise efforts prior to that. But Jan 2008, I started exercising at Curves and eating 1900 cal a day.....my hips measured 64+ inches as in my hips were 5 feet around. Curves was a challenge for me. Hard to get in and out of the machines when you are that short and squat. I did fall once. But I stuck with it. And I eventually moved beyond Curves to a 'real gym' and a trainer and interval training, jogging, weight training, kickboxing, yoga, pilates . And I dropped the calories because I couldn't lose weight and eat 1900 calories any more. And here I am , 125 pounds lost. 3 + years later. And I want to lose more for my health and my quality of life.

Today, I am Grateful. I'm eating right at or sometimes a little above 1200 calories a day. Occasionally, my life long addiction to food / compulsive overeating kicks in and I screw up. Not perfect. Just doing it..one day at a time.

Today , I'm willing to eat a breakfast of egg whites/ turkey sausage/ veggie scramble, cinnamon toast, and red luscious, cherries at a whopping 245 calories. And it is delicious and all I want and need. Later a lunch of tuna salad, salad, light potatoe chips, fruit. Dinner of turkey meatballs, sweet potatoe, roasted veggies. A snack or 2 somewhere of yogurt and berries and a couple of walnuts or maybe 1 oz of very dark chocolate or popcorn. And lots of water , lots of water, etc , etc, etc, and coffee and tea and low carb hot chocolate. It will be right at 1200 cal and it will be very enjoyable.

**

When I first woke up I teetered in to the laundry room where 'that damn scale' is. I took off my sweatshirt but left the pink fuzzy pj pants on . 221.8. Damn. I wanted to be 221.4 or below. My hip was screaming from the stairmaster and the bike yesterday. I took some Midol with a sip of water. I washed dishes. Sat the butt on the heating pad and entered blog world hoping I would have to 'go potty'. Well, that didn't work. I headed back in to the laundry room, after putting on the Dunkin Donuts Cinnamon Spice coffee on to brew. I stripped down -even the rings and the scrunchee this time.

.



I was irritated that I had to weigh holding the camera. But I couldn't believe it. Then I had to take like 6 shots and finally hold my finger over the flash to get the # to show.


Wow 220 !..... Can't believe it. Been here once in the last 6 months for about 2 days. Don't wanna be here again. I haven't been below 220 that I know of since I was a teenager and I am now 48.

Phase 4 final weigh in 220 That is a loss of 10 lbs
Phase 5 official weigh in --220.

Drama Blender Delight

Lot of drama lately ..in my life..some in blogland. Drama is something I try to avoid. I think my therapist calls it 'conflict avoidance'. Drama is something that was always in my life as a kid, so no wonder I eat to dull it or hide.

But when you can , you have to work through the drama and rise above it . In my case, that means actually feeling stuff and dealing with stuff. And sometimes you just have to dump it and let it go.

Here's some of what's been going in to the recipe of my drama blender lately.


About a tablespoon of this. Oprah's secret sister thing brought up some stuff for me. I actually have a half brother out there..somewhere. Thoughts of should I search him out and contact him come up. So far. Not doing it.

1/4 cup of this. Remembering where and how much I used to hide as a kid. Have not always remembered all of this. What I'm hiding from other than a raging , screaming parent / family I don't know. I even have had dreams lately where I'll look at the environment for places to hide. I even in real waking life have noticed I'm looking for places to hide. What does this all mean? I'd love to hear your thoughts. I think it has to do with not stuffing down feelings and numbing out with food. In other words, stuff is coming up.


1 cup of this.In the last week or so my sister's fiance was diagnosed with a bad, bad cancer and has been hospitalized in icu today. As the family nurse, I get calls and questions. I have great difficulty when it's myself or family in being the rational, thinking nurse. I try to be more positive and hopeful and explain what I know in plain language ( I learned to do this the hard way). At best, I try to give them an understanding and suggest questions to ask of their doctors. I have sometimes diagnosed the issue or even prevented escalation of a problem, but couldn't really tell them other than 'you need to ask this, or see if they've run this test'. Typically, whatever my family member has is something that I've had patients with recently. I hate that coincidence. I've learned that this is the best way for me to handle these questions. I'm not a doctor and I sure as heck don't know everything. I am a nurse and second guessing is what I do best. I am sad and worried for my sister and her fiance. Life is now changed forever for them.

3 tablespoons of this. Last week my best (long distance/Canada ) friend called to talk ..it was about a 2 hour call. Her dad died. Her 12 yr old dog had to be put down and her husband is losing his job. Whew! I don't talk in platitudes, I don't say "it's gonna get better"...I listen , I say I'm here, and when appropriate I relate how it felt to go through my mother's death and funeral and grieving and trying to return to work and putting a beloved dog down and getting laid off from a job. At the end of that call, I was shredded. My friend felt supported and wanted to talk to me again soon. Another long distance friend called and left a message to call him..Un unh..don't have it in me. I did eat compulsively that night. It worked, it numbed me a bit.

