Looking Me Up and Down

So this was a kinda yuck day for me. But I think it's becoming a turning point day too. I tried to explain it to my husband. I'm really depressed. Pms-ing. clearly it's emotional or hormonal or neurochemical or all of the above. I've even considered..Am I pregnant? But I seriously doubt that. I couldn't tell why exactly I was so depressed.

The day started with a workout with my trainer , and I've been working out with her for almost a year now and I think I need to stop. I need to do something different. I need more inspiration and motivation. I rarely attend her sculpt classes because I get kind of irritated in there. I hate knowing that a decision I make effects someone's financial picture, but I have to change what I'm doing. I told her I was starting to get burned out, but I didn't say anything else yet and signed up for another month. Then , I weighed today.. Because I have to see my nutritionist tomorrow and I weigh on the days I see her, I wanted a preview. ERGH..back in the 230's. It was a 4 cookie weekend.

So here's where I sunk to the depths...... and then I started to pull myself out. This is a short synopsis of my day. I was working also through all of this. I stared in to space. I journaled. I read my meditation books. I journaled. I prayed. I walked the dogs. I prayed. Ok, in there I was working too. I was feeling like a bad worker.I surely didn't deserve the raise they gave me. I was beating up on myself. I had lunch and it was a big healthy gorgeous salad, but then I had a little run in with some crackers and then some peanut butter and then a fiber bar, 4 herheys kisses and peanut butter. Then I had that voice telling me "just go get what you want- that muffin at Dunkin Donuts " or even better" go to Sonics and get a sundae." I prayed some more. I held my Peace rock which is a smooth rock with Peace carved in to it. I felt that it focused me and that it gave me peace and strength. And after a while things got better.

Then I went back and forth on should I go to Kickboxing?? or should I skip it? Can I do it? or if I go, I can get that Sonic sundae on the way home. I went to Kickboxing because I knew It would tap me in to my self esteem, and I'd get pulled out of my funk in there.

It worked. Kickboxing rocked and then I rode the recumbent bike at high speed for a half hour. Sweatin. Feeling stronger. I talked to my husband and agreed upon a scoop of sugar free fat free ice cream from Brewster's and went to get some for both of us before going home. Standing in line, a tween girl looked me up and down head to toe which I saw out of the corner of my eye. I imagined her thought was "Look at that fat woman". Now unbeknown to me, my sweet husband had pulled up and was parked nearby and saw this too. I could have looked at her and looked her up and down in return. I didn't change my order or react at the time. But it bothered me. If I didn't have my husband's feedback I would have given her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she just liked my sweaty workout clothes. Rigght.

What would she have thought when I was 345? Those looks happened a lot more frequently then.I don't want to go back there, and with the recurring bad dreams and then "bad days" I'm scared I'm going to be heading back there. What I think is that I'm at a smaller weight, having feelings and memories that I'd never had before and stuck in dealing with some issues.

So while watching the Biggest Loser, as usual, I connected with someone on the show. *Victoria. I've been beating up on myself. I'm also in a rut. And it is holding me back.

I told my husband about an episode of Ruby where she goes to Australia and hired a trainer to work with her for her week there and that she lost 13 lbs that week. I haven't lost 13 lbs in 9 months. We talked about the trainer thing. He's 100% behind me either getting another trainer or going to a new gym. There are not a lot of trainers at our gym and I've got a few issues with the gym--the people that work there don't work out-they smoke outside- they eat fast food at the desk. I really like some of the classes and the proximity of our gym, but another gym about a 15minute drive from us had newer and better equipment and much more variety and numbers of classes. And more trainers when I'm ready to do that.

So I'm getting excited (and scared) about making a change. Just like when I changed from Curves to a "real" gym. I'm also willing when I talk to my nutritionist to take her advice which I think might be to shift to my meal delivery plan 7 days a week for all food / snacks for a while as I work on what is going on with me emotionally that I've been acting out with food. It's only been the last couple of months that it has really become a recurrent problem.

So long story. But that little look at least brought my husband and me in to some conversation that helped me see it's time . Time to change.