Friday, June 19, 2015

STILL--in Pjs

Anybody out there ? I'm still here, writing a little just to check in. ED outpatient treatment rolls on and is about to go in to month 3. I'm where I need to be. I want to tell you about it all, but I just can't. Comments off so I just say what I want and not be tied to wanting approval or not. But I want to share this for anyone reading that feels lost, exhausted, or hopeless. I still don't read blogs and probably never will again. I am sad about this, but it keeps me on my path. Perfect eating? nah. More peace of mind? yes. There is discovery every day.

I still have a food plan which is designed to give me what I need and has some freedom, but ultimately is what is healthy for my body. I recognize hunger and fullness signals that I didn't before, or just ignored. I am working on a workbook with one of the therapists. I basically check off as 'yes' to every detail and description of someone with an eating disorder. I work on exploring those beliefs and maybe busting them down. Mindfulness has a big part to play in everyday life now. If you want to check out a workbook one is "Eat drink and Be mindful".

I'm in meal groups, group therapy, individual therapy, nutrition therapy and couples therapy every week. Insurance pays and bundles all in to one cost per treatment day. I have 2 treatment days a week and with travel time that is 15-16 hours a week. I'm so tired that I nap on both Saturday and Sunday. I also have homework to do though. Still working full time. Definitely less time for other things--internet time being one.

I've had individual therapy and nutrition visits for years off and on but never this intense. We covered some of this same ground but at that slower pace. I'm having to work this almost daily and be accountable and share my gut feelings and sad stories and happy successes and the little failures that teach me and make me stronger. I have a treatment team that meets and reviews my progress and and where I need to modify or what I need to focus on next.

If you find you identify with the concept/description of eating disordered, I would recommend you start with individual therapy. I've read books and tried to do it on my own but it takes so much more. I am unlike some of my group members because I've been eating disordered since I was a small child. Years of this to work through.

I needed this and it works for me. I may check in again, but wanted you to know I'm in a good ( but not perfect place.)

Sunday, May 10, 2015


HEY! How ya'll doin? I so miss blogging and sharing to the world my little life whether anyone reads it or not. I take pictures and walk through the gardens near my house and think "I'm going to put this in my blog".

I want to talk about movies I've seen. I watched the movie "Interstellar" and said WTF? (my husband had to interpret and translate for me). I Loved "The Age of Adaline". I want to see "Mad Max" and "Far from the Madding Crowd".

I want to talk about "Mad Men" and "Game of Thrones".

I'd tell you about developing Shingles and dealing with the pain with my new pals-combining Gabe and Vic as my pain regimen- oh and Al...(Gabapentin, Vicodin, Aleive) and Vitamin B shots at the doctors office. I want to talk about my new nightgown and Pj top (necessary to decrease irritation on my rash).

But mostly I want to share with you how I'm doing with 8 hours of therapy a week and even more time of reading and journaling as part of intensive outpatient eating disorder treatment. Oh, and the stress and drag of driving one hour each way but the pleasure of driving home at sunset listening and singing to music.

I would share that I quickly had less episodes of the exhausting cycle of: ---- focused intent on diets and weight loss / maintaining ----still obsessing about certain foods---indulging in foods or overeating or even binges ---and then the guilt and shame ---and then the eventual pulling it together and "restarting" and "rebooting" and eventually repeating the cycle again. A mode I've been stuck in for years. I'd also share with how I'm becoming more in touch with my hunger and fullness and satiety but it is still a work in progress. When I repeatedly think I want to go back for one more bite or another serving and I stop myself and consider it and then just move on , I'm later so proud. A string of successes follow. My new group friends support me and share as well.

I weighed once and had lost 4 pounds but the mental energy and thinking that that produced was not healthy. Now, I don't weigh. My nutritionist will eventually. At my doctors office I said "I don't want to know my weight so I turned around to weigh and they respected that....... AND I left the office not obsessing about it and feeling hopeless or 'reinspired' to eat/ exercise better. I also left without the talking myself in and out of wanting to stop at Hardees for cinnamon raisin biscuits like I usually did (Hardees is right near her office and I worked there as a teen so this has been an issue for many , many years.) I could have it if I want to but I haven't really wanted it.

