I've been thinking of what my intention is for this blog. I've lost now 108 lbs, but I've been circling the 230's for about 3 months now. I think I need this blog as a way to tell me, my own story. I've recorded my weight loss journey in little spiral notebooks..what I ate, thought , drank, exercises, my feelings, my blood sugars, everything. That's a lot of books. And then there are those little Weight Watchers books with my meetings/weights charted and sprinkled with gold stars. There were the nifty little grafts and charts with measurements from a year at Curves. And the little diet sheets and notes that different nutritionists gave me along the way . Some /most of it is in a box, but it's a bit cumbersome to pull out. When I look in the mirror I see me and it's hard to see or judge how big I am . When I see people in public or in magazines or on TV I can't tell if I'm bigger or smaller than they are. I'll ask my husband for confirmation on this. And this isn't new. When I was gaining that weight to get to 345, I didn't realize how big I was.
I have to remind myself that I'm not the same size I was before. When my knees and shins and hips are hurting from exercise I have to remember it is from exercise not just from existing or trying to get out of bed or walk to the bathroom. While at times I feel athletic and full of energy at other I still feel and look big. My clothes were at size 30/32 and now I can wear 18/20 or most 2xls depending on the cut of the clothes.
In the last 3 months that my weight has sort of plateaued I've tried to be more strict, follow my plan one way or another . There have been birthdays, mini vacations, and eating out on occasion. Oh and the beginning of the "Chocolate Holidays": Halloween with Christmas right on it's heels. Even though I don't partake that much I deal with the stress, the deliberations, the talking to myself in my head moment by moment.
I want to go through all the journals to write the history of this journey as much for me as for anyone that would be interested to read it. I've had to change and re- define my plan all along the way . Minute to minute sometimes, so there have been a lot of changes. But rather than cover it all now. I'll just start with this.
My statement or rather my Rule for my weight loss
This is what works for me today . For progress, It may(will) need to be changed. It will be harder to do , be less calories, take more time, take more exercise than I think it will or should. But it is working.
I'm an addict. I have to eat food to live. But I don't have to think about food all the time. Drool at commercials. Obsess. The problem is that when you are trying to lose weight , you have to think alot about......food. In it's barest essence, Food became my comfort, the thing I could reward myself with or console myself, the sure thing, obtainable, comforting, calming, numbing. And it tastes good too.
So I ate my way to 345 and as a nurse this was embarrassing and also terrifying. I know all the things that can happen to a person who is obese and doesn't get healthy . The trials of my patients sadden me, frighten me, and motivate me. When I hear about my alcoholic patient whose brain is essentially dissolving , he can't walk or talk or even think.... and I think..why can't he just stop drinking. Oh , oh yeah, why can't I stop overeating and start getting healthier.
So Dec 2007 it clicked for me. finally.
I've had the most success with losing weight by eating a meal delivery system . I'm using a fresh food program here in Atlanta called Good Measure Meals, but there are many other fresh food programs in different areas of the country and national programs as well as Nutrisystem , Jenny Craig etc. I seem to lose weight better on this plan because the portion control is there. It follows the guidelines by the American Cancer and American Heart and American Diabetic Associations. I have gone off this plan for a week or so at a time, but I've learned I can only maintain off of this food plan . I've also had a lot of issues with it. Right now, I'm doing 5 days a week with Sat , Sun off. For my weekends off, I've got to plan my food and count the calories so that I'm between 1400-1500 cal per day . I actually seem to lose better if I can eat closer to 1200 cal a couple of days a week. But there are times when I can't do this. I tend to want to wing it and not count the calories and on those weekends I don't lose.
Since starting in 2007, I've gone from barely fitting in the equipment at Curves to kicking roundhouse kicks in Kickboxing class. I could only workout on an ellipitcal trainer in Jan 2008 for 5 minutes and now I can do 40 minutes on a moderate intensity setting. I'd also started walking with my dogs everyday around the neighborhood. After a year at Curves, I felt I needed more cardio and to use harder weights and machines, so I left Curves and joined a gym.
EXERCISE TODAY: Kickboxing class twice a week. Body Sculpt class 1 x week. 30 minutes one on one with trainer on wt training once a week. Dog walks /jogs daily 15-20minutes per day . As much cardio as I can fit in on equipment at the gym. One additional weight training session per week on my own or work several body parts each day. My total time for exercise is to try to average about an hour a day for a total of 7 1/2 to 8 hours per week. My goal is to add more at home; practice for KB class, stretching, abs, resistance training with bands, general activity around the house and yard. Enjoying music on an MP3 player , revisiting the music of my college years and my 20's is what makes this so doable. Not to mention the results.
MIND/SPIRIT: This is actually THE real plan . It changes daily . But the bones of this are here. I see a therapist and have now for 2 years. I went to her because I was at my highest weight ever, had been through the illness and death of multiple family members, had a work layoff and job change, and I just was not coping. I also started working with a dietitian that specializes in eating disorders. When I was younger I binged on food. What I call a binge now, or feel like is a binge isn't technically a binge based on volume anymore. But to me, it is, based on the intent and the feeling. I'd seen therapists, dietitians before and that's part of the story. I also pray a lot. Read and research anything related to this topic. Journal daily.
And I "Give my self a talking to" whenever I need to . I actually tell myself before walking in to a store.."I will not look at the holiday cookies" , "I will not go by the bakery" or, "I will not get anything that isn't on my list."
"My knees hurt from kickboxing, it isn't worth looking at frozen Pizzas and obsessing. "
I don't go to WholeFoods Grocery , even though I lurve it, because that is for me, so much more exciting and thrilling than a typical grocery store. A kid in a candy store. I will probably go around the holidays, but will be doing my self talk routine and have a list.
Eating out slows or stops weight loss for me, So I limit , severely , eating out. It's just too much frustration and I retain sodium and gain up to 2-3 lbs per meal.
For a while I skipped going to movies which has always been a passion. I now pop my own 100 calorie bag and sneak that in with some sugar free chocolate.
There are just certain triggers I can't deal with . Going in to a Starbucks with pumpkin bread and scones...not possible most of the time. It takes planning. Self talk, or taking my own treat. And sitting at the Barnes and Nobles Cafe , reading a magazine or journaling or people watching is a favorite thing to do but something I really consider before I go . I just very easily fall in to old habits. So sometimes avoidance works best for me.
But the reverse of that is that it seems perfectly 'normal' to me to have a dessert or celebration on occasion. Not having what are seemingly normal eating behaviors would be too restrictive. I'm just trying to find the balance.
3 hours ago