Sunday, August 17, 2014

ONE Minute Fitness!!

On a lighter note........I hate those tele-commercials that make it sound and look so easy to work out and get fit. The other thing is Prevention magazine. I used to have a subscription and I saved 2 years worth of issues. I kid you not, almost every issue had one of the same titles of articles in it as the previous one : Fit after 40! Fight Belly Fat! Fight Stress! Foods that make you fat! Foods that don't make you fat! FLAT BELLY DIETTTT!!!!!


I did a workout Monday night that was amazing. If I did this 3 times a week I would feel , if not look AMAAAZING...and sore.

I was there for Zumba but the teacher was late. My old trainer was about to start a group circuit workout and offered it to me for free. I debated. I was , honestly, a little hesitant scared

..What a workout!

This is what I can remember-

-only 15 to 30 second rests in between each.

1 minute each

Bicycle with crunches
V ups
one legged bridge (I can't do these..just did bridges)
2 sets tricep dip (I modified)
2 sets one legged squat
2 sets Bicep curls, 2 sets arm circles (5-15 lb wts)
Jump ups (modified for the big girls)
Overhead lift 40 lb
Rope (the big rope things that you see on Biggest Loser --harder than it looks)
Lat pull downs
Burpee (I modified)
Tug of war with the big rope--we lost

Here's what happened and what I think.

Great workout. Sweating. Sweating. Cardio. Strength.

My upper body is pretty strong--that comes from yoga.

I sometimes stopped because every one else had stopped, but I could have pushed more.

Some things I could not do or modify. My body just couldn't do them. That frustrates and inspires me.

I could have done more reps on some things, and I did less on others . That still made me feel good as I might have been one of the oldest there and one of the largest, it was my first session and they had been at it for weeks.

I did a perfect 1 minute plank and 1 minute side planks. perfect for me.

I did modify several things because my body just can't do it--too big, too flabby from years of obesity and weight loss.

There are times when I wonder if other people can imagine what it feels like at my size to do the exercises and to deal with the self consciousness of doing this in front of the entire gym. I pretty much just push forward and ignore everyone, but I am still aware. Sometime I don't think about it at all.

I could never do this years ago.

I would like to do this more , but my trainer is moving on . I will watch out to see the new trainer that takes over the group and see if I can afford it.

I left the gym with my metabolism burning at full cylinders.

I went home and I was proud. I did not overeat and came under my calorie budget.

It makes me question , If I'm working out hard enough otherwise. But I'm sweating?! And I'm not a sweater usually.

I'm pretty darn sore.

I feel good!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Just Cuz...a Robin Williams post

I just wanted to check in...not a complete check in , but one just because. Or as I say all the time to my husband "Cuz"...

I'm bummed about Robin Williams' death . We have a family member that also committed suicide , so my perspective may be a bit different than those not touched personally by a suicide. My heart goes out to his family and his personal friends because what I feel can only scratch the surface of what they must feel. I feel sad, betrayed, and even a bit guilty.

In our family, the entire structure disintegrated. It's taken years and only bits and pieces are healing. It will never be whole. I just wish that any one , any one, could have intervened with just the right words to cause him to pause. We don't know his pain or his reasons. I do know what it is like to feel hopeless.

One thing my nurse part of me wants to share is that depression is very common in those that have had heart attacks and heart surgery. I know he had other demons, but he had heart surgery within the last year. If you or if you have a loved one who has a heart attack or goes through heart surgery , remember this and help them. Just be there. Listen. Hard to do. I want to fix things.

I did a search on our cable system (Comcast) for anything playing with Robin in it, and just about all of his biggest movies will be playing on the premium channels within the next few days. My Dvr will be overflowing. I also had just set up a major House Hunter International schedule of recordings (my calm and happy place) and my husband is on a Night Gallery and Petticoat Junction kick.

Sorry to be a whine ..I have another lighter post coming.

This was just cuz I'm feeling and dealing and not dwelling on the negative.

Carpe diem

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Rhythm and Peace

my front stoop

I'm learning or recognizing how much that I'm a creature of rhythms. Habits ,too maybe. But with the idea of rhythms I think of the ocean and the calming sounds of waves. I think recognition of this and just accepting it and living with it is peaceful. Like a piece of music, it all makes sense and flows when you acknowledge it and just let it happen. I've a history of getting too 'good and bad' or 'black and white' or ritualistic with things, so this 'music' and less rigidness brings peace.

