Today was one of those days where I did everything the right way when it comes to dealing with food as a food addict. I logged my intake and my hunger scale. I planned my snacks and meals -and stuck to it..pretty much. Routine is stabilizing, but tiresome too sometimes. After the gym, a grocery store trip --we keep having milk go sour or milk jugs leaking. I only got the items on the list and didn't stand around a drool and mourn at the "Good stuff" that I never get.
But on this day I was full of anxiety--still the work situation with my husband and his emotional well being. My 30yr class reunion is supposed to be in October but it's like non info is coming out about it , so I would go but surely they would have posted about it now. And car issues and time off issues. My boss sends out an email that we have to have our holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years ) requests in on Friday . What?! It's August! right? I don't have a clue what I want to do 4 months from now. Plus, my husband keeps saying he doesn't know if he'll be employed then. It put me in a tailspin.
Here's the crappy part. I also was obsessed with food thoughts all afternoon while working. Didn't act on them, but had to deal with them. (I like to be super busy at work , so I don't have time for this crap. I took on extra work to 'keep busy' and now I'm trying to play catch up ..at nearly 11pm.)
Here's a small example of how my little food addict part works. I had a patient's name that looked like Saltines -as in crackers. I then obsessed on crackers and butter or crackers and tomato soup or cheese toast. MMM toast and butter. Peanut butter...etc..etc..it keeps rollin from there... Comfort food.
So, I journaled. And I journaled. I had a little talk with my inner child food addict. I was not physically hungry at all. I made a list (prioritized ) of what I was anxious about. I wrote a little letter to that inner child food addict and explained to her that I was taking care of things, I wasn't going to let things get out of control. I was on top of the stuff that bothered us. I would be the adult and address all of the issues. I was in charge..the adult and recovery I. I would work it all out..it may not be exactly what we want but then life is sometimes sweeter with surprises. I turned it over and said.."Ok God ..you take the lead now"
In the end I never caved. But, oh, what a hassle.
All I could think about was what am I trying not to feel? why am I obsessing? What don't I want to think about? duh! see above.
I think sometimes I'm so much "sicker" and afflicted than my fellow bloggers. And then I said ..'un unh, time out. You've accomplished a lot, you've changed a lot, you've lost alot of weight. You have no idea what's in the minds of others and you can't compare. We are all in this because of some sick thinking and working to get ourselves out.'
"Oh, But I'm just so screwed up."
" Well, you are an addict..it's just like booze
or heroin, but you have to eat some of it everyday and not over do it. "
And if you are trying to get off the extra pounds you have to eat less than you want to eat. It IS hard.
Then Jack Sh*t's blog today really spoke to me. The way I read it, he seems to feel pretty much the way I do. My feeling like I'm a real sickie, I toggle back and forth, and that I'll never get it is probably universal in this blog universe. We just don't all put it out there. Heck, I'd read blogs but didn't put myself out there for years too.
Jack basically said "get er done" already.
I'm off work on Wednesday: errands to run, annual eye appt / doc appts, bookstore time planned . Off days present challenges. But I have a plan. and a back up plan.
1 hour ago