Now for November..........

Halloween afternoon reading the Sunday paper
sweet Lillie.
Angel says "let's go get some trick or treaters"

I'm so over October - Choco-holiday #1 is Over! Starting with my birthday at the beginning of the month, then much eating out with travel and fun, pumpkin bakery items, it's been a food fest from the 1st to the 31'st. That I havn't really gained a lot of weight is a cool miracle. Food fun and not fun was had.
I'm READY for a new month, fresh start, and maybe some lessons learned.

Halloween: I did a fair amount of carb and sugar purging from the house. All but 4 pieces of chocolate candy are given out. I still eat chocolate, mostly sugar free, but this is the real thing. Fun-size snickers and reeses cup miniatures-things that I really used to over do on and only very rarely have. That is so ok.

We get a lot of trick or treaters. I gave out the chocolate I liked first by large handfuls, then the candy I'm "Meh" about, then the majority of the candy I bought was Skittles and Nerds and Wacky Taffy. I'd just been to the store and I guess I was still in that frame of mind of "Ooh goody, fall food fun! and had bought some carby treats. They are all gone : a box of rice krispie treats, a Halloween bag of
30 mini bags of pretzels to give out but then I decided to keep just 2. I had a box of 10 mini bags of microwave popcorn-gone and half of a 100 cal snack pack box of lite Ritz cracker mix. Even mini boxes of raisins.

By 8:50 pm, we only had 6 mini raisin boxes and 1 rice krispie treat left and the secret tiny stash of candy. My husband and I undecorated the porch, all shades of Halloween are gone: the 10 mini pumpkins, lit jack o laterns, 30 mini bats, owls, witches items, spiders and cobwebs were removed. The lights are off. Even the sensor lights are off. We closed early for the night and the trick or treaters took the hint.

It feels good to have that stuff out of the house. I'm back to working my plan. TMI..Aunt flo is visiting ( she is as irregular and witchy as they come sometimes ) and the symptoms I've been to the doctor for are continuing but not as bad. I'm having an Ultrasound next week, but overall I still feel better. OOPs just got a call got to ultrasound one my boobs too..oh boy.

Halloween also brought the death of my friend and coworker in Hospice, and I'm just relieved she is no longer suffering. Witnessing her struggle to fight cancer and to live is inspiring and motivates me every day.

Self care stuff: organized, cleaned up part of living room. Bought new bedroom slippers and Pjs.

Southern Ghost Tales : Part 2

I gotta rock

Part one was about the Gothic little town that bred in me an awareness of a darker side of things and the ability to experience the weird in the world. Which is maybe why I've had actual supernatural experiences over time. I'm only going to share some of the "lighter" experiences. There are some things that I just don't want to share. I personally hope there won't be a part 3.

And I want to be clear that, other than to watch occasional scary movies or paranormal tv shows, I don't seek this stuff out. I don't even read horror fiction. I don't go on ghost hunts, listen for EVPs/ electronic voice phenomenon, attend seances or psychics or play with a Ouija board. In fact, My husband had a Ouija board (didn't use it , just had it since as a teen) and after one experience I took it and threw it in the dumpster just to get any potential negativity out of the house. I 'm a firm believer in prayer for protection, telling the ghost / whatever to get the heck outta my house, and more prayer.

Cover Girl Ghost The first story started during a vacation as a teenager to Savannah, Ga with one of my friends and his fiance' -I was the chaperon. We stayed in an 18th century inns' 2 bedroom basement suite (the old slave quarters). Our ghost was a lady with style.

We never saw or heard a spirit , but we did see her makeup. That's right. A Cover Girl Mascara tube (with a small dent in it as if someone tried to take a bite out of it). It kept showing up in our suite-over and over again and in odd places. My friend first thought it was one of ours and put it in our bathroom. It wasn't ours, so we put it under the sink before we all left to go out for the evening. We came back and it was sitting on the bed. We moved it to the living room's fireplace mantle , and it showed up in the hallway on the floor after midnight. During that long weekend, doors opened, lights went on and off. I FOUND A HANGMAN'S NOOSE ABOUT 2 INCHES IN SIZE NAILED OUTSIDE OUR ROOM. I sort of thought my friends were maybe trying to create a little theatrical drama for me ( both theater majors).

When we left town they took the darn thing with us -the Covergirl mascara AND it's poltergeist owner. I wanted to throw it in the Savannah river, but my friends wanted to take it home. We are driving along the highway, it's night time, and I look back and notice a person on a motorcycle is right behind us on our bumper with his lights off. We speed up and pass cars. He speeds up and passes cars. We start to panic and scream and speed up more and he speeds up more. I throw the damn Covergirl out of the car window as we go flying away in to the night. We lost the guy! Whew! I considered consulting a priest.

Months later, I get a call from one of the friends. Cover girl mascara tube with the same specific dent showed up in her house. She panicked. She and her mother went to a river bridge and threw it in the river. Ok.

Weeks later, I'm getting in my car to go to work. I always left my multicolored work hat (Hardees) on the front seat and when I reached for it...there it was. Dented Cover Girl Mascara with river silt dried on it. Oh, I live about 80 miles from my friend who threw it in the river. I panic. I take it to a friend to keep in a safe place over night . I consider consulting a priest again. I take it to an incinerator the next day . Terrible thunder and lightning storm that night.

I still have always wondered if it was somehow a prank played by my friends. But I cringe when I slide my hand under a pillow at night. What if? And I never look at Cover Girl Mascara at a store without remembering the sheer horror and panic we felt at times on that trip.............


