Meet Craig Ferguson? Girls weekend coming.

It could happen. In a couple of weeks my sister and aunt and I are having a weekend getaway in Tunica, Mississippi which is a little casino mecca just south of Memphis Tn. My aunt is something of a high roller and gets these fully comped weekends- hotels , food, show tickets. I just found out we are going to see Mr Ferguson in a show there. I've only watched him a few times, but all I need to know is funny and Scottish..yummer. I recorded his late night tv show last night and my husband and I just watched it and laughed all through it. And he's Sex-say.

Now this trip presents quite a mixed bag of stuff for me. Instant gratification, free food, family, and major break from my food/ exercise/entire lifestyle routine. And I have to miss a kickboxing session. errr.

Money. I will only have to pay for the travel there and whatever I gamble with . Can we say nickel slots? So it won't be too much of a financial issue. My husband isn't crazy about me going anywhere near a casino, but understands my great need to have a girls weekend with family. But I have won at slots before and that instant gratification thing can kick in.

Road Food /There Food. It's a lot of driving for me- a good 8 hours or so one way, but I'm handling road travel eating better than ever before. Once there , however, is a little unknown. I know I'll pack fruit, nuts, Vitatops,healthy snacks. The best coffee I've ever had in my life is at a hotel in Tunica on the one other trip I've had to Tunica with my family. And I'm hoping I can find out how to buy some while I'm there. It was really that good.

The past me always saw a vacation as an excuse to indulge and do whatever the heck I want. Consequently, I usually gain 6-10 lbs on a long weekend vacation. Just CAN NOT HAPPEN THIS TIME.

There are just all kinds of foods that I hear about and see on tv but really don't have access to until this kind of opportunity comes up. And again, all the food is free and budget is not really an issue. Now I'm not in that mindset, but I remember the last time we went to Tunica many years ago. Portions are huge. Incredible Steaks and breakfasts. It's kind of crazy. But I will have to really be thoughtful when it comes to meal eating. I can't quite figure out how to approach this. So any suggestions are welcome. I think I'm going to write myself a letter to carry with me to remind me of what my goals and life are really about.

There will probably be one buffet, but then mainly restaurant meals ..gourmet or steakhouse or southern food type restaurants. I think I'm going to have to remember that is is REALLY OK TO LEAVE A LOT OF FOOD ON YOUR PLATE. Oh and they walk around handing out free drinks. I'm not a big drinker, but I have to admit a bloody mary is really good (but also packed full of salt.)

Exercise: I checked and there are gyms at most of the hotels and plus you Walk a lot on this kind of trip. I'm planning on keeping up with at least 30 minutes a day and I may pack my exercise bands.

Family- We will be celebrating my sister's 50th birthday and just being 3 girls on the town. My husband nicknamed my aunt "Sister Sarah" after Shirley Mcclaine because my aunt looks / acts like Shirley. She is vivacious, extroverted, spunky. This is kind of the opposite of my sister and I. I'm more the 'thoughtful-librarian type-with a secret' , but my aunt is loads of fun and attracts fun and people which is refreshing. So if anyone like Craig Ferguson were to be walking around he would surely be attracted to Sister Sarah. Plus, she'll probably laugh the loudest at his show and actually ask to meet him . She rolls that way.

What I really enjoy the most is spending time with my sister and aunt. Our aunt reminds us so much of our mother and shares memories and stories of our family and her crazy past, so that is a special treat to be with her. My sister and I have been known to go on a trip and hang out in the hotel room half the time, talking and watching tv and taking naps and just relaxing. So this trip is non -negotiable for me. Even though it presents some food challenges. I just hope it doesn't snow.

Pink

It's a pink rosy kind of day.

What the heck?
I don't know it just gives me comfort.

I'm gravitating towards pink lately--have bought 3 pink tshirts and 1 pair pink underwear. Today I have on my pink pj top--too big but warm and comfy. I have several rose quartz pieces and I recently found one I've had for years and put it next to my work space.

I woke up at 5 am and was all achey and sore from pilates / kickboxing classes last night slammed back to back. Tossed and turned and finally got up at 5:30 and read blogs. My husband woke up early to see how I was and admitted he had a rough night too. I saw pink peeking through the blinds and went out to see a beautiful lavender and pink sunrise.

