PJ 's in Public and super quick fly by

Getting ready for vacation.
Stopped by to say that as usual I saw some one in full pjs with house slippers at Walmart...again. They were not this cute but similar. It amazes me. Now I luvs my pjs, and I do wear certain PJ pants out in public because they kinda look like real clothes..but I draw the line when it is obviously pjs with house slippers. However, I did suggest the PJ DAY at work several years ago and we all came head to toe and ready for bed...good times.

Tummy issues this morning -yesterday was great!..I don't get it, saw pcp, have ultrasound planned for my return unless things get worse and I end up in the hospital in Savannah. Hoping not. At least it's confirmed...not pregnant.

Packing , cleaning-dog sitter coming, laundry..see ya

It's Like Having 9 lives...stream of consciousness on this food addict's journey

Ok. this is not a "crazy cat lady blog." Yes, that is my kitty .."Yella Kitty" --AKA Mr Mellow Yellow and "the boy" who is looking out my home office window and checkin out the birdys on a snowy day last month. chipmunk murderer though. :( ... but he loves me and is snuggling his head against my arm while I blog now. and he is kinda inspiring me in a weird way.


I was commenting on Lyn at Escape from Obesity's sitehttp://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/ and realized I wanted to post this here at home. So I copied it over and then embellished a little.


I had my gyn appointment today and the nurses who hadn't seen me since Fall 08 (bad girl, I missed a year) recognized that I 'd lost a lot of weight . One ran down the hall to comment and congratulate me. Wow, I had not expected that. I was all wrapped up in my weird tummy symptoms which were giving me a wicked cramp at that moment. So anyway... Since I'd skipped a year, I'd lost 70 lbs and more inches since the staff had seen me last, and they were all so nice and encouraging. When I was + 300 lbs I did not really want to get noticed or have anyone mention anything about my body. YES, over 300 lbs and I wanna be invisible.....

They all asked how did I do it? My response: " Exercise, more hours and more strenuous than you would imagine, and oh, just counting calories".

So much harder to explain the reality:

Blood , sweat , and tears, and it takes a lot more time than the folks on tv and magazines do it in.

Then, there's this:
...Shame.....anger....addiction...binges....lots of last suppers/lots of Mondays...weight watcher tracker cards......resolve....OA...points... hope...excitement..planning.....starting over...lots of different diet plans....starting over....gastric Bypass websites...resolve...hope .....starting again.....journaling.....giving it over...having an ice cream cone on occasion and being ok about it...cardio, cardio , cardio......weight training.....stretching...therapy...more cardio.....heavier weights......calorie counter books.....resolve...starting over...fat counters, carb counters...Richard Simmons...Biggest Loser...hope..resolve..,,overcoming fears...hitting bottom...building back up....cardio, cardio, yoga, weight training...kickboxing, zumba, pilates........tylenol extra strength, motrin, prescription for celebrex.........ahhh.......therapy....journaling feelings and hunger levels....
....ice packs to knees....owwwie.....lots and lots of h20.....long long epsom salts baths.....journaling ....praying...weighing....measuring.....blogging....reading..... taking a breather every once in a while..... obsessing.....despair.... giving up....giving..in.......hanging..in......losing...gaining....losing......plateauing...plateauing.....plateauing...depression...Prozac.....therapy.....losing inches not pounds....new clothes...plateauing...."muscle weighs more than fat"...sadly donating old clothes...loose skin...body image issues....letting go....STARTING OVER , alot ......again and again and again....Peace...balance..a blip...a slip....victory- again and again.....forgiveness...hope...grace

At least that has been some of MY PATH. I know it's a lifetime journey and will always need to change as I do to be effective.

(Oh, doc had no answer for my multi system symptoms. Told me to go to the er if I have a temp or nausea or vomiting..duh ..that's what I said. Lab work is being processed as we speak though and it seems I may have a UTI..WHA??? not the symptoms I was having before ..but yeah, now that you mention it..maybe...If tummy hurts tomorrow, I'm calling my primary doc. Tired of eating soup and crackers. Time to think about a cat scan or a colonoscopy in my future)

(Ok, this is live blogging here..I've got the tv on in the background and a cat meowed on tv. My kitty is dreaming and he meowed in response in a sleepy, dreamy little kitty kinda way ..how cool is that? and now one of my dogs came up on the sofa to snuggle her butt against the kitty's)

Did I say my vacation just started?

Quick Fly By

My husband is a nut for pirate talk..argh!...military speak,' guy co' speak which is what I call guy-type comedy movies like --Airplane, Monty Python, Jim Carey's "Pet detective" and "Cable Guy". He also is in to old Agatha Christie Movies and various other things. I quote tv like the Sopranos or Star trek, 80's songs and movies, as well as bits and pieces from my own family heritage which is Jewish and southern bell and redneck country girl. So "our language" is sprinkled with all of the above as well as in the voices and mindsets of our pets. Weird and funny and maybe goofy. but us.

So the quick fly by is military speak for today . today is my last work day for the week and then begins vacation until 5/7. I have a few days at home to get things done and appointments and then off to savannah and the beach. So, I've been up since 6 something a.m. working. Stopped by to say "Greetings earthlings".

Tummy is slightly sore but feels almost healed today, so far. Yesterday, I had all the symptoms of appendicitis, cholecystitis, Diverticulitis, and a urinary tract infection though all of this was mild compared to the day before and the day before that. If my temperature had gone up or I had become nauseated, I was heading to the hospital. I know these symptoms because I assess people every day with them, and mine were just below the point that needed medical attention. ( I ran it by another nurse friend and she concurred ) . Today , I have my md appt and will gladly let her make her decision and curse me if I should have come in earlier. As a nurse, I'm very afraid of going to the hospital and surgery would have to be if it were the only last hope . that is not a joke, folks. seen too much. nurse for 26 years.