Nurse Stories
As a nurse of over 25 years, I can honestly say I've never knowingly experienced a ghost when I worked in the hospital. But I have been present and cared for many people when they died. I've always felt it is an honor and almost a "special detail " I'd been assigned from heaven to be with a person as they die, especially when that person is alone with no one at their bedside. This may all sound eerie , but it' a spiritual thing to me and it's something that health care professionals go through sometimes every day . It isn't easy either. I still remember faces and rooms and things those people said to me years later. And there are so many unusual things that happen too.

What I have noticed is the uncanny coincidences that occur. Certain hospital rooms, certain hours of the night, several people on one floor in one night. Or a person passes in the brief 1 hour break when their loved one walked to the cafeteria for food or went home to take a quick shower and change of clothes. The loved one hadn't left their side for days, but in that brief period the patient slips away. My own father passed this way. We nurses and doctors would shake our heads because we saw this time and time again and had to help the loved ones deal with their guilt. Or we would see the patients that perked up for a few hours or days and looked like they were on the mend but were not. Then there's the unexplained way the patients that hung on and waited and waited for that special someone to show up when clearly it was a miracle that they could still be living. It happens. It's made me appreciate life.

Now, many hospital's actually do have ghost stories. I've had patients tell me things they felt or believed. I've listened to coworkers tell their own stories and nurses with 50 years of experience tell me stories about half men floating in the elevator with no feet or screams heard from an old wing that had been on fire once. I haven't worked in a hospital setting for years, and usually only go to them in the worst of circumstances when a loved one is ill. I get the shivers sometimes when I smell the familiar hospital smells.

Family Stuff
My husband and I "lived in sin" before we were married 12 yrs ago, and our first apartment had a ghost. Weird things happened there-least of which the curtains and blinds moved in unnatural and actually impossible ways. One day , we were "playing" and chasing each other around the apartment and ducking around corners--nearly NAKED!--(younger then) and I saw / felt him hiding behind the living room wall. I could see his shadow moving quickly to hide from me behind the corner in to the living room. As I ran from the back bathroom and jumped out at him, the shadow disappeared as my husband called at me from across the room. !!!

On vacations, we have just happened to be a locations that have been classified as "haunted": a lighthouse or restaurant or pub. We never experience a thing nor do we want to. The places that specifically indicate they have no ghosts -say an old home we tour, my husband feels an overwhelming sense of sadness and I feel something warm touch me. We don't often visit cemeteries, but did once in Savannah because of the movie "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil". Someone / thing threw rocks at my husband...he had the sense it was a little boy. He ran...he doesn't often run.

And the more endearing experiences are with other family members who almost seem to want to say goodbye or "hey, I'm fine..see ya later". Once, we saw a gold lighting bug-like light flash and loop through our living room between us once. It was so fast and unlike anything we've ever seen. My husband's favorite aunt had died.

Months after my 19 year old, much-beloved but ill cat was put to sleep, both my husband and I were standing in the dining room talking and we both thought we saw her. It was a flash of her walking in to the kitchen as if to get a drink of water. That was such a comfort as I'd debated about putting her to sleep and was feeling a bit lonely and guilty. It was as if she said , "I'm gone now and both of you need to see me to believe me."

And I thought a lot about whether to share this, but I'll share a little of it with you because I know it would give my mom a giggle. It is a special thing to have a relationship with your loved one where you can talk openly about life and death and fears of death. You would thing we would all do it , but we don't.

My mother passed in the hospital from cancer years ago with my sister and myself present. Months before , she had wanted to plan her funeral and make sure the preparations were made, and I'd helped her with this. We had talked about death a lot and joked that we would try to contact each other "from the other side" with all the answers to the mysteries of the world. I was with her for a few minutes after she died and whispered something to her...she was almost completely deaf in life. I got an immediate response in the room. The nurse gave me a startled look and I shrugged and gave her the scientific explanation. But I knew what I'd whispered. Things happened in those next few days that seemed as if my mother was there with us watching and sometimes helping us along . I have no doubt she was pleased with our preparations and was trying to help out on her side of things. I've since had good dreams where we've talked and laughed and she's told me to take care of myself and go to the doctor...no secrets from beyond .

That's when I started my weight loss journey.

Thanks, Mama.

Southern Ghost Tales: Part One

I'm not sure how people really feel about ghost stories but since there are so many ghost story / paranormal shows on tv now I'm guessing it's become something of the norm. Last night , my sweetie and I had a date at Stone Mountain park at the Tour of Southern Ghosts-a walking tour of a recreated plantation setting (that was Featured on the GhostHunters tv show Wed night and will be on again on Halloween night). Period costumed and lattern-lit storytellers told old-time southern ghost stories and it was fun and appropriately a little creepy in the dark and under the trees amongst 100+ year old buildings. Didn't see any "real" ghost......as far as I know.

But I do have a history of experiencing ghosts or just other worldly weirdness. Maybe it's being from an old southern town with a past full of drama. Napoleon's French Huguenot expatriates, Indians, European settlers, Slavery : my little southern town had it all. Part Mayberry and Part Stephen King-like Gothic village, you could be fooled by the town square, the Sonic and Walmart, or the little league games. But that would be a mistake.

This was a dark and eerie little place where nothing seemed to happen and yet lots of stuff was going down. When I watch these paranormal shows, they talk about the right environment for paranormal activity. Yep, my hometown: a dramatic , oppressive past---isolation--rivers--limestone. And our parents , our teachers, our grandparents -everyone it seems told ghost stories . Ghost stories about the houses and the streets , the rivers, the people we lived with.

