Goodbye August .....So Long Summer

Javier Bardem from Eat Pray Love. ........ Duh...Just because.


August is almost officially done. Fine by me.

I looked back over my archives and there were many highs and lows. I made a lot of changes. I sort of restarted and reset and renewed my commitment many times, and then some. All of that , of course, following a little dip or blunder in progress. But it is all progress. Really.

Highs
--Lost and Found Mojo
--Overcame a lot of food obsessions and temptations and did not always cover up my emotions. Journaled it out.
--Came to a consensus with all my internal parts and modified my weight loss / food plan and that involves trusting myself and working through the kinks. This one is stickin.
--Saw a concert and visited a friend and an Extra large T shirt fits fine. A formerly 2 to 4 xl girl only .
--Saw Eat,Pray, Love and Inception at the theater.
--Invested in myself with my purchase of an Enell sports bra and a really good Dri tech workout top.
--Lots of good journaling and choices in general
--Completed the Just One Thing Consistently Challenge where my one thing was to look for something positive or that I was proud of or grateful for each day.
Oh and for August 30 Monday-glad that I recognized I don't have to push myself and go to the gym everyday. Was rewarded by Butterfly kisses while I walked and rode my bike. My neighborhood is full of butterflies and blooming gardenia bushes. just heavenly.
August 31--Grateful this month is over, cooler and less humid mornings, prayers while watching the sun rise.

LOWs
--Husband's Work stress and the resulting discord for hubby
--All kinds of emotions and covering up of emotions with food or at least thinking about covering up emotions with food--which is obsessive and tiresome.
--Mojo went bye bye and had to be rebuilt
--Plumbing disaster ..thank God the repairs were the responsibility of the city

So here are a some of the things that got me through the last month or so. Distracted me in a good way. Nourished my soul and my body in a healthy way. Many of these are new in my life and I like em.

August reading materials Yella Kitty was not disturbed by the photo op.



Summer PJS! most will no longer fit next summer


Gourmet Jerky=50 cal a stick


Protein / crystal light yum in my Blender Bottle


The Fabulous Beekman BoysThis won't be everyone's cup of tea, but I love it. Watching the episodes over and over and reading the book and reading the Blog.

Welcome Autumn

Week 4 Just 1 Thing

Week 4 of the Just 1 Thing Consistency Challenge

Since August isn't officially over till tomorrow 11:59 pm I can't say this is the finale. But this was helpful in challenging me to look for positive things and to look and recognize gratitude. Thanks to Loretta for this challenge...What's next?
http://lorettasjourney.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-357-monthly-weighday-new-challenge.html


My CHALLENGE ( one of my ) is the mental / emotional aspect of the journey: keeping positive, recognizing my effort, recognizing progress in the little things, being mindful, staying balanced, staying hopeful, and trusting myself.

My 1 Thing: To find one thing at least each day that I am proud of, that I like about myself , that I see as being progress, that is a non scale victory, that shows me making an effort and if nothing else just something I am grateful for.



This was my week 4 running from Monday August 23 to Sunday August 29 and I'll tack on the end of August during my Sept 1 post

Monday August 23: This was one of those days where I was physically hungry ALL day long and I made good choices, mostly veg and fruit.

Tuesday August 24: I did a lot of Self care in the form of housework and journaling. I was food obsessed today because I was stressed over a lot of things. So journaling as a form of self care helped.

Wednesday August 25: I had a day off and avoided the lure of Whole food groceries with their devil raisin scones. I avoided a lot of food temptations and yet made a healthy , reasonable choice.

Thursday August 26 I was VERY angry today ..angry at my computer, my husband, my job, just angry. My therapist was taken aback at how much anger I had at Mr PJ. Then after therapy, mr pj and I walked at the park for about an hour with friends and I enjoyed myself , cooled off emotionally, we had fun joking while getting salads at the drive thru at Wendys. little did i know I was just pmsing.

Friday August 27: I was too tired to exercise and crampy and I wanted ice cream. My little food addict was out in full force. We had a little ice cream and a little talk. We reigned things in together and just acknowledged that I was having a bad night, and it wasn't safe for me to be out and about where chocolate existed.

Saturday August 28: (I didn't write this down on the day like I usually do--just figured it out) Food wise this was not fantastic though it wasn't horrible either . I went to Barnes and Noble and avoided the cafe and bought 2 books and a magazine with my nurses day gift card. Off day exercise wise and did Yoga and a dog walk, but I'm grateful that the yoga was so relaxing. Enjoyed the cooler weather under the oak trees today.

Sunday August 29: Thank you techno universe for Dvrs so I could record the Emmy awards and watch True blood and Mad Men, as usual. What is going to happen to Eric? visited my coworker with cancer and all went well.

The Big Easy

Television this weekend is inundated with sights and sounds of New Orleans -then and now as this is the 5th anniversary of Katrina. Katrina was a shocking time and seemed like the end of the world in some way. It broke my heart.

I lived in New Orleans for a short time years before Katrina when I was a traveling nurse and I loved it. I loved it. It will always hold a special place in my heart.

Architecture, coffee, coffee, river boats, cobblestone streets, music, fun, coffee.

It was a lonely time for me, because I didn't know anyone there. I'd just lived in Tucson where I had many friends and always something to do. In New Orleans, I commuted outside of the city to a little parrish hospital in the boonies in cajun country. My coworkers were afraid to go in to "the city". However, I spent ALL of my free time in New Orleans or driving around in the country looking for plantation houses and gators.





I didn't party on the Bourbon Street and in fact I only walked down it once. My New Orleans was friendly residents, music, old houses, falling in love with 32 ounce brownie flavored iced coffee and having heart arrythmias from drinking so much Coffee. I'll never forget getting nearly run over by Anne Rice in her Mercedes outside of a bookstore in the Garden District or throwing marshmallows at gators on a swamp tour. I enjoyed just walking around, gambling on the river boat casino, spending hours at the Cafe Du Monde drinking iced coffee and eating Beignets, ordering a frozen Daiquiri at a drive thru window to take home after work, sitting under Oak trees, walking through Audobon park and the zoo. And then just driving and looking at swamps. My mother and one of my friends visited me while I was there and they fell in love with My New Orleans too.

If you have never been, please support this city by visiting.
I can't wait to go back. It has been years. I only visit in movies now "The Big Easy" and " Love Song for Bobby Long".

What The Doctor Said....And the Low Carb / Low Sugar Fro Yo Tease

TEASE


I hadn't planned to post but Anne H at Carb Trippers post was an echo (with pictures) of what the doc said , so I 'll take it as a sign. Spread the wisdom.

Off day today. Had to get my annual eye check up and see a new pulmonologist. I have sleep apnea (still after losing 120 lbs... though the pressure on my machine is lower) and have to see the pulmonologist at least once a year so they'll write the orders for my cpap equipment supplies. I live in suburbia where there are plenty of ghost-town / half-built subdivisions and restaurants closing left and right. To see this doc involved driving IN to ATLANTA where things are cool , hip , happening.