Week 5 Spring Challenge update

A song I heard this morning for probably the 100th time but just HEARD the words for the first time. here are just a few of the lyrics

"GET BACK UP" by Toby Mac
"....We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up, get up,
You gonna shine again,
Never too late to get back up again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever
[May be knocked down but not out forever] ..."
"This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken,
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken
This is love callin'.
This is love callin', love callin',
I am so broken
This is love callin' love callin"

I just liked the message//wanted to share.


I'm sorry I'm late on my updates, but Saturday I was just not in the frame of mind to do an update, Sunday I was sick, and this is first chance I've had.

I should tell you that in times when I'm low and sad I come up with little projects to pull me up. For April, I created a mini colorful poster with my goals on it and posted it up in my work office. I had added on there that I would do the food bank 3K walk as a goal and everyday I would look at that and vacillate on whether I would or could do it. I did it. So this little poster trick helps me everyday remember to do my goals. And boosts me up when I see I've done them. And it was a good conversation piece for my husband and me.

Here are the goals I'm working on.

1. Every day for the next 13 weeks do some kind of clean up or organizing around the house. This will help my self esteem and overall outlook on life and life itself. We are all different on this journey and I'm a procrastinator. I would rather exercise, read, or watch tv than clean.
2. Every day for the next 13 weeks eat a fruit or veggie as one of my snacks.
3. Listening to what my body needs and doing it.
4. Not eating ANYTHING after 9 pm.
5. Reduce artificial sweetener usage.
6. Check in every Saturday.
7. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself
8. Save up to buy myself a Reward at the end for making my goal


GOALS Update
#1-Clean up / Organization...somedays I got at least one thing done. other days I got lots of stuff done, multiple projects, on Sunday when I was sick I even washed dishes but that was it. This is going along and something I'm going to keep doing.

#2 yes--love fresh fruit

#3 I'm listening and doing. Slept most of Sunday and still got sleepy Sunday night watching tv..how can that happen? things got wacky with food Saturday and I wasn't listening too well.

#4 not perfect, progress

#5 I've had a lifelong love of the pink packet sweetners and have been trying to wean off this and make the switch to truvia or any other 'more natural ' artificial sweetner. sorry folks, it just tastes better with my pink stuff. bought another box last night.

#6 well........


#7 One thing I like about myself...hmmmm...soooo much easier to come up with those things that I do not like or that I would like to change.

This morning I opened a new bag of my beloved Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla coffee. I took almost a full minute to savor and breathe in the smell and then thanked God for this.

Still here and with a tummy ache

Weekends are tough for me. Not as structured. More opportunity for me to go off track for some reason. I'm working on adding Overeaters Anonymous back to my life and going to a meeting on Saturdays, but that means quite a drive to get to an early morning meeting. OR a superlong drive to get to later meeting. I need to get my act together and just go. Excuses...excuses.. Some Saturdays, I may spend time with a friend or I may not. The Saturdays I want to stay in and get things done at home or watch a movie are the ones that go south.

This weekend was stormy on Saturday. I woke up late. I hung around the house and watched a movie I like starring Cate Blanchett "The Gift". Spent time obsessing on vacation planning for Savannah and Tybee Island next weekend. My food addict wants to look up restaurants and menus , but I'm not gonna. Then to get out of the house, I went PJ shopping and got some cute ones on sale at Kohls. :)

I reached out to my husband because I was jonesing for a choc chip muffin. Maybe I need to ask someone else. His theory is have it, so you'll stop obsessing . I had it . I'm no longer obsessing, but it's 400 calories I wished I had not had. I think the vacation planning set up the obsessive thinking that my food addict is in tune with , so I think that's what happening there. Later at home, Movies watched with husband: Moon and Terminator Salvation. Moon was better hands down.

Sunday , was rough. Woke up sick ,nauseated, tummy troubles and slept much of Sunday. One of my dogs was my own personal heating pad and slept with me most of the day. I did manage to get up, ate a little bit, washed dishes, bubble bath, read most of this book Geneen Roth's "Women Food and God:An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything". I could relate , but probably need to re read some of it.

So weekend in summary. Had and Felt some Emotions-check. Ate and numbed out some emotions-check. Trying to communicate with husband -check. Desire to eat things I normally wouldn't-check. Actually ate things--just a little . Blogging-No, I didn't do any or read any..I've got catch up on blogs. Highlights of the weekend were watching the movies with my husband, Ruby, Pacific, good coffee, and reading. I finished one book Peter Benchley's "The DEEP" and the Geneen Roth book. Slept--check check.

Today, I checked my weight for the hellofit--down 3 lbs from saturday. And today, I'm having just plain old abdominal pain. Probably diverticuar disease, but not what I'm going to my doc for on wednesday. I've got a gyn appointment on Wednesday and looking forward to getting some answers on some of my symptoms and the possibility of some hormonal issues that need to be checked out. I want to go to zumba class tonight , but I can't imagine zumbaing with my tummy hurting. o well..must listen to what my body is saying.

Letting Go.......

Early this morning I was going to write a post about Letting Go because I have a few issues with this going on right now as does my husband. Mostly I have trouble letting go of clothes that are too big and little odds and ends and minutia of life that remind me of the past. I'm not at "hoarders" level, but close I guess. I need to go buy new pjs, my husband said so. But that means giving up the ones I love that are so comfortable, but are really huge. Some are sized 32 or 30. I'm in around an 18-20 now.