I have more time in my life with not reading blogs, but I miss reading about you and sharing with you all. I also find myself seeing magazines or programs on tv or commercials for diets I've done or thought of doing. I don't want to do them . I don't even want to read or watch about it. I know what the eventual outcome would be for me.

So I'll pop out now. Doing well. Staying out of blog world again.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Radio Silence

I'm taking off a week or so as I begin ED treatment to get settled in. So many experiences , thoughts, challenges. I think I need a little more info and guidelines as well as direction for now. I also think my blog and reading others should be on hold till I get more insight about my blog and blogging in general.

...Hangng in here.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Working on Recovering in all things

Well, working on it.

I have orientation with the eating disorder center on Saturday and then full on in the program on Tuesday. I've had a phone meet with my nutritionist and will probably start working with the psychologist also next week. I'll also have some body image work in there as well. The other part of the program is two evenings a week of group treatment starting with a group meal.

That group meal thing and what to bring is taking up a lot of worry room in my brain. Everything I first thought to bring is on the "DO NOT BRING" list because it is exactly what those seeking treatment would want to bring. Oy! I have a guideline and will work on figuring it out. Maybe, I'll buy a new Tupperware thing. It still is going to be on my mind quite a bit which I guess is something to explore as well. I know already I'm going to start my sharing after the meal that I am so nervous about this aspect.

I did have to do this when I had treatment in my 20's and it was weird-ish then too.

It has been something of a revelation to have made the decision to get treatment. Every decision or thought about food , health, exercise is made with more thought and consciousness. Just making the decision and choosing to live by that decision rather than let my inner food addict have a last hurrah! is powerful. I'm burning through the journal pages. If only I could read my handwriting more easily.

Other recovery work is going on with the body. Since my work travel, sickness, slow return to exercise, I am now really limited. It feels like I'm walking around with concrete blocks for thighs and butt even though my weight has not increased that much. The old girl just feels old. My body, mind, and soul miss Zumba and Yoga , but I'm realistic. I'm just not there yet. I attacked it head on today and have had 4 short walks and 2 leg exercise and stretching sessions and it has been less painful through the day. I'm following a physical therapy routine they use with hip replacement patients. More tomorrow. More stretching is the key. Getting myself to the pool at least once this week.

I have desk-job butt AND hope!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Bringing The Healthy to an Easter Sunday Family Event

Happy Easter to those who celebrate. With long johns on and fleece, we went to sunrise service in the small meditation garden at our church. It is lovely to see pink and gold streaks across the sky and listen to birds sing while we worship. For some reason Easter mornings in Atlanta are often freezing cold amongst weeks that have temps that reach the 80's. I always like that after we worship, we all pick up the chairs, candles, and alter and carry it back in to the church. That bit of community effort adds a simple and special end to our service.

Now on to the a family celebration at the little lake house of my curmudgeon father in law. My sister in law does it up big with too much food for just 5 people and our dog. We all have left overs enough to last a couple of days. She needs a family of 10 - 15 to provide for. The only veggies she every considers are iceberg lettuce salad and at the winter holidays green been casserole floating with cream of mushroom soup in the crockpot. The only bread she likes is Hawaiian rolls and buns. I'm forgoing the buns to have onion rings and a few fries.

So the family motto is that I 'bring the healthy'. I always end up taking half of it home, but I try.
Todays Healthy Easter spread--green grapes, strawberries (sweet and the size of tangerines!), nuts, cheese, broccoli with carrots and ranch dressing, and pretzels.

I could have provided more veggie options, but it would be just a futile effort and I'd bring home limp veggies. How is it that the most overweight and most food disordered person there also offers and focuses her eating on the healthier options? I am not a lost cause and I'm not completely over some tipping point of total unhealthiness. That feels good. Also, I will walk down to the docks and pick up limbs and sticks for a little exercise and alone time.