Just to gloss over some of the weirdness, is to tell you about some of the houses. Streets in small towns like this are often lined with Victorian or antebellum homes. This town had both, plus some larger old plantation homes for tours. As teens we would drive around in the country side and find some of these old mansions -classic 'haunted house' looking and isolated, slowly disintegrating in to the ground or used for hay storage. 19th century family graves left abandoned.

One of these houses right downtown was inhabited for years by a pair of hermit brothers who lived in one tiny room and supposedly never cut their hair or nails. It was a creep fest just walking by that place but kids " rang and run" too see what the could see. In later years my mother who was fascinated by history and houses befriended one of these brothers and was given a tour of the house including the attic which was full of toys and items dating back to the 19th century. The truth was there was one brother that had some mental issues and it was easier to heat and cool that one room than a whole antebellum home. As a home health nurse I once took care of a couple just like this. Giant and ancient house and they lived in one room together that was packed floor to 15 foot ceiling with art and junk and newspapers. Sweet couple. Creepy house.

But back to my Gothic hometown. There were stories about insane family members kept locked in rooms or chained to trees. The houses that were used as morgues when riverboats sank. The lights of the ghost boats seen on the river. It was not uncommon to have a parent or older sibling drive us around in the country or down to the river or past the old haunted mansions to build the apprehension and to see if we could see some of these oddities. The truth was there really WERE people locked in rooms and chained to trees because it really did happen (and as a home health nurse I later found that it still does.) That still freaks me out. Now you can call Department of family and children's services but in the 1960's and 70's it was how people dealt.

The oldest cemetery was so creepy it was featured in a horror film once. My husband visited with my mother and me in the early days of our courtship and was uncomfortable there. He said he felt so much unrest there. I had aunts and uncles buried there and didn't want to hear that. He didn't believe me when I told him about the time we had a flood that washed away some of the oldest graves and later these coffins washed ashore. When I was a child the local mortuary put one of these coffins and it's inhabitant on display for viewing presumably to see if people recognized anything. It was a hundred year old coffin with a clothed skeleton. Who is gonna recognize anything? People , including my parents with us kids, showed up to walk by and peer in . I cried afterward. It's hard to believe this happened and yet there are proudly framed photos of the event on the mortuary's walls today.

As a nurse I can look back and see that women running naked through the street or teenage girls tripping on drugs and standing in a cave was just "normal " abnormal behavior. It happens. There are diagnoses for these things. Suicide. suicide-murders, tragic accidents, serial rapists all happen anywhere. It's when you put together the volume in this one little town in that short period of my life and all within a few streets of each other that the ick factor rises. And we kids thought it was normal. I recall watching Gilligan's' Island at a friends house and hearing gunshot. Murder next door of one family member to another. The neighborhood gang-a tribe of us tweens on bikes followed the ambulance and cops down the street. Not something you see every day ....anyday...

Remember Dark Shadows the ABC afternoon soap opera about a 175 year old vampire in a New England town? We all watched it. Our town movie theater was run by this guy's twin. Not kidding. I cringe at remembering calling him "Barnabas" after the character in that show. stupid/mean kids.


And some of the weirdness followed me to college. In nursing school you rotate through different clinical settings to learn the different aspects of nursing. Psych rotation was a nightmare. First , I had to visit the 100+ year old mental hospital that still had pits for the severely insane (not in use but for historical tours), chains on walls. Just an eerie , freaky place and filled with people that were damaged and in pain. Some cursed you as if you -little 19 yr old nursing student caused it all. I was so panicked the first day after some of the things I saw, that I hopped in my car to speed off but then my door falls off my car. Whose door falls off their car? I fitted that thing back on / locked the door/ climbed in on the other side and took off. Then as a more seasoned nursing student on the VA locked unit psych ward I picked a kindly , elderly Santa Claus of a guy to do a project on. I later learned he'd stabbed several of his family members. At that point probably was when another patient stabbed someone else in group and we nursing students were shepherded out past another guy getting shock treatments.

I was not cut out to be a psych nurse.

boo, ya'll

Self Care: Basket Case and a Cup of Tea

Lately, I'd dipped in to a bit of depression and a little illness and with that came the using of food for comfort. But it doesn't really comfort in the long run-actually the reverse after the first few nibbles or bites. It becomes empty and then another source of worry and guilt and anxiety. These days , thankfully, I recognize this a bit quicker.

When I say I journal and plan about things, I'm sometimes desperately seeking self reflection, guidance, comfort, and hope. I do a little exercise where I think about all the "things in my basket" that are worrying me. It helps me to figure things out and come to a kind of peace when I realize what I can and can't control.

Usually, there isn't much I can control. I just have to ride it through, but I can pray about it and ask for help. The process of the journaling lets me mentally shake that basket and see what settles to the bottom or rises to the top. The exercise is supposed to be that you are packing the basket and then attaching a balloon to it and letting it float away. I don't need the balloon....just need to recognize that it's time to pull the basket off the shelf and name what is bothering me and what isn't. Then the dealing with it starts to happen. When I go back to examine the basket in a few days sometimes those things are no longer a worry or are not as big a deal. (It also helps to recognize and have gratitude for what isn't in that basket of worries.)

