It's been a pretty good day. Not perfect. Never perfect. Progress.
For those of us that watch Ruby it seems that it helped her to fine tune her focus by picking 5 things that are unhealthy to change in her life for healthy choices. Ruby needed prodding on some of those changes. The whole point was to get her out of her comfort zone so she could break through the barriers in her downward weight loss journey. For Ruby , she gave up her big comfy 'fat' chair, gave up diet soda for a week, added veggie juicing, changed her exercise workout and started using stairs, and put mirrors up in her house to face the reality of her body.
This made me think of What I can do to change and what I've already done to change. I sometimes kick and scream and huff and puff when I have to make changes. I had to make a lot of changes to lose 114 pounds. I sometimes feel like I've already given up enough . But that's the Food addicted side of me.
I can't give up or change ENOUGH. This is Life and Death stuff.
I'm still working on thinking of what else I can do to change. But I thought it would help me to look back on and feel good about some of the changes I've already made. And then look at where I can make a change and stick with it.
Exercise is my self esteem builder and what works well in my 'program'. Though the SCALE doesn't show it, my body does show the effects of this work. Exercise is toning muscle, burning fat, making me feel stronger and building up my stamina. Not to mention mood booster. I'm slipping in to smaller clothes and clothes I just got a few months ago are loose. I couldn't always do this but in the last month I've gone from 1 "Heavy day " to almost 3 each week.
A Heavy day is doing 2-3 hours of exercise a day (not exactly Biggest Loser levels). I could barely do Curves when I was 345 or walk a mile or do 5 minutes on the elliptical, so all those changes I've made in the last couple of years have added up. I also do a lot of spontaneous exercise, meaning I just do it. Dancing in my chair while I work or lifting weights , squats while the tea kettle boils, abdominal "crunches " while driving, parking far from the grocery store door, walking around Walmart and taking longer versus shorter routes. Whatever I can think of.
But back to the Heavy days....
Tuesday is the first of my 3 "heavy days" I have each week--which means 2 plus hrs of exercise =more intense than usual daily exercise.
Wt training in the morning, dog walking mid day, kickboxing at night and I followed it with recumbent bike for 20 minutes tonight..right at 2 hrs. I 'm talking sweatin'
Wednesday is my 2nd heavy day ..it's also the optional day because I sometimes go to church on Wednesday nights..But if I don't go to church: Dog walk in am, 1 hr sculpt class, 1 Hr Zumba.
Thursday is #3..(unfortunately these days are all back to back because I'm using classes at the gym to build the heavy days.) Dog walk in am, Pilates, Kickboxing, additional 20 minutes cardio.
The rest of the week is cardio, wt training, dancing, walking, resting, soaking in epsom salts, more sculpt if I'm really good, more Zumba. Tylenol extra strength.
This is the girl that couldn't /wouldn't exercise for years. Too lazy. Too busy. Too embarrassed. Too tired. Then just Curves 3 times a week. Then adding a few walks. Then adding more walks. Then realizing that Curves wasn't doing it for me and I would have to exercise in a "real" gym and then "in front of men" and then in a class and in front of other people with a trainer.
Classes at the gym and one on one workouts were hard for me to do. I was scared and embarrassed. I think it took me about 7 months of going to the gym to get the nerve up to talk to a trainer about one on one sessions and then to actually go to a class. But these classes push me beyond what I think I can do and challenge me and then show me that I can do something and that I limit myself. I can also fall on my behind and laugh about it now. But i still don't have the nerve to do the step class or the spin class. I'm working on myself about this.
Food today was pretty good. I had plenty of fruit and veg. I was a little triggered by the Publix Breakfast fruit bread that I bought on Sunday, but I balanced it with a super healthy dinner. I could not face "Asian Salmon with soba noodles" that was my delivery meal ( my neighbor will love it.) Instead, tonight I had fresh green beans, a baked sweet potato with a few pecans and splenda and cinnamon, and about an ounce of ham (too salty) and a half a cup of low fat milk. No after dinner treat because my dinner was a treat and healthy.
Spring Challenge Update--It's a challenge These are my individualized Goals: 1. Every day for the next 13 weeks do some kind of clean up or organizing around the house. This will help my self esteem and overall outlook on life and life itself. We are all different on this journey and I'm a procrastinator. I would rather exercise, read, or watch tv than clean. (this deserves it's own blog post someday) 2. Every day for the next 13 weeks eat a fruit or veggie as one of my snacks. 3. Check in every Saturday. 4. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself 5. Save up to buy myself a Reward at the end for making my goals
Update week 1. While some may find my 2 goals kind of "..duh..I do that everyday". But for me ..it's a challenge. Goal #1..epic fail. I did quite well until Friday when work was overwhelming. I guess I could try to slide through and use work as my 'organizing', but I gotta be real. Saturday was a screw up day food wise and everything else went along with that....Sunday ehhhhh. Ok, now today Monday ..right back on track. I 'm washing out the refrigerator area by area and cleaning the fridge in general as well as laundry and dishes. Goal #2..I love fruit , but I always prefer some kind of bread/cracker/ muffin etc. This goal was met. Easier done than I thought. 3. didn't check in Saturday ..checked in Monday..duh 4. One thing I like about myself. this took a little while. I like my freckles. I didn't always like them. My face and arms are pretty much covered with freckles. 5. a few handfuls of change and a slip of paper IOU with $4 written on it plop in to the piggy bank.
I just want to hit the REWIND button. That is how I felt yesterday anyway. I have just been OFF since Friday. Food wise, exercise wise, off the plan, off my rocker , off..off..off.
I hate this feeling. Deep sigh.
Sometimes things your therapist suggest are just not right. I think my Food Addict is a big ol Addict. It might be a comforter, but it is based in crazy arse addict behavior. I'm trying to analyze what happened to get me way off track and to get me back on track.