Thank you GOD.

I'm finishing my 4 cup pot of coffee and sleepy now, but I'm working. I just want to go to bed. One of my dogs is a lap dog basically--a heat seeking missile chichuahua-peek mix and she just slept in my lap for 20 minutes which relaxed me and put me to sleep in front of my work computer.

A lot of feelings and feelings that I felt as a child came up this week and I discussed them with my therapist yesterday. I don't cry in therapy but came close. I remembered a time when I had a lot of fear of my mother. It made me sad and angry. I think when you hear that memories and feelings come up when you are abstinent from your addictive behavior is true.

So I think the Pink rosy stuff is self love.

PJ Geek out driving with gratitude

I am blessed with the job I have ( even though it is a stressful thing at times). I work at home thanks to internet / telework ability . Every rare blue moon or so I actually have to journey across Atlanta to the office, and today was one of those days. So off went the PJs or workout clothes that I always wear and I played semi-dress up.

Me and my poor old Honda drove the 35 miles one way - the time it takes depends on the time of day . Today I was there, had my 10 minute 'had to be in person meeting' and back home in just at 3 hours. In the old days with rush hour times, daily travel time could be 3+ to 4+ hours. And I drove that same route for about 10 years as my previous job was in the same area and this job was only allowed to be telework in the last 3 years.

As I prepared to make this drive today, I thought about what would cross my path along the way. Fast foods , yes but they don't trigger me much. A big trigger place is Whole Food Groceries..the closest one to my house is 20 miles away, thankfully. But Whole Foods is healthy right? For many, maybe. Whole foods has lots and lots of bakery, cheese, site prepared and also processed foods that make my little Food Addict twitch. Actually, twitch...and obsess and binge. So I haven't been since sometime last year and That's ok. For some reason Trader Joes doesn't do that to me , but I don't live near one of those either , so I don't go out of my way to go there either.

While driving, I was so thankful that I don't drive this daily anymore. No wonder during those 10 years I gained 100lbs. This route is literally the fastest and most sensible one and it passes Every Restaurant Chain at least once, Most fast food places twice, And I counted..9 Starbucks and 3 Dunkin Donuts. And dozens and dozens of gas stations--chock full of treats. Bakery items..what this food addict knows makes me feel better (only momentarily). I thought back to 10 years of driving every morning and the little rituals I had...Dunkin Donuts coffee and muffin on fridays or 'lets take in Munchkins for the office'. Chickfila drive through breakfasts..Mcdonalds drive thru...Then there were the treats after a horrible day that I tried to soothe with Starbucks and a scone or cookie or candy bar. Because in my mind , I deserved it.

I'm probably a little insulated in my small telework world. I work a solid 8-10 hours a day, exercise, walk my dogs, go to church and to the stores around my home and I occasionally venture out farther for shopping or events or to visit parks. This has become a safer lifestyle for me and a healthier one. I think about all of those who have to go out and face THAT everyday..the billboards, the fast food, the whole food, the 'fancy food', liquor stores, bars. Couple that with the stress of traffic and whatever else is in our lives that drives us to distractions and it's no wonder addiction and bad habits develop.

I have to commend all of you in the health / fitness / weightloss blogworld that manage this everyday and still succeed in meeting your goals. I had almonds with me to snack on when pretzels called to me from multiple stores along the way. I got a cup of coffee only on the way home. Today I am so very grateful for my home and my job and my connection to this blogworld and for the progress I've made with my food addiction and lifestyle.

Monday mojo jumble

Ouch because my hip is wonky today ...either from too much exercise or because I slept on it too long last night. very painful--tush on heating pad. took los drugas.

Woke up to thunderstorms, panting and trembling dogs, cat on my tummy...at 4 am. Husband had to run and unplug our cable connection--we've had 2 major lightning strikes in the last 6 months and lost computers, telephones, tvs..etc

I noticed when I let the dogs out this morning that there is a smell..a certain sweetness and greenish smell..almost like jonquils or some other bloom is ready to come up. Wow, it's February. We had snow last week and 68 degrees this weekend.
that's how the south is though.

