Monster doesn't want to go in the box

I read my last entry and will read it again. and again. That was from a place of strength. I'm struggling getting my sugar / food addict monster to go back in the box. She got out for the holidays and doesn't want to give up the goodies, but at the same time is depressed about the struggle and eating over that.
All I can say is I'm working on it.

The next 4 days to the NEW YEAR are not an excuse to binge

2009 is almost ovah! What am I doing for the next 4 days? What are you?

I've got to work Tues through Thursday, so I have to cram a lot in to this day. I like starting the New Year with a clean office and desk. I love hanging all the new calendars...calendar geek too. It feels fresh and new. In the work I do as a nurse it is a clean slate in a way for my patients. It motivates me to do things the best way and the right way to get the best and right results. In mid January , I'll be having an unwanted job change and so the focus and organization of my work space is going to need to change anyway. Likely, this will help me to accept and embrace the changes.

Health and weight loss-wise, I don't want to feel like the countdown to the rest of this year is license to binge and that I can wait to Jan 1 or 2 or 3 to start over. I got lax enough with my food and exercise over the last few days. I want the next 4 days of this year to be about getting back to my prior healthy routines and to prep for the new year. I've found that really cleaning out my kitchen and fridge and organizing my tools gives me that same sense of freshness and motivation. I'm going to look in to using a different type of food journal. I work at a computer all day and I read blogs and now blog myself. I've tried some of the online journals, but I like the portability of paper journals for my feelings / food / exercise. My problem is there are all these bits of paper and notebooks and lists I make on sheets of paper , so now I'm trying to organize and centralize this for myself in this blog.
( I actually do use an online journal for food and exercise for my job which earns me extra money in to my health care spending account, but it is very general and just for the purpose of counting up a system of points. )

Today is another off day due to my husbands 36th birthday. Dishwashing and kitchen cleaning are to come. Later we will go out to eat and I'm planning to get the dogs out there walking in the 36 degree weather and maybe a little recumbent biking at the gym. Currently, I'm multitasking as I do laundry, listen in the background to the LA Ink marathon, and while I'm reviewing old diet journals and weight watchers papers. I'm journaling in general to centralize the information of the last 4 years of my weight loss journey and to plan to move forward for 2010.

I'm a strong believer in the motto
"If you always do what you always did , you'll always get what you always got"

My problem is I forget. Or maybe I eat and anaesthetise myself.
What I'm finding in my review is that I've said all the same things before and felt all the same feelings. When I stagnate in what I was doing with exercise or food I didn't get results. I'm 47 and my father died at 51 related to heart disease and smoking. I'm terrified that I'm not doing enough and living differently enough to make a difference. Paradoxically, when I'm "in the food" I'm not really living.

I'd forgotten some of the motivation that helped me buckle down and get going on this part of my journey. I've revisited some of the key moments that led to a gain of 10 to 30 lbs ( each time)--a job layoff and starting a new job, a beloved dog's death, my mother's death, my mother in law's death, trips out of town to visit with my sister and to reconnect with my past.

It all led to a high on Dec 27 2006 of 345.
Knee pain ,foot pain, hip pain, back pain, skin rashes, wheezing, shortness of breath, CPAP for sleep apnea, 2 diabetes pills and meds for other things.

Hard to admit-at 5'3 345 it is just darn hard to reach all of the spots you need to reach to get fully clean. There, said it.
I''m a nurse I know better.
Heck, I'm a mature adult, I know better.
But it happened and I'm moving on .

Motivation from Success. Weight Nov 2009 234lbs

So I found an old Storyboarding sheet I'd filled out at a Weight Watchers meeting back in 2005, I think.

My Outcome Dream: Be healthier. To be able to reduce the amount of meds I take for Diabetes or take none at all. (DONE -from 2 to 1)

1. Fit in to some of my older clothes
I have and buy smaller sizes. Check DONE

2. Increase my endurance and strength, so
I will seek more physical exercise. Check DONE
more stamina.

3. Order from certain catalogs for
clothes I want. Check DONE

4. Decrease my levels on CPAP Check DONE

5. Decrease my pain in knees and feet. Check DONE

Mmmmmmmm

I wanted Rd jr on my blog. Loved it.
I'm a big Sherlock Holmes fan and I always enjoy Guy Ritchie films. This exceeded my expectations.

