Sunday, March 29, 2015

Highs / Lows-- Pedicures, Zombies , Taxes

Random things....

Friday, I pulled together a swim outfit and took my self to the gym for a water workout. This is something I've kind of wanted to do and needed to do for a long while. My joints are having issues right now. I walked in and they just closed the pool because the chemical balance isn't right. CRAP

I binge watched Married at First Sight -season 2 this weekend. In college I minored in sociology and psychology (and English)..this is right up my alley. Tonight is the Walking Dead Season Finale. If you can look past the gore and goop, it is a great show full of good acting , good writing, symbolism , metaphors,and foreshadowing.

Also, the documentary about Scientology comes on HBO tonight. Tom Cruise is going to be drinking a stiff scotch tonight and letting the phone go to voicemail.

Citizen Four, the documentary about Snowden and the intelligence leaks was also excellent and made so much more sense to me about what that was all about. Another lesson learned about making my own mind up versus what is fed to me from media.

For us television watchers, the good thing about this coming week is that it brings the return of Mad Men and Game of thrones soon. Bates Motel is back and is creepy good. I've actually greatly reduced the amount of television I watch (doesn't sound that way huh?) I tend to have to watch things I really like twice to catch all the nuances--things like Downton Abbey (eye candy) and the Walking Dead (not eye candy -I shield my eyes sometimes.) This doesn't leave time for much else. And I plan to be at the pool more and the park when I can walk without pain.

I had my first real pedicure this week. I'm not 'in' to people touching my feet, but I just really needed to get my toes looking better. It made me feel better. I've got this one gnarly looking toenail that fell off *knocked actually and grew back --twice in my lifetime . I think the sweet lady doing my toes couldn't help but make a face and say something in her language to the person next to her. I just closed my eyes and tried to listen to the music playing and feel the back massager in my chair that was pulling my spine and muscles apart and back together again and smoothing it all out. It worked. I didn't know what to expect or how it all worked. I'm surprised that after a couple of years of just thinking about it, that I just did it. I'll go back. My feet look way better then when my husband and I do them (he paints them.)

I made an appointment to have an assessment at an eating disorder center for this week. It's an assessment that takes about 3 hours with questionnaires , computerized testing, and a psych eval. The end result will be recommendations on where I'm at and what I might need and what this particular center may be able to do for me. This is also something I've been thinking about doing for a few years and I just did it. I felt relief.

Yet, I also have found that my eating issues are really triggered now. In fear they will be stifled? It isn't always that I may be eating the wrong things or too much or an actual large volume binge. It can also be the crazy thinking one minute of how I hate my belly and my arms, and the guilt I feel over this thing I'm eating or doing or not doing. It can be the intensity of fear I have about the repercussions of every action to do with eating and exercising. Also, it can be about that craziness that reacts to a new commercial or Dr OZ ad for the next best weight control method even when I know better and even when what I really want is to be healthy and free from the crazy.

I really don't put it all here. If you every look in to Binge eating disorder on line I pretty much answer every checklist
question as yes or always. Treatment is so different from what I had in the 80's. Yesterday I was depressed and slept most of the day and had a binge--just going back and back and back for this and that and not at all hungry. Today, I have purpose and I'm
doing just fine with food and doing not as bad with body image.

I finished the taxes ! It was a different computer program than we had used before. It was a struggle-so many questions that I have to look up and really read through. Waiting for that check to come, my husband's tuition is due soon.

I'm ready to get off the rollercoaster and sail a bit. Too many highs and lows.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Retreated and Moving Forward and Alternately.

I'm back from my weekend retreat in the mountains. I prayed, I danced, I walked, I talked, I hurt, I limped, I cried, I prayed some more, I slept, I didn't sleep, I crafted and I'm not a crafty girl.

I built a fire using a whole phone book since we didn't have newspaper. When it finally burned, I quoted Tom Hanks in Castaway "Look What I have Created...".

I drank some really good Starbucks coffee and some meh Dunkin Donuts (Dunkin usually never disappoints). We had 2 Pj parties--I was in my element. I drank a little bit of wine-everyday. I made a lot of good choices with food but I didn't turn down their desserts. I didn't go back for seconds. I avoided things that were only so so . If I was going to have a treat , by gosh , it was going to be worth it. I never ate till I was overfull. However, I was not perfect either. So retreat was a success.