This photo above is Tribble Mill Park -a park somewhat near my home that I went to and ...yes..ran /walked a 5k at on Saturday. Wow, different from treadmill. still at about 1 hour. I stretched for 20 minutes afterward. I had on my new running shoes and socks..feet are great.rt hip and knee..owie. I'd been to the park once before at around 345 lbs and had gone with a friend and could only walk about 1/2 mile to sit on a bench. I ran past that bench and thought about that me then. She would never have believed it. I've since learned on line that that park has about 14 miles of unpaved trails..i'll be checking those out another weekend soon. I love nature.
I spent a good part of Sunday on the internet trying to find a 5k..I'm thinking I would really like to lose a little more weight and pick up my speed before I do one. the zoo 5k may be too soon,

Weight..234.6 is what I weighed Friday and as I'd written before my lowest weight since 1993 and a weight I've been yo yo ing around for 6 months now. One strategy to push thru this plateau is to go back to doing some form of exercise 7 days a week...yeah..accomplished it last week. I don't intend to push myself each day. I do somedays with 15-20 minutes..other days are 1 1/2 hrs. Also, weekends usually trip me up and when I tend to have binge behavior. this was a great weekend..planned my food..had a blip choice only once but counted the calories.
I think the only thing that could hold me from breaking through this plateau is that I did too much exercise . I don't weigh until Wednesday, so we'll see.

sending positive vibes to everone out there on this journey

234.6 pounds and Zebra running on the Highway

I know that this journey is not all about the scale. I know that first I'm working to learn to live and manage my life and my emotions without turning to my addiction. Then, I'm working to lose the excess weight that this lifestyle of food addiction created. Ultimately , I'm working to love my self and connect to my higher power. To be as healthy as I can be.

I'm here again. That magic number- 234.6 pounds . This is my all time lowest weight since 1993..last seen on Jan 30th 2010 and before that off and on since August 09. Someone suggested that maybe something happened at that weight that is making it a roadblock as I try to learn to deal with it. I'm not sure. I just wanted to say I'm here again .

I'm just trying to follow my plan-plan my food, not make it severely restrictive so that I want to obsess on treats, assess my hunger scale / motive for eating, and exercise for fun and stress release and strength. To live and relish this life.

I'll get past this number. It's time.

Zebra running down the highway. Yes, here in Atlanta there are a couple of circuses in town and little Lima the Zebra got out of his outdoor corral at the arena to hit a major highway at rush hour.Zebra on the run. Fortunately, Lima is safe and sound. This is actually Atlanta's second runaway highway zebra. Not something you see every day.

5K news. More training for my first 5k.
I've worked out hard this week. Last night, I did Pilates and Kickboxing. Tonight, I did my 5K training on the treadmill. Only did about 43 minutes and got through 2 miles. I didn't want to do the whole distance because I think I found a real 5k in late March that I want to do. We're having nice weather this weekend, and I want to get outside to at least walk a 5k at the park.

The 5k I'm eyeing is , curiously , a run at a park that contains the Atlanta zoo. Yes , running near zebras.

Brach's Pick a Mix........... Food Addict + Sugar =Amnesia

Ok, so what is a food addict who is trying to lose weight and also is diabetic doing at the Brach's Pick a Mix at the local Publix grocery store? You know it. The Plastic bins of all the individual candies that let you sample multiple treats at a time. Of course, you have to weigh that candy (and pay for it) or you can even sample a few pieces for a coin or two.

What a seemingly innocent thing. Reminds me of my child hood (my favorite line from Iron Chef Japan by the way). Years spent sucking away on little hard candy discs=Cinnamon, butterscotch, peppermint....sugar....err cavities...diabetes..chubby girl clothes.

Just fessing up--to myself and the whole world. I've gotten in to the habit of stopping by the Pick a mix stand which is conveniently right inside the Publix entrance in the magazine / book section. For the plunk of a quarter in the little change box you can get 2 pieces of candy. I guess the last 2 or 3 times I've had to go to the store I've stopped in for either 2 cinnamon discs or 2 butterscotch.

Suck suck suck, then for that extra zing of intensity you crunch down on the candy and suck some more . Wowza!
Sad to say I'm about done with piece one by the time I leave the produce aisle.
Suck Suck Suck.
Piece two gone by the time I hit the pet food aisle. Thoughts of going back for more...sure..every damn time.