16 ounces and 2 tablespoons of this. Frozen. My husband is miserable in his job which means he is miserable at home. He has been there for years and has many skills and gifts. But the focus they have now is on upsale, upsale , upsale and do what you need to do (ethical or not, though it isn't really said that way). Many of his coworkers game the system and move ahead. He just can't ethically do that. Good , hard work and good customer service is not valued. He emails his boss a question or a problem and gets no responses. I worry about him and the potential he would get fired, not from a financial perspective but for the effect it would have on his psyche. This is miserable. I would love for him to quit, go to school, whatever. We could manage it financially. He is not there yet and thinks he would rather at least get unemployment. :( I so would rather he make the choice to leave them.

1 ounce of this.
Church friend breaks down in tears every time we talk because she is just waiting for her company to close down and be out of a job.

about 1/4 cup of this and your almost done.. Shake up in blog land / the Phase 4 challenge. Phase 4 shut down, toys packed up and put a way. Then Phase 5 on ..do I play?

Not a question I had to think of for long. I am willing and working to follow a 1200 cal / high fluid intake diet. I'm planning, preparing foods. I am not relying on Bistro MD or Good Measure Meals (though I still have some of it and mix it in the mix). It's not about the prizes, though they seem intriguing. It's about working with OA a 12 step recovery program to heal that food addict so I don't turn to food compulsively. It's about just getting as healthy as I can which would mean I would have to lose more weight. I'm in the final part of the weight loss haul here and this challenge is a challenge. It tests my discipline and my honesty and my will and whole being to stick to the guidelines we follow. For whatever reason, it motivates me , scares me, challenges me, and makes me better. I have not been perfect. But it is getting better and better each week.


2 tsp and that's all. Got a raise and a bonus at work. Big Bonus. Pretty big raise. Why is this a problem? First, other folks got laid off. Major company but as a nurse I'm currently of value..how long will that last? AND Because , sometimes , when things are really ...really good, You look around and wait for the calamity to hit. What's gonna happen next?

Blend it for about 5 1/2 minutes almost If it is too chunky keep blending. If it tastes like crap , you really won't enjoy eating it. Throw it the heck out

That's it.
I can't handle all this alone. I journal and I pray and I turn it over to God. I white knuckle it. I'm not perfect. Next thing I know I've eaten something that I shouldn't have. Food Addict wins again. Back to square one.

I don't recommend watching "The Kid's Are All Right" which is pretty drama filled when you are already drama filled. It isn't a bad movie, it's just drama , drama, drama. Pick something that is either freaking scary or all rosy hearts and love or funny. We can only take so much . And I'm learning I don't have to be perfect. I am not one to count days of abstinence as some folks in 12 step programs do. Because I would contantly be screwing up and feeling bad about that too. Progress not perfection is one platitude I can work with.

increasing metabolism any which way you can

Duran Duran
I get inspiration from different places for different things. About a week ago I was in the mood to dance, I sit at a computer all day for work, and so I get up now and then and dance. One day I said," I want to work standing up." So I took a box here and there..propped up my keyboard , mouse , screen and worked and danced ..tricky. I'd seen a news clip about a person who had lost a ton of weight standing while they worked versus sitting. So not so far fetched.

Weird , but the next day our work website showed off a new "standing workstation including treadmill" that our employees can get at a discount if we want to purchase it. $4000. (most of us work at home and we provide our own furniture)

My version is free and there's no treadmill, but I prefer to dance. Yesterday, I did the standing / dance / work thing for about an hour. It kind of feels / looks like I'm the keyboard person for a band dancing as I play/type. .......burn baby burn.

Other weird inspiration came from these macho muscle guys at the gym. My gym has all types of folks-young and old , fat and thin, muscle men-aerobics chicas. These 2 muscle guys were finishing their workout and standing in front of me while they packed up their gear after a workout. They wore fleece sweatshirts and pants, knit hats, drank water from gallon jugs. They were drenched in sweat. EWW!

But it got me thinking. Yesterday, was cold cold cold. I wore long johns under my sweatpants to walk the dogs. I thought, "why not just wear this to the gym to the weight lifting class--heat things up a bit"....I did. I did get toasty at the end.



ya do what ya gotta do

Dear Allan........I Eat Cottage Cheese and I like it

Say it isn't so , brother.
I'm trying and willing to eat 1200 calories and work at it.
Need ya still

Today's breakfast Western low carb bagel-- 110 cal / 7g protein
1/2 cup low fat high fiber cottage cheese -- 80 cal
1/2 cup blue berries -- 40 cal
2 walnuts halves -- 20 cal
cinnamon and truvia
COFFEE, nectar of the Gods
a bucket of water

250 calories , delicious , healthy....on plan