I'm off track. Plan to get back on track, but I'm kind of ( a part of me ) enjoying being off track. Hard to post that but truthful.
I can tend to be one of those doom / gloom types because I see a lotta doom / gloom with my job. It's hard to remain upbeat and to look on the positive side of things and ignore some of the potentials. I see people get diagnosed with cancer and all kinds of crappy things every day . So when I have to have a test I think about all the angles. I have a breast repeat mammogram / ultrasound next week and a pelvic ultrasound. I immediately think about ..what if I have cancer and have to have chemo and would I wear a wig or just wear a hat or scarf.??????? I really had a whole train of thought about this.
Another rational part of me says .."chill girly, you can handle it, let it go"
This other part says "a pumpkin muffin will taste good and make you feel better."
It does briefly, but just the fact that I'm off track and could be putting the pounds back on while I'm off track and the panic of holiday temptations to come is overwhelming.
I also got dreamy eyed thinking about christmas as a child and about looking forward to Christmas this year ( the little things like, music, cards, Christmas movies). But then the reality of the food struggles to come and the need to get my self a little more together in the food arena hit. Pressure.
I've got to work on some inner stuff and fortify that part of myself that is wise and able to care for me in ways other than with food. I'm workin on it.
It surprises me to be in this place .
Oh and the cherry on top is a sore throat / sinus cold...
Lilacs on Parade
31 minutes ago
Honestly is one of the most important part of this journey. I can't say I've never enjoyed my binges, although I certainly do enjoy the fact that they are getting fewer and farther in between. :-)
ReplyDeleteIsn't it odd to stand back and look at the various parts of ourselves, each with their own voice, demands and joys, wondering when will they come together as one and is that even possible? Yeah, disease is worrisome and sometimes it helps to imagine what we would do. I wondered that same question about wig vs. scarf the two times I've had questionable breast lumps removed. So far, fortunately, I've not had to find out. Anyway, it's good you're having the tests and I'll just be crossing my fingers that you won't need to find out either (about the wig thing).
ReplyDeleteAbout the food thing and especially about the holiday treats season, I wonder if you'd find anything useful in my current post. This is THE first year of my adult life that I haven't absolutely dreaded the whole season, in panic mode about all the weight I knew I'd gain and all the craziness I'd feel about not being able to control my eating. None of that this year. For me one gift of abstinence is being able to look forward to the holidays... unbelievable even to be writing these words... I know you have good reasons for abstinence not working for you. I understand. Yet... maybe it would be worth considering again?
man holidays are fantastic and fantastically FRAZZLING.
ReplyDeletefor me it just helps to focus on their brevity in comparison to 365 days in a year and also on the FAMILY
well, the family members who dont stress me out anyway :)
MizFit
Whatever happens, however it turns out, you will be able to handle it. And as someone who
ReplyDelete"worries in advance", I understand all of this. I am working on letting go of all of that pre-emptive churning. It's difficult to let go of that defensive stance and just let life flow around me. I hope all your testing comes out fine.
First of all, I will be praying for you about your tests. I know that when something like that is looming, a little voice in my head starts whispering that I need to de-stress until the worrisome event is behind me. Guess how I de-stress. But the sane voice says, you won't make anything better by adding more pounds.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Mary
Wow, great post. And did you open up my head and pull out some stuff? In late July I found a breast lump that turned out to be a cyst. But in the 4 days until I got the mammo, US and good news, I was contemplating which comprehensive cancer center I'd go to for treatment, and speculating on chemo vs. radiation. A friend of mine calls it "awfulizing". As Roxie said, whatever happens - you will be able to move through and handle it. Will be sending positive vibes and prayers your way.
ReplyDelete