But then all Hell broke loose in my neighborhood. I'm lucky to work at home and my computer desk is right next to a window facing the front of the house, so I have both pleasant and needed distractions. Sirens blaring, every fire truck and EMS responder vehicle in our community drove by heading down deep in to our neighborhood. I said a prayer and kept working. Then more trucks came. More trucks came. 8 fire trucks alone and various other trucks / cars. This is big.

So, I ventured out in my pink striped Pjs and slippers to walk to the neighbors yard which gives a better view down the street. A woman driving by stared at me with mouth open wide in shock and horror. Whether it was me in my 4 size too big pjs or the fire truck commotion I don't know. Yes, there was smoke not going up but going out in to the cul de sac. One of my neighbors said he'd go check it out. I decided, heck, I'll go walk at least to my corner to get a better look, but threw on some real clothes first. By this time a policeman was stationed at the corner to keep unnecessary cars and gawkers out. He confirmed there was a house fire, no casualties or injuries, but because it is windy there is concern about it spreading. OH my.

Now the immediate crisis seems to be over, several trucks have left. The policeman is still guarding the corner. I might walk the dogs down there later for our daily walk if he and everything is cleared out to see what the damage is. I wonder if the people who live there are at work and don't know or if they are there. I'd be willing to donate or provide funds for them if needed. So I'll definitely check it out.

When a crisis happens like Katrina or a flood happens and people lose homes and belongings, I always go through my big girl clothes and donate something. Because I know that one of those victims might need them, I just always wish I could directly donate to other obese people.

It made me think about my little letting go issue. In the big scheme of things it's just stuff or just things that I think are important. What if it were all gone? What if it were taken from me in a fire? I've always said, the whole place could go up or be robbed-I could lose the stuff. Just keep my animals, husband and me safe. I know I mean that. But it must not be 100%. Something to work on.

I WILL go through my stuff and pull out things that are too big or never worn and donate them this weekend.

**addendum 1:08 pm--took our walk and fortunately there doesn't appear to be a lot of damage to the house as I'd expected. I thought I'd find a shell of a house, but scorched walls / hole in the roof / open windows is all you can see from the street. Whew! good for them.

3K Done!

Yep, Finally . Fears , overcome. Got the t-shirt. I did a 3K. And yes, this food addict walked to support a food bank, ironic.

Actually, I walked it with a friend. She has fibromyalgia and with my still 230ish lbs / bad knees and hips we did good to do the 3K. We talked the whole time, cheered on the 'for real' runners doing the full 5K as they ran by, sweated, and finally finished in 34.29 minutes. I was so relieved to not be last coming in. Although we were the last of the walkers through most of the course.

Oh, and I was also the Nurse for the 5K. I was a last minute replacement for the nurse who had initially volunteered. So I walked with cell phone in hand, first aid kit on standby and ready to be picked up and taken to any fallen victim if need be. I was just glad I wasn't the fallen victim. Everyone was safe and sound.


I've wanted to do a 5K. It's a fear to actually do this..be in public and exert myself. Years of being the fat girl with the red face at PE in school have burned it's mark in me. Also, I did one walk before ..a 12 mile walk for the March of Dimes. I thought I was going to die. I was a kid-I didn't hydrate properly.

But I knew it was something to work on and to overcome now. Something I could never ..NEVER have done physcially or mentally at 345lbs.

I can do a 5K on the treadmill in just at an hour at a slog==slow jog / walk. I've been slogging intervals for many months though I can only run continuously for about 8 minutes. I'd started training for a 5k with weekly treadmill trials, but the one time I did a 5k outside at a park nearly did me in. My bad knee which has many bone spurs and is slated for a replacement within the next few years..just didn't like it...Too many hill variations I'm guessing which the treadmill program didn't actually simulate so well. It took me a good two weeks of pain and having to baby the knee to get back to my usual workout regimens.

Also, I'd spent a lot of time researching to find a 5k that I thought I could do and that meant something to me. There were many that seemed cool and doable , but I was too freaked out about it. I felt I needed a partner or at least a cheering / personal first aid squad. As each weekend went by for the last 2 months and the dates for the 5Ks I'd nearly signed up for went by I'd been having more bouts of depression and food-using behavior. Self esteem points dropped big time.

But then I saw that my church was sponsoring a 5K fun run. I kinda chuckled though I still wasn't sure about doing it alone. It was a Fun Run to benefit the local community food bank that my church sponsors. I knew that It was something I had to do. It felt like God kinda said, "here it's right at your doorstep, it's for people and a place you know and support, it's being put on by your church, get over it and get it done..girl." Yes, I sometimes imagine God talking to me that way.

And I did it. My knee and hip hurt all day afterwards. Much tylenol, coffee, and shopping was used to take care of that. all better today.





I was also a little freaked by being asked to be the nurse, because I've been more on the administrative / managerial side of nursing for years. But I remembered that I am REALLY good in emergencies. I think I'm actually more clinically knowledgable now then I was as a hospital nurse. Cool, calm , adrenaline pumped and collected when I need to be...slap an Iv in a person having a seizure or lift up a man / throw a cpr board behind his back and start cpr alone in 2 minutes kinda good.I recently witnessed a multi car accident and just automatically pulled over. By the time I got to the accident, I didn't have to really do much for anyone. But it was still there. And that little trip down memory lane boosted the morale also.