My Basket
I can't control that a friend is dying , but I can visit and pray.
I can recognize that my company may be heading for more major changes and it might affect my job, but I can't do anything but do my best.
I can worry about the clutter in my house or I can sort through a box or a corner and toss some more stuff in the Goodwill box.
I can go to the doctor, explain my symptoms, ask for help, and follow their advice.


Food/Weight-Wise......I would say I'm getting back on track food-wise. Despite a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers in one sitting this weekend and pizza and a donut and whatever else I've eaten, my weight ( at the doctor) is right where it was before I fell off the wagon. I'll tell myself ( because it might be true) that the weight maintenance or lack of gain isn't muscle loss from not weight training for a couple of weeks. But it is time to pick up my free weights at home and keep those muscles pumped and do what I can at the gym. I'm back to planning, healthy choices, weighing and measuring, saying no when I should and yes when I should, loosening the reins on my strict dieter / self critical selves ..etc etc etc.

I haven't joined any challenges lately because I either didn't want to commit to the time or I didn't want to focus on weight loss. The numbers on the scale have had too much power in setting my mood. That scale seems quite comfy between 227 and 220..back and forth..back and forth. Weight loss will come if I'm talking the talk and walking the walk. When you are diabetic and having pain and illness your calorie needs/ usage are out of whack anyway.

But I want to set goals because that helps me to have something to keep me grounded and to keep me on the right track....And it's another thing to recognize as self care. I'll keep posting about it as I go along.

So my goals for now / maybe for the rest of the year are pretty basic:

1. Make an effort to plan and do Self Care other than with food.

2. Keep moving.

3. Avoid Trigger places or things when I'm having issues-- this may mean planning in a treat at a trigger place but not impulse buying. It might also mean avoiding magazines with food pictures and recipes or blogs with yummy food descrips or The Food network.


So my big self care effort this week is with yummy teas. 0 calories, lots of flavor, comfort in a warm cup of spiced tea. After a recent search of quite a few stores, I remembered that a Kroger farther away from my house had the Christmas teas out early last year so I went there. Bingo: Candy Cane Lane and Autumn spiced tea ( got the last box ) and apple cider. I'd seen the pumpkin spiced tea last year but didn't get it the first time I saw it and it was gone when I went back and I never found it again. Saves calories compared to the pumpkin spice lattes. When I'm low on calories for the day I'll have a cuppa tea.





This is really good with a piece of lemon or orange and brown sugar splenda mixed in. I think I'll fix a cup right now.

Hey ya'll

Just wanted to say Hey. Still here. Still poking along and having trouble making decisions but this is improving. Didn't go to reunion and didn't give it a second thought. Didn't go to movie. Didn't go to country living fair. Did get the Jackie Warner book. Did some reading , no computers on Sunday at all, some tv watching, napping, and cooking and cleaning and loving on my animals.

I'm not back in the place I want to be in around food and losing weight versus even maintaining. A lot of extra calories were eaten and there may be more. But I'm journaling about what's going on and working on it. Scale? please..ain't going near that stinking thing.

One thing is I've been having physical pain and have symptoms going on that have been attributed to perimenopause ( and a Uti 2 weeks ago) that are continuing and having episodes of getting worse. If I were not a nurse I probably would have gone to the hospital already. Nurses make bad patients. If I'd had one additional symptom or another I would definitely have gone to the ER.

However, the last 2 days the symptoms are enough of a concern that I have a doc appt tomorrow. I can't decide if this is Gyn, GI, or Urology related: lower back / lower pelvic/belly / even groin pain...... In a way it's all of the above . Nurse-me has all kinds of theories..but enough is enough. It puts a damper on my usual lifestyle to be hurting and stressed out and fearful. Endometriosis and Ovarian cancer are in my immediate family history. And I really hate going to the doctor because I fear the worse and they dismiss it all.

Whine............I'm not getting my dopamine rushes from exercise to help with the depression and overall feel good feelings exercise gives me because I can't exercise as intensely as normal or at all some days. My heating pad is my bestus friend. Then again maybe it's all depression because my Prozac refill was delayed. I'm working on getting those levels back up.

Nah ..we're having some pain here for sure.

On a brighter note...my favorite halloween special is on thursday and friday night.

guess which one?.....I'm right there with ya , Linus. ...maybe he will come this year? ........

Outta Focus......that ol' Mojo stuff again

I'm a bit out of focus. Things are out of balance and I'm looking in the mirror, metaphorically, and seeing that I've lost my way a bit. I know this because I can't make decisions. I'm waffling on making up my mind about a lot of things. I can't decide how I want to spend my time, what I want to do , and I beat up myself on what I should do versus what I want to do. Oh yeah, I ran out of my antidepressant meds and had to wean down the dose until the prescription came in . This may be why I'm out of focus. When I'm depressed and my brain chemistry is off I can't make decisions and waffle and whine.


I've freely admitted I'm a clutter bug. Keeping a neat and orderly house isn't part of my make up. My mother was an ocd house cleaner Tues she washed whites, Wed she did darks, Thurs she did towels, etc etc. I didn't have a normal kid's bedroom with junk and toys everywhere. I've rebounded in my adult life. It's out of control. I won't even watch Hoarders because it might feel too familiar.

I talked to my husband and asked for him to give me a little direction. He did. His advice about the house is "pick a small corner and just do that". I did, I feel like I climbed a mountain. I asked him what he thinks I need to do because I'm finding it hard to reign in the carb/ sugar monster and be motivated to restrict my calories. He thinks the super structured route is the best for me. I did a diet once that was mostly veggies, brown rice, nuts, oils and did pretty well on that (nutritionist suggested many years ago) and he always thinks that worked for me.

