New Food Plan and Focus

This week I've started a new food delivery system , a little different focus with my exercise , and a new set of Goals or theme, if you will. I'll blog about it as it all becomes more clear to me and as I go along. I'm not sponsored by or receiving any compensation for use of this meal plan . (It's MY cash!) I just wanted to introduce that I'm really shifting my focus and making big changes.

This is my blog about my journey and not an advertisement or a recommendation to anyone. This is what will hopefully work for me. Sometimes just putting it here in cyberspace helps me stick to my plan, crazy as that seems.

When I saw Oprah lose her weight or other celebrity diet stories I always thought
" Well, if I had a chef to prepare my food and a trainer to work me out then I'd be a success too."
Right. It doesn't work that way. Oprah can attest to that.

It's about goals, intention, finding out what is really important to you, self discovery. Healing. Change. Drive.

So, I do it my way. I've been on this mind -body -spirit journey for the last 4 years. I've done so many different things, changed my focus and direction and my eating plan, changed my exercise, changed gyms, started blogging, started therapy, gone to Oa, etc. Change is another name for progress.

I've used a food delivery system and it has helped me tremendously. I'd never lost 100lbs before though I'd been overweight since childhood. Once I lost 60 lbs on a (get this ) high carb diet. (it was the 90's) and I've since lost the 100 lbs I'd regained. This weekend 07/05 will be 1 year of keeping that 100 lbs off. It was through sweat and effort and prayer. But I want to go further, and I want to be really fit and healthy. My dad had a major heart attack at age 49 and died at 51. That looms over me like a dark cloud of doom .

When I lost the 117 lbs in the first 2-3 years it happened fairly consistently until the last 50 lbs. I had to reduce calories and amp up exercise to keep the wt loss going. For a long time I've lost inches more than pounds, though that is fairly slow as well as of late. As a well controlled diabetic and at age 47 , weight loss isn't going to be easy. Plateau is a thing I know well, as is every trick to break a plateau. To lose, requires honest and tight calorie control and at around 1300-1500 cal / day ( I know it's pretty low, but I used to lose weight at 1900cal a day--body changes). Add to this little mix the problem of being a food addict, compulsive (recovering) over eater and a bit of a control freak. In other words, it just ain't gonna be easy.

I've been eating a local Atlanta fresh food delivery system Good Measure Meals for the most part for about 2 years now, and it has helped me in understanding portion control and that I really don't need a lot of food to get full. (If you watched the first season of Ruby-it is the same plan she used though I was using it for months before her show. ) I don't like to cook, I have trouble with keeping on track and with following a prescribed regimen. I think if I followed Weight Watchers for maybe the 7 th time I might do a lot better. Weight Watchers may be something I do in maintenance, but I've never been able to stick with WW and have success. I always give in to tempatations or get busy or lose self control and just get off track completely. I think I'm emotionally and mentally in a different place than when I did Weight Watcher the first 6 or so times.

When my nutritionist first recommended a meal delivery system , I thought great- less struggle and planning. I'll give up control. It worked great because I made my self follow it very strictly. Initially. And I lost weight. Then I tried to be in control and change it to suit my taste ( and my food addicts). I didn't like this, I substituted that.

During this time, I've learned that I just really want to eat for all kinds of reasons other than hunger , even when I'm really trying to lose weight. I'm working on dealing with that. With Good Measure Meals , even though they changed the menus twice a year , I've gotten so used to this food, semi burned out on it, and have made so many substitutions that I've lost the essence that this great kind of tool has. Complete structure. No or little control. Carefully, proportioned healthy foods that should be just right for me to lose weight if I follow it .

So I decided to switch meal plans. On a recent vacation with my aunt, she was so inspired by me that she wanted to do a meal delivery system too. I found a company that delivers nationwide and sent her the email address. She tried it and loves the food and has already started to lose weight.

The new plan is by Bistro MD-it is lower in calorie, lower carb, higher protein and more food than my previous plan-3 meals and 2 snacks at 1200 calories. It is a national company (again, I am not sponsored by or affiliated with them) and I'm really just trying this to shake up my metabolism / body. My goal is to lose 30ish more pounds (or the equivalent in inches/clothing sizes) and then just maintain for a while. That puts me below 200 which would be the first time since Jr high or high school. I wouldn't even know what it was like to be under 200 lbs. My doctor / therapist / dietitian think this is a good idea. I'm just ready to be done. I've been focused on this journey since Dec 06 (all my life really but not actively and consistently working on it.) I know that me and Food and our issues will never be done, but I feel it will be a chance to change my focus.

The new food plan
I've had the excitement that you feel when you are starting a new plan. The preparation phase, reading forums, really thinking about my goals and my motivations, and getting my freezer and kitchen ready, I also had the "last supper" mentality as well: thoughts like "Oohh I gotta have ice cream " or
" Oh , I should get some baked thing from Dunkin donuts." I pretty much kept that in check or just over the top of my calorie range. I still had food from my fresh food delivery plan to eat, but Monday night while walking the dogs my neighbors were grilling burgers. I got back from the walk craving a burger big time. That's how easily I get distracted from my plan.

I started the plan Tuesday am.

The pluses for me on doing a delivery meal plan are this: portion control, portion control, portion control , Oh, and a trial of new foods, I realize now I like certain fish and veggies and cottage cheese and I love fresh salads. And it's pretty good food. When I'm planning and preparing and eating my own food I've only maintained or gained weight. When I eat out a restaurants I gain weight. So figure in no eating out, very little grocery shopping and it balances out for me from a cost and effectiveness standpoint.

You see , I always want more. I want to snack while I'm cooking or before or after or later. After I eat a meal (and even though I'm not hungry) I still want something or want to think about it. With this plan , when all you have is that tray of food until the prescribed snack time and you are sitting there jonesing for some food you have to ask yourself " Why do I want to eat? what is this really about? why is food so darn important?" And then a whole lot of info comes in . When you are trying to heal a food addict ..that awareness is good. Could I do this without a delivery plan? Well, some people can definitely, but I apparently can not. Or I wouldn't have reached 345lbs despite multiple , multiple attempts to lose.