I really noticed this today. It's August-school is starting, people squeeze in last vacations, the pools are still open, it's still hot. But , I--I am craving Fall. Fall-ishness of pumpkin candles, cold mornings, cold/ rainy movies, hot chai tea. I want to see the leaves change and take walks at the park. This just doesn't fit with August. I'm out of sync here. But I've always been like this. What can I say. I remind myself to live in the moment and enjoy each day. Embrace the end of summer.

The first 'eating'/'body' rhythm is kind of funny. If I'm eating in a balanced way with meals and have a balanced breakfast of carb/protein / fat at around 8 am , I will magically get hungry at exactly the same time each day. Stomach growling hungry at EXACTLY 10:47 to 10:48 am. I know this because I can be completely immersed in work and unaware of the time or maybe I'm taking a break or coaxing Angel to go outside , and suddenly I'm hungry. I look up and it's either 10:47 or 10:48 am. It's Always at the same time.

It happens over and over and over (and over again). For months now, err... maybe a year or so. I accept it. But I mean it is really gotta-do-something-act-on-it HUNGRY. The medications I take do not have an effect here--I've tested it. My choices are to have a snack or drink a lot of water because I have a set food plan for the day and I know I'll be eating lunch soon. Sometimes I plan the snack and sometimes I just sit with it. If the water doesn't do the trick I'll pick something random to eat-sometimes a protein drink or cheese and fruit or celery with peanut butter. I do it differently almost every time. I'm not in that black and white, rigid rhythm on this and that's cool. I like that.

After lunch , about mid afternoon I want something sweet. Sometimes I'll just have Hot tea or coffee with a piece of cookie or part of a protein / snack bar or yogurt with fruit. This comes from my mother's habit of a daily 3 pm break to smoke, read the Tv Guide, drink some water or Coca cola and have a sweet snack-- Cookies or Sara Lee. I visited my friend in Canada once at her family's Dairy farm and they all sit around and chat and enjoy their 'tea' like this as well each day- Coffee or tea and baked goods.

That part of me that reads British literature likes this 'tea' idea too. But the part that reads blogs and wants to improve/control my behavior and focus on food and weight loss is thinking--'this is a bad habit'. I tried chewing sugarless gum in the afternoon instead, but that Overstimulated my hunger. I cut out the gum when I realized it. These rhythms can be instructive. Honestly, there are days when I ignore all of this because I'm just too busy with work. I like that forgetting and not caring what happens--a rarity.

Now hear comes a new rhythm that I do not like. I'm talking hormones and 'lady time' stuff. I get hot or seem to have a hot flash between 4:00 p and 6:00. It's just a sudden thing-no sweating. Just Damn Hot. Then it dissipates. Even today on Saturday as I write this, I had that 6 pm hot flash. Nothing changed, I'm just sitting here as I have been for over 40 minutes. Huh!

Other things seem to come and go in a pattern and it has me on the alert right now. Sometimes I really get in to exercise , but then I get injured or sick with a cold or unusual 'lady time' stuff. Then, I can't exercise as much or the same way. I started riding a bike again a few years ago and crashed twice and needed steroid injections to my knees. I am scared of that kind of injury again.

Right now, I'm really enjoying the time I spend with exercise. My body feels strong and flexible. I'm doing Yoga and Zumba and weight training regularly again. I'm doing a 2 hour stint of Yoga/ then Zumba on Saturdays. I feel so energetic on those days. But other days I just rest. I don't want to do anything.

And, I'll feel that little twinge here and there-will my foot turn over or my back start hurting. I want to take extra care, so that I don't get injured. I also want to push myself because I feel so good, but I hesitate. This injury thing or another kind of illness is a pattern that happens season after season. I lose progress and have to start over. This is where a life of obesity is a struggle. I have to exercise a certain amount to lose and/or to maintain the weight loss I've had-to maintain a healthier lifestyle. You hear in the media-just walk x # of times, park a little farther away, do resistance training. When you can't do it, it feels wrong , it feels scary. I remind myself to seek balance in my efforts-to not go too overboard because that will be better than pushing myself to the point of injury or illness.