Just checked out the calories on line. ..approx 23 calories per piece.
Heck. Ain't worth it.
I could have had chocolate instead :\ or fruit or cheese or nuts ..all manner of other healthier things.

So technically, food is my addiction and that makes Brach's my dealer. Hmmmmmm, not so innocent. Will "gird my loins" on the way in to Publix next time.

Food addict + sugar = amnesia

Woo hoo

Must share. At kickboxing my 235ish lb 47 yr old kicked ass on doing Abs--we did 60 abs lifts..Basically, lying on your back and holding on to your partner's legs while raising both legs from the ground up and back but with feet not touching the ground and then going to the right and left with both legs. I'm not sure what they are called. I was partnered with a sweet 15 yr old fairly fit and probably no body fat on her and she could barely do 10 without taking rest breaks.

It felt great to realize: I am fit, I am motivated, I do have drive and endurance. I may feel clumsy and think I look stupid while doing something,but I can really do this. I told her, truthfully, I've been doing these now for 6 months, so practice helps and builds your endurance. I can hold a plank for a minute now...oh yeah, I used to could not do that. I can run for 4 minutes..Oh yeah, I used to get short of breath walking 4 feet. I spend a lot of time stressing out over a "bad food day" or food taking up a lot of mental focus. But I forget the Progress I've made.

This isn't a diet. This is a long haul, hopefully for a longer and healthier life than what it would have been had I not gotten my act together on this.

Practice. Persistence. Patience. Progress.

New season of Ruby

I've shared that I like the show about Ruby because she puts it out there how it really is to be Fat in a world not designed for fat people. And I see a lot of myself in Ruby. (Plus she's a Savannah Ga girl and I love Savannah).

The new season started Sunday night and they reshow it on the Style network several times a week. The first episode shows Ruby exploring the concept of being a food addict, being in denial over this, and starting to learn about the 12 steps.

HuH? I don't get it. Surely, she knows she's a food addict . How do you get to 700+lbs and not realize it is an abnormal relationship with food?

I guess I can readily see it in myself. I just haven't really figured out how to deal with it.

Just Thinking and Doing The Work

Checking in. I'm just working through my plan..journaling food, trying to recognize real hunger versus food addict behavior, planning snacks and not acting out on food thoughts. and plenty of exercise: zumba ,walking, running, elliptical etc.

Here is the AH-HA!I remember hearing that men think about sex several times a day, and a little Google search reveals that according to Snopes.com men think about sex every seven seconds and according to Psychology today that is hogwash-probably just daily or several times a day .

I think about food several times an hour. All day long. Everytime I do it-I say "Hello, there food addict" or 'there, that's my disease.'
Is this harsh? no. It's that voice in my head that starts obsessing on an item until I have no peace. I know it's normal to think about food some of the time, but several times an hour? NAH...I'm going out of town in mid March and have already thought about the food. This is my addict and this is what it knows. I'm working on understanding this and finding balance and peace.
Just in a better place today and wanting to share awareness.

What's Goin' On....Hi, I'm a Food Addict

Officially, Valentines day as I'm bloggin at 2 am-ish. Or as my husband says "It's really just a Hallmark holiday for women"..Well, whatever. It's a big day for some people, great day for others, sorry day for some. I'm personally just going to enjoy the day (once I go to sleep, wake up and have it).

I binged today (Saturday). Not a major binge but pretty big-900 calories or so, and a wake up and time to deal with what's going on binge. Why? what now? what is it? Why do I still do this? What am I covering up? what don't I want to feel? A lot of it , I think, was my food addict knowing that I was going to the nutritionist and that I'd get some sense talked in to me and the food addict wouldn't get her way .

Yes, this is really how my brain operates.

I met with my nutritionist ( she is an eating disorder focused nutritionist)after my binge (already had an appt). I drove past a favorite old bbq restaurant on the way to the meeting and , my food addict hatched a plan to stop in and have a sandwich on the way back from the appt. Wasn't hungry, it was just my food addict plotting away ideas. What she really wanted was a treat from a bakery.

