Progress: This Week..This Month..This Year

This is a Body-Mind-Spirit Approach and a 2 part mission.
One part is changing my body to get to a healthier weight, hopefully out of the obese category. The other part is healing my emotional / mental attachments to food that got me to 200lbs overweight and completely addicted to food just as a heroin addict or alcoholic is addicted.

Body:
1. My wt is down from last week and overall for January down 12.6lbs (this is much more than I usually lose, but it's weight that I quickly just added on after Christmas--bottom line -probably a lot of water.)
2. Inches lost though too, I've added some of my measurements to my stats page.
Wow, at 345 I was about 5'3 ft tall by 5 ft around. And I felt it.
3. Exercise-this is spot on . I 'm so proud of this aspect. Last night I completed a 5k walk / jog on the treadmill for the first time. 67 minutes. I didn't know if I could do it. I 'm definitely not ready for a real 5k, but I'm so proud of that. I was wet with sweat. An older man came up to me and commended me on my effort and how fit I was to still be doing intervals of jogging in the last 10 minutes.

Mind and Spirit -I often combine these because they seem interconnected for me.
1. The Food Addict and The Strict Dieter / Inner Critic: I would say I've progressed this month in awareness and analysis and then asking myself what I really want and then following the alternative. Not always-progress not perfection. My therapist uses a technique in therapy called Parts / IFC therapy . Bottom line, I have parts of my personality that I developed over time to take care of me. So the feelings I had early on as a young child of fear / anger/ sadness/ neglect were comforted by Food ,and so my food addict was created. But a dieter off and on from childhood and now a nurse, I have the knowledge and know how of how to diet and why to diet and what happens if I don't lose weight. And I switch in to this part also to try to take care of my fear / anger / sadness. This part also beats up on me and my food addict (reflects a lot of society's views on obesity). So this doesn't last long and the Food addict takes over. An ongoing cycle.

I would say I'm improving regarding recognizing the food addict and her motivations which are simply to comfort me and to shift my focus on to food rather than what is really bothering me. I tend to get really frustrated with that part of me and beat up on that part of myself. My therapist wants me to learn to say "Hey, I recognize I'm trying to take care of myself with food and I love that part of me but it doesn't really work for me. Nor does this strict inner critic. I have a whole self and a higher spirit that really loves me and knows what I want and can take care of me without food. I can unburden these feelings and heal my self without having to obsess on food or obsess on dieting / losing weight." This is still a work in progress.

2. Plans I set up at the beginning of 2010 for January were to avoid my trigger places : starbucks, paneras, dunkin donuts and to not eat out until Feb 14.
If going to bookstore coffeeshop, take my own snack.

So far, I've been to Starbucks once with a friend , but otherwise I'm spot on. I tend to have amnesia at times and completely forget this. For example, I just saw a segment about healthy fast food at Chipotle and was quite ready to get it for dinner. Or I've often thought about driving thru Dunkin Donuts and then- Wham! I remember.I have had Subway brought home once a week with the lower calorie / fat menu items.


3. Which leads me to another part of the mental / spirit part of this mission and h ow connected it is to the first part-losing the weight. That strict dieter / inner critic part gets fed a lot by blogging-tv -magazines-me being obsessed, and I'm seeking for balance with this too. I hit the 100lb wt loss mark on 07/03/09. Since August 2009, My weight has been approximately 234-238 with an occasional spike to low 240's after a trip or event or a holiday ( as it did after Christmas). I got back to 234.6 yesterday , walk/jogged that 5k last night, and my wt is up to 236.2 today. I didn't count that , because I'm learning that intense exercise make you retain fluids. I exercise intensely quite a bit. I can't seem to shake the 230's. Is this the wt my body wants to be? It wouldn't make sense to me, but I'm committed to just doing the work that needs to get done to give myself a fair chance.

I'm ready to be in maintenance because right now to lose wt it takes a great deal of time / effort /very tight calorie control / intense exercise. I know maintenance will be just as much work , but I'm tired of the focus on weight and being as restrictive as I have to be. I'm hoping and my dietitan says that in maintenace I won't have to be as restrictive. I feel like I've been restrictive but had no wt loss essentially in the last several month. I think when I lost the 100 lbs my body image changed, I wasn't comfortable with it, Skin was hanging that I was ashamed of, and suddenly people noticed me and spoke to me. I'm ready to move on . I'm setting measurable goals. And I'm working to recognize my accomplishments

Do I want to get below 234? --Yes ,just because it has become this physical / mental barrier that seems an impossibility.

Goals
1. Continue my current exercise regimen and adding in increased running, weekly 5k distance trials to increase my speed and endurance.
2. Select an actual 5k race in mid -late spring and do it.
2. Continue to carefully measure foods when eating foods not on my delivery program.
3. Plan and cook healthy weekend meals.
4. Lighten up emotionally. Laugh, Journal, Do Art.
5. Continue to recognize trigger places / continue to avoid them if I start obsessing. I will continue to avoid Starbucks, Paneras, and Dunkin Donuts in Feb. I'm eating out on Valentines day with my husband. I think the weekly Subway visits are good variety, and something I would plan to do once I'm completely off the food delivery system I eat. I want to revisit the eating out at restaurants after Valentines day.
6. blog my accomplishments -good choices each week.

That's it...long winded..had to be figured out and said. This is very much a journal / reminder for me. I post it to the world essentially to make it real. To give and gain insight and support.

Friday Check In--more awareness about food cravings

Technically , I'm working..but I work at home and my home computer sits next to my work computer..lots of tech here, so I just had a little breakthrough and wanted to share. Oh, photo explanation at bottom.