The weight loss thing. I can maintain at 1600 to 2000 cal a day . To lose it takes 1300 to 1400 cal a day and all of this is with my 6-7 hr of exercise a week. It's hard for me to stick to 1300 and 1400 cal. My therapist had suggested maybe to put off "being in weight loss mode" and be in " maintenance mode" until I'm super committed again . Let's face it..I've been in maintenance mode for a while.. I know how to do maintenance. I' m thinking about it .......any thoughts?

This Saturday is supposed to be my 30yr high school reunion..not just a high school reunion, I'm from a small town and most of these people I went to school with from kinder garden. The thing is , Our class isn't putting on a reunion. They just couldn't get it together. Several folks from my class are going to the reunion of the class of 78. It's a 5 hr drive one way and I just don't feel like doing that . I told a coworker I just really want to be a fly on the wall..see who is doing what , who died, etc ..just be a fly on a wall. I hate small talk and party atmospheres. I was the fat , shy girl and it would be kind of weird..i'm not and yet I am that same girl. ..My husband can't go and I'd decided not to go and now I'm thinking I should go...ARRGH!.......... any thoughts?

Tomorrow is the Country Living Magazine Fair here in Atlanta and I'm thinking about going . But what puts me off is the treats that might be there and the fact that I don't need to bring anything else in to my house..So why go?..But I LOVE that magazine and I've always wished I could go to one and this is the first one in Atlanta....Then there's the movies I want to see..but which one..And there's so much TO DO! and so much I want to do!..And a friend wants me to go to another fall festival Saturday , but I don't really want to do that and I hate turning her down.........ARRRRRGH!

So there's a big blurt out of what's going on with the Pj geek. I'm heading to see my therapist , gonna go to Barnes and Nobles and maybe buy Jackie Warners book and sit in the cafe and journal a bit. I'll check in with you when I pull it back in focus. I will allow myself a pumpkin treat and coffee at the cafe , maybe.

Trip to the North Georgia Mountains ( with detours and weirdness)_

****Just figured out after I took these photos that there was a big glob on my camera lens that makes it look like a ghostly figure in some of the photos. Just a point and shoot girl here. ****

My friend Lanny and I took a day trip to the North Georgia Mountains on Saturday which kinda took forever because there were many detours and much weirdness.

No great panoramic mountain color scenes so no photos of that..the little maple trees in our Kroger parking lot have as much or more color.


****
The day starts with breakfast at Cracker Barrel, the fire place is one of my favorite things when it's actually cold enough for a fire--yes, I'm that goon that takes pictures of the fireplace at CB.









.... a detour to Trader Joes which just happened to be on the way. We witnessed a fight at the checkout counter. This is an "upscale" area with multi million $ homes but the executive wife/soccer mom's were fighting over places in line. Kinda ridiculous. My friend and I tease each other all the time , so we first thought they were joking. Uh.....no. Stepford wives rumble!









An unusual stop at Belks- More Stepford wife mayhem. One of the ladies wanted the check out person to give change from a credit card purchase. ? I bought a new bra and changed in to it for the rest of the day and my friend bought a new shirt which she wore for the rest of the day. We just didn't have it together when we left our houses , I guess.


........then traffic, stop and go --this took FOREVER which is why it rated a photo.....we also wanted to stop at a liquor store but we put this on hold because we were ready to get to the fun..we later did stop at one and a strange man was dancing in the liquor store .


Fall Fun stop#1 Uncle Shuck's Corn maze: corn maze/pumpkin patch/hayride--ok the hayride wasn't exactly a full on Hayride..we did skirt the edge of half of the corn maze and straight back ..a whole 5 minutes. And , I got to sit behind the driver and watch him spit snuff...he hee heee.


L

Lanny and I just walk through the maze and laugh at made " Children of the Corn " references. When we get close to being tired, we try to head back and follow people that look semi-with the program. Most people go through the maze to get to certain check points to get a card punched that they can enter in to a drawing for cash. We didn't find one checkpoint. hmmmmmmmmm...but we had fun. I got a sunburn.








..then 'saved by the Pig' we were starving, having only eaten corn on the cob and a few pieces of candy corn since breakfast...On to a real southern bbq place..mmmmmmm....interesting car and a hillside behind covered with little pig signs (like a pig graveyard?).







Finally, on to apple orchard place but at this point I'm too tired for more photos. Apples , apple everywhere. Lots of temptation. I would like to say I didn't buy a couple of the fried apple pies but I did. I did throw away one that was for my husband that he didn't eat. Just too much temptation. ..and plenty of stuff I did not buy.

In all we laughed and laughed and had fun. We just let the day unfold with all it's weirdness. This weekend I'm staying closer to home and will probably catch a movie.
*****

I've reached saturation point in facing the baked goods and treats and dealing with temptations. I microwave "baked" a bunch of apples with apple pie spice, lemon juice, and a little healthy smart margarine. That, with crispy apples sliced up will be my treats for the coming days. The candy corn is gone. I'm freezing the little loaf of applesauce bread and TJ's bran muffins I bought for later. Tj's had pumpkin bread mix and I bought a couple of boxes but they are -on hold. I guess I feel I've had my treats and now it's not a treat as much as becoming a regular thing. Which would be ok as long as I'm fitting in to my calorie budget, but I'm not. So I'll reign it in for a while. That's safer.