Having a level of control over my choices helps me when it comes to losing and helps my food addict not get reved up. The negatives are: lack of choice, foods you don't like , not getting to go out as much , not getting to eat what you are in the mood for, and cost. Oh, and it's an environmental concern lots of styrofoam , and packing materials and plastic trays. You recycle what you can , but it's a concern for me. Usually these plans can be $6 to $ 10 a meal. There are plans that are up to even $15 / meal. The cost can be a motivator also "The sooner I get done, I can stop paying so much".

I started with the food yesterday and it is pretty good. The snacks better than I thought. I've tweaked my exercise. I've made some other changes in how I go through the day and what my goals are. I'll share more later

http://www.bistromd.com/
I am not affiliated with Bistro Md and they are not sponsoring me at all and I have not made them aware that I would review my experiences. I'm probably not going to do a detailed food by food report because I always feel the food is just a part of the picture. I've included the website so you can check it out for yourself. This plan is used as the Biggest Loser food plan .


I have an attitude that this is a short term plan to kickstart weightloss. My general feeling about weight loss is that it is very individualized based on genetics, lifestyle, body type, and simply the history we've had with food and weight loss attempts. We are all our own little machines and we all have our own idiosyncrasies. The big factor too is commitment and adjustment of our own personal thingamajiggy thermostat that keeps us on track and in balance. I tend to do better with more structure and less choice when it comes to food and exercise.

Chipmunk Hunt !

Stars: Lillie-black dog, head chipmunk hunter.
Angel- beautiful blonde assistant








"I tell ya, I hear them in there"



ooh action shot! there was a chipmunk just at the edge of the tree running along the fence.



when they can't get what they really want-you order something off the internet.

Awards !

Two Awards in a month so I'm gonna take them in order as received. May take me another day or so to catch up. And I'm gonna have a heck of a time bestowing awards to so many bloggers, so I may just break a few of the rules. Rule breaker!


I Love your Blog Award.

Rules
#1. Thank the person that gave it to you. (already did , but will again..thank you Kim at Saving my life blog......http://savingmylife-kim.blogspot.com
#2. Write 10 things that you love.
#3. Pass this award on to 10 other bloggers.

The Ten Things I love or at least REALLY, REALLY LIKE A LOT
Many of these are total escapism and just pure enjoyment of life stuff.

1. I really love my husband--he is a big sweetheart , a bit moody, a big jokster, and he really loves me. I wrote a letter to God about a year before we met about what I wanted in life and the kind of man I wanted. Darn it..be careful what you wish for. Got it. Exactly what I asked for. Weird thing is, he had done the same thing and I fit the bill for him to a tee too. The fact that he's 11 years younger is no biggie since I'm actually younger in mind, body and spirit than he is. We're about even.

2. My pets -Angel , Lillie, and the Yella Kitty. Every morning Angel jumps in to bed and snuggles with me. She likes to spoon and to get under the covers. It's so relaxing and I call it Angel Time. When I 'm depressed or stressed I get in bed and have AngelTime. Lillie is the biggest sweetheart, caretaker, nurse dog of the house (like Nana in Peter Pan). Yella Kitty loves me, but "Boy, we will provide for you. We don't need birds and mice and voles delivered to our doorstep".

3. I love to read. I'm currently re-reading DietGirl and first time reading The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. I read all kinds of books: mystery , romance, history, biography, fantasy, non fiction, classics. Also magazines, cereal boxes, old diet journals, old text books-you name it ..i can get lost reading it.

4. Bookstores. love em. spend a lot of my free time there. I don't necessarily buy anything. Used or New books-doesn't matter. My requirements are they have a bench or a chair that I can sit in and read for a few minutes. Best fun on an off day is to go to the bookstore, drink coffee, eat a treat either from home or from there, and read magazines or write in my journal. I was a library geek too.

5. Going to Movies. The planning, checking times, thinking about who has the best seats, best screen, best popcorn. A Hot sticky day calls for cold air-conditioned darkness. I don't go to as many as I used to because the price is ridiculous and the temptations of the popcorn are too much sometimes. Not to mention I exercise like a mofo for hours on the weekends and we have a big flatscreen tv with cable and a dvr. I reserve the actual movie theater excursions to the movies that are best seen on the big screen.

6. Going for drives. I've driven across the country alone several times. I heart road trips. Our car is old, so I rent cars when I leave the state. The latest trip to see my sister in Alabama was so cool. I had Sirius XM radio, drove through a sunset and then a rainstorm and then a clear moon / star filled night. I could have driven to Texas easily, but I had to visit my sister.

7. Nature. I'm a nature girl. Earth girl type. Ok, bugs and spiders- NO. Deer, horses, birds, bunnies, other wild life in general . YES. Love it. I've spent some great time walking in the mountains and apple orchards and on the beach and through the desert and I love a boat ride too. Semi-Skinny dipped in Vermont. Camped in the snow twice. Watched a few sunsets in the Tucson desert and stayed to watch the stars. Slept at (very near) the edge of the Grand Canyon. love it.

8. Coffee and Chocolate. Ok, the food addict within me could easily come up with 10 things, but I've chosen this little combo as the only food reps here. What else do I need to say?

9. Listening to / Talking with older people. I love elderly folk. As a nurse, they were my favorites and I can always get them to open up. I love to hear stories about old times. I love to listen to the wisdom and hear the advice and hear the mistakes too. Put us on a porch or in a lawn chair with some iced tea and it's even better. I haven't had that in a long time and I miss it.

10. Guilty Pleasures. People magazine. US magazine. Watching the hot Vampires on True Blood. Preparing an Italian dinner to watch the Godfather or the Sopranos. Cheesy reality tv shows. Dancing at concerts as close to the stage as I can sneak to. 'Exploring' empty Old houses. Fresh school supplies and I'm not in school. day dreaming. google addict.

I JUST SCRATCHED THE SURFACE

Now paying it forward.
Who to choose? Who to choose to bestow this award to? Here goes. Sorry, I can not get things to link up on my bog. This is in no order. And I recommend it to these 10 to at least journal about it if they don't want to post about it. It's a good little gratitude list. I get so much from all of your blogs. Thank you.

1. Roxie at http://gravelandrust.blogspot.com

2. Debbie at http://exyoyodieter.blogspot.com

3. Tammy at http://foodaddict-fromfattofab.blogspot.com

4. Peaceful bird at http://words-paint.blogspot.com

5. Genie at http://dietof51.blogspot.com
ok Genie, I know "Love" is not a word you like to use in some instances..please improvise.