Now back to Dance Dance Revolution
and Say no to Chocolate!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS , IT'S OVER.....and Dance Dance Revolution !

Santa was more than good to me. I'm wrapped up in my knock off Snuggie. New Pjs! Photos to come later--I now have my own digital camera and will learn how to use it. I promise.

I just played an hour on Dance Dance Revolution on the Xbox. A surprisingly good workout and more research and practice will go in to this new addition to my gym workouts. My version has a "workout" mode where I can enter my weight and it will calculate the # of calories burned and also convert how that same workout would convert to say distance jogged or km distance of swimming.

I haven't got that far quite yet. It took an hour to rate a B just ,\one time on a dance. Usually, I scored a D or failed and this was beginner mode. I've been reading forums where people lose weight playing this. I'll admit it's highly addictive. I told the hubbs, it was the best present ever.

Drinking lots of water today to wash away the toxins. cinnamon rolls, ham, chocolate. I'm looking forward to the goodies being gone, though I'm not exactly just throwing them away.

Letter for Peace and a Happy Holiday

To myself and to anyone reading.
I wish for you to have Peace and happiness.
Remember to be full of gratitude for everything good in your life AND for your life. Remember to pray and / or care for others in need.
Spread joy and peace.

too much egg nog

updates for honesty

Somehow posting here on this blog is like posting to the world, or to a friend, to myself as a reminder or as a note to future self. So I'm going to committ to journaling a summary of how things are going until I get this ship righted.

Felt great after workout on Monday and food wise did great yesterday until lunch. I was actually hungry after I ate my lunch. I started eating a couple of crackers and cheese. Then saw that my husband had opened the low fat egg nog. I had a little of that , I forget I lurve egg nog. So another cup. More crackers and cheese and nuts. It was all about the smooth , creamy, crunchy salty. the end result full tummy and disappointment in myself. Then hubby made his Magic bars and had to have a little of that. At least I can say I worked my tail off at Kickboxing.

Today , magic bars again for breakfast with my Good Measure Meals breakfast. I don't really like the breakfast from today which is a recipe for me to want something else........
http://www.goodmeasuremeals.com/

lunch and dinner I do like though

Lunch : /deluxe roast beef sandwich with lettuce, red onion and swiss cheese on a whole wheat bun . Horseradish sauce . cucumbres, onion and red bell pepper salad.
Dinner: whole wheat spagetti with turkey meatballs topped withmoxzarella cheese. roasted cauliflower florets.

I must eat some fruit today for snacks and maybe cheese. Perhaps JUST a bite of magic bar.
workout will either be some cardio on bike or wt training class and a dog walk planned.

So far as my strategies to get to January are going ...I've avoided trigger places, I've been thinking about the pros and cons of sticking well to my plan and avoiding triggers to eating emotionally. But i have not created the posters / art to remind me of this. hard to work on it and work at work and prepare for Christmas.
today, Starting the reasons for controlling my food addict , losing weight versus the cons of giving in to the addict.

non scale victories

I've been writing a lot about struggling with food. Yesterday was a great exercise day and I need to be proud of that. I started with my 30 minute weight training session with trainer...then a 30 minute walk with the dogs mid day. There was lots of smelling going on and sniffing so this was not the most aerobic of walks. I usually jog most of the time and they run beside me...short little legs....all of us. Then after a day of work and nibbling and eating for the obsession of eating not hunger, I decided to get some cardio in at the gym. A planned 20 minute workout at the gym turned in to 20 minutes on ellipitcal and 20 minutes of intervals of running and walking on treadmill. I figured it will be harder to nibble at food if I remember how hard I worked at the gym.

Tonight kickboxing and today a walk with the dogs. maybe more?

Also, I'd obsessed for 2 days on going to Starbucks for a hot chocolate or a mocha and an "outrageous oatmeal cookie". What helps me from doing this is counting the calories. The mocha can be "skinnied " down to maybe around 100 calories but doesn't taste as good as the full fat version. The cookie is an all out 350+ bite of yum. I've resisted so far. I can make healthier versions at home. It's about the soul richening experience and the obsession more than the actual food. I have to learn to find that within me. Working on it.