1. Friday was end of week 1 of 2 of covering for someone who is sick at work. Volume has been exhausting. I finished Wed and Thursday's work around noon on Friday after starting early in the morning and then had ALL of Friday's work to do which took me into the night..a 10 hr day. I go crazy when I feel that behind. Somewhere during that day, I checked for the upteenth time on the website for my meal delivery system that I eat Monday through Friday to see if the new spring menu that starts Tuesday was posted. It was. I printed the menu and then obsessed. Irritated over the things I like that are on the weekend days that I can't substitute for the things I don't like on the Monday -Friday schedule.
2. Then I obsessed over the idea of having a treat that I want which is what my therapist had suggested and we talked about having a little Easter basket. The obsessing brain was activated already. I obsessed on going to the store to get something. Some how after a short gym visit, I ended up at Starbucks. I obsessed on baked goods. nothing rocked my world in the bakery section. I got a small non fat Cherry mocha and drank half. Not my thing, Thankfully. I chose to not go to the store. I saw this as a mini victory.
3. But unexplainably felt so out of sorts..I ate chickfila and a brownie for dinner. I never do that.
4. Bad dreams Friday night. Woke up knowing it was going to be a bad day. Overate at breakfast. Tried to 'phone a friend'. Friend was out of town. Tried to phone other friends. Felt like a loser that can't find friends to do anything with.(my husband works on Saturdays or else he'd have pulled me out of the sofa of despair I was in.) I'm looking up vacation options on the internet and semi obsessing on that. Meanwhile, my brain is also obsessing over what the food addict wants. Why stop at an easter basket or just one item? Why not have this from Dunkin donuts? this from here?..or that from there or ooh that would be good.?
I tried to stop but my addict wanted to numb out , eat until I wanted to sleep with a very full tummy. Which is about what I did. I didn't go out at all. I felt sick and my husband came home, brought me dinner (more fast food) so I could get it out of my system. The addict part / the shame part were strong and I didn't want to get on the web or pick up a journal or anything to break out of it.
5. Bad dreams Saturday night. Got up to go to church. Glad I went. I connected with the music. I also thought about food. my husband didn't feel like going to church,and suggested I try to go out with a friend. Again I couldn't connect with a friend. My best friend was out of town and we talked a little , but my backups were not to be found.
I know Food is not the reason I went off track but it was part of the reason. Lonely. check. The dates of a couple of the 5ks I had wanted to do have come up and gone. I'm not ready or sure that I can do it. Everytime I run for even 5 minutes, it takes me a couple of days to recover with a lot of pain. I've been feeling bad that my body is so used up and broken from my past behavior. I've also been frustrated over the weight loss. If I just had to not be a compulsive eater and not be concerned about caloire control I think this would be an eaiser journey for me. But, I'm fighting health concerns here and need to lose weight. Which is why crazy arse binge behavior is crazy.
I wondered if a lot of the super restriction and avoidance of some things is why my food addict is acting out. I thought over the comments on the previous post. I'm not sure I really have enough balance. I do have treats during my regular week: occasional chocolate, vitatops. But I definitely have had black and white thinking on a lot of things that I never allow myself. When I get in to Food addict mode I act out and want those things. But none of it is really fulfilling. Restricting and depriving myself sets me up for trouble. I believe that finding balance and changing what I truly desire is the key.
So I went to Paneras ( a place I'd avoided since Christmas) and got a reasonable brunch to go. Then to the bookstore, to Old Navys (wow , I'm down a size). Finally, to the grocery store which I'd been obsessing / avoiding since Friday. I got a few items for the Easter basket: some chocolate, some sugar free, some non food items, and some fruit bread. I ate a piece of chocolate . I had some fruit bread. I felt satisfied. Just having it there and knowing that I can have it anytime I want to this week and that I don't HAVE to obsess or feel deprived, I'm hoping will give me a little peace. It feels that way.
I believe I'm back on track. I'm going in now to clean the kitchen. Organize my healthy snacks for the week. Cook a nutritious dinner. I don't want to binge. I'm not obsessed on having a treat. I HAD treats this weekend. And they didn't fulfill me. They didn't help me. Except maybe to show me that I'm looking for something in food that food can't help me with. I'm looking forward to the structure of my Monday to Friday meals from my food delivery system. It is almost a relief to have choices taken away. I need to journal a little more on what happened. This is actually my first time on line and writing about it since it happened.
I see my therapist after work. Then I rush to the gym to relax and calm down and stretch and 'tighten that core' to whatever is left of the Pilates class..love it. Usually, the Pilates is accompanied by Celtic music or Enya. AHHHHHhhhhh....
Then right after that is Kickboxing which is fast, furious, and sweaty. The soundtrack is the latest hip hop / lady Gaga /Jay Z/Black eyed peas. Whatever, You are moovin and groovin and shakin and running and kicking and punching all over the place.
Here is what came out of yesterday's sessions. Kickboxing..the class was small so we literally got to beat up on our teacher. We individually sparred with him and he lets us kick / hit / punch and defend against his super soft baby blows. He is a black belt karate / kickboxing guru and a big sweetheart and so supportive. It was scary and fun! How often do you get to actually defend yourself and try moves like that and know you are completely safe ? I only got knocked on my butt once ( I fell, laughing the whole time because I was trying to execute a roundkick).
Pilates: I have some of those Celtic cds and I need to get out my matt at home and do some of that stretching on the weekends because I love it. I actually could tell my butt was getting tighter.
Therapy:I had an agenda to go over with my therapist. Sometimes I've got plenty to say and sometimes I avoid the personal stuff and only talk about how my eating has been and then on to movies and travel and just can't get myself to talk about the other stuff. This week I've been having unusually vivid and symbolic dreams so we had to go over those. I know my subconscious is trying to tell me something , but what?
Now bear with me on this. It is kind of 'out there' but it is actually working for me as this is the first time in 40+ years I've been this close to getting a handle on my food addiction. We discussed my Food Addict self and she recommended I refer to her as my "food comforter" and not to see that as a negative part of myself. She thinks I need to learn to accept and love that part of myself and that when I do this I will not need her to be in such an extreme role of trying to take care of me. My food addicted self came about in my very early childhood as a comforter in a house of craziness and drama and neglect. I refer to 'her ' as Fae (food addict). Such as, 'Fae wants to go to Dunkin donuts and get a muffin and a big cup of coffee because it will make me feel better about not losing weight'. Fae is kinda a 'childlike self' ...2 and 2 don't always connect. Another part of my personality is the professional dieter / nurse part that I call the "strict dieter" and she beats up on me and Fae big time.