6. Debby at http://debbyweighsin.wordpress.com

7. Lisa at http://nomoredietdrama.blogspot.com

8. Karen at http://waistingtimeblog.com

9. Loretta at http://lorettasjourney.blogspot.com/

10. Abi at http://curlupanddiet.blogspot.com

NEVER a Golden Corral Saturday

Me, to my husband upon watching a Golden Corral Breakfast Buffet commercial

"scary. bad. too much. food. goodness"

He laughed hysterically and wrote it down and told me to put it in my blog and suggested the punctuation.

He Hee :)*************************

Working on a lot of blog posts this weekend, including responses to some awards.

Right now I'm heading to the gym to do a little Body Combat followed by Body Flow.

Burn baby burn , fat cells

Then back home to melt in to the sofa and watch a movie..
These are some that I have recorded on the Dvr and I'll have to pick what I'm in the mood for. I've seen most of them a long time ago: "The Last Picture Show", "Wolf", "Racing with the Moon" "Fried Green Tomatoes" "Inkheart" .
I have several Tv episodes recorded too: Losing it with Jillian, Ruby, Hells Kitchen, Whale Wars, Last American Cowboy.
After the work week I've had, I need to just escape for a little while.

See ya, have a fun Saturday. Stay hydrated.

6 MORE MONTHS OF SHOPPING DAYS!!!

That's right ..Christmas is just around the corner --6 exact months from now.

Seriously? Seriously.

My husband said it this morning and I looked at the plastic box of ornaments in the hallway that is now the cat's favorite sleeping spot and said "We really gotta put this stuff up in the attic."

Then I just authorized something at work and I had to give them a 6 month period and yep, 12/25/10.

It's hot, I'm sweaty and itchy from allergies. I'm ready for cold weather and Christmas open house tours....Gonna get by for now with some cinnamon vanilla creamer for my coffee from Walmart.

HO HO HO

Theme of the day: Choices

Pjs; pink striped size 30/32 shirt which fit 4 years ago and is now a shortie nightgown sized but too big really

So I was thinking about something I wanted to blog about..... I'm having to make a lot of choices right now, and it's a tough thing and you are some wise folk out there. I checked out several blogs and making choices seems to be a big theme in some of the blogs I read. So choices it is.

It makes sense, we make them every moment. When we have our devil self on one shoulder and our angel self on the other it becomes a big gang up of what to do. Do I do the Right thing? Do I do what this part wants ? OR that part? Or what is the healthiest , really right thing to do? But what about this? you have to consider that?? right?......... hmmmmmmmmmm.............this is how my brain works.

My methods for making big decisions are typically this:
1. Pray. Make a list of pros and cons.
2. Assign a weight of importance to the items. tally it up.
3. At this point, it should become clear which thing outweighs the other.
4. Say to myself, ok it's this. If I still keep eyeing the other thing, say ok it's that.
5. Wait for a minute and see what happens. If it feels right, "clicks in to place", then go for it .
6. If no revelations appear and I don't feel that the choice really "clicks" into place-decide to pray and sleep on it.
7. Next day repeat 1-5 , if stuck go to step #6. again.
8. Should be done by now, if not, ask everyone I know what they think. and just ruminate on it for a while.. usually it becomes clear at this point.

Fortunately, my current issues are not that big and I've not done my steps.
(exhausting)


I'm starting a new meal delivery plan next week that is lower in calorie, lower carb, higher protein and more food..3 meals and 2 snacks at 1200 calories. It is a national company ( I am not sponsored by them) and I'm really just trying this to shake up my metabolism / body. My goal is to lose 30 more pounds (or the equivalent in inches/clothing sizes) and then just maintain for a while. That puts me below 200 which would be the first time since Jr high or high school. My therapist / dietitian think this is a good idea. I'm just ready to be done. I've been focused on this since Dec 06 (all my life really but not actively and consistently working on it.) I know that me and Food and our issues will never be done, but I feel it will be a chance to change my focus.

I have an attitude that this is a short term plan to kickstart weightloss. My general feeling about weight loss is that it is very individualized based on genetics, lifestyle, body type, and simply the history we've had with food and weight loss attempts. We are all our own little machines and we all have our own idiosyncrasies. The big factor too is commitment and adjustment of our own personal thingamajiggy thermostat that keeps us on track and in balance. I tend to do better with more structure and less choice when it comes to food and exercise.

But I'll write more about all of this. I think having a delivered food plan is not that common among our blog universe.

I would like some feedback about how and what to post about the new food plan. I don't think I want this blog to be an advertisement, a paid sponsored plan , or a food blog. I've always said that's just part of the puzzle. It's really the whole body / mind / spirit approach. But the first shipment just came, I just unpacked it and stowed it away . I took photos, not knowing if I wanted to detail this part of the journey. The commitment to this food is 1 week only , though I'll have to reorder for another week on Tuesday. I already have Food from my old company through Monday , so I'm going to have to trial some of this stuff to see how it works.

I'm also trying to decide if I want to sign up with my Kickboxing instructor who now teaches at my new gym. His class gave me self esteem, excitement, fun, incredible cardio. But there are some downsides to it as well. The new gym has classes that give me all that his class did. For free. Hmmm...It's a dilemma.

choices..choices..

Road Trippin

It take a road trip to remind me of me.

The me that likes certain things and appreciates others and just absolutely hates other things. Scared of that thing. Absolutely loves this thing.

From Buttercups to rainstorms and really loud U2 music that I liked when I was 19.

Everyday that passes in life, every year, everything we give up or compromise or just choose to forget about are sometimes like little wounds or little kicks to our soul. I think it's why we get depressed or get sick or feel hopeless or feel old. We let those little parts die in us, and then bit by bit we die. And , the reverse of course is true. The happiness, the little triumphs, the love and the victories build us up and make us feel rosy and complete. Sometimes all of it works together to reach that happy bit of nirvana. A little failure here followed by a triumph there sure makes it sweeter.

For some reason I have an image of the Pillsbury doughboy while I'm thinking of this.

The trick is to figure out how to control the little thermostat thingamajiggy so we are balanced out and can weather the storms without losing our selves.

If it doesn't make sense to you, know that it makes sense to me. sort of.

Spring Challenge--Done!