So will I do a 5K? I'm thinking as more weight comes off and if the knee is holding up I might. I'm not ready yet, I know that . But it felt good. Damn good to do what I did. These are the little victories.

Spring Challenge Week 4 update==roller coaster..of love..

Week 4....Wheeeeee!! this is me on the roller coaster ...AHHHHH going up a hill...ohhhhhh heading for bottom...Wheeee!!!....back up the hill...!!!!!

Ok folks the ride is over . please be careful to collect your belongings as you exit the coaster..............

Here are the goals I'm working on.

1. Every day for the next 13 weeks do some kind of clean up or organizing around the house. This will help my self esteem and overall outlook on life and life itself. We are all different on this journey and I'm a procrastinator. I would rather exercise, read, or watch tv than clean.
2. Every day for the next 13 weeks eat a fruit or veggie as one of my snacks.
3. Listening to what my body needs and doing it.
4. Not eating ANYTHING after 9 pm.
5. Reduce artificial sweetener usage.
6. Check in every Saturday.
7. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself
8. Save up to buy myself a Reward at the end for making my goal


GOALS Update
#1-Clean up / Organization.
Got a lot done. We had a television repair man come out, so we had to clean , throw away and organize....at least in the living room...also did a fair amount of laundry, kitchen cleaning, and clothing sorting for the purpose of donating the fat clothes.

#2 ate fruit or veg as snack daily. every day but today

#3 Did better on this than previously. I usually fight myself and try to stay up too late..It's that little kid in me that wanted to stay up to watch the Tonight show with Johnny Carson. Only did that once this week while writing a post. Otherwise, did more at gym when I had energy and did less at gym when I had less energy. Soaked in epsom salts with I ached. Took pain meds when I needed...

#4 At least twice I was so busy I actually ate dinner later ..right after 9..working on this one..

#5 yes moving along well..I've had coffee without sweetner a couple of times because it was such good coffee with cream that it was a distinct pleasant flavor on it's own

#6 yes

#7 One thing I like about myself...I'm fairly generous and I'm very sensitive about homeless people, especially the elderly. When I find I can't donate my time, or skills to a cause..I'm there with the checkbook. I'm not perfect. Not rich. Not totally altruistic. But I give of my earnings where it is needed--church, homeless shelters, food banks,Red Cross, whatever. I've felt so guilty when I didn't give people money who asked for it on the street. I've had a few great conversations with people I have given money to.

Back in my early 20's a friend and I were stuck in a city once with little money and a brokendown car which we slept in for a couple of days and washed in the gas station bathroom , while repairs were being completed. I could have, gotten money wired, yes. I could have begged. But I figure the back of my car was fancier digs than many sleep in. And I remember wanting to go up to strangers.. "normal , nice people" because I just wanted to go take a shower at their house. I remember that feeling and the shame I felt whenever I see people asking for money.

8. I kinda spent a little money today..large donation to food bank..target for toiletries, a book at barnes and nobles and bath and body works (berry vanilla, mmm_

starting fresh , again , every minute.

Pick yourself up, Dust yourself off, and Start all over again.....

"It's not about how you fall down, but how you get up ."

"If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through"

"Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success."

"If you fall down 7 times, get up 8."

"People Fall Down But Winners Get Up"

"Failure is the tuition you pay for success."

We do it time and time again. Make a plan. Do a plan. Succeed. Fail. Start all over again.

Sometimes we get stuck somewhere in the process. Stuck at the making. Stuck at the doing. Hopefully, stuck at the succeeding. Sometimes, we fail. And gracefully, if we fail, we can start over.


Falling , literally falling is not something I'm a stranger to. I have poor balance. Well, My center of gravity is a little off, folks. Big girl , here.

There were the countless biking accidents as a child or the time I fell in dog poop in grade school at recess. The time I slipped in a mud puddle, wearing white pants and in front of a boy I had a crush on in junior high. Broken bone #1 while playing volleyball in high school . The sprained ankle from an angry and huffy flounce out of my friend's house who I had just found nearly having sex with my boyfriend. Fainting and toppled on the floor while working as a nurse in my 20's. Tripped on the way to orientation at a new job and broke bone #1 for the second time. Walked out of a great massage / chiropractic session and fell down 4 stairs (well, I did feel like I was walking on clouds and who knew there were stairs there anyway)......I'm at about age 30 at this point in our story..just 17 more years to go so far and oh so many more actual falls I could tell about.


And the other things where I failed. There was that D in math..oh the one in 6th grade or the one in college? The time I was failing at philosophy in college which was a prerequisite for nursing school and wrote the teacher a note on the final exam about why I needed to pass though I knew my grades sucked. He passed me. And as a nurse later on, How many Iv's did I not get started on the first try? What about the old days when I got in to credit card debt?

AND HOW MANY DIETS? How many times have I joined Weight Watchers? How many Mondays? How many "last suppers". "last weekends"...

So hopefully, you get the point. I'm not beating myself up.

I visited blog land and my own blogville, and I marveled at how we all have the tenacity to pick ourselves up, dust our selves off , and start all over again. I know I've done it time and time ( and time and time ) again.....

That's why I like all the one line sayings like "One day at a time" "Progress not perfection" "Keep on Keepin On"...they give me strength and hope and remind me that I'm not alone. Someone else thought those up. Someone else needed those sayings. Lots of someone elses say those sayings everyday.

I can't always see it. I get stuck in the muck ...get tunnel vision..get weighed down by shame, fear, sadness, grief, anger, no feelings, too many feelings.

That little walk down memory lane of my little fall history cracked me up but reminded me of this journey. The journey we are all on to be healthy or to be free from our addictions or our depression or our whatever that is holding us back.

