Hey! Happy Saturday. I was recently in search of a Dunkin Donuts for just a good cup of coffee before a therapy session, but I couldn't find DD--darn that gps. Instead, I happened upon a French inspired coffee/bakery place Crema. Bakery---that has 'DANGER Will Robinson" all over it for me. I needed coffee though. It's a cute place, a bit hipster-ish, but I figured they have 'espresso gourmet' on the sign so maybe it will be good. I grabbed a small decaf to go with some fresh cream and sweetener and walked right past that bakery case with no problem. Damn Fine Coffee (Twin Peaks reference.) That was some of the best coffee I've had in a while. I've had coffee from Maine to California and this rates up there in my top 5. I sucked it down like healing waters. This place is an hours drive from home, so it isn't like I can do this often....except when I go to therapy. :) ;].
This Thursday I was back in the area for yet more therapy and I decide a cup of coffee is in order. Who cares that it's 7:00 pm. My car smells amazing with this Bath and Bodyworks' Pumpkin Marshmallow scent which smells like Pumpkin coffee to me. My brain is chanting " I need real coffee..num num num ." Again , the bakery case doesn't inspire me (which is awesome). I see a little plate of Macaroons. I've seen macaroons on blogs (... Americans in Paris kind of blogs) and all the photos of macaroons in magazines and little macaroon kiosks at the mall, but I've never had one. So I thought I'll have one just to experience it. Coffee and a macaroon. French ish . My choices were lemon , raspberry, and one MOCHA . Mocha me.
Oh, and I took extra time doctoring up my java because there was a REAL French ? Italian? (handsome) head Barista teaching a group of budding baristas the TRUTH of coffee. This man was serious. This was religion for him. Awesome. You know this is a R e a l C o f f e e place in hipster clothing. It took a looong time to get my titration of coffee/cream/sweetener just right.
I went back to my car and decided to just sip my coffee and eat that macaroon with no distraction. Just mindfulness. I wasn't obsessed or driven to have this food. Just curious. Eating something truly mindfully is amazing. You pick up scents and texture and spices that are totally obliterated when you just eat it as is. Just driving around or watching tv or whatever. I tasted Cardamon in an oatmeal cookie recently and that cardamom is what I remember-not the cookie.
The macaroon. First , I looked at it. It's like a jaunty little cap on top of another little cap. The Mocha color was excellent. The outsides are smooth and crispy and the insides are a rich goo. I take a first bite and let it sit. Hunh Another bitty bite. Hunh. I reach for the coffee and pause as the smell of the coffee is amazing. So I sniff my coffee and sniff. Just NIRVANA! It actually smells better than it tastes. One more sniff and back to the macaroon.
This little thing isn't as big as a marshmallow but it is essentially tasteless crap. I couldn't taste the mocha or sweetness or really anything. On the other hand, the smell of the coffee is the best. More sniffs. I drive home and stop to sniff the coffee every once in a while, It calms and soothes me as I soldier through traffic jams on I285. It tastes like the paper cup and coffee so I wait to finish it when I can put it in a real mug and warm it up at home. I finish the coffee with one stale Pumpkin munchkin microwaved up when I get home and I am truly satisfied. Now that was good.
I still think daily about little pictures and posts that I want to share. Even if no one reads. I've allowed comments on this blog to see if there is interest out there. Here is my new blog address and first blog post.
New blog. That means there is Way Less (if any) about weight and food and diet because that throws me way off. More about just things I think about or see or just want to say to the universe even though no one may read it. I've missed blogging but not the feelings I had when reading others' blogs and comparing and worrying that I wasn't doing it right or about being judged for what I thought and said. (Even though I was mostly supported and rarely burned on my blog.) That really reactivated my eating disorder. I'm now working in recovery and may share some of that or not.
I'm getting back to the roots of when I first discovered blogs and have included in my blog lists a cross section of things that interest me. I think this blog will find searching for balance, the cool and the not so, God, coffee, bad tv, good tv, movies, prayer, mindfulness, travel, day to day life, dreams, and just other stufffff............Southern stuff too.
I welcome comments if supportive. If you can't say something nice then don't say it at all. Move on. Life is too short to be mean and spread bad karma.
Anybody out there ? I'm still here, writing a little just to check in. ED outpatient treatment rolls on and is about to go in to month 3. I'm where I need to be. I want to tell you about it all, but I just can't. Comments off so I just say what I want and not be tied to wanting approval or not. But I want to share this for anyone reading that feels lost, exhausted, or hopeless. I still don't read blogs and probably never will again. I am sad about this, but it keeps me on my path. Perfect eating? nah. More peace of mind? yes. There is discovery every day.
I still have a food plan which is designed to give me what I need and has some freedom, but ultimately is what is healthy for my body. I recognize hunger and fullness signals that I didn't before, or just ignored. I am working on a workbook with one of the therapists. I basically check off as 'yes' to every detail and description of someone with an eating disorder. I work on exploring those beliefs and maybe busting them down. Mindfulness has a big part to play in everyday life now. If you want to check out a workbook one is "Eat drink and Be mindful".
I'm in meal groups, group therapy, individual therapy, nutrition therapy and couples therapy every week. Insurance pays and bundles all in to one cost per treatment day. I have 2 treatment days a week and with travel time that is 15-16 hours a week. I'm so tired that I nap on both Saturday and Sunday. I also have homework to do though. Still working full time. Definitely less time for other things--internet time being one.
I've had individual therapy and nutrition visits for years off and on but never this intense. We covered some of this same ground but at that slower pace. I'm having to work this almost daily and be accountable and share my gut feelings and sad stories and happy successes and the little failures that teach me and make me stronger. I have a treatment team that meets and reviews my progress and and where I need to modify or what I need to focus on next.
