The Scale Has Spoken: excuses and tenacity

Tenacious
1. Holding or tending to hold persistently to something, such as a point of view.
2. Holding together firmly; cohesive
(defined from www.thefreedictionary.com)

I started posting responses to other blogs today and realized I needed to post something on my own blog. I also changed my photo and my blog description. It isn't easy to admit that you've regained weight. I don't know what my new plan is or my resolutions or goals or whatever. I just know that a large part of me is ready for things to be better and another part wants to eat something really good and tasty. Ultimately, I know which part NEEDS to win if I want to live a life with quality. The thing is, that a life with quality for today is just one that has the food addiction behaviors in check. Weight loss will hopefully be a by-product of that but not become an obsession.

I must be a believer in "Tough Love"..I had my doctor's appointment today and will see the gyn doc tomorrow. I was in a strong moment of trying to be healthier when I made those appointments just days after Christmas. My food addict part is blushing and shrugging her shoulders. Yes, the culmination of both binge eating disorder behavior and just plain ol sinful eating for enjoyment of the last several months along with the escalation of holiday eating were there on the scale for me to see , and the doctor , and the assistant.

50 pounds more than my lowest of the last few years. I was JUST 20 pounds from my goal weight. Now I'm 70 pounds from my goal. And my goal is still putting me in the lower end of the obese category. A lot of loose skin is what I'm saying.

Already I want to explain or rationalize. I have binge eating disorder. I fell off the wagon. I got to my lowest weight in 30 years and kind of freaked out. I started having intense , bad and abuse -like weird dreams. I was working through things in therapy with an honesty unlike I had ever before. I started having panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I rebounded from the restrictions of dieting. My body was injured from the exercise-which I loved at the time. Stress. Work. Depression. Body image. Husband. Infertility. Life.

In other words, I wasn't using my drug of choice --food--and I started to deal with my stuff. Then, I started using my drug of choice again . Relapse.

I'd lost 135 pounds and it was never, ever a certain amount of weight week by week by week. So when other bloggers say I lose "this " amount of weight every week when I follow the plan" , I would think "what is wrong with me?". Now when I see or hear someone say or a diet plan or guru say --"You will lose between X and X # of pounds each week", I think that maybe that is the potential flaw in the whole weight loss world.( But I still sometimes think I've failed when it doesn't magically work for me. )

Essentially, I know there is more to me and my body and food and weight and emotions and life than losing weight to get to a number on the scale. I almost got there. I do NOT want to regain all of my lost weight. I already feel some of the symptoms I felt when I was at my heaviest. What would it be like if I regained all the weight?

I don't want to find out. I'm in it for the long haul. I would like to be the 80 year old white haired lady getting in trouble at the senior living center for dancing and playing my cool music too loud. U2, New Order, Duran Duran, Coldplay, The Smiths, etc, etc, etc, etc. Of course, that would be in the year 2042 and there will probably be computer chips implanted in our brains by then.

As humans, we are Tenacious. (maybe not like cockroaches). But still tenacious. Clearly , I don't have the answers. I'm still searching. I still get confused between working through issues without using food versus losing weight by eating a certain (amount , type, etc of food). All that other stuff comes in between there.

What I think it is , is this: Facing it and feeling it while Eating less, eating healthier, and keeping moving. Some forgiveness. Some forgetting. Striking a balance rather than always being at extremes, but not being stagnant either.

Well here is my blurt for today. I'll be reading and searching for answers, as always. And working out on my elliptical--soon to be named.