But first, Saturdays are my weekly check in -I officially weigh and post it --only my husband and doctor and all you lovely people know my wt..not my trainer / friends/ family..I know that's weird , but I don't think anyone understands this journey but those of us really in it. But I realized this is also really a monthly check in and look at my progress so far in 2010, so measurements are being taken now as well.

So Saturday in Atlanta is supposed to be very cold and rainy , but no SNOW ( mother nature teasing us again ). I'll be drinking coffee, reading blogs, posting, and organizing my house. I will drag my arse to the gym because last weekend I used the weekend as "rest days" which was a big mistake. No dopamine rush from exercise left me a little depressed, i felt a little isolated, and eating chocolate and eating for the wrong reasons last Sunday . So I'll be be going through files / boxes etc getting papers ready to take to a big Shredder Event next weekend..it's like big citywide party where you can show up and throw your papers in to a giant shredder with food / games / music etc...I'm a procrastinator and have found pay stubs and cancelled checks from the 90's, so I'm collecting a big box for next weekend's party.

So my breakthrough thought has to do with awareness over why I'm eating or craving foods that I don't really need. Just a little while ago I really had a hankering for a toasted turkey and swiss sub from Subway. I went through my HALT..I'm not hungry at all, it isn't even time to eat at 10:30 am . I wasn't angry or anxious. I wasn't lonely or feeling anything about my own personal life. I wasn't tired, it wasn't time to eat, I didn't even want any Tea as I'm sipping a little extra French Vanilla Coffee. So what is it..What could be bothering me to make me literally play a mental tape of what it looks..smells..tastes like to eat that turkey sub. I was obsessing over that turkey sub and wanting to get up and go get one at Subway less than a mile away. I asked my husband if he wanted one for supper tonight. I was obsessing over the spicy mustard taste.

Then it hit me.
First, last night I got my husband a turkey / swiss sub at the grocery store and it looked pretty good , but I was more entranced with the guy making it..Cute!..I even admitted it to my husband since he looks like he probably is the cousin or brother of an actor I admire.

Next, my coworker had just called me for help with a patient we are both following ( we are nurse case managers)..it's a really sad medical situation and we were frustrated with the actions of one of the MD's and that we couldn't help the patient.

Bingo!!

Sometimes it's the work i do, the sad and devastating situations I see that really get to me and trigger my food addict to try to comfort me by putting the focus on food. My food addict learned this habit when I was a child because food was the only reliable comforter I had.
so, now I can have awareness, I can blog about it, I can pray about it..I have to let things go after I've done the best that I can for someone .
Good lesson learned for me.

And I leave with you a photo of the actor Stark Sands from Generation Kill whose cousin or brother made my husband's sub at a Publix in Atlanta.

A Better Day, Awareness and Halt

Things are just going better overall today.
This is what I call my "heavy" exercise day --an early am wt training session / a half hour dog walk/jog, Kickboxing class..When I work this hard I sleep well and I realize the accomplishments I'm making. Yes, my hips hurt, my knee, my shin, my foot..etc etc..So I'll treat myself with Mineral salt soaks , anti-inflammatories, more rest on Wednesday.

Today, I've been more in tune to my body and hunger and motivation for eating. It's been more about: Am I actually hungry? Do I want to eat a treat out of habit or do I want to consider this an opportunity to eat in resonse to phsysical hunger. Or yes, I am actually hungry and it's time for an appropriate snack. Or intellictually knowing that it's going to be too long till I eat dinner, and I have a hard workout coming up that I'll need the energy for.

While it does seem like a lot of focus on food and hunger, this awareness is what my dietician has been teaching me about and what I need to have. Because when I'm in the opposite of awareness is when I'm overeating, making poor food choices for my health , or all out bingeing. When I'm not in awareness is when I'm masking what I'm feeling or trying to make myself feel better with food. Then the vicious cycle is that I'll usually feel worse because of my weight and health.

In Overeaters Anonymous and many diet books along the way, I learned the acronym to ask myself before I wanted to eat - To say to myself HALT and ask myself ? Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired?

I've kind of built on to this. I try to ask myself what ever questions I can..

H-Am I really phsyically hungry?, Is it mouth hunger? a need for oral sensation,or is it mental hunger-playing a memory tape of a happy time or a food memory tape ? Is it a habit?

A-Am I angry, anxious? apathetic?

L-Am I lonely, How do I want to live?

T-Am I tired, Can I try something else?, Is it time to eat? Can I drink Tea to soothe myself?

It's not a done list. I think of other things along the way. I'm inspired to create an art project to post near my desk or our kitchen and may focus it on this. I am no artist , but I can get caught up in doing something with color or stickers and my little kid comes out and plays. In the past, just thinking about a project or collecting the materials has kept me from making a poor food choices that I would later regret.

I work out very hard and devote a lot of time and effort to exercise and to the mental/emotional process of dealing with my food issues. I just don't feel that the physical results that I see are really a true representation of the total effort. I believe that what and how much I'm eating is part of the culprit. It's not that I have to be that certain weight, I'm just ready to get out of that "morbidly obese category" . To move better. To run a little faster. To have even more energy. To see results of improved health and vitality.

So today I was in a better place and I'm more aware and just wanted to share something I'm doing that is helping today.

"I don like Mondays.."..more progress not perfection

I don't like this Monday because Sunday was sort of a failure and because my work is incredbly slow...I feel like it's the silence before the big layoffs / restructure. I prefer to be "balls to the wall" busy. I'm doing clean up of my files / emails / office and study up on whatever I can .