You see, I'm a compulsive over eater / food addict. Yes it's great to be abstinent from some of the binge behavior or certain food items. But when you've lost over 100 lb and have over 100 more to lose . Well, there is a sense of urgency. So the strict dieter within me wants things to be just so. I hate to say a 'diet nazi' but sort of.
Ok. sorry all that intro for this. My therapist is recommending I be gentle with my 'food comforter' ..let her have a little treat. I piped right up in my session and said ..I WANT EASTER CANDY..I WANT A LITTLE BASKET.
All that to say that it really freaks me out to think about what I could get or what I really want . I overate today over it. Not terribly. But I know it's because I really want to get in the Honda, head to publix grocery and create a little easter basket for me ..nothing to binge on . not everything in sight. But it's hard to balance this all out.
It was helpful to post that red alert because I had to figure out what was going on with me. By posting it, I didn't eat extra last night after that. I wrote that post at about 9 or 10 pm . Yesterday, just was a low energy day and an emotional day. Maybe hormones? Today is different. Can't explain it. Happy for it, though.
I am in a food RED ALERT! Meaning, I want it. I'm thinking about it. If I go to a store I could be in danger of buying things I would regret. I obsessed over it today. I did eat more calories than usual today and I also physically felt out of energy. It was my heavy workout day ..7:30am half hour wt training, mid day dog walk, Kickboxing in the evening. I had eaten all of my snack calories by mid day. I tried to think..'hmmm If I'm working out heavy should I eat more calories on these days?' I'm not sure if that's the 'food addict' talking or the 'official dieter' self talking. Sounds like rationalization. I also, while at the gym tonight , got a second wind and did an extra 40 minutes on the recumbant bike (to counter act the extra calories).
I know I'm probably trying to cover something up..not feel something. Well there's plenty of that going on . I didn't really feel like working. I was over it. But I felt like I could sleep if I could just lay down. Feelings? Kind of depressed. Kind of numb.
I really wanted coffee and a bakery item. I wasn't really hungry. But I felt I needed to perk up. I did all kinds of things to avert disaster. I journaled, I checked my blood sugar, I sat in the sun, I held my dog, I journaled some more, I finally gave in . I made a cup of coffee. I thought 'maybe I need sugar, so I ate 3 mini rice cakes. That didn't do it. I ate about 1/2 oz of dark chocolate while I drank my coffee.
the bad thing is I really felt better, more perky, more energetic and was able to finish that last bit of work. I went back outside and picked up my 12 step meditation books. I prayed . I feel like I got back on track for the most part but not 100%.
So, I'm aware I'm on red alert. This happens after I go to the grocery store and see all the food options. I want to come home and eat all of it. I want to eat substitutions of foods to take the place of the higher calorie versions.
But I don't always act on what I want. I haven't tonight. I had my fruit snack -raspberries, vanilla yogurt, and a sprink of Bobs Red Mill 12 grain Muesli. Do I still want a Vitamuffin and a cup of International French Vanilla coffee? I'm not hungry and it's not part of my even extended calorie budget.But yes. I want it. But putting this post in is helping me avoid that.
Monday I organized my meds-filled my pill organizer ( i take several supplements besides my prescription meds). For a moment the procrastinator in me said..'oh just wait and we'll start tomorrow'...right ..exactly why I picked a goal to do one organizational or cleaning thing per day. it is a challenge...
The Eating a fruit / veg snack is gonna be easy .. I had ruby red grapefruit and splurged on fresh raspberries at the store . This morning I had half a banana before my gym workout.
But I don't feel up to par physically. I was really tired in zumba last night. I was pretty blah today working out with weights. I tell myself--well you were lifting pretty heavy weights. I guess I'm just tired. May need to watch out for my blood sugar today.
Weight loss tv--I'd recorded a lot of things so had to catch up last night..I watched the Kirstie Alley show Big Life on Sunday night..not exactly informational and is knd of sensationalized reality tv.
I also watched at least half of the Jaimie Oliver Food Revolution Preview that was on Sunday. I felt bad for him and also irritated by him , so didn't finish it. This mixed feelings reaction usually means I will Love it. The show actually starts this Friday. I'll probably watch it. Jaimie is cute and I've always liked him. ooh and that accent...
Ruby--I finally watched Ruby that was on Sunday also. Basically, Ruby and I are on a very similar journey right now. Finding out that there are memories erased because , duh , you don't want to remember them and it isn't a pretty picture. That may seem light of what she's going thru but it's how I feel on what I'm going thru.
Plus, I watched Nurse Jackie and United States of TARA..unrelated to the topic but 2 shows I enjoy.
But I saw Loretta's challenge and thought 'wow, that looks like a good idea, but I don't really want to challenge myself officially. I'm always challenging myself. ' When you have low self esteem, just getting dressed and going out of the house is a challenge. So that's my line of thinking on that. Then, I joined Curves at 345 lbs..that was a challenge since I barely fit in the machines. Then, I joined a gym which is coed and at over 300 lbs exercised...in front of people....that was a challenge. I'm now doing kickboxing which is the most intense workout of my life and I was scared to death of doing that..that was a challenge. ...Hmmm I see a trend.
Challenge yourself and show progress. Therefore, I knew I needed to probably do it. I'm at the beginning of breaking a weight plateau and I want to keep breaking it. I'm also in my personal / emotional journey going through some breakthroughs and challenges, so maybe I should include that.
But what would my goals be? Where do I have to challenge myself this time? Pondering the goals I could do, I knew that my exercise is my strong point. Exercise is my source of self esteem just as making good grades was in school. So the goals could not involve exercise.
After some thought , Ta Da!