But my higher and whole self that wants to heal spoke up and discussed with the nutritionist about what I think is going on: what I ate, What I think I'm feeling and not feeling..What I've been doing. I had 2 binge episodes this week. For me, it's not about quantity but about motive and the act itself of giving in to the craziness of the food. And we discussed what I can do about this, it's no miracle or breakthrough or magic new plan. It's just working my program . 3 meals ..1-2 snacks at a total of around 1400-1600cal... stay away from processed foods (no 100 cal snack bags--except Orville r.'s 100 cal popcorn)..plan, journal, journal my hunger level and feelings, don't isolate, reach out, comfort in other ways than food.

My fall back if I'm still struggling and having binge episodes is to go on the delivered meal program 7 days a week...That means I eat what is sent to me and nothing else. It provides a great deal of structure and control, but it isn't what I want. It's what I don't want and that will motivate me to work my plan.

I also want to stop looking back at what used to work for me, which helped me lose the first 100+ lbs of this journey, as if it were some magic formula that I must have forgotten . I have to just do this thing. My exercise program is the thing that works the best for me and helps my mood the most. It's the food / emotions that is the core of what I need to work on.

I have not been 'walking the walk and talking the talk', essentially. So I'm starting over. I started over the moment I sat there and met with her today. Afterward.I went shopping and bought some clothes that fit because alot of my clothes are too big and I need to represent my body as it really is. (great sales prices btw). No BBQ sandwich.

And finally, I happened upon watching the VH1 show Celebrity Rehab . I 've never really watched these shows and the celebrities are kind of D list, but it was actually good for me to watch. One of the addicts , had their addicted part sort of take over and they almost left rehab. Later that day, he was able to look back and see how crazy it was that his disease took him right back to the point of wanting to use and walk away from the sobriety he had. It was actually a chemical reaction in his brain to the trigger of seeing his girlfriend who still uses. You could see his body sweat, his anxiety increase, and his behavior change. I totally related to that. You could see it happening at the time. I was so glad when he saw it for himself later. And that brings me back to me. Seeing it for me.

So, I am a food addict and I am working my program -one choice at a time right now.

Snow in Atlanta....for real ...and other things

Mother nature is a big flirt and has teased Atlanta all year , but she's come through . My part of Atlanta has already had 4 inches and it's still snowing and will till early am . Folks up north or in Canada snicker. Seriously, schools started closing yesterday already just in prep for the snow and the grocery stores are probably bare shelved of bread and milk today. I have the essentials-books, coffee, milk, cat and dog food and an emergency chocolate stash, and lots of oatmeal and various other healthy foods, so I'm good to go. My only concern is that my husband has to drive a little company car and has to drive a good bit today and won't get home till after dark.

Other things.............
At 47 my body surprises me every once in a while and gives me a humdinger of a monthly cycle just out of the blue ..(sorry -tmi) Only mentioned because I think it explains my severe mood swings this week, cravings, my wt is up 2 lbs and I can feel the fluid retention. I had a nasty run in on Wednesday with sugar. I'm obsessing on this new chocolate muffin at Dunkin Donuts. I've had to nap more, had cold chills and all other lovely body issues that I don't usually deal with. My cat has been extra loving in a weird way-trying to comfort me no doubt and was kneading my stomach this am while I was laying in bed today and it was very uncomfortable. thanks boy.

I see my nutritionist Saturday..I'm taking an inventory of what I'm eating to go over with her. I think I've identified some of the culprits that are keeping me from calorie deficit for wt loss. I'm probably going to have to stick to 1200-1400 cal per day to actually push thru this plateau. Not easy when you are also a compulsive over eater. Truthfully , not going to happen this weekend. I will eat out once this weekend and I already received a delivery today...hubby got me chocolate covered strawberries-- somewhat healthier than straight candy.

Valentines day is tough for many. For me, My dad was buried on Valentines day. I didn't have a real Valentine till I was 33 and in love with my husband. But it hasn't been a difficult holiday for me overall.

I've always been my own Valentine (before husband) , usually with chocolate but also bubble bath or flowers or a new book. This weekend I'll be eating strawberries, reading , watching movies on tv, and drinking coffee.
I've got my warmest Pjs and socks ready to go.