I'm anxious about a lot of different things and the anxiety and fear leads to food obsessing and indulgences after indulgences. My husband is out of town for a few days and that triggers that part of me that would sneak food as a kid. I'm trying real hard not to do that.

So back to the basics. Which is what I seem to do after every weekend.
Journal, Blog, Plan, Journal, Exercise.....and continue to plan some more.

Late Friday Night Fly By

Sleepy. Booty hurts from weight training class where I looked in the mirror and realized how Baggy -assed my shorts were. Another item for Goodwill, perhaps?

Visited friend in Hospice--not what I expected. Lots of laughter and hallucinations and mutual fun. She loves Pumpkin cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory( which they didn't have when we had our meal there in September ) but they do have it in fall at Barnes and Nobles so I picked some up and a bunch of spoons. She took a few bites..score! I've promised to bring back Apple bread from the mountains..for her , not for me....that would be BAD news.

The good part of living in Atlanta is we can drive an hour or so to the mountains where we can visit apple orchards and winery's and Helen- weird German like / doll house village that runs an Octoberfest and is also known for cabins with heart-shaped hot tubs. I just heard about a town in North Georgia that has fairys and blue fireflys...hmmmmm....no comment.

So I'm heading up with a buddy for mountain / fall fun..I'm just looking forward to cooler air, maybe a few different shades of color in the leaves, pumpkins, a saucy scarecrow, a corn maze , and a petting zoo.

Have a good fall weekend, y'all

Random dream stuff

Dealing with the joys of having a urinary tract infection ..lovely.

Work just saps my energy right now and I'm too sore to work out. I start out in the morning with plans to do this or that and then end up exhausted. So today I treated myself to an afternoon lie down on the quilt in the back yard for a little cloud watching and reading. Restored, I managed to wash dishes and slammed together an awesome little squash casserole to go with my left over turkey picadillo and baked apples. A cup of cracker jacks (measured)for dessert.

Preparing now to watch "the Ghost show" AKA "Ghost Hunters" on Scyfy which is relatively tame and sure to get me half asleep.

I'm having psychic dreams. My mom had them , but I've never had them until now. My husband is sick with a bad sinus cold and is too grumpy and impatient to hear my dreams right now...or listen to me complain about my aches and pains. I feel I have to share.

My coworker with cancer is slowly slipping away. I dreamed that she called me on the phone Monday night-I could hear her say my name so clearly-I think it woke me up. Tuesday night I dreamed that I (probably I represent her in the dream ) was trying to live life the old way and ignore the illness and tried to show up for work. But the reality was that I (she) was too sick. My boss at work suggested I agree to Hospice, and I refused because I wanted to still try treatment and wasn't ready yet. (This is in tandem with where my friend has been in real life. ) I just wanted to get taken care of and asked for them to take me to the emergency room where people ignored me and talked about me as if I were already dead..? a ghost. Someone said I had the 'hospitality benefit' and could have a casket in the room when my family came to visit. !!!!

I woke up at this point..somewhat disturbed and anxious now ..one of many times last night due to the bladder infection. Thankfully my dog snuggled with me at this point which lulled me back to sleep.

Upon going back to sleep, I kind of continued the dream and I realized I was doing this while I was doing it. ( I'm a lucid dreamer and sometimes I become aware of the dream and think about the dream while I'm having it.) The last part of the dream seems to be an acceptance of Hospice ( but it wasn't that clear actually) and seeing different directions I can walk in at this place...a wall of windows looking out at trees with a garden patio with trellises, or towards a stairway that leads down to an underground tunnel that had kind of scary / hell -like undertones (!!yikes!!?) and various hallways slanting upward like white tunnels (heaven?). The nursing assistant that was helping me bathe was so sweet to me and so familiar and had a purple velour gown for me to wear that someone borrowed leaving me with a grey velour gown...not as comfy. ( today I realized it was my real life doctor's nursing assistant.). Here's freaky-- there were bowling balls being shot out of a wall near the ceiling. I'm not making this up. It's a dream ok?

Here's where my true self kicks in- I thought while I was dreaming : " Great I can go for walks and get my exercise in walking these hallways and dodging the balls" . The dream goes on but it would take a long time to explain and the symbolism would take forever. It was very vivid.
End of dream.

Today I learned that my coworker was approached about Hospice Tuesday night and agreed to it this morning and should have transferred to a hospice this afternoon.

Do other people dream this way? Maybe it was the drugs I'm on. I try to journal my dreams before I forget them when they seem to be important. I journal my recurrent dreams and over time these recurrent dreams change and adapt as I change and adapt. My therapist loves to hear my dreams , so therapy this week should be interesting.

Balance me

Elephant doing a yoga pose...on a beach ball, by golly.

That elephant is doing a better job with balance than the ol Pj Geek here has lately. (That is, if it is a real photo--I googled it..I don't think it's real....... is it? is it real?)

Anyway, SEE! See the ADD of my mind? That is how I get off track. That's why my old posts talk about focus so much. I get off track, out to lunch, way off point, off the mark, off, just plain off sometimes. And I don't know why.

Then there is the stillness of a moment and silence. Prayer, which I've done more praying today than I have in a long time for others and for me as well. Lying on a quilt in the back yard half under a tree and half in the blazing sun on my lunch break today. Doing great, totally centered at that time, food wise-perfecto. In balance. Stretching , basic yoga, prayer.

So what's the problem?