After the soreness and stiffness and discomfort of getting in and out of the van and traveling for a few hours, I felt old. I really don't feel old most of the time. I'm more inspired to be more inspired to buckle down to whatever I need to do to get back to my previous physical fitness level which means really getting my knees back in shape. I'm doing the leg/PT exercises but nor all of them or everyday. The best treatment is probably to return to the pool at the gym and water aerobics. I 'm a bit of a germaphobe when it comes to public pools and I'd quit the pool before after one too many pool-related medical issues. And then there is the lack of comfort level with my body and what to wear. There are hurdles to pass.

I've also started a new blog which focuses on my BED-binge eating disorder. I haven't posted yet or finished it. I just wanted another site to go to where the only blogs I check on are ED friendly. Dieting and being weight focused is counterproductive to dealing with BED. Sometimes, My BED issues are dominant and focusing on diet , weight loss, food group restrictions, abstinence versus normalization is confusing and triggering

While I've been in therapy and worked with nutritionists, neither are eating disorder specialists. I sometimes feel they just agree and support whatever decision I make. I need a reality check or just an opinion of the overview of my 'journey'. I'm planning to schedule an appointment with an ED therapist or treatment center for outpatient treatment. I did outpatient treatment in the late 80's. The primary concepts of treatment are reversed since then. I'm just so confused. Will keep yall posted.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Accepting . And , Not.

love this--found it on the internets

I have a lot to say, but it is all gelin' still. It would be a big blurt out of Blaggch!cause I'm in the process of figuring things out. Even when you are 50 something and feel younger, you just can't figure it out...

I do need to just try to accept a few things.....

First, I accept it's getting warm, spring is here, winter is on the way out, and I just need to accept it.
*warm fuzzy pjs are on the way out. Truly. (But my house tends to be on the cool side so it's fuzzy when on the inside, shorts and sandals on the outside.)


I accept I'm not in control, but I need an element of control to keep from being wayyyyyyy outta control....with food, with body image / body unhappiness thoughts, diet panic thoughts , house stuff, everything, etc, etc.

I accept I've got a long way to go baby.

I accept that I chose to go to a retreat this weekend that pushes my buttons.
It's a church women's retreat in the mountains. It usually brings up food issues for me just because of the exposure and availability of so much food. The meals are buffet. There are snacks brought from our group and snacks at the retreat. I've avoided this retreat in the past because the food stuff is just too much.

I accept it might be tough , but I have no desire to over eat and have even one moment of doubt or guilt about food choices.

Like previous retreats, if I want to adjourn to my room with my Kindle and call my honey then I will. We both get homesick like little kids when we go on church retreats away from each other while being around our church peeps for extended periods of time.
This is about our own insecurities. But also, I think it's that we never had children which sticks out like an oddity when you are sitting around a table with people you may not know where the first thing asked is "How many children do you have?"

The other thing that I always recall at this retreat is that while the topic may be about another subject like transformation or building or leadership or sacredness, I tend to relate everything to my journey with food and body and weight. I accept this. It's just something to notice and think about. I don't think it should be that you see life through a filter but it just is.

It just is. Maybe it's because I'm giving myself the opportunity for silence and prayer and reflection and closeness to God, and the one thing that feels the most incomplete and unsettled in me is body/weight/food/diet/motivation/sustainability issues.

I accept it's overwhelming. I know I will choose to practice self care. I will accept that if those are the issues that are burning for me at the time then I'll see where I'm lead.

Having to be adult sucks sometimes.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Fix it- a non-food recipe

This is a bitchin report--kind of a drag but gotta journal it out

I woke up this morning after a really , really bad dream. Loss of control, invasion, fight or flight. Very vivid. I remember every detail, every face, everything. I was literally shouting and trying to hit people that were looting my house . I was fighting them with boards with nails in them and they were trying to stick razor blades in me. Very Walking Dead ish. I don't understand it as that evening was fine. I'd gone to a short prayer meeting at church that felt meaningful , made good choices with food, and went to bed early.


This morning I crawled out of bed and felt Scared, Cold, Old, and Groggy. I shuffled around with sore knees like an old lady. SELF CARE-- I jumped in a warm bath and dumped in Olay super moisture bath stuff and soaked about 40 minutes. Then lotioned up and put on my clean fuzzy robe for self care.

Breakfast and a cuppa coffee later-- still cold , old , and groggy.

I knew sugar would work, even just a little but I didn't want to. More self care: I lotioned and massaged up my feet again, and put my fuzziest and softest socks on that go up to my calves and popped an Allegra (trees are blooming.) Still cold, achey, old, groggy.