From Blue to Yellow

A kickboxing session and an episode of The Biggest Loser, and I'm not feeling so blue . Kickboxing started with 50 jumping jacks and then was high speed from there. Can't stand jumping jacks, but I rejoice at being able to do them. Each kickboxing session is different and the theme for tonight was 45 minutes of constant movement cardio...I was pretty sweaty afterward but managed to add in some extra cardio on the elliptical and the recumbent bike. So I feel strong and fit tonight. And motivated.

I hadn't been too inspired by this season of The Biggest Loser , until tonight. I just love the Yellow Team -Oneal and his daughter Sunshine. She has such a good spirit and always seems delighted by what she can do with her now healthier body. He so truly loves her and wants the best for her. At the same time, you can see how happy and joyful he is at having a chance to get fit and to reach for and accomplish goals for himself. I teared up watching Bob work with him on the bosu ball despite his severely arthritic knees. I have one knee and shin bone that hurt all the time, so I can tell from his gait how bad his knees must be.

The yellow team are very good role models to me for working hard, having a joyful and grateful spirit, and moving beyond the limits you place on yourself . I also was moved by Koli who didn't feel worthy to be in the Biggest Loser house this week and who never seems to hold his head proud and strong. I'm a sucker for the underdog and I recognize that feeling of not feeling worthy. I hope he gets to hang in there and grow that self esteem.

I'm feeling inspired.

Feeling Blue

To be a totally truthful blog , I must admit I'm feeling blue, depressed, down etc...I can identify what's causing it. It pretty much covers everything- home, work , life, health. I had my doctors apt yesterday and we talked about upping my antidepressants. I think part of being down is also that the scale is level again. not moving down. I don't usually weigh until the end of the week as my weight is always highest after a weekend. that DARN scale. I know it shouldn't have power over me, but it does.

I journaled about it. I did eat over it a little (poor choice not big volume) and that only worsens the feelings. I'm hanging in here. I'm taking care of myself . But I am feeling it.

Part of it is related to the fact that my husband doesn't really understand or fully support me in my weightloss / healthy life efforts. He likes the big booty girl. I know he misses the old spontaneous me and the eating buddy. He tests me --will I choose to go to kickboxing versus go out to eat. I didn't want to go out to eat. I pay to go to kickboxing and it is only twice a week, and I need kickboxing for stress relief and fun and for my health. I chose Kickboxing. I compromised and offered to go out to eat on Sunday (even though my plan had been to not eat out until Valentines day which he was aware of. ) So I'm sad about that. I think of this as a life or death situation based on my family history and he doesn't get that. He doesn't value his health and has food -comfort issues also. But I think as most men, he hasn't had enough of a health scare to get truly motivated. He is 11 yrs younger than me, but is overweight and won't go to the doctor. It's hard for me as a nurse to stand by and not be able to inspire him.

He doesn't read my blog, so it's good to have somewhere to say this. I've talked about it with my therapist who also has seen my husband, so I do get support on this.

And I'm not binging, I'm not obsessed with food today , I'm recognizing my sadness.

this is plain ol' feeling my feelings

5k training update..

Today I did my 2nd 5k training run..well mostly walk , a little all out running, and a good bit of jogging ..And I shaved time off from my first effort. WOOHOO!!

TIME: Last week was 67 minutes. Tonight 60.45
Whenever I did the jog / running intervals, I stared at the wall and repeated this mantra " I can do more than I think I can . I will do more than I think I can . I AM doing more than I think I can"

No idea where that came from -it just came.. But it gave me resolve and focus. I actually felt when I was stronger and ready to run faster and also felt my body slow down at times in to a groove that I could maintain for longer. The music helps too..Lady GaGa, Black-eyed Peas, Duran Duran, Coldplay.The longest I can jog is about 5 minutes in a row.

I don't even know where this desire is coming from . I like that feeling of hitting a groove and being able to do 4-5 minutes at a time. While I also know I have osteoarthritis, bone spurs in my knee, and I'm sitting here icing my hurting shin as I type. I'm probably too heavy to be trying this at 235, but it gives me such a feeling of accomplishment. I was always the chubby girl that ran slow in school, my face would be beet red, and people would laugh at me. Now I feel like if they choose to laugh then go ahead..I'm the one running right now.