My Spring Challenge 1. Every day for the next 13 weeks do some kind of clean up or organizing around the house. This will help my self esteem and overall outlook on life and life itself. We are all different on this journey and I'm a procrastinator. I would rather exercise, read, or watch tv than clean. (this deserves it's own blog post someday) 2. Every day for the next 13 weeks eat a fruit or veggie as one of my snacks. 3. Check in every Saturday. 4. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself 5. Save up to buy myself a Reward at the end for making my goals.
I just accidentally ate part of a dog biscuit. Blah..spewt!!! pooey!%$#^...................hmm.......................................it wasn't that bad actually.:/
I have these 2 20 lb chihuahua / peke mixes dogs and they get little pieces of dog biscuits when they go out to go potty..more if it's raining.( We all have to watch our waistlines in this family.) I was in the kitchen, multi tasking, closing the garage after my husband, eating the 4 almonds I'd counted out for my pre walk snack, gave a piece of a biscuit to pooch#1 and holding on to the piece for pooch #2 who tarries. Suddenly , I realized ..wow that almond isn't fresh..it's really different tasting...DOH!
Saturday was beautiful and sunny and Spring. I'm talking birds singing, blue skies, 70 degrees, flowers and trees blooming everywhere. I even saw a few butterflies. I marked it with a lovely walk/slog (slow jog) at a park and then a trip around the neighborhood with the dogs, allowing them plenty of sniffin time. Dinner: Homemade onion/ mushroom pizza (mamma mia's crust though).
Today, cool and dank with rain and it's somewhere in the 50's. The plan for the day was church, lunch out, and the used book store. We didn't quite make it to church and veered towards IHOP. Rainy and cold makes me want pancakes. Well, I always want pancakes but I'm trying to only have them when I'm really in the right frame of mind.
This trip to Ihop was unlike others in that I actually chose something off the "Ihop for me" menu. These are healthier options that have the nutritional count on the menu. I had harvest nut and grain pancakes with blueberries, sliced bananas, sugar free syrup, egg beaters and turkey bacon. I added the turkey bacon , so the meal came out to about 650 calories which is a lot. But considering, I would normally NOT get the healthier version and therefore eat well over a 1000 calories. This was good. I always drink too much coffee (pot is on the table there) and then make myself drink the glass of water that I got. (Since Atlanta went through a drought last summer I just can't waste water.)
I feel good about this choice. It counted as both breakfast and lunch. A happy trip to the bookstore and only $22 spent for 5 books for hubby and me. Oh goody, more books. Heading now to read the first chapters of a mystery novel in bed before a little Sunday afternoon nap.
Happy Friday Has been one of those kinds of weeks..Work has been superbusy. Physically , I've been recovering from a weekend of eating and drinking out of the norm and less sleep than normal. I've been going to bed early, getting up early, getting the taxes done, thinking about my next vacation , and starting to putter in the garden. Getting my usual exercise in with a little extra Zumba class here and particularly tough Kickboxing classes this week.
My 8 lb gain after the weekend away is almost gone..all but 3 lbs. I have no doubt it will keep dropping off and then ..just maybe I'll face the 220's for the first time in forever. .. highschool?
Other people who see me everyday at the gym and even I have noticed my body changing, waist seems to becoming more defined. I have noticed that my arms are more flabby and it bothers me. My batwings are growing which means fat is burning off. Yeah! Ah, I'm not so happy about the wings, but I think recognizing that wearing shirts with sleeves that cover the wings versus just barely covering them is important if I'm working out in a class that emphasizes arms. I do ALL kinds of arm exercises, can't be doing much more than I already am. I accept it . I don't like it. I'll cover them up. I showed my sister and she was horrified and immediately asked if I was going to have surgery to remove the extra skin. She didn't have a concept that I weighed over 300 lbs and still weigh technically 100lbs overweight. I'm going to be able to fly maybe with these wings eventually.
The weekend: I'm hoping to get a movie in "alice in wonderland" . Saturday is supposed to be in the 70's and sunny, so I'm thinking a walk / run at a park after the movie. And I just have a desire to be at home, watch tv, read, and spend time with myself , my hubby, and my animals. Oh and catching up with blogs.
Hope your Friday and first day of Spring are great!
Monday , walking in to Publix grocery after gym workout ..................
Food addict (FA) "ooh, Irish soda bread..oh I love Irish soda bread..warm with butter..I want it " Higher self (HS) "...whoa, baby..you can not have that ..what are you thinking?" FA: "let's see if they have half loafs or one roll in the bakery...just a little" HS: "Un UH...don't have any.. I know you want it but it's a bakery binge ..what's going on ?"
Walked through Bakery, no options. Then FA : "look at all the easter candy, oh the chocolate..pretty colors..want it" HS: "sigh" FA: lip pouting " I don't get anything"
Monday night: ate a relatively healthy dinner and after dinner snack / kept in calorie range.
Tuesday, (had to go to Publix again after kickboxing-didn't want to eat my prepared meal (lobster ravioli) and wanted a small frozen pizza and husband wants a sub)
Food addict (FA) "great, the Irish soda bread again-forgot about that..don't even look at it" "what if I get a raisin bagel at dunkin donuts or here at the bakery?"
Higher self (HS) "what if you eat a raisin brain vitamuffin that is 100 calories that you already ordered off the internet?"
FA "there's that darn easter candy..."
at the checkout a sudden swerve for the godiva dark chocolate pearls..only 25 calories for 8 little balls FA " this is doable right...controlled portions" HS silence
Later that night ..the days calories total a little over 2000..ate the vitamuffin, the entire 1.5 oz of godiva chocolate..scraped the last of the peanut butter out of the jar. I kept thinking about " don't stuff the feelings, feel the stuff" But couldn't exactly do it..
