Sunday, August 31, 2014

Apparently, The Pumpkin is's to Pumpkinating ! Fallishness post #1

*I actually took care to try to not put food photos in this least I'm not sure if this counts as a food photo. Food porn really activates my inner addict self.
(also photos are from the actual sites for the products)

Now totally off topic but on my mind, something for laughs......we all need to laugh.

If you haven't seen the ' Apparently Kid' video, then google it......Did you google it? See video and come back.

My husband and I use 'apparently' now in most conversations, Especially when we are irritated with each other because it cracks us up still. One needs to crack to make the other crack and then the standoff is ovah. It's seeping in to all conversations now, apparently. I even find myself using it with other people and at work and so does he.

That is also my marriage advice 101. Still at it after 18 years and counting. the topic.

This is part of my "Fallishness" posts. Fallishness is a made up work of mine--like sniglets. I love things Fall and want Fall way before it's really Fall (and WAY, WAY before it's Fall in Georgia?) Which is kind of foolish. Thus, Fallishness.
I've spent a bit of Fall in Vermont, Maine, and Michigan in different years , so that's why I am so IN to Fall.

September is apparently 'bringing back pumpkin month'. Shouldn't it be October? or November? I mean we got 91 degrees as the high today in the Atlanta area. I got a cute, pretty Dunkin Donut flyer thingeee in the mail with pumpkin everything...'Pumpkin Dunkin'. It will be trashed because it is friggin' food porn. We went to Dunkin donuts for little scoops of ice cream as a treat today and the Pumpkin isn't there . Apparently , it will be on Sept 1st.

I have to ration myself on pumpkin flavored things or else I burn out on it before the night time temperatures get to 50. I just like the sound and thought of it and that keeps me going for a while. I savor the idea of looking forward to it rather than indulging. It's like vacation-I'm in to the planning and imagination and excitement part of it and the actual vacation when it comes is gone in a flash.

But the pumpkin thing--maybe a baked item or the first pumpkin cottage cheese concoction I like.....

One Saturday morning in the near future when it's a cool 55 to 60 ish degrees outside, I'll go out to my backyard patio table in my pjs with a steaming mug of coffee and eat a pumpkin something. Or maybe just have a cup of pumpkin chai tea. mmmmmmm Maybe I'll light up a pumpkin candle. I'll watch the squirrels and birds party in our oak tree laden back yard while my dog sighs and watches and sits at my feet.

See it's worth waiting for.

I'm setting the date ahead to start the pumpkinating for the first day of Fall Sept 23- the Autumnal Equinox. (My inner Fallishness addict just cringed.) Better to reduce or delay any carb eating any way possible.
Maybe I'll have a friend over and eat popcorn and we'll watch one of my favorite Fall movies that day "The Village" or "Practical Magic". I'll decorate the house with my box of Fall/ autumn things with all my various sized fake pumpkins and pine cones and sunflower / fall leaf bouquets.

Food addict? Fall addict? Yes. But this makes things more enjoyable and savored versus just becoming an everyday thing or being abused. I also don't obsess over having it or not having it or feeling temptation . I know I 'll have something and I can just wait. I did the last year and when the date came I just ignored it and had it a few weeks later. It wasn't a big deal. It works for me. Apparently. Find what works for you.

Bath and Body Works is all about the pumpkin too and I did indulge in some room spray and an itty bitty candle and a room infuser. Then they hand me coupons that are good for more pumpkin stuff starting later in September...just keep us coming back will ya. Most of the stuff there I can't stand, but occasionally I really like one or two things.

Pumpkin smells--I can do . We have been using a "Winter" scented BBW spray in the bathroom and I want to save that till it's actually closer to the holidays. I kept meaning to buy Lemon or something summerish but never did. On the other hand, Thriftiness abounds in my mind these days, so I bought a citrus mint scented, giant 34 ounce bottle of hand soap at Bed, Bath, and BEYOND for $1.99. Much cheaper than Bath and Body Works or any thing at a grocery store. Should last forever.