This is my only body. It's a wonder. It's precious. It's magic. When I feel too fat or see my one thigh that's bigger than the other or my batwing arms, I don't feel this way about my body. I pray this post or this little piece of rhythmic music I noticed today will keep those thoughts away.

Ok, so that's my little peace today . What are your patterns or rhythms ? What gives you peace?

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Feel and Deal

Monday mornings are sometimes like I imagine it would be in a confessional with a priest. Except I'm confessing with myself to try to figure out --What Happened? or What didn't happen ? or sometimes, those rare times-- 'Wow, what went sooo well?' I complete my journal of food and exercise, and I figure it out. I record it all on my online food program. What am I going to tell my dietician in our appointment tomorrow? 'don't tell all the truth'--says one voice. Another voice says 'you are not going to get better at this if you don't fess up and figure all of this out'.

Do ya'll have those little voices?

The summary of the weekend's story--It's never a 100% loss, there are always good behaviors mixed with bad not as good behaviors these days. I'm just working on titrating the level of goodness higher. I'm coming up with my game plan to make it all better. Well, to make progress. This works, people. If you knew where I started...if you only knew.

If it doesn't make sense to you --It Makes sense to me.

Tuesday mornings I meet with Meg my dietician via Skype and we peruse my online food / exercise journal. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Mostly the week days are fine with maybe a blip here or there. The weekends are when things can go wonky. I expect her to roll her eyes or sigh, but she never does. We always pull out the successes and work on the plan for the problem areas. I gloss over and we don't delve in to the personal issues so much that might have led me to use old or mindless or destructive behavior. For that I journal, I think, I analyze, I have therapy with a therapist every other Thursday.

One of my journal entries said that on Sunday I didn't want to 'feel or deal'. Interpretation: Feel the emotions, deal with them , or deal with anything else I need to do . Yeah, not on Sunday. I guess partially it's because I am becoming anxious about a situation coming up in our lives and I guess that was on my mind. We had a few cranky words about this or that and went out to eat . It was a planned lunch. I got what I expected to get. I brought home half to eat for dinner.

But when we got home from eating, I just wanted to read my kindle. I read 1 1/2 books. I took a nap. I also didn't want to take care of myself-do household chores that do need to get done. I was kind of 'in the food' since we had eaten out--"really good food" and I had been to the grocery store. I wanted to snack. Being 'in the food' isn't the same as being 'in to dealing with life or feelings'. Instead, I read in bed and snacked and read and snuggled with my dog and snacked and loved every moment of it---then.

It started raining and I felt cozier. In the end, at the end of the day, I didn't like what happened. I didn't like exceeding my calories. I questioned why. Maybe I could have still read and done it better. Absolutely.

This rolls in to Monday and I'm there with the confession , the analysis and the plan to make things different . I haven't had a reading/ snacking day like that in a long while. Those are usually reserved for days that I don't feel good or days that are very cold or rainy. I know this now and I am not worried that this weekend will be the same. It won't.

Some thoughts confirmed and stamped in my book of truths

1. Skinny popcorn---only 39 calories a cup . Yeah, that's all good. I am a single serving only kind of girl. 100 calorie mini bags or no popcorn at all. No big bags of skinny pop. It took me 3 days to go through it which compared to 'the old days' is fine. But it isn't getting me where I want to be healthwise.

2. Be very careful looking at grocery store circulars. Just because they have my husband's favorite cookies BOGO, doesn't mean I have to shop for them.

3. Going out for a meal and getting what I want , but only eating half of it and taking the rest home for another meal works.

4. Having a protein snack or drink after a 2 hr workout when I'm hungry and heading to the grocery store works. (jerky and iced skinny latte)

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Humbled....or also known as Humble Pie for the Soul

Slice #1

The weather gods got together and pulled a fast one on me, after my beyatchin' in that last post about the hot, muggy Atlanta weather (I swear Monday morning at 6:30 am it was like a Sauna .)

This morning on my 6:30 am walk it was closer to 59 degrees . A cool front *from the North pole, I bet* hovers over Atlanta and we had record lows here not seen since the 1930's. Almost sweater weather. Our air conditioner had a rest today and we enjoyed fresh air and ceiling fans . When is Fall? The fact that Halloween candy is out at the stores already did not seem that far fetched.