I made a very nice Turkey meatballs spagetti from a recipe on Sunday and that was really good. But I got in to the carbs and chocolate on Sunday , so I'm not happy with myself on that. I don't know what I was feeling, because techincally I didn't feel it. I think I was feeling dreary about a situation with one of our church friends and worrying about work (though this is vague because I really tried not to think about it. ) I did work on some of the projects at home that I wanted to , but not all. I felt a little overwhelmed by one project

oh sigh!....it's sunny and windy and cool after a rainey weekend..taking dogs for a walk and will continue to get done office clean up.

So overall, I will try to look at today as getting a lot done, my own home office reorg, food is back on plan and journaling and exrcise is dog walk today / zumba tonight...I think for next weekend I will plan all my snacks and plan treats in to the program and variety so that I don't go off plan as I did Sunday.

Eat More Veggies...and odds and ends

I got kinda caught up in work / exercise and didn't acknowledge Lyns Habit A Week Challenge...Eat More...veggies, new veggies, and for me since I already eat plenty of fruit and veg..I'm adding veggie soups more, turkey recipes, raw nut and fruit snacks..etc.. so far doing well on this one..

Odds and Ends
1.-- a coworker suggested and Really tried to encourage me that my husband and I adopt an orphan from Haiti...hmmm. I'm 47 and he's 36 and we both had some childhood experiences that made us realize we did not have good parenting role models. We would really want to be good parents. Not that we didn't try to have a baby. Maybe one day I'll write about the horrible gyn md appt that sent me home enraged and crying at the same time and lying in a fetal position on the floor( essentially I was too fat in his opinion at 294 for a pregnancy). ( Ok must add cuz I just remembered it...he actually told me at the appt that he usually gives a Hershey's kiss to his patients after their exam, but due to my weight he wasn't giving me one.......WTF? )
But back to the adopting a Haitian orphan my response was essentially ..." We are having enough trouble raising ourselves in a healthy way and caring for our pets and home."

I have a lot of mixed feelings on the subject in general, but thought this was kinda bizarre/weird/intriguing/thought provoking. I do hope if people who are wanting to adopt and know it's right for them that they are able to ease up any of the barriers to adoption that so many face.

2. Biggest Loser odds and ends...It seems like for this season they picked couples that fit in to type cast slots to mimic other seasons. The Tongan cousins. The twin brothers. The super blonde mom and daughter team in pink. The daughter of the purple team looks like brittany from season 5. The mom and son team with reddish blond hair in orange like the mom/son in orange season 5. It was just really, familiar....That being said I still am an avid fan and still find something in every episode that speaks to me. It was heartbreaking to see Jillian trying to break through the wall of anger and avoidance of feeling that Migdalia of the green team was feeling. That was familiar for me...

4. Quick rant.. I paid one month ahead on my mortgage last year so that I would be ahead. My mortgage company harasses me if I don't pay the mortgage on the 1st which is why I paid the extra month ahead. grrrrrrrrrrrr

5. and a funny ...my husband eats these frozen chinese meals in little chinese take out cartons..our dog pooter who is a major food addict chichuachua peke lurves to lick plates and containers..got her entire head in to the container and was on the sofa with her head stuck in the container looking around in slow motion..it was truly hilarious..just imagine..:)

Saturday's progress report

Where am I on the Mind- Body - Spirit approach?

Difficult week emotion-wise due to work changes, , sadness about the job thing and the images and sadness of Haiti, and concerns about layoffs at work. Emotionally, I had to pull myself up from a very low place and back up to functioning. I'd asked my husband to help me, his comment to me was "what can you control in this? do something about what you can control" and he periodically pulls off the wall to show to me the framed sign that I got him that says DO NOT WORRY followed by scripture.

I did not go on a mini food binge or eat trigger foods, and I felt these feelings. (success)

Control
So I'm taking a day today to get control of some things in my life that are out of my control such as cleaning up my home office, our business papers, sorting through boxes of mailings that should be trashed or shredded, etc...will be watching movies or listening to music during this...Also, I have a mini mountain of clean clothes that needs to be put up. And I made my donations at work for Haiti that will be matched $ for $.

I also recognize I need to work on my spirit a little..pray, journal, quiet time, read...

Planning meals for the weekend. I'm going to make a turkey pepperoni / veggie cheese pizza tonight (boboli crust) and found a recipe for turkey meatballs for slow cooker..I'm switching the recipe from bbq meatballs to meatballs and spaghetti sauce. We use a whole grain pasta that is white still but has protein and fiber like the whole wheat varieties (can't remember which brand--I always just recognize it.)
We have never used ground turkey much so this is new...

Body--weight is up .4 lbs...Considering the amt I lost early in January it's probably normal for my body to hold still..our bodies strive to retain balance and regulate for it( homeostasis)..I've never been one to lose a certain
# of pounds each week. Usually, it comes in spurts..lose 1 wk..nothing for 3 then lose...But am I disappointed still? yeah kinda

Exercise-wise have had an hour or so every day and 2 "heavy" days which are cardio/wt training days of closer to 2 hrs. Except for walking the dogs, today is a "rest" day. A lot of my bones are aching today.

In all, it was really a successful week..a good reminder to me to measure success in ways other than the scale. And that I always won't feel "up and peppy" and I don't have to eat to try to change that.

Therapy

Doing better than the last post. Have not binged or used food and I'm proud of that.I genuinely am feeling my sadness. I'm not allowing myself to over obsess about what I can't control. Exercise, Soaking in Epsom salt bubble baths, and painting my toenails a soft pink have brightened me up and purple flannell pjs..

And I've had some movie therapy...or at least saw parts of these
Coccon..haven't seen that in ages, 1985 wow
Yes Man with Jim Carey--it was kinda cute
Bridget Jones Diary--I'm a sucker for Mr. Darcy ..this is a movie I'll watch almost whenever I come across it on tv.
Weird Science--80's great

Gratitude not Attitude

Is it Friday yet? Seriously. I'm about done.
Work issues have left me very down..Tuesday was about the most depressed I've been recently since either a. we thought we had mold growing in the house or b. I thought my dog Pooter was dying (thank God not).