So that's my Fall/ Pumpkin thoughts for the day...Oh yea, I did find Dunkin Donuts coffee on sale at Target for $7.99 and I had a $2 off coupon to use. There was the Pumpkin spice flavored coffee sitting next to a Maple Brown Sugar flavored. Flavored coffee and teas takes care of my sweet tooth most of the time and home brewed is way cheaper and less caloric than a Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts store treat. I've been 5 days without coffee because of my stomach issues, so I bought it (the maple kind) but kind of sighed longingly as I did so.

Do you pumpkin too?

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Sad , sick , shame...and something more

One of the 'little ol ladies' at my church passed and it's been sad here in Pj country. She was a special lady and always made me feel liked and happy and supported. I never once tired of talking with her. She was literally the life of the party at the last few church Christmas parties. She will be missed. It makes me think about how easily we miss opportunities and moments to show the one's we care about.

Work is keeping me busy and I'm still sick...been sick with varying degrees since last Wednesday. The women in my family have a long history of irritable bowel syndrome and I also have a tendency to be on the edge of having an ulcer. Varying symptoms and only getting unhappier. I've given up coffee, tea, diet soft drinks, citrus, anything with spice or flavor of any kind and I'm taking drugs ...not better. I saw my Gi doc today and got a new drug and will have a scan to rule out any thing scary. I always feel that it is related to my obesity (and it probably is). There's always a bit of shame about this.

Sorry to be a downer , but this is where I am. I'm looking forward to the looong weekend.

*Friday morning. I just wanted to add something. I've been avoiding any 'bad' or intense feelings for most of my life by binges on food---see avatar photo of kid climbing on kitchen counter to find cookies and cereal. Food/Tv/reading/sleep--all great numbing things that I've used out of proportion to avoid anything less than happy and peaceful feelings. When I post about feelings it is something of a revelation, that I am experiencing these emotions WITHOUT using my usual tricks. Food/Tv/reading/sleep are always going to be in my life, but my intentions of experiencing these things and the proportions that I utilize them are the difference in living a healthier life or one stuck in cold, numb avoidance.

Monday, August 25, 2014

RIP ....True Blood

Series Over. Sweet ending. Much better done than the series ending of Dexter.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

A fire in my belly

I think there is a new age book or concept around these words. I can only give my personal truth...I have a fire in my belly. Sick since yesterday. I stopped eating after lunch yesterday. My stomach growls--maybe chicken soup or crackers or apple sauce....later.. Maybe not ...skeered.

It's a strange thing to deal with the mental aspects of recovering from food addiction with a body that puts out some mixed signals on what it wants and needs. The really 'mental sick' part thinks "will I lose any weight?". Be honest. It does come to mind. The food addict that doesn't like giving up her food crazy food loves is thinking "OOH, Can I have whatever I want when I can eat again since I have a calorie deficit?"....Notice this is in direct conflict with the 'mental sick' thoughts. The healthy part is thinking 'just take care of yourself so you can feel and get better."

Sunday, August 17, 2014

ONE Minute Fitness!!

On a lighter note........I hate those tele-commercials that make it sound and look so easy to work out and get fit. The other thing is Prevention magazine. I used to have a subscription and I saved 2 years worth of issues. I kid you not, almost every issue had one of the same titles of articles in it as the previous one : Fit after 40! Fight Belly Fat! Fight Stress! Foods that make you fat! Foods that don't make you fat! FLAT BELLY DIETTTT!!!!!


I did a workout Monday night that was amazing. If I did this 3 times a week I would feel , if not look AMAAAZING...and sore.

I was there for Zumba but the teacher was late. My old trainer was about to start a group circuit workout and offered it to me for free. I debated. I was , honestly, a little hesitant scared

..What a workout!

This is what I can remember-

-only 15 to 30 second rests in between each.