It's really good to have accomplished this challenge. I see so many challenges that are focused on losing pounds , and I just can't do those challenges. My body doesn't typically lose weight in a "normal" or even in a "non-normal fashion". And this journey is about a whole lot more than just weight. The weight is just the byproduct of a 'Girl out of control'. I would have felt like a failure if I'd picked a weight loss challenge to do. This is about building me up, making me feel better about myself, being good to myself and taking ya'll along with me.


Initially , there were weeks that I had been emotionally down. I was hopelessly using food, and trying to get back on some kind of track. Journaling these goals and then marking a check mark when it was accomplished is what helped to build me back up. My self esteem grew. Knowing that Loretta and Deb and Shelley and everyone else out there were working on their own goals, gave me an anchor to keep going.

Yea, there was a time there when things were going along great. I'd push the focus of the challenge to the bottom of my mental list. Now to think back on it, I see the pattern that is my life in this habit. Putting health and the "better life" for me down the list because of all the "other stuff". "Other stuff " doesn't matter if you are not alive and healthy.

I would do a challenge like this again. And even one that was 13 weeks. I will say that I'm excited about the coming week as I'm setting some new goals and thinking ahead with hope. My husband asked me about the poster up in my office that I made in April , with all of my challenge goals and with an added goal of walking a 3K. He said "that's April, don't you have any June goals?" I said, "I'm working on those..I've got to finish this first and then I can move on to something new once I know I've got this done".

It's not perfect, but it's done now. Some of it will always still be a challenge.


My Challenge Goals WERE:
1. Every day for the next 13 weeks do some kind of clean up or organizing around the house. This will help my self esteem and overall outlook on life and life itself. We are all different on this journey and I'm a procrastinator. I would rather exercise, read, or watch tv than clean.

I would still rather exercise or read or watch tv than clean. But I also feel so good when I get rid of excess STUFF. Trash. Junk. Have organized shelves and cabinets and papers and laundry. Still and forever and always a work in progress.

2. Every day for the next 13 weeks eat a fruit or veggie as one of my snacks. This was the easiest. Eating fresh fruit and veggie makes me feel whole. Maybe that sounds crazy, but it is.

3. Listening to what my body needs and doing it.

"I'm getting better, but this may be the hardest lesson to remember and to continue. This is the main thing that is forgotten when I think of , dream about, obsess on Food. It is crucial to take care of me, and tune in to what the whole of me wants. It's too easy to not do this in our fast food-convenience food reality. It's so much harder (or seems like it is ) to choose the path of peace and balance and serenity and health."

4. Not eating ANYTHING after 9 pm.

I'm kind of a night owl kind of a person. I exercise in the evening between 6 and 8, and I don't like to eat before I exercise. I'm about to embark on a new food plan , so I may be shaking this pattern up a bit. In the long run, I'm better than I was months ago and years ago. But ..not perfect here.

5. Reduce artificial sweetener usage.
Done, but this has to be watched. I have a sharper sense of taste when I avoid artificial sweeteners. I don't know, it just doesn't feel right to rely on so much chemical falseness.

6. Check in every Saturday. consistently late..as usual

7. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself.

I reviewed most of my challenge posts while I worked on this. The thing that stands out is that ..I care. I really care...about myself, about others, about everything. I'm not numb. I feel and I hurt and I worry and I care. And it is painful sometimes. And when I'm using food to numb myself and my cares and feelings I'm not really living. So That is an important recognition on it's own

8. Save up to buy myself a Reward at the end for making my goal:

The Golden Ring





I don't want to get my plain wedding band re-sized but it's very loose due to my weight loss. I want a ring to wear in front of it, both as a protection and as recognition for keeping my 100 lb weight loss (July 5 is the 1 year anniversary). This is also a reward for completing the challenge, because I did it. There were times I didn't want to, but I put getting healthier and finding balance first.

Thanks for your suggestions. Many of you and my husband liked one best , and I kind of did too. The meaning behind the ring and about the actual ring is important. This ring is called the "hope chest ring" and is in the Sundance catalog on line. The other rings I liked were made of moonstone . I've always been drawn to the moon , and the pearl is associated with the moon. Also the pearl is associated with Jesus. A little online research also says: "Eastern cultures believe that pearls symbolize purity and spiritual transformation. Simply wearing a pearl reminds the wearer to be honest, pure, wise, and to walk with the utmost dignity. Different colors of pearls bear different meanings. As expected, white pearls symbolize purity, innocence, faith, and honesty."

Yea, God bless me. That is the ring for me.
See ya
Challenge ovah

DAGNABIT!!

How's that for a curse word? The curse word is because of THAT DARN SCALE!.... but I'll get to that in a minute.

I'm heading out of town Friday right after work to visit my sister in Alabama who needs a little sisterly companionship for a couple of days...ex husband / son issues. As she is a hairdresser, my gray roots will say Bye-Bye as will at least 2 or 3 inches off the length. I gotta lot of hair. Exercise is already planned as will be healthy snacks and restaurant choices. Cracker Barrel is always on the agenda.

I love a road trip and it's about 4 hours . Good music, Iced coffee, cruise control.

I have a lot to blog about but will put that on hold till I get back. I need the thinking time while I'm driving. I usually take a notebook and journal at the rest stops. So I'll have lots to say when I get back , and it's the end of the Spring challenge,and I want to change my blog look.

The scale.
So last week I was getting bummed because the scale was hovering between 228 and
230 which it has been for months because it seemed like I was making good choices, not perfect, but exercising and sweating harder than ever. I've been plateaued pound wise and a little bit inch wise for some time. So I had my scale-vacation and weighed for the first time yesterday since I had a dietitian appointment. I decided to think about / journal how I felt I was doing before I weighed and then after.

At first when I saw 230.6 I was bemused and like. ...'humph..that's amusing.'

{Ok yea, I had a Sonic vanilla soft serve dish and a frito chili pie with a salad one day.(I have to have a treat on the weekends-i count the calories, and it usually replaces a planned delivered meal that sucks.)

}Later on in the day I got really angry about it. Chewed about 10 pieces of sugar free Flare cinnamon gum. grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

My dietitian told me to weigh at least twice a week because if you just weigh once you might be getting it on a day when you just are retaining fluid. We talked about
how my body resists weight loss as I've been on this restrictive calorie - dieting thing for 3 consistent years now. During that course we've had to lower calories, increase exercise, change exercise, change carb vs fat vs protein percentages. And all that as a food addict / compulsive over eater that Needs to lose wt for health reasons.