Seriously, I know God was chuckling-he does have a funny side too.

Slice #2

There's nothing like going to an exercise class with that scary teacher 'Jessie' filling in for our usual teacher and proving to us all that we are not as in shape as we thought we were after years of gym going. I mean 30 people doing walking lunges around the perimeter of the gym. I counted 80 bicep curls. ouch! She winked at me a few times which made me feel better because I had to modify a few things. Ouch, again.

Big ol' slice of #3 - Trigger foods --Once a trigger always a trigger. Here I'm going to mention some foods.

For me, 100# avoidance doesn't work so well for the long run. I know many bloggers and people can do the abstinence thing and that is what works. Great. I have done that on occasions in the past, but in the long run it didn't work so well when we are talking about whole major food groups. Spot abstinence seems to work for me.

My major triggers are cereals, cookies, bread, muffins, etc. My mother had Aunt Sara Lee in our lives and freezer at all times. Little Debbie lived in the bread box. Oreos were hidden in the top cabinet--that picture of my avatar is probably really me.

I binged (meaning half a box) on raisin bran starting at age 4 or 5 and it was kept in the top cabinet too. Climbing counters and the use of tongs or a broom comes in handy when you are only 4.

Now, I never , NEVER buy Raisin bran. Total and complete abstinence-4 ever!

But Kashi cereals are ok and do not trigger me because they are meh as far as tastiness. Granola can get outta controla (could not resist) but I do love it on yogurt. I look at it when I shop (frequently and wistfully) and try to find the lowest sugar / calorie/ least potential-to-trigger-a-binge brand. When I say binge these days it means like a 1/2 cup serving followed by another 1/2 cup serving. Still a binge in spirit.

I recently bought some granola and measured every serving and made it through 2 weeks before having a bowlful two days in a row. No more granola in the house. There are single serving bags now by Kind brand but I think I'm going to hold off. The binge-guilt is still fresh.

I confess I also obsessed over fig bars both in the regular brand and health food section at the store recently. I'm safer buying a single serving when I'm out and about but never do. It's been months since I had a fig newton , and it will stay that way.

And the last and biggest slice of Humble Pie #4 -

Healthcare is such a topic in the news , everywhere. Big bad healthcare. I'm a nurse and I work in healthcare and it amazes me still the things that can happen to a body. I had a patient recently that came in with very benign symptoms that became a train wreck over night. That they were in a very good hospital and being followed by very good doctors is the only reason they are alive, though I don't know what the outcome will be. I yelled out loud unexpectedly when I realized how things were going down the tubes so fast. For all the bad news Healthcare gets, medicine and doctors and nurses and everybody that makes a hospital work are a blessing. A blessing. I am humbled before thee.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Checkin In--Hot, Humid , Muggy, Monday in July

Dock time

Hot! Humid! The South ! add to that Hot Flashes!
That about covers everything.

Well, ok. not exactly.

Weekend: a whole lot less intensity and gamut of feelings than the weekend before. Things were relatively chill, happy, relaxed, cooperative, productive, and light. Big surprise ,as Friday day while I was working I did have some anger and depression and hurt feelings from how my husband was acting. I journaled a letter to my husband about how I felt. It was a cathartic release kind of letter and it would never be sent to him. We actually worked through the issues later in the day without much effort. That rocks.

Friday --Closed on our refinance--the attorney came to our house. We are saving a lotta money. He told us we were getting a very good deal. Cha ching! feeling fine and the house is clean and neat. Hand cramping from signing so much paperwork.

Saturday-Interval Training, Yoga, Zumba! We ate out Mexican, spent a lot of time at the used book store, got iced coffee, and then just wen home to chill out.

Sunday-Drive to the hills -Mtns- lake to visit with my father in law. I did chores on the property in long sleeves and pants in 90+ degree temps due to the bugs/ poison ivy . I then rewarded myself with my first swim in the lake and an ice cream bar. It's an ice cream bar I've wanted to try for months and had discussed / planned with my dietician. I enjoyed it very much but would not ever buy this to have at home. My husband said I looked like I was really enjoying it.