I know a little sugar at this point will make me feel better , but I'd resisted and resisted. My head hurt. Yuck. I poured in a half pack of reduced sugar hot cocoa mix in to the last of the coffee and stuck about 6 hard, stale mini marshmallows in there.
Within about a half hour the yuck, yuck dial was turned down from about a 10 to a 5. I mean really , really noticeably feeling better. Not as groggy or cold but still a bit shuffly like an old lady.

I wrote in my journal and just continued to work. I've used every self care thing I can think of at this point.

THE Recipe
--(remember Miss Mamie and Miss Emily's Papa's Recipe on The Waltons ?)

I just happened to have a psychiatry appointment today for a med refill check, so I filled him in on how things really are and the bad , bad dream. It has been feeling like the meds I'm on are not working at all--very high highs and low lows and OCD. Likely this is all a combo of the lack of Serotonin from missiig the regular exercise that I've done for years now because of the lengthy sickness and being on steroids for about a month. This mixed in with the work travel which really meant putting my self out there when I usually fly under the radar. Mixed in with a touch of OCD and a bit of anxiety and Binge eating disorder (BED) to numb out the OCD/ Anxiety has made me a feel like a big ol' mess. This is really the worst shape I've been in emotionally for a while. We upped one drug and added an antianxiety med for 'as needed' which will help with the anxiety and may help fight BED feelings. It helps to know how I got here.

I don't like it, but it is what it is. Fixin me.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Springin' Forward?

Today, it is 30 degrees outside but will be a sunny day closer to 60 here in Atlanta. I'm hoping to rake some leaves at some point and make a Walmart trip. That's pretty much all.. Oh yea-taxes :(....

I'm feeling pretty good. Knees are still wonky - snap-crackle- pop, so I diligently did my knee / leg exercises and got a one hour leg/butt/weight workout in this morning already. I need to do this daily, but I've been lazy resistant.

Yesterday, I woke up to an unexpected dusting of snow which was really pretty but melted by 9 am. At work , in addition to my regularly scheduled work, I helped test a new computer program , wrote up a step by step guide , and worked one on one with a few people to get them through the process. The completely and hilariously ironic thing is that at home I can't master how to watch a DVD or remember how to power cycle my computer or download music from Amazon.

Since my return from my trip last weekend and following the stricter food plan this week, I've released 10 pounds which I believe to be mostly fluid retention. This puts me back at my pre -trip weight though not where I was last year at this time. I'm a bit inspired. This weekend or at least today my food is planned but not as strict as last week. I can always go back to the stricter plan tomorrow if I need to. Next week's food is going to be a fresh delivered plan of food that I'd used a few years ago when I lost 70lbs after a plateau. This helps me get out-of-control eating back in line, hunger signals become more clear, taste buds wake up, and I become more inspired with the variety of food and selection. It gives me the desire and inspiration to cook and make my own plan. At times I worry it's a crutch, but it has always helped to do a week at a time every few months or so when I need it. Since this household is on a tighter budget, I only feel good doing this because I get my annual work bonus soon.

Springing forward indeed-- I can smell the sweet, spring sap smells rising when I walk. There is more sunlight, more color, a few adventurous daffodils blooming, and Robins pecking around for bugs in the yard, I'm cautious to say I feel renewed but I do. I guess we need to recognize when things make a turn for the better.

Tomorrow --nap.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015


I am not a Wussy

But, I am fearful and fearless

I went to the gym tonight -my third time in 2 + months due to my ailments.
I walked up the steps to the second floor row of machines. Very slowly.
I did 11 minutes on the upright bike-low speed, no tension.
I did 11 minutes of yoga stretches. I walked around the parking lot versus straight to the car and back.

I'm both proud and disappointed. I am determined to keep at it, but maybe leg exercises and a short walk next as my knee is beyatchin at me. This reminds me of what it was like to start exercising at 345 pounds.

I drove to the grocery store --primarily needing fresh veggies and fruit and yogurt, and spent about 18 minutes total waiting through two red lights. The first light changed to green right as I gave up and turned to the right to come up to a second red light where I also sat.

I am patient but also impatient and impulsive. Is this a metaphor for my 'weight loss' journey?--- Do something till it works or doesn't and do something else and get the same results.. hmmmmm.

I am still learning, always.

Everyday is a lesson or two.

What are you?