I've gone from a meaningful job to a meaningless job. I'm trying as hard as I can to make it meaningful and to have a good attitude and just to be grateful this is my biggest problem. But the shadow of already announced layoffs to come and the deathnell of company emails about "we know you are all concerned and we are trying to come up with the best way to align positions, but meanwhile 'keep working you still have a job to do .'

I'm too tired to post more or read blogs or comment and I'm thinking I'm heading to bed now..but here is what I'm grateful for:

I am happy and proud that I did not eat over this.
I am so glad I danced at Zumba Monday, did kickboxing class Tuesday where my trainer had me do knee kicks for a full minute encouraging me to take it out on him, , took a walk in the sun today, did a weight training class tonight and went to Bible study.
I am grateful for all the blessings I have-my husband and animals and home and church and family.
I am grateful for my job and when I do get to sometimes help people.
I am grateful for life.

At The Picture Show...Movies so far 2010

On a lighter note, I watched several movies over the last 2 weeks....Most at home and Some at the theater (picture show as we called it in my hometown) and watched the Golden Globes last night. For some reason , I'm just not driven to see Avatar but I feel like I'll have missed something major if I don't see it on the Big Screen.


Here's the latest roundup so far in 2010
1. Sunshine Cleaning--- very good, coulda kept going and going
2. The Uninvited----meh
3. Angels and Demons--meh
4. It's Complicated (Meryl Streep)--laughed and laughed, loved the house, made smoking pot look fun
5. The Young Victoria --loved it
6. Inglorious Bastards --loved it, thought provoking, want to rewatch it, we rewatched certain scenes over and over because the acting was so good
7. Paranormal Activity--kinda boring at first , tension brewing, freaked me out
8. Sherlock Holmes---loved it
9. Generation Kill-not a movie theater movie, but hbo series..we're almost finished with it..very moving, highly recommended but very graffic
10.Band of Brothers--rewatching it..another hbo series, husbands favorite
11.Rachel Getting Married--enjoyed Anne Hathaway's performance but overall just ok.
12 I've seen bits and pieces of several movies that I got caught up in and don't remember the name but the acting or the clothes or the story line hooked me for a short time
13 Rewatched with husband a Quentin Tarantino minifestival...Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2...unknown how many times we've watched these over the years
14. Disneys' A Christmas Carol--with Jim Carrey---HATED THIS

Pondering about a Healthy Lifestyle and the Wall

Off today due to MLK holiday...... still in pjs...
I've read some new blogs today..mostly weight loss blogs that I'd found through links from other sites. This little web of self help and reaching out to others is chock full of wisdom.
The bottom line of the best messages that I absorbed are this:

Do what you can to create a sustainable, healthy lifestyle where weight loss just happens to be the byproduct.

Success equals looking at the big picture for what you want your life to be, and then set goals and use your tools to get there.


My main goal is health. A healthy lifestyle.
Physical health and mental health.
To be able to move with less pain and to move faster and surer.
To be able to challenge myself with exercise.
To feel confident.
To feel all of my emotions and be ok with that and not eat food over it.
See my lab #s continue to improve.
To lose enough weight that I don't have to sleep with a cpap.
To not be a prisoner to my food addict.
To be able to look at an event or a trip or a holiday for the wholeness of what it is not just the food bits.
To not be obsessing over food and going back/forth in my head to decide on food and then feeling like a failure when I indulge in food that I shouldn't eat.
To avoid repeating mistakes . To remember that empty feeling when I've eaten foods or binged on things just for the hope it will fill the emptiness and knowing that it didn't.

My husband today commented that my arse was a bit bonier.
Technically, I'm 100lbs over weight still despite having lost 100lbs. Yet, I'm the smallest I've been since the 80's. I don't really have a goal weight in mind. I have an idea that I'd like to be a size 14 . Don't know when that last was either..junior high? But size 14 is what a friend of mine is who is of similar height , so I can visualize that size. And it seems to be the cut off for sizes at certain clothing stores. I'm currently wearing anything from an 18 to a 22 depending on the cut. So if I had to be specific, size 14 would be my goal....I guess.

But I know I can't measure my success by a size really or a certain weight# because these are all unknown territory for me. I know that just getting out of the 230's feels like a milestone. But one I've not been able to do for a couple of decades overall and for several months now specifically. So my push is to get to the 220's just to break this wall down that says two thirty something...

I'm doing more towards having and living a healthy lifestyle than ever before. So I am visualizing this as pushing the bricks out of the wall of two thirty something.

Signed up for Pound for Pound Challenge todayhttp://pfpchallenge.com/

http://pfpchallenge.com/

Saturday Progress Report--3 day weekend

3 Day weekend ..WOOHOOO!!!!!!
This is the time I love..starting a 3 day weekend. full of promise..But also sometimes full of potential landmines because with less structure there is more chance for poor choice making.
So how I'm handling this..
1. Planned food for today including snacks --meals, popcorn /chocolate for movie (going to see "It's Complicated")
2. Planning meals for Sunday
3. Have my Good Measure Meals already for Monday
4. Planning exercise for each day --
5. Take time Every day to work on the mental / spiritual / emotional part of this journey--journal exercises, reading, writing

Progress this week since last Sunday
Weight -down to 236.0 down so far 11.2 for 2010

Eating -overate last Sunday -I cooked pot roast the first time in a year and this was a favorite food that my mom cooked, so I ate a little extra the first night. Did a great job of measuring and weighing everything when I realized that it was triggering me to overeat. Otherwise calories maintained in the 1400-1600 range. Substituted hot chocolate when the cravings for chocolate started.
quality of food improving-more nuts/ fruit/ veggies/ putting less pepper on foods

exercise--consistent about 40 minutes a day except rest days and my heavy day (2 hours)..my rest day I walked the dogs only--no jogging.

emotions-journaled my feelings everyday but one. this week was spent training a replacement to take my job while I make a lateral move..I was accepting of this and had a great deal of "love" and positivity shown to me from the people I work with currently that I'm leaving...getting a little nervous about aspects of my new job and also concerned because there is less autonomy in that role
still with the overshadowing that the company will be laying off hundreds of folks in the next month or so...