Food Addict

So I ate lunch with a friend today and felt like I was revisiting myself 2 years ago. The difficulty walking, driving around the parking lot to get the closest parking place to the door, getting short of breath walking in to the store. Even though I've lost over 100 lbs I feel like I'm one binge away from being there again . I'm still technically obese, but for me there is a big difference in 200+ lbs and 300+ lbs.

That was a good precursor to meeting with my nutritionist today. It's not easy being 100% honest face to face with her about my struggling over food, fixating on it and comforting myself with it. I saw her last month and my weight was 241 and I've been bouncing from 241 to 234 for over 4 months. Today, again 241.

I talked about the reasons my eating is getting out of control. Feeling sad about the holidays, connecting with family memories through food, layoff stress at work and then having to change positions coming in January. Not to mention all the groovy food that goes along with the holidays and the feeling of indulgence that abounds. Eating out at restaurants that I normally don't go to , reading menus on line, the discovery of new cool restaurants that I want to go to .

This is my food addict. Loves it. Thinks about it. Obsesses. I realize when I 'm having chocolate and sugar everyday that it isn't helping me one bit. Not physically . Not emotionally because I still feel empty and thinking about the next thing I want to eat.

So here is the action plan / assignment we discussed to get me through the holidays and into January. 12 more days. The new year always feels like a time of beginnings again, the time when I can start fresh. other people are doing it. New Biggest Losers show starts in January, All of the magazines shift the focus from food and shopping and partying to diet / exercise / goals. They will be speaking my language. I always get super motivated and committed and refreshed with the new year.


Issues and Strategies to get me to January

Low Motivation
-Buy a new weight loss focused journal-- Will check out Barnes and Nobles
-Write down pros and cons
- Write down list of accomplishments of 2009

I'm adding
-read blogs and comment to get connected
-blog about my journey


Dealing with urges to eat for comfort
-Avoid trigger places, foods
-Trigger book=book with scrapbooking or magazine cut outs of
triggers
-Do arts , drawing, crafts to focus self on other aspects of
life, overview of weight loss,goals accomplished, new goals,
etc
- Do something comforting and soothing for myself
-create posters or artwork of this list and post in house
-set up joint session with my therapist and me and my hubby
(he has been bringing home donuts for me)

I'm adding
-HALT--am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely , Tired also another version
H--do the Halt checklist of reasons
A--Assess what's going on
L--Leave the scenario, take a walk, don't get pull over if i'm driving past fast food
T--If all else fails, drink Tea

cold wet friday

We get cheated on the snow thing here in Atlanta. Snow is a flirtatious thing. Now, it's raining and windy and cold..my outdoor thermometer says 29. It's snowing about 30 minutes from my house but a lovely Christmas snow.

aint happening.

On a brighter note, these are the loves of my life besides my husband. My girls are at the vet having their spa day. Bath, nails, ....glands...oh my. they will be happy and showing off holiday bandannas when I pick them up later. Cold and wet yucky day dropping them off at 7:30am. Our boy the kitty is wandering around the house.."Meh?" "where are my girls?"

hump day

Cool slippers on my feet. Pink and light Purple french flannel pajamas (well, the label is in french but it came from Lane Bryant--fat girl store). Kitteh in my lap. I can breathe a sigh of relief because I got up and wrapped packages before 7 am and delivered them directly in to the hands of the cute UPS guy just before he boarded his truck. I just walked my dogs in the dark looking at the neighborhood Christmas lights. A little conversation time going on between me and God and the dogs.

Finished the dastardly chex mix, finally. My jaws are sore from crunching. Can I say work stress (distress). The husband made his holiday binge favorite-- Magic bars, so called because they disappear magically and quickly. I don't make them. I do eat some. I took them to a holiday work party once and now everyone at work makes them too. Butter, condensed milk, chocolate chips, graham cracker crumbs and shredded coconut. nom, nom, nom

On a healthier note, Here's my Cranberry Bake Recipe
it comes to however many calories or points you make it depending on what you choose to add. I make varied version of this baked fruit combo all year long. I sometimes add pecans and I switch up the fruit and the amt of seasonings. Peaches and blueberries are good. You can used dried cranberries but the fresh cranberries make it full of antioxidants and fiber and lower in calorie. The more apple you use the less of the splenda or sugar you need because the apple sweetens it. You can mix oatmeal with margarine or butter and put on top for a crumble.