Today...wednesday HS: "what's going on?" FA " I feel craptastic, gotta get straight again..I 'm upset about some things that my sister and I talked about and a memory that I had..will talk about it in thearpy ? HS "absolutely, food didn't make me feel better.. abstinence makes me feel better" Today my abstinence is my planned meal , only adding additional fruit or veg and 1 vitamuffin with coffee tonight"
Back from my fun trip to Tunica Ms with my aunt and sister. I enjoy the visiting and talking . We'd sit at a table after a meal and talk for an hour and a half. I'm back a $1000 richer-Jaws slot machine. Back 7 lbs heavier--to be expected. I always gain when I eat out at restaurants -even 1 meal, but most meals is always a big gain. I know that it's water weight for the most part and that it will come off in a week or too. I'm both disappointed (magical thinking-of course I would gain some weight) and relieved (it isn't more weight).
I'm truly glad to be back to my routine of exercise, healthy living, healthy-calorie portioned foods. Having an endless budget for free food and drink is ....UH, tempting to say the least. I didn't do horribly on the trip. There are many positives--we shared some food items / sides at meals / shared a steak dinner and split dessert 3 ways one time. I had the bread basket taken away when I realized I just couldn't handle the visual stimulation. I recognized when I was too full. I had healthy snacks.
Then there was this. Yes, my sister and I couldn't resist trying the Paula Deen buffet. It was the biggest buffet I've ever seen and my food addict was freakin'. I'm happy to say I didn't get seconds, I sampled several things in small amts. But i did eat more meat than usual. When it came to dessert I was overwhelmed, but rather than a piece of pie or cake I had a bit of this and a bit of that. One small dessert plate but only ate half. I was still stuffed. "thanksgiving full"
Then there are the things I'm not feeling as good about. Again, going to the Buffet in the first place. Not getting the bread basket taken away at another meal. snacking on the trip home. I had a tummy ache the whole day after I got home. So back on my food plan, lots of fresh veggies and fruit yesterday.
In all, I'm not beating myself up over it. It was an unusual special weekend. There was a lot to see and do . Craig Ferguson was hilarious and sexy. I admit to stalking around for him . I think I saw him go in to the bathroom once, but I'd had half a glass of wine and just couldn't face myself to stand outside to make sure that was him. ( kinda regret that I didn't now). With the extra cash that I won we are getting some car repairs / tires replaced done sooner rather than later.
I think I made a positive impression for my aunt and sister that dedication , hard work , exercise every dog gone day is what it takes to lose weight. My aunt is looking in to a meal delivery system similar to the local one I use to help her for a while.
Woo hoo girls weekend is on. I'm writing this from my sister's home in Alabama with hair dye on..She is a hairdresser and it's time to wash out the gray. Then on to the party at the casinos.
Wt today 230.6. Almost. Almost at the 220's. That is a motivating # I will repeat in my head like a mantra the next couple of days. I do plan to enjoy myself but also be REAL with myself and what I'm really all about.
Wow, I have been hungry today . Actually, I've been more physically hungry the last few days.I think If I remember correctly, when I'm hungry like this I'm losing weight. It's been a while since I saw consistent #'s dropping. Sizes yes. Pounds on the scale..no.
I mean actually physically hungry -stomach growling hungry versus mentally hungry (jonesin on those Dunkin Donut muffins) or mouth hungry "gotta crunch on something salty"..or just my usual little girl saying " ooh, it's almost time when I can eat again, right?" Hunger is unusual for this recovering food addict. I assess my hunger before and after meals (when I'm following my program well) and it helps me reason out if I'm eating out of body hunger or for habit or for a desire for comfort or for boredom. (HALT -hungry ,angry , lonely, tired) Right now , on the scale above I am close to ravenous.
Back to this gnawing hunger, Part of me freaks out. There's the diabetic part that worries about 'Am I going to drop my sugar too low?' Then there's the part that knows that I probably will need to go with the hunger in order to lose weight. Then there's that part of me that's like..I gotta eat. My enabling self thinks 'oh, you can eat every 3 hours and burn more calories, so just find a good protein snack"....ARGHHHHHH!
Seriously, it's so unusual to be hungry that I don't know how to handle it. My nutritionist tells me that I need to create a calorie deficit, I need to be ok with being hungry some of the time. I don't have to panic. I can just sit with the hunger...blah blah blah
I did that the other night and went to bed with my stomach growling. I woke up to let the cat out at 3 am (he get's bored and comes in and wakes me up) and I realize I'm feeling sick and nauseated because I'm so hungry even though it's 3 am . So I ate some fruit and went to sleep.
I'm physically hungry . It's 10pm . I've got an early day tomorrow. I'm going to make a cup of sleepy time tea and after that if I'm still really hungry. I'll eat some cheese. There. Taking care of me.
I'm a late bloomer to the Dr Oz ..YOU On a Diet train. But if Oprah says he's ok, then for sure he's ok..right?.........
Actually, I've only in the last few months occasionally watched some of his shows and checked out his website. He's right on target with the approach to Food addiction and weight loss that I take. He explains medical things to people in plain and easy to understand language. And he kinda looks good in scrubs, as a former hospital nurse who admired (from afar only) docs in scrubs.
So, I've been checking out his website. http://www.realage.com/the-you-docs/you-on-a-diet/. There seem to be some pretty good tools there and some sound knowledge. The whole mind/body /spirit approach I like.
However, and I do mean however! I took the Real Age test (kind of how they do with the BIGGEST LOSERS) and was a bit miffed / disappointed , upset, etc. I've had a serious overhaul to my lifestyle, diet , exercise, emotional, spiritual. Everything. My labs are great. My hgb a1c (long term glucose control is 5.8 which is actually non diabetic.) I've lost 114lbs. I have a well rounded fairly intense exercise program . I'm still technically obese, but I'm on my way .
But at 47 years old in 'real life' , the REAL AGE test tells me I'm more like 57 yrs old . But I feel 30-ish.
This stuff is not for the faint of heart. My first reaction was "what more do you want #@%#!!&."
With my history I've surely done damage to my body over the years with poor diet, binge episodes, lack of exercise / sedentary episodes, yo yo dieting, etc. And then there are the things I can't change like family history. But there's a part of me that also says ..heck..that isn't me ! is it?