Mental--In Kickboxing class I have to remind myself that I'm still about 100 lbs heavier and 10 or 20 years older than most of my teammates, and that I won't be as fast as everyone else or as strong. I tend to beat up on myself that I'm holding people back , but I know that there are others that think I have courage to put myself in this class / challenge.

That about covers it...
Goal for life: Keep on at it,appreciate life, care for others, do the best I can

prayers for haiti

I have nothing to give but money and prayers and I am doing so, for Haiti. I read a quote that a survivor had said "things that were important are no longer important".
That sums it up.

And then this.
I tend to be a teeeny amount psychic sometimes...not about exact things or important events.....weird random stuff....maybe it's just synchronicity or intuition.

On Tuesday morning in my journal the writing exercise said to write what you are grateful for and to fill the page with it. I wrote at the bottom after writing down my list that "I feel guilty because i have so much. I think of mindfullness-taking a full one or two minutes to eat a raisin or to breathe just to relish it. We rush through life. "

Move It or Lose It! : Habit-a-Week Challenge

There is never a truer statement.
Maybe I see it that way because I'm a nurse that works with people who have had strokes/head injuries/brain tumors that have rendered them unable to walk , talk, or think even (not to mention the finer things of life like stretching, snuggling, dancing....) Then there are those folks who whether through lifestyle or hereditary traits have illness or have joints that wear out and need replacement. Or the super obese persons who have accidents or illness just like everyone else, but face additional challenges emotionally and physically to regain the level they had before. Whatever the reason , I've come to think of it as that a person hits a 'tipping point' where life goes from the way it was where there were possibilities to do or be what you want to one where you hope to just have some quality of life

This is the reality of my full time job and seeing the loss and the struggles and the recovery helped me recognize that being at 345 pounds(and rising)at 44 years old wasn't living. I had exercised and tried to lose weight over and over through the years and never succeeded, always sinking back in to a very sedentary and "comfortable" existence that involved never breaking a sweat. And still binging on food to cover my emotions though I knew it wasn't helping.

But my physical reality was aches and pains and being short of breath getting out of a chair or walking through the house. I was getting tired walking through grocery stores and realized I always drove around the parking lots to get the closest parking slots while I eyed the handicapped spaces wishfully. I realized I went to the smaller stores , so I would have the energy to get through shopping. I never walked my dogs reminding myself that they had the whole back yard to run in. Was this quality of life?

Feeling desperate after following a patient who died at 53 with my same name and similar illness to me, I was inspired to try something. anything. Joining Curves with a friend was the beginning for me and I know that things like blogs and the Biggest Loser encouraged me to do what I didn't think possible. I was so embarrassed at the beginning of my size and my inability to perform the exercises perfectly or get out of the machines easily. It was a challenge, but I kept at it. Losing weight and inches and being recognized by everyone at Curves boosted my self esteem. I kept going. I started walking my dogs and they loved..LOVED being on a leash and walking in our neighborhood. I remember when I went around the block for the first time and how proud I was because I'd been afraid I would get exhausted and not be able to make it. Then the fears I had about trying another street and what if I couldn't tolerate that, but eventually I did it.

Eventually, I faced my fears and joined a gym which changed my life for the better. I tried the elliptical and could only do 3 minutes the first time. I could just walk slow while holding on the the treadmill or ride slow on the recumbent bike. Overtime, I kept pushing myself and regaining the use of my body and losing weight. I worked with a trainer who was also overweight , but she inspired me and showed me how to push myself and I jogged for 10 seconds for the first time. I was too afraid to take the classes I saw at the gym until I took her class that included pilates and yoga moves. I added in weight training and tougher cardio workouts. I remember that I really sweated and was so proud.

Today, which is 3 years later than the first Curves workout I'm at 236 pounds and my knees and butt and shoulders are sore today because yesterday I had my once a week "Heavy day "..A 30 minute a.m. wt training session, mid-day 20 minute jog/walk with dogs, 45 minute Kickboxing class and 30 minutes of a Zumba class. I have quality of life. I feel great that I can do this and that it as much about pushing myself out of a comfort zone and facing fears and living as it is about hitting a target heart zone or building muscle strength.

I joined the Habit-A-Week Challenge from Lyn's blog Escape from Obesity http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/
Week 1 Increase Fluid Intake
Week 2 Move-Increase activity

I think I'm now in the habit of moving, but I can always challenge myself and do more. Zumba class is a new exercise for me and is just dancing and laughing and shaking your butt basically. I'm also hoping my knees will hang in there while I try to increase my jogging distance and time. Now I'm at a half a mile and my goal is to work on getting to 1 mile. Maybe a 5k before summer. I have to take care of myself as I try to do this: good diet, rest, ice to knees after exercise, epsom salt baths to soak out soreness, anti -inflammatory meds if needed. Giving in and visiting the orthopedist for a check up because my knees have joint replacements in their future. Losing the weight and moving are the Best thing I can do for them .

So Yeah, Move it of Lose it!