Cranberry Bake
1 Pink Lady Apple chopped
1 green pear chopped
1/3 bag of fresh cranberries
1/3 cup raisins
1/2 orange sliced and the juice of the other half
about 2-3 tsps of Pumpkin pie spice or combo of cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, ginger, Allspice ...any combo you like that gives it a seasonal taste. I added extra cloves
I also added a little lemon juice, maybe 2 tsps
probably 1-2 tablespoons splenda..
1 tablespoon melted Healthy smart margarine and I sprayed a little I can't believe it's not butter spray-- this seems to make it a little syrupy without added calories-

Bake at 350 about 30-40 minutes, mix it up well so the cranberries and raisins are not on top as they will burn or even add a little of the other fruit on top of these so there is no blackening. I'm a fly by the seat of my pants cook, meaning ...uneven results. Sometimes this is really great and sometimes just good enough.

Fancy Folk and Pjs and Urban Outfitters

Currently wearing my warmest fleece pajamas. Whopping $10 at Walmart. Same as the pjs in my header photo there.. They say "I need coffee" and are currently on sale for $8 online. Really warm, really soft, really kind of garish. But I need to cozy up in them. Was feeling crummy tummy and my hands were freezing. Just an hour or two in these lovelies and I'm all toasty. Then the hot flashes start and I strip down to something light and cool.

Weekend of fun and weekend of eating out with friends and sharing desserts and not feeling too bad about it. Now the chocolate Hershey kisses I just ate.....well, oh well...I was able to stop before they were all gone, so that's cool. I gave myself the permission to maintain weight versus lose weight through Christmas. I've got a history of succeeding when I give up the struggle. so I'll try this now. Currently back to counting calories and following my plan and the exercise routine this week.

The weekend, oh yes. Shopping. People watching. I must say , I draw the line at going out in public in my pajamas but I saw quite a few folks at Starbucks, Krogers, Walmart and at the bank in their pjs and slippers.... Well, I draw the line at going outside of the car in my pajamas. Many times I've gone to Chick Fil A and Dunkin Donuts drive thrus in pjs.

So the weekend..... My friend Lanny and I braved the city , left the suburbs, and went in to downtown Atlanta to a holiday home tour where local restaurants serve food while you tour the homes. These are not homes like most people live in . These are the homes of Fancy Folk. Most of the homes are 1920's "cottages" and "bungalows"...these are the kinds of homes with heated tile floors and a fireplace in the bathroom. Or the wine cellar in the basement. The master suites the size of my entire house with floor to ceiling windows and no curtains. A projection room for movie viewing. Cool unique stuff. Antiques. Bathroom sinks identical to airplane bathroom sinks? ( that one was just plain odd) Weird marble square sinks. Victorian Slipper tubs. Fancy Asian modern marble tubs. Fancy tile showers that fit 6 with skylights and steamers. Not one just-your-average-joe tub. More leather furniture and modern 60's furniture than I would have imagined possible outside of Nyc in a 4 block area.

Then because we couldn't face the chemical porta pottys and because they have volunteers standing in the master suites to prevent you from stealing or using the facilities, .... off to find a coffee shop where we would just have to buy something to buy the right to use the potty. When we spied Urban Outfitters. Cool , hip, modern , young folk stuff. I have to admit I got the coolest wallet, pink plaid moccasin slippers that are very warm for 10 bucks, and a sort of metal filligree flower headband thingee. More hip fancy folk. One in pjs.

Then this is the shocker. About 50 runners in underwear, santa hats, reindeer geer, funny elf ears. Yes, Very Nearly NAKED Santas and elves and reindeer and a green man and men with yamuckas with beards and bearing menorahs running up and down the street like a parade while onlookers laughed and took photos. This is not what you see in the suburbs. Loved it. Obviously , these folks were also wearing ...pjs.