So where do I go from here? They say pain heals the body. This tool give you a lot of hints and suggestions and reading material based on the different aspects of the questions: motivational tips, exercise, diet etc. I've only just gotten over the upset and took another look at this, and I guess there must be something I can learn and change.
It can't hurt to refine what I do in this journey. But this is another good lesson along the line that these on-line tools and half of the diet plan health sites are not always right for me. I've had some recommend that I eat 1900 to 2300 calories a day to lose weight. Right. It kind of is the same as getting on the scale and it not telling you what you think you deserve to weigh.
So this is not necessarily a recommendation to use this site or check out your own real age. Like I said , definitely, not for the faint of heart. But if you can take it, it might be worth learning a little bit about what you can and can't do to help your health.
As weekends go it was pretty good. Shutter Island-creepy-kinda figured it out but not really. Food wise =pretty good as I ate everything I planned with only a few minor adjustments. Did eat a couple of things not out of true body hunger but out of dsire for the food or texture. But I'm a progress not perfection girl, so I will not be hard on myself on this.
Husband and I had a fun day and did our little geocaching scavenger hunts. We found 2 of the 4 things we looked for. We took a walk in the woods, had a picnic, and just enjoyed each other's company. Watching the Academy awards that I dvrd. Overall an entertaining show. A brief Homage to John Hughes director of so many 80's films like the "Breakfast Club" and "Pretty in Pink" "Ferris Buellers'Day off" and "St Elmo's Fire" .
I was already in my early 20's when some of these films came out , but the films inspired me at the time. And the fashion. Here's Molly Ringwald the film princess of the time. The funny thing is that the fashions of the 80's are now back: lace leggings, stirrup pants, ballet flats, boyfriend jackets. Truly girly stuff. i still have some of my 80's clothes and they fit. I'm wearing my stirrup pants next weekend on my long weekend casino girls trip. :))
Weekends...Something you look forward to and on Monday it seems like it is so far away.I heard on the news today that Wednesdays "hump day " are days that people have the most depression. At work , it's because you are overwhelmed from Monday and Tuesday. They recommend doing something special like cinnamon in your coffee or flowers or something else that makes Wednesdays special. By Friday it feels like , OMG, it is finally here. But then Friday night happens and for me the opportunity to relax, do well, have fun, lose it, screw up -it's all there.
So on weekends, I usually never get as much done as I want to do or plan to do. I try to balance in fun with work around the house or time spent working on my food addiction healing or with just recuperation time. Sometimes I get depressed and just don't do anything . Sometimes, I go out with friend for coffee or shopping or to a movie and gain 3 lbs just from sodium -water retention. Most often I watch tv and blog Saturday mornings, and then I don't go anywhere but to the Gym or a park or the grocery store.
I'm totally ok being alone. But that also is one of my tendencies-- to isolate. I'm the girl that has driven across the country several times alone and to concerts alone because few of my friends liked Coldplay, Stevie Nicks, or U2. And I love to read, so set me up in the backyard with a book and I'm good for an afternoon. My husband works every Saturday. We only have Saturday night and Sunday as "our" weekend. But I do enjoy going out with friends too, missing home sometimes the whole time.
By the way, I'm a new fan of "Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew " on VH1 and they apparently are having a marathon right now as I'm blogging ( which is almost noon Saturday-all the episodes are also on line). I don't really care about the celebrity aspect, I think I would like watching it if it were just us ordinary folk. To me I apply it to my food addiction and co dependency tendencies. I find it very familiar and also somewhat so depressing. At times, it is inspiring as I watch their resistance to facing their addictions and then how they start facing it and working the 12 steps. Starting this Thursday, is another show called Sober house where these celebrities from rehab move in to a halfway house.
STRUCTURE ME This weekend, I'm recognizing that I've hit that low weight so longed for. What I do this weekend will make a difference if I keep seeing the scale go down, keep having a string of good days, or if the opposite back sliding thing happens. Heading to the gym in 10 minutes.
So here we go. I've planned my food for breakfast / lunch/ snacks / dinner for the whole weekend..EXCEPT for tonight. I'm going to see the movie Shutter Island with a friend and maybe a little shopping. I have a 200 cal snack in my purse for the movie (orville r's 100 cal popcorn and 100 calories of chocolate). Tonight, I'm going to look and see if we can do Doc Greens for a good salad or a nearby Flatbread pizza place. Somewhere we can really control calories and portions but have a healthy and tasty eating out experience.
Tomorrow , will be beautiful and sunny and in the 60's here. My husband and I are going to ride bikes, have a Subway picnic at a park and go Geo caching. I'm not really sure what that entails but something like a scavenger hunt with a gps and walking around in the woods or at a park. I'm all about the walking around at the park. My husband has a tendency to be a total homebody and go nowhere on the weekends. Sunday night is the Academy Awards. I'm normally a big movie fan , but have slacked off on going to movies because of the food temptations and finances. So I've only seen a handful of the movies. But I'll probably still watch some of it. And then there's my girl Ruby's show on Sundays.
AND this weekend I'm planning for next weekend's big long weekend trip to Tunica with family. Toenails-done. Laundry-getting done. Healthy snacks-planned. Of course, I have already planned which PJS I'm wearing....:)
Tummy--fine..no problem. Progress with keeping in the new calorie range-good. Weight--a surprising loss. Today, I'm at 231.6. That makes roughly 114 lbs lost since 2007.
I do not know exactly when I last weighed this low. I kept journals once I started seeing a therapist and worked on healing my food addiction during the late 80's and I know I was in the 290's then. I once lost down to 234 in 1993 after intense work with nutritionist / therapy and OA. But before that , I'm guessing in college or just after was probably when I was this weight.
Do I wish I could have 'gotten it' then ? Absolutely . Or kept losing after figuring out a program in 1993? Oh yes! But life happened and I didn't continue my tried and true program. I can't regret or question that it didn't happen till now. It's taken everything that's happened since then to get me to here, and here is where I am working what I realize is a lifelong journey.
