I'm on a Staycation this week and after a couple of days of just not really being productive and not really taking good care of myself, I'm getting back on track with the SELF CARE mind set. This is in all aspects of my life, though slowly. I did yoga on the floor with my dog this morning. I made a grocery list. I made plans for the next couple of days. Yesterday , My husband and I talked for like 2 hours. That is a very intimate thing to do --just talk and listen and talk and listen.
I've prayed each day to be productive. Otherwise, I would eventually just melt my butt in to the sofa in front of the TV or with my laptop. I'd be quite happy in the moment watching movies or reading or driving around and singing with the radio. I'll do all of that but a few other things too. get some things done.
Sort through , throw away , give away, and store . In a more organized manner.
So being productive.... I'm undergoing a massive clean up and clean out of stuff. I loved the cleaned out and organized feel that we had when we went through our home inspection this summer. Except, it was all on the surface as we had drawers, closets, boxes full of stuff. Now the real work begins.
I've been working on my home/work office, closet, bookcases, Cd/ cassette tapes, and just all the pile of messes. I suited up by taking an antihistamine and wearing a dust mask when I worked on the really dusty things.
But, I am so scattered. I started working on this yesterday and emptied out half of the closet and sorted this and that. I started a box to take to Goodwill. But then , I just HAD to organize my prescription meds for the next 2 weeks. Then I moved on to the kitchen cabinet that holds our strainers and some of our Tupperware. (The meds had to go on the counter and the counter was clogged up with stuff from the cabinet.)
Ok, back to the office. I dusted and sorted through and organized my cds and cassettes. I weeded out a shoe box full of music to take to the used cd/book store for credit. I started listening to old Cds and cassettes as I worked---mixed tapes from the 80's and 90's, the Dixie Chick's Wide Open Spaces, Natalie Merchant's first solo CD, Unknown or barely known bands that I liked in my 20's. I kept a few of those that were just too good. I forgot , but I have EVERY REM cassette. I didn't get around to listening to these, but I did alphabetize my 6 top bands (those that I've bought more than one release for ) --Coldplay, Crowded House, Duran Duran , REM, Sting, U2.
Food diary's and journals, meal plans, weight loss and diet books---All in one bin and straight to the closet. I do also have 2 decorative boxes full of these journals but they are on top of a book case. I'm going to get it all together and take a photo some day. I threw away some of this diet and food plan stuff. Felt Good. I pulled out 3 Diet books to give away. I still have others and I guess I'm not ready to give those up yet. It always seems there is something really interesting and pertinent when I glance at them.
Files--I've been working on the files and reorganizing what goes where and I think I've got this right.
Photos and photo albums--I inherited my mama's photo albums. 2 entire shelves of an IKEA bookcase for this.
Office supplies/ paper / envelopes-still working on this but consolidating.
1 giant yardsize trash bags and a few broken items to the dumpster.
I want to give credit here to Jackie Monaco from the site "A Weight Lifted" or Fitwoman .com.
This is what I needed today . I've had 2 days of 'everything is going along fine' through the day and then, wham! I fall in to a binge. Well, what I consider a binge by the feeling and action and in some cases volume of food. Not the binges of old days--whole pizza and pint of ice cream or full meal and another full meal to point of sedation. But the kind of binge of a little of this , more of this , more of that, and not realizing what is happening really because I'm so meshed in to the mindset of my food addict / compulsive-eating-for numbing-or-comfort addict of which I am both. They are different.
Here is what I do and Here is the Magic of blogs.
Today is the morning after. I am off work today to go to the dentist and just have a day off. I slept in (8:15 am) and my husband fed the animals breakfast. I lay in bed and felt the guilt, the hopelessness, the shame, and the over-full feeling (not good after having so many GI issues lately).
I repeated the Serenity prayer over and over. I thought about it. I sat down, got out my new journal and wrote and wrote and wrote. I know what is going on that is driving this anxiety and fear that I have tamped down with eating behavior and food. I need to use outlets and get support for those feelings.
But , Parts of my brain , the personality traits of my extremes that I call my 'strict dieter' thinks of immediate things to do--eat at the table, plan my food scrupulously, give up this or that, exercise , exercise, exercise.
== There is a bit of panic in another part of me. It's Fall, I'm on vacation next week. I'm off today and going to whole foods/Trader joes after the dentist with a list. But also it is always a temptation to go to these places. They are over an hour away from my little suburbs and they do have things not available out in my neck o the woods. but I may still vacillate about going or not going.