I keep reading about FROYO: especially sugar free and low carb frozen yogurt ( doesn't exist in my burbs.) But all things exist in hip , happening Atlanta. I searched the web and found a new froyo place near the docs' office, plans were for sugar free AND low carb. Since it's quite a drive from the boonies to town, I knew it wouldn't be a regular thing that I would get hooked on. I allowed myself to get excited. Pulled up. The place is still being put together and hasn't opened yet. No fro yo.

I later got a junior sundae at Sonic for 160 calories (carbs and sugar , but also not gonna be a regular thing and all I ate was tasty tuna salad for lunch from a visit to my favorite old healthfood store).

SO WHAT DID THE DOC SAY?

First, the weigh in. I weighed 225 this morning at home 'naked before coffee....'
At the doc office, after coffee and breakfast and with clothes and shoes on : 226.
HMMMMM..me likeee that scale. wanna take home.

Med history questions. Thanks to getting myself to 345 lbs, I take blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds, diabetes meds, and an assortment of supplement / vitamins. ... ...and don't forget the Prozac either. After watching how many seasons of the Biggest Loser and how Doc H gets them off their meds in like no time, I always thought I'd get to come off my meds too. So after losing 100 lbs I'd met with my regular MD and we dropped one of my diabetes meds. That was it. Even though my Bp and cholesterol levels are stellar..it's safer for me to be on than off. I'm 47 and my Dad died at 51 from severe heart disease.

So when someone asks me if I have high blood pressure or high cholesterol I don't really think I do. I mean my bp was 110/64. perfecto.

So after we stumble over this subject, we talk about my breathing, the cpap and my weight loss. He looked back and I'd lost 10 lbs since my last visit which I think was in December.

Here are his words paraphrased --nearly exactly.."You must lose it slow..slow , slow . The body can't handle all the changes you put it through when you are dieting and exercising. It takes time for all the changes to take place and for the body to adjust..if it is to be a permanent change. Slow is better. 10-12 lbs a year is ok. It will be permanent if you do it that way. Don't over restrict . Don't be too rigid. I see people who only think of the goal of losing the weight, they get to the number , and then they are like "that's it" and eat all the stuff they deprive themselves of and gain it all back. Do it slow." He suggests that I shoot for losing just another 50-70 lbs which would be around 175 just for my diabetes sake. I was surprised --a doctor who did not suggest that at 5'2 I should be 120 lbs. My skin would be like a train on a wedding dress following behind me if I weighed 120.

..(he also said--now, some may take offense) that he thinks for obese children (which I was ) parents are to blame..that they really have to watch and monitor and help their children to eat and exercise healthily and he sees now as a parent how really hard this is and how he has to really work at it with his kids.......(since I'm not a parent I won't comment here, but based on my own family history I somewhat agreed. I take responsibility for getting myself this way, but I needed help big time--therapy was what I needed and getting mental health was a stigma in the 60-70's.)

Eye appointment went well, by the way. No diabetes retinopathy.


So back to the lesson of the day .

I didn't take what he said as license to have a food party. The main message I got was slow is really ok, the body needs to adjust, the body can't rush it when trying to undergo a metamorphosis. I'm ok. doin' fine.

Not new info. Not like I didn't know this. But what I needed to hear. And then Anne's post..nailed it.

Universe speaks and It's my job to listen and respond (and not beat up on myself so much. )

A Day In The Life Of A Food Addict

Today was one of those days where I did everything the right way when it comes to dealing with food as a food addict. I logged my intake and my hunger scale. I planned my snacks and meals -and stuck to it..pretty much. Routine is stabilizing, but tiresome too sometimes. After the gym, a grocery store trip --we keep having milk go sour or milk jugs leaking. I only got the items on the list and didn't stand around a drool and mourn at the "Good stuff" that I never get.

But on this day I was full of anxiety--still the work situation with my husband and his emotional well being. My 30yr class reunion is supposed to be in October but it's like non info is coming out about it , so I would go but surely they would have posted about it now. And car issues and time off issues. My boss sends out an email that we have to have our holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years ) requests in on Friday . What?! It's August! right? I don't have a clue what I want to do 4 months from now. Plus, my husband keeps saying he doesn't know if he'll be employed then. It put me in a tailspin.


Here's the crappy part. I also was obsessed with food thoughts all afternoon while working. Didn't act on them, but had to deal with them. (I like to be super busy at work , so I don't have time for this crap. I took on extra work to 'keep busy' and now I'm trying to play catch up ..at nearly 11pm.)

Here's a small example of how my little food addict part works. I had a patient's name that looked like Saltines -as in crackers. I then obsessed on crackers and butter or crackers and tomato soup or cheese toast. MMM toast and butter. Peanut butter...etc..etc..it keeps rollin from there... Comfort food.


So, I journaled. And I journaled. I had a little talk with my inner child food addict. I was not physically hungry at all. I made a list (prioritized ) of what I was anxious about. I wrote a little letter to that inner child food addict and explained to her that I was taking care of things, I wasn't going to let things get out of control. I was on top of the stuff that bothered us. I would be the adult and address all of the issues. I was in charge..the adult and recovery I. I would work it all out..it may not be exactly what we want but then life is sometimes sweeter with surprises. I turned it over and said.."Ok God ..you take the lead now"

In the end I never caved. But, oh, what a hassle.

All I could think about was what am I trying not to feel? why am I obsessing? What don't I want to think about? duh! see above.

I think sometimes I'm so much "sicker" and afflicted than my fellow bloggers. And then I said ..'un unh, time out. You've accomplished a lot, you've changed a lot, you've lost alot of weight. You have no idea what's in the minds of others and you can't compare. We are all in this because of some sick thinking and working to get ourselves out.'

"Oh, But I'm just so screwed up."
" Well, you are an addict..it's just like booze
or heroin, but you have to eat some of it everyday and not over do it. "
And if you are trying to get off the extra pounds you have to eat less than you want to eat. It IS hard.

*sigh*


Then Jack Sh*t's blog today really spoke to me. The way I read it, he seems to feel pretty much the way I do. My feeling like I'm a real sickie, I toggle back and forth, and that I'll never get it is probably universal in this blog universe. We just don't all put it out there. Heck, I'd read blogs but didn't put myself out there for years too.
Jack basically said "get er done" already.

I'm off work on Wednesday: errands to run, annual eye appt / doc appts, bookstore time planned . Off days present challenges. But I have a plan. and a back up plan.

Week 3 Just 1 Thing Consistently

Week 3 of the Just 1 Thing Consistency Challenge

Thanks to Loretta for coming up with a simple challenge.
http://lorettasjourney.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-357-monthly-weighday-new-challenge.html

her words:

SMALL CHANGES
DONE CONSISTENTLY
PRODUCE POWERFUL RESULTS!

My CHALLENGE is the mental / emotional aspect of the journey: keeping positive, recognizing my effort, recognizing progress in the little things, being mindful, staying balanced, staying hopeful, and trusting myself.

My 1 Thing: To find one thing at least each day that I am proud of, that I like about myself , that I see as being progress, that is a non scale victory, that shows me making an effort and if nothing else just something I am grateful for.

This journey is Mind-Body-Spirit and when I don't pay attention to all of that then I get wackadoooo.