If you find you identify with the concept/description of eating disordered, I would recommend you start with individual therapy. I've read books and tried to do it on my own but it takes so much more. I am unlike some of my group members because I've been eating disordered since I was a small child. Years of this to work through.
I needed this and it works for me. I may check in again, but wanted you to know I'm in a good ( but not perfect place.)
HEY! How ya'll doin? I so miss blogging and sharing to the world my little life whether anyone reads it or not. I take pictures and walk through the gardens near my house and think "I'm going to put this in my blog".
I want to talk about movies I've seen. I watched the movie "Interstellar" and said WTF? (my husband had to interpret and translate for me). I Loved "The Age of Adaline". I want to see "Mad Max" and "Far from the Madding Crowd".
I want to talk about "Mad Men" and "Game of Thrones".
I'd tell you about developing Shingles and dealing with the pain with my new pals-combining Gabe and Vic as my pain regimen- oh and Al...(Gabapentin, Vicodin, Aleive) and Vitamin B shots at the doctors office. I want to talk about my new nightgown and Pj top (necessary to decrease irritation on my rash).
But mostly I want to share with you how I'm doing with 8 hours of therapy a week and even more time of reading and journaling as part of intensive outpatient eating disorder treatment. Oh, and the stress and drag of driving one hour each way but the pleasure of driving home at sunset listening and singing to music.
I would share that I quickly had less episodes of the exhausting cycle of: ---- focused intent on diets and weight loss / maintaining ----still obsessing about certain foods---indulging in foods or overeating or even binges ---and then the guilt and shame ---and then the eventual pulling it together and "restarting" and "rebooting" and eventually repeating the cycle again. A mode I've been stuck in for years. I'd also share with how I'm becoming more in touch with my hunger and fullness and satiety but it is still a work in progress. When I repeatedly think I want to go back for one more bite or another serving and I stop myself and consider it and then just move on , I'm later so proud. A string of successes follow. My new group friends support me and share as well.
I weighed once and had lost 4 pounds but the mental energy and thinking that that produced was not healthy. Now, I don't weigh. My nutritionist will eventually. At my doctors office I said "I don't want to know my weight so I turned around to weigh and they respected that....... AND I left the office not obsessing about it and feeling hopeless or 'reinspired' to eat/ exercise better. I also left without the talking myself in and out of wanting to stop at Hardees for cinnamon raisin biscuits like I usually did (Hardees is right near her office and I worked there as a teen so this has been an issue for many , many years.) I could have it if I want to but I haven't really wanted it.
I have more time in my life with not reading blogs, but I miss reading about you and sharing with you all. I also find myself seeing magazines or programs on tv or commercials for diets I've done or thought of doing. I don't want to do them . I don't even want to read or watch about it. I know what the eventual outcome would be for me.
So I'll pop out now. Doing well. Staying out of blog world again.
I'm taking off a week or so as I begin ED treatment to get settled in. So many experiences , thoughts, challenges. I think I need a little more info and guidelines as well as direction for now. I also think my blog and reading others should be on hold till I get more insight about my blog and blogging in general.
I have orientation with the eating disorder center on Saturday and then full on in the program on Tuesday. I've had a phone meet with my nutritionist and will probably start working with the psychologist also next week. I'll also have some body image work in there as well. The other part of the program is two evenings a week of group treatment starting with a group meal.
That group meal thing and what to bring is taking up a lot of worry room in my brain. Everything I first thought to bring is on the "DO NOT BRING" list because it is exactly what those seeking treatment would want to bring. Oy! I have a guideline and will work on figuring it out. Maybe, I'll buy a new Tupperware thing. It still is going to be on my mind quite a bit which I guess is something to explore as well. I know already I'm going to start my sharing after the meal that I am so nervous about this aspect.
I did have to do this when I had treatment in my 20's and it was weird-ish then too.
It has been something of a revelation to have made the decision to get treatment. Every decision or thought about food , health, exercise is made with more thought and consciousness. Just making the decision and choosing to live by that decision rather than let my inner food addict have a last hurrah! is powerful. I'm burning through the journal pages. If only I could read my handwriting more easily.
Other recovery work is going on with the body. Since my work travel, sickness, slow return to exercise, I am now really limited. It feels like I'm walking around with concrete blocks for thighs and butt even though my weight has not increased that much. The old girl just feels old. My body, mind, and soul miss Zumba and Yoga , but I'm realistic. I'm just not there yet. I attacked it head on today and have had 4 short walks and 2 leg exercise and stretching sessions and it has been less painful through the day. I'm following a physical therapy routine they use with hip replacement patients. More tomorrow. More stretching is the key. Getting myself to the pool at least once this week.
2015 version: I'm still a geek for coffee, good chocolate, men, pjs, tiny house nation watching but realizing I'm too much of a semi-hoarder, movies, books, more books, cheesy magazines, and sleep. Also a former weight loss / weight related blogger who is in eating disorder treatment and learning to live a healthier , balanced life. Up to 2015 version: I'm a Geek for many things: Food, Pajamas, Coffee, Chocolate, Movies, Books, getting and being fit and healthy, 80's music, and the list goes on and on .....A nurse, a diabetic, I've lost over 130 lbs and have more to go . And I actually enjoy working out.
I chose the names of Ms. PJ Geek and PJ and Pounds because I have happy memories of childhood, coming in dirty and sweaty from playing in the yard. Then taking a bath, putting on a fresh nightgown and feeling all new again . I felt like a princess. Fresh renewal. .........
All names and situations will be changed to protect the innocent and the guilty, and so I can keep my job. While I am a nurse, I do not intend this to be a blog with specific directions or guidelines for healthcare. And.....though I have a college degree, that was a long time ago ya'll, and I don't remember proper punctuation or grammar.