Monday, December 22, 2014

Party Hearty-Last week

I did too much, too much this weekend. I went to a fun friend / family kind of party one night that was a healthy food, bonfires, mulled wine and cider kind of a thing. I took my senior lady friend to breakfast--she is one of the holiest people I know. Saturday I was invited to a last minute birthday dinner/party for a friend with more mulled wine/brandy and so much laughing that I was truly hung over from laughing the next day.

Counted calories--not so much.

Made healthy choices-- Pizza and salad at one party, Turkey with roasted veggies and barley at the other. Made Chicken -Veg noodle soup in the crockpot.

Made poor choices--Talked on the phone until 2 am one night. Mixed up a batch of Chex mix-pretzel, pecan , chex cereal and ate a bowl or so while watching "Pride and Prejudice". Made my one seasonal breakfast trip to Cracker barrel. There are not many redeeming features at CB. Probably too much cider.

Enjoyed --a very few cookies and a piece of cake and 2 burnt marshmallows and a few Hershey kisses. Besides watching "Pride and Prejudice" for the umpteenth time , I watched "While you were sleeping" (Sandra Bullock cuteness) and one Hallmark movie "The Christmas Card" while cleaning, decorating, wrapping.

Exercised--eh, took a few walks and did a little upper body weight training. I kind of threw my back out in yoga last week and have been having back, hip, knee pain on that side. I had done one move and felt my spine click , click, click like a zipper unzipping on that side. It was a week of Alieve, heating pads and just very little walking and stretches.

All but one package is wrapped and the shopping is done except for the usual things one would need from a store.

Pretty good weekend---back to work I go.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

What a difference a day makes

Today I'm feeling calm and at peace and ready to just enjoy the rest of the time before the new year. WOW. It helped to just really explore the issue, the feelings, blogging it, sharing it with the 'world', and deciding not to let all that stuff just corrode over me. Breaking it down to doing just 2 things helps. One thing I had to do and one thing I wanted to do. (If only all problems could be so easily remedied).

I got the kitchen cleaned this morning before work and then worked all day with fast breaks to make the mulled wine and mulled apple cider for a party tonight. Went to said party and ate 1 pc of pizza, 2 garlic bread sticks and salad and both wine and apple cider. I enjoyed a couple of burnt marshmallows by the bonfire at the party. I love sitting around a bonfire and laughing and listening to stories.

For the rest of things that were stressing me things seem to have just transmuted. My sister and her beau are not coming to visit so that is a whole lot of nit picky cleaning and decorated that I just don't want to do and is no longer required (by my standards). I realize all the shopping that needs to be done is done. I sent a lot of cards this year and to people I've never sent cards to. I have a few things to wrap but I've got 5 days to wrap them.

Saturday, I'm taking a senior lady from church to brunch who doesn't have much or celebrations around the holiday to breakfast and have some surprise gifts for her. Fun. She's like a surrogate grandmother / motherly type for me. And then I'm thinking maybe I'll see the new Hobbit movie-I just saw the Desolation of Smaug movie over the last few nights. I stepped on the scale and am always amazed when it doesn't show a huge gain body likes this weight.

just wanted to tell ya I am all cool. It's a good place to be . A different day and a different frame of mind

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Be Present..a lotta words and a lotta commas

Last January's snow-a mindful moment.

Being present or in the moment or mindful sounds good and is SO not where I am right now. I'm on Overload. I'm thinking about what I want to do , need to do , don't do , will do , should do. What am I going to say , blog, eat, would really like to eat but won't let myself or ever admit it here...blah blah blah. There are the movies I want to see, books to read, and places to go. I'm living in the future or dwelling in the past. The Present--eh, not so much .

I'm sitting in church and I'm thinking about what I need to buy for a party I'm going to in 3 days or what I need to buy for a trip in 3 weeks. Hearing the words, feeling the moment, really hearing the beautiful piano or cello music, singing and feeling the meaning of those words--that's what I'm missing out on. That's what is gone in just a few minutes and then I'm feeling -empty, stressed, anxious, forlorn, dazed.

I make a TO DO list and it has Categories, sub categories and bullet points and is divided up by the places I have to go and what is needed from each place and also if I can multitask any of it...I have another list of what I want to read, see, do for fun.



It steals my joy and my peace.