This was my week 3 running from Monday August 16 to Sunday August 22

Monday August 16: I got a catalog in the mail from Making it Big which is a supersized woman clothing maker and I 'm almost too small to fit in to their clothes. yoo hoo!

Tuesday August 17: This was a difficult day food wise and body wise. I felt like I was in my 70's physically. I'm grateful Mr. PJ loves and accepts me . I'm glad I stopped on the food snacking and journaled.

Wednesday August 18: I recognized how much I was wanting to be "out of the moment"..I had Fall Fever--meaning I was ready to put up pumpkins and fall decorations and smell cinnamon and then those fall foods. I recognized and journaled a lot about what's bugging me-made a list of things that are worrying me..a rough estimate was 15 things. And made a list of things I felt good about. -4 things. Somethin wrong with dat picture. (went cajun on ya). I felt better physically today though.

Thursday August 19 I got up early and cleaned out my car ( an entire kitchen garbage bag worth--messy Pj--really Cleaned the inside of my car. I had dreamed about choc chip cookies but did not react to the dream with using food.
I discussed with my husband how something he was saying and doing was bothering me and that we needed to discuss it. He didn't over react or get angry and we both felt relieved. I tend to stuff things in order to keep him lifted up.

Friday August 20: I made a fresh salad with lettuce, fresh basil, apples slices, pecans, blueberries and Paul Newman's Balsamic Vinaigrette and it was awesome. otherwise good food and exercise day.

Saturday August 21: I made good choices for breakfast and lunch, lots of fresh veggies and stuck to my plan till mid day. ( now later it got dicey)

Sunday August 22: Recognized the need for more self care. Journaled a lot. Went to zumba and had fun. I need to include some planned self care every day.... working on that. Very grateful for my husband and animals and home.

There ya go. I am already feeling very glad and grateful about the miners in Chili being found alive and yet have to stay underground in a cave until they can be rescued in a few months. ..deep cave..miracles...need prayers

Not perfect and dreaming about it

I know I'm not perfect and that I shouldn't try to be and can't be. It's that black and white thinking thing. Progress not perfection right?

Yesterday , I made good food choices until evening and it was following the meal planning of my blogger pals that did it.

Breakfast was french toast-egg/low cal bread, turkey sausage.
Lunch : flat out light bread tomato, laughing cow cheese, fresh basil from my garden and hummus wrap. wow ..really good. less than 275 calories.
snack: Protein powder/ crystal light smoothie
2nd snack: Vita top , 3 strawberries, 1 tablespoon Hershey's syrup. All measured.
Dinner: Flat out pizza with veggies , low fat cheese and turkey pepperoni.
Today's breakfast: Oatmeal packet pancake and turkey sausage

Good right? but somewhere in there yesterday I got kinda light headed, felt kind of weak and when that happens I always assume it's that my protein or carb intake isn't good enough or I've over done it somehow. When I check my blood sugar its usually fine.

Anyway, I felt this weird lightheaded weak way on Friday also after a workout at the gym and actually left a class before it was over because I didn't feel that I could continue to lift weights. I got on a recumbent bike for 5 minutes and couldn't get my heart rate up over 84. I had to stop by Krogers on the way home and checked my blood pressure in their machine..bp 116/59 heart rate 63. A little low maybe. Since losing so much weight and exercising so much, my resting heart rate is around 60 and my bps are normal. I'm still on a beta blocker bp med to "protect my kidneys" and it may be that this is the problem now. I'm not sure , but something isn't quite right.

So back to yesterday. my great food day yesterday went down the tubes after my weak feeling. This was in the late afternoon and my husband was late for home when we were planning to make flat out bread pizzas. So I ate half an apple and peanut butter and a few raisins. Then I had more peanut butter and raisins. Then dinner. Then later, I had a Vitatop with weight watchers ice cream and Hershey's syrup. Then another Vita top. Trust me -you do not want to eat high fiber Vita tops in great quantities. hmmmm..actually qualifies as a doggone binge. I've tried to figure out -how, why , what ...it isn't clear. Tried to figure out what feelings I was stuffing. no clue. crap..crap...crap.


So rough night last night. I dreamed one of my recurring dreams last night that symbolically means I've got my vulnerable parts running around on the loose and I'm worried about this and want to take care of them. But I can't figure out who I'm supposed to take care of or how . I got really angry at the parts that were obstructing me from taking care of me.


Huh? I know....it's weird. But when you dream this a few times a months for a few years , you finally figure it out. It takes the shape of me working as a nurse on an old hospital floor I'd worked on and my dogs and cat are running around the hospital and I'm worried about them . I can't figure out what patients I'm supposed to take care of, can't find my assignment or my clipboard with my patent's names on it, or get report from the prior shift. Patients are calling for pain meds, but no one knows what to do. I just want to go home, but can't abandon the patients. I know, it's weird, but pretty sure that's what the dream interpretation is.

All I know is it shook me up, woke me up at 3:44, I had to check if it was raining because I was worrying about the cat who was out partying. I went back to bed and dreamed that my father who has been dead since I was 15 was alive again. I was spending time with him and telling him which restaurants he could eat at for healthier food with a seniors discount, and how we could take drives in the country. The father part is another recurring dream.

Why can't I have one of my Pj meets Johnny Depp and they go boating in the Bahamas together recurring dreams?

So it seems my inner concious thinks I need to take care of me more. I guess.
Is it the blog? Is it going off the strict structured plan 100% of the time and mixing it up with fresh foods. Is it just needing balance? Is it just trying and having a setback and getting right back to it? Do I need to check my bp more? I really don't know.

But a little self care is in the works. Getting my tail off the sofa to go to zumba, eating healthy today , watching True Blood and Mad Men tonight. Might sneak in a nap. Got some laundry to do and a little reoranizing in my office and my bedside area.

Take that, dream concious.

What If ?

I'm up early today as my cat slept all over me last night since we couldn't put him out in a thunderstorm. Also, I dreamed I was on vacation in Canada and staying with a friend's parents in a very cluttered house and they came home from a morning out and were upset with me for not cleaning their house while they were gone. I left to stay in a hotel, take that!

Saturday is one of my "weigh days"...I vary how often I weigh, usually 2-3 times a week and sometimes skip it altogether because it's making me wig out. If I'm not behaving right with food and exercise then why punish myself. On the otherhand, when I'm doing all I can do and I'm focused and the scale isn't budging then that screws with my head too. I have a doc appt Wednesday and I just changed up my eating / exercise plan , so I wanted to see how it was trending. Also, I'm making my own breakfast and lunch today versus eating my Bistro md meal delivery system, and I've got an errand to run before exercise class.

So, I hopped on the scale and no matter how many times I try , it is reading about 20 lbs less than usual. It's consistently reading about 200 to 196. WHoooOPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!........... no way.






Now I know this is inaccurate as I weighed 226 Thursday and last week I did see a 221 for about one day before eating Wendys ( and other things )and seeing a rise back to 227. I know there is no way I can lose that much weight in a a couple of days , so I know the scale is screwed up. (although I did weigh about 6 times, waited 20 minutes and went back again and same thing.)

But what a really nice thought. What if that were true? What if that really were my weight which is so close to my goal of around 190. 190 might still be high for 5'2 me, but some of that poundage is loose skin / flab/ the lessening hairs on my head that are growing on my chin these days.