One of those foam noodle things had floated up on the beach, so I had a nice time floating around. It's peaceful but he has deep water docks, so it suddenly gets a little too cold and dark and scary. I paddle back towards shore with my found noodle when that happens. So while this all sounds idyllic , it comes with a price. My father in law is a bitter, depressed, miserable man and he is not willing to change or reconsider or accept very much help. I want to help so I do this yard work, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Mostly we listen and nod and try to make him laugh and steer him towards topics that are not so depressing.

Cooking-I cleaned out the veggies in the freezer and I'm making crockpot 'dump' veggie chili to eat for afternoon snacks and to put up and freeze for later in the year. This is more like a super chunky veggie salsa than anything that would be good as a soup base or over salad or with chips.

Body Feelings--Full, I ate a bowl of that veggie stuff. Muscles in my bootay are saying "Heyyyy"...we picked up sticks and dragged trees around yesterday." Otherwise, few aches and complaints.

Emotion Feelings--relieved, calm, relaxed in many ways.

Reading--still reading the same book as before but can't wait to dig in to my new finds. I skim read about 2/3 of a book while at the book store Saturday. My husband has a lot of things to look for when he goes. I find a corner and just sit down. Love that , and I think I bought enough to pay for my reading time.

image from somewhere on the internet--not our bookstore but close

Well, I feel cooler already. Have a good one.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Feelin Feelings Feeling

I truly enjoy my time off during weekends, but they do present challenges. Do I have the energy to exercise? Desire to do anything? Go anywhere? Eat the right stuff in the right amounts? Not overindulge those parts of me that wan't to overindulge-food, sleep, laziness, tv. A little is fine, too much is another thing

This was a weekend full of feelings, and it becomes overwhelming when you are an emotion- reactive eater trying not to eat as a response to emotions or to numb out which you've done since you were 5. I take liberty with my ideas of feelings here.

Friday we touched on a few subjects while driving to a destination that brought up...stuff. There are certain topics that I don't seem to say the right things to my husband. Maybe I don't agree with his viewpoint or maybe I'm trying to rally him or help him look at the positives. That just strikes him the wrong way.

Feelings: anger, exasperation, sadness, fear, frustration.

We worked through it but right in time to go to dinner. The gauntlet for me-Cracker Barrel. This restaurant reminds me of my childhood and my grandmothers and plenty of lovely dining experiences with friends and family. I can make good choices and I mostly did, but at the expense of parts of me that have to battle with each other. My favorite dessert there is still like 1000+ calories if shared. I got the fried apples instead. I think I saw a former coworker that hated me. We never made eye contact, but it was weird. Lots of memories came up.

Feelings: excitement, self-judgement, worry, curiosity. But also a sense of fun and pride and calm.

Saturday brought on bad and restless feelings. it was raining and I just didn't want to get up and go to Yoga. I took a nap. I took a walk. While I try to avoid this particular neighbor's grass, my dog is obsessed with the smells there. She pooped on the street corner (on their grass) and I picked it up as I always do. We round the last corner of their house and the tween daughter of this household comes out to tell me they've notice me letting our dog 'go' in their grass and they want it to stop. they pay a lot of money to have that grass. 'It's sod!" !!

Feelings-embarrassment, guilt, anger, anger, revenge, embarrassment, anger. restless, on edge.

(Here we do get in to some eating of chips (single serving bag) and doritoes with an extra piece of cheese. Also, I indulged in 'shopping' at the new farmer's market in our area. I didn't give in to the worst options but it was obsessive looking at all of their stuff. I ate 1/2 of a Lara bar compulsively then tossed it)

Feelings: relief, guilt, frustration, numbed a little bit

Sunday-not so bad. I was worn out emotionally. I still didn't want to go to Yoga. what's that about? I cooked dinner and watched True blood which was kind of hilarious.

Feelings: shame at skipping yoga, happiness at cooking a meal for my husband that he loves--a rare thing. Hilarity at watching some of the one liners in True Blood.

After that weekend, all you can do is write about it. think about it. Plan alternate walking routes if I can drag my dog away from that house. Plan that my next trip to Cracker barrel will probably be in Fall or Winter...nothing sooner. And know that in the past ALL I did was obsessively think of food, shop for food, eat food to numb these feelings.