Tonight, I fixed a healthy dinner of lean turkey, fresh veggies, spices , mixed up in to a Cuban inspired concoction called Turkey Picadillo that was darn good with sugar free cherry jello/ pecans/mandarin oranges that tasted like Christmas. And then I blew it- a Gnu bar, a handful of cracker jacks, 2 Fig newtons, a decaf coffee. I wasn't even hungry. I just wanted to chew carby sweetness. Healthy -sorta, but 360 calories I didn't need today. I'm really not beating myself up , just trying to figure it out and shed some light on how all this stuff works.

This last weekend was fairly well planned but slid downhill real fast. I don't need to go in to the details, but it wasn't pretty from about mid Saturday on. The Farmer's market is gonna have to be off limits for me a little while. It threw me over. Three words =Pumpkin baked goods. Then a little of this , more of that, screw this , screw that...hmpph...hate it when this happens. Today was my FIX IT day. But like I said, Pandora's box got opened along the way somewhere. I know that Autumn, My birthday, treats , eating out etc etc etc ..threw me off course.

ARGH!

I don't want that-being off course . Out of balance. I want better. I want more. I want health. I don't want to over do it. I don't want to stop caring just a little bit. I don't want to over restrict and rebound. I don't want to over indulge and rebound. I want balance.


I've been reading some other bloggers who are going along quite well but then have these little slip ups and how they deal. That photo of Karla burning her Vitatops comes to mind. Bitchcakes putting a hold on the Gnu/ lara bar goodness for a short while. For some folks it's no sugar or flour but awesome treats and for others it's baking healthy recipes and for others it's a lot of this and a little of that. So back to to find what works for this blogger. I have a feeling it's going to start being one thing and evolve in to another.


How to fix it? for me. ....some are tried and true
1. journal
2. blog
3. plan
4. journal some more
5. keep an eye on hunger levels, reasons for eating, fullness after eating---in other words journal.
6. Avoid Starbucks, Panera, Dunkin Donuts , and the Farmer's Market at least for a week or two --the Farmer's market has too many people selling too many good wholesome baked treats. Avoid any place or person that is gonna trigger that " I wanna and gonna havea" Going to be tough, that one, husband is #1 on the list.
7. Have a variety of colorful, delicious foods of all varieties. Make sure to have oatmeal, sweet potatoes, an occasional vitamuffin, sugarfree chocolate, hot chocolate, whatever floats your boat ..planned out/ measured out/ enjoyed and eaten mindfully
8. Have fun exercising and don't exercise if I'm hurting or tired
9. Take care of me: water with lemon, hot tea, yoga, sleep , reading, epsom salt soaks, paint my nails, keep donating to the Goodwill, cheesey reality tv, buy another pumpkin ..whatever....but not 'feed the food addict' behavior
10. Keep a gratitude list
11. Do one little organize / clean up thing each day

12. Lay on the quilt that my great- grandmother made in the back yard and just be.

Versatile Blogger Award

Thanks very much to Becky from http://mywalkfromflabtofab.blogspot.com/ and some time back I got this award but never posted it from Shannon at The Me Within



So the rules of this little award:
1. Thank the person who gave me the award. done
2. Share seven things about myself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
( !!!!!Ok that's a lot, I'll do a third of that -I'm a rule breaker--IT's MY BLOG but to my nominees-do what you wish)
4. Let my nominees know about their award.

--Annie at http://my30by30plan.blogspot.com/
--Shelley at http://shellibelly.com/
--Christina at http://nevertheskinnygirl.blogspot.com/
-- Debbie at http://weightogo-diaryofafatchick.blogspot.com/
--Lindsay at http://www.pancakesnpajamas.com/ because she LOVES PUMPKIN
--She at Sixty is good...I love her wit. http://slimsexysassysixty.blogspot.com/

*************************************************************

THE VERSATILE BLOGGER


I copied this definition of versatile from Shannon's blog.
1. Capable of doing many things competently.
2. Having varied uses or serving many functions
3. Variable or inconstant; changeable: a versatile temperament.
4. Capable of moving freely in all directions

I have a wacky and weird history as I'm sure we all do. This made me think of some unusual incidences in my life where I've had to fulfill the definition of Versatile. So I thought it would be fun to share the weirdness / versatility's.

Some are long but the stories are unique.
I will not just tell you my favorite color.

1. My husband and I "lived in sin" before we were married 12 yrs ago, and our apartment had a ghost. Weird things happened there-least of which the curtains and blinds moved in unnatural and actually impossible ways. One day , we were "playing" and chasing each other around the apartment and ducking around corners--nearly NAKED!--(younger then) and I saw / felt him hiding behind the living room wall. I could see his shadow moving quickly to hide from me behind the corner in to the living room. As I ran from the back bathroom and jumped out at him, the shadow disappeared as my husband called at me from across the room. !!!





Other things too, but I'll have to tell some ghost stories on the blog later on .


2. Back in the 1980's I saw a play on Broadway about Vietnam that starred Matt Dillon and ( rob morrow, andrew mccarthy, ving rhames, wesley snipes, grant show=the play bombed, but what a cast!. ) In one scene the guys are out running around the theater like in a battle. I was sitting on the end, in a front row aisle seat because I was alone. Matt Dillon tripped / stomped on my foot and then briefly (and I'm sure unconsciously,) dropped out of character to touch me and say 'I'm sorry.' The girls behind me were so excited they started giggling and patting me on the back.




3. Lucy and Ethel Moment: I locked myself out of my apartment once and couldn't locate my landlord and stopped by a neighbors apartment to see if she could help and to use her phone (this was pre-cell phone days). Turns out she was a drug dealer and was weighing out and packaging cocaine, but she happily invited me in. She had an Elvis decorated kitchen and so I ooh and ahhed about that while I had a freak out.