1 minute each

Bicycle with crunches
V ups
one legged bridge (I can't do these..just did bridges)
2 sets tricep dip (I modified)
2 sets one legged squat
2 sets Bicep curls, 2 sets arm circles (5-15 lb wts)
Jump ups (modified for the big girls)
Overhead lift 40 lb
Rope (the big rope things that you see on Biggest Loser --harder than it looks)
Lat pull downs
Burpee (I modified)
Tug of war with the big rope--we lost

Here's what happened and what I think.

Great workout. Sweating. Sweating. Cardio. Strength.

My upper body is pretty strong--that comes from yoga.

I sometimes stopped because every one else had stopped, but I could have pushed more.

Some things I could not do or modify. My body just couldn't do them. That frustrates and inspires me.

I could have done more reps on some things, and I did less on others . That still made me feel good as I might have been one of the oldest there and one of the largest, it was my first session and they had been at it for weeks.

I did a perfect 1 minute plank and 1 minute side planks. perfect for me.

I did modify several things because my body just can't do it--too big, too flabby from years of obesity and weight loss.

There are times when I wonder if other people can imagine what it feels like at my size to do the exercises and to deal with the self consciousness of doing this in front of the entire gym. I pretty much just push forward and ignore everyone, but I am still aware. Sometime I don't think about it at all.

I could never do this years ago.

I would like to do this more , but my trainer is moving on . I will watch out to see the new trainer that takes over the group and see if I can afford it.

I left the gym with my metabolism burning at full cylinders.

I went home and I was proud. I did not overeat and came under my calorie budget.

It makes me question , If I'm working out hard enough otherwise. But I'm sweating?! And I'm not a sweater usually.

I'm pretty darn sore.

I feel good!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Just Cuz...a Robin Williams post

I just wanted to check in...not a complete check in , but one just because. Or as I say all the time to my husband "Cuz"...

I'm bummed about Robin Williams' death . We have a family member that also committed suicide , so my perspective may be a bit different than those not touched personally by a suicide. My heart goes out to his family and his personal friends because what I feel can only scratch the surface of what they must feel. I feel sad, betrayed, and even a bit guilty.

In our family, the entire structure disintegrated. It's taken years and only bits and pieces are healing. It will never be whole. I just wish that any one , any one, could have intervened with just the right words to cause him to pause. We don't know his pain or his reasons. I do know what it is like to feel hopeless.

One thing my nurse part of me wants to share is that depression is very common in those that have had heart attacks and heart surgery. I know he had other demons, but he had heart surgery within the last year. If you or if you have a loved one who has a heart attack or goes through heart surgery , remember this and help them. Just be there. Listen. Hard to do. I want to fix things.

I did a search on our cable system (Comcast) for anything playing with Robin in it, and just about all of his biggest movies will be playing on the premium channels within the next few days. My Dvr will be overflowing. I also had just set up a major House Hunter International schedule of recordings (my calm and happy place) and my husband is on a Night Gallery and Petticoat Junction kick.

Sorry to be a whine ..I have another lighter post coming.

This was just cuz I'm feeling and dealing and not dwelling on the negative.

Carpe diem

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Rhythm and Peace

my front stoop

I'm learning or recognizing how much that I'm a creature of rhythms. Habits ,too maybe. But with the idea of rhythms I think of the ocean and the calming sounds of waves. I think recognition of this and just accepting it and living with it is peaceful. Like a piece of music, it all makes sense and flows when you acknowledge it and just let it happen. I've a history of getting too 'good and bad' or 'black and white' or ritualistic with things, so this 'music' and less rigidness brings peace.

I really noticed this today. It's August-school is starting, people squeeze in last vacations, the pools are still open, it's still hot. But , I--I am craving Fall. Fall-ishness of pumpkin candles, cold mornings, cold/ rainy movies, hot chai tea. I want to see the leaves change and take walks at the park. This just doesn't fit with August. I'm out of sync here. But I've always been like this. What can I say. I remind myself to live in the moment and enjoy each day. Embrace the end of summer.