Finally, a 7+ month plateau broken. Stuck at 234 to 240 range for that long. I've lost and gained probably the same 20 lbs in that 7 months. I've increased my exercise, increased my efforts, tried all kinds of new things and restrictions. Restricting things for me produces feelings that my child self / food addict doesn't like and wants to take care of with food. So restricting ..bad. Last week I bought a really quality chocolate bar and divided it up in to 100 cal portions in snack baggies. I've only wanted / had chocolate once in that whole week. hmmmm...gotta think on that more.
Here's what happened differently this week that broke the plateau. Because of gastritis, I reduced coffee/ tea intake and also reduced artificial sweetener usage. Calories reduced to 1400 to 1500. skipped some of the habits like afternoon or evening snack if I was not hungry. I did not eat out this week. This is all hard for me. I'm addicted. I'm doing all manner of journaling and self talk to get through doing this.
I increased my exercise because I wanted to and it felt good. -Monday--am: dog walk, pm: extra cardio on elliptical and bike after Zumba (total 98min) -Tuesday-am: dog walk and sculpt training , pm: kick boxing cancelled due to snow and since my stomach hurt -felt my body was better off with no exercise (total 50m) -Wednesday-am:dog walk, pm: 25 minutes elliptical, 1 hour sculpt class, 30 min zumba (total 2 hrs 15min) -Thursday-am: 0, pm : Pilates -45 minutes, Kickboxing -50 minutes, Dog walk/ run-15 (total 1 hr 50 min)
It's been a while since I was in a "losing" phase. When I lost the 100 lbs up until last year I would go a few weeks with no loss and then suddenly lose 1-2 lbs everyday for a week and then stop again until a month later and then lose 1-2 lbs a day for a week. I broke my weekly weighing rule and weighed everyday and that is how I'm losing. I started at 235.8 on Monday and 231.8 today . I'm hopeful I'll see a 229 soon.
Even more now than ever, I am diligent that I won't feel like I have many times in the past: that I need to celebrate with food, or I can relax on the food / calorie control or exercise. This is my life. I am working towards how to figure out how to balance life with home -food-exercise-family -friends-God.
enjoy the Azaleas photo--that's how my yard will probably look in another month. Welcome Spring.
So it occurred to me that my body is talking and I'm listening. I'm really listening.
Being obese, heck being "super morbidly obese" takes a toll on a body and even though I'm probably not still in the super category I know it's taking it's toll.
One of my major motivations is FEAR and that FEAR is based on both knowledge and the unknown. First, because I'm a nurse. Second, is my genetic makeup. Finally, it's a lifestyle thing. My father died at 51 from heart disease. My mother was physically ill with many different conditions until she died at 71. She was also mentally ill most of my childhood life. Grandparents on both sides either ill with cancer or diabetes or heart disease. The paternal side dies fairly young (50's to 60's) and the maternal side lives to fairly old and usually while drinking , smoking , and eating ice cream.
Then there are the oddball scenarios a half sister dead at 39 from ovarian cancer. A great grandmother living to 97. And did I mention we are Southern and were raised eating good ol southern food --fried everything, salt pork, butter, cracklin, red eye gravy.
I am also the oddball scenario. For one, the only non smoker in my immediate family and one of only a few non alcoholic/illegal substance abusers. Though , Legal substances--Food. But also, I'm the only compulsive over eater super obese person in the family.
I hope that the lifestyle changes that I've made the last several years consistently and on and off for the last 20 years will be enough to reverse / heal my body. I am a believer that alternative healing and lifestyle changes can make a huge difference. Sometimes they make as much of an impact as medicines. Though medicines and surgery are absolutely necessary in many cases.
So my GI system is talking. Years of binges and bad choices will do that kind of damage that you end up with a combo of issues. I flirt off and on with diverticulitis and gastritis. I reviewed my diet of recent weeks and found some of the culprits that might be aggravating these conditions. Strawberries, nuts, and popcorn-not so good and can lead to diverticulitis. And the husband and I have made homemade pizza the last several Saturdays with the last batch being yuck- very acidic and salty. Also, I've gotten in the habit of morning coffee AND afternoon coffee and tea or cocoa in the evening.
Here are my changes: 1. I've decreased the coffee (not stopped entirely or I'll be sick with withdrawal) to a half cup in the morning with lots of milk-cafe au lait. 2. I've stopped all the other tea/ coffee / cocoa for now. no carbonated sodas 3. I'm either avoiding or switching around the more acidic or spicy predelivered meals that I get. skipped yesterdays Chicken pesto pizza and marninara, will skip the horseradish sauce on Roast beef sandwich today and skip the cucumbers in vinegar..will probably add or take away items as I need to. 4. Also, I've been sticking to 1400-1500 calories this week and doing it rather than the 1500 to 1700. Has nothing to do with my Gi system , but hopefully will help the wt loss. 5. I usually get hungry or have the habit of having an afternoon snack around 4 ish. If I'm not hungry I don't have it. I've done this 3 times and it helps with the calories and helps me to recognize hunger better.
Just making these simple changes should help my GI tract in just a few days. But the weight loss...now that is the question.
Funny when I think of balance I think first of things being properly aligned or in the right order or simply the right mixture of something. But I visually think of the old time scales. Yes, that darn scale!
I can tell I'm not fully in balance. The last few days my stomach has been hurting ( my actual stomach organ in my body not my whole tummy) and I've been experiencing acid indigestion. If I get in to the habits of using certain foods it sometimes leads me down the road of either gastritis or kidney stones, so I have to back off. Coffee, tea, citrus, chocolate..or any acidic food and I get gastritis -near ulcer conditions. It's stress related too.
It was once so bad and I was having such severe pain that I had to take massive doses of prescription and over the counter drugs to fight the acid and the pain . I had to have an endoscopy procedure because there were concerns of ulcers and other things. cancerous things. Basically , I had to change my diet or lifestyle or I would have a full blown hole in my gut or worse.