Have a peaceful day.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

To Treat or Not To Treat--BED

Binge eating disorder. I went through about a 3 hour assessment for an eating disorders program today. Opening my soul and all my quirks and worries and issues to strangers....nice, strangers. I would say I probably have no choice but to treat. Eating disorder treatment--outpatient, like 6+ hours in 2 nights a week. A lot of driving. A good bit of moneys , but mostly covered by insurance (I think). And my husband has to attend some of my sessions?!? He's game for it.

It means weaning off of my 7 year relationship with my current therapist and starting over fresh. But starting in a different place with a different approach with someone specifically trained for my issues. I love my therapist but she pushes boundaries in discussing food things and not in the most therapeutic way ( good hearted though). I've come to question and not trust always things that she or my dietician says , but then I don't trust and question a lot of the things I've done as well. I sometimes think they just say yes or agree with me to offer support though my dietician does challenge me on things (which is good).

This eating disordered part of me overrides everything else in my life currently, sometimes, usually, often. It isn't just about binge eating or compulsive over eating which has become regular of late. But this disorder, my disorder is as much or even more about the disordered / obsessive thinking and behavior around dieting, weight loss methods, body image, body acceptance, and food obsession. I've identified as eating disordered and had treatment through therapy / dietician counseling off and on since I was in my twenties. During the last 7 years I've continued therapy and dietician counseling off and on but not with eating disorder specialized clinicians. I have thought about and wanted to seek specific ED therapy for years but could just never bring myself to do it. And, here I am.

Being disordered and losing the 135 pounds I lost and getting to that lowest low and then really struggling with everything that came with that is partly what's pushed me to this place. Also, it was the need to continue to maintain the weight I lost when I couldn't seem to lose any more. And then I would have overeating and binges (brought on by deprivation some would say.) I was dealing with regaining weight and so I tried this and that and read blogs and really dug in to this approach or that approach. I succeeded, I failed. I started over. I failed. I started again. again again . Lots of blog reading, magazine reading , journaling, obsessing. starting over and over and over. I see this in so many of our blogs. It takes over. It doesn't seem to end.

And this...this is the biggie. How can I feel good about my body or myself when I felt so much better about me just one, two, ...or at four years ago when I hit that low? I ran 5Ks for gosh sake. I felt strong and athletic then and I was so proud of that. I do not feel that way now. My knees/back/hips hurt and it's difficult to lift my legs to put pants on. That freaks me out. How will I keep from gaining weight if I don't exercise at a certain intensity and frequency which I can't do? I'm gaining weight slowly dealing with the overeating and bingeing that has been happening. How do I keep from becoming immobile or from being the fat lady in the motorized shopping cart? I have still only gained back about 65 pounds since that lowest low in April of 2011, but my body is older and feels older. And I know that getting treatment is not a magic pill that makes it all better and the weight start coming off either . And, that scares me too.

Not surprisingly I scored off the charts with the body image/ body dissatisfaction part of the testing today. Binge eating, depression came next. How can a person be so depressed on a moderate dose of an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer?

So ultimately, I am a bit confused about how to be. My inner language and thoughts are peppered with knowledge and facts and feelings and opinions about what , where , how to eat and exercise. Also, how many calories this is or that is or should I eat this or that or do this or that? In this blog world this is not unusual, but when I'm with other people I can see how it sticks out. I feel I must say to a friend ordering at Arbys "do you know that has 1300 calories?" and they go "really?" and order it anyway. They don't have the knowledge but also don't care and don't worry and don't have weight / health issues. I've talked about this with a couple of my friends and it helps them understand me , but I just can't fathom how they can not think the same way I do about food and diet. And none of my friends know about my blog. I would not be as truly honest here if I knew someone I knew was reading it. (is that weird?)