What would I do different? How would I feel about how much exercise I do and would I still do it? What would my 'eating plan ' be? What size would I wear? What would I focus on since I wouldn't have to focus so much on LOSING weight. *(duh, maintenance).

All kind of thoughts come up and I'm going to enjoy thinking about it.
I'm going to just say that is "coming attractions" and "previews of what's to come".

I've never weighed on the scale at the gym, so I'm not sure I'll do that today (just to check). (just to burst my little fantasy bubble).

I'll Keep doing what I planned to do . It's been a good feeling to choose my foods versus eat the prescribed regimen of Bistro MD. My calorie intake is good and exercise is good too.

Keep stringing along good choices. Have a great weekend.

Balance The See Saw

Seems like Blogworld has a few of us falling off our plans lately...we have a few stress eaters, carb eaters, junk food eaters, exercise avoiders, non trackers, bloggers that have quit and are literally lost in cyberspace-- you name it.
Some of us are doing a bit of all of it.

Struggling? Maybe.

There are also plenty of good folk doing what they do--sticking with the program, doing super fantastic. no problemo. role models. I'm working my way through the archives of many.

Why is it that some of us go back and forth through the extremes? I am one such soul. Riding the See Saw of consistency / inconsistency--a few days 'on plan' and then a bad day or meal or just a moment steers us off plan.

I had my little meeting of 1..actually 2..met with my therapist. Worked up my new plan . I've been journaling and thinking about this all week. She basically just agreed with me and pointed out a few things and asked for one commitment: to stick with the exercise classes and to consider changing again if I start gaining.

She reminds me: "You've lost 120 lbs. That is something to consider and remember. That is something to be proud of. So you will lose a little slower or you'll maintain for a while."

To lose 120 lbs took me 4 years of effort, failure, success, hope, reinventing the wheel, sweating, journaling..the list goes on. Though I'd still be obese, I really just want to lose 30 more pounds for now. It will just take a little longer right now than I had planned (by Dec). I have to pull back on the super restriction of calories for a little while. I just can't do 1200 to 1400 calories a day and not want to let loose and eat "the bad food".

I'm tired of eating a food delivery system . I'm on my second food delivery system in the last 2 years, almost non stop . I just have to start venturing outside of this tight structure. Super tight structure after a while makes my see saw bottom out and I fall off in the dirt. Talking about balance, good people.

I do see my journey as a lifestyle change and I have changed my life tremendously. But as a 47 yr old diabetic who has been obese since childhood-losing weight is just a little slow anyway. And, I apparently can't rush it.

So I'm changing up things. It isn't Monday. It isn't the first of the month. It's just starting over-- again. Working to string along good days , good weeks, a balanced plan.


--I started a new journal (with butterflies on the cover) and I write my feelings, dreams, worries, concerns there each day . I was already journaling, but now I can write 4 pages for a day if I need to versus fit it in to the small page of my prior journal. I also track my meals , extra calories, intake, wt, blood sugar if I check it, if I'm hungry or satisfied, and absolutely my exercise. What helps most is figuring out what's behind a food craving or obsession and turning it around.
I make lists of things that are stressing me out versus things I'm feeling good about. This becomes my TO DO list of self care. This is nothing new except starting a new journal with more pages available to me is different.

-- Still eating My Bistro Md plan some days (my freezer is full) and other days I'm planning my meals, leaning towards higher protein/lower but quality carbs. I'm goingto shoot for eating 3 small meals,2-3 small snacks. Calorie-wise around 1400-1500 with maybe an occasional 1600. I want more salads, tuna salads, egg salads, wholegrain pasta, fresh veggies, fresh fruit, and oatmeal. With Bistro Md it's frozen meals 3 meals a day (good food, but boring). If the planning and prep isn't working, I'll stick to the Bistro plan until I can get things planned out. Doing the stricter plan during the week and the self plan / prep plan on the weekend has not worked. I end up wanting all kinds of things on the weekend.

-- Recommitting to balancing out my workouts , so I don't over do it one day and can't exercise the next because I'm too sore or tired. Committing -no matter what--to minimum of 30 minutes each day 6 days week. (I usually do more than this but have skipped a few sessions lately..I thought this was my strength and it scares me that I didn't exercise 3 days in a row. This is my stress reliever --positive reinforcer. Without it , I'm up to no good)

--Spirit/ Mind maintenance: well journaling is a biggie...exercise...This is new: Making time for prayer / meditation/ quite time. Chipping away at the list of stressors-to do lists. Doing my "1 Thing Challenge"-recognizing the things I'm grateful for, things I'm proud of, non scale victories.

Subject to change as needed. If the see saw feels too rocky, I'll remember to try to balance things out.

Committee of 1 meeting scheduled

All the voices and parts of me that wage war ( uh, live within my psyche) are trying to overrun each other when it comes to who is in charge on the food / exercise / weightloss/balance/peace front.

Like, who is driving this bus? How did this happen? Where's Mojo?
dunno, but journaling about it...bloggin about it, road my Flo bike and considered it.....sigh

French fries and a Wendy's double cheeseburger were eaten yesterday And Sunday .. it was awesome.

other part rolls eyes and sighs....

over exercised and got really sore and next day skipped my favorite exercise class.

another part beats up on self and another says " good let's stay home and read in bed" ( this activity led to the Wendy craving, so while it was pleasant and a way of 'taking care of myself' it led to a poor end--great book though)

another part is scared and not sure about all this.

all parts realize we gotta pull together because we can't let the old Pj take over and gain back 120 lbs.

I've got a meeting scheduled. Decided it is time to get a consensus going.

Meanwhile, a new find: Kroger Brand Carrot Cake Yogurt fat free , 100 cal, not quite sugar free. not exactly the ecstasy that is carrot cake with cream cheese frosting--added a tablespoon of granola and an ounce of blueberries..pretty good.

Big friggin mess

Completely not weight loss related. Life stuff. ()None of these photos look as bad as it really is.

The Pj Geek household is dealing with all kinds of stress and sometimes the best way for me to deal with that is to do something. So I did. My mama had a touch of the OCD , so our yard at home was always perfect and pristine. I've quickly learned since living in our starter home now for 13 years that I'm more of an apartment person or condo person , at least. Just not in to the yard work. Also, I always ..I mean Always get some kind of rash or bug bite or something when I go outside and do yard work. I still do yard work--grin and scratch it.

But our front garden and bushes and trees just went jungle like. When you go outside there are cicadas and crickets always buzzing..you feel like you are in the Everglades even though this is suburban Atlanta. So I did something . I hired a guy to come out and take charge of the jungle.

I have to remember to be more specific with my instructions. My beloved Ice plants are now gone gone and my purple lantana. But my Butterfly bush is doing well. I guess it's worth it. We can see when we back out of the driveway, and the front little garden area was neat and orderly .

Bye Bye, Ice plants

Until Sunday .

Sunday afternoon is sometimes nap time. Until, The doorbell rings. Our door bell rings for only a few things: Jehovah's Witnesses, school kids selling wrapping paper and greeting cards, adults selling the Atlanta newspaper, or one of the neighborhood teens who wants to make money working in our yard (he does a horrible job). So we don't open the door when the doorbell rings.