I got through all of it. It's my history. It's made me , me. It's funny and tragic and sad and typical and spectacular.

Bottom line. I get back up . I start over.

The benefits of journaling..blogs and my own.

Thank you all for your comments and support. It really means a lot to me and really helps me...you have no idea.

My appointment with my nutritionist last night helped me to see how really unusually depressed I've been as well as basically riding a rollercoaster of emotional highs anpd lows. She thinks my upcoming gyn appointment is an excellent idea because it might be connected there as well. She suggested it is up to me if I want to do the 7 day a week delivery meal plan versus the 5 day a week. I'm still thinking about that. The great thing about journaling your food, your feelings, everything..is that you can take it to a professional and show them the course of your thinking / feelings / and actions. She can go ."look at this ..this isn't you!..that's the old you..something isn't right." I mean I am on Prozac but the idea of checking in to a rehab was looking pretty good the other day. Structure and support.

We both agree I have the knowledge and ability to create equally healthy and nutritious and appropriate food. I don't like to cook. I can cook some things really well and others..not so..My husband is a fast food fanatic..he doesn't like my healthier cooking. When I'm on my own cooking / preparing planning, the old me would tend to get in to habits of eating the same thing, obsessing, eating more than I need, eating more fast food, and acting very impulsively with food. So this meal plan which is fresh food prepared locally provides a great structure for me. I don't have to think as much about food. It's almost a safety net in a way. I have better success at maintaining / losing weight by doing this because it is proportioned appropriately --is balanced nutritionally. At times I feel guilty as it seems like a luxury, but at other times it kinda sucks when my dinner is grilled chicken , wild rice, carrots and all I really want is a burger or a taco salad. So I'm holding off on making the change to 7 days a week versus the 5 I do now. When I'm in my usual mindset on the weekends I plan my food and enjoy the variety of it. When I'm depressed or wanting to eat outside of my calorie range , it's not pretty.
It doesn't help my calorie deficit.

http://www.goodmeasuremeals.com/
.

Looking Me Up and Down

So this was a kinda yuck day for me. But I think it's becoming a turning point day too. I tried to explain it to my husband. I'm really depressed. Pms-ing. clearly it's emotional or hormonal or neurochemical or all of the above. I've even considered..Am I pregnant? But I seriously doubt that. I couldn't tell why exactly I was so depressed.

The day started with a workout with my trainer , and I've been working out with her for almost a year now and I think I need to stop. I need to do something different. I need more inspiration and motivation. I rarely attend her sculpt classes because I get kind of irritated in there. I hate knowing that a decision I make effects someone's financial picture, but I have to change what I'm doing. I told her I was starting to get burned out, but I didn't say anything else yet and signed up for another month. Then , I weighed today.. Because I have to see my nutritionist tomorrow and I weigh on the days I see her, I wanted a preview. ERGH..back in the 230's. It was a 4 cookie weekend.

So here's where I sunk to the depths...... and then I started to pull myself out. This is a short synopsis of my day. I was working also through all of this. I stared in to space. I journaled. I read my meditation books. I journaled. I prayed. I walked the dogs. I prayed. Ok, in there I was working too. I was feeling like a bad worker.I surely didn't deserve the raise they gave me. I was beating up on myself. I had lunch and it was a big healthy gorgeous salad, but then I had a little run in with some crackers and then some peanut butter and then a fiber bar, 4 herheys kisses and peanut butter. Then I had that voice telling me "just go get what you want- that muffin at Dunkin Donuts " or even better" go to Sonics and get a sundae." I prayed some more. I held my Peace rock which is a smooth rock with Peace carved in to it. I felt that it focused me and that it gave me peace and strength. And after a while things got better.

Then I went back and forth on should I go to Kickboxing?? or should I skip it? Can I do it? or if I go, I can get that Sonic sundae on the way home. I went to Kickboxing because I knew It would tap me in to my self esteem, and I'd get pulled out of my funk in there.

It worked. Kickboxing rocked and then I rode the recumbent bike at high speed for a half hour. Sweatin. Feeling stronger. I talked to my husband and agreed upon a scoop of sugar free fat free ice cream from Brewster's and went to get some for both of us before going home. Standing in line, a tween girl looked me up and down head to toe which I saw out of the corner of my eye. I imagined her thought was "Look at that fat woman". Now unbeknown to me, my sweet husband had pulled up and was parked nearby and saw this too. I could have looked at her and looked her up and down in return. I didn't change my order or react at the time. But it bothered me. If I didn't have my husband's feedback I would have given her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she just liked my sweaty workout clothes. Rigght.

What would she have thought when I was 345? Those looks happened a lot more frequently then.I don't want to go back there, and with the recurring bad dreams and then "bad days" I'm scared I'm going to be heading back there. What I think is that I'm at a smaller weight, having feelings and memories that I'd never had before and stuck in dealing with some issues.

So while watching the Biggest Loser, as usual, I connected with someone on the show. *Victoria. I've been beating up on myself. I'm also in a rut. And it is holding me back.

I told my husband about an episode of Ruby where she goes to Australia and hired a trainer to work with her for her week there and that she lost 13 lbs that week. I haven't lost 13 lbs in 9 months. We talked about the trainer thing. He's 100% behind me either getting another trainer or going to a new gym. There are not a lot of trainers at our gym and I've got a few issues with the gym--the people that work there don't work out-they smoke outside- they eat fast food at the desk. I really like some of the classes and the proximity of our gym, but another gym about a 15minute drive from us had newer and better equipment and much more variety and numbers of classes. And more trainers when I'm ready to do that.

