Working on being healthy in body , mind , spirit..135 lbs lost, then Maintained for a few years, and lately some regained. Working on it -in and out of Pjs
Friday, November 5, 2010
Comfort and Pain ...Starting Over Again
**long one** This post is as much for me to figure this out as it is to share with you and the universe.
One of my favorite comforts is soaking in the tub. Even better if I'm also reading a good book. Even better if it is really cold out and the water is very warm and the book is coming to a satisfactory ending. I've been known to read almost a whole book during one of these marathon baths with Shrinkled ( shrunk and wrinkled) toes and fingers afterward.
Sometimes, I really get in to it and make it an experience. Candles. Wine or Tea. Special scented oils or bath salts. Very soft , thick towels. A straight-from-the-dryer warm terry cloth robe . And then of course a comfy pair of Pjs and fuzzy socks or bedroom slippers. This much attention , this much care. I am so worth it. It can be like a ritual or a cleansing or a releasing of the dirt or the aches and pains and burdens. It is the ultimate in self care.
It just occurred to me this week that this is a womb-like comfort. Basic, to the core, seeking of comfort to a time when I was insulated from the really tough stuff of the big, bad world. So maybe I've been seeking that womb-like security and comfort all these years. It honestly never occurred to me before. That will make that next marathon soaking even more special.
So going with that metaphor, then birth happened-cold, bright light, loud sounds, hard surfaces, irritations to my skin . From floating in a warm bath to lying in wet diapers wrapped in scratchy and tight blankets , kicking and screaming to get out. Oh , there's the next comfort? Feeling warm and dry in a fresh diaper and onesie. The comfort of sucking in warm and milky food then swallowing and then that fullness of my tummy. Another floaty , full sleepy feeling.
But I remember binging as a small child , crawling and sneaking food. I've explored in therapy and journaling what happened to lead me to this path of using food for comfort at such an early age. It is really ingrained in my very being since it was there before my brain had developed to the point where I could reason ,walk, talk, or read. Years of it. It's my second nature. But it's the behavior that leads in circles and led me to 345lbs.
Lately, I've been back in one of those places where the fine balance of mind / body / spirit is way off and I've been using food again. I haven't wanted to measure food. I haven't cared about calories ( well, I cared but not that much). I haven't journaled as much. I've not planned or done any of the things that I had been doing for the last few years in this 125 lb weight loss journey. I haven't weighed . I don't want to weigh because I think it would put even more pressure and guilt on me . Or the reverse is that if I haven't gained a great deal of weight, I'll think I've gotten away with something.I've got excuses. I've got reasons. (We all do) It has been a perfect storm of stuff: timing, personal health, life and death, self doubt, fear, old habits, and eating and eating and emptiness.
I'm slowly breaking the cycle. I have to do something different again. I read your blogs and supportive comments. Peacefulbird recommended I try abstinence again. A part of me rails against the idea of restriction and a part of me knows that is a step I need to take . I realized that one day but still reached for another baked good.
So one crazy day this week, I had to take a step. I heard within myself that wise woman voice that said: "You need to do this NOW! It works if you WORK IT". I'm veering down a different path in my journey that I've been on before and have been successful on. I signed up to start back on the local fresh food meal delivery system that I was on for over a year. I start it on Tuesday and will be getting 3 meals a day at 1200 calories for 7 days a week. I'll choose my own snacks with a goal of about 1500 calories most days.
I lost over 60 lbs on this plan when I followed it off and on for over a year, but I got burned out on it. I missed having choice and preparing my own foods and preparing meals for my husband. When I would not like certain foods or was bored with them or had a weekend off, I would make the effort to make good choices but would sometimes rebound to old habits of junkier food or bigger portions. I tried a different meal plan company and would have resumed that plan, but I wanted to get the plan that would start the soonest. Money was a plus too and I chose the cheaper plan. Motivation comes also from spending the money and from having my husband support my decison.
I've always felt that to "be like everyone else" and to have food in it's proper place in my life is my goal. I want to be able to choose and plan my own foods and eat mindfully. People do it every day . I read your blogs and how you plan and make goals and succeed and sometimes fail. I feel like I was there , but I can't seem to do this consistently. I get off balance and revert to my second nature. Then I realize I need to save myself again. Maybe it will always be this way.
So this meal plan is like a security to me. It is a comfort to know that something that can work is available to me anytime I'm ready for it . The abstinence is that those are the 3 meals a day I'll eat. I'm making the choice to give up control. Just the act of doing that is really something . I'll be able to choose my snacks and I have a list of healthy and tasty things to have. Sticking to it all is the real challenge and not falling in to the slippery slope of substitutions and replacing meals.
My initial commitment is for 1 week and then after a few days I'll decide if I do a second week. The third week would fall around Thanksgiving and I'll see where I'm at then. I've done great at the holidays with this plan before and lost 12 lbs between Thanksgiving and Christmas those first few months. But I still have to plan for social events, deal with trigger places, make good choices.
It really isn't all about the weight loss right now for me. It's really about getting back in to control that food addict that has taken over lately. I have to knuckle through saying No to myself. I have to reteach my body and mind to accept smaller portions again because that is what my body needs to be healthy. I need to let my mind , body, and spirit talk to me and re balance me in to the person I need to be.
I weighed today and had my husband look and not tell me which is kind of like when I was in eating disorder therapy. For those several months I was in outpatient treatment , I weighed at the center and at the doctor and nutritionist without knowing what I weighed. I think I'm going to give this a try and let my husband keep tabs on it until I know it's not going to have that power over me.
I'm already feeling a change, making better choices, but it is very shaky. I'm ready to start adding one successful choice and meal and day after another. And I'm so aware that it isn't all about food. I've analyzed it enough. I'm taking one baby step after another. It's about feelings and thoughts and emotions. Did I forget? Work in progress.
I posted recently what my goals were for probably the rest of the year and they still are.... 1. Make an effort to plan and do Self Care other than with food.
2. Keep moving.
3. Avoid Trigger places or situations or people, blogs, magazines, tv , whatever.
I'm a Geek for many things: Food, Pajamas, Coffee, Chocolate, Movies, Books, getting and being fit and healthy, 80's music, and the list goes on and on .....A nurse, a diabetic, I've lost over 130 lbs and have more to go . And I actually enjoy working out.
I chose the names of Ms. PJ Geek and PJ and Pounds because I have happy memories of childhood, coming in dirty and sweaty from playing in the yard. Then taking a bath, putting on a fresh nightgown and feeling all new again . I felt like a princess. Fresh renewal. .........
All names and situations will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, and so I can keep my job. While I am a nurse, I do not intend this to be a blog with specific directions or guidelines for healthcare. And.....though I have a college degree, that was a long time ago ya'll, and I don't remember proper punctuation or grammar.