Tv , Habits , and Exercise

It's about 1:24 am while I write this. I'm having a little TV motivation party all on my own with some of the weight -loss and health-related shows that I'd posted about earlier this week and DVR'd. And I am motivated and raring to go . It's always a good wake up call to hear the stats, hear again the medical lingo and see the resistance that people have to changing their lifestyle. It wakens up my analytical side and helps me take a look at what I've been doing or not doing.

First, there was Oprah's 1 hour show about Diabetes "America's Silent Killer" and the take away was that you can control and even reverse the effects of diabetes with controlling your weight by eating healthier whole foods and exercise. Not new info , but a big reminder to me about how Habits--bad habits of poor food choices and avoiding exercise can lead to killing me. And a chance for me to think about some habits I've gotten in to that are probably contributing to my plateau. And also thinking on some of the Good habits I'm developing.I've been a diabetic for over 20 years and fortunately my blood sugars and glucose control are good. I have a followup check up with my doc on Monday am.

Then I watched the Oprah episode that featured Ruby from the Style channel's show
about her journey to lose weight, starting at over 500lbs when the show began 2 years ago. I remember seeing the ads for the show and being embarrassed and shocked that someone of her size would reveal her life on the show. But I think it's a very good thing. I had similiar feelings about "the Biggest loser" when it was first advertised and now I'm an avid fan .

Ruby is now less than 350lbs and is starting to understand more about being a food addict and eating for comfort. Oprah talked about being a food addict and suppressing emotions. I'm in Atlanta and Ruby in Savannah and we could pretty much be sisters except my hair is not quite as red. Our stories and the way we developed our food addict behavior is similar also: a very depressed, suicidal mother..A disconnected father..Memories from childhood not completely there, and learning to use food early on to self medicate. And then there were snippets of Ruby's show that starts season 3 next weekend. Ruby explores plastic surgery for her hanging arm skin...my 'batwings'..Oprah calls her's her 'American Flags'. My flab distracts me when I'm at the gym..I NEVAH EVAH wear sleeveless anything.

I just relate a lot to Ruby about her journey and some of the feelings and ideas she expresses are so similar to my own. My husband and I actually got married in Savannah and vacation there often , so I enjoy watching the show for that as well. I told my husband once, if you want to understand some of my inner issues..watch Ruby.

EXERCISE
SLoooow day at work..I reviewed my online exercise journal for 2009 which is a healthy site that my employer provides. I was able to review the # of days I exercised each week, total # of minutes per week, and my weights. I noticed that the weeks I did exercise 7 days a week was when I lost weight the best.
Doh.
I always hear that you should have a rest day and have been trying to do that , and believe me that there are days I'm sore and hurt and don't want to exercise. Since I've been in the 230's to 240's now for a good 6+ months I think it's time to shake things up. I'm getting back to 7 days a week and will see what happens. I've been averaging about 5-6 hours of exercise a week but in a 5 day period. I'm going to spread that out over 7 days or even add time in . Even though I'm already doing a good mix and variety of exercise ..it always helps to keep your body guessing and mix up your exercise program.

***I sometimes wonder if someone reading about the amt of exercise I do contributes to some fear or feelings because you might not be able to exercise as much or concern that I'm not losing weight like crazy with all that exercise. (I know it bothers me.) But I have a body that doesn't WANT to lose weight. I'm 47, a diabetic, genetically predisposed to being overweight, and had lived a very sedentary life for many years and now work at a desk job. This is a recipe for being fat. I get discouraged sometimes because I feel like there is a lot of effort going in to my lifestyle now , but not necessarily the reciprocating weight loss. That's why this is a mind -body -spirit approach and I look for non scale victories all the time. **

I also reviewed my diet journals for what snacks I ate over the last month. I've definitely veered into some habits that could probably do with a change
1. eating 100cal snack bags of choc covered pretzels
2. having more carb / bread like snacks versus dairy / protein / veg / fruit
3. I have been stress eating related to work issues and feeling scared and uneasy about work. I'm tired of it. Ready to move on . Plan my vacation. Get some work done around the house and yard,

So this is what I'll be working on food / exercise wise. I've been re-evaluating what I'm' doing and thinking. I'm starting my art project this weekend also. I have an idea of what it's going to be..will fill yall in later.