So I'm getting excited (and scared) about making a change. Just like when I changed from Curves to a "real" gym. I'm also willing when I talk to my nutritionist to take her advice which I think might be to shift to my meal delivery plan 7 days a week for all food / snacks for a while as I work on what is going on with me emotionally that I've been acting out with food. It's only been the last couple of months that it has really become a recurrent problem.

So long story. But that little look at least brought my husband and me in to some conversation that helped me see it's time . Time to change.

Kiss and flowers

As in "Keep it simple, sweetie" ---some more. I try to junk things up some times..I'm just reminding myself to keep it simple. bottom line,..I'm pretty stoic. I don't even know what I'm feeling sometimes. My therapists is always asking me where I feel emotions and I just look at her blankly.

Now I am not kidding about this. I signed on to the work computer today and within 20 minutes was given a raise. Not kidding. An unexpected raise. It took me a few hours to realize how much I have to be greatful for and to shake myself a little.

I forget to have that "attitude of gratitude". I forget how to pull my self up out of the crap mire. I let myself wallow a little this weekend. For me , going to the gardening section at Walmart or Home Depot is an easy fix but one I forget. I think more along the lines of cookies.

So today , I have to go to the grocery store after zumba. But first. I'm going to Walmart's gardening section and just walk around and be thankful and surprised by the wonders. And I will buy a little something too. If I have to go every day this week I will. climbing out of the crap..again..

KISS

Keep it Simple Stupid..she says to herself.Oh wait, that doens't sound kind enough . How about ..Keep it simple, sweetie.

The weekend started out promising except for some 'lady' symptoms Friday that put me to bed for a nap after work was done rather than to the gym or on a walk. I had food , exercise, fun, work planned. Friday night--bad dreams . I looked back over the other rough weekends that I'd had. Bad dreams seemed to precipitate that too. I know my unconcious is telling me something. I have recurring dreams and they are fairly symbolic and lately they are really ticking me off.

The result was just a kind of rough Saturday and Sunday. I feel like I missed the weekend. Because I'm not entirely eating / binging to my food addicts' hearts content, My body is expressing this stress and overload of emotions in other ways. TMJ. This just started happening in Feb of last year. Episodes of severe jaw/teeth/neck/head pain. I have to take a little valium which is a muscle relaxer and lie down when this happens. I have a special "bit" that i need to sleep with , and I guess I'm gonna have to buckle down and use that thing tonight.

I didn't do anything that was planned( and I really wanted to). I ate too much and for the wrong reasons. I did finally journal out the dreams and my feelings. I did walk the dogs yesterday and will again today when I finish this. Reading blogs today reminded me, that I have no choice. This is the only life I have. Food isn't fulfilling me. I just have to keep going. I want to fix that part of me that lets herself get off track. I'm really not likeing the bat wings on my arms and the turkey gobble of a neck I have. I can not change that . Gaining weight back ..aint an option.

Keep it Simple , Sweetie. go for a walk tonight. Go to the store and fix healthy sloppy joes / grilled asparagus / baked french fries. Watch tv. Read. Go to bed.
Start over again in the morning.

Spring Challenge Update--wk 3

Week 3...Bu-Bye Glad it and weekend are ovah! or nearly ...Eyore is in the house.

Here are the goals I'm working on.

1. Every day for the next 13 weeks do some kind of clean up or organizing around the house. This will help my self esteem and overall outlook on life and life itself. We are all different on this journey and I'm a procrastinator. I would rather exercise, read, or watch tv than clean.
2. Every day for the next 13 weeks eat a fruit or veggie as one of my snacks.
3. Listening to what my body needs and doing it.
4. Not eating ANYTHING after 9 pm.
5. Reduce artificial sweetener usage.
6. Check in every Saturday.
7. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself
8. Save up to buy myself a Reward at the end for making my goal


GOALS Update
#1-Clean up / Organization.
This was just not a stellar week for me. I do think I probably did something each day , but I'm not making headway with the bigger projects (by this I mean organize the stuff piled up on the dining room table, or really clean the bathroom). I'm keeping at it.

#2 ate fruit or veg as snack daily. Yes but also had a crappy last 2 days food wise and I wouldn't say we could define these 2 days as having meals or snacks exactly.

#3 Yeah, kinda.

#4 ok this got blown twice this week entirely.

#5 yes , working on reducing the sweetner

#6 checked in ...oh on Sunday

#7 One thing I like about myself. I like that I am a patient person. I'm especially a patient fellow driver on the road. I don't scream or get agitated or honk or get vengeful when people do stupid things on the road. I imagine that it's possible that person is having a crap day, got screamed at by a boss, may be worried about a sick loved one, may be facing bankruptcy and really upset over it, may have to go to the bathroom really bad , so is acting like a fool. Something crappy is going on with that person that they are pre-occupied or really rushing urgently out of necessity. I know, maybe I'm too kind. But I think I've been in some pretty crappy emotional mindsets while driving , so I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt.

8. I'll stick another Iou in the jar, but I docked myself a little. I could have done better.

starting fresh , again , tomorrow.

nerd day thursday

just to add--unable to post on the actual thursday. I'm getting close to what I can tell is gonna be a bad TOM. Imagine last night, I'm lying on the sofa, cold-so I'm wrapped up in my Snuggie and waiting for the Midol to kick in , my husband and I are playing RockBand --the video game where you play "guitars" to music . He's all excited because he bought the "Rock Band light show"--complete with synchronized lights, strobe lights, and fog machine. I rocked a bon jovie song, but then just lay on the sofa watching the light show...cool..... we are nerds.