So for a while I ate "white foods" . I know for some dieters " white foods" are a bad word. But my white foods were this: chicken, rice, plain toast, bananas, pudding , ice milk, yogurt, plain mashed potatoes...none of the things I love : pepper, coffee, chocolate, fruit, even veggies, and NO mexican / italian/ chinese anything. tomatoes--no. But I only wanted the white foods because they didn't hurt me or make me sick and I told myself I will heal with this.
I also had to look at my life. I'd gotten in to these habits of certain foods I ate. Surely , these were favorite foods too, but once I'd sort of ritualized the cup of coffee and muffin on the way to work on Fridays. Then darn it. Friday wasn't right without it. At that time I was extremely stressed in the job I had. I supervised a large number of people and had to fire someone and was being put under a lot of pressure by management. Firing people is not something I took lightly and something I had to do more often than I would like. (I don't want to do management anymore as a result. ) I was probably at or around 300lbs at 5'3.
It would be nice to say that was the turning point and I suddenly changed my diet and lost weight ..etc ..etc..But actually, my body healed. I continued the meds. Then I didn't need the meds. I think I went on Weight watchers and lost 40 lbs. Then had a major promotion and then all hell broke loose and then our company had problems. Then , thankfully and by the Grace of God I worked somewhere else less stressful. But other things happened, people got sick and died in my life. Suddenly I was depressed and 345 lbs.
I just was never in balance for long.
Today, I recognize the beginning warning signs that my diet and habits are again out of balance and will make me physically ill if I don't change. Maybe that's why I've been plateaued in my weight for so long despite a major increase in exercise. Maybe that has nothing to do with it. I recognize that my body is changing , that muscle weighs more , that I'm losing inches , that I'm changing a mindset , that I've had progress in other ways. So YEAH!
But bottom line. Today the foods and liquids I drink are heading me towards imbalance. Either imbalance in the form of illness or maybe imbalance that I'm putting out an extreme amount of effort and intent in some but not all areas that I need to for weight loss. So I have to look at this again. Look at my habits. refine. adapt. change. accept.
Still 234lbs. I've been cycling around the 234 to 240ish weight since August 2009. Still here.
I usually weigh on Thursdays, and I don't weigh daily because I forget that the scale isn't God and that I'm not a miserable wretch. I have to pep talk myself if my weight doesn't do what I think my efforts should result in . Last Wednesday I snuck a peek..wt 232.8..wow! lowest wt since 1980's? I thought I had finally broken this long plateau. But then each day the scale rose. Sat 2/27 which I planned to be the date I posted as the last day summary for FEB I was at 234.0..today 3/1 235.8. I'm sticking with that 234.0. See why I don't weight daily?
FEBRUARY : body mind spirit I looked back at the month to see what happened. I just reread my blog entries and my journal. I guess this is to remind me what did result from this month. Progress with inches lost, body composition changing, progress with exercise, progress with recognizing and working on my addiction. Did I have a binge? yes. Did I work on stopping the behavior? yes.
AM I CONTINUALLY RENEWING MY COMMITMENT? YES! choice by choice
Body: I took my measurements which I plan to do end of month or 1st day of each month. I've clearly lost inches in all areas. People have been commenting that I'm looking smaller. I went bra shopping and bought a new sweater and I'm clearly an 18/20 in size. Bra cup went from DD to D. (husband not happy). Feb saw me running more and completing a 5k on treadmill faster than I did in January and also doing one at a park. So ,SCALE BE DAMNED. I think it was a success. stats wt measurements in inches 08/2009 234 chest-43, bust-51.5, waist-45, hips-56, arms-17.5, thigh-28.75 01/29/2010 236 chest-41, bust-50, waist-43, hips-55.25. arms-18?, thigh-31? 02/28/2019 234 chest-41, bust-48.5, waist-43, hips-54, arms-17, thigh-27
Mind: Mentally, Feb was a roller coaster month. There were more layoffs at work and many work changes. Valentines aka 'chocolate holiday '. Getting in to some habits around foods and carbs. I had a few binges. I recognized that my food addict was calling the shots more than normal and I worked on that. I think that hormones may have played a big role in how this month went which I usually don't find to be true as I was sick from a very severe monthly cycle and went from depressed to happy in a day several times. My doc increased my antidepressants and I think they are working better.
Spirit: I really think Feb was the month that things converged for me and brought me back to the place of realizing I can not control the food. I'm an addict just as an alcoholic is one. I have to rely on a higher power to help me. It was a day of binges, depression, wanting to act out, choosing not to act out, and being refocused on the 12 step approach by watching Ruby and Celebrity rehab that helped me. I had followed OA back in the 90's but have been resistant and truly just not wanting to go to the meetings that are inconvenient time wise and location wise. I have the Oa literature and Meditation books that I used previously . I've been using these almost daily the last 2 weeks. I would say Saturday / Sunday were again rough for me. When I opened my meditation book this morning , I could tell from the book marker that I had skipped them over the weekend..DOH Blogs-many of yours and your comments have helped immensely, particularly my new friend Lorreta's http://lorettasjourney.blogspot.com/
Here's something I wrote earlier this month and this is what I'm doing in my MARCH forward. "I'm just trying to follow my plan-plan my food, not make it severely restrictive so that I want to obsess on treats, assess my hunger scale / motive for eating, and exercise for fun and stress release and strength. To live and relish this life"
I'm a Geek for many things: Food, Pajamas, Coffee, Chocolate, Movies, Books, getting and being fit and healthy, 80's music, and the list goes on and on .....A nurse, a diabetic, I've lost over 130 lbs and have more to go . And I actually enjoy working out.
I chose the names of Ms. PJ Geek and PJ and Pounds because I have happy memories of childhood, coming in dirty and sweaty from playing in the yard. Then taking a bath, putting on a fresh nightgown and feeling all new again . I felt like a princess. Fresh renewal. .........
All names and situations will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, and so I can keep my job. While I am a nurse, I do not intend this to be a blog with specific directions or guidelines for healthcare. And.....though I have a college degree, that was a long time ago ya'll, and I don't remember proper punctuation or grammar.