So this weekend my husband joined me for a trip down memory lane as we journeyed to Alabama to the memorial service of the mother of my best friend from childhood to teen years. During my childhood I thought of her mom as one of 'my other mothers'. The librarian at the town library was another. The choir director, another. Women who raised me up and loved me with either books or music or food. They listened, cared enough to ask questions, encouraged, guided. T's mom was definitly my "food mama".
My husband commented "all your memories focus on food". I mean , we had to stop for the usual hot roast beef po -boy that we get everytime we visit my home town.
"Correction, honey, many, but not all of my good memories focus on food."
During the eulogies at the service several people spoke. Food was mentioned many times and was a big portion of one person's memories of this dear one. I looked at my husband and said "SEE". I didn't feel so weird. I wasn't the only one remembering her for her love and her food.
Later , at an 'after luncheon' my old best friend waxed poetically about the cookies her mom made and the foods that we ate as kids after school at her house. She was all of 84 pounds during high schoool and I was pushing or over 200. Quite a pair. We were both equally food focused though I confess I probably , obviously , ate more.
On the drive home, I thought about that "other mother" idea. I've definitely sought that in my past but also in female bosses, therapists, coworkers. Why? Then I remembered. My own mom who "had issues" had a couple of 'nervous breakdowns' when I was very young and then a pre teen. She was focused on her stuff. And the drama of my older sisters. I was the 'trying to be good girl"..shoving cookies down my throat to feel comfort and love and sedation. I blog about the 'house o drama' and being a food addict since being a little kid, but I forget some of the reasons behind all that.
Food was my 'other mother'. But not really.
Anyway--nuff about that, something clicked since that trip home. I'm taking care of myself . I'm mothering myself or at least caring for my self in other ways than with food. It feels better. It is better. My body and my life require it. Finally, I'm back where I was . Well , not back where I was. But in a different place..moving towards a better place.
It is good that you realized some things that are behind your eating. I had to learn to mother myself too. My mother was busy with my brother and she didn't know how to be with other women, even her daughter, except in a competitive way. It was very damaging to my self-esteem. I can't blame her for my obesity but I do blame some of my other issues on her treatment of me. I felt parentless back then and now I try to love myself to make up for that lack. Food was my comfort too for many years.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand that. I too used and sometimes still use food to comfort myself when my mother or stepmom are being less than nurturing, sometimes even damaging. It's hard to find substitute for the love and support you think you deserve...it can be really rough.
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