Here is to a great Saturday ..may it be as productive or restful as you want it to be. :)

This is not a Twilight article / Riding emotion rollercoaster last few days

...But that is one good looking man who plays in the Twilight Movies -Peter Facinelli and I just wanted to look at a really yummy man on my blog.......;)

The roller coaster at work is rolling. The layoffs happened yesterday and I'm still employed, but we are all facing major work flow changes , etc, etc,...still an uneasy feeling. Though relief.

My intuition had been building each day this week that it was about to happen. I started stress eating. I had binge behavior in that it was eating for emotional release and comfort though the quantity wouldn't constitute a binge. That at least is the difference. Now the behavior is that I'm eating food that just puts me over a desired calorie allotment set for weight loss whereas in the old days it was to eat to a feeling of numbness, complete fullness / sedation level . In other words, Not like a whole pizza and pint of ice cream in one sitting in the old days. But probably a good extra 400-600 calories.

I'm not beating myself up for this. I used other techniques and methods to deal with the stress and anxiety that I felt, and I feel I was successful. I journaled a great deal and used other comfort techniques: listened to Two Fit CHicks podcast, exercise, walked dogs, and planned out an art project. One thing I learned is that I have to be careful about food triggers during this kind of time, just to ease some of the stress and temptation. Even reading a wt loss magazine or a Prevention would trigger me to wanting foods and food obsession, just as the food network does or commercials for restaurants on the radio. I was very clear on what was bothering me and how I felt. A little extra pecans or 3 100 cal bag of chocolate covered pretzels , doesn't ease that feeling of distress ....I know that.

So I told myself this -things I've read on the wt loss blogs and things I've said as well.
-START over this minute. Even if that means , starting over each and every minute.
-Make a better choice.
-Just stick to my plan for the day.
-DON'T BEAT UP ON MYSELF. This was a rocky week and a lot was at stake and now it's time to just ease up--breathe, release stress, start over with program one choice at a time.

Weight Loss Tv

While I was eating lunch I just channel searched to see what the topics for Dr. Oz, Oprah and Rachel Ray are for the rest of the week to see if I want to watch any of them--I record them with our dvr. Some good diet related shows coming up this week. I'd recorded Oprah's show last week where she interviews Michael Pollan about the food industry and what we should eat and I found it very educational.

I watch The Biggest Loser, Ruby when it's on--new season starts 02/14 , and have just started watching Carnie Wilson : Unstapled on the Gameshow network..and then odds and ends as I see them.

Here's what I found:
Tuesday
Rachel Ray -today features Alison Sweeny from The Biggest Loser and a whole diet-related show.

Wednesday
Oprah: a show that features reality show people. There will be a segment on Ruby.

Thursday:
Oprah: a show focused on diabetes and fitness..Dr Oz, Dr Ian Smith and Bob Greene will be on .

Dr OZ : will have a feature about Carnie Wilson 's weight loss efforts and other's wt loss efforts.

February WOO HOO

Ok, it isn't that exciting. It's just good to be moving forward out of January. So I just have a few quick unrelated things to post..

--my dog is sleeping with her eyes open right now and it looks kinda cool.
--Work is really making me Sad and anxious (layoffs looming) and my little food addict wants to comfort me. I feel like my life is on hold for now. I'm going to journal journal journal when those feelings come.
-- Today I got really really phsycially hungry when technically I shouldn't have been hungry, so I ate a mini healthy sandwich--1/2 of an earthgrain thin bun thing with a turkey meatball and 2% milk cheese..yummy. hunger gone until lunch time.
--I like those pastel soft chenille socks that are for lounging around the house. I have about 6 new pairs since my birthday (sock geek?). I just washed several of them . I can only find one color for each pair. I've looked everywhere.
--Usually, the gym is starting to quiet down already by this time of year,but tonight it was packed. I did 32 minutes on the elliptical and 23 on the bike..Sweated. my self esteem perks up when I do these things.
--New J Jill catalog came and I love their clothes. I'm going to pick out an item and have it be a motivator for me to get to the 220's. The colors and the clothes look so peaceful. Will be next to my desk while I'm working and stressing out. an
--I'm looking forward to eating out for the first time this year on Valentines day with my husband, but I realize I really want him to have equal input as to where. So the food addict isn't calling the shots.

Time to hit the shower and get my workout clothes ready for the morning..cause I need to be ready for wt training at 7:10am..