Well it kept ringing, so I answered. Turns out we had a water leak in our yard.

This doesn't look that bad. This was just the yard part. It was also leaking at the meter. We'd replaced all the bad pipes between the street and our house about 3 years ago, so the first thought is that ..oh no , we gotta call a plumber. $$$$$$
Oh no, Did the yard guy do it? This would be our 2nd time to use him and we had a few problems after the last visit.

Then my neighbor comes over and it turns out they have been without water all day, and they have had problems for weeks. Maybe there is light in this water meter hole and it's a city problem after all.

Call to city. City guy comes out. Whew!!! Turns out it is the city 's problem and "sorry it's leaking up your yard..but we'll fix it" Big yellow digger rolls up.


The poor guys were out there until 10:30 pm . We'd ordered pizza to enjoy while watching True Blood and Mad Men, and decided to give them one of the pizzas and cokes. I went out to offer it up. They had dug a large hot tub sized-8 foot deep hole and one of the guys was in there swimming in the mud with only his head above water trying to fix the leak. One of the guys said "We're trying to get him outta there" , meaning they were trying to fix the problem . (I, of course, offered to round up help and get a rope, I take things literally....My husband can't stand that about me )



Now you have to realize. In the above picture, this was all bush and weeds and limbs that the yard guy cleaned out just 3 days before . If we hadn't had that yardwork done, then it would have a worse mess for the poor utility workers to deal with. I gotta see that as a bit of good timing, coinky dinks, or celestial guidance. The plumbers I called and the utility workers assured me that our yard guy did not cause this problem.

This is about 4 inches of GA RED CLAY mud washed down from the big hole.



And today I walked the dogs and looked at my former ice plant border to mourn a little . I saw this. It's coming back, baby!

Just 1 Thing--week 2

Week 2 of the Just 1 Thing Consistency Challenge

Thanks to Loretta for coming up with a simple challenge.
http://lorettasjourney.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-357-monthly-weighday-new-challenge.html

her words:

SMALL CHANGES
DONE CONSISTENTLY
PRODUCE POWERFUL RESULTS!

My CHALLENGE is the mental / emotional aspect of the journey: keeping positive, recognizing my effort, recognizing progress in the little things, being mindful, staying balanced, staying hopeful, and trusting myself.

My 1 Thing: To find one thing at least each day that I am proud of, that I like about myself , that I see as being progress, that is a non scale victory, that shows me making an effort and if nothing else just something I am grateful for.

This journey is Mind-Body-Spirit and when I don't pay attention to all of that ...well, things get off track.... the mind and body need proper maintenance if I want to keep them running smoothly.

Week 2 Monday August 9 to Sunday August 15
Mon Aug 9--a dark day here at Pj Geek Hacienda--I folded laundry and did a killer weight training session.
Tues Aug 10--an even darker day . I wrote this post. I'm recognizing that drinking lots of liquids and exercising like a mofo are a given. It isn't an option for me not to, and I'm totally fine with that (unless it's a rest day or an injury).
Wed Aug 11 I did a great job of journaling today. I journaled about my dreams , my husband, my physical issues, my weight and the realization that --"oh boy , the scale says 221.4 was not realistic since I was just sick for the last hour". I stood up for myself and my absolute requirement to have a daily treat when talking with the nutritionist. Went to Bible study and enjoyed developing relationships there.
Thurs Aug 12 I am grateful for wisdom and patience. I wore my XL sized Crowded House concert t shirt today and I'm so proud that I can buy a concert t shirt that fits.
Fri Aug 13 More good journaling today, recognizing why my body is reacting to the stress level in the house and talked to my husband about it. It started a change in his behavior.
Sat Aug 14 Realized how rigid I get ( a touch of my mama's OCD per- haps?). I went off plan as far as exercise and food , but really noticed how that made me feel and what became of that. I bought a great shirt that is sexy and feminine-hard to let myself do things like that.
Sun Aug 15 I ate thin crust veggie pizza and only ate 3 slices ( the old pj could eat a whole thing or at least half )and gave the rest of the pizza and water and cokes to the water dept guys that dug up our street / our yard / my garden in order to get a water leak stopped.

Warning: Eat Pray Love will make you want to eat Pizza and fall in love with Javier Bardem

New York. Pizza. Italy. Very cool clothes. Cool Friends. Meditation. Paradise. Bali. Javier Bardem.
Yes
Yes
Yes.

It isn't really just the way he looks.
It's..It's..you just have to see it.

Julia is just her Julia self.

So yes, I liked the movie. A very pleasant 2 hour diversion.
I'd read the book and enjoyed it. I'd watched the author on Oprah and learned that people were quitting their jobs to travel and try to have those kinds of experiences. I heard on the radio yesterday that some of those people are now experiencing bankruptcy. You have to keep it all in to perspective, people.

The Day
--over slept so entirely missed my workouts. I never sleep to 9:30. The A/C was cold and my dog was snuggling next to me..cozy. Sleep is precious-Guess I needed it.

Day out with my friend Lanny to see movie and chat and shop.
Movie-child's popcorn and choc cov. raisins...Late lunch: Chipotle veggie / beef bowl version of burrito. mmmmmm- lime cilantro flavors. Carvel icecream next door. I really regret that. Didn't stop me from eating it, but it wasn't so great that I feel it was worth it. How I wish we had sugar free FroYo out here in the boonies.

Shopping: I'm getting a new over the range microwave and dishwasher so had to start the shopping process for those. My current microwave is 25 years old. I'm sure my innards are half cooked. Here's me at store: "I'm just looking..no , I really, am just looking"

Post movie bookstore visit: Coffee, yum, at Borders bookstore. I had cinnamon swirl twist flavored coffee and the person at the next table turned around to comment about how good it smelled. It did. Got my first 2011 calendar-a 16 month mini Vincent Van Gogh (calendar geek) and 2 books at half price.




Shopped for Pjs-none rocked my world. picky...very picky..
But at Marshalls I bought a beautiful shirt for $20 from the Ralph Lauren line that seemed vintage and French. (When I read the description on the RL site it said it was "vintage" and had a French name. I wasn't far off. ) Only 1 item in the 2 clothing stores we went to that I liked. This is it..I could not get it zoomed in to show you up close. It does not look this revealing on me. The bat wings arm will just have to hang out a bit.




Other than some workout clothes, a concert t shirt, and my Enell bra this is the first clothing item I've bought in a very long time. I often shop in my closet. I found a pair of my old jean shorts in my husband's dirty clothes hamper ? that fit me perfectly that I haven't worn in many , many years. I will soon be retiring some other clothes that are too big.

Not really a weight-loss-journey focused entry, not a weight loss focused day, but then this is supposed to be a full life. I kind of think today was a full day. So a full life blog entry was due. I admit I'm a bit nervous that I didn't exercise in 2 days other than a dog walk. Nervous that I ate out today and ate icecream . There's a part of me that thinks I should feel bad about this day, it wasn't a black and white "on plan " kinda day . But this was a good day in many ways.
And tomorrow is another day.