I'm not sure if our blog world here is disordered. I think I am a disordered person in this blog world. It may be that my approach and daily reliance on blog world has also escalated things in my disorder and my confusion and obsessions. I've stopped reading as many blogs or as often just to decrease the volume a bit. I stopped certain blogs entirely due to food images and food discussions which triggered me. I accidentally , truly, erased my blog roll. I have to wonder if that was divine intervention? But, I get so much from our blog world that helps me even though I don't always agree or can follow the blogger's methods. I miss reading as much about you guys who I consider friends. I am confused and don't know where to go with this and will discuss this in therapy.

Oh, and I had to go buy some new capris because my other ones are getting too tight. Shopping ain't fun.

sigh....that's a lot off my chest...Just keeping ya'll posted. If insurance pays, I'm doing it.

To Treat.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Highs / Lows-- Pedicures, Zombies , Taxes

Random things....

Friday, I pulled together a swim outfit and took my self to the gym for a water workout. This is something I've kind of wanted to do and needed to do for a long while. My joints are having issues right now. I walked in and they just closed the pool because the chemical balance isn't right. CRAP

I binge watched Married at First Sight -season 2 this weekend. In college I minored in sociology and psychology (and English)..this is right up my alley. Tonight is the Walking Dead Season Finale. If you can look past the gore and goop, it is a great show full of good acting , good writing, symbolism , metaphors,and foreshadowing.

Also, the documentary about Scientology comes on HBO tonight. Tom Cruise is going to be drinking a stiff scotch tonight and letting the phone go to voicemail.

Citizen Four, the documentary about Snowden and the intelligence leaks was also excellent and made so much more sense to me about what that was all about. Another lesson learned about making my own mind up versus what is fed to me from media.

For us television watchers, the good thing about this coming week is that it brings the return of Mad Men and Game of thrones soon. Bates Motel is back and is creepy good. I've actually greatly reduced the amount of television I watch (doesn't sound that way huh?) I tend to have to watch things I really like twice to catch all the nuances--things like Downton Abbey (eye candy) and the Walking Dead (not eye candy -I shield my eyes sometimes.) This doesn't leave time for much else. And I plan to be at the pool more and the park when I can walk without pain.

I had my first real pedicure this week. I'm not 'in' to people touching my feet, but I just really needed to get my toes looking better. It made me feel better. I've got this one gnarly looking toenail that fell off *knocked actually and grew back --twice in my lifetime . I think the sweet lady doing my toes couldn't help but make a face and say something in her language to the person next to her. I just closed my eyes and tried to listen to the music playing and feel the back massager in my chair that was pulling my spine and muscles apart and back together again and smoothing it all out. It worked. I didn't know what to expect or how it all worked. I'm surprised that after a couple of years of just thinking about it, that I just did it. I'll go back. My feet look way better then when my husband and I do them (he paints them.)

I made an appointment to have an assessment at an eating disorder center for this week. It's an assessment that takes about 3 hours with questionnaires , computerized testing, and a psych eval. The end result will be recommendations on where I'm at and what I might need and what this particular center may be able to do for me. This is also something I've been thinking about doing for a few years and I just did it. I felt relief.

Yet, I also have found that my eating issues are really triggered now. In fear they will be stifled? It isn't always that I may be eating the wrong things or too much or an actual large volume binge. It can also be the crazy thinking one minute of how I hate my belly and my arms, and the guilt I feel over this thing I'm eating or doing or not doing. It can be the intensity of fear I have about the repercussions of every action to do with eating and exercising. Also, it can be about that craziness that reacts to a new commercial or Dr OZ ad for the next best weight control method even when I know better and even when what I really want is to be healthy and free from the crazy.

I really don't put it all here. If you every look in to Binge eating disorder on line I pretty much answer every checklist
question as yes or always. Treatment is so different from what I had in the 80's. Yesterday I was depressed and slept most of the day and had a binge--just going back and back and back for this and that and not at all hungry. Today, I have purpose and I'm
doing just fine with food and doing not as bad with body image.

I finished the taxes ! It was a different computer program than we had used before. It was a struggle-so many questions that I have to look up and really read through. Waiting for that check to come, my husband's tuition is due soon.

I'm ready to get off the rollercoaster and sail a bit. Too many highs and lows.