I've been considering trying a different food delivery meal plan and may be making a switch to one that is slightly higher protein/less carb, less calories but has 3 meals/2 snacks for 1200. The reviews are good and my aunt loves it. So working on that for next week.

So I weighed today-what the heck? down 2.4 lbs for 228.2...sigh!

"see ya'll" when I get back

HOT! real hot

Or as we say in the South..."It's HAWT, ya'll!...real hawt!"

No seriously, it's in the mid 90's here in Atlanta , but with the humidity feels like in the low 100's.." Bring me some ice tea and a fan, sugah. "
(some true southerners do talk this way)

Yesterday, I had taken a shower, had on a nice pink shirt, khaki shorts and was basically dressed for the gym. Then I didn't want to leave the house to get sweaty at the gym. But I did. Sweat with AC and fans running goes down better.
I'm drinking lots more cold water than usual and diet peach iced tea .

Busy with work, vacillating on the ring, no big revelations.

Take care and drink lots of fluids. check with ya'll later.

weigh day tomorrow

Week 12-and one to go

As we get closer to the end of this challenge, I've been rethinking over the time. At the beginning , having these challenge goals really kept me on track. If I knew I had to be accountable and report and that other people were trying to keep their goals too, then it helped me stay on track. That's what this whole blog world does for me ..period...

1. Every day for the next 13 weeks do some kind of clean up or organizing around the house. " done, though this is never going to be a priority in my life..i needa maid (too embarrassed to have one come though)"
2. Every day for the next 13 weeks eat a fruit or veggie as one of my snacks. "done and done.. My favorite snack this week..1 stalk of celerey chopped up in to several 'logs'..some with dijon mustard, some with strawberry cream cheese, some with peanut butter and raisins....one stalk of celerey is 10 calories..full of water..i think fiber, you just have to watch the calories on the add ons..and FINALLY, blue berries on sale for $2.49 a pint
3. Listening to what my body needs and doing it. "I'm getting much better with this--went to bed early on Saturday night."
4. Not eating ANYTHING after 9 pm. " 6 of 7 times didn't..but I'm only eating after 9 pm if I'm really hungry and I was really hungry one day...had to eat every two hours.."

5. Reduce artificial sweetener usage. "Done"
6. Check in every Saturday. "bettah late than nevah"
7. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself..empathetic to a fault"
8. Save up to buy myself a Reward at the end for making my goal:

I need help. So here is what I'm looking for and why. I don't want to get my plain wedding band re-sized but it's very loose due to my weight loss. I want a ring to wear in front of it. And I want it as recognition for keeping my 100 lb weight loss (July 4 anniversary for a year as well as for completing the challlenge. I'm a cheap and
a very picky shopper and I like very simple, understated jewlery. I like these rings, but they are found on etsy sites and would have to be handmade and take several weeks..Except for the Sundance ring.
I would prefer gold, but some of these are silver with gold setting..
How about some input ?





#1





#2




#3

Scale-cation

Coffee: Dunkin Donuts French vanilla in my Liberty cup-1 cup down / 1 to go
Pjs: Purple vintage style on top, athletic shorts on bottom ( gots to do laundry)
Work: yea, gotta get to that

I need to not step on the scale until at least Wednesday. It has the potential to or usually bums me out. Even though I tell myself --but maybe I've lost, I feel smaller, it's jsut water retention, it's just pms or "Tom" or before "tom", surely I've lost after all the exercise.

Surely I've lost since I haven't had ________________(fill in the blank).

Posting here makes it real..no scale till Wednesday..

Hello, "Want more"

It seems like I'm always realizing new things about the voices in my head that talk to me about food. It's like the radio just came in clear after I've been bouncing between stations through static. I'm realizing that the voices are mumbling and talking louder of late and about all manner of things. When the food voices are not talking the strict dieter voice, who I call Sandee is bubbling over about what I SHOULD be doing. Just imagine Sandee in a blond ponytail, perky, and wearing 80's hot pink workout clothes with a clipboard, calorie book, and calculator in her hand. She's a bit critical at times , but does have my best interest at heart. The new gym and all the possibilities there have activated her.

Fay is the Food Addict..truly loves food, truly wants food at all times and to think-no- dream about it, read about it, look at pictures of or tv shows or cook books. I think of her as myself as a child because she has such pure excitement and childlike desire-with-no-consequences attitude. Fay is shut down a lot ot the time, but gets to appear once in a while like when I have a treat. But then I have to reign it in and put the controls back on to follow "the plan". Pouting. Sometimes, we have pouting.

Another voice --a small voice who has been piping up lately and who I named yesterday is a little more subtle and more universal as this voice talks about food and weightloss. This voice I call "Want mores". It's the voice that after breakfast and the first cup of coffee in the morning says "Ooh wouldn't a small cookie or biscotti or something sweet be good with the rest of the coffee?". I have to battle that voice everyday lately. After lunch it says, Yogurt or fruit or a cookie please? I've been drinking crystal light or iced coffee after lunch to hush that one up. That voice also looks at the scale and says "I'm working out so hard, why are the pounds not coming off (oh yeah maybe inches, but why not pounds?)". I think this is the voice that laments about loose skin too. Wants more perfection? health? food? treats? hmmmm..this one is a little unrealistic? This one seems schizoid and brings on a little negativity.

Ultimately, what I want is to cultivate the higher self that makes the right choices instinctually for my own good out of love. It's what the whole Geneen Roth book " Women Food and God" is about . I'm going through it with a highlighter right now and even though I kind of know this stuff . It's like a revelation some times.

So, hello "Want more"..I hear you now.

"record review: Jack Johnsons ' To The Sea'

jackjohnsonmusic.com

I can safely say that I have never listened to a Jack Johnson CD until today. I hear his music on the radio and it's a pleasant diversion. But I had to charge up my mp3 player and renew my rentals of music from Rhapsody today as I have a date at the sweat factory tonight (new gym). The site kept mentioning Jack Johnson. Ok, I'll listen for back ground music while I work. I listened to it like 4 times.