I'm saving up my Just 1 Things: things I'm proud of , grateful for, etc for Monday's post, but I am noting them every day.

Tippy toeing through egg shells

That is what life is like in Pj geek house today. Are all men as moody and emotionally uptight as my husband? I'm keeping my sanity, taking care of myself, trying to provide support, but argggggggggHHHHHHHHHH!!! sometimes you just want to scream.

Work restructures suck.

That being said, I'm eating fine. not abusing food and not planning on it.

I sometimes do things on paper that other folks have on nice on-line things, just cause I like doing things on paper still. Generation late baby boomer here (thinks she wants to be gen X or y but doesn't want to get involved with the tech required--I don't text and I have a basic cellphone that I turn on only when I want to call someone.)

I've made a graph of my weight loss through the last 1-3 months and then marked on there when I was having bad dreams, husband issues, job issues etc. ( I keep a daily journal by the way , otherwise my history is a blur to me.) I then looked at my food intake / exercise . What I'm seeing is the obvious: sometimes I'm stressed cause he's stressed and we are comforting with food and my weight loss isn't happening and is in the reverse. A little stair step up and then a little stair step down.

OK, here is the interesting part. Sometimes the weight loss is plateaued or my weight is spiking up on the graph when stress is high but eating / exercise is good. This would lead me to the theory of stress hormones/ cortisol as being the culprit.
And the good part is , when I have a spike up it is always followed by a downward trend and the whole thing is trending downward. I need to research cortisol. Just interesting.

Maybe this weekend I'll do this online and show you....somewhere between escaping to a book store, drinking coffee, bodycombat and Zumba, and seeing "EAT PRAY LOVE".

See ya..stay safe...it IS Friday 13th

MOJOVATION

My MOJO isn't missing but it sure is talking to me .................


What the heck is Mojo anyway? Description of Mojo:
Webster says "magical powers or charms".
Wikipedia says "a slang word for self-confidence, self-esteem or self-efficacy".
Pj says "that spark that makes me want to be the best I can be, eat to be healthy, search for balance, believe in myself, exercise to lose weight and have fun and be damned if I'm the 'big girl' in the class. Yeah, self esteem or self confidence would be right"

Mojo, as I define it, is the key to my success in this weight loss / health gain journey. It's the feeling that everything is clicked in to place, and I'm rolling through life. It is balance and peace and always mobile and never static. It is mental / emotional/ spiritual. And because of me and my reactions to LIFE -It's the thing that sits precariously on the see saw....some times I got the Mojo in me, baby! and sometimes I just don't. When it is absent is when I struggle with food and depression and doubt and lack of confidence and lack of hope.

I know how hardwired the behaviors, the emotional baggage, and the food addiction is in me. I will always love certain things. I will always want certain things. I will always have to reason with myself and decide how to have things-some now, some later, never again, only on birthdays, only on holidays, only when I lose 5 more pounds, etc. In other words, the Mojo gets tested...an awful lot. (someone thinks or says now, if you just gave up this or did that or joined this, you wouldn't be tested).) ..... I also wouldn't be living a full life. Because I have tried and still do , to a degree, closet away and avoid certain things in order to stay groovin with the mojo.

I plan to keep writing about my Mojo because it is the key or even like a missing link in why I've gained hundreds of pounds and why it is so slow and so hard to lose those hundreds of pounds and maintain it. I have a feeling Mojo or whatever anyone else calls it for themself is the key for others too.

I gotta learn how to find it when it goes missing. I gotta learn how to prevent it going missing. I gotta learn how to ride the See Saw like a surfboard.

The Pj Geek household is dealing with work restructure stress. Stress + stress /emotional response to stress = behaviors to relieve stress.
Well, darn it ..it can't be food.

There are certain GIVENS in my life, I'm proud to say . I have a feeling probably a lot of us have these kinds of GIVENS but don't realize it or recognize it. I encourage everyone to find it. August for me is about motivation , recognition, or rather mojovation.

My Givens are that I drink plenty of water every day . Like 80 to 120 ounces without even trying (since I exercise like a maniac and it is Georgia humid damn hot here). My other Given is that I excercise like a maniac--I like it. It's fun. I want to sweat. It relieves my stress. I would do more, but my husband would complain.

So, for my Just 1 Thing Consistency Challenge: which is To find one thing at least each day that I am proud of, that I like about myself , that I see as being progress, that is a non scale victory, that shows me making an effort and if nothing else just something I am grateful for.

Mon Aug 9--a dark day here at Pj Geek Hacienda--I folded laundry and did a killer weight training session.
Tues Aug 10--an even darker day . I wrote this post. I'm recognizing that drinking lots of liquids and exercising like a mofo are a given. It isn't an option for me not to, and I'm totally fine with that (unless it's a rest day or an injury).

Week 1 of August -Done! ...Just 1 Thang

Week 1 of the Just 1 Thing Consistency Challenge is Done.

I've learned that I don't like blogging every day , so I'm not gonna. I'm going to journal my daily 1 thing as I go.

'JUST ONE THING' CHALLENGE: To find one thing at least each day that I am proud of, that I like about myself , that I see as being progress, that is a non scale victory, that shows me making an effort and if nothing else just something I am grateful for.

August Week 1:
August 1 Relaxing while recognizing the beauty of nature as I drive through the country. I recognized that I miss my husband.

August 2: I didn't finish my pancakes or eggs when I recognized I was getting full. I didn't get ice cream.

August 3: I started over. I realized how eating whatever I thought I wanted wasn't fulfilling me.

August 4: I made an effort to listen to my husband and tried not to suggest solutions.

August 5: I committed to this challenge. I found things that I am proud of for August so far. I am grateful for our little blog universe where I can be real, can confess the realities of my struggles and just keep going. I can try to support others as well.

August 6: Started the day writing a journal entry that was my "mission statement" for the day before I ate breakfast. I didn't know this would be my "One thing" when I wrote it. Here it is " I can choose to be in the thinking , and planning, and obsessing-on-food frame of mind versus focus just on work and other things or I can be present and recognize my discomfort. I have anxiety about my husband, over his father's situation, over my weight, over the fact that my dogs have fleas, that the house needs repairs, clutter, and the car is run down. Or I can start working on the things that I can ..the house , the car, me. Chip away at it"
And I went out for iced Dunkin Donuts Coffee and picked up lunch at KFC for husbnad and overcame the impulse to buy a biscuit for me and at Dunkins overcame desire for ice cream . I'm trying to remind myself that I can not have IMPULSE food...that is my go to thought that reminds me not to get something.

August 7: Mistress ENELL bra: I cared enough about myself to spend money for new clothes and a better bra.

August 8: Went to church -on time for a change. Food addict here noted the table with the plate of Dunkin Donut munchkins (donut holes) immediately and stepped away in the other direction . Smirked when our pastor said his usual comment "Calories and points don't count when it's food eaten in church." Told my husband firmly-I am not eating out today -do not ask me or tempt me-and he respected that.

Sunday Hash

I like hash..the food, of course, not the drug (Food Addict here).... a little of this and that and a splash of the other. I only have this on rare , rare occasion because..it is kinda gross and high calories too. I doctor it up and it tastes yummy. One of the foods my father liked that I remember him making for me.