Geek's Weekend update

Saw this. very GOOD. GEEK for period films with lush costumes and palaces and pure romance. It's one of those films that is best seen on the big screen. I enjoyed it so much I bought a biography about Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. Which leads to ....

Bookstore geek: love me some Borders or Barnes and Nobles. In Atlanta in the 80's and 90's we had this great bookstore chain Oxford books. Now out of business, they were what formed my love of bookstores and I spent hours perusing shelves, drinking coffee while journaling at a table in the cafe, or reading magazines in the giant magazine section. Kind of like the backdrop behind the Tom Hanks- Meg Ryan movie "You've got Mail"--local bookstore goes under when the corporate giant moves in. But like customers of 'the little shop around the corner' in the movie, we move on to bigger , brighter and available. So my friend and I have an after-movie ritual of talking and having coffee or cocoa at bookstore. Besides the biography, I have also picked up on sale the pocket guide of Calorie Kings calorie guide for $1.99 just because it was 2009 version. The 2010 version is considerably more. I can always use another calorie counter.

Saboteur: Sunday morning-I slept too late for church and the husbands starts in with "lets get ihop"..even he starts looking up calories now though and after some time of deliberation we went through the idea of ihop, bojangles for breakfast--650 calories for 1 steak biscuit!!, burger king for him , then my little food addict says ooohh dunkin donuts raisin bagel

.....then............screech...........whoa....I said that was a trigger place I was fully avoiding for the month of January just to break away from the carb party I had in Nov-Dec 2009..

It's not that I can't have a bagel or count up the calories for a meal. It's that the food throws me in to craving baked goods and thinking that it's ok to get in to the habit of going there again.

My husband misses the food buddy that ate take out, junk food etc with him and sometime has a hard time accepting my healthy food interests. We gained 50 to 100lbs each within a few years of getting together from take out/ eating out/ cookies and baked goods.He's trying to eat better and move more, but he's just not really committed yet.

I righted my thinking..remembered my plan, and made the brunch I planned for myself. Food measured, calories counted. He got japanese stir fry take out.
Brunch: 1/2 baked sweet potatoe, 1 oz pecans, 4 turkey sausage balls, 1/2 piece cheese, 1/2 cup fruit salad, and coffee , coffee, water. ...Full.

today: crockpot pot roast with veggies is going, dogs to be walked, cardio at gym, appt with my nutritionist later, and.....sigh...take down the Christmas tree. I'm A SLACKER on putting up decorations. More of husbands dvd "Generation Kill maybe.

Happy Sunday

Progress not Perfection

So I reset my healthy living / "diet" as of 1/1/10 to focus on more of a Mind-Body-Spirit approach. I had an assignment from my counselors to look back over 2009 at my accomplishments. This was an assignment given to me when I was struggling with focusing on food / overeating / depression. So here goes..1st a look at 2010 so far and then later a look at 2009 as a whole. I also looked over the tools I'd journaled about for 2010, and so far I'm on track and using all of them.

2010 reset Mind Body Spirit
Today these seem all interconnected and I can barely seperate them.
Here's how it's goin.
--Weight loss-yes, I lost 8.8 lbs since 1/1. Woo hoo..!! I actually think this was a lot of water weight and I know it's weight I had JUST put on after the holidays. I am not expecting this to happen next week or the next.
--Scale : I do not weigh every day . I'm sticking to 2 x a week only . I tend to judge myself or have a bad day if I'm up even a few ounces. And I'm working too hard for that.
--Planned and cooked healthy foods last weekend and so far again today . That's going well. Only a little blip here and there.
--Increasing water intake..health challenge. Going well, but not quite at the 113 oz that an online site says I need.
--Exercise-I'm averaging an hour a day and have taken 2 rest days this week when I was really hurting or it just wasn't the best thing for me or my husband. He appreciates that and it is progress.
--Sleep: I've gone to bed early a couple of nights this week and got extra sleep. Priceless
--Techniques to avoid mindless eating: brushed my teeth after breakfast and lunch,focused on and journaled hunger/fullness, self talk, drank tea or water or sugar free cocoa

Connecting with others...getting out of myself..this is a big piece that needed to change..
--journal , journal , journal. Blog , Blog , blog: Opening up my true feelings and thoughts on my blog and others. This is going pretty well. Sometimes while I'm working I'll start focusing on having a craving or obsessing on a food item and I stop and jot down the time and what's going on . Trying to recognize what is bothering me because I'm not really dealing with it if it's making me want to eat. Turning that discomfort or bad feeling into "how can I deal with this or work through this without food and without obsessing on food". So far this is working. --my new food journal also has a question or exercise each day to help you focus on your emotional connection to food and to help you build your confidence "uncover your demons, face them and conquer them ." I've done most of these
--more time for prayer, meditation, puppy love for comfort versus food (hugging/snuggling with my pets)
--working on accepting compliments
--opening up with my husband on what I need from him to help me(sometimes it's to keep the can of pecans in a cabinet I can't get too and pulling it down for me when I ask-and putting it back)

weight loss..Yes I've lost 8.8 lbs
I see the rest as more progress

The 2010 Pioneer Way of Bathing

15 degrees with a windchill of 5 may be normal in Nebraska (or warm), but in Atlanta it's WAY out of the norm. I've been hearing about frozen pipes, burst pipes etc but never in my life have had to deal with it. We always open the kitchen cabinets and keep the faucets dripping and have never had an issue.

Today at the Pj geeks's household I'm dealing with a frozen pipe somewhere betweeen the washing machine that is in my breakfast nook area on an outside wall and the kitchen faucet also an outside wall. We forgot to prepare the kitchen before bed last night and left the cabinets off / faucet off.

Bummer. We have hot water in the washing machine, but none elsewhere in the house.
Hmmm. what to do? Google search.