Turns out Jack lives in Hawaii is a cinematographer, surfer, eco -loving music dude and that little album transported me to a sunny beach. My feet are in the hot sand, I'm drinking a fruit punch on ice, staring at the blue sea , and bopping my head to the beat. Fun. Beach-folk-pop. Very 60's sounding, Van Morrison sounding. Some songs remind me of "Dirty Dancing"..some like the movie "Ya YA sister hood.."....some are dreamy ..anyway, it's rented on to my mp3 player. Maybe a back yard , under the oak tree, drinking iced tea day is coming. If you need a little beach diversion , but your landlocked like I am ---I would recommend you check it out.

Finding even a 'God moment' at Walmart

I know both God and religion can be a touchy subject for some people, so this post might reap a little havoc . For that matter, Walmart can be a pretty controversial subject too. Just google "boycott Walmart". I have boycotted Walmart for many of those reasons, but I always slink back to the familiar. All I can say is...it's my blog , I'm gonna say what I want to

I choose to shop at Walmart because we have a history. When you come from a really small town, where Walmart is the biggest store for 50 miles you kind of have little choice. Now I'm thinking back to a time in the 70's that younger folk would not imagine--no internet, no amazon, no homeshopping network, no Barnes and Noble, few mail order catalogs. No Starbucks, people. Not even Dunkin ' donuts. For me, Walmart was a connection to the bigger world out there.

It was a big deal to go to Walmart and for many in our little rural county a just a once a week or once a month venture. First, it was somewhere air-conditioned. They sold albums and those new cassette tapes of all my favorite bands. As a "chubby girl" my clothing options were limited and usually we had to order out of the Sears catalog or go shopping an hour away to a town with a mall. Except, I could buy Men's Dickies jeans at Walmart and underwear and shoes. It was also a Friday night out of dining and shopping for my folks.

So yeah, I shop there for nostalgia's sake and familiarity, but also for savings. My cat food brand is 20 cents cheaper a can there. Where else can you get a nice $4 shirt? Also, when you are a big busty girl like myself and your bra snaps in two when you are out of town, Walmart is a sure thing for getting a bra replacement.(not something smaller busted people think about , but then they have their own issues, I guess. ). When I buy my husbands uniforms for work I sometimes have to hit 4 different Walmarts to find his size, so traveling out of a town to a 'foreign Walmart' can be like hitting a jackpot. (only place that sells what he needs, I've tried online).

So living in Atlanta, I have plenty of Targets and Kohls and CVS and Walgreens at my disposal. I mostly buy books at used bookstores or on Amazon, but I love a Barnes and Noble outing for coffee and browsing magazines and little impulse purchases. Walmart is 2 miles away from my house and it's open 24/7. And my neighborhood Walmart is so interesting: The person with Tourrettes that yells out sometimes, the people in full Pjs and house slippers, and the nurse practitioner that works the checkout for change compared to her nursing income, because she enjoys the social and "entertainment" aspect. Paula Deen even made a stop here..It was as I imagined the Beatles in the 1960's.

So back to finding the God moment at Walmart. Yesterday , after Zumba a sweaty red faced Pj, stopped by to pick up a prescription and visited the jewelry counter to see if they would check the size of my ring finger. Since I've lost so much weight my rings are loose and I don't want to get my wedding re-sized. I'm thinking about ordering a handcrafted ring from an Etsy shop to wear like a stacked ring. The nice lady at the jewelry counter knew her stuff and about sized it right from just looking, and we started chatting . She was happy I'd lost weight but felt bad that she wasn't doing enough to exercise and lose weight herself. We commiserated about fat tummys and all the times people assumed we were pregnant and how that was funny and upsetting at the same time. Then she shares she is undergoing chemo and radiation through July. She kept beating up on herself for her weight and lack of efforts to lose weight. She didn't look big to me at all, maybe a size 12 or 14 but I'm no judge.

This is where the lightning bolt strikes and God kind of works through us as we talk . I looked her in the eye and we talked about how she can diet another day but she needs to eat to live, rest, do whatever she feels like doing and eat what ever makes her feel good. A little of the nurse came out in me because radiation is no picnic, but the main point I wanted to make was ..Diet another day , live today. I was so impressed with the fact that she's standing on her feet working. I encouraged her to go easy on herself, but if she really feels like it start walking a little. I told her about when I was over 340 lbs I could barely walk around Walmart and considered my little poke through Walmart as big exercise in the old days. She's probably getting all the exercise she needs right now. We both commented that the conversation meant a lot to us , and it did.

She broke my heart a little , but I think it was a two way street in that we both got something from that conversation. I'd been worrying lately about the slowness of weight loss when I work so hard. Am I not exercising enough, exercising too much, too few calories, too little calories? yada yada yada. I remembered my sister who died of ovarian cancer, but who was so proud of how she looked in a photo before she lost her hair and after she had lost weight from her early chemo treatments. It was the first time she had been at her goal weight and she loved how she looked and felt for that short time.

I'm sure it's some kind of comment on society or the pressure to look and be a certain way that a person with cancer would be focused on weight and diet. Maybe it's just general body image stuff to go along with losing your hair. Or it's just easier to worry about dieting and exercise and what we all say "we should be doing" than it is to deal with the really scary stuff and the unknown. Or maybe it just feels normal and makes us all feel connected kind of like I feel connected when I go to Walmart. I will have maintained my 100lb weight loss for a year on July 4th and I know that I never want to go through this again. I want this to be permanent. I don't think I could live through regaining the weight and starting over again. Right now it's my time to diet ,and it is also time to live and be happy.

Week 11..almost done..Spring Challenge

This challenge is winding down and I have to say I am ready. I think these goals / ideas are pretty much semi-ingrained as much as they are going to be. I'm ready to work on some new goals, but I don't feel like setting or making them until we are done with this challenge. I probably will just set personal goals, but this is a good way to measure progress and learn as others go through changing habits.