Here's some Blog Hash

^^^^Pjs for the day : Blue and white lacy thing that is size 30/32..I'm a 1 X or 18/20 now. I HAVE to retire these....... but it's so hard! I'm picky when it comes to buying new things too. I'm trying to get rid of things before I bring new things in. That means another bag needs to be collected for Goodwill.

So I read Loretta's blog that she was listed in the "50 Best Blogs for Beating Food Addiction." Yea, Loretta! She is a hero in this battle and has a lot of wisdom.
http://lorettasjourney.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-361-thankful-thrilling-thursday.html


And I went to check out the list and there I was. Not sure what it really means , but that's cool. I lay it all out here as honest as I can be without posting my face here.

http://www.medicalcodingcertification.com/blog/2010/50-best-blogs-for-beating-food-addiction/

****Visualization**** I'm a big believer that visualization is important for healing and reaching goals and success. But why I haven't I been doing it consistently?
I've started.
I am visualizing the actual numbers on the scale dropping. In Body Combat class we Hit and Kick at an imaginary foe. My foe is that part of me that holds me back by allowing me to make bad choices and that says "screw goals and screw the eating plan and eat what you really want. "

***Went to bed last night at 9 to read and fell asleep at 9:30. I'm hungover with a headache today. ERRRH. dreamed I'd moved in to a haunted house that had bad juju.

**Why so sleepy? Saturday is my 'doubles day' .I did 1 1/2 hours at the gym in the am and 1 hour at the gym last night that included high intensity intervals on elliptical and weight training. My hamstrings are screaming.

***Today is going to be an ice cream day....not an impulse..... planned in to the calories= ice cream or some other "ice cream like dessert". Also, fage yogurt / berries / and a measured amt of granola ..(living on the edge-bought granola-we'll see how it goes . granola + PJ geek = bowl after bowl of cereal binge.

***Zumba day *** Did not go. major headache all day. darn it.

**The Tom Hanks movie Castaway everytime it's on my husband and I stop and watch it. I cry when he loses Wilson in the ocean and when the whale looks at him.


*** MAD MEN on tv tonight! True Blood on Tv tonight. Umm. chocolate ice cream bar, True blood, and Mad MEN. sounds good



JUST 1 THING CHALLENGE:
August 8: Went to church -on time for a change. Food addict here noted the table with the plate of Dunkin Donut munchkins (donut holes) immediately and stepped away in the other direction . Smirked when our pastor said his usual comment "Calories and points don't count when it's food eaten in church." Told my husband firmly-I am not eating out today -do not ask me or tempt me-and he respected that.

Mistress Enell: Squashed and Secure Boobies

Warning: breasts and other saggy body parts will be discussed.

Losing 120 lbs has it's pluses and it's downfalls, literally. When I go to the gym I wear a mix mash of over sized 30-32 and 26/28 t- shirts and baggy shorts or my vintage 1980's spandex workout pants (I actually like these.) I've outgrown (lost too much to wear safely ) several pairs of yoga pants as well. Most of my clothes' material is hot cotton, none of that fancy "dry" or "wicking" material. My main criteria is don't let the bat wing arms hang out too obviously and cover the tummy. Most of the time this is never achieved and color coordination is only a rare added plus.

I'm tired of wearing 2 Bras and still not getting support for the girls (one for lift and one to squash them ). Sports bras alone are an uniboob nightmare and the girls are hanging closer to the waist than to the shoulders. It is hard to breathe with 2 bras and a too big t shirt on. Jogging on the treadmill is like a gravity defying bouncey house. So , I keep setting little guidelines "I'll buy a new sports bra or new workout clothes when I hit 220" . "I'll get an official bra fitting when I lost a little more weight". Well, It's taking a long time to get to 220. I work out hard several times a week. My butt and thighs are actually fairly toned , under the saggy cottage cheese skin.

I said "screw this" and have started buying new workout clothes. Clothes that actually fit. Clothes that show my booty bulges, waistline and even muscles. I proudly bought size 14/16 shorts that look like biking shorts. I'd scoured through T J Maxx and Marshalls and decided to resort to full price.

I have a new Dri-Fit Nike Shirt in Pink, Jockey capri pants, and the biggie..An ENELL Bra. http://www.enell.com/index.php
For those that don't know, Enell bras are sports bras for the "well endowed" woman.
They are not cheap, around $65 and you can mostly find them on line or at running or specialty stores. I was lucky that a running store nearby sells them, and I'd measured at home and pretty accurately figured out which size was correct for me.
The bras are featured on The Biggest Loser and they are not dainty , sexy little lacy things. In fact, they include tags that tell you that the bra will seem too small and will tell you how to lift and separate and push things in to proper places for the most secure fit.

I wanted the light pink one named Hope, but had to settle for one that I call Mistress Enell because she binds and straps and lifts and contains things with black silky material. The Mistress is incredible! My body is shaped completely differently with this bra. Before I had this shelf like chest that was known for catching spills. The Mistress has minimized my chest. I can look down and actually see my waist and belly. I didn't know I couldn't see them until I could see them. It looks like I've lost a size or two, and my waist is so much smaller.

This is a first. My girls are where they would be if I were perky and nubile. The material wicks away moisture and is cooling. My back is supported, my shoulders are not creased and red, and my body moves as one. Running and jumping still involves a little bouncing, but not the center of gravity shifting that I knew before . In other words it FEELS and looks great.

I may convert, buy more, and wear these as my only bra. But let me give it some time. I'm in the honeymoon phase. I've only worn it for 3 workout sessions so far.

(not affiliated with Enell products, just a paying customer like everyone else and wanted to share my experience)

Just 1 Thing Challenge:
August 7: I cared enough about myself to spend money for new clothes and a better bra.

Crazy work, Movies, Leonardo Di Caprio, and Just One Thing

It looks like I'm going to be blogging almost every day for the rest of August in order to keep my One thing Challenge. I haven't ever blogged daily, so this will be a new challenge in a way too.

Work today : Crazy. I'll be working at least a couple of hours this weekend in order to not be completely behind on Monday.

Play today: Husband and I saw the movie Inception. It was like a 3D version of Chess. I liked it. Leonardo di Caprio is FINE! We shared a small popcorn and I made some adjustments with dinner to account for this. I made a salad with 5 Chick Fil A nuggets which comes to around less than 200 calories. The other movie I've seen lately is The Sorcerer's Apprentice which I really enjoyed. And I'm looking forward to seeing Eat, Pray , Love

Excited to tell ya'll about: I bought an Enell bra. It totally changes the shape of your body. Will update more after I actually do Body Combat and Body Flow Class tomorrow wearing it.

'JUST ONE THING' CHALLENGE: To find one thing at least each day that I am proud of, that I like about myself , that I see as being progress, that is a non scale victory, that shows me making an effort and if nothing else just something I am grateful for.