Right. Space heater inside the kitchen cabinet near the faucet, space heater in the breakfast nook (actually the laundry area -cat box corner for us.) Faucet on .
Nothing . We are an hour in to this regimen. Nothing. I've cancelled my movie plans and I'm sitting it out at home waiting for whatever to happen.

My husband is an oily man . Must bathe daily and must go to work today. He actually will lose 1-2 lbs after a shower--he actually weighs before and after and really loses wt after a shower.??? ( not really sure what that is about, but it does not work for me.) I'm of the super dry skin variety , so I can skip a bath for today or go up to the gym later for a shower. Even though he could go up to the gym near our house and shower, he opted for some ingenuity on our behalf.

So, Hot water toted from the washing machine to the smaller bathtub we have. It made me think of old pioneer times or maybe some of the romantic western films where you see the man pouring hot water in to the tub for his woman to take a bath.
The husband said "well that was fun".

Meanwhile, it is only supposed to be a high of 31 today, maybe 35 tomorrow and around 44 ish on Monday . We are hoping a pipe doesn't bust and the spaceheaters do the trick. Fingers crossed.

It does snow in the south

Atlanta finally got a dusting, and since it is 15 degrees right now and getting colder it is not likely to be going anywhere. Very exciting here , kids are out of school. I'm a work at home person, so sitting here in pjs and slippers supposed to be slogging on the work computer.

I'm thinking Saturdays to be my official weigh in day as that usually is my lowest weight of week and the weekends with their lack of structure are a challenge for me. So by declaring it and documenting my progress of the week on Sat am , it might help me keep straight through the weekend.

Otherwise, doing good with water. Wt is coming off and I realize it is just weight I had added on at the holidays coming BACK off. exercise on track. Cravings and wanting to eat carbs and sugar, constant. working on journaling when they rise up and I start considering it seriously. Drinking sugar free hot chocolate or tea when the cravings come and that seems to help.

happy friday

Habits

Habits are one of the reasons that I'm this position of being so out of balance. Some time a long time ago , I was scared or angry or upset and wanted to chill out or not feel anything. I learned that eating 2 or 3 bowls of raisin bran cereal in a row gave me a warm and cozy and numbish feeling. Riding to the corner grocery store
( my dealer) on my bike as a kid to get potatoe chips, a coke, and a candy bar was a feel good solution to my problems and something to plan , focus on , obsess on and do -way too much. In the end habits. Treat for a bad day at work a certain binge meal. Feeling lonely or depressed--binge. Bag of reeses cups to study for a test. Pizza and ice cream on the beginning of a weekend off. 100's of lbs of habits.

I joined lyn's from Escape from Obesity Habit-a-week Challenge http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/

This week, increase my water intake to 113 oz a week. I'm starting in increments , so going for 80 to 90 to 100 to 113 oz over time. Also, I'm going to look in to trying almond breeze milk which is lower in calorie than milk. I'm willing to embrace change.

Did a preliminary weigh in and I'm down about 7 lbs since last week..not bad.

Chocolat?

I wanted to check in and comment an update on how I'm doing.
While I was google searching for an image of the sugar free hot chocolate I drink at home, this pulled up.

wow!! wow. Yum.

Otherwise, Doing fine, using my new journal, following plan, exercising...ok

Monday---Work fear / stress / layoff discussions / panic / upset.

Binge? No

I went to Zumba class as planned and laughed and jiggled my arse off.

I went to Borders as planned to get my Better homes and gardens special magazine DIET 2010..seems to be the only place that has it. It's friggin cold ..like 22 degrees. I'm actually physically hungry and eyeing the cookies.....Book store coffee shops are trigger places and I'm ok just going to get a drink but not treats...

I did get hot chocolate and it was the best hot chocolate I've ever had- low on the whip but I couldn't resist the chocolate sprinkles..so after a website search once I got home..likely 300 calories.

Yes, I have 25 calorie , 60 calorie and 100 calorie versions at home that would have been better for me calorically. I did feel soothed from the hot chocolate and flipped through a magazine while I drank it and relaxed and fully enjoyed it.

Not beating myself up. Just recognizing that on a really cold day when I happen to be going on a planned excursion to a book store and I'm hungry that probably is ok. normal. Otherwise, I'll use my sugar free treats at home and enjoy them too.

Now Johnny on the other hand...mmm.

Tools for Change: Spitting out the Bones

I've been using this weekend to resume my healthy lifestyle that was in place before the final months of 2009--months of some sadness around the holidays and fear / anger / sadness about work. 2010 brings change and change is sometimes scary and often good. Usually , when I embrace change and start doing something different --progress is the result. It's just hard to accept ..I've GOT to change even though I don't want to.

I've acknowledged that the holidays are over. On Jan 1, I resumed my food planning and calorie counts. I've often been told "just try something", if you don't like all of it or any of it Spit out the bones of what you don't like and keep what you do . Here's what I'm doing, for now.

FOOD

1. Food Journal--I've been using notebooks, but my nutritionist who I see monthly has wanted me to use a food/ exercise related journal and suggested I just check out what is out there. So , as I do every new year, I head to Barnes and Nobles. Not to buy a calendar at half price this year, but to check out food journals. I found about 8 different food journals, sat down and went through them one by one. I'd finally settle on one and then not feel that "click " that it was right and then go through all of them again . Some focused on food and all it's components. Some on just exercise. Some on just feelings. I finally settled on The Flat Belly Diet Journal. I'm not following this diet, though there seems to be some good nutrition and health/mind/body tips in this diet. Each day has plenty of room to enter food, hunger level,feelings, and exercises. There is room for journaling and a daily exercise called "core confidence" which is geered to help you explore your relationship with food. Overall, this journal offered the most balanced approach. Would be great, but not necessary to have a Flat Belly. I want balance in my approach to food.