1. Every day for the next 13 weeks do some kind of clean up or organizing around the house. "everyday something get's done"
still a little over whelmed"
2. Every day for the next 13 weeks eat a fruit or veggie as one of my snacks. "done and done..I like small garden salads for my afternoon snack with just a little low fat cheese added for protein to get me through to dinner which is usually after I exercise at around 6:30"
3. Listening to what my body needs and doing it. "I'm getting much better with this."
4. Not eating ANYTHING after 9 pm. " 5 out of 7 times..but I'm only eating after 9 pm if I'm really hungry"

5. Reduce artificial sweetener usage. "Done"
6. Check in every Saturday. "bettah late than nevah"
7. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself.."Zumba warrior princess"
8. Save up to buy myself a Reward at the end for making my goal..."shoppin on line as we speak"

Super sensitive raw nerve today

picture is ..not a gloomy day on tybee island

Hey ya'll it's a kind of a gloomy , muggy day here in Georgia. Isolated thunderstorms again, says the weatherman. We must have had some storms after I left to go out last night, because there are little muddy footprints in my bathtub! ???
I had a shower before I went out and one of my dogs freaks at thunderstorms and jumps in the bathtub, and the cat likes to drink my bathwater. That's what we think those footprints are. Guess who gets to clean the tub today ?

Saturdays of late have been , get up , drive-drive-drive to an early OA meeting and drive-drive-drive back to go to the gym to get to the last part of a Bodycombat class and then BodyFlow and then come home and shower and go out again. I'm just a little sore today, a little draggy, and I just watched a few minutes of the news and the pitiful oil covered birds before I had to flip the station fast after getting teary eyed. I just can't face all the driving today. I'm not wanting to face the gloom.

I promise I will spend some ME time with my OA books and with some art supplies and feed my soul today. I will not use food.

I get that way sometimes..super sensitive. I tear up at the sight of a deer lying dead on the side of a highway, or seeing family walking up to a graduation ceremony. Can't watch the news. Just one raw nerve...

Just to briefly recap this and get it over with (that's how I feel).I had the fun of going out with friends in to downtown Atlanta to eat out at a hip , downtown place. Flipburger to be exact which is famous for quality, gourmet burgers and odd milk shakes (krispy kreme flavored, turtle, and nutella / burntmarhmallow). I had planned for the calories and had over a 1000 to spend at this meal. I didn't eat all of the burger, I did have a shake and thoroughly enjoyed it, but we all got different sides and shared. Here is where we were not thinking clearly. I would never eat this way. Fried pickles, fried potatoes, onion rings , okra, and zucccini (that I thought would be healthier but wasn't. ) I was kind of stunned that I didn't think better on this..I ate probably 1 portion's worth , but uggh. I regret it. Big time. Just that I put that grease / batter / salt / then icecream in my body. yuck..yuck..yuck...I'd already walked / biked for 40 minutes that morning. We had a slow walk around IKEA where I bought cheap, plastic stuff that I'm not sure I'll really use. (looked cool at IKEA.)

Then bad ,bad dream last night...brought up lots of bad feelings and woke me up at 4:30. I feel whooped..hoping the exercise invigorates me. I will get off the sofa and go, I promise.

But knowing better, I couldn't resist seeing what the damage on the scale was. up 2 1/2 lbs since yesterday. Intellectually, I know that is just the weight of the food that I ate and fluid retention from the salt / carbs. I have to keep telling myself this. You can't gain 2 lbs of fat overnight. But I don't want that darn scale saying 230's ever again and there it is.

***Big sigh..mental shake of the head..***

My goal today is to go to the gym and do the full combat class and then flow which is a yoga/ tai chi like class. I'm drinking plenty of water. I'm drinking iced coffee. Eating my planned meals and snacks and fruit. nap if I want to. promise to do an art/ soul project and journal / read time. Watch a movie. Be easy on myself.

What are you doing?

A Girl and her Bike

PJ and FLO -just a couple of gals, Savannah, GA 05/02/2010

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like
---- Queen





Meet Flo. Actually her name is Flola, but Flo for short. This is my new bike purchased just before my vacay to Savannah in May. (And, my first 'female' bike.) Since I''m about ..maybe..5 ft 2 Flo is actually a Girls 24 inch bike. I tried and tried the size 26 womens' bikes, but these legs are short. Flo felt perfect. She has more gears then I'm used to-21 , but we are are already bonded and I'm learning how to shift better. My husband disparaged her because she was only $74 at Walmart, but he's admitted she is a sweet little ride.

Flo's name was inspired in 4 parts.




Flo the funny Progressive insurance spokeswoman with her retro makeup / hair and attitude.



Florence Nightengale-mother of nursing because I hoped she'd look out for one of her nurses from the great beyond and keep me safe on my bike*.




Finally, for a little spice..Flo Rida a Floridian ,
hip hop rapper famous for his hit "Low" which is so fun to dance to.
(I saw him on Good Morning America once and was impressed that his parents were there standing in the audience. )





And most importantly, FLOW: " To move or run smoothly with unbroken continuity"...Yes!

That is what I need-a little attitude, safety, spice, harmony-
All in my little $74 'girls' bike.





I'm a biker chick from wayyy back. My first groovy trike.
1st crash-I pulled my training wheels off my trainer bike (no name-hand me down bike) and stormed down a hill and crashed in to our dogwood tree. Minor concussion and the doc made a house call..it was the 60's. Blue hand me down bike was stolen.

Then my own first bike, a green Huffy I named Oliver William Barrett I. He was named after Ryan Oneal's preppy character Oliver Barrett IV from "Love Story". We were a team and Oliver loved the idea that I thought of him as a horse and rode him that way (cantering down grassey hills, stairs, jumping over dirt piles and truly nearly flying at times). As a pre-teen, We were nearly seperated permanently when We were grazed by a car on the way back from the corner store with a pre dinner snack of bbq potato chips and a Snickers bar. But we just had the wind knocked out of us. Oliver took me through freshman year of college and then was stolen from me. What a loss. The campus police said ..'you'll never see it again ' and they were right.......Oh Ollie, I could ride you no handed for a several blocks and turn corners no hands too.







After much time and about 60 lbs up and down later, came Oliver William Barrett III (I skipped #2). He was another green Huffy that I bought at age 33 and rode but a few times. Unfortunately, he stood rusting in the garage until last year when at losing about 100 lbs I wanted to ride. I fell off OWB III about 4 times before I'd made it around the block. Cortizone injections to both knees were required. Things were shakey , but he pulled through and we survived through a 12 mile sandy trail ride on Tybee Island last summer. I was wistfully thinking of #1 and the days of flying down hills and riding no handed and standing up,and I looked forward to more rides. Except it was a very rough ride. 5 minutes on my husbands 2009 shock absorber, padded seat mtn bike and I was thinking about two timing him, but just couldn't do it. How many more green Huffys are out there?