I'm going to do one thing I want to do, one thing I need to do, and then go to bed. I don't have to finish anything. Just start. No tv, no music. Just focus on this.

That gives me joy. That gives me peace. ( A little voice in my head squeaks But but but BUT!)

Nope , nope. That is how I will be present. Just cut it down to the basics. Chip away at the list.

Simple. Sweet. Present.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Upcoming unexpected work trip --The trials of a compulsive over eater and compulsive over thinker

my new Alabama themed luggage--Roll Tide!

I've never had to take a business trip, it just never came up in my nursing career. I always thought the idea was cool to get flown somewhere and stay in a hotel with an expense account and attend meetings where I may be able to make a difference in things or learn things. When I was a hospital nurse, I used to dream about having a desk job and that I would look up and gaze out of my office window on to the world. That one came true and stuck.

Be careful what you wish for. I was just asked to take a week long trip to New England in the new year to our corporate offices and had to decide the same day. These trips are very rare and won't become a regular thing which is good. I considered the project and it is exactly something I would want to participate in. My big boss things I'll be a great representative for our team. My insecurities and desire for flying under the radar started to shout internally at me. But I still accepted.....The dream, right?

My first thoughts--OMG! what am I going to wear? I work at home in either Pjs and fuzzy socks or workout clothes. I'd let go of my old corporate clothes when I lost a bunch of weight. I sorted that out in my mind, but then the idea of being in a snow and 20 degree temps environment came in . I'm a southern girl. This is still an issue and I only have a few weeks to sort this out.

Then the fat/diet thoughts came. The "how much weight can I lose in 3 weeks?" mentality lit up my brain. The bad knee , obese part of me thought, "oh , will I have to do stairs? Am I fit enough? I need to increase walking and the workouts!" This is a nightmare. If I could magically lose X amount of pounds I would have done it already, right?.

OMG, I gotta fly? alone?! I've done it before but a long time ago. The last flight I had was across country at 50 pounds heavier , so it should be ok?. How weird, I've been looking up at airplanes flying high over our neighborhood in route to the airport and wondering about those people and where they are going and coming from and why? weird.

There are also worries about leaving my spouse and dog for a week. Oh, and I don't have a watch with a working battery or a cell phone or would I need a lap top? My laptop is an ancient , gigantor and a new one is not in my budget. I like my uncluttered flow of life and that doesn't work with this kind of trip. ARGGGH!...I can become obsessed. Compulsive over eater, Compulsive over thinker. Ironically, I got a piece of luggage for my birthday recently that I didn't think I would need for a long while.

Any thoughts?

Friday, December 12, 2014

Friday's post doin stuff

This was a last of the year hurrah time off week for me. I worked Monday and was off Tuesday through Thursday , and I'm back at work today and then off the weekend. Here's what got done during my time off:

Dragged my butt off the sofa on a regular basis


Daily naps

Slept 'late' to 8:30 am most days


Weight training class


Said ooh , ouch a good bit because my butt and back hurt

Cleaned out the car looking for my cell phone that has been lost a while (cheapie tracphone)

Put a Christmas table cloth on the table and filled the table with the bottles of wine, candy, gifts to wrap.


Wrapped 2 gifts

Wrote the Christmas cards but didn't have energy / interest to label / stamp/ mail
I haven't done cards in years. Seemed a nice thing to do.

Talked on the phone to my snow bound friends in Michigan and Canada

Watched a heck of a lot of "Pit bulls and Paroles" and channel flipped.
best movie I saw was " High Plains Drifter"==classic Clint Eastwood

Soaked in the tub and said the Serenity prayer

Got out of hand with one food item and bagged it up and put it in the cabinet. Outta sight , not outta mind but out of bounds till next week

And for this weekend............I'll try to mail those cards and drop a book off at the library . We are going to the lake to visit my father in law on Saturday which means I'll do some yard work there. Sunday is church, nap , yoga. I'm sure 'Pit bulls and Paroles' will make an appearance on the tv.

Have a good weekend.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Scattered, Smothered, Covered and ...........................................

Sorry for the Waffle House Food reference , but it so perfectly fits what I want to write about.