Getting back on track. Fun was had by all. Sunday a nice 3 hour nap after church and quite a lot of coffee. Today, hard workout this am..I always like it when my trainer changes up the workout. Military press with the 45lb bar versus free weights. Over hand and under hand grip pullups. Well, 1 overhand grip alone and about 7 more assisted. Still an accomplishment. Yes, tonight I kinda let the chocolate grab me. Because "it' s Christmas"....

Indulgences over. Back on track. The coming weekend will be less busy, busy and more finish up the shopping / watch Christmas movies kind of atmosphere.

tgifffffff

Coffee of the day: Christopher Bean Winter Wonderland " a snowy sweet blend of hazselnuts,caramel , and vanilla wiith a hint of coconut".....................
only because I'm out of my beloved Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla
Mug: Naughty or Nice Christmas mug


another vacation day..yeah! lists to make , plans to make, my tree is up with lights on but no decorations, so must take care of that. exercise and shopping and maybe dinner with a friend.

I am motivtated to make it a good day. To not only get things done but to do things that will help me get more done towards motivation and towards handling stress. My church adopted a family from the food bank we support as it does each Christmas, and the tag I was left to choose was for blankets. So, I'm off to buy blankets as well as I always get a surprise that wasn't something they asked for. Like a box of candy or a gift box of bath and body products and a gift card for groceries.

dealing with a crisis without bingeing on food

I'm adjusting to the idea and working through the feelings. Essentially my job is about to change. I work in a health care organization as a nurse. (the company I work for is very specific that personal blog info could be considered a direct reflection of the company which is why my blog does not identify me and is somewhat less personal because I occasionally do want to be able to journal here about things that affect me related to my job).

I'm thankful I'll have a job. I'll have the same boss and team and salary. My job is somewhat specialized and one that I truly enjoy doing but now has to go to someone less qualified and experienced for a lot of different reasons that have nothing to do with me. Health care reform and labor boards have reached it's tendrils again in to my life.

I can weigh the good and the bad. I won't have to deal with this issue or that anymore. I won't get as totally depressed or haunted by my patient's conditions--I've followed some patients for as long as 2 years. I won't feel as responsible for a person's life. I'll have no change in status within my company, but I know that I'll feel a little less than. Things will be very rough for a while during and after the transition and I'm trying not to feel just a little good about that. I will take the high and right road and make this as smooth and successful a transition as it could be.

I woke up the night before last at 3 am and couldn't sleep. I got up and made my healthier version of Chex mix and indulged in more than I wished I had. I adjusted my intake yesterday and did the best I could to counterbalance those carbs. I wrote on the bag of chex mix " If you can't handle it -Trash it". It is sooo tempting. This is the only time of the year I make it, and it reminds me of my sister that passed away who made it every Christmas.

Thursdays I weight myself and today 237. I was 234 to 235 last week and thought I'd be the same or less because I've had some hard workouts lately . But realistically, I also had more carbs this week and last weekend. I'll try not to get too bummed or give up. I could easily lose 2 lbs overnight , I'm really bad at retaining water after carbs and sodium . My goal for the rest of 2009 was just to get to 229 and then to maintain the rest of the year . I'm considering either not weighing any more this year or being ok with maintaining in the 230's. That would still take a lot of work and effort to do.




Somewhat Healthier 'ChexMix' recipe

Healthy Smart Margarine--6 Tbsp (80 calories each) 480 calories
1 1/2tsp seasoned salt
3/4 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp onion powder
2 Tbsp Worchester sauce (22 calories)
6 cups Multigrain cherrios (1 cup =110 calories), so 660 cal
3 cups unsalted pretzels 20 = 110 calories..i'm guessing.500 cal
2 cups pecans ( 1 cup =822 calories , so 2= 1644 cal, ouch!)
1 cup walnuts ( 1 cup = 720 calories)

This actually comes out to about 12 cups at 1 cup for 330 calories . ouch x2. I only make one batch per year. The on line recipe is less calories but saltier and more carb rich.