Sneezin and Wheezin Wednesday

No joke. Yesterday was bad and the pollen count was in the 3000's ..today over 5000. Everything is yellowish green. My husband called me alarmed to tell me about green clouds floating in the sky (not exaggerating). It was windy and sounded like the dust bowls during the depression, and I saw the green clouds myself. Even my dogs are sneezing and yakking.

Ahh, spring.

food-doin great
work-tired, bored, busy
goof off ..uh yeah....reserved our vacation lodging. literally right next to the beach. ...tybee island , ga

To lose day tuesday

Just a busy day..and a lotta work..mended some sore feelings today ..great workouts..great snuggles with my dogs..great snuggles with my honey...definitely, Oh too many carbs and too many nuts today ,but it felt like what I needed. Not worrying about it. Drank a ton of water. Way, I mean Wayyy too much pollen in the air in Atlanta and sore throat and a nice financial investment in generic Claritin as a result....Thankful, for Bogo..buy one get one free at Publix for the generic deal. I'll be on that stuff daily for the next several weeks...Tomorrow, Work Work Work...Covering for folks out for emergency and the volume of workload is huge. Fresh start in the morning for my plan. Plenty of good in this day. There will be good in Wednesday .


Oh, and this is my new coffee mug, by the way. My celebration for breaking "the plateau"...Target has this line called Liberty of London and my mug is called Sixty. ...And that's what it reminds me of. The stuff of my childhood in the 60's. A dress I had or a headband, my best friend's bed spread, or a pillowcase. I purposefully don't shop much(except for books) because I don't need more stuff and where there is stuff there are food items I might dawdle over in those stores. Life's too short for all that dawdling. Come 8 am that mug will be full of the first cup of the day of Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla coffee.

Sometimes I like Monday!

Actually, not a bad weekend until Sunday night. Saturday, I celebrated getting in the 220's with a little shopping, A lovely and healthy lunch sitting outside at Chipotles, reading, and enjoying my animals and husband. Made a trip to Trader joes and bought a few things. It's a good thing it is far away from my house. Easter church was nice, nice lunch with hubby and a long drive in the country followed by a loonnng nap and then reading a book in the back yard.

Eh, things got dicey later on. Too personal to talk about except to say that I think working on my issues in therapy and losing weight make it difficult at times for me and for my husband. Then, I over did it on carbs..not a binge just more than I needed..nothing I'm upset over as far as food wise, but not happy that I always turn to food if there is a problem between my and my honey. Just awareness. Concern if it bounces my weight back up , but since I need to buy a new battery for my scale..I'm not going to worry about that today. Better to not beat up on me.

This morning starts over new and fresh. My previous journal ran out, so it just happens that I start with a new journal today for my eating / exercise journaling . I'm eating on my plan and doing what I need to do. I've only eaten the poor head of my choc Easter bunny and plan to extend him out several days. Zumba tonight and already a joggle-walk jog with dogs this morning.

Here's to fresh starts.

Spring Challenge--Week 2 update Saturday 04/03/10

Spring Challenge Update--Week 2

I started with just the first 5 things as weekly Goals , but then added to that after seeing Ruby's episode about 5 Things to Change..so now I have 8 goals.

1. Every day for the next 13 weeks do some kind of clean up or organizing around the house. This will help my self esteem and overall outlook on life and life itself. We are all different on this journey and I'm a procrastinator. I would rather exercise, read, or watch tv than clean.
2. Every day for the next 13 weeks eat a fruit or veggie as one of my snacks.
3. Listening to what my body needs and doing it.
4. Not eating ANYTHING after 9 pm.
5. Reduce artificial sweetener usage.
6. Check in every Saturday.
7. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself
8. Save up to buy myself a Reward at the end for making my goal


GOALS Update
#1-Clean up / Organization. I can say honestly that I've done this daily. I haven't done the big projects I want. I have done something everyday. Had I not made this as a goal, I probably wouldn't have done these little projects. I get a little overwhelmed with how much I want to do , need to do , could do, don't do. Just taking it a day at a time.

#2-Fruit or veggie snacks daily. yep. maybe this helped the weight loss. ya think?


#3 Listening to what my body needs and doing it.---Not exercising one day. Drinking extra water another day. Going to bed when I'm sleepy. HYet I can see a lot of examples in the last few days of this. But I'm the girl that tries to do too much, so this is still kind of shakey.

#4 Not eating ANYTHING after 9 pm..Ok did fine all week until tonight. I was out shopping almost all day..had fun , alone. But dinner got started late , so the dogs could get a little walk.

5. Success on the sweetner. I'm getting used to a half packet of sweetner in my coffee instead of 1 to 1 1/2


#6. Check in -done.

#7. What I like about myself? I'm starting to like hip hop music. Yeah, 47 and a staunch 80's music fan though I have various other diverse musical interests....kinda hard to imagine. But lately I've been hearing more hip hop from Zumba class and during my kickboxing class. I like it. I listen to it on the radio in the afternoon when I'm working and this helps me keep perky -dance in my chair and keep working at 4 in the afternoon when I'd kinda rather be done for the day.
But I likes it. Can't help it. I kinda like that

8. Forgot to add to the money bank. Will have to slip another IOU in . I know that I'd like a body bugg or some type of calorie burning detecto

228.0! Finally. To celebrate: Pictures!

Finally, the scale shows 228.0. Actually, it showed 228.0, 227.8 and 229.2 and was flashing in a way it doesn't normally. Then the battery in the scale went kapuT!!!!! %$&@#$!!!
(See even the scale was giving it's all for me, but couldn't believe it.)

