Monday, November 8, 2010
Getting back on the Wagon
Today at war with myself. One voice says "I want , I want , I want" "I'm afraid" "Will I ever?" "what if?" "I have to have xxxxx because I 'm starting over tomorrow". "I have to do ..."
I walked in to two places today and stood there and nearly ordered something and then I walked out. Indecision. But the right decisions got made sort of in that moment. And then later , another decision made that negates one of the good decisions. Oh well, not perfect.
The other voice says "you don't need to cram everything in that you are afraid you will miss. You won't have to restrict". "starting over doesn't mean you can't ever have ....... It just means it's better not to have it now". This is the comforting wise woman voice.
Starting over but not starting from the beginning. Starting from another place along the road. Journey will be different this time...it won't be the same journey I was on before. I choose how I want to spend my life and spend my time. I haven't figured out what I want yet as far as goals. I just know I don't want to be in this limbo place.
I 'looked' to see what is in my basket of worries that maybe I'm trying to cover up and numb over with food. Health concerns with these ultrasounds, yes. Questioning my life and choices, yes. Just being in this place of falling off the wagon and hanging on to the rope and dragging in the dirt road behind is a huge part of it. Not knowing what I want as far as my goals. Losing weight was for health and feeling good, but then the sagging skin and the changed body image hit. I've got to figure some stuff out but it won't happen quick.
Here's what else is going on today.
Ultrasound #1 done and results good. Ovaries and pelvis are clear. Since my symptoms are a lot better, I'll just keep on getting back to a healthy life. I've not been exercising as much or as intensely either due to throat / sinus infection of late or the pelvic pain symptoms from before. Just walking the dogs isn't quite enough and I'm heading back to the gym tomorrow.
Cleaned out the fridge. Picked up the meal delivery plan meals and I have breakfast, lunch , and dinner stacked up in the fridge for the next 3 days. Turkey/veggie Quiche and baked apples, chicken cobb salad and a pear, baked cod and veggies for Tuesday. Plentiful food that I know will be good. Plus snacks I'll plan tomorrow. It won't be the stomach stuffing, numbing carb party of the last couple of weeks. I might get hungry. I might not get hungry. But there is a feeling of peace and resolve.