Working on being healthy in body , mind , spirit..135 lbs lost, then Maintained for a few years, and lately some regained. Working on it -in and out of Pjs
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Hablo Intuitive Eating?
I've been posting itty bits about my jump off the diet - binge cycle. Itty bitty bits because it is like trying to speak a new language and being embarrassed with the way you pronounce things. It's not being sure you are using the words right or that you really understand or trust yourself. Very little it seems. So Far. Now, calories or WW points or fat grams-that language I know and speak fluently.
Thursday is round 3 with the new nutritionist. I'm reading the book "Intuitive Eating" which has been a great resource for me and makes 100% sense to me now. Funny that my last nutritionist recommended this book to me back when I weighed 320 lbs , but I just wasn't ready for it then. I wasn't at this place in my journey. I just passed the ear-marked page which was all I had read back then. I remember it seemed impossible, a fairy tale and a bunch of hooey. " Not for me! Give me rules and black and white. I'm in a hurry here. I want a food plan!"
I know that structure and the planning and everything I did then as far as dieting and exercise was right for me at the time. But it hasn't been working for a while and it becomes more clear to me every day how screwed up I'd gotten with intermittent spurts of rigid, diet control versus being flat out of control with food and then beating up on myself until I was whipped in to submission.
Here's a peep in to this new world for me. I woke up thinking about the scale today. I immediately realized from another part of my brain--"Whoa! obsessed much? and how much do I think about the scale?"...Well, a lot. I tallyed up 3 times by 10 am. 6 times by 4pm. Probably 20 times by now. Haven't weighed. Won't weigh till tomorrow. I know my clothes fit. My size 18 jeans that just started fitting a couple of months ago still fit fine. I wear those when I go out to eat versus elastic wasteband pants, so I'm reminded of what my body feels like at this size. But I'm so aware now of that scale obsession and some of the craziness I've had around it. Damn scale.
I will admit that by not weighing I haven't judged myself as much. I don't 100% trust myself or my body yet. I felt hunger and ate a balanced meal. I wasn't hungry again for another 4 hours. I felt full after eating another time. I wanted ice cream and ate a small scoop. I didn't want french fries with my meal and didn't get them. The meal I always stare at on the menu , I finally had a half portion of. Eh. No biggie. No desire to ever have that again. I did great yesterday and felt free from food addict thinking and behavior. Today was a little different--not as happy and shiny. Monday got a little out of control with one thing and I pinpointed what that was all about. I didn't trust myself and that lack of trust and understanding led to being out of control. Like I said, this is like walking on shifting sand. I'm working on it..just not talking so much about it.
***addendum Thursday AM--blogger comments isn't working again so in reply for Alan. I expect people who are in the diet mentality to not get this. I didn't. I needed a diet to lose weight. And I'm not where society or I want to be weight-wise ( mine doesn't match society's idea exactly). But so many years in to this journey, 2 years of maintaining over 100 lb loss, and having old eating disorder behavior kick in to high gear from diet restriction behavior is enough to make me expand my viewpoint. I would have agreed 100% a year ago that intuitive Eating is a sure fire way to gaining weight back.
I'm a Geek for many things: Food, Pajamas, Coffee, Chocolate, Movies, Books, getting and being fit and healthy, 80's music, and the list goes on and on .....A nurse, a diabetic, I've lost over 130 lbs and have more to go . And I actually enjoy working out.
I chose the names of Ms. PJ Geek and PJ and Pounds because I have happy memories of childhood, coming in dirty and sweaty from playing in the yard. Then taking a bath, putting on a fresh nightgown and feeling all new again . I felt like a princess. Fresh renewal. .........
All names and situations will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, and so I can keep my job. While I am a nurse, I do not intend this to be a blog with specific directions or guidelines for healthcare. And.....though I have a college degree, that was a long time ago ya'll, and I don't remember proper punctuation or grammar.