Note:
1. there is no Chex cereal in this mix. I sometimes use Chex cereals or Crispix but for this batch I searched for a high fiber cereal that had lower calories per volume and Multigrain cherrios were it and were slightly sweet. I usually just make this, count up the calories, and then figure out what a serving would be per cup.
2. I make it healthier by using no salt pretzels, more nuts, less cereal. Nuts actually add more calories but have more nutrients and protein and are filling. The seasoning part is directly from a recipe off the net but this version is probably more actual calories than the original chex mix. I also use less margarine and less seasoning salt.

to make:
Preheat oven to 250 degrees.
Melt the margarine in microwave then add the seasonings and worchester.
Mix all the cereals / pretzels /nuts in large bowl.
Pour in the seasoning and stir
Spread the mix out on cookie sheets. I put it on aluminum foil on the sheet.
Bake for 1 hr, pulling it out every 15 minutes to stir it up a bit.
The recipe says to let it cool on papertowels. I've never done this.
This would be a good gift to give as a home made holiday recipe.
NOM NOM

gratitude , attitude, and addiction

I got some not great news today and my first thought was gratitude for what I do have and for what I haven't lost. Then the emotions and the fear and the unknown started to sink in. Then the old ego started up "don't they realize this?"...or thoughts that am I not appreciated? and then thoughts about how this new plan is going to fail.

...then the healing comforter, the food addict starts up. "Lets go get Hersheys kisses, lets eat chocolate, lets buy cookies."

I didn't give in. But the night isn't over. I need to eat dinner still.

I'm thinking , if I were an alcholoic, would I go buy a 6 pack?. How much worse would I feel tomorrow to know that the single minded addict won out instead of the wholeness of my self and my whole spirit .

I drove to kickboxing class wanting to cry, angry, planning to go buy chocolate. I worked my butt off and my body felt like a torch was lit inside. I'm not going to binge. I'm going to eat dinner and at most have sugar free hot chocolate and 100 cal popcorn while I watch the Biggest Loser finale.

Indulging my addict

I'm such a food addict. Baked goods are my downfall, specifically. A day out shopping and to the movies. I took my 100 cal popcorn and diet coke and sugar free chocolate in to see A Christmas Carol ====did not like it. bummer.Oh, the food was fine and a safe option for me. Not to mention I didn't eat $5.50 worth of a small popcorn for like 400or 500cal. But I did indulge in the new Paneras near my home.
Danger ! Danger! Danger!
Gingerbread bagels..Baked goodies...
I actually did pretty well, but the calories have put me over for the day. And now visions and images of baked goods dance in my head. And then the drive home past all of the restaurants, stores, ARGH.....food thoughts,should I stop and get this , ooh maybe I'll stop and buy this and make that...or next time I'll save calories and allow myself the huge cinnamon roll..etc etc etc...Always better for me not to stop when I'm in that frame of mind. .So home, blog reading, writing. I'm not really hungry. I plan if I get hungry to finish my bagel and / or have fruit and a piece of low fat cheese.

Oh and indulging my other addiction.. New PAJAMAS! yipppee!!..On sale at Kohls.

Possibilities

happy day , off from work, cold and a hint of snow in Atlanta, all kinds of things could happen today . Weight loss: down 4 lbs from the beginning of the week. 234.0 I've looked over my weight in my little journal, and since about August I've been between 242 to 234 many times. Something always comes up. A birthday, a trip out of town , eating out, thanksgiving, ....things that push me over the edge as far as calorie intake. Weekends are the toughest. So far, working on planning out meals. Working on planning in treats in to the calories.

train is back on track

had a "clean" day regarding food yesterday . an incredible kickboxing class...they are always so motivating. if I had that every day I would love it, but don't know if I could do it. Have had to overcome a lot of fears to do that. Also, jog / walked a good bit yesterday. Feeling more on track. weight up about 3 lbs only for the holiday feasting/ binge which is much less than I thought.
Whew!

this is reality

I'm overwhelmed by my "to do" lists...yesterday , i did fold some clothes and did laundry but that is it for my list..i binged. little bits here and there..my husband said, \'if you are going to binge at least eat something you really want"...I think my food addict is just kicking and screaming because i am back on my meal plan today and there are all these cool foods out there, holiday treats that i'm not having..
so i'm taking it one moment at a time right now.