There is another part of my mind and spirit that says 'slow down girl..... just get through the morning. We've been here.'
The best thing I did was write and loaded the dishwasher and fixed my 'weekend breakfast' pumpkin and oatmeal protein pancake.
I read blogs--many on my blog list on my page.
-Jack S*it, Getting Fit. A member of the been - there- done all that- club. He had a loss. It's possible. What is he eating I wonder?
-Sean over at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. Exactly what I needed to hear about consistency and not being perfect and just starting simply.
-Anele over at Success Along the Weigh. A blog about the judgment of others and making good choices and standing by them.
-Margarita at Weightless on Self Doubt and Small Steps.
-and I went to the site for Fitwoman ( a weight lifted blog) and linked on to Jackie's post and that sign about 'The Morning After'.
That is the Magic. It doesn't always happen. It doesn't save my plan or my path or FIX things. It does set me in to a mindset of Forgiveness and Self care and taking one day (moment) at a time. It gives me a feeling like there were some uncanny things that all connected in what I read today that was what I needed.
I will start writing and talking about what is really bothering me and creating these feelings that need soothing. I will ask for help and pray. That is what I need.
It's been a busy work week of 10 and 11 hour days of butt-sitting computer and phone work with not as much exercise as I need. The time not working I spent sorting through years of paperwork and filling bags and boxes with old files. I'm preparing for the Great Shredder Event.
It happens once or so a year and they set up these giant shredder events for people like me to bring car loads of things to be shredded. Since I don't go in to an office that has giant shredder machines or bins, This is perfect. We have a shredder at home, but I would have to work full time for a week just shredding 10 hours a day to get this load done. My friend L only has 1 file box for all her papers. Imagine that? I'll be taking 4 trash size garbage bags plus to be shredded and will still have 2 file cabinets of files remaining at home.
My husband is going along and we'll leave early as there will be hundreds or more people there to shred. We may need to take our pick up truck. This feels like a continuation of the purging we did when we prepared the house for the refinance inspection. It feels REALLY, REALLY Good. Lightening up.
And it feels scary. What if I screw up and take something I need later?. What if they don't shred our stuff and steal our identities from our stuff? What if I later find another box or bag of stuff that I didn't take to be shredded?
I do feel a bit like a hoarder when I pluck through my old pay stubs from 1995 (actual paychecks , not direct deposited). I'm the executer of my mother's estate and she passed 9 years ago. I did wean out a lot of her paperwork then. But I really thinned it out tonight. It's tough throwing away lists and banks accounts in your mother's distinctive hand writing. But it's just stuff and clutter. I have enough. I have plenty.
Random things I found while Sorting:
Lots of diet / weight loss articles and and various paperwork from Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, OA, Curves and magazines. All trashed, soooo freeing. ( Well , except one meal planning guide I wanted to look through just one more time for ideas. )
A paystub from the movie "The King's Speech"
Lots of pennies.
A full checkbook of unused checks.
Receipts so old that the ink had disappeared.
Receipts for cars I no longer own.
Old birthday cards and notes and letters going back 30 years...saved these to view another time.
The old 1040 paper guides for completing taxes that you used to get from the post office.
Our pets' adoption papers.
The notes I took when I planned our simple beach wedding 17 years ago.
Still Didn't Find: Our marriage license and our wedding vows. Where the heck are they+?
Besides all this, I'm sort of reducing and shredding Food wise.
I'm eating smaller meals to aid in better digestion .
I wait till I'm hungry.
I pre plan options for meals each day , as well as a back up to the back up plans.
I'm using up freezer food. Fall is crockpot weather and I need freezer space to fill.
I have misjudged what is too spicy or too gassy or simply too much at times.
Each mistake makes me wiser.
I bypassed home made chocolate torte. With no regrets and no whining. Triumph!
I had a little itty bitty piece of a Pepperidge Farm cake and turned my nose up at the rest. Not triggered for anything else after.
I nearly burned a hole in my stomach eating a few ounces of meat that was too spicy. I'm still burning a couple of days later despite double strength doses of meds. I thoughtfully think about sucking on pepto bismol tabs for comfort.
I didn't weigh because It usually derails me or frustrates me.
Saturday was one of my 'fun days' until about 6 pm. A friend and I hit up Kohls for the early bird special at 8:30 and I got 2 tops for the price of one. cha ching $$.