At my recent therapy session we talked about my eating disorder. My nutritionist had recently clarified what kind of ED I had and made sure I was working with a therapist. This kind of made me nervous. It was right before Thanksgiving. Was she thinking I was shaky or not doing well? Did her supervisor suggest she clarify that I'm working with someone since our time together is winding down ? (I'm in an insurance funded program and have worked weekly with her since 2013.) While she assures me I'm one of just a few people who has stuck with the program, she also wants me to know while I haven't lost a gangbusters amount of weight (I've kept off 7 lbs since 2013) the fact of my ED and just trying to work with that versus having just a 'lose weight/diet' mentality is tough. Don't I know it.

My therapist and I have worked on this ED thing for a while but it isn't the real issue. The behaviors and habits and emotions and issues behind the disorder are what we focus on. But she commented on my All Day focus on food as also somewhat of an ED. I challenged that. If I were an alcoholic wouldn't I have to think about how to maintain sobriety 24/7? In this case my sobriety is not bingeing and not obsessing over a particular item. (I had a brief fail with an internet surf for gingerbread)

But I agreed there is an element of being too focused on food *not necessarily the obsessive type behaviors I can and Have had and work to try to avoid. First, I AM a foodie and love enjoying fine and tasty and even gourmet foods . I read restaurant reviews and recipes as a child. The food network didn't exist then, a blessing. And second and third, it was / is a coping mechanism and then a habit and a brain chemistry issue. And then as my therapist suggested since I've been obese since a child it is also a cellular / thirsty -abundant-fat cell-hormonal kind of a thing. Great...lay it on me sista. She told she was trying to give me a break that I was too hard on my self. HMPH!

But later I did dwell on and thought about what she said-that thinking about food so much is something of a disorder also.

I read our blog world blogs daily and some do include photos and recipes. I will change up the lineup of what I look at when this gets out of hand. Does reading blogs foster disordered food thinking or guilt ridden or obsessed diet-weight loss thinking?

In church or even yoga classes I will lose touch with what's going on and think about going shopping and what I'm going to buy or eat. This happened at church Sunday. I could not stay on track with the service but for a few minutes at a time. I was delayed in getting up for communion because my head was bowed and I drifted between prayer and these kind of thoughts. I went to Yoga that day with the purpose of trying to be centered and peaceful and I did achieve that with prayer(though not perfectly). I do pray for help with this.

So I want to work on this more. I can feel uncentered--scattered, obsessed and unable to redirect-smothered, and hopeless and having that ' back at square one' feeling--covered. But realizing it and admitting it, and in this case, declaring it are a step in the right direction.

Friday, December 5, 2014

On to Play, Rest, Revive

Here in Atlanta we are having foggy, misty weather (that I love) and I can imagine I'm in London -or Seattle. Cold at night and warming up to around 60 in the day, though I prefer a little colder weather at this time of year. I took a walk last night at my favorite park's orchard and meadow area and scared off , accidentally, about 4 deer who gracefully bounded away. I would have rather they accepted me and continued grazing, but the bounding away was beautiful and duh, they are wild.

I fell asleep watching Peter Pan last night about one hour in. Literally, my mouth open and head dropped to my chest. I took the hint and just went to bed at 9 pm. Sleep is a marvelous thing until I dreamed about aliens snatching up folks because we wouldn't stop over using technology and ruining the environment. Why do I dream this weird stuff?

Did anybody watch Peter Pan? should I go back and watch the recorded version?

I have the weekend off, I work Monday, I'm taking off Tuesday through Thursday and back to work Friday. I've got one brunch and one party to attend this weekend. I plan to get some zumba in tonight and maybe yoga on Sunday.

While I'm off next week I'll send some cards and wrap gifts and shop. I hope to take one of our senior ladies from church who doesn't drive out to shop and have breakfast. I'm also going to enjoy going to the gym to catch some weekday classes which are always a nice change from the evening / weekend classes . I'm just enjoying the season. Last year I was in shock and mourning with both my dog and cat dying around this time. sigh. .

Food wise: I'm planning my daily food plan for a few days at a time since the weekends get away from me and my calorie intake rises usually. I'm still maintaining my weight through the holidays. I have a friend that always comments that I look good and I'm losing weight ( in front of other people). I've said something to her that it makes me uncomfortable, but I guess I need to repeat that one. I think it's just gravity's affect which is lowering everything. Gravity is a beyotch.

TGIF ya'll.