I exited empty handed though she offered me a freebie. I circled the building and pondered what to do. I had burglar bars on my windows and had left my window cracked. I could see my keys on the bookcase and I found a tree branch that would reach. I chewed several pieces of gum, stuck the gum on the end of the branch, stuck the branch in the window, and got my keys. My cat just sat there and watched the whole thing. I love Lucy




4. Former Library Geek. I started working in the school library in 5th grade and managed to work in every library in every school I went to. In college, I checked out books, learned to repair / bind books , restacked books and ran the magazine room once a week. I'd get lost looking at vintage magazines and Sears Catalogs up in the stacks. I shoulda been a librarian.



5. I've always wanted to be published in a magazine, and I was several years ago in Real Simple in the section where Readers offer suggestions to the monthly question.

( not my issue)


6. I peed my pants on the first roller coaster ride I took- The Scream machine at Six Flags. I was probably 12 and the line was really long, it was very hot, and we were drinking Cokes (the Real Thing) in line . By the time I got on I had to go really bad. The scream machine has a first really steep hill and drop. I realized, sheepishly , that I didn't have to pee when I got off.




7. I was very busty and chubby when I played girls softball as a pre-teen. My bra strap broke while I was trying to run to 2nd base. Things started flopping about. I was so embarrassed. I hid in the car until someone could bring me a safety pin. Holster those puppies up.







HE HEE HEEE..I left out some of the( illegal) wacky things we did in high school and college that involved electric fences, breaking and entering, putting the high school up for sale........

Friday Fly By

*** note: sorry , bodily functions are mentioned.
"Pumpkin photo-- just because, still not finding any on the shelves--my little stockpile is starting to dwindle"

1. Tired this week. ( casino weekend does that to you ) . Falling asleep every night by 10, so to bed early, but up to pee all night.
2. Had my first real sho' nough 'more intense' exercise session last night--walked for 1 hour at a very fast pace. Lost 3 lbs over night..up to pee all night.
3. I'm totally ok with the little weight gain from the casino weekend / vip extravaganza--only 4 lbs up now ..better than I expected..but then again, up to pee all night.
4. Exercise is back in gear--at least 1-2 hours planned for each day this weekend and I'm looking forward to it. I like these classes and always have fun, but I'll be ok with missing one if I need to. Zumba and Body Pump tonight. Part of Body Combat and all of Body Flow tomorrow. Zumba on Sunday. Dog walks thrown in there too.
5. My weekend plans are breakfast at the diner on Saturday, Farmer's market, exercise, watch tv while I do laundry and computer stuff and other things. Cook Sunday night after Zumba. Grocery shopping is thrown in here somewhere. Just chillin is thrown in too.
6. off to make my oatmeal / pumpkin protein pancake for breakfast and on with the day...work work work

My So-called Vip Life!

OR, back to reality.

Birthday festivities are over! I'm solidly 48 yrs old. No more celebration and restaurants for me for a while and that is just fine with me.

Funny thing happened the day before I left to go on vacation with my sister and aunt on our casino vacation- I lost my journal-food and feelings journal. Now I know that doesn't get me off the hook, but it was symbolic. Here I was at a solid 220 lbs (still trying to get to 219 for the first time in 4-ever) and I'm going out of town and getting out of my structured routines and weighing and measuring food. And I can't find my touchstone to reality, my journey for the last month, my progress notes, things that would anchor me in reality. And I'm going to the land of VIP treatment (due to my aunt's luck and proximity to the casinos).

The good , the bad and the ugly of it.
The good: I took my low carb treats and had those at various times. I halved some of my entrees and just didn't eat half or took it to the room.
The bad: Cracker Barrel was visited a couple of times and even though I tried and did plan out meals--it's a turkey shoot when you go to cracker barrel ..it all is good / bad in it's own way.
The ugly: Vip room where drinks are strong and free, and cheese / crackers/mini sandwiches / fresh baked cookies abound. Free meal comps and there was a Kobe burger with ....other contraband items and .......cake eaten.

What I learned about me and this Vip treatment.
- I quickly learned that I can't handle it when plates of goodies are there for the taking.
- I don't like to drink as much as my sister and aunt , so I spent less time in the Vip room or drank coffee.
- I'm a sucker for Gouda cheese and Captains wafer crackers and Cookies of any kind.
- I like Disaronno with pineapple juice. Amaretto flavored coffee creamers taste pretty similar.





- You can't take the spendthrift out of the girl. On Sunday , again in the vip room I saw the Sunday paper and all the coupons just lying there and I wanted those coupons ( this would not go over well in the vip room , so I resisted.)
--I took samples of all the Revolution tea flavors
- I don't see how people can drink 6 drinks and still walk upright and they are usually completely obnoxious at this point.
- I looked forward to getting back to my routine and pumpkin and cottage cheese snacks and fresh veggies and fruit
- My bodily functions don't work well with all this eating out.
- I watched 2 really good movies, read, napped a good bit --just can't deal with the casino air/smoke/attitude/folk too much.
--I won and lost but came home casino'd out and no richer excpt for the good family time

I will be gentle with myself and not weigh until the weekend. Started a new journal. Going to the gym tonight and plan to load up on farmers market veggies this weekend. Stirfry and soup to be cooked. Oh, and it's cooler and Autumn like in Atlanta--fuzzy socks and warm Pjs are on!

Just lil' ol me again.