The first 'eating'/'body' rhythm is kind of funny. If I'm eating in a balanced way with meals and have a balanced breakfast of carb/protein / fat at around 8 am , I will magically get hungry at exactly the same time each day. Stomach growling hungry at EXACTLY 10:47 to 10:48 am. I know this because I can be completely immersed in work and unaware of the time or maybe I'm taking a break or coaxing Angel to go outside , and suddenly I'm hungry. I look up and it's either 10:47 or 10:48 am. It's Always at the same time.

It happens over and over and over (and over again). For months now, err... maybe a year or so. I accept it. But I mean it is really gotta-do-something-act-on-it HUNGRY. The medications I take do not have an effect here--I've tested it. My choices are to have a snack or drink a lot of water because I have a set food plan for the day and I know I'll be eating lunch soon. Sometimes I plan the snack and sometimes I just sit with it. If the water doesn't do the trick I'll pick something random to eat-sometimes a protein drink or cheese and fruit or celery with peanut butter. I do it differently almost every time. I'm not in that black and white, rigid rhythm on this and that's cool. I like that.

After lunch , about mid afternoon I want something sweet. Sometimes I'll just have Hot tea or coffee with a piece of cookie or part of a protein / snack bar or yogurt with fruit. This comes from my mother's habit of a daily 3 pm break to smoke, read the Tv Guide, drink some water or Coca cola and have a sweet snack-- Cookies or Sara Lee. I visited my friend in Canada once at her family's Dairy farm and they all sit around and chat and enjoy their 'tea' like this as well each day- Coffee or tea and baked goods.

That part of me that reads British literature likes this 'tea' idea too. But the part that reads blogs and wants to improve/control my behavior and focus on food and weight loss is thinking--'this is a bad habit'. I tried chewing sugarless gum in the afternoon instead, but that Overstimulated my hunger. I cut out the gum when I realized it. These rhythms can be instructive. Honestly, there are days when I ignore all of this because I'm just too busy with work. I like that forgetting and not caring what happens--a rarity.

Now hear comes a new rhythm that I do not like. I'm talking hormones and 'lady time' stuff. I get hot or seem to have a hot flash between 4:00 p and 6:00. It's just a sudden thing-no sweating. Just Damn Hot. Then it dissipates. Even today on Saturday as I write this, I had that 6 pm hot flash. Nothing changed, I'm just sitting here as I have been for over 40 minutes. Huh!

Other things seem to come and go in a pattern and it has me on the alert right now. Sometimes I really get in to exercise , but then I get injured or sick with a cold or unusual 'lady time' stuff. Then, I can't exercise as much or the same way. I started riding a bike again a few years ago and crashed twice and needed steroid injections to my knees. I am scared of that kind of injury again.

Right now, I'm really enjoying the time I spend with exercise. My body feels strong and flexible. I'm doing Yoga and Zumba and weight training regularly again. I'm doing a 2 hour stint of Yoga/ then Zumba on Saturdays. I feel so energetic on those days. But other days I just rest. I don't want to do anything.

And, I'll feel that little twinge here and there-will my foot turn over or my back start hurting. I want to take extra care, so that I don't get injured. I also want to push myself because I feel so good, but I hesitate. This injury thing or another kind of illness is a pattern that happens season after season. I lose progress and have to start over. This is where a life of obesity is a struggle. I have to exercise a certain amount to lose and/or to maintain the weight loss I've had-to maintain a healthier lifestyle. You hear in the media-just walk x # of times, park a little farther away, do resistance training. When you can't do it, it feels wrong , it feels scary. I remind myself to seek balance in my efforts-to not go too overboard because that will be better than pushing myself to the point of injury or illness.

This is my only body. It's a wonder. It's precious. It's magic. When I feel too fat or see my one thigh that's bigger than the other or my batwing arms, I don't feel this way about my body. I pray this post or this little piece of rhythmic music I noticed today will keep those thoughts away.

Ok, so that's my little peace today . What are your patterns or rhythms ? What gives you peace?