I've had the camera sitting on the bookcase by the scale for a week, and before I could get a decent photo..that was it. I think 228 came up first and came up last , so that's the # I went with. To celebrate, today I'm going shopping. Not eating. Not a food item. Reasonable shopping.

Also, to celebrate breaking my 8 month plateau of the being at the 230's-240's I learned how to upload photos* and have finally posted photos of my husband, my animal kids, and ME!..that's me in PJs in a hammock for the first time in my life in the mountains last Fall. (I was always over the weight limit for hammocks , so this was monumental for me--even though that hammock is sagging with my boo-tay) (This photo is also on DietGirl's website , because I'm reading her book in the photo.)
I posted a question that was used on "2 Fit Chicks and a microphone' and we'd exchanged a couple of emails and she encouraged me to start a blog. I still want to keep some anonymity, so that's as good as photos of me are gonna get and my husbands face is obscured while he makes our mini annual snow couple .

My sweet animals are next. Yella Kitty--aka Buddah boy because he is super mellow, Lillie Pooter is my little black dog-my fellow food addict in the family, and that is Angel protecting her baby while lying on my pajama clad legs on Christmas morning. All animals are adopted from the street or a shelter and all have their own quirks. Angel is about 4, but is emotionally stunted and still thinks she is a puppy. Lillie is our psychic "Dr Lillie" that can come up to us or strangers and find our boo boos and start licking. kinda uncanny. The kitty-has the soul of a Rastafarian at times but is a true southern gentlemen as he likes to escort the lady dogs as they go outside to tinkle.

Happy Saturday, ya'll. Challenge update to come later.

**the thing is about me and technology, my husband is an uber computer geek. I work with computers all day at work, So I'm a little resistant to adding more technology to my life like uploading photos or fancy cell phones. err. that's why I now have a laptop, riiight.

230.0

I laughed when I weighed today . Am I ever gonna get to the 220's. Hopefully, soon.

Brain got Hijacked

Therapy / kickboxing day today. Brain got hijacked. That's what my therapist says happened to me on last Saturday when I had binge behaviors / depression. I'd been obsessing on the new spring menu for the meal delivery system I eat and not happy with some of the menu changes, I'd been obsessing over searching for a vacation -I want a cruise, my husband doesn't. My therapist the previous Thursday had suggested I should let the food addict have a treat. That started obsessions about food.

I was playing those mental games of should I ?, shouldn't I?, could I?, what could I eat? I want to eat this..or that ..or that other. 'Or, If I'm going to have something I might as well have this'....All that obsessing was keeping me from something. Wondering about the bad dreams I was having? Feeling lonely? Not getting my way about vacation. Feeling tired of the struggle? Basically, All of the above and probably more , but hard to know because I numbed out with food.

But the hijacking metaphor makes sense. I know that something took over that my rational higher self could not step in and intervene. I'm very visual..so I kinda imagine it like the graphic cartoon-like images on the CSI shows. I've been a Neurological nurse much of my career , so I kinda knew a way to think of what was happening in my brain and the neurochemicals that were releasing or reacting to put me in to addict mode. I call it my ' brain wrinkle light show. '

Sort of a flutter of neurochemicals washing through my brain to the little grooves that developed over time every time I learned to comfort myself with food. The chemical flow set up a neurochemical-flutter light show. Once I started obsessing on one thing it led to another and another until I was in full binge mode and wanted to numb out. Strobe lights flashing of neurochemicals.

How do you not let your brain get hijacked?
My therapist says once you are hijacked it's a done deal. Hopefully, you can interact with someone to pull out of that mindset. She suggests that as you become aware that it is happening and bring awareness to it each time, you'll start to be able to basically cut it off at the pass. In the meantime, I'm changing my Saturday morning routine to avoid the set up that I was in on last Saturday. I've got a green light to make a quick call to a my therapist if I get in that weird place again.

Just wanted to share..Maybe the hijack metaphor works for you.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

Here we go. Fresh month again . I likes em.

Thinking back to my last post, I wanted to share what I was considering as some more changes I could make for April. I don't want to do too many. I might resist it. Retaliate and do the reverse. Fall through . Epic Fail.

1. The Spring Challenge of doing one organizing / cleaning thing a day is one.
2. Eating a fruit or veg as one of my snacks is another.
3. Listening to what my body needs and doing it. see below.
4. Not eating ANYTHING after 9 pm.
5. Reduce artificial sweetener usage.


Listening to my body.

This might mean resting when I want to go and do, eating because I'm hungry, not eating because I'm not, whatever. Yesterday, I ate when I was truly hungry and the calories came out to about 1700. Part of me was like, 'oh you can't get the calories under 1500 like you are supposed to. How are you going to push through this plateau?" Yesterday was the 2nd day of this week's Heavy exercise days for me. I was actually hungry and enjoyed tasty nutritious food. Today my weight is down. I actually got really tired in Zumba last night. I 'd realized during the Sculpt class that I probably should have skipped it because I was too sore from Tuesdays' exercises. I used up my juice basically and half way through Zumba (which I love and would have preferred to have done) my battery wound down. So I had to go home early. A quick dinner, a long epsom soak bath and my muscles did feel better and I was in bed by 10 pm (which is kinda early for me ) and asleep in 1 minute.

So here we go April. What do you have in Store?

Weight 230.8. Back at the plateau breaking number that I was already at once in March , but my little girls weekend of unlimited free food and drink options and last weekend's little binge backed that # up for a while.