2. Kitchen Cleaned the fridge, reorganized things, threw away expired and yuck stuff and some of the trigger items. I don't think salad dressing is supposed to be eaten after being open for 6 mo. I went shopping and have written the dates on items as I open them. Bought helathy snacks that I do well with :fruit, Sugar free hot chocolate, nuts, string cheese, sugar free pudding, 100cal popcorn, Vita top muffins. I've dusted off the food scale and placed all of the measureing cups / spoons in one place on the kitchen counter.

3. Weekend planning: Since I eat a food delivery system mon to friday, my weekends are to train myself to plan / prepare/ eat healthy. I'm lucky that I can afford this, but I have felt guilty that I'm doing the delivery system. However, It has taught me so much about my feelings and relationship towards food as well as opened up my likes for healthier food. I love cottage cheese now. I love turkey pastrami. 1/2 bagel with low fat cream cheese, a boiled egg, and a piece of fruit are enough for breakfast.I was really eating too much food before in addition to the occasional binges and the other bad choices. So I planned my food for this weekend and have done well, only with one exception which was due to poor planning regarding snacks. This is what I plan to do each weekend.

EXERCISE

1. I changed my membership at the gym to have 24 hr access. I've dvr'd some new exercise routines from Fit Tv to do in the mornings or at lunch. I work out early one day a week with a trainer on wt's and will keep doing that. I'm planning to do Zumba at the gym this Monday and Kickboxing starts back Tuesday. I want to try new things, so Zumba is one. I've started training on the treadmill on the 5k program..so far 12 min 35 sec to jog/walk 1K. I'm sloooowwwwwwwwww.. But a year ago I couldn't do that . Heck a couple of months ago I couldn't do that. Also, playing with Dance Dance Revolution about 3 times this week at an hour at a time.

2. My body. It needs to rest sometimes and it needs to move at others . My knees have arthritis and start hurting just from sitting still for 30 minutes. I have to take the supplements and meds that help that. I have to rest if I'm too tired, but I have to be honest with me. Sometimes when my knees are hurting, just riding the bike slow will help the pain. I have to remember that. I can't run if I can't walk. I'm grateful for my body and I love it and I need to take care of it. Soft and warm PJs or socks after a bath in epsom salts is a good remedy for a bad day or a hard workout.

MOTIVATION

1. Tv Motivation: I recorded a few episodes of the last season of the Biggest Loser on New Years and have watched that while working around the house this weekend. The Biggest Loser resumes with a new season this week on Tues 1/5. Ruby resumes 02/14. Discovery Health has a new show about the first Biggest Loser winner who has regained all of his weight and is now working to lose it. That starts this week also.

2. Books/Magazines I have a subscription to Prevention Magazine and though it seems like the headlines each month are exactly the same, I always learn something. I'll pick up a magazine like Weight Watchers or Shape or Self when there is a topic I like. Thankfully, the gym has a lot of these and on the occasion I go slow enough on the bike I can read them then.


3. Blog Motivation
There are so many great blogs out there. I check many almost daily. Putting myself out there to blog also and to comment forces me to connect and to open up and to really think about my issues and how I feel.

4. Feelings
This is a mind -body- spirit approach. I think I can recognize real body hunger from mental hunger or mouth hunger. I haven't cracked how NOT to eat when it isn't body hunger. I'm journaling and working to figure this out. I'm researching and reading with a focus on dealing with this . I see a therapist also for this because I have not always had the support to deal with things and the only way I learned to cope was through food or worry or stuffing in my emotions or spending money to buy THINGS. That doesn't work. I also don't always get the support I really need from my husband, but I'm talking with my husband about this and he too is seeing a therapist. We both were raised in chaotic, highly charged, somewhat abusive homes. Prayer and love and patience have got to be daily tools also.

So these are my tools today for Body-Mind-Spirit.

Hitting RESET.

Beginnings. It FEELS like a new Beginning.
Hit the RESET button and get Going.
Sometimes I do this moment to moment.
You can start over every moment, if you need to.

I enjoy new beginnings--a new notebook for work, a new pencil, opening a package of pens, hanging the calendar on January 1, using the first pair of socks from a new package, and wearing clean and just washed pajamas. I chose the idea of Ms. PJ Geek because I have happy memories of childhood coming in dirty and sweaty from playing in the yard, taking a bath, and putting on a fresh nightgown and feeling like I had a new start. I felt like a princess. This could happen each and every day. Fresh renewal.

Not so crazy about the idea of New Years Resolutions, though.
I have general areas to work on , goals and ways to meet them. And I always have to keep changing things to make it work. I've been dealing with food and exercise and issues all my life. Only in the last 3 years have I really made a focused effort and have had progress. I've updated my blog to explain a little more about this.

so here goes. working on this over time. Staying open to change.



*************RESET***************

GOALS

1. Exercise: about 5-6 days a week
-continue Kickboxing class
-continue trainer sessions
-as always, increase the cardio
-be willing to make changes, try things new
-Rest when I'm hurting and fatigued
-Do a 5K by spring, jog, walk, crawl if I have to
-start biking again
-reset goals then

2. Food
-Continue Good Measure Meals Mon to Friday
-Continue with dietitian
-Plan meals on weekends, cook
-Avoid trigger places for January then re-evaluate: Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, Paneras and if going to book store-take my treat to have with coffee
-Avoid eating out for January

3. Feelings
-figure out what they are
-journal
-figure out what I'm feeling before I eat when I'm not hungry
-share them
-seek comfort in non food ways

That's it in a nutshell for now
Always up for change if needed