Mid year Update--sort of

I accidentlally posted a post that I just meant to save and then saw I posted it , so I deleted it. Then I read Dietgirl's post so I'm going to repost some of it. I've been trying to write a post for a couple of days now , but didn't know what I wanted to say exactly .

Welcome second half of the Year!...My husband says "Oh we are finally working towards Christmas". We both prefer cooler weather and look forward to fall and the holidays. funny that we live in the hot , steamy south .

But back to reality, July 5 is the anniversary date for my losing 100lbs and this is the second year of maintaining a 120lb loss. And I need there to be a lifetime more of those anniversaries. I can't go back. But I can't go forward in the way that I got to that 100lb loss. I'm trying to forge a new path for myself that is a bit more balanced--this is more about everthing in life -family , relationships, household cleanliness and order, money, AND food. I got too obsessed with diet and numbers and goals and health and kind of lost sight of everything else. Regarding food: Not so black and white and not so many rules, but I'm a food addict and that doesn't get healed like a blister .

I'm reading several books now and trying to figure out what works for me. When you make mistakes and have set backs along the way, it's difficult to not throw up your hands and look for the next diet or the next right thing to do or call up Nutrisystem (which is on sale this week.) It's been 8 years since my last short romance with Weight Watchers. All the scenarios run through my mind...it's like getting a fix that is supposed to fix it all. It doesn't . It's me that has to work this through and the methods I choose are just tools.

So far in 2011 I started off the year in diet challenges, very focused on getting it done and losing this last bit of weight. Tired of being plateaued in the mid 220's. I did diet down to 210 my lowest weight since I was in high school. But, it was a blind trail on a hike that took a lot of effort and left me bruised and tired and hating the hike--scared to keep hiking and not sure I know how to do it. Really weary.

210 wasn't my goal weight (190 was) but I think I started experiencing what I read about when people reach goal weight and realize that your life doesn't suddenly change or seem different. And it isn't even that I expected it would be so different. I just know I suddenly had more eating disordered thinking and more body image concerns and more rigid rules to live by along with a lot of guilt and anxiety and self-judgment . I was experiencing binges like I hadn't in the last several years. What was I numbing and trying to cover up? I could only guess that being smaller was leading to this lapse in to my old eating disorder stuff.

Ok, maybe being smaller made me feel more vulnerable and brought up stuff from the past . I truly don't know. I think some of it is my body isn't what I thought it would be--the extra skin and flab. I didn't get off all the meds like they do on The Biggest Loser, but then the best thing for my health is to still be taking those meds . I still need to use a Cpap for sleep apnea even though I'm so much smaller. Sure you can wear smaller clothes and you don't feel like you stick out like a sore thumb, but it isn't the People magazine or Oprah show experience that you were expecting.

All of the black and white thinking-no eating after x time, 200 cal for the afternoon snack even though you are going to the gym and won't be able to function after 20 minutes because you don't have the energy. The damn number on the scale becomes so important you find yourself doing extra exercising and thinking about laxatives to get that number to come up on the scale by a certain date. You have trigger places that you want to visit and enjoy but you can't because you might lose control. You feel guilty for thinking or feeling certain things. It goes on and on .

And then when you try to break away from diet life and try intuitive eating or some other plan , you , (I) struggle with that too.

So I had a 3 day weekend and a good deal of it was spent cleaning because I need to be antihistamine free this week for an upcoming allergist appointment. I spent a lot of time reading books, blogs, journaling. My husband and I enjoyed some of our favorite foods. We both recognize we value health so the favorite food thing is ok when done sparingly. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm not jumping in to anything. But just wanted to share where I was.

And I had my physical last week and my labs are even better than ever. I'd pretty much stopped the diet mentality on May 20th. I'd started having binges every few days or so and started seeing a new eating disorder nutritionist around then which was around when I had a little panic attack. So I'd been eating "off traditional diet plans" for about a month when I had my physical. My blood sugar was great, fasting was 93. My Hgb a 1c was the best it ever has been 5.5 . My cholesterol is all perfect. The only issue I have is a little anemia and allergiy / sinus issues. The number on the scale was less than I had been the last time I went though not my lowest of 210. But the scale is creeping up. The scale had already creeped up in the last weeks of my "dieting" because I was eating out of emotions and having unconcious eating and uncontrolled eating. I'm just hanging in that same range. So I don't see trying intuitive eating as being the reason the scale climbs..it's all of the above.

Just wanted to put it out there. We recognize the end of the year and the beginning of the year with goals and resolutions. So here MID YEAR is mine.
"Ditching the diet mentality" but finding a structure of some support while eating along the lines of intuitive eating is what I'm aiming for. Being healthy , being a little smaller than I am but I have no weight set..maybe around 200 or just below and I 'm setting no time line.

Happy MID YEAR!