Then we headed in to Atlanta's Candler park area to a favorite Breakfast place--The Flying Biscuit Café. We live in the affordable, normal life, less cool suburbs (OTP- outside the perimeter) and anything inside the perimeter highway that circles Atlanta is considered ITP. Actually, ITP is code for cool, artsy, and also yuppie and hipster. I'm an OTP but have lived in and would still prefer to live ITP. Either way, We like going down there ever so often as it is grade A people-watching territory.
If you are a no carb person this is not your place. The Flying biscuit is because the biscuits are like sky high. I approached it with the idea of eating what I wanted but half of it. Big portions here. I ate half of the chicken sausage, half of the biscuit, half of the eggs, half of an oatmeal pancake with peaches, BUT all of the grits ("creamy dreamy grits" and they were. Oh, and only 1/3 of a cup of coffee -strong stuff. I only took the other half of the biscuit and the pancake as leftovers for later in the week. Leaving food on the plate is a good and rare thing, and I was still stuffed.
On to the park for the arts festival. Here's a pic of the lake with a wee bit of the skyline behind it. There's some of the flowers in the park . What isn't seen are the sweating humans because it was 1000% humidity....so humid that it was very common to see people with partially wet clothing. Parks mean fair food ( funnel cake and such) and these incredible looking Pineapple drinks mixed with melon and served in a pineapple. I was still stuffed from breakfast, but towards the end of the day I managed to have a little home made mocha pecan ice cream. That is a combination that is rare, so I wanted to sample it. I walked by the Beignets from a French bakery--now that is something.
Miles walked : 4.2 Money spent: $15 for an artsy barrette and ice cream. Dream money spent if I had a lot of money would have been about $ 3000 on photographs, folk art, and a table made from a really large cross sections of a tree.
On to the movies aka time to dry off. We saw "Magic in the Moonlight" Woody Allen's newest film based in the south of France in the 1920's and starring Colin Firth and Emma Stone. It was enjoyable, peaceful, a beautiful setting for the film and beautifully filmed. The clothing and music were exquisite. My only complaint would be that it seemed like Colin Firth seemed to be shouting his lines at the first part of the movie.
After coming off weeks of being ill with GI issues, I was feeling cocky and had a small popcorn with little diet coke. The pains started towards the end of the movie. I made it home and the fun was over. Relapse on the GI issues. I was asleep by 8 and slept through to the next day and then part of that day.
Lesson learned the hard way. I took the advice of my dietician today and my food plan for the next few weeks , as we have like 28 feet of intestines to heal here, will be low sugar, low caffeine, low fiber, low carbination. That's a tall order but I'm going for it.
Off topic? If you have an Apple device did you get the free download of U2's new album? It is awesome. I can remember working at my college library in 1981 and talking about the U2 Boy album with a classmate from my English class. For a small town girl raised on Southern Rock, The Beatles, CSNY, and Kiss--U2 rocked my soul. I actually cried at the first U2 concert I experienced. Over the years, some of the albums I've loved, some just been meh, but this one I thoroughly enjoy. I'm looking forward to walking and cycling to this one.
Hey Ya'll...I'm feelin' good again ..really good. I found my mp3 player and downloaded some new tunes. My gym clothes are ready, I even washed my sports shoes. I did a weight work out while I did some online training for work. I'm ready to get back to (my) real life.
(The TMI part--Ct scan was good. I just need to watch the acidic and the spicy, and I actually need to take Mirilax every day and eat fiber or drink Metamucil also.....)
Let the coffee pour! I'm still restricting this to one cup a day--one cup is better than no cups at all.
I'm loaded up on veggies and apples. Still holding off on the pumpkin stuff until the first day of Autumn.
Have a great weekend. I either have an arts festival or a movie or some yoga in my weekend plans.
I'm a Geek for many things: Food, Pajamas, Coffee, Chocolate, Movies, Books, getting and being fit and healthy, 80's music, and the list goes on and on .....A nurse, a diabetic, I've lost over 130 lbs and have more to go . And I actually enjoy working out.
I chose the names of Ms. PJ Geek and PJ and Pounds because I have happy memories of childhood, coming in dirty and sweaty from playing in the yard. Then taking a bath, putting on a fresh nightgown and feeling all new again . I felt like a princess. Fresh renewal. .........
All names and situations will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, and so I can keep my job. While I am a nurse, I do not intend this to be a blog with specific directions or guidelines for healthcare. And.....though I have a college degree, that was a long time ago ya'll, and I don't remember proper punctuation or grammar.