August 6: Started the day writing a journal entry that was my "mission statement" for the day before I ate breakfast. I didn't know this would be my "One thing" when I wrote it. Here it is " I can choose to be in the thinking , and planning, and obsessing-on-food frame of mind versus focus just on work and other things or I can be present and recognize my discomfort. I have anxiety about my husband, over his father's situation, over my weight, over the fact that my dogs have fleas, that the house needs repairs, clutter, and the car is run down. Or I can start working on the things that I can ..the house , the car, me. Chip away at it"
And I went out for iced Dunkin Donuts Coffee and picked up lunch at KFC for husbnad and overcame the impulse to buy a biscuit for me and at Dunkins overcame desire for ice cream . I'm trying to remind myself that I can not have IMPULSE food...that is my go to thought that reminds me not to get something.

Challenge: Just 1 Thing

I've decided to do another challenge..cuz this one is easy. Just one thing.
I was checking in on my favorite blogs and saw that Loretta has a new one and all it involves is doing one thing consistently each day (that doesn't have to do with the scale) and report progress on Mondays.
http://lorettasjourney.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-357-monthly-weighday-new-challenge.html

This goes perfect with my post on July 29 about recognition of progress and effort and non scale victories. I wrote ".....because I think we need to recognize our achievements in thinking and planning and in our efforts that the scale doesn't know a hill of beans about. This journey is Mind-Body-Spirit and when I don't pay attention to all of that ...well, things get off track." My horoscope for yesterday (Libra) said this: "Just like any other high performance equipment, your mind and body need proper maintenance if you want to keep them running smoothly."

Since I love exercise and movement that is not a challenge for me. What is a challenge is the mental / emotional aspect of the journey: keeping positive, recognizing my effort, recognizing progress in the little things, being mindful, staying balanced, staying hopeful.

So my ONE THING: is to journal those things. To find one thing at least each day that I am proud of, that I like about myself , that I see as being progress, that is a non scale victory, that shows me making an effort and if nothing else just something I am grateful for.

So To catch up for August:
August 1 Relaxing while recognizing the beauty of nature as I drive through the country. I recognized that I miss my husband.
August 2: I didn't finish my pancakes or eggs when I recognized I was getting full. I didn't get ice cream.
August 3: I started over. I realized how eating whatever I thought I wanted wasn't fulfilling me.
August 4: I made an effort to listen to my husband and tried not to suggest solutions.
August 5: I committed to this challenge. I found things that I am proud of for August so far. I am grateful for our little blog universe where I can be real, can confess the realities of my struggles and just keep going. I can try to support others as well.

And August Starts Off With A Bang

...Beeep beeep beeep beeep.. Hit the snooze button. beep...beep.......hit the snooze button. beep....beep...ok turn off the snooze button....beep...slam the alarm clock to the floor....

Time to wake up. Time to start over. Again.
Time to go back to my real life.
My Healthy-living life.

Here's a little story about PJ Geek who goes on out of town trips to visit friends and family. She loves to drive in the car and listen to music. But this is not always a good thing. It's a test of planning and a test of will. The out of town trip part was going fine this time until some hubby's work-related drama kicked up. And when my baby hurts , I hurt.

Yes, I had a bit of a carb party driving home Tuesday . Got that empty .."oh crap, I did it again" feeling. That, " I wish I could undo the last 6 hours feeling." The," Well, If I was gonna eat THAT many calories why didn't I have something really good like...this ..or that..or even That.." thoughts.

August 1: Drive to Huntsville, Alabama to visit best friend from grade school through high school and to go to a concert. Got off to a late start, beating up on myself for not finding school year book and not getting ready soon enough. I was in a bad mood, but driving through farmlands and mountains of North Georgia helped ease that pain. And I saw a cemetery with a sign that said the name was "Need More Union Hill Cemetery.."..I got the willies and sped up though I did think about getting a picture.

In typical Pj fashion, I left necessary items at home: toothbrush, hairbrush, jewelry for my concert outfit. It's not a trip if I don't leave crucial items at home-last trip it was the cell phone. The trip before that I left my cpap machine. Ditzy. Food wise, I planned for and treated myself to a McDonald's ice cream cone. Dinner was fine but did share a dessert. The manager of the restaurant comes over ..to me..to tell me how much he loves this dessert and that it is home made and makes a point to look at me and mention "You should try the cinnamon roll cobbler" (or something like that). I don't know if he thought he should make the (still) fat girl feel good about eating dessert, or if he was just being a manager, or what. But he was kinda ignoring the other 2 people at the table.


August 2: After a quick run to a CVS pharmacy to purchase missing items , I had the embarrassing fun of brushing my teeth in a gas station parking lot with a bottle of water. We then drove to Nashville for a day of shopping and sightseeing before seeing the band Crowded House (80's band ) at the Ryman auditorium. Food wise things are going fine..left half of my eggwhite omelet / low fat pancake brunch on the plate.

I had my eyes peeled for celebs like Sheryl Crow or Nicole Kidman since we were in their neck of the woods. We went to a swanky mall, Anthropologie, and Whole Food Groceries .( My first trip to Whole foods in over a year. Whole foods is my nemesis or at least the bakery and chocolate section is. All I bought was 3 individual servings of Justins Peanut butter--triumph! and ground some honey peanut butter to show my friend how to and to give to my friend as a gift!

After a trip to a huge used book store where I found several much desired books and The Secret of Nimph Dvd--love that, we shared an appetizer of chicken nachos for dinner. Then a phone call home brings bad news right before concert. I purposefully skipped an ice cream cone to talk to my honey, but nothing to do but go to the show.
Crowded House was great. They are one of those bands that you have heard because they have had so many hits, but you don't know who they are or who sings their stuff. I've always been a die hard fan.

As is the 'after concert' ritual, I ate 2 White castle burgers on the way home from concert. (we don't have White castle in Atlanta..well, they are just like Krystal...bummer) I fall asleep while friend drives from Nashville back to Huntsville and wake up every 10 minutes to ask her if she's ok and is she falling asleep? Friend is listening to loud rock music and singing along. I'm oblivious.

August 3: Driving back to Atlanta from Huntsville, I'm worried about my husband. I try the Subway breakfast sandwich and threw half of it a way to get something else. Here's where the carb party starts-a bran muffin / steak biscuit and then a Starbucks stop for a blueberry scone. Too many cups of coffee, too much starch. There were many discussions between my food addict self and ...well...who was she talking to? I have no idea. Think she was talking to herself because she was 'driving the bus.' Food plan? We ain't got no stinkin food plan.
I was jonesing for ice cream, but never got any. Actually, there was a lot of looking and planning and thinking about stopping, but not as much stopping and actually getting. Woo hoo..reality is coming back.

This is what I know. It's frustrating when facing big emotions and uncertainty to reach for comfort from food. I know there really is no comfort in food. But I did it . It's done. It wasn't horrible, but you won't see me on a scale any time soon.
And not getting on the scale is a form of comfort and grace. When you are about to break through a scale milestone and then give in to the old drug of choice that will undoubtedly screw with that progress, It's a let down, but not the end of the world.

My husband is home and has vented. I worked very hard to listen , provide support, and not offer solutions. Cause that is what he wants. Emotions are bound to be high as it always is when one of our employers restructures, and we figure out where we will land in the rubble.

So I'm getting back to my usual life. Trip is over, back to what works. stringing along good moments, good meals, good days.