But I'm inspired by the blogging bikers, especially Bitchcakes and her pink coaster. Another vacation to Tybee Island / Savannah was scheduled. Waiting to the day before vacation this year and after my husband pushed and pushed, I shopped and shopped till I found Flola..Flo. A festive seat change to accommodate this "fat bottomed girl" and submitting to my husband's demand of NO "Hello Kitty Basket!" and we were on our way to Savannah. The first ride was wonderful. Riding through Forsyth Park with the scents of magnolia trees, honeysuckle, and jasmine in the shade of moss-draped oak trees. Wow. Then we were on to Tybee Island where FLo and I really hit our groove. I felt comfortable and assured of myself with Flo and thought I looked like a cool mountain biker type on the flat streets with my backpack.

Now that we are back at home, we're going on little adventures in the neighborhood. WHo knew our house was at the top of a gradual hill from ALL directions. I couldn't tell till Flo and I tried it, repeatedly. Tuesday morning I smelled real chocolate mint growing in a neighbors yard as we rode past. I passed a bull frog in a puddle. I also managed for the first time to ride up a hill versus walking it as I'd been doing for 2 weeks. Flo is getting me stronger, and we are having a blast. I'm hitting my target heart range and I'm not having to go to a gym to do it. We like early morning and late evening rides-not hot weather girls though we live in the south. We have more to see. I'm itching to get her to a park and let her go, but Gotta get the car fitted for a bike carrier first.

Bicycle -get one. Wear a helmet.

Breaking Boundaries: "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got"

As a frequent joiner / quitter of Weight Watchers I would often hear the saying-

"If you always do what you always did, You'll always get what you always got".
I think it's a great plan and I wish it worked for me, but it wasn't right for me when I joined all those times, because I really wasn't working on my own issues and relationship with food that I could really work and follow the plan.

But the motto stuck.

And everything I read about exercise and fitness and what trainers tell me is that you have to change things up, change up calories and change up exercise- frequency, intensity, type. So that is what I do. Along the way it's worked for me, because there was a time when I could eat 1900 calories a day and lose weight . Then I had to exercise more intensely. Then it was more intensely and more frequently. Then I had to eat lower calories. And it keeps on along this path. When is it ever going to end?

Along the way, it was a heck of a lot easier for me to avoid trigger places and events than to actually put myself there. At a good southern Lutheran church that I attend the motto that gets said at every eating occasion is this: " If it's in the church the calories don't count". Right. I started avoiding food occasions and eventually most of the social occasions at church because seeing the tables of food, the homemade baked goodies, just would throw me off my plan for days and days. I might or I might not eat badly at the occasion, but afterward I would suddenly fixate and obsess on foods and then eat extra calories and then ruminate over it all. That's why it takes so long for me to lose weight.

This week I stretched myself and attended the church ladies garden party because I missed the socialization. I missed the people. I had admitted to one of the matriarchs of the church that it was because of my food issues that I had stopped attending so many social occasions, and she assured me and encouraged me to go .

So I planned. I planned for the calories. I thought about my plate-it would be filled with half veggies and fruit and a portion of carbs and a portion of protein. I would let myself have possibly a small sampling of desserts if they were semi- healthy and small. I wouldn't waste calories on drinks / rolls / things I didn't like. I practiced what I would say when people inevitably commented on my weight loss and how I did it . I planned a stress relief break. I ate a salad with lowfat cheese before I went. I drank lots of water. I took my dish of fruit and cheese and low fat wheat thins. I was prepared.

And it went fine. I did just what I said I would do. I didn't get quizzed on my weight loss too badly. I didn't need the stress break. The church motto was said "calories don't count cause it's in church" as I lined up for the dessert table. I smurked. Then, I selected things from the dessert table: a little of this and a tablespoon of that and a bigger piece of what I really wanted. It was all good and I did not feel deprived. Because I chose what I really wanted. Considering there were 3 times as many things there ..that was good. I debated about having an extra smidge of cake and I cut off a thin tiny extra slice and ate it slowly. And at that point I recognized that I was full.

People were really glad I was there and told me they missed me. I went home feeling peaceful and proud. I grabbed a piece of cheese and a grape as I put up my leftovers, and I threw away the higher fat cheese spread that would do no good for me. I was done for the day on eating because I was full and satisfied. Today, I'm on my plan and feeling great about it.

It's good to break one's boundaries when it means growth.

Welcome June!

Welcome , JUNE.

A new fresh calendar page; a new start; a chance for change, hope, and new potential. It can be a beginning.

And, ok, it is clearly getting to be summer and it CAN be sticky, hot, buggy, sweaty. Because I come from the deep south, I've lived in humid, hot summers of hell. I've lived in Arizona in the summer which is dry ,super hot hell. And I've braved New Orleans in summer--buggy, sticky-hot, hello iced coffee, cajun, french quarter kind of hell.

But I'm happy for June today. There is nothing like riding a bike down a hill in a breeze, floating in a cool pool, taking that first lick of cold vanilla soft serve and then quickly licking up the melty part,. and watching that summer blockbuster at a movie theater and then walking out to blinding sun. My favorite- sitting in a dark and cool house reading a book while a summer thunder storm brews .

For me, the last couple of months brought off and on sickness, hormone surges, doctor appointments and more change than I had expected. So I welcome the newness of June.

Happy to report: weight is at 229..I've actually been back and forth 226 to 228 for the last week or so. Today is weigh day and it's 229. Oh well. I had a steak this weekend, I ate a cookie, I had ice cream, I grilled burgers yesterday and ate "cheesburger in a bowl" (thanks Loretta). I 'm totally ok with all that.

Measurements are not changing much but down a little. But my clothes are looking much bigger and looser even in the last few weeks. Eh, go figure. Everytime I compare it startles me and makes me proud and inspired.

June 2010 For contrast my beginning #s 12/2006
bust 49 ------------------ bust 66
hips are down to 54 1/2,----- hips-66
waist 42 1/2, ------------- waist-56
arms 17.5, --------------- arms-20
thighs 25 3/4. -------------- thighs 33
Wt 229 -------------- wt 345